MSTed: "The Xena FAQ" (1/1)

[Mike Barklage]

MSTed: "The Xena FAQ"
by Mike Barklage

Original document by Ted Turocy

Author's note: this MiSTing shall take place during the 7th season, so
that I don't have to worry about how non-corporeal Mike and the Bots
get back to the SOL and under Star-Baby Forrester's control. That
way, my brain hurts a lot less.

Author's second note: sorry in advance about the Deep 13 host segments.
It's awfully hard to come up with funny Dr. F/Mom F scenes, so I just
kept the skits as short as possible.

[Bridge of the SOL. Mike, Crow, and Gypsy are there. Mike is wearing
his Fabio wig and an open-chested Hercules tunic, much to the delight of
several female viewers. Crow is wearing a similar brown vest open at
the chest. Gypsy has a Xena-style leather outfit attached to her tube.]

MIKE: Are we ready to go? Iolaus?
CROW: Yep!
MIKE: Xena?
GYPSY: Yi-yi-yi-yi-yi!
MIKE: Uh... I take that as a yes. Okay, let's... hey, where's Tom?
CROW: I think he's still in his room.
MIKE: Oh, for cryin' out...

[Mike notices us for the first time.]

MIKE: Hi, everyone, welcome to the Satellite of Love. You may perchance
be wondering what the *heck* we're doing in these goofy get-ups.
We decided that a little fun kid's fantasy may be good for us,
being we're trapped up here in the Satellite and all, so we're
playing Universal Action Pack. I get to be Hercules, since I have
functioning arms. <Mike laughs>
CROW: Oh, bite me, Sorbo.
MIKE: Crow is Iolaus, my faithful but short sidekick. And Gypsy here gets
to be Xena: Warrior Princess!
GYPSY: Yay!
MIKE: Unfortunately, Tom isn't here yet, so we can't start...
CROW: Yo, Tom! Let's go!
TOM: <from offscreen> I'm not doing this!
MIKE: Aw, come on, Tom! Why not?
TOM: <offscreen> I look rediculous!
MIKE: Oh, you do not. Come on out, Tom!

[Tom enters. He is wearing a blonde wig, tummy-revealing halter and short
skirt.]

TOM: Just *look* at this stupid outfit!
CROW: <snicker>
TOM: That's it! I'm leaving!

[Tom starts to go off in a huff, but Mike stops him.]

MIKE: Hold on, Tom...
TOM: But I don't want to be Gabrielle, Mike! Why do *I* always have to
be the cute blonde sidekick?
CROW: Because you have the figure for it?
TOM: Shut up, you!
MIKE: Crow, you're not helping. Tom, it won't be that bad. Remember,
all you have to do is stand in a corner waving a stick while Xena
does all the work.
TOM: Exactly my point! I don't *want* to be the ineffectual comic relief!
GYPSY: Listen, Tom. I want to be Xena, so you'll be Gabrielle.
TOM: And what if I don't?
GYPSY: I'll... I'll... I'll throw my magic metal frisbee at you!
TOM: Oh yeah? I'd like to see you try!

[Gypsy reaches offscreen and retrieves the Xena frisbee with her mouth.
She whips around real hard and chucks it at Tom. It misses, flying
offscreen.]

TOM: Ha ha! You missed me!

[Several metallic ricochets are heard from offscreen. Mike and Crow
follow the movements of the frisbee with their eyes. Suddenly, the
frisbee darts back onscreen, whacks Servo upside his globe, and returns
to Gypsy's mouth.]

CROW: Wow!
MIKE: How did you do that?!
TOM: <shaking head> Aygida-aygida-aygida...

[The Mads light begins flashing.]

MIKE: Uh oh, looks like Ed and his Dead Mother are calling.
GYPSY: Aww...
MIKE: Maybe next time, Gyps...
TOM: Saved by the bell!

[Deep 13. Dr. Forrester is glaring into the camera.]

DR.F: Dead mother? Not quite. At least, not yet...

[Forrester lets his gaze drift, seemingly daydreaming. Then he snaps
his attention back to Mike and the Bots.]

DR.F: So, you like "Xena: Warrior Princess," do you? Just so happens I
have something here that might put you off the show for a while.
No, it's not a fanfic...

[SOL. Mike, Crow, and Tom breathe a visible sigh of relief.]

[D13]

DR.F: ...although it's only a matter of time before I find one of those!
<cackles evilly> No, what I have for you today is a poorly-written,
basically-useless document titled "The Xena: Warrior Princess FAQ."
Enjoy!

[SOL. Lights, buzzers, etc.]

MIKE: AAAAHH!!! WE GOT... FAQ SIGN?!

[6...5...4...3...2...1...]

[Mike and the bots enter the theater.]

> Xena: Warrior Princess
> Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ)

MIKE: Hey, this could be fun!
CROW: Oh, come on, Mike! If this FAQ was any good, would Dr. Forrester
have sent it to us?

>
> Last modified: March 1996
>
> Original portions (C) 1995,6 by Ted Turocy
> (arb...@nwu.edu)
>
> NOTE: As always; comments, critiques, corrections, and submissions are
> always welcome.

TOM: Much obliged, Ted!

>
> The current version of this document is available on the World Wide Web at
> http://www.hss.

ALL: HISSSSSS!!!

> caltech.edu/~magyar/xena/xena-faq.txt
>
> This will be posted periodically on the USENET newsgroup alt.tv.xena and
> the xena mailing list.
>
> This document may be copied provided no changes are made to it in any way.

MIKE: Uh oh. I think we're in legal trouble, guys.
TOM: Well, we're not actually *changing* anything he wrote, right? I mean,
we're just adding comments and suggestions, like he wanted, right?
CROW: Oooh, nice double-talk, Servo! Have you ever thought of becoming a
lawyer?

>
>
> DISCLAIMER: This document is intended as a quick introduction and reference
> guide to the Xena: Warrior Princess television series.

TOM: "Xena kicks ass." What else *is* there? It's not exactly a complex
show.

> Although every
> effort is made to keep this document up-to-date and accurate, it is in
> no way to be viewed as "official" information from MCA, Universal, or
> Renaissance, except where explicitly noted.

CROW: It is in no way to be viewed as "interesting" or "well-written," either.
MIKE: Except where explicitly noted.

>
> THANKS: To everyone who has and will have contributed to this document,

TOM: You're welcome!

> and also to the authors of other FAQs which I studied in constructing this
> one.

MIKE: Is it *really* so hard to make a FAQ that you have to study others to
know how it's done?

>
> =========================================================================
>
> Xena: Warrior Princess is an hour-long action-adventure series
> exclusively distributed in syndication in the United States by
> MCA TV and internationally by MCA TV International. It
> premiered in September of 1995 as a spinoff of the successful
> Hercules: The Legendary Journeys series, and is consistently
> among the top-rated syndicated shows in the country.

CROW: Great. Now tell us something we *don't* know...

>
> "Surrounded by enemies, barbaric tribes, slave traders, and a
> host of other evils,

TOM: ...mimes, NFL owners, congressmen, Pauly Shore...

> Xena is on a mission to help people free
> themselves from tyranny and injustice."

MIKE: Via the Power of Positive Whoop-ass.

> -- from the MCA Website
>
> =========================================================================
>
> The Questions:
>
> I. Xena Internet resources
> 1. The Xena mailing list
> 2. The Xena newsgroup
> 3. Xena on the Web
> 4. Are there Xena-related chats?
>
> II. Production stuff

TOM: Production what?
CROW: You know... stuff.

> 1. When and where can I watch Xena?
> 2. Where is Xena filmed?
> 3. Do Hercules: TLJ and Xena: WP have the same production staff?
> 4. How do I become a writer for the show?
>
> III. Character/actress stuff

CROW: More stuff.

> 1. Character biographies
> 2. Actress biographies
>
> IV. Miscellany
> 1. Where is the series taking place?
> 2. When is the series taking place?

MIKE: *Why* is the series taking place?

> 3. Is Xena's horse male or female?

TOM: Is this *really* a frequently asked question?

> 4. How do I spell...?
> 5. Can I get Xena posters/action figures/etc.?
> 6. Where can I get nude pictures of Lucy Lawless?

MIKE: Okay, *this* I'll believe is frequently asked.
CROW: I wouldn't mind knowing the answer this one, myself!

>
>
> =========================================================================
>
> The Answers:
>
> Part I. Xena Internet resources

TOM: When she's not out adventuring or busting bad guys, Xena hangs out in
these newsgroups...

>
> 1. The Xena mailing list
>
> There is a Xena email discussion list, though interestingly it is younger
> than either the Netforum or the USENET group.

MIKE: Ah. You must be using some strange definition of the word
'interesting' that I hadn't previously been aware of.

> To subscribe, send mail
> to the address xena-r...@adler.kellogg.nwu.edu.

CROW: Ooh! Ooh! I'd like to request a Xena, please! Can you have her here
by Saturday? And does she come with that little leather outfit?
MIKE: Calm down, Crow.

> The list is manually
> maintained, so you need not issue any special commands, regular English
> prose is fine.

TOM: You do *not* need to send e-mail in ancient Sumarian.

>
> At this writing, the list is still in its infancy, so it is not possible
> to describe the list in terms of content or volume.

MIKE: It just keeps crying and wetting itself.

>
>
> 2. The Xena newsgroup
>
> There is a USENET newsgroup, alt.tv.xena, created in November 1995.

CROW: No there isn't.
TOM: Huh?
CROW: I checked! There's no Xena newsgroup!
MIKE: You mean you actually went *looking* for a Xena newsgroup?
CROW: Yeah. So?

> As of this writing, traffic is slow

TOM: <chopper noise> ...on outbound I-95...

> but has been picking up as more
> sites begin to carry the group.
>
> If your site does not carry alt.tv.xena,

CROW: ...your newsreader sucks and your poor pathetic life will never amount
to anything.

> you should contact your local
> news administrator (if you don't know who this is, ask around) and ask
> them (nicely) to carry it. Many sites do not automatically carry all alt.*
> groups due to space constraints.

MIKE: Other sites don't carry groups that no one posts to.

>
>
> 3. Xena on the Web

TOM: "Come into my parlor," said the spider to the Xena...

>
> MCA, the distributors of Xena, have an "official" website at URL
> http://www.mca.com/tv/xena (you might have seen it during the closing
> credits).

MIKE: So if you've ever seen the show, this bit of information is worthless.

> The site includes a number of nice pictures of both Xena
> and Gabrielle and some useful information.

CROW: But what about the *nude* pictures?
MIKE: Hush, he's getting to that.

>
> The MCA website also has a Netforum discussion area which is not
> dissimilar to (but separate from) the USENET group.

TOM: Segregated newsgroups? That's racist!

> As of this writing,
> there have been problems with the Netforum "forgetting" user names, and
> with people being unable to log in to post. However, the quality and
> quantity of discussion has been consistently high.

MIKE: ...and so has Netforum -- hence, the memory problems.

> A full history of
> posts is available.

CROW: If you have no life.

>
> Unofficial Xena websites have begun to appear. A promising one
> (still under some construction) can be found at
> http://plaza.interport.net/logomanc/xena.html,

TOM: He's a Legomaniac!

> including information on the new graphic novel/fanzine.

CROW: You mean comic book.
TOM: Graphic novel!
CROW: Comic book!
TOM: Graphic novel!
CROW: Comic book!
MIKE: All right, you two. Knock it off.

>
> 4. Are there Xena-related chats?
>

TOM: No.

> Yes.

TOM: Oh.

> On undernet, try the channel #lawless.

MIKE: <Western voice> The wildest, wooliest channel in cyberspace!

> This is a registered
> undernet channel, and there are people there frequently.

CROW: They don't talk to each other much, but they're *there*...

>
> There are biweekly AOL chats held on Sunday night. AOL users should
> contact gon...@aol.com for information.

TOM: Gonegra? I think there's a lotion for that.

>
> On Compuserve, there is a weekly Sunday night chat at 10 pm Eastern Time,
> in the Mt. Olympus room in the Hercules/Xena8 pm Central.

MIKE: Now appearing in the Mt. Olympus room... Sigfried and Roy!
ALL: <crowd noises>

>
> 2. Where is Xena filmed?

CROW: Hey! How'd we go from #4 to #2?
MIKE: Maybe we hit a disruption in the space-time continuum.
TOM: Nah, that'd be in a Star Trek FAQ.

>
> Xena is filmed on location in and around Auckland, New Zealand.

CROW: Oh, come on, she's not *that* heavy.

>
> 3. Do Hercules: TLJ and Xena: WP have the same production staff?

TOM: Hercules: That Little Jackass?
CROW: Xena: With Peanuts?
MIKE: You know, new Xena with peanuts really satisfies...

>
> No. The shows are filmed at the same locations, but the staff is largely
> separate and there is (surprisingly?) little crossover between them.
>
> 4. How do I become a writer for the show?

TOM: Who'd want to write for *this* show?

[A loud "AHEM" echoes through the theater.]

TOM: What was that?
MIKE: Um... I think our author once tried his hand at a Xena script.

>
> The show maintains its own staff of writers.

CROW: The writers are fed and watered every day.

> Unsolicited spec scripts
> are not accepted.

CROW: Aw...
TOM: Too bad, Crow. Maybe they would've accepted "Xena vs. Soup."

> If you are a writer with representation, you may
> submit a spec script, which must not be a script for the show.

TOM: Oh, I can see why that wou-- huh?!
CROW: Oh, that's just standard TV procedure. If you'd like to write for a
show, submit a script for a different show.
MIKE: That's Hollywood for you: a paragon of logic.

> Your agent should contact Renaissance Pictures at Universal Studios.
>
> Part III. Character/actress stuff
>
> 1. Character histories
>
> o Xena
>
> Xena was a peasant girl until raiders attacked her village, killing her
> brother.

TOM: Harrison Ford, NO!

> Since no one else would stand up to the raiders, she
> started to learn the arts of war, built an army, and defeated the raiders.

CROW: ...all in the span of about a week.
MIKE: Fortunately, the raiders were patient enough simply wait around while
she did all this.

> To make sure noone would be able to attack her village again, she
> conquered the surrounding lands.

TOM: And to make sure her next-door neighbor didn't dump his leaves in her
yard, she killed him and burned his house down.

> Eventually, she began fighting for
> no more than love of power, and her ruthless army caused her name to be
> held in fear by the known world.

CROW: He says that like there's something wrong with it!

>
> Then, she ran across Hercules.

MIKE: ...and he still has the footprint on his chest to prove it.

> Knowing that Hercules was a threat to
> her desire for total conquest, she attempted to turn Iolaus against him.
> But her plan failed, and Hercules was the first to touch her heart.

ALL: Eww...
TOM: The best way to Xena's heart is a sword through the chest.

> Understanding what her past had done to others, and to herself,

CROW: Naughty past! Look what you did! Look!

> she
> decided to set out on a life of good as the enemy of tyrrany and
> injustice. But her past still often rears its head...

MIKE: <lizard voice> Hi, I'm your past! Blalalalalala...

>
>
> o Gabrielle
>
> Gabrielle comes from a small village that Xena saved from destruction
> by the forces of Draco,

TOM: ...the lasht dragon, who shounded an awful lot like Sean Connery.

> her first resuce after her conversion.

CROW: Conversion? Did she become an Episcopalean or something?

> She gradually insinuated her way into Xena's company,

MIKE: Just what are you insinuating?

> and (over the
> course of the first season) a friendship has grown.

TOM: ...like a fungus.

>
> Gabrielle has no martial background,

CROW: She was never a sheriff.

> but learned some staff fighting
> during her time as an "Amazon princess".

MIKE: Now she hires people to fight for her.

>
>
>
> 2. Actress biographies
>
> [More detailed biographies are available at the MCA webstite,
> http://www.mca.com/tv/xena/cast]

TOM: ...so go there instead of reading this FAQ!

>
> o Lucy Lawless (Xena)
>
> Lucy was born in Mt. Albert, Auckland, New Zealand.

CROW: She was born inside a mountain? Wow! She really *is* a goddess!

> She is the fifth of
> seven children and the olderst girl in her family, and was principally
> educated in convent schools.

MIKE: And now she dresses in skimpy leather outfits and beats up dozens of
men at a time. See what a religious upbringing can do to you?

> She briefly attended Auckland University, but
> soon left for Europe and went grape-picking on the Rhine, followed by
> a tour of duty with a gold mining company in the Outback.

CROW: Wow! That settles it: Lucy Lawless is the coolest person ever!

>
> Lawless' acting credits to date include television commercials,

TOM: Hi, I'm Xena for American Express...

> a stint with a comedy troupe on television called "Funny Business",

CROW: <sputter> Huh?

> co-hostess of a travel magazine,

CROW: Wha...? Okay, I take that "coolest person ever" thing back.

> and several guest starring appearances.
> She is probably most familiar to American audiences from the movie
> "Rainbow Warrior".

MIKE: Um... nope. She's most familiar as Xena, I think.

> She has appeared on "Hercules" as Lyla, the wife of
> Derec the Centaur, and as Lysia in "Hercules and the Amazon Women".
>
> Lucy has one daughter, Daisy, who is now seven years old. Lucy's birthday
> is March 29.

TOM: This FAQ is brought to you by the American Council for Random Celebrity
Factoids. Did you know William Shatner's favorite color is blue?

>
> o Renee O'Connor (Gabrielle)
>
> Renee was born in Katy, Texas, and began studying acting at the age of
> twelve.

CROW: Unfortunately, she dropped out at the age of thirteen, and became the
actress we see today.

> She attended Houston's High School of the Performing and Visual
> Arts. Her professional acting debut came in 1989 in the "Teen Angel" serial
> on the Disney Channel's Mickey Mouse Club,

TOM: Annette!
CROW: Cubby!
MIKE: Gabrielle!

> and she has appeared in several
> shows since then.
>
> Renee is single

MIKE: <stunned> Duh...
TOM: Calm down, Mike. It's not like you'd have a shot, even if you *were*
on Earth.

> and is currently living in Los Angeles

CROW: Well, nobody's perfect.

> when not on location
> in Auckland. Her birthday is February 15.

TOM: Great, I'll mark it on my calendar.

>
>
> Part IV. Miscellany
>
> ** Special thanks to rca...@indirect.com for answers (1) and (2).
>
> 1. Where is the series taking place?
>
> Ancient Greece, of course, but my do they move around.

MIKE: That's good. The show wouldn't be quite as exciting if Xena just laid
on the ground comatose for 48 minutes.

>
> Lacking graphics for a map, think of the ancient Greek world as an
> upside-down "U".

TOM: The *hell*?
CROW: The computer sees the Ancient Greek world as a series of ones and
zeroes...

> The left leg represents the Greek peninsula, and the right
> leg represents Asiace:

MIKE: What the heck is Asiace?

> Athens is a little north of (1);

TOM: One? One *what*?

> Sparta is a bit southwest of (1);

CROW: Are we supposed to be following along with something here?

> Troy is in the neighborhood of (7)

TOM: I thought he said there wasn't a map!
MIKE: Maybe he lied. Look around, check for a map.

[Mike, Tom, and Crow look around and up and down.]

CROW: Nope. I don't see any map.

>
> Xena was born in Amphipolis (5).

TOM: Hey, Ted! Too bad this whole numbering thing means *squat* to us!

> What happened to her between her leaving
> Amphipolis and her resurfacing in the Hercules episode "The Warrior
> Princess" is a little vague. We do know that she fought many wars in or
> Corinth(1-inland)

MIKE: Uh oh, Ted's getting fancy with his meaningless directions.

> which is in Arcadia (A/1) -

CROW: It's how steak is done.

> including against the Centaurs
> ("Hooves and Harlots"). This placing of the centaurs is a little odd being
> that the centaurs are from the state of Thessaly (3).

TOM: Guess what, Ted -- NOBODY CARES!!

>
> We first meet Xena somewhere around Hercules' hometown of Thebes (2), and
> from there she takes Iolaus to Arcadia before Hercules ruins her plans.

TOM: Look, get a mitt and catch a frigging *clue*, Ted! The only consistent
thing about Xena is that there *is* no consistency! Do you *really*
think the writers sit around the office with a big U-shaped map of the
Ancient Greek world, figuring out where everything takes place and
whether Xena could really get there in X amount of time? Or do you
think they just put whatever they like into the scripts, realistic
portrayal of Ancient Greece be damned?!
CROW: Woo! Score one for Servo!
TOM: <pant pant>

>
> Soon after she turns to good,

MIKE: ...and a healthy breakfast of oatmeal, the right thing to do...

> Xena returns to Amphipolis. Since Gabrielle
> followed her, presumable mostly on foot, Gabrielle's home village can't be
> too far away from Amphipolis.

CROW: But since Gabrielle has followed Xena around on foot for the entire
*series*, there's no telling how far away it was.

> Certainly no father away than Thessaly (3/4).

TOM: Wait a second. Thessaly was in (3) just a few lines ago, and now it's
either in (3) or (4)?
CROW: Or maybe even three-fourths!
MIKE: Well, when you're making things up as you go, it's easy to get
confused.

>
> In "Death in Chains", X & G are once again in Corinth (1-inland),

CROW: "X & G"? Aren't they gangsta rappers?

> where Sisyphus is King.

MIKE: Try saying *that* 10 time fast!
TOM: Sisyphus Sisyphus Sisafuth Sussyfass Sathafuth Sassafras Fussafist...

> In the next episode shown, X & G are in the realm of the
> Amazons (east of G).

CROW: East of Gabrielle? You mean east of wherever she happened to be
standing at the time?

> However, since Centaurs are nearby, it implies they
> are still near Corinth, or possibly now somewhere in Thessaly
> (and this is a
> rouge group of Amazons).

TOM: They wore *way* too much makeup.

>
> 2. When is the series taking place?

MIKE: Uh oh, here comes another long-winded section attempting to bring
realism into "Xena!"
ALL: NOOOOO!!!

>
> This is a difficult area to pin down since the series presents contradictory
> material.

CROW: <sarcastic> No, really?

>
> Since so much iron is used in weapons (we'll assume it's iron and not
> steel), the time can't be significantly earlier than about 1500 B.C.: the
> time when iron started being produced in quantity.

TOM: Yeah, whatever.

>
> The latest historical reference made in the series so far (Dec. 1995) was in
> the episode "Death in Chains", where there is mention of Sophokles (496-406
> B.C.). This places the series probably no later than about 380 B.C.

MIKE: And it just *couldn't* be that the writers flipped through the "Big
Book of Mythology," saw the name Sophokles, and inserted it in their
script, right?

>
> There are several mentions of heros of the Trojan War (e.g. in "The
> Reckoning"), and this places things sometime after c.1184 B.C. (the
> traditional date of the end of the Trojan War).

CROW: A war that may or may not have existed.
TOM: And *certainly* didn't happen the way Homer described. If it were true,
there'd be gods and magical armor and stuff *everywhere*.

>
> There are numerous statements attributed to the producers of the show which
> state that Gabrielle is intended to actually be the great poet Homer
> (sometime between 1200 and 850 B.C.), and that history just got the
> authorship wrong.

MIKE: Great theory, but seeing as how they *met* Homer in one episode...
TOM: Fanboy.
MIKE: What?

> If they hold to this, then the series does in fact take
> place after the Trojan War.

CROW: And once again, all those who care...?

>
> We could be comfortable with this except for one thing: Herakles (Hercules)
> is computed as dying some 79 years before the start of the Trojan War -- and
> obviously Xena and Gabrielle are contemporaries of the legendary hero. This
> places the time period somewhere between 1300-1250 B.C.

TOM: How can you put a date on the life of someone who isn't real? Demigods
with miraculous powers don't exist!
CROW: Unless you talk to the millions of Christians in the world.
TOM: Uh... hmmm.

>
> At of this writing, if we ignore the Sophokles reference, the series
> probably takes place sometime between 1300-850 B.C.

MIKE: And if you take the modern speech patterns and euphamisms into account,
I'd say it takes place between 1985-2000 A.D.

>
> 3. Is Xena's horse male or female?

TOM: Here's a question that's burning in my mind. Please, do tell!

>
> Xena's horse, in the show, is named Argo, and is male. However, the
> horse is played by Daisy, who is female.

CROW: She named her horse after her daughter?
MIKE: Or her daughter after her horse... which is worse.

>
> 4. How do I spell...?

TOM: Easy: "..."

>
> Here's a quick spelling list of various characters who have appeared
> in the show:

CROW: Once again, Ted answers another Frequently Asked Question That
No One Really Asks.

>
> Ephiny, Eponin, Krykus, Melosa, Phantes, Terreis, Tyldus, Petracles,
> Thersites, Euripides, Polonius, Stallonus,

MIKE: <Stallone> Yo, Adrianus!

> Twickenham,

TOM: *Twickenham*?? Are you sure Ted didn't accidentally stumble onto a
Shakespearean comedy?

> Arkel,

CROW: Arkel? He's so funny! Hey, Mike, do your Arkel impression!
MIKE: Hey, Laura, want some cheese?
TOM&CROW: <bust up laughing>

> Malthus, Meleager, Toris

TOM: ...Moronicus, Gaseous, Biggus Dickus...
CROW: And, of course, Uranus!

>
> 5. Can I get Xena posters/action figures/etc.?
>
> Xena promotional posters were being given away for free by a promotional
> agency in Los Angeles; word is that their supply has been exhausted, so
> please don't pester them about it.

MIKE: Drone on and on about inane bits of Xena trivia instead.

> Some have reported success in obtaining
> posters from their local television stations.

TOM: Many of them are still in prison for it.

> It has been claimed that
> Xena posters are/will be available at Target and Wal-Mart stores, although
> noone the editor knows has been successful.

CROW: ...at anything. In fact, all of my friends are losers.

> Another possibility is
> a comic or hobby store.

MIKE: Don't look at me! I'm just a FAQ! I can't give you all the answers!

>
> There is a Xena action figure in the Hercules line; however, it is
> very difficult to come by, as it is not in wide production.

TOM: Here it comes, guys!

>
> 6. Where can I get nude pictures of Lucy Lawless?

ALL: WOO!!
MIKE: Now *here's* a Frequently Asked Question!

>
> This question is here so we can get it out of the way once and for
> all. THEY DON'T EXIST. I repeat. THEY DON'T EXIST.

ALL: Aww...
CROW: Well, there goes your Saturday night, Mike.

>
> A faked nude of Lucy appeared on the Net in January 1996.

MIKE: You know, *just* when I'm convinced that Internet folks aren't all
teenage, pimple-faced, no-life geeks...

> The original
> poster of the image has been located and is being dealt with by MCA's
> crack legal team.

ALL: EWW!!

>
> The rumor that Lucy is a former porn star is completely bogus.
>

TOM: <snicker> Well, *that* was a completely random sentence to end a FAQ
with. Let's go.

[Mike and the bots exit the theater.]

[1...2...3...4...5...6...]

[SOL. Mike, Tom, and Crow catch their breaths.]

TOM: Mike?
MIKE: Yeah?
TOM: What the *hell* was that?
MIKE: Looked like an attempt to make a FAQ when there warn't no FAQ to make.
CROW: Exactly. I have a hard time believing people go on-line to ask
what Xena's horse's name is.
TOM: Or where all those towns are in relation to each other.
MIKE: Or *precisely* when the show is supposed to be taking place.
ALL: <sigh>
CROW: The thing is, there *are* questions about "Xena" that I wouldn't mind
having answered.
TOM: *Lots* of them.
MIKE: Like what?
CROW: Like... doesn't that leather chafe?
MIKE: Maybe she has specially-made Xena undergarments made so she can fight
and do flips and everything without getting an unsightly rash.
TOM: How about this: how exactly does that frisbee thing work, anyway?
MIKE: Ummm... it serves as a plot device, doing whatever the writers want
when they write themselves in a hole, then conveniently disappearing
when it's not needed. And *that's* what makes it magic.
TOM: Makes sense.
CROW: Okay, Mister Answer Man, why don't they get Gabrielle a horse? It
seems like their traveling would go a bit faster if she didn't have
to walk.
MIKE: Let me think... maybe Xena secretly wants to get rid of her, and
not letting her ride a horse is Xena's way of saying, "Go away."
TOM: Is Xena a warrior who's also a princess, or is she so good at fighting
that she's a princess among warriors?
CROW: And, if the latter is the case, who is the *queen* of warriors?
TOM: And how about that intro -- bagpipes? Why??
CROW: And what about that Gabrielle horse thing? I can't stress that enough!
MIKE: Okay, okay, guys. I think you've made your point. Suffice it to
say that anyone who wants to make serious, detailed FAQs based on
"Hercules" or "Xena" is seriously messed in the head.

[The Mads light flashes.]

MIKE: So... what do you think, sir and/or madam?

[Deep 13. Dr. Forrester is hunched over a desk, writing profusely.]

DR.F: ...why...not...get...Gabrielle...a horse...

[Forrester looks up from his scribbling and quickly shoves the papers under
the desk, startled.]

DR.F: Ah, Mike. Yes. I wasn't writing a FAQ or anything. Just some
scientific... stuff. You wouldn't understand. Um... anyway. Until
next time...

[Dr. Forrester pushes the button.]

\ | /
\ | /
--- * --- PWOOSH!
/ | \
/ | \

Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its characters are the rights of
Best Brains, Inc. Likewise, "Xena: Warrior Princess" and "Hercules:
The Lengendary Journeys" are (as pointed out in the FAQ) the rights
of MCA, Universal, and Renaissance Pictures. No infringement of
either copyrights are intended.

This document may be freely distributed as long as no money is made
off of it and no changes are made to it. (Although if this MiSTing
gets MiSTed, then tough titty, I guess.)

> The rumor that Lucy is a former porn star is completely bogus.

[Chris Dugan]

Mike Barklage (bark...@ucsu.Colorado.EDU) wrote:

: MSTed: "The Xena FAQ"
: by Mike Barklage

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Great stuff!

I don't think Tom would mind dressing up in drag, however. He does this a
lot on the show, and, as far as I know, has never complained.

Yours truly,

Chris Dugan

[Chris Dugan]

Maren Williams (mhwil...@panda.uiowa.edu) wrote:
: > I don't think Tom would mind dressing up in drag, however. He does this a

: > lot on the show, and, as far as I know, has never complained.
: >
: > Yours truly,
: >
: > Chris Dugan

: >
: >
: >>>>
: yes, but NO ONE would want to be the Annoying Little Friend.

Since I haven't seen Xena, I can't comment on this. By any chance, does
the Annoying Little Friend go around saying things like "Cabot! Cabot!
Cabot? Cabot! Cabot..."?

Yours truly,

Chris Dugan

------------------------

MAKE $$$ FAST!

Hold down "Shift" and
press "4" three times.

------------------------

[Maren Williams]

> c...@world.std.com (Chris Dugan) writes:
> Mike Barklage (bark...@ucsu.Colorado.EDU) wrote:
>
> : MSTed: "The Xena FAQ"
> : by Mike Barklage
>
> Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Great stuff!
>

> I don't think Tom would mind dressing up in drag, however. He does this a
> lot on the show, and, as far as I know, has never complained.
>
> Yours truly,
>
> Chris Dugan
>
>
>>>>
yes, but NO ONE would want to be the Annoying Little Friend.

Maren "Bob" Williams