MSTed: "Doctor Who and the X-Men" [3/5]
TDion34
> "What?" said Scott Summers, codenamed Cyclops.
Tom: [pissy Cerebro] I said a Police. Call. Box.
Crow: [Holly] You are a smeghead, aren't you, Cyclops?
>
Cyclops' eyes fire
>laser beams so he has to wear specially fabricated quartz ruby lenses to
>allow him to control them.
Mike: Ouch, Clyde's going to have visit a Mobil for a tune-up if he keeps
shifting tenses like that.
> "This is absolutely ridiculous" the woman with brown hair and a white
>stripe the middle commented.
Crow: [Rogue] Why cain't anyone evuh get mah accent raght?
> "How can a telephone box
travel,
>materialize
>and dematerialize?".
Tom: Pretty much the same way a woman can fly and steal minds.
> She just had to simply touch someone to
absorb his
>or her psyche and powers.
Crow: Clyde's going to introduce every character like this, isn't he?
Mike: He skipped Cyclops, didn't he?
Crow: Think about those two words: "Cyclops" and "character."
Mike: Point taken.
> It was a unique ability but it had
quite a
>psychological effect on her. Her first boyfriend had ended up in a coma >for
>three days as a side-effect. On another occasion she had killed a
>superheroine. This was when she was not on the side of the law.
Tom: So, it's all right to kill a superheroine if you're with the law?
>
She had
>turned to the X-Men after she absorbed the psyche of the person she had
>killed. She could not control her thoughts. Two personalities in
>one head.
Mike: Looks like Clyde's gone into "Hemingway mode," doesn't it?
Tom: [announcer] Can two personalities share the same mind and not go
crazy?
> Out of control. Thankfully, Professor Xavier managed to help
>her.
Mike: With a large dose of valium.
>
>"It's obviously *not* an ordinary one."
Tom: Nope, it's a Super Deluxe Silver Edition Police Call Box!
> Bishop looked at
his watch.
Mike: [Bishop] For crying out loud, I promised to meet Lou at the bowling
alley fifteen minutes ago!
>
He
>himself had seen many strange sights in his time, which was yet to
>come.
Tom: No! Not again! Please, Mike, turn me off! Anything! Don't make me sit
through another rendition of X-History! [His bubble begins to smoke and
he begins to mutter to himself.]
Mike: [soothingly] It's okay, honey, it's going to be all right. [Mike reaches
over and hugs Tom. Tom continues to shake and smoke.] Shh...it's gonna
be all right. [The shaking subsides and Tom quiets down.]
> Bishop was a dark-skinned man from a fearful future where >someone
had
Crow: You going to be okay, Tommy?
Tom: [weakly] Yeah, I'm fine, Crow. Meli just blindsided me for a moment.
[Tom sniffs.]
>killed the X-Men. Most likely it was one of them who killed them,
Tom: Oh, now he's just taunting us.
Mike: Attaboy, Tom! I knew you were better than the 'fic!
>according
>to the evidence he himself had found. Most probably it was Gambit, the >last
>X-Man to be seen alive.
Crow: He had been wearing syrup bottles and talking to flowers, but they
still thought he did it.
> "Further to primary analysis, a selective time trace has been found
>surrounding the area where the Box was located." continued Cerebro.
Mike: That's hard to get out. He's gonna need baking soda for that one.
> "What?" said Xavier. The professor could hardly believe this. This
>meant one thing.
Tom: Sea lions were going to invade New Foundland!
> "It's a time machine then!"
Mike: It was, but now it's working as a phone booth full time.
Crow: [Ted] No way!
Mike: [Rufus] Way!
> "Cerebro, can you trace its temporal path then?" asked Bishop.
> "Cerebro is unable to do such analysis." answered a stern Cerebro.
Crow: [Cerebro] Naughty, naughty, Bishop. You must be...*punished*...
> "Cerebro, can you locate any similar occurrences of a 1963 telephone
>box materializing anywhere?" asked Xavier, thinking that this box must >have
>been seen somewhere else.
Mike: [Norman Lovett] Hang on a mo'.
> After a few minutes, Cerebro came up with the reply:
> "No such occurrences."
Mike: [Norman Lovett] Sorry, dudes.
>
>Later that night, Xavier contacted Cable by comm-link, explaining the
>present situation in detail:
> "Do you know of any such boxes being used for time travel in your time
>or before?" Xavier asked him.
> "No, never."
Mike: [Cable] We always used triangles.
> "We need to upgrade Cerebro to scan temporal fluxes, in other words to
>detect temporal displacements."
> "I have just what you need. I will upload it to your system and you
>can then install it."
Tom: [Cable] Be sure you've got WindowsNT and Soundblaster installed, as
well as 32 megs of RAM.
>
>Cable was the son of Cyclops and Madelyn Pryor,
[Tom begins to shake and mutter again.]
Crow: Woop-woop! History off the port bow, captain!
Mike: Come on, Tommy. Come on, you can rise above it!
[Tom's bubble begins to smoke once more.]
> a
clone of Jean Grey,
>grown up a few thousands of years in the future. Cable was a limited
>telepath, but he complemented his abilities with the use of some
Mike: [anxiously] Come on, Tom. Don't let it get you!
>advanced
>futuristic guns. He was not an X-Man, but he formed X-Force, another >mutant
>team, a while back in the present.
[Tom's shaking subsides, and he stops muttering]
Tom: Whew! That was close! Thanks for the support, Nelson.
Mike: Any time, buddy.
>
>Part 5.
Tom: [singing] Stayin' alive! Stayin' alive!
Mike: That's the spirit, Tom!
>
>The familiar wheezing sound of
Crow: The '85 Jimmy as it climbed a hill...
> the TARDIS could be heard in
an alley
Tom: Cripes! It's an "Enemy Within" rip-off!
>in Salem Center. Luckily there were no onlookers when the TARDIS
>materialized. Then the Doctor, Tegan and Adric came out of the TARDIS.
Mike: What happened to Nyssa?
Crow: Oh, she's probably retuning her vibra -
Mike: Ixnay, otbay!
> "Come on, Adric, let's get a move on." said the Doctor.
Crow: Even I'm not going to sink that low.
> "Doctor, do you think they will attack us again?" Tegan asked in a
>worried tone.
Tom: [breezily] Oh, most likely. Best thing's just to get on with it.
> "Well, this time I don't know. I just hope they don't. We haven't got
>along too well, I'm afraid." he replied.
Crow: If materialising and then dematerialising is not getting along, I'd
hate to see Meli's idea of a long-term relationship!
> The Doctor and his companions walked up to the Mansion gates.
> Suddenly a man moved up to them and said "you three are muties? If so
>you
Mike: [announcer] May have won a new car!
Tom: Since when was the X-mansion situated in downtown Salem Center?
Crow: Since Meli forgot where it originally was.
> will be in trouble." He had a knife in his hand, the Doctor could
>see it.
Mike: What the Doctor couldn't see was the big guy sneaking up behind him.
> The Doctor said "There's no need to be hostile. We are not 'muties',
>whatever they are."
> "You're lying, I can read that in your look. You're one of those
>killer muties!" he shouted.
Tom: I wonder if they're related to Killer Shrews...
> "Are you crazy? I'm just a stowaway, that's all!" Adric said.
Tom: And an alien.
Crow: And a liar.
Mike: And an annoying snot. In short, you're -
All: ADRIC!
> "I'll cut you all up, you mutie kid!" the man jumped at Adric with the
>knife, aiming at Adric's heart.
Crow: Maybe Meli's isn't such a bad guy after all...
> The Doctor managed to deflect the attack,
Crow: I retract my previous statement.
Tom: Besides, think of what it would have done to continuity, Crow.
Crow: Four words: "Genesis of the Daleks."
Mike: Check and mate, Tom.
> but was
caught off-balance.
>The man punched the Doctor hard. He kicked him and the Doctor fell
>down.
Mike: The 'Bots' logic circuits exploded.
Tom: The human's brain melted.
Crow: The crew of the SOL suffered massive brain hemorrages.
> He then moved in for the kill.
Crow: [grizzled sportsman] Yessir, when I want to catch me a Doctor, I use
Doctor-Call Bait, from 3M.
>
>Suddenly an energized card flew from within the Mansion grounds. The
>card was aimed at the man's knife and when they collided, there was a
>small explosion. No knife remained.
Tom: Rather like the plot five seconds after the story began.
> Afraid of what might happen to him, the man ran away.
Crow: [King Arthur] Run away! Run awaaaaaaaayy!
All: [Knights] Run awaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!
> "Are you hurt?" asked Gambit after opening the Mansion doors.
Tom: [Doctor] My ego's bruised, my arm hurts, and my celery's limp. What
do you think?
>
As a
>mutant Gambit could energize any object
Mike: [monotone] He just keeps going and going and going and going...
> and hurl it
at an opponent.
>Previously
Mike: On "X-Men History Theater 3000"...
Tom: Oh no, I smell back history.
> a thief, he remained quite a man with a mysterious past.
>The arrival of Bishop had only made things worse, since he claimed
>Gambit was the X-Traitor who would kill them all.
Tom: We have confirmation, Captain! History sighted!
> "Not really. My name is the Doctor, and these are my companions Tegan,
>Nyssa and Adric. What's your name?"
Crow: [deep voice] I'm Batman.
Mike: Uh, Crow? We've filled the Batman quota for today.
> "Gambit." replied the mutant. His eyes seemed to flash.
Mike: It turns out his eyes were glass; Gambit was a stuffed trophy. Thus
explaining his lack of personality.
>
The Doctor was
>uncomfortable for some reason in Gambit's presence. Something was not
>quite right with this Gambit. Had he met this Gambit in his previous
>travels?
> Possibly he had. He suddenly sensed some telepathic barriers.
Tom: How long has the Doctor been proficient in telepathy?
> There was something familiar about this individual.
Mike: [Doctor] I know you! We rode the ducks together at the Dells!
>
For a moment he
>thought he would remember him, however that knowledge eluded him. Was
>he an old enemy of his? Gambit asked puzzled, "Doctor who?"
Crow: Who thinks the other guy is an old enemy?
Mike: Exactly!
Crow: Mike, you realize, of course, I'm going to have to hurt you for that
one.
> "Yes, you may call me that way if you like."
Crow: [Doctor] Or you could call me Mr. Snuggles.
> A young woman flew over from the Mansion to the gates to see what had
>happened. She touched down and said "Hi, my name's Rogue.
Crow: I thought her name was Rouge.
Tom: Ladies and gentlemen, the effect of reading too many bad fanfics.
>
Are you
>people all right?"
> "Yes, we are fine.
Mike: [Doctor] We were just attacked by some dimensional thingies, then
some street punks. We're just fine, thanks.
> Just tell me one thing, are you the X-Men?"
asked
>the Time Lord.
Tom: [falsetto] No, we're Charlie's Angels! Tee-hee!
> "Of course we are." said Rogue.
> "I have to speak to all you. I have a message for you from Roma."
> "ROMA?"
All: FROM NOMA!
> shouted Storm, who at this moment was still inside the
>grounds.
Crow: [falsetto, muffled] Help! Help! Let me out! It's dark down here!
> She came over to speak to the Doctor. "What has happened to Roma? Is
>she all right?" Bishop, Xavier, Cyclops and Jean Grey walked to the
>gates.
> Storm, an Egyptian with blonde hair,
Tom: What happened to the Storm with white hair?
Crow: She's hiding with the appropriately aged Kitty and 16 year-old
Illyana.
Tom: Back history *and* discontinuity. My logic sequencer's gonna hate me
in the morning.
> had the ability to
control the
>weather, to whip up storms, monsoons, snow etc whenever she wished.
Mike: Dear God! It's more X-history!
Tom: [whimpers] Where!? Where!?
>And by the use of a strong wind she could also fly. She was currently
>leader of the Gold team, like Cyclops was leader of the Blue team.
> "We'd better talk inside." said Xavier. "We will discuss matters in
>my ready room."
Crow: Room, let's get ready to rumble!
>
>Part 6.
Crow: [singing] Stab out my eyes with little sticks.
Mike: Crow, you're getting a little dark and creepy there.
>
>Storm, Cyclops, Xavier, Jean Grey, Rogue, Gambit, Psylocke and Bishop
>were present in the professor's Ready Room. The Doctor and his
>companions entered the room and they sat down.
Tom: It's a Ratliff scene! Run!
Crow: Good idea, Tom!
[Crow bolts out of the theater.]
Mike: Crow! Get back here! Oh, cripes.
Tom: [unsteadily] Mike? I'm feeling a little wooozyyy... [Tom slumps over]
Mike: Oh, geez! [sighs] Come on, Tom.
[Mike picks up Tom and heads out after Crow.]
[1...2...3...4...5...6...*...]
--
Tyler Dion E-mail: TDi...@aol.com
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"So eight 5 and 1/4 inch floppy disks hold the key to time travel?"
- Tom Servo, Mystery Science Theater 3000: 821 Time Chasers