MiSTing: TimeLapse 5/8
Chris Mayfield
[SOL. Mike, Tom, and Crow are at the desk.]
Mike: Supposing Demetrius was going to bring back Riker, how could
he do it?
Tom: I know! The interaction of the enemy ship's phasers and the
chronotron particles in the wormhole caused all the crew members
to be changed into temporal energy. All they have to do is
reconfigure the transporter beam to identify their energy
signatures and beam them back aboard.
Mike: Very good, Tom. What about you, Crow?
Crow: Maybe Riker's dead. Forever. Maybe he's not coming back.
Maybe life is just one big joke and you spend your whole life
waiting for the punchline but there is no punchline because the
joke isn't funny ha-ha but sort of funny sadly-ironic or funny
pathetically-misguided and you find out that all your attempts to
reach out for love and understanding are futile because everybody
is just out for themselves and they don't care about you and
they'd sell you up the river if it bought them one more breath of
life and God's up there laughing at all of our pitiful attempts
at trying to understand what's going on and the best we can hope
for is to die quickly and painlessly in our sleep.
Or maybe Q came and rescued everyone.
[lights go off.]
All: We've got usenet sign!
[1...2...3...4...5...6...]
Tom: [as they enter the theatre] Crow, that was irredeemably dark.
Keep it up.
>
>Path: moe.ksu.ksu.edu!zaphod.mps.ohio-state.edu!wupost!udel!
Mike: Peter Udell!
Tom: [singing] I've heard it all, I've heard it all, I've heard it
all before. They always have a holy cause when they march you off
to war.
Crow: Nobody got that, you guys.
Mike: I know, but it's still fun.
>darwin.sura.net!haven.umd.edu!umbc3.umbc.edu!gmuvax2!dpietz
>From: dpi...@gmuvax2.gmu.edu (Demetrius Pietz)
>Newsgroups: rec.arts.startrek
>Subject: REPOST "Time Lapse" 3/5
>Keywords: story
>Message-ID: <1991Sep16.2...@gmuvax2.gmu.edu>
>Date: 16 Sep 91 21:19:21 GMT
Tom: Hey look! It's the author's birthday!
All: [singing] Happy birthday to Chris, happy birthday to Chris...
Crow: Are we in a Pirandello play now?
Tom: Yeah, Three Characters in Search of a Plot.
>Distribution: usa
>Organization: George Mason University, Fairfax Va.
>Lines: 268
>
>
> Picard and the bridge crew sat and watched the saucer section
>as it exploded.
All: Ooooh! Aaaah! Ohhhhh!
> An unearthly light filled the battle bridge.
Mike: It's the ghost of John Carradine!
>Although in emotional shock over the loss of nearly 1000 people
>and his first officer, Picard still mannaged to keep his
>composure.
Tom: Which stage of grieving is indifference?
> "Mister Worf fire all phasers at the ship holding us! Mister
>Data, prepare to for
All: Sicks ate!
> warp speed as soon as the tractor beam is
>cut!"
Mike: Once the tractor beam is cut, then the Enterprise will take
its first breath on its own.
> His voice rang out, a little madder than normally.
Crow: It is not I who am crazier, it is I who am madder! Ha ha ha!
> Deep
>within him a slow hate began to build.
Mike: This is how ulcers start.
> He was going to make the
>Poltar pay.
Tom: In food stamps.
> If not for the Federation then for the inoscent
>families aboard the saucer.
Crow: And what was the reason they had those families on board?
Mike: Um...the kids crew?
Tom: Wait--that means Marrissa is dead!
Mike: Wrong fanfic, Tom.
Tom: A robot can dream, can't he?
Crow: Say, Tom, do you ever dream of electric sheep?
Tom: I don't know. I don't remember my dreams.
Crow: We can remember them for you wholesale.
Mike: We'd better get back to the story before we stray any
further off topic.
Crow: [to Mike] Philip K. Dickweed.
> Sacrlet beams slammed into the Poltar
>ship.
> "Sir," said Data," their shields are starting to give."
Mike: Plasma every Tuesday.
Crow: The Flint Plasma Center is open Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday,
Thursday, and Friday. It is closed Saturday and Sunday.
> "Fire again, Mister Worf!"
Tom: So suddenly they're able to beat the Poltar, simply because
Picard got mad?
> A second volly was sent. This one sliced through the Poltar
>shield and into the ship itself.
Mike: It's a ginsue phaser.
Crow: And it's all yours for $59.99! Act now!
> The Poltar commander in such
>shock over seeing such an old vessel fire with such force, could
>do nothing.
Tom: Nobody conveys inaction better than Demetrius.
> The phaser beam ripped through the hull of the ship.
>Bits of molted plaser,
Crow: What is plaser?
Mike: I don't know, but I don't want to be around any bird that
molts it.
> steel, and the occasional body part flew
>through the ship.
Mike: This is why they want you to store your body parts in the
overhead compartments.
> The beam hit the bridge. The Poltar commander,
>still in shock, could do nothing but stare as it hit him square.
Tom: Well, he could die, too.
>Smoke and sparks flew through the ship. Air that had once been
>held tight by the ship's shell was let loose. Explosive de-
>compression ripped away several decks and levels.
Mike: The difference between the two being..?
> Following close
>behind the phasers were a volly of photon torpedos. Impacting at
>various points
Tom: Various pressure points.
> of the ship they took the ship apart like a
>jigsaw-puzzle
Crow: If only this story fit together so easily.
> suddenly being droped.
> "Sir ", Data said," tractor beam has been broken."
Mike: We can't have nice things.
> "Data, go! Warp 10! Take us back to the starbase."
Tom: But but but, if they go warp 10 they'll go back in time, like
in Star Trek IV.
> "Aye, sir. Warp 10."
> The Enterprise turned and fled into the night.
Crow: THERE IS NO NIGHT!
>
> The Enterprise neared the covered starbase. The ship slowed
>and fell into orbit.
> "Hail them Mister Worf."
Mike: [Picard] Sleet them, if necessary.
> "Aye, sir. They are answering."
> "Sir ", said Data," are we not
Tom: Men? If you prick us, do we not bleed?
> going to return to our correct
>time?"
> "No, Mister Data! We are here
All: And they are here!
> and we are going to fight!"
> Data flashed Worf
Crow: [Worf] Nice "user interface" there, Data.
> a very confuzed look.
> "Mister Worf, put the transmision through."
> The screen flicked alive.
Mike: Great. The plot's lapped itself.
Tom: No, they just went back in time, like I said.
> A very surprised Sero was looking
>at them.
Tom: [Sero] I can't believe it! I'm back to being Sero!
> "Captain Picard ", he said," I thought you would be long gone
>by now."
> "As you can see, we are still here.
All: And you are still here.
> The situation has
>changed. We are prepaired to help in the resistance."
Tom: We are willing to die for Ohm's Law.
> "Help is always welcome.
Mike: Advice is usually tolerated.
> We will open the hanger doors to
>alow you to enter."
> "Thank you."
Crow: They park in their garage, and suddenly they're heroes?
> Data turned to face Picard. "Sir, may I ask-"
> "No, Mister Data! No may not ask!
Crow: Me captain! Me say orders! You no question!
Mike: We return to Tarzan Playhouse after these messages.
> This is NOT a discussion."
> Picard got up, walked slowly to the turbolift. In a soft
>voice he made his last statment for the day.
Mike: This concludes our broadcast day.
> "Mister Data you
>have the bridge. I'll...",
Tom: Cover the waterfront.
> he braced himself up with his hand,
>"I'll be in my quarters."
> "Aye, sir ", said Data not wanting to press the conversation.
Crow: Just to starch it.
> Picard leaned and half fell into the turbolift.
Mike: Captain Hazelwood has left the bridge.
> Data moved to
>the captain's chair. Re-opening communications he addressed the
>starbase.
Tom: [Data, CB] Hey there Spock Jock, this is the Big Mama. We've
been rolling double nickels.
> "Sero, we are ready to dock."
Crow: What's up, dock?
Mike and Tom: Boooo!
>
> Data and Geordi stood in engeneering.
Tom: Finally, an action sequence.
Mike: I don't think...
> The hum of the warp
>reactor and engines drowing
Crow: Look out! It's dark elvish engines!
> out their low voices.
All: [low] Rhubarb, rhubarb, mutiny rhubarb.
> They keeped to
>themselves,
Tom: Somebody needs to have a long talk with Demetrius about
irregular verbs.
> not talking when people walked by.
> "Are you sure Data?"
Crow: [Data] I'm confident, dry, and secure!
> "I am. The captain is being himself.
Tom: [Geordi] Thank goodness. I was afraid he was being Carol
Channing.
Mike: Hey!
> If he continues I
>believe it will cause great harm to the ship and crew."
Crow: His obsession with the great white whale will be the
downfall of us all!
> "So what are you saying? That we should take command?"
Tom: Ding ding ding!
Mike: We have a winner!
> "I am saying that he should be prevented from making any rash
>desisions that would place the ship in jepordy."
Crow: I'll take Bad Star Trek Fanfics for two hundred, Alex.
> "If he is removed from command that puts you in charge."
All: [suavely] I know.
Tom: Now wait, that puts who in charge? Data or Geordi? Can we get
some attributation of lines here?
> "I am well aware of that. However I see no other choices open
>at this point."
> "Do what you think must be done Data."
Mike: Later...
Tom: [Geordi] Data! What are you doing on the holodeck with a
simulation of David Jones and Dante Alighieri?
Crow: [Data] I thought that something must be done about the
decline of the narrative poem as a modern art form.
>
> Picard sat on his bed. One leg on the floor the other propped
>up.
Mike: Talk about awkward.
Crow: The position or the sentence structure?
Mike: Both.
> His arm covered his forehead as he stared at the ceiling.
Tom: He's Pretzelboy!
> He
>said nothing, barely breathing. Then there was the familiar call
>at the door.
Crow: Amway!
> "Come."
> Picard sat up, fixed his outfit, and tried to look serios.
Mike: Serios: the serious 'o'--[Crow jabs him]--ouch! What was
that for?
> "Hope I'm not intruding." It was Troi.
> "No not at all ",said Picard.
Tom: [Picard] In fact, you're protruding.
> Great, he thought, just what I
>need a shrink.
Crow: Then you're in luck because it's--oh.
> "I feel that you may be taking things a little hard. You
>don't seem youself."
Tom: [Picard] That's funny, because Data just says I was.
> "Is that what your telepathic powers tell you, counseler?
Crow: [Troi] Come on, you know I haven't used my powers since the
fourth season.
>That I'm taking things a little hard? In the past few days I have
>lost nearly 1000 people,
Mike: I can understand losing one or two people, but misplacing
1000 strikes me as severe negligence.
Tom: Maybe Picard's the one who lost all those babies.
> half my ship, my first officer. The
>Federation is GONE!
Crow: It's out of the ballpark!
> I've been out gunned, out maned, and out
>equiped by a new race trying to kill me!
Mike: No one's trying to kill you.
Tom: Then why are they shooting at me?
Mike: They're shooting at everyone. They're trying to kill
everyone.
Tom: And what difference does that make?
> AND YOU TELL ME I'M
>TAKING IT A LITTLE HARD!!?"
Crow: Aaah! He's snapped!
> Picard colapsess from exastion. He falls face fist
Crow: That's got to hurt.
> onto the
>bed. Then after shaking it off stands again. A little more
>rational.
Tom: A little more fragments.
> "My appoligies, counseler. I did not want to take it out on
>you."
Mike: [Picard] I wanted to take it out on Wesley, but he's not in
this fanfic.
> "Maybe you should just get some rest.
Tom: A good nap usually fixes deep psychological traumas.
> I'll check back in a
>few hours."
> "Thank you counseler."
> Troi exits.
Crow: [Snaggletooth] Stage left. Heavens to Murgatroid, already.
> Picard very quickly returns to his bed. He falls
>such that it could be heard in the hall.
Mike: Like a ton of bricks; the poor, drunken bastard.
> A conserned Troi hurries
>down the hall.
Tom: Skipping gaily.
>
> Data sat in his quarters.
Crow: [Data] I like to strip down and roll around in my pocket
change.
> If he had emotions he would of
>hated
Tom: "The Five Mrs. Buchanans."
> what he now had to do. He thought a little more
Mike: There. That's enough.
> and tapped
>the intercom.
Crow: Mrs. Simons, send in the Bradford file.
> "Geordi, Troi, Worf, and Doctor Crusher, please
Mike: Please me.
> meet me in
>the captain's ready-room."
> He relised the intercom.
Tom: Relished?
Crow: Realized?
Mike: None of them really make any sense.
> Then almost as an after thought he
>activated the computer.
Crow: [Data] I'm gonna play Marathon.
> "Computer. Where is captain Picard?"
> "The captain is in his quarters." replied the synthetic
>voice.
All: [applaud]
Tom: You just don't find acting like that any more.
> "Good. Seal off the room and fill it with Nitrous Oxide
Mike: Data goes subversive on the Wackiest Ship in Star Fleet!
Tom: How did Data override every security protocol surrounding the
captain's room?
>
> Data walked out the door. He continued down the hall at a
>quickened pace and arrived shortly at the meeting room.
Mike: [Data] I didn't arrive.
Crow: And don't call--wait, that's not right.
> He steped
>in. The others had already made it there and were waiting for him
>to arrive.
Crow: [Geordi] Do you think Data will come?
Tom: [Worf] Yes. I am sure of it.
> Geordi and Worf sat across from each other at the far
>end of the table.
Mike: Staring deeply into each other's eyes.
> Doctor Crusher sat across from Troi nearer the
>head of the table. Data being the acting captain
Tom: [Data] Watch me emote!
> took the head of
>the table. With calm compossure he began.
Crow: We're all gonna die! We're all gonna die! Waaaaaa!
> "I am sure you know why we are here?" He asked not expecting
>a responce," The Captain is not being himself.
Tom: [Data] He was trying to mount a production of "Fiddler on the
Roof" using chin puppets.
> I therefore sugest
>that we relieve him until such time as he is fit to return to
>command."
> "I do not agree.
Crow: There. I've said it and I'm proud. I'd say it again if I had
to.
> I feel no reason to remove the Captain."
>said Worf, not at all happy with the idea.
> "But you saw him, Worf", said Geordi," He is not acting
Mike: Neither is anyone else.
Tom: Zing!
>normal. He's come close to loosing it all to gether."
> "Commander LaForge is right to some degree.
Mike: D.D.?
Crow: M.A.?
Tom: Ph.D.?
> The strain of the
>past few days has pushed the Captain almost to the breaking
>point.
Tom: 100% pure adrenaline!
Mike: That's "Point Break."
Tom: Whatever.
> The death of Riker and the crew may have done considerable
>dammage to him."
Tom: Wasn't none too good for Riker, either.
> "Than you agree with me, counseler?"
> "Yes, Data I do."
Mike: I now pronounce you android and wife. You may kiss the
Betazoid.
> "Where is the Captain now?" asked Crusher, who had been quiet
>up till now.
Crow: Who hadn't been in the fanfic up till now.
> "He is in his room. I have sealed it off and filled it with
>an anestitizing gas.
Tom: [Data] Then, on a whim, I removed his molars.
> I did not want him to hurt himself or the
>crew by his irrational actions."
Mike: He kept talking about a full contact reading of "A Christmas
Carol." Sad, really.
> "Well", said Geordi," Sence you're in command, what is it
>that you think we should do?"
Tom: Shadow puppets!
> "I believe it is in the best intrest of the the ship and crew
>that we attempet to
Mike: Run for our pitiful lives.
> return to our own time."
Mike: Same difference.
[Continued in part 6]