MSTed: Contra Cabal; Manos review Part 1/4

[Joseph Nebus]

[ Love theme for the freshman class by tu...@rpi.edu]

In the not too distant future,
Just north of Albany,
There is a little school,
On the lookout for you and me.

It's Renss'laer Poly-technic Ins-ti-tute,
Run by one Pipes in a pin-stripe suit.
He did a good job cleaning out the place,
Then he took the student's money and he shot it into space.
(where'd.... it..... go...!?!?)

"We'll give them cheesy courses,
The WORST we can find (la-la-la),
We'll make them have to take them all,
And we'll monitor their minds (la-la-la)."

Now keep in mind we can't control,
Where computers are free or when (la-la-la),
Because Pipes used those special funds,
To make his Tute-screw friends.

(WWWZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!!!)
(core-course roll-call...)

Chem-Mat (what the...)
LITEC (time consumer...)
Eng. Thermo (gimme candy!!!!!)
COOOOOOOLLLD! (that's one "O"!)

If you wonder how we eat and live,
and other finance facts (la-la-la),
Just repeat to yourself "I'm just Tute-screwed,
I should really just relax...

for Rensselaer Polytechnic Two Thousand!"
(twang-g-g-g)

[ 6.. 5.. 4.. 3.. 2.. 1.. ]

[ INT SOL. TOM, MIKE, and CROW are watching a planet on the Hex Field
View Screen. Several beats pass. ]

MIKE: [ Turning, suddenly noticing audience ] Oh, hi everyone. I'm
Mike Nelson, this the Satellite of Love. We're orbiting above
an unknown planet right now, but we have tuned in to their local
version of NASA TV and we're just watching video footage of their
latest space launch.

TOM: That's right, Mike. Even though we've spent years trapped in
orbit of various planets, it's emotionally incredibly powerful to
just sit and watch the view from some other spaceship's payload
bay.

CROW: The quiet, eternal, unflinching romance that is space. Even as we
sit here...

MIKE: In orbit about that planet.

CROW: There's a small group of astronauts in another spaceship...

MIKE: In orbit about that same planet.

CROW: And we can see the wonderful images of our fellow star travellers'
voyage of exploration.

TOM: Perhaps the only true irony of life is that such infinite
beauty exists, yet we mortal beings can appreciate it only
rarely, and so fleetingly.

MIKE: Yeah.

VOICE: You are watching Space Broadcast Television orbital views from
the twenty-second orbit of the Orion VI-A mission, completed
successfully two years ago. In thirty minutes Space Broadcast
Television will begin transmission of the thirty-minute history
file and mission highlights of this flight.

TOM: What?

CROW: This is a *rerun*?

MIKE: Aw, man, what a gyp.

TOM: Yeah, turn it off.

[ HFVS closes ]

CROW: Let's watch the Prevue Channel or something.

[ COMMERCIAL SIGN flashes ]

MIKE: We'll be right back.

[ BREAK ]

[ INT SOL. MIKE, CROW, TOM are listening to peculiar "whale-song"
noises, as in opening of Star Trek IV. Several sections of it
pass. ]

MIKE: What do you make of it?

CROW: [ Looking into the pad-with-lights thing ] It appears to be
Chris Elliot, Captain. From an intelligence unknown to us.

TOM: It is not, you doofus.

CROW: Yeah, but that's fun to say.

TOM: Hm..."It appears to be Chris Elliot, Captain. From an
intelligence unknown to us." You're right.

MIKE: Guys, come on, what is it?

TOM: Aw, it's just Mrs. Forrester, with Bobo and the Brain Observer
guy.

MIKE: Ah. Should've known. Yes, Mrs. Forrester?


[ INT VAN OF EVIL. PEARL is in front; OBSERVER and DR. BOBO in back seat. ]

BOBO: [ After OBSERVER punches him in the shoulder. ] Ow.

PEARL: Hi, boys. Been a slow week here. You?

OBSERVER: [ After BOBO punches him in the shoulder. ] Ow.

[ INT SOL. ]

MIKE: Well, Tom and Crow developed a variable-step fourth-order
Runge-Kutta numerical integration engine so we could better predict
the results of orbital perturb--

[ INT VAN. ]

BOBO: [ After OBSERVER punches him in the shoulder. ] Ow.

PEARL: That's nice. Like I said, slow week here. Have you heard of
Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute?

OBSERVER: [ After BOBO punches him in the shoulder. ] Ow.

PEARL: It's this engineering school that was just outside Albany, New
York. Anyway. Got a pair of rants about some secret cabal
operating out of there or whatever.

BOBO: [ After OBSERVER punches him in the shoulder. ] Ow.

PEARL: Oh, and just to spread the pain around, do you remember this
movie my idiot son sent you, "Manos: The Hands Of Fate?"

[ INT SOL. ]

TOM, CROW: [ Start screaming. ]

MIKE: Uh...no.


[ INT VAN. ]

OBSERVER: [ After BOBO punches him in the shoulder. ] Ow.

PEARL: Oh. Well, we've got this short little review of that nightmare.
Enjoy, fear, dread, whatever. Bye-bye.

BOBO: [ After OBSERVER punches him in the shoulder. ] Ow.

[ INT SOL. ]

TOM, CROW: [ Still screaming. ]

MIKE: C'mon, guys, would you relax...

[ MOVIE SIGN ]

MIKE: Okay, now we can panic. AAAAAAUGH!

[ 1.. 2.. 3.. 4.. 5.. 6.. ]

>"MADE IN EL PASO" MOVIE

TOM: 'Cause when you think movies, you think "Texas."

>OPENS IN CAPRI

MIKE: They opened in a fruit drink?

>--By Barbra Funkhouser, El Paso Times

CROW: [ As Don Pardo ] Live and direct from the House of
Funk, it's Barbra!
MIKE, TOM: YAAAAY!

> "Manos,

CROW, TOM: AAAUGH!

> the Hands of Fate,"

MIKE: C'mon, it's only a movie.

> a movie produced in El Paso with an
>El Paso cast and by El Paso residents,

TOM: Caused everyone in El Paso to be so embarassed they changed the
name of the town to "Guelph, Ontario."

> opened Tuesday night in the
>Capri Theatre.

CROW: Well, in the bathroom of the Capri theater. It was all they
could get.

> Because of these aspects, it is interesting.

TOM: Mmmm...no it's not.

> Otherwise, this film, described as a horror-thriller-shocking-
>beyond-belief

MIKE: Ooh, a five-adjective pileup.

> could have been, with some changes, a comedy. The
>audience,

TOM: The poor souls.

> rather than being gripped with tension, ultimately laughed.
> This is a cruel reward for

MIKE: Wile E. Coyote, but he earned it.

> those who have made this film and who

TOM: Must be stopped before they film again.

>sat in the audience for the premire showing.

MIKE: They'd have gotten a warmer reaction if they'd asked before
sitting in people's laps.

> They worked hard on this
>movie

CROW: We worked harder to sit through it.

> and at moments, it was truly professional.

TOM: It was?
CROW: Well, it did have reasonably professional-looking credits.
TOM: All right, I'll grant the credits.

> They are sincere in
>their hopes for a new

CROW: Weapon for mass destruction.

> industry for El Paso and they have recieved
>professional encouragement.

MIKE: Uh, guys, Nichelle Nichols didn't *really* autograph that
photo that Star Trek sent you.

> As to the plot,

TOM: We chewed a limb off to escape the bear trap before we could
start to understand the plot.

> the film's producers have asked that it not be
>discussed

CROW: Without explicit permission from one's psychologist.

> at any length but briefly.. it involves a vacationing young
>couple and their child who take a wrong turn and

TOM: Walk right into a chain link fence, trapping their noses.

> rather than arriving
>at some lodge, ended up in this world of horror ruled by the master.

MIKE: Rupert Murdoch?

> Perhaps the most surprising aspect of the production is that

CROW: The images did not cause the film to explode while in
production.

> Hal
>Warren, who wrote, directed and produced and starred in the movie,

MIKE: Ah, a graduate of the Ed Wood Film School.
TOM: No, Mike...Ed Wood is like Tim Burton compared to this.
MIKE: No way.
CROW: Mike. Trust us.

>wrote for himself the worst part in the movie.

TOM: Now *that*'s an insult.

> Warren's lines are unbelieveably hollow,

CROW: As opposed to someone else's lines?

> and in his role,
>creates early doubt as to the plot

MIKE: To destabilize the Federal Reserve.

> by taking his wife and young child

CROW: He would've taken his 83-year-old child, but she had a
much better agent.

>into a broken down house in the boon-docks

MIKE: The boondocks of western Texas. Think about how pathetic that
must be.

> guarded by a crippled,
>obviously demented old man,

TOM: Aw, Roone Arledge isn't *that* badly off.

> to spend the night.
> To turn the tables,

MIKE: With your host, Wink Martindale.

> there is one truly great performance in this
>production

TOM, CROW: What?

> and it is by the late John Reynolds.

MIKE: Inventor of "Wrap."

> Reynolds played the
>role of this crippled old man, the weird keeper,

CROW: I think he's talking about Torgo.
TOM: I get that impression too.

> and he was
>excellent.

TOM: Oh, sure, I can see where...WHAT?

> His performance in this film compares well with

CROW: Previous creepy guys with big knees in films.

> any
>professional actor in any serious role in any movie.

TOM: Except for those that have been released in the real world.

> It is a fine
>role,

MIKE: More of a mediocre muffin, actually.

> played most convincingly.
> Diane Rystad,

TOM: Isn't she the person playing Lily Tomlin on "Murphy Brown" now?

> who played the wife, was less convincing,

CROW: Barbra's hoping for a Pulitzer Prize in tact, I think.

> while
>little Jackie Neyman, as their small daughter,

TOM: Jackie was actually 45 years old at the time they made the
movie.
CROW: Oh, well then they did a very good makeup job on her.
TOM: Him, actually.
CROW: Wow!

> was exceptionally
>good. Tom Neyman, as the horror master, was satisfactory

MIKE: But the Cryptkeeper has better special effects.

> in looking
>and acting the part.
> The comic relief written into this movie script was apparently

TOM: Lost in a tragic train wreck before filming.

> to
>be provided by the young couple caught smooching

MIKE: Can you imagine being arrested on a count of first-degree
smooching?
TOM: Think of how it'd look on the newspaper's "Police Blotter"
column.

> in the boon-docks by
>the deputy sheriffs.

MIKE: They were originally going to put the boondocks at the edge of
town, but the city planners found the sheriffs were a better
location.

> It was this because after Sam Jenkins

CROW: Oh, the man who discovered Cake and Steak!
MIKE: No, that was Sam Perkins.

> ran the
>couple off once, the audience

TOM: Stormed the projection booth and demanded justice.

> whistled and clapped ala cowboy
>shoot-em-ups, in the repeat incidents.

CROW: Oooh, a repeat smoocher, eh?

> One of the unusual scenes in the film is

TOM: *One*?

> the master's harem of
>women scantilly attired in

CROW: Their dirty things.
MIKE: Crow...
TOM: He's not kidding, Mike.

> underclothing and filmy negligees
>wrestling

MIKE: Ah.

> in the sand between the mesquite bushes.

MIKE: Mesquite wrestling?
CROW: It's much tastier than charcoal wrestling.

> It was a dandy
>fight.

TOM: Ali was leading in the first round, but the scantily-dressed
women made a comeback in the later portions. It was tight all the
way, still.

> All characters suffered at times from the lack of

CROW: Well, the lack of everything.

> synchronization
>of lip movements with the sound which was dubbed in after the movie
>was completed.

TOM: You have to suspect they did lose the script and everyone involved
just kind of guessed at what they were doing, really.

> While the musical soundtrack is excellent,

CROW: Almost as good as the theme music to '60 Minutes,' in fact.

> done by Robert Smith
>and Russ Huddleston,

MIKE: Remember those names. They'll be on the quiz.

> it does not always make up for the lack of sound
>effects at certain times during the action.

CROW: Nor for the lack of action at certain times during the sound.

> When a man is hit over
>the head and falls to the floor, the audience has come to expect a
>"thud."

MIKE: Oh, hey guys, Barbra dropped off and now Walt Kelly is writing
this essay!
TOM: Cool!
CROW: All right!

> The photography, and it is in color, was satisfactory when

TOM: We hid in the popcorn machine for forty minutes until the movie
people found us and dragged us back in.

> there
>was proper lighting which was most of the times.

CROW: I'm sorry, I don't think you can give partial credit for
'lighting.'
MIKE: Aw, I was hoping for it.

> The opening scenes
>take on Scentc Drive and showing El Paso are excellent,

TOM: Using the loosest possible definition of the word 'excellent.'

> otherwise the
>film was shot

TOM, CROW: We wish!

> in the Lower Valley where lush fields meet the mesa.

MIKE: And the movers meet the shakers, the gooses meet the ganders,
and the Smurfs fans meet the Snorks fans!
CROW: Their collision released particles whose tracks indicate the
existence of the much-theorized 'u' quark.
TOM: Aw, it's just another one of those topographical pick-up
joints.

> For the first movie of a new company, it has merit.

CROW: Mmmm...no, it doesn't.

> The
>producers have announced that

TOM: They're all marrying each other.

> negotiations are under way to produce
>four more

TOM, CROW: AAAAAAAUGH!
MIKE: Relax, guys. The 'negotiations' probably meant that they still
knew someone who didn't throw them out of their office, but
wouldn't give them any money or a camera.

> so this lends authenticity to their endevaors.

CROW: In much the same way the National Transportation and Safety
Board lends 'authenticity' to an aviation disaster.

> With
>technical refinements,

TOM: Would a tripod actually count as a 'technical refinement'?

> a tighter plot

CROW: Like the airtight story of the "Galactica 1980" premier.

> and consistent strength in
>dialogue,

TOM: Written by a See-N-Say this time, perhaps.

> they can succeed.

CROW: But probably won't.

[ Screen blanks momentarily. ]

>Contra Cabal 6(1):
>Introducing Nemesis:

MIKE: The fourth movie in the 'Colossus: The Forbin Project' series.

>The Resurgence of

TOM: Unsightly pimples.

>Contra Cabal
>
>----------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>Racketeering and Discrimination

CROW: Segregated tennis clubs?

>at Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute

MIKE: Motto: 'We don't know how to spell our name either.'

>
>Five decades ago I began

CROW: Eating the biggest chocolate fudge sundae you've ever seen!

> a career in journalism and publishing as a Fleet
>Streeter(1)

TOM: Fleet Streeter. Feet Sleeter. Feed Seeter. Meat Sleeder. Fleet Meetser.
MIKE: Stop.
TOM: Sleet Freeter.

> contemporary of George Orwell.

CROW: Or, as we called him, "Mommy."

> He had reached the pinnacle of
>his journalistic career and

MIKE: Was about to begin his career as a Queens grocery store owner.

> I had just started mine so I never had the
>privilege of meeting him. Unfortunately, he died in

MIKE: The exact same way Chuckles the Clown died.

> 1950 at the age of
>forty-seven.

TOM: Making this information completely irrelevant to whatever point I'm
trying to make. Sorry about that.

> In my opinion,

MIKE: Interleague baseball games really are evil.

> no literary figure of the twentieth century has
>had such a visible and cleansing influence

CROW: I didn't know Mr. Clean wrote novels.
MIKE: It's just a side business.

> and astuteness of mind as

TOM: R.L. Stine.

>Orwell.(2) However, Orwell

MIKE: Or, as I called him when we didn't meet, 'Dilbertha.'

> for all his wisdom, could not foresee

CROW: Peanut butter *and* jelly in one easy-to-spread jar!

> the
>technological advances that now exist forty-six years after his death.
>Neither could he

MIKE: Tie his own tie.

> prophesy the despotic behavior of

TOM: Angelica Pickles, on "Rugrats."
MIKE: She is an adorable little fascist, though, isn't she?

> those who now try to
>control the media.

CROW: 'Cause when you think Peter Jennings, you think 'Them Canadian
Tyrants.'

> Today, the threat to intellectual liberty comes from
>academicians, the apologists

CROW: Oh, I'm sorry.
TOM: I'm so sorry.
MIKE: Pardon, pardon me...

> of totalitarianism.

MIKE: I remember when I took freshman calc the TA was always going
on about how Stalin wasn't really completely evil.

> The attack upon
>intellectual liberty comes from

TOM: Devilbunnies. They're everywhere, I tell you.
CROW: Fudd.

> university administrators and technocrats.

MIKE: The Technocrats were the arch-enemines of the Insecticons,
weren't they?

>Both groups negatively influence the survival of academic freedom.
>
>I have initiated many technological changes and suffered many negative
>influences from inept and despotic university officials.

TOM: Inept I can believe, but despotic?
MIKE: Maybe if it was Rutgers University instead...

> I write now as a

MIKE: Secret agent. Yeah, that's it, I'm a secret agent!

>journalist, a communications specialist,

CROW: Aw, that just means he can use a fax machine.

> and an academician. Fortunately,

TOM: I'm now well enough that they let me hold scissors again.

>after many months of investigation and deliberation, the American Civil
>Liberties Union of Washington Legal Committee has

CROW: Laughed in my face.

> now authorized a lawsuit
>in my behalf against the

MIKE: New York Mets. I don't know why, but they said that's the best
they could do.

> University of Washington. Seven other organizations

TOM: And my mom.

>at the international level have shown an interest in filing amici curiae.(3)

TOM: Isn't that a spice?
MIKE: Yeah, you need it for really good French toast.

>My case against Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute for

CROW: The performance of last year's hockey team.

> academic racketeering
>and discrimination now receives the attention of the Civil Rights Bureau,
>Department of Law, State of New York.

CROW: Nation of the United States.
TOM: Planet of Earth.
MIKE: Galaxy of the Milky Way.
CROW: Universe of the...uh...
TOM: Party of the first part.
MIKE: Let's get out of here.

[ 6.. 5.. 4.. 3.. 2.. 1.. ]

[ INT SOL. MIKE is talking to TOM as CROW enters; CROW carries a drawing
pad. ]

TOM: So what I wanted to know...

CROW: Hey, Mike, would you look at my new comic strip?

MIKE: Oh, sure, thanks, Crow.

[ MIKE takes the pad and looks at several pages as CROW talks. ]

CROW: I call it "Mister Chuckletrousers and Dave." It's kind of a
slice-of-life comic strip about the life and times of clay-mation
action figures.

MIKE: [ Putting the pages down ] Well, it's pretty funny. Thank you.

[ CROW looks at the pages. ]

TOM: As I was *saying*, Mike, how could Barbra Funkhouser have said
such pretty nice things about a movie that was an exploration in
sheer awfulness in thousands of directions at once?

MIKE: Well, something you have to keep in mind is that El Paso was a pretty
small city, at least compared to, say, Los Angeles or New York.

TOM: How's that?

MIKE: Okay, take Los Angeles. It's a huge city, so there's more anonymity.
The movie reviewers don't know everybody, and it's easier to be
blunt to people you don't know.

TOM: Whereas El Paso...

MIKE: Was much smaller, so people who can speak to the whole community
have to be more courteous. They have to, well, take the edge off
their comments.

[ CROW looks up ]

TOM: Ah. So if you're in a small community, you have to say nasty
things in a nicer way.

MIKE: Exactly!

CROW: And just how much *edge* were you taking off when you said my
comic strip was funny?

MIKE: I--I wasn't. I was being honest.

CROW: Or you're just pretending to be honest.

MIKE: No, I really thought--

CROW: You thought, you thought. Without the "edge" you hated my strip,
didn't you?

MIKE: I liked it!

CROW: You're going down, Nelson!

[ CROW leaps on MIKE; the two wrestle and slide down. Commercial sign
flashes. ]

TOM: Well. Looks like we'll be right back.


[ BREAK ]