MiSTed: "MIA #3: Red Dawn" 6/6

[Clo...@my-dejanews.com]

Continued from Part 5 of 6...

Tom: I hear "Batman V" is going to even worse, what with Harley Quinn
teaming up with the Scarecrow.
Crow: No way! Harley doesn't count! She was only in the cartoon!
Tom: Yuh-huh! She's gonna whup Wayne *so* bad!
Mike: I always liked Falseface.
Crow: Thank you for that pointless comment, Mike.

>If the Doctor told the
>truth, detonating the bomb strapped to this one would spread the
>virus across the planet, killing the very servants he hoped to
>dominate. But if the Doctor lied...

Crow: ...Then an entire generation of children would have their illusions
shattered.

>
>If the Doctor lied, one swift, decisive stroke would cripple all
>his enemies. He would show Ra what decisive action could do!

Mike: It would be just like affirmative action, but for aliens!

>And then HE would be Master of Mars!
>
>But he could not delay. If Ra left he Doctor's body, if
>Kohentan awoke... Decisive. He must act now.

Crow: He's waiting until the story's almost over to start acting?

>
>Senkra's finger stabbed down. The glyph clicked in.

Mike: You clicked in late, buddy. That's coming out of your bonus time.

>
>
>"Red Dawn"
>Chapter 10: "A Martyr for All Occasions"

Mike: Homestretch, fellas!

>by Jefferson Eng

Tom: Brother to Starship Land?

>
>Senkra watched Jamie come.

Mike: [Mexican coughing fit]
Crow: You're no fun anymore!

>He had monitored the conversation between the
>Doctor and Ra, and had perhaps read more into it then Ra had. This
>"Doctor"
>had spoken glibly of th efuture of Phaester Osiris, but there had been too
>many pauses, too many inconsistencies, too many rushed details. Still,
>the Doctor could not be expected to know *everything*--he was not
>Osiran, after all. Ra obviously believed him, but Senkra had doubts...

Crow: Whew! This is a long reprise.
Mike: And a badly typed one.
Tom: If Jefferson had a Mac, he could've copied and pasted this whole
thing no sweat. I bet he used DOS.

>
>And now--now what was he to believe? All his pieces were in position.
>The two
>Martians stood next to the unprotected body of Kohentan--a strike now
>could destroy him forever. Just as he had planned. Ra--what a
>miscalculation!--had
>placed himself in the body of the Doctor. If he pushedc the button now,

Crow: Is Senkra choking on his popcorn?

>Senkra
>could destroy the Doctor and knock Ra unconscious, render his great
>battleship
>without guidance. He would have to move quickly after that, but he would
>gain himself much needed time to lay his plans against Ra.

Tom: Still going...

>
>The only problem was the fourth bomb.

Mike: Yeah, "Citizens on Patrol" was pretty bad.
Crow: "The Dream Master" wasn't?

>If the Doctor told the truth, detonating
>the bomb strapped to this one would spread the virus across the planet,
>killing
>the very servants he hoped to dominate. But if the Doctor lied...

Tom: Little farther...

>
>If the Doctor lied, one swift, decisive strike would cripple all his
>enemies.
>He would show Ra what decisive action could do! And then HE would be
>master of Mars!
>
>But he could not delay. If Ra left the Doctor's body, if Kohentan awoke...
>Decisive. He must act now.

Mike: We *must* act!

>
>Senkra's finger stabbed down. The glyph clicked in.
>
>Nothing happened. Senkra tried it again.

Crow: Jeez, I'm gonna have to call the GE Helpline again. I hate
those guys...

>He did it repeatedly. It still didn't work.

Mike: [Dumb] Dur, button no worky?

>This was odd because Senkra was sure his ship was
>perfectly.

Mike: What? Built? Painted? Balanced? Help us out here, Jeff.

>He,
>after all, had his ship brought for a tune-up and and some repairs.

Crow: Where, the Intergalactic Mr Michelin?

>He made a mental note to himself as Jamie entered the ship.

Tom: [Speaking to himself] ...Fix the sink, call Roto-Rooter, and buy some
more milk.

>
>"Here's the virus that ye wanted," said Jamie as he placed the tray on the
>console.

Crow: Got any other hazardous materials you want me to cart around?

>
>"Good," said Senkra, "now remove the bomb from your person."

Mike: [Matron] I did not buy that bomb just so you could run around the
house in it, young man!

>
>***************

Tom: And keep it zipped, mister!

>
>Ra relinquished his control over the Doctor when Victoria began to regain
>consciousness.
>
>"Doctor," she moaned, "what happened?"

Mike: You got kidnapped, then possessed by a bad guy. Everything's on par.

>
>The Doctor moved over to help her up. "It's all right, Vivtoria," he assured
>her. "I wouldn't strain myself if I were you, though."

Crow: [Lecherous] Wait for...*later*.

>
>"It was horrible. That monster changed and used my body for his evil
>purposes."

Tom: What could drive me to sing back-up for Janet Jackson?

>
>"You're fine now, but worst is _far_ from over."

Crow: [Groans in pain] Oh, criminy...

>
>The Doctor moved farther down the corridor as he started to take off the
>bomb off of himself.
>
>"Where are you going?" inquired Victoria.

All: Ames!

>
>"We must move quickly to Kohentan's chamber room," the Doctor
>answered. "I just hope it isn't too late."

Mike: If we can steal his pot, Kohentan'll be driven mad waiting for the
downstairs one to open up.

>
>*************
>
>Alone and afraid, Sskrantz and Ssturn founf themselves standing at the
>feet of the body of the might Kohentan.

Tom: [Whispering] Is he dead?
Crow: [Whispering] I'm not gonna look. You look.
Tom: No way! [Whispering again] I double dog dare you to look.
Crow: Oooohh...

>
>"Ssturn," said Sskrantz, "I'm afraid."

Crow: Five bucks says he's gonna wet 'em.
Tom You're on.

>
>"I know. I can't even move any part of my body."

Mike: Which is odd, because I can usually move one part of my body.

>
>"What do we do now?"
>
>"We wait."

Tom: Alumni of the Paul Jerricho School of Acting, I believe.

>
>What they didn't see was that the body of Kohentan was beginning to stir
>from
>his sarcophagus. Unfortunately, for Sskrantz and Ssturn, it would have
>been helpful to know that.

Crow: I can see that, what with their being stuck and not able to move.

>
>**************
>
>Jamie did what he was commanded to do and took off the bomb attached
>to his
>person. He placed the bomb on the console next to the tray. Senkra
>immediate started making adjustments to the bomb.

Crow: No matter what you do, "Batman V" is gonna hurt.
Mike: Let's see..."Time delay"? 1 second. "Activate now"? Yes.

>
>Jamie was confused. "May I ask what ye're doing?" he asked Senkra.
>
>"I'm going to take matters into my own hands. I knew that I wasn't going
>to be
>ruler of the Osirans, but I can do something for my lord and master, Ra."
>
>"And what are ye going to do?"

Tom: Kill you and live in you.

>
>Senkra stopped and turned to look at Jamie. "You know," he said. "You are
>quite the inquisitive one."

Mike: [Creepy voice] Inquisitiveness is...*discouraged*...

>
>"Hey, I'm new at this stuff," replied Jamie.

Crow: [Dusky voice] Yet the brawny Highlander was a master at
playing the finely tuned woman like a violin of lust...

>
>****************
>
>Ra awoke inside of his massive battle cruiser. He quickly ordered for a
>Ka'baa
>to accompany him to planet's surface. If he was to assure the
>destruction of Kohentan, he had to be there personally.

Crow: Ground zero is always a nice place to be when you blow
something up.

>Senkra, hopefully, made the
>proper arrangements to put everything in place.
>
>***************
>
>The Doctor and Victoria ran into Kohenten's sleeping chamber at the nick
>of time. The first thing the Doctor noticed was Sskrantz and Ssturn
>paralyzed at Kohnetan's feet.

Mike: [Doctor] That is most disgusting thing I have ever seen two Martians
do!

>
>"What are you two doing?" he yelled. "We must get out of here!"

Crow: Ames is having a --
Mike: I think that's enough of the Ames jokes, fellas.
'Bots: Awwww...

>
>Sskrantz and Ssturn didn't budge an inch. It was as if they weren't
>responding to anything going on around them.

Tom: That is the traditional definition of not budging an inch.

>
>"Doctor," said Victoria. "It doesn't seem like they can hear you."
>
>"I know that. We must get them out somehow."
>
>"Doctor, look!"

Mike: Pauly Shore made another movie!

>
>It was too late. Kohentan had awakened and turned to face the Doctor.
>"Good day, Doctor," he said. "Too bad it will be your last."

Crow: Last Doctor or last day?
Tom: Don't bring Collier into this.

>
>*************
>
>Senkra made some final adjustments to the bomb and then attached it to
>the tray. He then picked up the tray and started to exit the ship.
>
>"Come," he ordered Jamie.

Crow: So soon?

>
>"Why?" asked Jamie.
>
>"Just do as you are told and all shall be well."

Mike: Now turn your head and cough.

>
>Jamie followed.

Tom: [Syrupy falsetto] Jamie's a good little doggy. Yes, you is! Yes, you is!
You is a cute little boober! Oh yes you are!

>
>*************
>
>Ra's transport had landed just as soon as Senkra and Jamie had entered
>Kohentan's ship. He bit his upper lip in disgust as he started to follow
>the two.

Tom: What is that smell?

>What was the fool Senkra doing? Ra had to know.

Crow: So he crept down the hallway, aware the murderer was still in the
house...

>
>*************
>
>"So Doctor," said Kohentan as he came menacingly closer to the Doctor. "I
>hope you like the afterlife. I hear it is very nice this time of year."

Tom: [Singing] And you know they've got a helluva band...

>
>"I don't think it's the right time for me to visit," replied the Doctor.
>"Something about my hay fever I think."
>
>"It's not nice to delay the inevitable. I will the Universe

Crow: ...To stop!

>and all will be mine."

Tom: Huh?

>
>"Not if I can help it," cried a voice from the doorway. It was Senkra with
>Jamie behind him. "You are the one that is going to die today."

Mike: Today is a so-so day to die.

>
>"Senkra, you fool," cried Kohentan, "You always were loyal to that
>legalistic idiot, Ra."

Mike: Ah yes, Ra, senior member of the Ra, Thoth, and Isis Legal Firm.

>
>"Well, that is what you believe. What _I_ believe is a different matter,"
>retorted Senkra.

Tom: There *was* a second gunman and you can't change it!

>
>Meanwhile, the Doctor and Victoria ran over to Jamie. "Jamie, are you all
>right?" asked the Doctor.
>
>"I'm fine, Doctor," replied Jamie. "But what's going on?"

Mike: [Doctor] I don't know! I haven't read the script.

>
>"I don't know, but I think it's best to get out of here," answered the
>Doctor.

Tom: What with all the strange happenings and goings-on.

>
>"No, Doctor," replied another voice from behind, "I don't think you're going
>anywhere."

Crow: Oh no! Who could this mystery person be?

>
>***************
>
>"I see you have the

Tom: ...Maple syrup and lavender stockings.

>virus with you," Kohentan said to Senkra.
>
>"I do."

Mike: [Fudd] ...With this wing, take you as my wawfuwwy wedded wabbit.

>
>"What are you going to do? Kill me with it?"
>
>"That is the idea."
>
>"HA. I am already immune to virus.

Crow: Virus is especially virulent in bar.

>You should know that. All Osirans are
>immune to outside harm. We've made that a safeguard after the first
>outbreak."
>
>"That may be true, but I added something extra that will kill everyone on
>this planet and any other life on this solar system."

Tom: It's nice to know the writers put a lot of thought into these little
twists and turns.

>
>"Ooohh. I hate to hear this."

Mike: [Child] You're so mean! I'm not gonna play with you anymore!

>
>*******************
>
>"You don't know what you're doing," said the Doctor.

Crow: Grapes and marshmellows are not meant to roast together!

>"We have to get out of here."
>
>"But I do know what I'm doing," said Ra. "I am creating the end of the
>world."

Tom: [Singing] It's the end of the world and we know it...

>
>"Doctor," said Jamie, "we have to get out of here."

Crow: Didn't we already go over this?
Mike and Tom: [Singing] We gotta get out of this place/If it's the last
thing we ever do...

>
>"I wish we could, but Ra won't let us. But I may have a plan."

Mike: Man, gripping dialogue, incredible descriptions, realistic
characters, this 'fic has it all!

>
>*****************
>
>Sskrantz and Ssturn had finally come out their induced coma only to find
>Kohentan and Senkra battling wits against each.

Crow: Ah, but I still have a spy in reserve!
Tom: Damn you! All I have are foot soldiers!

>It was then they deicded
>to leave the room unnoticed. Unfortunately, Ssturn bumped into Senkra
>causing Senkra to drop the virus.

Mike: With zany comedy like that, it's a shame this was never made as an
actual televised story.

>
>**************
>
>The Doctor saw the clumsiness of Ssturn

Tom: ...Outmatched only by the zaniness of Sskrantz.

>and immediate without warning began to run.
>
>"Run!" cried the Doctor.
>
>*************
>
>A split second later, the tray crashed onto the ground. The bomb attached
>to the tray went off.
>
>"No!" cried Kohentan and Senkra.

Mike: Not that switch!

>
>Kohentan's ship blew up. Senkra's ship blew up. Mars was bathed in a
>blinding light and...

Crow: He woke up to discover it was all a dream...

>
>************
>
>The landscape was red, red and barren. From left to right, to front and
>back from slantways to criss-crossways, it was red and empty.

Mike: Anyone else feeling a bit of deja vu?
Tom: 'A bit'? It feels like this whole story has been repeating itself
over and over and over...

>There was no getting
>around it lots and lots of red with nothing else. But wait, far off, on the
>edge of the horizzon, a speck opf something non-red, something blue,
>something *rectangular?*.

Crow: Where ever you go, whatever you eat, we'll be there. Port-O-Lets,
Inc., servicing your bladder since 1845.

>
>*************
>
>Victoria was the first to regain consciousness among all the ashes.

Tom: Don't you think this is taking "Army of Darkness" to the extreme?

>
>"Doctor," she called, "Jamie, where are you?"
>
>She heard a groan and then quite a number of groans. She rummaged
>through the
>wreckage and caught a hold of a green arm. She pulled it with al her
>strength

Mike: Eww...Victoria, go put that arm back right away!
Tom: There are bodies stacked like cordwood in there!

>and with a tug Sskrantz was pulled up.
>
>"Thank you, dear Victoria," he said.
>
>"Your welcome," Victoria said.

Tom: And my good-bye.

>"Let's get the others up."

Crow: Wake up, honey, we're at Granma's.

>
>*************
>
>Sskrantz and Victoria managed to find the Doctor and Jamie alive and
>well.
>Ssturn was also alive, but with a few minor scrapes and bruises. Senkra's
>and
>Kohentan's bodies were found charred and mutilated by the explosion.
>Other
>Ka'baa bodies were to be found dead as well. Ra's body was nowhere to be
>found, though.

Tom: If all these super powerful god-types were destroyed, just how
did five mere mortals survive at ground zero?
Crow: I chalk it up to a story which demanded too much of its writers.
Mike: [Weepy] They just didn't care!

>
>"It's a shame that Senkra gave up his life like that," said Victoria.
>
>"Well, I don't think it was in vain," said the Doctor.
>
>"What are we going to do now?" inquired Sskrantz.

Crow: Kegger!
All: [Make "woo!" and lots of of other party noises.]

>
>"I suggest that Mars be rebuilt," said the Doctor.
>
>"How are we going to do that?" asked Ssturn.

Mike: Lots of wood putty.

>
>"Well, I don't know," said the Doctor. "But I'm sure you'll find out."
>
>The Doctor walked over to the TARDIS. "Well, come along, Jamie,
>Victoria," he said. "We must get going."

Crow: [Doctor] My job here is done. I've instigated revolution,
caused a major explosion, and racked up a death count to rival
Marrissa Picard's all-time high. Not bad for a Tuesday.

>
>Victoria looked up the sky once more. There was something strange in
>the sky.
>"Doctor," she said, "What happened to Ra?"
>
>"Oh, I don't know," said the Doctor. "He must have gotten away."
>
>"But how? His ship is still in the sky."

Tom: [Singing] Big ship in the sky with diamonds...

>
>The Doctor and Jamie looked up. There was Ra's ship which could have
>been mistaken for a moon.
>
>"That _must_ be Deimos," said the Doctor. "Ra's ship is the second moon
>of Mars. Ra must have forgotten it when he left in his transport."

Mike: Hoooooh, baby... [He blissfully slides down in his seat.]
Crow: The hell?
Tom: Fanboy rush.

>
>"Oh well," said the Doctor, "We must get going. Good luck, Sskrantz and
>Ssturn."
>
>"Good luck and farewell, Doctor." said Ssturn.
>
>The Doctor, Jamie, and Victoria got into the TARDIS. The TARDIS
>wheezed and
>groaned as it dematerialized into time and space.
>
>Sskrantz and Ssturn turned and walked off into the sunset.

Tom: [Singing] Happy trails to you/Until we meet again...

>
>************

Mike: Man, that was one of the most well-thought out and superbly crafted
endings I have ever had the privilege of reading! [Turns to Tom] So
how was that? Was that believable?
Tom: You're getting there, Mike. You're getting there.

>
>Off in the horizon, a mysterious figure, Sutekh, stood and watched. He
>watched
>the Doctor leave and saw the two Martians go. He grinned with pleasure
>as a thought sparked in his head. Then he laughed.

Crow: And this has what to do with the story?

>
>The end?

Tom: It better be!

>
>

Mike: [Philosophical announcer] But like all true stories, it has no
beginning or end, but --
Tom: For us, this is where we get off and empty the vomit bags.
Crow: G'night, folks!
[The three leave the theatre, cheering as they do so.]

[1...2...3...4...5...6...*]

[SOL Bridge. Our crew walks on together from stage left.]
Mike: Well, guys, what did you think?
Tom: I very much enjoyed the Holmesian double act of Sskrantz
and Ssturn.
Crow: Ha! Holmes was crap! Dicks forever!
Tom: [Angry] How can you say that, you...you...you...MCCOY LOVER!!!
Crow: Don't you dare compare me to that Scottish clown! I bet you like
"The Caves of Androzani"!
Tom: And why not? It's a well thought-out, superb piece of drama
with an excellent cast.
Crow: So what? What I say goes and I say Holmes is crap! I've been a
fan *way* longer than you, so therefore I'm right!
Tom: Heretic! You're no better than...than...than Long John Knucklenoggin
or Azzy Wazzy Two by Four!
Crow: Darn tootin'!
[Magic Voice interrupts]
Magic Voice: If you guys can save that for radw, there's a transmission
on Hexfield.
[The Hexfield spirals open to reveal a pasty looking guy with short,
brown hair wearing a plain white shirt with your typical pocket
protector.]
Mike: [Relieved the 'Bots have stopped] Hi there! What's your name? Are
you a fan come to berate and abuse us for mocking all things "Who"?
Guy: [Surprisingly loud voice] NO! I AM THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL OSIRANS!
ALL WHO SEE ME TURN AWAY IN DEFERENCE TO MY FEARSOME VISAGE!
I AM THE GREAT, THE POWERFUL, THE IMMORTAL...OWATANASSIAM!
Mike: [Shocked] I beg your pardon?
Owatanassiam: [Enunciating] O-WAT-AN-ASS-I-AM!
Mike: Thank you for clearing that up. Excuse me.
[Mike leaves the room, his footstep echoes trailing off. The 'Bots
just look at Owatanassiam, then at each other. In the distance we can the
clanking and thumping of an airlock. It shuts again, presumably with Mike
inside.
Owatanassiam: WHAT IS THE FEEBLE ONE DOING?
Crow: I dunno, some weird human thing, I guess.
Tom: Cambot, give me Rocket Number Nine!

[View cuts to the outside. Mike drifts by, wearing a spacesuit. He's
laughing hysterically inside his helmet. He waves vaguely at Cambot, but
keeps laughing all the while.]

[SOL.]
Crow: So, is there anything we can do for you, Owat -- [Sniggers]
I mean, sir?
Owatanassiam: WHERE IS THE ONE WHO TOOK MY NAME IN VAIN?
Crow: What? You mean Mi -- [Tom nudges him sharply] Hey, watch it,
Tom! Oh, right, yeah. You're looking for a different guy. Bad hair-do,
wears glasses, big on lime green, and lives underground.
That's your man.
Owatanassiam: FOR YOUR COOPERATION, O' RED PIG AND YELLOW HATRACK,
I SHALL SPARE YOU.
[The Hexfield closes.]
Tom: Whew! That was close!
Crow: Yeah! Who woulda thought I'd be this right this much?
[A metallic banging echoes through the ship now.]
Tom: Sounds like the human wants in. Should we?
Crow: Mmm, not yet. He should be grateful, though: that other guy got
stuck out there in his BVDs.

[Deep 13. Lots of lightning effects and screaming from off-screen. The Mads
stumble on wearily.]
Dr F: Oh, my purple posterior! I knew I should have waited for the bruises
to fade before swapping back. And what have you been eating, Frank?
I feel like I've put on twenty pounds and gained a chin!
Frank: If you're going to be like that, Steve, I'm not going to loan you
my spare head for Saturday night.
Dr F: [Whiny] But you promised!
[The vault doors in the back slam open as the lights flicker. That
"Dah, dah, daaaah/da, da, daaaaaahhh" organ music plays over multiple
crashes of thunder. A shadowy figure is standing at the doorway. Dr F and
Frank spin around to face the newcomer.]
Figure: WHERE IS THE GREEN ONE? WHERE IS THE ONE WHO TOOK MY NAME
IN VAIN? WHERE IS THE WOULD-BE MOCKER OF OWATANASSIAM?
[The Mads look at each other, then down at the other's clothes. Frank
subtly pushes the button.]

\ | /
\|/
---0---
/|\
/ | \
<pssssssscht>

Dr F: [Voice-over] Oh, poopie.

[Cue the trumpet! Roll credits!]

"Red Dawn" is the collective property of: Tyler Dion, Brad Trechak,
Chris Nelson, Kris "Antiwesley" Herzog, Ian "The Moderator" McIntire,
Louise Dennis, Jeff Beuck, David Burke, Joe Mason, and Jefferson Eng. This
text was used with permission.
"Mystery Science Theater 3000" is copyright and property of Best
Brains, Inc. This is a loving, non-profit tribute and in no way to be
distributed for money.
This MiSTing is the collective property of: Tyler "The Clown" Dion
(editor and therefore the one who gets in trouble when the villagers
come a-knockin'), Kris "Antiwesley" Herzog, Greg McCambley, John
"Omega" Seavey, and Vadal.
The "<pssssssscht>" was shamelessly lifted from the group MiSTing
of "Cadet Cruise."
All other mentioned trademarks, copyrights, and registered items
are property of their respective owners. No intrusive infringement is
intended.

End!

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