MiSTied "Flight to Bespin" (2/6)

[castel...@nd.edu]

>removing the used meal containers and ration wrappings.

CROW: Taco Bell.

MIKE: Even fanfics can't escape the wrath of product placement.

>Apart from
>
>Chewbacca's rather neat and dark cabin,

FORRESTER: What, is Chewie Buffalo Bill from "Silence of the Lambs" all of
a sudden?

CROW (dimly): Now place the lotion in the basket.

> the other two
>crew quarters
>
>were full of packing cases, equipment, spare parts
>and other pieces of
>
>junk.

CROW: Blow-up dolls and Chewie's subscription to Playwookie magazine.
Hey, it gets
lonely in space.

> Leia didn't know where Han was
>sleeping and she didn't really
>
>care.

MIKE: Oh just what we need, a drewish princess.

TOM: Funny, she doesn't look drewish.

> Since they'd made good their
>escape, she'd been avoiding him.
>
>She made sure that she was
>never alone with him, either seeking out
>
>Chewbacca or Threepio if
>she was alone with him for any longer than a
>
>
few seconds.

FORRESTER: Jeeze! Why don't you just put a restraining order on the poor
guy?

> Lately
>she'd been spending more and more time by
>
>
herself in his cabin,
>the lock firmly set,

CROW: Panic attacks can be like a train coming head on at you...

> and she thought he was finally
>
>getting the idea
>that she wanted to be left alone.

FORRESTER (Garbo): I vant to be alone.

> The days had been long and empty, filled only by her
>thoughts

MIKE: Did Han take the Unibomber with him or something?

>and the brief she was preparing for presentation on her
>return to the
>
>Alliance.

TOM (German accent): It is of psycho-analysis, therefore, that I intend to
speak to you.

> And, travelling at sublight speed with the
>Falcon's hyperdrive
>
>
out of action,

MIKE: ...we are forced to listen to you whine like Luke while have a
schizophrenic argument with yourself.

> they were only just over halfway
>to Bespin. Only five days
>
>
since their miraculous and reckless
>escape, since Han had saved her life.

FORRESTER: Hey, the story just lapped itself!

CROW: I think you're right.

>Again.

TOM: By the Dark Side, Cindy admits it.

> Leia's other shoulder twitched and she adjusted her
>position so
>
>that her legs were curled up against her as she leant
>heavily against the
>
>bulkhead. She cradled a pillow in her lap.
>Although she was grateful he
>
>had saved her, it also annoyed the
>hell out of her.

MIKE (Han): Note to myself: let the little ingrate fend for herself next
time.

> It was almost as if each
>
>time he rescued her, he
>took possession of another part of her soul.

TOM: Did we just step into a Hellraiser movie all of a sudden?

MIKE (deep voice): Luke, join me or I'll tear your soul apart.

>Back in the medical
>centre on Hoth, Han had gleefully told Luke,

FORRESTER (gleeful Han): I'm gonna score with your sister!

CROW (Luke): Why you son of a...

> "That's
>
>
two you owe
>me, junior." And she owed him too. But what exactly did
>
>she
>owe him?

MIKE: $2 and a coupon for a Happy Meal.

CROW: I was thinking more on the lines of se... (Mike clamps his beak
shut.)

> And would he be expecting to collect?

CROW: (Tries to speak but Mike still holds his mouth shut.)

TOM (IRS agent): $84,000 in entertainment expenses?

> Leia hugged the pillow to her chest. What sort of a
>relationship
>
>was going on here?

FORRESTER: Well, none at the moment since you've locked him out of his own
cabin.

> She couldn't continue avoiding
>him for the rest of
>
>the journey, and she'd have to eventually face
>him when they reached
>
>Bespin's Cloud City. She'd never
>experienced such turmoil before,

CROW: What about your mom being the Singing Nun?

TOM: Or starring in "Amazon Women on the Moon"?

FORRESTER: Or being married to Paul Simon?

MIKE: Please, lets not broadside the poor girl like this.

> not
>
>during her time in the Senate,
>nor as a leader of the Rebel Alliance, and
>
>especially not with any
>relationship she'd ever had before.
> Han Solo infuriated her. He was the most selfish and
>egotistical
>
>person she had ever known.

CROW: Yeah, him rescuing you from certain death was pure self-interest on
his part.

> He was an absolute lunatic

TOM (Hannibal Lector): I'll eat her with farva beans and a sparkling cold
Fresca.

>when it came to
>
>flying, and there were times when she questioned
>his sanity.

MIKE: Oh, you should be talking since you've been fighting with yourself
since the
beginning of this story.

> He spoke
>
>without thinking, and although he displayed
>sparks of brilliance and insight,
>
>he had occasional lapses which
>made her think that he was also a bit dim-
>
>witted.

MIKE: You mean like Jim Carrey?

> All right, so he
>could speak and understand quite a few
>
>languages, but he wasn't
>that well-educated.

TOM (snobby voice): I went to Harvard.

CROW: Yeah that's nice. But can you kick my ass?

> Plus he had all the breeding
>
>and decorum of a
>womp rat. Combine this with his ill-regard for anyone
>
>besides
>himself and the way he trampled on people's feelings with
>
>carefree
>abandon.

MIKE: Oh now he's Howard Stern in her eyes.

> At times, Leia actually thought she hated him. But if
>
>

>she did hate him, why couldn't she stop thinking about him.

TOM: It's his cologne.

FORRESTER: He's a Brute man.

> And
>why did
>
>her heat beat faster whenever she saw him.

CROW: "Heat"?

TOM: Oh Cindy, please tell me that's a typo.

> When she thought about it, these emotions had vaguely
>played
>
>around the edge of her consciousness for a while now but
>they had
>
>dramatically surfaced after they had taken refuge from the
>Imperials in
>
>an asteroid field.

TOM: She must be a whip and chains kind of girl.

CROW (Leia, moaning): Oh yes Han, dominate me. Blast me out of an airlock
and tell me what a bad girl I've been.

> The ship had lurched and she had
>fallen into his lap.
>
>A smuggler's lap was definitely no place for a
>princess

ALL: (They just fidget uncomfortably at that.)

> and she had tried
>
>to rise

FORRESTER: But instead he rose. Get it?

MIKE: Oh God, I'm going to be sick.

> but he'd held her there firmly.
>Hoping perhaps that more would
>
>develop.

CROW: This is starting to sound disgusting.

> Uncharacteristically,
>she'd panicked slightly at that thought and
>
>had pleaded for him to
>let go. He'd been taken aback, perhaps a bit
>
>unsettled that he had
>frightened her and had responded defensively, as
>
>if sitting on his
>lap was her idea.
>
>

> "Don't get excited."
>

> But by then, in control of her fear, she'd parried, "Captain,
>being
>
>held by you isn't quite enough to get me excited."

CROW (Han): Would it be better if I sang some Wayne Newton?

> She'd felt the hurt and disappointment she'd caused in the
>way
>
>he'd roughly lifted her off his lap, though his tone betrayed
>none of what
>
>he was feeling. "Sorry, sweetheart." His voice
>became low, husky,

FORRESTER (deep, husky voice): The love doctor is about to speak.

>dangerous "Haven't got time for anything
>else."

ALL (muted trumpet): Wah wah waaaaahhhhhh.

> He'd leered at her
>
>suggestively as he'd departed the cockpit
>- the first time any man offered
>
>her an overtly sexual display.
>And she'd felt violated.

FORRESTER: The nineties corportate woman.

> The hair had stood
>
>up on the back of her
>neck, she'd felt chilled to her bones, and for a
>
>moment she'd
>feared for her safety.
> Then she realised he'd acted in
>
>such a way
>to punish her for not being more responsive,

FORRESTER (singing): Let's all do the masochism tango.

> for her attack on
>
>his
>virility and because he'd wanted to win this particular power play.
>And
>
>he had.

ALL: Go Han, go Han.

> This exchange had angered her so much that, despite the
>

>immediate danger of TIE bombers, fighters and Star Destroyers,

MIKE: And Pauly Shore movies.

>she'd
>
>stormed around the Falcon in a foul mood. She'd ignored
>Han, asking
>
>Chewbacca what work she could do to assist with the
>repair of the ship.

TOM: Yeah. You can get out of my way.

>As she'd welded some piece of equipment,
>she'd been aware that Han
>
>was watching her from the tech station.
>She had not been surprised when
>
>he reached around her shoulders,
>ostensibly to help her with a stubborn
>
>valve, and pressed himself
>against the full length of her body.

CROW (southern accent): Now squeal like pig. Squeeeeeal!

> She'd
>
>curbed her instinctive
>reaction to elbow him in the groin,

(MIKE and FORRESTER can be seen lifting and crossing their legs.)

CROW: (Noticing.) Poor guys.

> and had instead
>
>roughly pushed
>him away.
>
>

> "Hey, Your Worship, I'm only trying to help." Again his
>tone had
>
>denied any wrong doing on his part, and carried a hint of
>victimization.

FORRESTER: The average Republican would say that it's people like that who
stay on welfare.

TOM: Oh dark, very dark Forrester!

> But it had all be too much for Leia. First the ship wouldn't
>go
>
>into hyperdrive, then she'd had to brush up on her close combat
>skills to
>
>keep Han at bay,

TOM: What, karate?

CROW: No, Dow.

TOM: What's Dow?

CROW: Dow's the chemical company that makes mace.

TOM: Ouch!

> now the valve was stuck. She'd been
>tired, scared, fed
>
>up with his sarcasm. She was sick of fighting
>with him. Her hard exterior

MIKE: ...needed to be molted for her new exoskeleton.

>had cracked and she'd admitted to
>him, "You make things so difficult
>
>sometimes."

CROW: Such as "Love, American Style." Who's going to employ you after
that?

>
His admission that he did had surprised her. But, again not
>

>wanting to be held fully responsible for his actions,

TOM: He blamed his parents and pled insanity.

> shifting the
>blame,
>
>he had goaded her again, "You could be a little nicer,
>though."

ALL: Don't count on it.

> Perhaps
>
>seeking forgiveness for his previous behaviour
>or acknowledgment that
>
>he might still have a chance,

FORRESTER: He agreed to settle out of court.

> he'd asked,
>"C'mon. Sometimes you think
>
>I'm alright."

MIKE (Han): You want me and you know it.

> His pitiful tone had almost amused her. "Occasionally.
>Maybe.
>
>When you aren't acting like a scoundrel."

TOM: Uh-oh. Two syllable words. He may have difficulty understanding
that.

> "Scoundrel? Scoundrel?

TOM: See, see.

> I like the sound of that."
>
>
She recalled that he had taken the hand she had knocked
>against
>
>the stubborn valve, started massaging it with his warm,
>large fingers.
>
>She'd protested. He had slowly drawn her closer,
>staring deep into her
>
>soul with an intensity that overwhelmed her.
>
>

> "What are you afraid of?"

MIKE (Leia): Australians.

TOM: Hey, Cindy's going to be mad at you for that.

MIKE: Sorry, Cindy.

> "Afraid?"
>
>

> "You're trembling."

FORRESTER: That's because she's having a seizure, you idiot!

> His eyes held her captive and she saw for the first time that
>

>they were hazel flecked with gold.

ALL: Goldschlagger! Woo-hoo!

> "You like me because I'm a scoundrel. There aren't
>enough
>
>scoundrels in your life."

CROW: What about Warren Beatty?

> She'd tried to resist him,

TOM: Resistance is futile.

> tried to remember who >she was,
>who
>
>he was.

FORRESTER: To breathe.

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