Misting:Karen McCoy-A Letter (5/6)

[Cory Mccasland]

(Doctor is sitting at counter, thumbing through Doctor Who Magazine)

Doctor: Why would they junk any of my episodes? And who the heck
is John Nathan Turner?

(Gypsy enters from right, staring at him)

Doctor (noticing her): Oh, hi...Gypsy, is it? What can I do for you?

Gypsy: I don't get you.

Doctor (taken aback): Oh. Was it something I did? Is it an odor?

Gypsy: No. Well...no! I just don't get you.

Doctor: Maybe if I explain myself. Well, I'm half-human on my mother's
side,
and I travel around in a TARDIS I stole after my cousin tried to kill
me. I've
regenerated seven times, once just because of a bump to the head. And

apparently, a lot of people argue with each other which of my
incarnations was the best. Does any of that help?

Gypsy: Well, sort of. I guess what I really want to know is...what's your
name?

Doctor: Uhm, well it's...no, that isn't it. Wait, I know! No, that was
the Master's name. I know it ends in Lungbarrowmas. Let me think
about it for a while. (exits right, shaking his head in confusion)

Crow (entering from left): Did it work?

Gypsy: Nope.

Crow: Drats! And I bet Tom it was Fred.

(sirens start blaring)

Crow: THIS IS GETTING RIDICULOUS SIGN!!!

(6...5...4...3...2...*)

>> allow me to say that

Servo: If I had a conscience, I'd apologise for putting you through this.

>> I encourage you to read

Doctor: The Velveteen Rabbit befriends a Brooklyn Gorilla.

>>
the police
>>report from Atlanta regarding me and suspect.

Crow (McCoy): And please disregard any mention of Christian Slater
and Robert Downey, Jr.

>>
(I'm surprised

Doctor: Anyone is still reading this.

>>
Price
>>didn't reverse things and

Servo: Say hello instead of bye.

>> call me the suspect.

Crow: Or by your real name, The Evil One.

>>
With his actions, he
>>pretty much considered me one.)

Doctor: Someone could sneeze and she'd think they were out to
get her.

>> I think it's good to
present all the
>>facts in something like this,

Crow: Fact One-You're insane.
Doctor: Fact Two-You make people think the Unabomber might be on
the right track.
Servo: Fact Three-You have no talent, no one loves you, and you'll die
miserable and alone.

>> and I have nothing to hide,

Crow: After all we've gone through, I *really* don't care.

>>
so please,

Servo: Kill me...Kiiiillll meeeeee!

>>read what you like

Doctor: I'm fond of Chauncer and H.G. Wells, myself.

>> so you can have them all.

Crow: With this money back gaurntee! If you don't find yourself
wanting to squeeze the life out of Karen McCoy, we'll double your
money back!

>>
Although something's
>>missing from the report.

Servo: The papers that prove you caused Disney to cancel Gargoyles.

>>Ask the web terrorist hiding behind

Doctor: A little boy at a political rally.

>> this org

Crow: www.gotohell.org

>> where
the reports from
>>Wheat Ridge,

Servo: Full of good, wholesome bran!

>> Colorado are in all this. Two police bureaus were
involved

Doctor: Causing Buntz and Sipocwicz to implode when they saw
each other.

>>in this. Atlanta, Georgia and Wheat Ridge, Colorado.

Crow: She asked Officer Barbrady to help, but he was too busy
chasing cows.

>>
Since the maligned
>>victim lives in Wheat Ridge, don't you find it interesting that they

Servo: Were running through the streets screaming "Bring out yer dead!"

>>have presented the old and not-updated

Crow: Leonard Maltin's Movie Guide, which gives Doctor Who and the
Daleks two and a half stars.
Servo: Just as good as Laserblast.

>> viewpoints of
a de-assigned
>>detective

Doctor: De-assigned because he was a defective detective.

>> in the stalker's (me)

Crow: So you admit you're a stalker!
Servo: Give it up, Crow.

>> town, but not the opinions
of

Doctor: Howard Stern, Courtney Love, and John K.

>>
the Denver

Servo: Broncos.

>>or Wheat Ridge police department, specifically of a David Goracke

Crow (grunting): Uh, hm, Goracke good.

>>

>> who
>>was assigned to the case? After all, it was David Goracke

Servo: I am Goracke!!!

>>
who went to
>>web terrorist's place of employment and interrogated web terrorist,

Servo: Are you now or have you ever been a Whovian?

>>
not
>>Det. Price who is located in Atlanta. Don't you deserve to have all the

>>facts before being prompted to make a decision?

Doctor: Elvis himself could give me all the facts and I'd still hate you.

>>
Just a thought..

>>Stay in touch with this website

Servo: How do you touch cyberspace?

>> and I will soon be
posting reports from

Doctor: The mental health board on my petetion to institutionalise web
terrorist.

>>the new officer assigned to the case,

Crow: Officer Tackleberry.

A.J. Bielow,
who fosters no love
>>for web terrorist

Servo: Oh, web terrorist must be crushed.

>> and said, quote, "You're dealing with a twisted
mind"

Crow: Unquote.
Docto(McCoy): Why he was pointing at a picture of me when he said this,
I don't know.

>>to me after taking Carl Price off the case.

Servo: Yer off the case, Callahan!
Crow: What about the rights of that little web terrorist?

>> Don't you
deserve to know

Doctor: That I have little bunnies painted on my feet?

>>what Lt. Bielow, Carl Price's superior who has too high of rank

Crow: And too high of other things.

>>
to take
>>a case like this but eagerly jumped at the chance

Servo (excitedly): I know I'm on the right track now! That Richard Jewel
may have escaped my grasp, but this McCoy's got a legitimate claim!

>>
after sussing

Doctor (mumbling): Go suss yourself.

>>
things
>>out, thinks of our poor maligned poster of prompts to make decisions?

Crow (Bielow): She's nuttier than Mr. Hankey, and I'm just humouring her.

>>A.J., who told me to avoid this person and

Servo: To seek professional help.

>> stay away
from them because,
>>quote, "She's trying to turn this whole thing against you,

Doctor: And you're doing that quite well by yourself.

>>
she wants
>>contact with you, don't give her any."?

Crow: Unquote.

>> A.J.,

Servo: Hey, she keeps calling this guy by his first name. Does that mean
anything?
Crow: Yes. He should change his address as quickly as possible.

>>
who when he found out
>>about the dreyfuss comments,

Doctor: Don't bring Richard Dreyfuss into this! What has he ever done to
you?
Servo: He turned down her offer to star as the Master.

>> immediately commanded
my

Crow: My? Well, at least she isn't as bad as Ratliff.
Doctor: Ratliff? I think the CIA has a warrant for his arrest.

>>

>> to send him copies

Servo (Rob Shnieder): Karen McCoy, making copies! The psycho-meister!

>>of it, which I now have,

Crow: Well, I'd imagine so since you made the copies yourself!

>> because the Atlanta Homicide
Division

Doctor: Why is homicide handling this?

>>
>> (which
>>handles stalkers, ahem, sorry... innocent people being attacked by
Karen
>>McCoy)

Crow: And the women who love them! Next on Sally!

>> is being misquoted?? Don't you fans deserve to know

Servo (McCoy): That I'll never be taken seriously, all because of Web
Terrorist!

>>
>> the whole
>>story, instead of listening to

Doctor: Matchbox 20 for the millionth time on the radio.

>> two-month-old denials from a
company
>>Karen thought she was friends with, but wasn't?

Crow: Just like everyone else Karen thought she was friends with, but
wasn't.

>>
And instead of listening
>>to

Servo: The latest allegations against Clinton.

>> carefully selected portions of a scenario you're being deliberately

>>deceived about?

Crow (singing): You liar, you liar, you loved to be decieved...

>> Again, don't you deserve to hear all of the
facts

Doctor: Of life.

>>beforebeing

Doctor: Beforebeing? Any realtion to Stopbeing?

>> prompted to make a decision?

Servo: Jesus Christ and Anton Levay could unite to support you and I
wouldn't care!

>>The Wheat Ridge

Servo: Ridges and ridges full of wheat.

>> police report is missing.

Crow: Because web terrorist ate it.

>>
Lieutenant A.J. Bielow's
>>reasons for taking

Doctor: The cookies out of the cookie jar.

>> Carl Price off the case are missing.

Crow: How can they be missing? Did someone open his skull and
scoop them out?

>>
>> Communications
>>from Atlanta Police Internal Affairs

Servo: Starring Richard Gere and Andy Garcia.

>> are missing. Jason
Bell's e-mails
>>to the BBC are missing.

Crow: What else do you expect from the BBC? The lost half of
the Doctor's adventures!
Doctor: Maybe that's why I have the memory of a stoner.

>> And most glaringly of all,

Servo: You've never even *spoke* to the BBC!

>>
a subpoena of the
>>phone conversation between web terrorist and

Crow: Big Tony discussing rubbing out a mutual nusciance.

>>
Karen McCoy is
>> absolutely
>>missing.

Doctor: Where in the world is Karen McCoy?

>> The one with the threats,

Servo: I'll take the one with the threats and the big overbite.

>> the obscenities and
the
>> mayhem.

Crow: Oh, the mayhem!
Servo: Oh, the carnage!
Doctor: Oh, just shoot me!

>> The
>>one where I told her to leave me alone and stop e-mailing me.

Crow: Oh, that was good one! Great punchline!

>> The one
>>where she called me a

Servo: Stupid imbecilic shizznit.

>> liar and a bitch and said to "get off

>> the bullshit
>>wagon, you know you're lying"

Doctor: You might as well face it, you're already dead.

>> after I calmly and
politely told
>> her

Servo: Watch out for snakes!

>> I had
>>only a week before I considered her as a writer...

Crow: Oh, and that's supposed to make us side with you?
Fat chance, McDorkimus Maximus!

>>
my politeness
>> to her
>>is missing.

Doctor: Probably because it was never there to begin with.

>> My attempts to understand her are missing.

Servo: This is getting very metaphysical.
Doctor: *I* understand you, but do *you* understand the concept
of brevity?

>> All you're being
>>presented here is a tract full of links to old news,

Crow: Yeah, Ain't it Cool should update more.

>>
old denials
>> from a
>>small post company

Servo: Is that what Post did after Onslaught was destroyed?

>> and its employees,

Crow: And my spare pencil, and my support gunk, and my chewing
gum, and my spare pen, and my extra pen, and lead for my
retractable pencil, and my retractable pencil, and spare lead for
my retractable pencil...

>> and an
overriding,
>> explicit demand

Servo: Take of your pants and show the full monty!

>>that you turn on me

Doctor: Done and done.

>> and rally NOW, NOW, NOW,

Crow: One, two, three, four, who's stupider than Pauly Shore!

>>
to prevent
>> me from giving
>>you back your favorite TV series.

Servo: Do you really think you can change Seinfeld's mind?

>>You can obey this material,

Crow (Dalek): YOU WILL OBEY THIS MATERIAL, OR YOU WILL BE
EXTERMINATED!

>> if you like. Unlike the sole
writer of

Doctor: Babylon 5, the almighty Valen-spawn JMS .

>> the
>>dreyfuss document, I'm not out to control you.

Servo: I just want to enslave you and make you bow down
before my cats.

>>
You're serious
>> people and
>>you can do what you want.

Doctor: We'd like to leave now, if you don't mind.

>> Most of you are adults and I
trust you
>> to make

Crow: Your own gravy as I scare the-
(Doctor clamps Crow's beak)

>>your own decisions. I just think you should

Servo: Put me out my misery and save the human race from
my paranoid fantasies.

>> ask
the writer of this
>>document for the rest of the story,

Crow (Paul Harvey): And that little girl no one liked grew up to
be... Karen McCoy! And now you know...the rest of the story!

>> because even a blind
man would

Doctor: Know that I'm sane enough not to put Marilyn Manson
in the same room with Pat Robertson.

>>notice that the police report from their home town is mysteriously
>>missing here.

Crow: And to know that it's all Cigarette Smoking Man's fault!

>> And that's just the beginning.

Servo: I have plans to release even *more* letters!
(Crow and Doctor scream)

>>A.J. Bielow is working on this case,

Doctor: And obviously wondering how his career came to this.

>> and we are
indeed compiling

Crow: A new Golden Throats compilation, with Tom Baker singing
"Tubthumping".

>> one and
>>anticipating going to court,

Servo: She must really want to meet Chris Darden!

>> which I hope we will. Court
will force the
>>exposure of everything

Doctor: Finally proving I'm not to blame for cloning.

>> and place Area 9's power structure
under
>> oath,
>>with upraised hand,

Crow: Flipping her the bird.

>> in a chair,

Servo: Going commando.

>> and in front of a jury
where documents
>>to the BBC

Doctor: Asking them to get it through their thick skulls and put me
back on the air!

>> with certain Area 9 signatures under it will be seen
by all
>>assembled.

Servo (McCoy): So I can be embarassed before a selection of my peers.
Doctor: Who would her peers be?
Crow: Charles Manson, Harrison Chase, and John _-_ Winston.

>> Court will force exposure of all telephone
conversations,
>>because the FCC

Servo: Has decided to do something else besides fining Howard Stern.

>> and the FBI retain this right of subpoena
ad doces,

Servo: Beuno doces!

>> and
>>can call printed records of phone conversations into court for review,

Crow: I would like to present these sex stories from
Mr. Double as my next peice of evidence.
Doctor: Put it next to the bottles of Zanax and mark it as
exhibit E616.

>>and because web terrorist has done this across state lines

Crow: I didn't know that "doing it" across state lines could get
you arrested.

>>
>> and has now
>>threatened a convention proprietor in Chicago in an attempt to
>> suppress

Servo: HEAT's attempts to bring Hal Jordan back.

>>the truth, the FCC and the FBI are now involved in it.

Doctor: Great, now J. Edgar Hoover can declare me an enemy
of the state.
Servo: Right after he finishes his make-up.

>>
>> Court will bring witnesses like Terry Jervis and Harlan
>>Ellison,

Crow: Harlan would chew her up and spit her out, then
declare it's all Gene Roddenberry's fault.

>> whose letter from John Lotshaw of Area 9
>> clearly states

Servo: Help me! McCoy's holding me hostage and forcing
me to watch a Nick Freno marathon!

>>that he considered himself a co-producer of Doctor Who,
>> in exactly those
>>terms.

Crow: And I'm sure he'll back up your claim Issac Asimov's
ghost is writing a script.

>> Court will bring

Doctor: Is this Court a sentient entity like Saul the Church?

>> web terrorist's psychological past
>> into the
>>spotlight,

Servo: The they'll compare it to hers, and die laughing.

>> something web terrorist does not want to see
>> happen for
>>obvious reasons.

Crow: She believes in a little thing called freedom of privacy.