MiSTed: Field of Dreams, Chapter One [4/5] *NEW*
Spatch
>
> The man in the cell woke slowly. His head ached and he felt as though
> he had been run over by a train.
CROW: It's Dr. Richard Kimball!
> As his eyes began to focus, he looked
> around the cell. It was dark and dreary. On the walls there were skeletons
> hanging from past occupants.
TOM: Now, the previous owners did some renovating, they hung some skeletons up
by the wet bar for that jail look... you can take 'em down if you want
and put up drapes.
> The only thing else that looked like it was
> important was a small, frail human who huddled in the corner.
CROW: Doesn't look like much, but it's a start.
> The older man
> looked at him with concern.
> The man got up slowly and walked over to the young man.
TOM: So, what are you in here for?
MIKE: Litterin'. [ TOM inches away from MIKE ] And creatin' a public
nuisance. [ TOM scoots back in his original seat ]
> He tried to
> touch him, but the child shrank away.
CROW: Bad touch.
> "Are you going to torture me?" he
> asked in a scared, timid voice. The bald man crouched down and said, "Why
> should I torture you?"
MIKE: I'm only trying to sell you a Pontiac.
> The child turned his head. "Because you're one of them! They trick you
> into believing that you're a wonderful person and then they take you away for
> 'conditioning.'"
TOM: I get it. The bald guy's an old Barney sponge minion!
> "Who are you?"
> The child began to cry. "I'm Hans Bricher."
CROW: Here are my silver skates.
> A German? the man thought. Quietly he asked, "Where am I?"
> The child shivered. "You don't remember? You were brought here several
> days ago. You're in a concentration camp on Nirvana V."
MIKE: Okay, guys, from here on out, all Kurt Cobain jokes are forbidden.
> The cell door slammed open and several guards came in. The old man
> didn't recognize the uniforms they were wearing.
TOM: How many men do we HAVE in this cell? There's the old man, the bald man,
the huddled man, the young man...
> They each had the same gray
> uniform with black jackboots. Over two of the guards jacket pockets, they
> had what the old man thought were black crosses.
MIKE: Oh, I get it, he's in a game of Wolfenstein 3-D!
> Each of them had an eagle
> sown on their jackets
CROW: That's gotta be bad for the eagles.
> and the eagle was holding in its clutches a
MIKE: Complimentary Crazy Bread.
TOM: Wha?
> twisted
>cross.
> The guards grabbed the old man's arms and began to drag him twoards the
> cell door. The old man suddenly realized that they were Nazis,
TOM: Well, DUH!
CROW: Somebody just picked up the Clue Phone!
MIKE: Of course, who else would have spelt it "twoards"?
> but what were
> they doing in the future? he thought.
CROW: Probably the same poopy stuff they did in the past.
> He was dragged into the hall and his
> suspicions were confirmed. A flag was hanging at the end of the hall with
> the swastika on it.
TOM: They're here to hang flags, and kick butt!
ALL: And they're all out of flags!
> Prisoner Jean-Luc Picard fainted.
CROW: So? What's that got to do with anything?
>
> * * *
MIKE: I think Chris was trying to tell us that the bald man in the cell was
Picard. His way of building up suspense, I think.
TOM: I was so NOT on the edge of my seat during that scene, Mike. I think
I was on the back rest!
MIKE: Yep, there was a plethora of not suspense in that scene.
>
> A snowstorm blew over the frozen ice.
CROW: Sno-cones! Yummy!
> A man, who was sporting a beard,
> was slipping and sliding
TOM: With Long, Tall Sally!
> on the ice. Several days ago, his vehicle turned
> over and he had barely escaped with his life. He still wasn't sure if he was
> going to survive the ordeal.
MIKE: Han? Chewie? Artoo? Is anybody there?
> As he struggled along, the man tried to remember what had happened to
> him. He didn't remember why he went out in the vehicle and where he was
> supposed to be going.
CROW: It's the Packy Run from Hell!
> He tried very hard to remember, but he failed on
> several occasions.
TOM: Then, it was time for Final Jeopardy and he really blew it.
> Suddenly, he heard a roar come out of the storm.
MIKE: Hey, cool, it's a bunch of Coke-drinking polar bears!
> He knew that if he
> didn't find shelter soon, he would be either freeze to death or be eaten by
> the wild animals that lived out on the ice.
TOM: Well, that's just common sense for you.
MIKE: We were taught more than that in Cub Scouts.
> As he dragged himself further,
> the man saw a small cave jut out of the ice.
CROW: Sproinnng!!
> As he pulled himself inside,
> William T. Riker collapsed.
MIKE: But of course, Riker collapsed far, far away, in another chapter, even.
The man didn't notice.
> He didn't care about eating; he just wanted to
> sleep.
TOM: I do NOT believe this. We are NOT starting this up again!
> Out on the ice, a roar was heard but Riker didn't hear it.
CROW: Then who heard it?! Who else was there?
MIKE: Uh, that guy who crawled into the cave?
CROW: BZZT! Sorry, wrong answer! That guy _was_ Riker?
MIKE: Oh, God. I think someone needs to get Hooked On Pronouns.
>
> * * *
>
> "Aaaaauuuuuggghhhh!"
TOM: My sentiments exactly. How much more of this do we gotta read?
> The screams came from the booth at the end of the hall. The security
> officer knew that the person inside had another hour to go.
CROW (German voice): Zho, you enjoyink the Power Ranger marathon, ja?
> He enjoyed
> hearing the screams of his subjects.
MIKE: It reminded him that he was on the outside and they were on the inside.
> They didn't appreciate what the Empire
> was investing in them. They all came from conscripted planets.
TOM: Huh? Constipated planets?!
CROW: No, conjugal planets.
MIKE: Where did YOUR spellcheckers go? It's "conscripted". Meaning... uh,
I think they're planets with agents or something.
> At first,
> they didn't want to be trained to serve the ruler,
TOM: Who'd want to worship a flat piece of wood?
> but it was his job to
> make thay change their mind.
CROW: I don't wanna serve the ruler!
MIKE: That's it, young man, you are grounded!
> The last bunch of recruits were really difficult.
MIKE: Each year, the Freshman class gets harder and harder to deal with.
> They all came from a
> planet they called Betazed. What a weird name, the officer thought.
CROW: Oh, and I'm so sure they think "Slappy Googoo" is perfectly normal!
TOM: Huh?
> When the
> Empire took over, they were confronted by a unusual telepathic ability among
> the population.
MIKE: That's an "oopsie" in my book.
> The leadership back on Earth realized the importance of
> being able to sense other people's feelings.
TOM: Just think of all the blind dates that wouldn't have to end in shame!
> Another scream sounded. The agony booth, the person thought, what a
> fitting name.
CROW: And to think we were seriously considering calling it the "Happy Chair"!
> He looked twoard the chamber. The woman inside had black hair
> and was rather beautiful.
MIKE: Black hair equals beautiful.
> He checked the name on his pad. "Troi, Deanna" it
> read.
TOM: Oh, great, Chris really DOES think her first name is Troi!
> He would want to keep an eye on her throughout her service he thought.
MIKE: Yeah, help her with her "service"... heh, heh, heh.
> Troi screamed.
CROW (as Troi): NO! I did NOT star in a porn flick!
> The pain was unbearable. How could...
TOM: ... you, Doctor Forrester? HOW COULD YOU?!
> anyone live under
> the rule of the Empire? she thought.
CROW: Yeah, the Empire is so loud at night, when they roll their bottles
across the floor, and I swear they wear lead boots!
> When she tried to sense the officer's
> emotion, she felt sick.
MIKE (as Troi): Ugh, he liked me in that low-cut uniform in Season One.
> He felt pleasure and contempt seeing her being
> tortured.
CROW: Must be a relative of Dr. F, then.
> In her mind, a voice called out: *Little One?*
MIKE (as Troi): Mom?! Is that you?
TOM (as Lwaxana): Yes, dear. Why don't you telepath more often?
> Before she could respond, her mind was filled with a mental picture of a
> knife going straight through her mother's heart on the planet's surface.
CROW: Killing off Lwaxana, eh? Looks like Walck's been reading up on
"Mothers + Daughters" again.
> Deanna began to scream again and she didn't stop till well after her session
> was over.
MIKE: That's cause she found out how much her bill was.
>
> * * *
>
> The woman stood in a long passageway.
TOM: I suppose we're all going to have to use our imaginations to figure out
who this woman is.
> She was holding in one hand a
> small shield and in the other an ancient-looking sword. She had been in the
> caverns for several days trying to find a way out.
MIKE: See, what did I tell you? These MUDS take up so much of your life!
> The denizens of the
> dungeon had
TOM: Worked up a lil' dance number that wowed the socks off of everyone!
> tried to kill her on several occasions,
CROW: And succeeded every time.
> but she was rather lucky that she had
> gotten out of the fights alive. She wasn't a skilled fighter, but she would
> be one if she needed to survive.
MIKE: So, survival isn't really a pre-requisite in this dungeon, it's just
a nifty option.
> As she quietly walked down the passage, she heard something shuffle
> along the floor behind her.
TOM: Shufflin' off to Buffalo!
> She quickly spun around. A rather large and
> ugly hairy monster shuffled twoards her.
MIKE: SNUFFLEUPAGUS, NO!!!
> She struck out with her sword.
CROW: Thunder.
> The monster lost some of its hair.
TOM: It failed its 'barber' saving throw.
> The woman tried to strike it again,
CROW: Thunder.
> but the monster dodged and struck her.
CROW: Thundercats, HO!!!!!
> She felt her strength leaving her
> body.
> The hairy monster shuffled along the passageway.
MIKE (as Snuffleupagus): Bye, Bird. I gotta go home now.
> Its mission had been
> accomplished. The woman would slowly lose her strength until she was just a
> heap of bones.
TOM: You know, that's gotta be the worst way to go.
> The woman looked after the hairy creature. Beverly Crusher rested and
> then continued on her way.
CROW: For those of you playing at home, score yourself 50 marks if you guessed
Beverly Crusher was the mystery woman in this paragraph.
>
> * * *
>
> The runabout sped through space towards its destination. Up until now
> the ride had been very quiet.
TOM: Now the lights in the mirror and the siren noises caused Bashir to believe
they had been going TOO fast.
Dax and Bashir were both wondering what Data
> was going to do once they got to Guinan's planet.
CROW: He's probably gonna get out and take a Lieutenant Commander-sized
pit stop! There are no bathrooms in those durned runabouts!
> There was no way that the
MIKE: writer of this story could ever receive money for this work.
> small runabout would be able to transport the entire population of the
> Enterprise back to Federation space.
TOM: Shoulda gone Greyhound.
> Dax checked her sensors. "Data, we are approaching the system."
> Data acknowledged and the sound of the runabout quieted as they had
> switched to impulse power.
MIKE: So there.
> He ran a sensor sweep of the area. There were no
> signs of life in the system and no vessels, especially no Borg.
CROW: No eating, no drinking, no smoking, no flash photography, and
ESPECIALLY NO BORG!
> Slowly, the
> runabout went into orbit of the planet where Guinan had taken her prisoners.
MIKE: Figures and accessories not included.
> Dax spoke up from behind Data. "I'm picking up unusual sensor readings
> from the planet. It seems that there is a cloaking device guarding the
> surface. I can't penetrate it."
TOM: Well, that's because you're a ... uh, never mind.
> In the other chair, Bashir had some funny reading of his own.
> "Data,
MIKE: You gotta read this! A nun, three rabbis and a gorilla walk into
a bar...
> there's something heading this way. A starship. I believe that it's a
> Federation ship.
CROW: Or it could just be a can of soda.
TOM: Yeah, those Romulans are really sloppy people!
> It's just coming over the horizon now."
> The silver starship glided around the planet. As Data, Bashir and Dax
> watched, the ship came closer. They all recognized as a Galaxy class
> starship.
> But what they didn't understand was why was it here.
TOM: I don't understand why WE are here!!
MIKE: See, the mads conked me on the noggin...
> Data examined the
> lettering on hull. He realized that it was the Enterprise, not a copy, but
> the Enterprise that was crippled only a few days before.
TOM: Phew! I'm glad it's not a copy.
>
> Chapter IX
>
> Picard was thrown into a chair.
MIKE: You are going to sit there and you are going to think about what you
have done, young man!
> He hadn't been able to concentrate since
> he had fainted a few minutes before. He didn't believe what was happening to
> him.
CROW: He had never won anything before in his entire life!
TOM: That's right, and our next winner may be YOU.
> How did he get here? Why was he here? Who brought him here? he
> thought.
MIKE: Someone didn't pay attention to their History class in Starfleet
Academy.
> The door opened at the other end of the room. A man came in holding a
> whip and an evil looking dagger.
CROW: Zo, Doktor Jonez, you vill tell me where der Ark is, ja?
> Picard recognized the uniform from ancient
> history. The SS he thought.
TOM: Now that's a lousy name for a boat!
> He remembered that they were the most feared
> people of their time.
CROW: Next to the cast of Mama's Family.
> They were brutal and were ready to kill if they didn't
> get what they wanted.
MIKE: Temper, temper, you naughty Nazis!
> He heard the crunch of the man's boots against the floor. The whip
> snapped out at Picard and he barely was able to avoid it.
CROW: Nyah, nyah, you missed me!
> The officer walked
TOM: Lemme guess...
> twoard him.
TOM: [sighs]
> He pulled Picard up by his shirt and slapped him. "Do you know
> what happens to people who try to avoid this whip?" he yelled in Picard's
> face.
MIKE: No, but if you hum a few bars I can probably fake it.
> He slapped Picard again.
TOM: Wicked child!
> A thin line of blood trickled down his cheek.
> Picard slowly shook his head. "They get twice the amount of 'conditioning.'"
CROW: For hair so healthy, it shines!
TOM: So what? Picard's bald.
> The officer walked away. On his way out the door, he told the guards to begin
> the treatment.
MIKE: First up, the facial mudpack, then we start on the manicure...
> Picard was thrusted back into the chair. The guards strapped his neck
> and his arms to the chair. Then one of them brought a needle out.
TOM: Oh, great, this is turning into a bad Afterschool Special.
MIKE: Come on, Billy, it'll make you feel good...
> Picard tried to scream but it died in his throat as the needle was
> stuck in his arm.
CROW: His arm did the screaming for his neck.
> He felt like he was going to faint again, but he was able
> to force down the urge.
TOM: I'm trying to force down my lunch.
> The guard put down the first needle and called for help. The straps were
> taken off of him. He tried to struggle but the handle of a knife stopped his
> attempt. He was dragged out of the door the officer had come from.
MIKE: That poor guard. Strapped down like Picard, too!
TOM: Uh, no, Mike, I think Walck's been suffering from Pronoun Troubles
again.
> Beyond the door, there was an operating room.
CROW: Every well-furnished house in the neighbourhood had one.
> The guards hoisted him up
> onto the table and again strapped him down. Picard began to feel dizzy as the
> anaesthesia began to take effect.
MIKE: Count backwards from 100, and think of elephants.
> The last thing he saw was Guinan standing
> over him with a wicked knife in her hand and laughing.
TOM: Dammit, Goldberg, now you're REALLY getting on my nerves!
> He slipped into
CROW: Something sheer and sexy, yet feminine in its charms.
> oblivion.
>
> * * *
>
> The next morning was cold and blustery.
MIKE: Pooh woke up to get some hunny.
> Riker woke and wiped the sleep
> from his eyes.
TOM: Can I try to wipe the sleep from this fanfic?
> The animal noise he had heard the day before roared again,
> this time much closer.
CROW: Wait, beforehand "a roar was heard but Riker didn't hear it." Now I'm
not the world's biggest continuity fan, but I gotta draw the line
somewhere!
> Riker packed his meager belongings
TOM: Let's see... communicator pin... Rogaine... Oxy 10... "Sex Goddesses
Of Tripta-7"...
> and left the
> cave. The snowstorm had lessened since yesterday.
> Riker began heading the direction that he was walking the day before. He
> still had no idea why he was there? As he walked, Riker began to dispare as
MIKE: He couldn't spell correctly.
> the wind began to howl and his body was becoming a slab of meat.
CROW: That's all Riker is to anyone, just a slab of meat. They don't respect
him as a person, just as Commander Sex Object!
> Riker was
> brought back to the present
MIKE: By Dr. Brown in his flying Delorean!
> as the howl sounded again. Whatever was
> following him had picked up the pace.
CROW: Yum! I like salsa.
> Riker began to run twoards the horizon. The snow began to fall again and
> the ice became covered with the white snow. It was approaching noon when
> Riker began to slow down again. In the distance, he barely made out a
> pipe that was running along the ground. He rushed to pipe,
TOM: What was it he was piping?
MIKE: Determiners, perhaps.
> which took
> him over a half an hour.
> The pipe, Riker noticed, was made for oil transfer. He wondered what the
> pipe was doing out on the middle of an ice cap. Then he realized that he was
> in the wilderness of Alaska on Earth, but how did he get there?
MIKE: Everyone in this fanfic is suffering from such existentalist ignorance.
TOM: Maybe it's a metaphor for the human condition, Mike. Maybe Walck is
inferring that Riker is "Everyman", stuck, alone, in a hostile
and uncomfortable environment which he has no control over, much less
knowledge of his origins, now how he got there in the first place.
CROW: Maybe it just BITES!
TOM: Yeah, that's probably it.
> Suddenly a roar sounded and Riker turned around. A large polar bear had
> been hunting him for over a day and it had finally caught up.
CROW: Oh, how cute, it wants a Coke.
> Riker
> frantically searched through his pack, trying to find a weapon. All he could
> come up with was a small ball.
TOM: It's a backpack from the Kid's Crew!
ALL: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
> The polar bear growled and Riker began to
> believe he wouldn't see home again.
MIKE: No, home for Riker was now the gaping maw of a ravenous polar bear.
>
> * * *
>
> The transporter hummed as two humans and an android materialized on the
> Enterprise.
CROW: Glad to be of service...
> Data immdiately went towards the nearest turbolift to get to the
> bridge.
TOM: Gah. Another "towards" spelled correctly.
MIKE: Don't get too excited, Walck just might learn yet.
> The lift deposited the group on the bridge of the flagship of the
> Federation.
CROW: Hey, rip-off! Data wanted to be on the Enterprise!
> When Data began to do a complete diagnostic of the Enterprise
> systems, a message flashed up on the viewscreen.
TOM: ENTER NAME AND PASSWURD N0W D00D!
> "My dear Data," Q spoke with an obnoxious tone, "I felt that you needed
> some more help, so here it is. But your bill is adding up and you're owing me
> more and more every moment.
MIKE: Q's been taking charging lessons from America Online.
> I'll have to collect when this little adventure
> is over."
> Dax and Bashir looked at each other. Their looks on their face
CROW: Hey, wow, two bodies, one face.
> said to Data, "Why is Q helping you?" Data had no idea, except that it
> wasn't good in the end.
TOM: No idea is good idea! Heh, heh.
> "Computer:" Data spoke, "Scan the surface of the planet below us."
> A few moments past. "The planet below cannot be scanned.
MIKE: That's 'cause it's a basketball, stupid.
> There is a
> cloaking shield guarding the planet."
> Data looked at Dax and Bashir. "Computer. Source of shield."
TOM: Uh, this is just a wild guess, but the planet?
> "Unknown." The computer replied with no inflection in its voice. "This
> is quite puzzling."
CROW (with no inflection): It's worse than the scrambled numbers puzzle you
guys gave me last week.
> Data began to work and Bashir and Dax helped him search
> for a way to break through the shield.
>
> TO BE CONTINUED...
MIKE: In tomorrow's exciting installment, entitled:
>
>
> Chapter X
CROW: For such an elaborate story you'd think Chris could have written
more original chapter names.
>
> Beverly stood before a large door.
TOM (as Groucho): Which is good, because if she were behind it, she'd be
in the other room!
> Ever since the hairy thing had
> attacked her, she began to feel weaker.
MIKE: Blue valkyrie, your lifeforce is running out.
> She had realized that she had been
> injected with some sort of slow working poison. After the attack, she had
> wondered through the dungeon without meeting any more opposition.
> She hoped the door would lead the way out of the dungeon. She took
> out a key that she had found
CROW: It's made out of Plot Continuum, the neatest stuff in the universe!
It can turn into anything you need!
TOM: Yeah, but what I need is a killfile.
> and tried it in the door. She heard a click
> and door slowly opened.
MIKE: Since when was Xanth brought into this?
CROW: That's one 'O'!
> A blast of hot air hit Beverly as she tried to look
> into the next room.
TOM: No, she found the Senate, and they're debating health care reform!
ALL: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
> The whole room was virtually on fire. There was a
> small, almost miniscule, bridge that crossed the room.
> As she contemplated what to do, a low growl was heard from behind
> her.
CROW: But Riker didn't hear it.
> Crusher turned and saw the hairy thing. This is just great, she
> thought. This time she realized that she couldn't fight the thing.
TOM: And she can't stop the music either.
> If she did, the poison that was eating up her insides was going to take
> efect more quickly.
MIKE: And that would be double plus ungood.
> Beverly took a large leap of faith.
CROW: Yakkity yak, GOD'S talkin' back!
> She stepped out onto the small
> bridge that hung precariously in the room of fire. She slowly, almost to
> slowly, began to make the trek across. The hairy thing stood at the door.
MIKE (as Snuffleupagus): Hey, Bird, come back, I promise I won't step on the
kids again...
> Beverly looked at the door at the end of the bridge. A rather large
> and ugly ogre stood there with an axe in his hands. He took a giant arc and
TOM: was able to determine pi.
MIKE: That's quite an accomplishment.
> swung the sword through the bridge. A large snap was heard
CROW: We know, we know, but Riker didn't hear it.
> and the bridge
> gave way underneath her.
> Beverly tried to grab the remnants of the bridge, but it was too late.
> She screamed her son's name as fell into the firey room below...
TOM: WESLEY!!! Why can't you come and SAVE THE DAMN EPISODE AGAIN?!?!
>
> * * *
CROW: Hee hee. Beverly go down da hooooooooooole.
MIKE (singing for once): She fell down, through a burning ring of fire..
>
> Troi woke up with a very bad headache. She remembered all too well
> what she had gone through.
TOM: Nickel beer night always does this to her.
> The death of her mother still tormented her as
> she looked around where she had ended up.
CROW: So that's the first thing Troi does when she wakes up in the morning...
tries to figure out where she is!
TOM: Why, I oughta...
MIKE: Here, I'll do it for you. [thumps CROW soundly]
> It looked like a maximum security
> room that held the most dangerous prisoners in the Federation. But this
> wasn't the Federation, she reminded herself.
MIKE: No, it was Utah.
> She stood up and walked towards the door. She was hoping the field was
> off, but she didn't have any luck. The field was in full force. A guard
> stood in front of the door. This man was different from the one who watch
> her writhe in pain a few hours ago.
TOM: In fact, it was a completely different person. And this was a completely
pointless description.
> "You come around to your senses yet?" he asked in gruffy voice.
CROW (gruffy voice): You've been out riding fences for so long now.
> "I don't know why we even want your race. You're no good except for reading
> our enemy's minds."
MIKE: It's time to learn a lesson about loving our fellow races, kids.
> Troi didn't say a word. She wouldn't under any circumstances. As she
> sat in a chair in her cell another man took the guard's place. "So," he
> said,
CROW: Who? The first guard or the second guard?
TOM (exasperated): Both.
> "still not on our side.
MIKE: Well, I'm kinda locked in this cell.
> No matter." He pushed a button on a wall near
> the cell.
TOM: A buzzer sounded, and Deanna salivated.
> The cell floor slowly slid in to the walls and in it's place was...
> chocolate? Deanna couldn't believe her eyes.
CROW: All the chocolate she could eat!
> They think that chocolate is
> torture for her? she thought.
TOM: Well, it is if it's BOILING HOT!
> Deanna dropped into the vat of her favorite
> dessert.
> But something was wrong. She slowly began to sink. She tried to grab
> something nearby, but to no avail. In a few moments Deanna's head
> swallowed up be chocolate.
MIKE: Hershey's is...
CROW: Real milk chocolate, I love that Hershey Bar!
> There was nothing left in the room except for some
> very happy chocolate...
>
MIKE: Hershey's is...
TOM: Real milk chocolate, no matter where you are!
> * * *
ALL: Anytime you want delicious chocolate, there's no need to go looking
very far... for Hershey's is...
CROW: The Great American...
TOM: Great American...
MIKE: Great American...
ALL: CHOCOLATE BAR!!!
TOM: Hershey's is!
>
> Geordi woke not in a dungeon,
MIKE: Wake not in a dungeon, for ye shall have a cold hinder.
> but in his room on the Enterprise. He got
> up and looked around his room. Everything looked normal he thought. He
> walked out into the corridor. It was really quiet.
CROW: And do you know why it's quiet? Because there are NO SOUNDS TO HEAR.
> You could hear a pin
> drop, if there was such a thing around anymore.
TOM: Ask Candice Bergen, I hear she's got a monopoly on those.
> He walked down the corridor. Just like in his room, nothing seemed out
> of order.
MIKE: Except the Mortal Kombat machine in the rec room.
> The walls were the way they were supposed to be and nothing had
> changed. Then Geordi noticed something.
CROW: Hey, that wall... it's supposed to be BEIGE!
> A slight breeze began to blow. He
> realized that there was no wind on the Enterprise.
MIKE: So he looked down and realized he had no clothes on at all!
CROW: Oh, I hate it when I have those dreams!
> He followed the direction where the breeze was coming from. Suddenly a
> loud sucking noise began out of nowhere.
TOM: It's this fanfic, asserting its existence.
> Geordi looked down the corridor
> and the wall just seemed to disappeard and space appeared beyond it. Geordi
> tried to grab on to something, but he knew it was useless. Geordi was
> dragged along the floor and went out the hole into the absolute zero of
> outer space...
CROW: Hey, cool! Just like in Aliens!
>
> * * *
MIKE: Okay, guys, get ready, there's going to be another sudden scene shift.
>
> The polar bear growled and leapt at Riker.
ALL: YAAAGH!
TOM: What _that_ sudden enough for you, Nelson?
> Riker tried to jump out of
> the way, but the bear was quicker. His paws reached twoards Riker and
> caught his shoulder.
MIKE: Ha ha! Got your shoulder!
CROW: Give it back! Give it back!
> Pain seared through Riker's body. What he wouldn't
> give for a weapon, Riker thought.
TOM: Or maybe some Advil right about now.
> A long sword appeared in his hand in the next moment.
CROW: Hey, cool! Now make a quarter come out of your ear!
> Surprised, Riker
> swung the sword. The polar bear's head was cleanly cut off.
MIKE: There can be only one?! I don't think so.
> The bear
> quivered for a few moments and then died. Riker looked at the dead carcas
> for long moments.
TOM: Yep. It's dead. I killed it. With my little sword.
> As Riker was about to turn away, the bear began to burn. Riker had no
> idea what was going on.
ALL: And neither do we.
> Suddenly, the horizon turned blood red.
> "WILLIAM T. RIKER..." a voice boomed.
TOM: "...KING OF THE BRITONS..."
> "YOU ASKED FOR A WEAPON TO DEFEAT
> THE BEAR. YOU WOULD DO ANYTHING."
MIKE: Now wait a minute, he thought of what he WOULDN'T give, not what he WOULD
do. You don't demonspeak very well.
> Oh my God! Riker thought. "NOT GOD! THE DEVIL! YOU HAVE SOLD YOUR SOUL
> TO ME. COME TO ME, MY ETERNAL SLAVE."
CROW: It's Lwaxana again!!
> In front of Riker a staircase appeared going downward into the rock.
> Riker couldn't take his eyes away from it. Slowly his legs began to move
> forward even though he didn't want them to move.
MIKE (as Riker): Hey, I didn't ASK for the sword! All I did was think about
how cool it would be to have one!
> A great force slammed into
> Riker's mind, breaking any feeble blocks he had put in the way.
MIKE (as Riker again): Did we sign any FORMAL contract, legally binding us
to this agreement? Hey, I read The Devil and Daniel Webster, I know
the protocol for these proceedings, pal!
> The Devil took over Riker's mind
MIKE (as Riker, blankly): Right. I'll just walk down those stairs now.
> and Riker obediently walked down the stairs into a world of eternal
> damnation.
CROW: Whee! Eternal damnation is FUN!
>
> * * *
>
> Picard slowly woke. He wasn't back in the cell. He was resting in a
> bed. All that he could remember was that Guinan was going to operate on
> him.
MIKE: Guinan's playing the wacky doctor's game from Milton Bradley!
> He felt his head to see if there were any scars that he could find.
CROW: Owie! Yep, there's one.
> His head was as smooth as it had always been.
TOM: Hey, is that some crack against baldness or something?
> He looked around the room. It was a rather nice room. There was a
> window and the sun shone through brightly.
MIKE: Good morning, window.
CROW: Good morning, sun.
> There was a door and a chair sat
> next to the door. Picard began to look for anything suspicious.
TOM: Good morning, chair. Good morning, mush. Good morning, anything
suspicious.
> The door
> opened and in came a nurse.
CROW: Is that the old lady saying "hush"?
> Picard was expecting to see a uniform, but instead
TOM: It was a woman.
> she was wearing a
> white smock over her rather beautiful body. "How are we feeling today,
> Lieutenant?"
MIKE: "If you ask me to turn my head and cough again I'm gonna hit ya."
> Picard looked at the nurse with a quizzical look. Suddenly, he felt
> another presense in the room. "Nurse..." he tried to form a question but he
> couldn't remember what he was going to ask. Again he tried to formulate a
> response that would ask the nurse why he was here,
CROW: Let's see... "Why", "am", "I", "here?" ... works for me!
> but instead he said, "Yes,
> ma'am."
> "Good. You'll be out of here in no time." The nurse checked a chart that
> she had carried in
TOM: Yup, he's a goner.
> and closed the door as she left.
> A few moments passed. Picard still had no idea what was going on. He
> tried to recall why he was there but instead he didn't remember.
MIKE: And then his cute Dickensian children ran into the room.
BOTS: NO!!!!!!
> Instead, he
> got out of the bed and walked to the closet which was situated near the
> window. Picard hadn't noticed it before the nurse had come in.
CROW: The nurse always brings the door in the room for him.
> Inside the closet, there were several uniforms. Picard took one out and
> changed into it. He walked over to the window and looked out. Ah.
TOM (as a director): Quotation marks, quotation marks, people!
MIKE: "What?"
> My native Germany.
CROW: My Beautiful Laundrette.
> Today I have done something great, he thought.
TOM: I have finally decided to look into Rogaine.
> The door opened again and a newspaper was laid on the chair.
MIKE: Thank you, non-existent paper boy, you're humble and lovable.
> Picard
> looked out the window one more time
CROW: Yep, they're still marching up and down the square.
> before going over and picking the paper.
> The headline read:
MIKE: "Picard Implicated in Simpson Trial."
> "FDR Durch Leutenant Jean-Luc Picard Erscholossen." or
> "FDR Assassinated by Lieutenant Jean-Luc Picard."
CROW: Tune in for our next exciting episode, "I Shot The Prez", or "Nazi See,
Nazi Do!"
TOM: Hey, I think we're almost due for another short interlude, can we do
the musical number, Mike?
MIKE: Oh, I don't know...
CROW: Please? It'll be fun!
TOM: Pretty please with ramchips on top?
MIKE: All right, I don't see why not.
BOTS: YAAAAY!!!
>
> * * *
[ ALL stand up, MIKE holding TOM, and they parade to the other side of
the theater and back again. ]
ALL (singing): Let's go out to the lobby, let's go out to the lobby, let's
go out to the lobby, and have ourselves a snack! [ ALL sit back down
again. ]
>
MIKE: We've been singing an awful lot lately, guys.
TOM: Just roll with destiny, Nelson.
> "Personal Log, Dr. Julian Bashir: Stardate 46996.3.
CROW: I almost got up enough courage to ask Dax to the White Elephant sale.
> We have tried to
> break through the shield for the past three weeks. Commander Data has been
> working around the clock, but with no success.
MIKE: Maybe if you work above the clock it'll help.
> Data has decided that we
> should return to Federation space using the altered wormhole."
> The Enterprise approached the location of where the wormhole was last
> positioned. Right on schedule, the maw of the tunnel appeared and the
> Enterprise glided in.
TOM: Gotta work the glitzy special effects in any way you can!
> The energies of the wormhole propelled the ship
> through.
> A few moments passed.
CROW: So, does anyone know any good wormhole folk songs?
> Near DS9, the wormhole's maw opened and deposited the Enterprise back in
> Federation space. A call came in from DS9 requiring an explanation for what
> had happened. Bashir knew it would be a long talk.
MIKE: And it was collect.
> As he beamed onto DS9 with Dax and Data, he felt a heavy heart of who and
> what they had left behind on a ball of rock in the Delta Quadrant.
TOM: You should know better than to dump your garbage in a No Dumping Quadrant!
>
>
> To Be Continued...
MIKE: ...unless you pay me, Christopher Walck, the sum of fifty million
dollars, in unmarked bills, before we get to ...
> Chapter XI
MIKE: Too late!
>
> It was a rather sunny day as the wave crashed against the wall of solid
> rock. The young man walked along the beach.
CROW: He asked himself, "Do you ever feel, you know, not so fresh?"
> He had been told about the death
> of his mother and his friends.
TOM: And took it pretty well, if you call knocking over a 7-11 "taking it
pretty well."
> He felt rather angry that he had lost not only
> his father but now his mother.
MIKE: And his friends.
>
> Cadet Wesley Crusher sat down on a rock.
CROW: Uh oh.
TOM: Tell me when River Phoenix makes an appearance.
> His uniform was the
> normal cadet uniform that he had worn while he was at the Acadamy. But
> today,
TOM: He was wearing the frilly uniform with the polka-dots!
> he felt like he didn't want to be in Starfleet anymore.
MIKE (whining): "I don't wanna be a pilot anymore! I don't wanna work on
a spaceship! I just wanna go back home to Kansas!"
> He didn't
> want to become like his father.
CROW: Hate is a powerful tool the Empire uses... or something like that.
> He just wanted to shrivel up and die.
ALL: YAAAAAY!!!
CROW: Finally, a fanfic the whole family can enjoy!
> A soft humming began from behind Wesely.
MIKE: Moxy Fruvous warms up.
> Wesely looked back.
TOM: Wesely?
CROW: Pronounce it "Weaselly."
TOM: Oh!
> Someone
> was beaming down. He wondered who it could be.
CROW: Why, it's Mr McFeely with the mail!
TOM: Speedy Delivery!
> When the shape became solid,
> Crusher was infuriated.
MIKE (as Wesley): You look nothing like you do on TV!
> Commander Data stood before him.
> "Data!" he yelled,
TOM: You're not supposed to be in this scene! Where's Guinan?
> "where is my mother?"
> Data gave Crusher a blank look. "I need you, Wesley."
TOM: Bwomp chicka womp womp...
> "But you won't have me! You killed all of them! Why didn't you die
> instead of them?"
> "I cannot die, Wesley."
CROW: The Vampire Destat.
> After a few moments Wesley calmed down. "What is it you need from me?"
MIKE: A brain.
CROW: A heart.
TOM: The noive.
> Then Data told him everything. Wesley stared at Data and absorbed what
> he was telling him.
MIKE: I grok you, water brother.
> Then he told him what he needed of him.
ALL: A home.
> "Wesley, I need
> you to return to the planet with me. We need to save them before it is too
> late."
TOM: Picard's in the canyon?
CROW: Ruff!
TOM: On a dangerous bridge?
CROW: Ruff!
TOM: Menaced by Malcolm McDowell?
CROW: RUFF!
> Wesley looked out onto the water. "Data," he said, "I'll go."
MIKE: But only on one condition - We're home by 10 and you don't try
any funny stuff.
>
> * * *
>
> ...and woke up in a pale blue uniform.
TOM: We now enter the "Stuckey's" portion of the dream.
> Beverly remembered falling into
> the flames, but she didn't remember the feeling of pain. She just was in the
> dungeon and now she's, well, whereever she is.
CROW: Very perceptive.
> Beverly gazed around the
> room.
> She recognized as her office but she didn't remember why she had an office.
TOM: It's just one of those "perks" you get when you get a "job".
> "Dr. Crusher?" A voice called from the hall.
> A doctor, she thought. Whoever it was would be her nurse. "Yes, Nurse?"
MIKE: Doctor, there's an Anthony Edwards here to see you...
> Dr. Pulaski came in. "Well, its been a long time since you've called me
> that!"
TOM: Usually you call me Kitten!
> Beverly stared at her. She wasn't supposed to be here, Beverly thought.
CROW: I thought she fell down an empty turbolift shaft at the end of the
third season.
> She was supposed to be on the... Damn! she couldn't remember.
TOM: Don't look at us, lady, we're as confused as you are.
> "Dr. Pulaski.
> Come in."
> "Thank you. I have a question about your daughter."
> Crusher didn't remember having a daughter. A son, yes but not a
> daughter.
MIKE: There were certain things about Wesley she just didn't know about.
> "Daughter?" she stuttered.
> "Yes, Leslie.
TOM (falestto): No, I'm Beverly.
> I was wondering when she was leaving for the Acadamy."
> Leslie? she thought.
CROW: You must be thinking of the other Doctor Crusher.
> To Doctor Pulaski, she said, "Soon.
TOM (falsetto): Phew, that was a close call!
> Why do you ask?"
> "Oh no reason. Just wondering."
MIKE: Cause the little harlot owes me five buck - er, no reason.
> Dr. Pulaski got up and left Dr. Crusher in stunned silence.
>
> * * *
CROW: And then, the asterisks hit her.
>
> Riker continued to walk the stairs to hell.
TOM: I don't know about you, but that sentence was probably the best
sentence we'll ever read in a Star Trek fanfic!
> As he got closer, the heat
> climbed exponentilly.
CROW: Expo-WHAT?!
> Riker's mind still was a blank, unable to fight the
> powerful mind that had taken over.
MIKE: The mind of a four-year-old.
> At the bottom of the stairs, a large door
> opened and Riker walked through.
> He was swept off his feet almost immeditely.
TOM: Wow! This place looks JUST LIKE the Brady Bunch home!!
> In front of him stood
> Lucifer, the God of Sin.
CROW (as Satan): Hey there, Will! Glad you could make it! Was your trip all
right?
> Riker shakenly stood up and faced the three-headed
> creature- dragon,human, and Riker had virtually no idea who or what the third
> head was.
> "YOU SHALL LIVE OUT YOUR DAYS IN HELL AS MY SLAVE. KNEEL!!!!"
MIKE: Apparently it's the head of Judy Tenuta.
> Against Riker's will,
CROW: He sure is!
TOM: D'oh!!
> he knelt. "NOW, ENTER THE ROOM OF YOUR REWARD FOR
> CALLING TO ME!!!!!!!!!!!!"
MIKE: No! Take the box! The box!
CROW: The cash!
TOM: Shoot Monty Hall and take it all!
> Riker got up and walked in the room and Lucifer slammed the door behind
> him.
> The room was empty except for a bed. Deanna Troi was naked in the bed.
MIKE: All right...
TOM: Quick, someone take a camera so we can make nude .GIFs out of the
pictures!
> She was so beautiful. Riker began to walk towards her when a force pushed
> him back. He got back up and walked closer to her. The same force pushed
> him back again.
TOM: Damnit, Riker, it's PROcreation, not REcreation!!
> So this was to be his fate. Never make love to his Imzadi. Never...
>
> * * *
MIKE: Well, that was Sisyphusian in its futility.
CROW: No, it was Benny Hillian in its stupidity.
>
> Wesley stood again on an empty Enterprise bridge. He looked around it.
TOM: All right, now I get to run the ship!
> He remembered all that had happened when he was on board. The memories were
> almost oo much.
MIKE: Like the time he switched the synthohol and the real alcohol, and Riker
kept dropping his t's...
> Data had told him what he had to do and it wasn't going to be
> easy. A transmission was already been sent to see if his best friend had
> been able to help him in his quest.
CROW: "Hi Marissa said Wesley." Im glad you can help me out?
MIKE AND TOM: CROW!!!
> The turbolift doors opened and Data walked to where Wesely stood. "Nice
> to be back, Wesley?"
> "Yeah.
TOM: I knew one day I'd have the run of this bucket of bolts!
> But it's so empty. Have you heard anything from him?"
> "Yes. He'll meet us at the wormhole. It should take us only a few days
> at maximum warp speed."
> "Thank you, Data."
CROW: You may go back to your cardboard box now.
> Wesley spent the next few days going thorugh his mother's things in her
> quaters.
TOM: That's it! I've figured it out. Walck types with a Boston accent!
> He wondered, Is it possible that she might actually be alive? He
> found an old picture his mother and husband just after they were married.
> Wesely began to cry at the thought that he might not be able to bring them
> back and he would never see them again.
MIKE: I don't trust fanfic writers and I never will... I've never been able
to forgive them for the death of my mother!
>
> * * *
>
> Leutenant Picard stood at attention in front of Adolf Hitler.
TOM: Mein Fuehrer, I have a grail diary I'd like you to autograph...
> He felt so proud that he was chosen to take on that vital mission for the
> Reich.
CROW: When the boss wants bagels and lox, somebody's got to go get 'em!
TOM: Oh, brother...
> Hitler began by pinning several medals on him.
CROW: Ow! Ow! Ow, ow, ow, ow!
> Picard had a feeling
> of satisfaction.
CROW: After the blood clotted, sure!
> Few people had ever had medals pinned on him by what most
> Germans considered God.
TOM: You leave Jerry Lewis out of this!
MIKE: No, that's France.
> After the medals were placed on his uniform, Picard then had several
> photographers from throughout the Reich take pictures of him. Several
> newspaper men began a series of interviews of what had happened when he had
> murdered the President of the United States.
CROW: Well, I was sitting in this book depository, minding my own business,
when all of a sudden this loud motorcade comes a-rumbling my way!
> Several hours later, Picard got into a bulletproof car so that he could
> be driven to his new home.
MIKE: Remember, when you kill the President, you get a new home.
TOM: And your roommate gets a 4.0?
MIKE (looking at TOM): You sure you've been feeling all right, pal?
> Mobs of people cheered when they caught sight of
> him getting out of the car.
CROW: Yaay! Will you let us in, please?
> Picard pushed through the masses and finally
> got to his home. He opened the door, got inside and locked it.
TOM: Man, those Jehovah's Witnesses are rough.
> Outside he saw several guards protecting his property.
MIKE: ADT. We're home even when you are.
> Picard decided that it was rather late and that he should get some sleep.
> He changed and got into bed. Almost immediately he fell asleep...
CROW: BIG SURPRISE!!!
>
> * * *
TOM: Almost as big as the asterisks.
>
> The Enterprise glided into a docking ring on board DS9.
CROW: Ooh, you make it sound so good!
> Commander Sisko
> wanted to talk with Data and Wesely before they went through the wormhole
> which was showing some peculair characteristics lately.
MIKE: I'll say.
TOM (as Sisko): So, how am I doing as a commander? Do I rate up there with
Riker yet?
> Data and Wesley
> transported on board because as usual, things were malfuncitoning again.
CROW: Sure! The whole place is on the fritz, let's re-arrange your molecules
and hope we get 'em in the right place again!
> The first thing Data and Wesely heard was O'Brien
MIKE: Sleeping off his three-day bender.
> cursing that something
> else had gone wrong, again. Wesley and Data looked around the bridge. A
> Bajoran and a Trill, who Data had identified as Dax, were talking on the
> lower part of Ops. O'Brien looked over at Data, nodded, and then got back
> to work.
TOM: All we need are Odo and Quark fighting and we've completed the Deep
Space Nine atmospheric requirements.
> The Bajoran walked up the stairs to greet them. "Ah, Commander Data. A
> pleasure. My name is Kira and I'm the first officer around here.
CROW: Around here, I'm pretty much considered God.
> Commander
> Sisko is waiting for you in his office. This way, please."
MIKE: Will that be smoking or non-smoking?
> Kira led them to the other side of the bridge and through a pair of
> doors. Commander Sisko was sitting behind his desk. "Commander Data and
> Cadet Crusher. I've asked you because I need to warn you about something.
TOM: Rick Berman's gone off his rocker and wants the next movie to be shot
entirely on location on Jupiter.
> It's the wormhole."
> Wesley asked, "The wormhole? What's wrong with it?"
CROW: Lately it's been grumpy, agitated, refuses to open up for Ferengi-made
vessels...
> "You'd better sit down. After Data returned, the wormhole inhabitants
> contacted me.
TOM: You know, the little green guys who head the special effects department.
> They told me that someone had altered the configuration of the
> wormhole so that Data, Dax and Bashir could travel from and to the Gamma
> Quadrant.
MIKE: We will all lay our heads down on our desks until the person who did
it comes forward.
> They are unsure if they will still allow travel to the Delta
> Quadrant."
> There was silence in the room for a moment. Then Wesley asked, "You mean
> we might not be able to get back?"
> "Exactly, Mr. Crusher. You might not be able to get back."
TOM: Oh well, chances are chances, let the kid go and find out for himself!a
> Data then asked, "Has he arrived yet, Commander?"
MIKE: Mr. Irrelevant? Sure, he's been here with the blue puppies all along.
> Sisko looked at Data. "Yes he has. He's waiting for you in his
> quarters. I'll have Bashir bring him in."
CROW: Bashir seems to be turning into "Gopher" for DS9, isn't he?
> The doors opened and Bashir walked in with a rather gray-haired
> humanoid next to him. Wesely turned and his face beamed. "Hello." he said.
TOM: SANTA!! You really came!
> "Hello, Wesley." The Traveller replied.
MIKE: The who?!
CROW: Oh, you know who, Nelson. Ice Cube!
TOM: No, that's The Marker.
MIKE: Nuh uh! That's Richard Greico!
CROW: I thought he was on Unhappily Ever After!
TOM: No, he's on the Cartoon Network as the voice of Moxy.
CROW: Then who does the Comedy Central promos?
MIKE: Tom Selleck.
>
> To Be Continued...
TOM: After we get up out of the theater. Come on, guys... [ EVERYONE leaves ]
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
COMMERCIAL: Watch the Vacant Lot. Please? We'll be your best friend!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This post is a work of fiction, thank God. Mystery Science Theater 3000 and
its characters are property of Best Brains, Inc, which had nothing to do
with this post. This post is for entertainment purposes only, so please,
as always, NO WAGERING. This is not intended as a personal attack on Chris
Walck, the cast of Star Trek, or Whoopi Goldberg, even though "Boys on The
Side" was a chick film. Mike and the bots will be back in "Field of Death",
a Quinn-Martin production. This post is copyright (C) 1995 R. Noyes and may
not be redistributed in any way without the express written permission of
R. (phew!) Go to bed, you've suffered enough today.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Christopher Walck:
> Out on the ice, a roar was heard but Riker didn't hear it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
--
tv's Spatch, RATM's wacky next-door neighbour and father of alt.stupidity
"Yeah, but bacon tastes good." - Jim J. Bullock, "Married: With Children"
The following attractions are not in operation today:
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