MST3Kd: "Highleaper part 1 (v2)"
David G White
alt.ql.creative. It's a real stinker. Enjoy!
Joel: Welcome to the Satellite of Love. I'm Joel Robinson, and today me
and the boys are mastering the forces of the universe.
Crow: (speaking slowly) I feel it now...I am one with the wind, the water,
nature, and the sky....
Tom: All of nature revolves around me. The infinite movements of the
planets beckon to me and we are as one. Oh, rapture!
Crow: I am the raging river that runs through the wood. I am the gentle
zephyr on a warm summer day. I am the terror that quacks in the
night...
Tom: (with the reverb cranked all the way up) I AM GOD! THE FORCES OF
NATURE ARE MINE TO COMMAND AND NO-ONE ELSE'S! BOW DOWN BEFORE ME,
INSIGNIFICANT FLESHLY BEINGS! LOOK ON MY WORKS, YE MIGHTY, AND...
Joel: Hey, Tom, cut it out!
Tom: ...despair? Oh, wow, Joel. That was incredible. It was like some
vast supercosmic ego had been imposed on my insignificant mind.
Crow: I thought it was kind of delicate and beautiful.
Tom: Delicate and beautiful? Awe-inspiring and powerful is more like it!
Joel: Wait, you're both right. (light starts to flash) Oops, looks like
Beavis and Butthead are calling.
(cut to Deep 13)
Frank: I've got dibs on Beavis.
Dr. F: Shut up, imbecile! (hits Frank)
Frank: Owieowieowieowie...
Dr. F: I'm not in a good mood this week, Joel, so why don't you and the
bots go first in the invention exchange?
(cut to the S.O.L.)
Joel: Well sirs, our invention this week is based on the premise that you
always want to hide things, but people know where to look.
Tom: Like you can always find our Christmas presents in Joel's closet...
Crow: ...and back issues of Playboy in his sock drawer!
Joel: Hey! Those are private!
Crow: Sorry, Joel.
Tom: Back to the invention, guys?
Joel: Oh, right. Well, this week's invention is "The Invisible Box."
(holds up nothing)
Crow: Wait a minute, there's nothing there.
Joel: That's right, Crow. I was just having a little joke. The Invisble
Box is over here. (picks up nothing)
Tom: Wait, that's not it either.
Joel: You're right. Well, it looks like I may have misplaced The Invisible
Box. It's got a few drawbacks to fix.
Tom: Perhaps if we add one of those things where you clap and it beeps...
Crow: Maybe it could glow in the dark?
Joel: But that would defeat the whole purpose of invisibilty.
Crow: Oh, yeah. I forgot.
(cut to Deep 13. Dr. Forrester now bears a large silver gun.)
Dr. F: Our invention exchange this week is called the "Swiss Cheeser."
It's based on the Quantum Leap side effect where parts of your memory
get selectively erased.
Frank: It's great for parties, forgetting books you want to read again,
attending congressional hearings...
Dr. F: Well, let me demonstrate on Frank. (holds gun up to Frank's head)
Frank, when I'm finished, you're going to forget all about what I did
to the Gizmonic Institute pension fund. (pulls the trigger)
Frank: No wait....Aaaah!
Dr. F: Frank, Frank! Are you okay?
Frank: I okay, Daddy. (starts sucking his thumb)
Dr. F: Hmmm...looks like I aimed a little too far back.
Frank: Frank go poo-poo in panties.
Dr. F: (shocked) Anyway, Joel, your experiment this week was pulled off of
alt.ql.creative. That's right, you're getting a Quantum Leap fanfic!
(laughs manaically)
(cut to S.O.L.)
Joel: Actually, I find Quantum Leap intellectually stimulating. It is
poignant, dramatic, and creates real empathy for the characters, all
in the space of one short hour. Personally, I think it's a real treat.
(cut back to Deep 13)
Dr. F: I didn't know you were a Quantum Leap fan, Joel. It only makes this
week's experiment much more delightful. You see, some poor soul with
too much spare time has written a Quantum Leap/Highlander crossover.
It's called "Highleaper," and it's what you'll be reading this week.
(cut back to S.O.L)
Joel: You're evil, Dr. Forrester. Just plain evil.
Tom: I can feel my arteries pounding already...
Crow: Me too...
(Deep 13 again)
Dr. F: Well, tough, can head. Enjoy! (presses button)
Frank: Joel go bye-bye now.
(the S.O.L. again)
Crow: Wait, how do we have arteries? We're robots!
Joel: Aaah! We've got message sign!
G...6...5...4...3...2...1
> Larry Nagy <LEN...@psuvm.psu.edu> writes:
>
> Following is the revised version of a story I posted last night,
> then canceled this morning.
Tom: Wait, even _he_ had reservations about posting this story?
Crow: Oh boy, this is going to be a stinker.
> High Gang,
Crow: Is that 'High Gang' as in 'the gang from high school?'
Joel: Perhaps it's 'High Gang' as in 'smoking something illegal.'
> this is my first QL story(second attempt). This came to me
> the other day and I just had to write it down.
Tom: It's not very good, but please, ignore that!
> Even though
> it is version 2, it is still very much a rough draft so
> please feel free to send comments my way,
Crow: Oh, we will. Don't worry about that.
> I am very interested
> in what people think.
Joel: No you're not. If you were you wouldn't have posted this in the
first place.
> Though I haven't contributed here before,
> you may recognize me from alt.startrek.creative, thats where
> I spend most of my time.
Crow: Oh no!
Joel: Alt.startrek.creative. A sure sign of badness.
Tom: Hey, how do you hang out at an Internet address?
> Larry
Joel: Daryl, and his other brother Daryl.
> -----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tom: No one will be admitted during the exciting "hyphenation" scene.
> HIGHLEAPER
Crow: Maybe if he leaps from high enough, then there won't be a part two!
Joel: We can always hope.
> by Lawrence
Joel: Kasdan?
Tom: Olivier?
Crow: of Arabia?
> E. Nagy
Tom: I wonder if he's related to Alfred E. Neuman.
Crow: He's probably nowhere near as entertaining.
Joel: That's a scary thought.
> First Sam felt the tingling of
Crow: Warm, sweet urine running down his leg.
> a leap, his world
> turned into the usual blue light
All: Seen it.
Crow: Attention K-mart shoppers! Bad fanfics 10% off, while the blue light
is flashing! Thank you.
> then something went
> wrong, terribly wrong.
Joel: Amazingly wrong. Incredibly wrong. Horribly, horribly wrong. Really
wrong. You won't believe just how wrong it was. I mean wrong.
Fantastically wrong...
Tom: Crow, hit him! He's stuck!
Crow: Take that! (hits Joel)
Joel: Thanks, guys.
Crow: Don't mention it.
> Pain shot through his body. It
> felt like an electrical shock strong enough to lift him
> off the ground.
Crow: Hey, maybe there won't be a part two if this keeps up!
All: Yaaay!
> Blackness around him lit up with flashes
> of a blue-white lightning and sparks fell from above.
Joel: Wait, how do you light up blackness?
Tom: Yeah, what is there to reflect off of?
> The pain subsided for an instant then returned with a
> vengeance, it felt like he had been impaled on
Tom: A lead pipe.
Joel: A two-by-four.
Crow: A telephone pole.
> a bolt of
> lightning. It was too much to bear, Sam screamed in agony
Joel: And wrote a run-on sentence.
> and the ground came up to meet his knees.
Tom: Though it just might possibly be the reverse that was true.
> He landed hard
> and heard what ever it was he had been holding
Crow: That must be like the thing my aunt gave me that I don't know what
it is.
Joel: What?
> clang to
> the ground.
> When the energy subsided, Sam continued his fall
Tom: I thought he had already hit the ground.
Joel: Sssh, boy! Don't look for continuity!
> but
> was able to catch himself at the last minute, barely
> avoiding eating pavement.
Joel: What's so difficult about that? I avoid eating pavement every day of
my life.
> He knelt there for a few
> moments trying to catch his breath,
Tom: But failed miserably and died.
> finally he opened his
> eyes, hoping that where ever he was there was some
Joel: Periods.
> light.
> The place was dark but Sam could see, he leaned back
> on his heals
Tom: Ripping them open and causing him to go back in for more surgery.
> and looked up. A few dim lights
Crow: Much like the author of this fanfic.
> hung high
> overhead, there were many, though,
Joel: Oh, wow, the whole alt.ql.creative gang is here!
> that still sparked from
> an apparent overload. It must have been caused by what
> ever he had just endured.
Tom: Or maybe they were just always that way.
> Sam could also make out a few
> windows showing a night sky high overhead.
> 'What is this?' he thought 'Where am I?.'
Crow: You've leaped into a fanfic! Quick! Escape!
> He smelled something odd yet very familiar.
Tom: Perhaps body odor?
> "Blood" he whispered to himself "I smell blood."
Crow: Wait a minute, why is the smell of blood _familiar_ to him? What's
going on here that we don't know about?
> Sam immediately started looking around. Laying in the
> shadows a couple of yards away was the outline of a body.
Joel: Though the body itself had long since decomposed.
> Though every muscle in his body ached, Sam forced himself
> to his feet and headed to whom ever this was.
Tom: Inserting a few extraneous spaces along the way.
> This person
> obviously needed help.
Joel: And how did he manage to come tto that conclusion if he could only
see his outling?
> As his angle of sight changed, Sam
> stopped dead in his tracks.
Crow: No more part two! I knew it!
Joel: No, it only means that he stopped.
Crow: Aw.
> He found why he smelled
> blood, the body was headless and lay in a large pool of
> blood.
Tom: Yep, that _would_ explain it.
Joel: Sure would.
Tom: Yep.
> "Oh, boy." he whispered to himself.
Tom: I think this one qualifies for understatement of the year.
Joel: I agree.
> It was the corpse of a large man, well over six feet.
> He was well muscled and in very good shape.
Crow: Besides the fact he was missing his head, that is.
> The body had
> several cuts on its arms and torso.
Crow: But despite that, he was still in good shape!
> Beside missing it's
> head, it also had
Tom: Very bad grammar and punctuation.
> a very fatal stab wound in the center of
> the chest, just below breast bone.
Joel: Wait, which killed the man, being decapitated or the fatal stab
wound?
Tom: At this point, I think that's academic.
> When Sam realized blood was still oozing from the body
> he felt a surge of
Tom: Diahhrea, like a storm raging inside of him.
> panic and took a few steps away. Who
> ever did this could still be around.
Joel: Or, if you're an astute reader, whoever did this could be the main
character of the story.
> Something clanged under foot. He had just stepped on
> a large two-handed straight sword.
Tom: He knew by looking at it that it had a speed factor of six and did
1d8 points of damage. Knowing that he was proficient in this weapon,
he smiled.
> One like he remembered
> seeing them carry in movies about King Arthur and Camelot.
Crow: What kind of sword would that be?
Joel: Probably a very fake one.
> "What is this?" he said "What the hell is going on
> here?"
Joel: Good question.
> Sam then remembered dropping something when he leaped
> in.
Tom: Does he mean something besides good grammar and plot continuity?
> He limped back over to where he was originally and
> looked around.
Crow: Wow, sure is dark here in the womb.
Joel: Hey, Crow!
Crow: Well, it _is_ where he was originally.
> He found a white handled sword. It was a
> Japanese katana,
Joel: Are there any other kinds of katana?
> he remembered learning to use one in some
> of his martial arts classes.
Tom: Including those special ones where he had to snatch pebbles out of
his master's hand and walk on rice paper.
Crow: (whispery voice) When Grasshopper can talk without coordinating
his lip movements...
> This one looked like an
> antique, he was so intrigue by it, he didn't realize, at
> first, that
Tom: Commas had started slipping into the middle of his sentences and the
endings of words had started leaking out.
> the blade was covered with blood. Seeing the
> blood he almost threw the sword down, but didn't.
Joel: Because he wanted to cover it with fingerprints for when the cops
arrived.
> "Mac!" a voice echoed through the warehouse.
> Sam turned toward the voice instinctively swinging the
> sword to a classic on-guard position.
Crow: Wait, was Sam instinctively swinging the sword to a classic on-guard
position or was the voice instinctively swinging the sword to a
classic on-guard position?
Joel: Do you actually think we'll find out?
> A figure
Tom: Oh no! Not another Venn diagram!
All: Aaah!
> silhouetted in the shadows limped toward him. As the
> person approached Sam could make out the form of young man
Crow: Without articles.
> holding a sword. He held the sword low, almost dragging
> it,
Joel: Hey! Who tought you to hold a sword that way? And you call yourself
a ninja warrior!
> he looked like it took all of his effort to maintain
> his grip.
Crow: Well, maybe if he stopped limping towards Sam he'd have some more
energy to use.
> "Mac," the young man said again "Are you all right?"
> 'My name must be Mac'
Joel: But surely your name is Sam.
Crow: (goofy voice) No it's not, and don't call me Shirley!
> Sam thought relaxing his stance
> then stumbled his reply "Yea, I guess I'm okay."
Tom: Yea, yea, so you say. But one among you has already betrayed me.
> This person seemed about Sam's height, had short blond
> hair and an boyish face.
Joel: But in reality he was ten feet tall, had garish purple hair and
jowls like Richard Nixon.
Crow: Eww!
> He must have only been in his
> late teens or early twenties.
Tom: Though it is quite conceivable that he could be immortal.
> Sam also realized that he
> had several cuts and very nasty looking blood stained gash
> across the front of the black sweater he was wearing.
Joel: Wait, did Sam have these cuts or did the other guy?
Tom: Who knows?
> "Are YOU okay?" Sam asked sincerely.
> "I'm fine."
Crow: Apart from the several cuts and the very nasty blood stained gash
across the front of my sweater, that is.
> he replied "But old Lance here would have
> had my head if it weren't for
Tom: The fact that it's screwed to my neck.
> you. That's another one I
> owe you."
Tom: (laughing) Oh, keep it. I have plenty of heads.
Joel: Do-oh!
> "I didn't know you were keeping track." Sam said as
> if knew what was going on.
Crow: Though not even the author knows what's going on at this point.
> It seemed as if this wasn't
> the first time he had literally saved the boy's neck.
> The boy leaned down and picked up a rag laying nearby
Joel: Gee, what a conveniently placed rag.
Tom: I'll say.
> to wipe the small amout of blood off of his own sword.
> Sam running on instinct
Joel: Or perhaps just peer pressure.
> did the same.
> They headed out of the warehouse to a deserted pier.
Tom: Which, of course, was no longer deserted now that they were there.
> There were two vehicles parked near the door. An old
> single seat Harley-Davidson and a black mid-70's Trans Am.
Crow: Which were the only vehicles they could get because 'Mannix' was
having a prop sale.
> Sam's companion looked longingly at the bike.
Joel: Whoa, talk about perverse...
> "What I
> ride." he said as they passed it.
Tom: Wow, mighty strong bowel muscles on those two.
> "It's too bad someone
> like Lance would own such a fine piece of machinery."
Crow: Well, I don't think Lance has any objections. Why don't we take it?
> He then looked toward the edge of the pier "How long
> do you suppose my bike will last in that water?"
Joel: Pretty long. It's the brand new model, that stays crispy even in
milk.
Tom: Hunh?
> Sam frowned at the boy's trivial worries.
> He had
> apparently just killed this Lance person, beheading him,
> and this kid was worrying about motorcycles. "I don't
> think very long."
Crow: Neither does the author of this fanfic.
> "I'll come back later and pull it out, it'll give me
> something to do."
Joel: I know how you feel. Life gets so boring between bouts of beheading
strange men.
> They headed toward the Trans-Am and Sam went straight
> for the passanger side.
Tom: Because that was his defeatist approach towards life. Always a
follower, never a leader.
> "You want me to drive?" the boy
> said surprised. "Lance must have wore you out pretty
> good."
Crow: Yep, he ground me down to a little nub.
Joel: He also drove matching tenses out of our sentences.
> As Sam opened the passenger side door he heard the boy
> clear his throat.
Crow: (gagging) Hwaack! Hwaak!
Joel: That's disgusting.
> "The keys" he said "I am going to need
> the keys."
Tom: To your heart, if you want my good loving.
> "Of course." Sam said weakly and started feeling his
> pockests
Tom: "Pockests?"
Crow: (cackling) What has he got in his pockestses, anyhow?
> till he found a set to hand over. Sam fell into
> the passenger seat
Joel: And mercifully passed out for the remainder of the fanfic.
> then looked at his clothes in the car's
> dome light. He was wearing blue jeans and a cut and blood
> stained white t-shirt.
Tom: Bloodstains: the fashion statement of the nineties.
> "Hey Mac, what's up?" his companion said as he slid
> into the seat next to him "Your acting really weird."
Joel: Oh yeah? Well your grammar really bad!
Crow: This is only a fanfic and he wants great acting?
> "I just killed a man." Sam said trying to find an
> excuse for his disorientation.
Tom: Oh, that one never works.
Joel: Looks like he'll have detention now.
> The kid looked at him strangely "You should be used to
> it by now. Are you sure your okay,
Crow: His okay what?
> something really weird
> is going on."
Tom: Yes, all the contractions in my sentences are being replaced with
homophones.
> "What are you talking about?" Sam asked trying to act
> like he didn't know what he was talking about.
Joel: Which, of course, he didn't.
Tom: Talk about or know about?
Joel: Both.
> "I don't feel you." he said very seriously.
All: WHAT?!?
Crow: Ew, that's sick!
> "What?"
Joel: Hey, we just said that!
> "The quickening. I don't feel it in you." The boy
> said "It's as if you weren't one of us anymore."
Crow: (laughing nervously) Why, that's ridiculous! If I wasn't one of you,
who would I be? Some time travelling scientist from...the future...
> "We're tired." Sam said "lets go".
Tom: Ooh, the royal we. Sam's getting a little pretentious now, isn't he?
> The boy put the car into gear and slowly drove down
> the pier with lights off.
Joel: Wait, were the car's lights off or were the pier's lights off?
Tom: Or are they just the lights in the author's brain?
> Neither said another word, they just sat back and let
> the Trans-Am carry them into the night.
> to be continued..................
Crow: Aargh! There will be a part two!
> --------------------------------------------
> Larry Nagy
> 1160 Boyer Rd
> Erie, PA 16511
Crow: Oh, boy! He stupidly left his home address! Think of all the nasty
things I can send him now...
Joel: No, Crow.
Crow: Aw, please, Joel!
Joel: You're not going to send a letter bomb to that nice Mr. Nagy and
that's it!
Crow: You never let me have any fun.
Tom: Come on, guys. Let's get out of here.
1...2...3...4...5...6...G
(the inside of the S.O.L. Joel is standing in front of the control
console so that it is impossible to see what is behind him.)
Joel: Hello, and welcome once again to "What If...," the MST3K segment
in which we take the basic premise of a movie and alter it to match
other bad ones we have watched.
Crow: (voice coming from behind Joel) What do you mean "again?" This is
only the first time we've done it!
Tom: (voice only) Shut up, you fool! Shut up!
Joel: Anyhow, our premise tonight is..."What If Sam leaped into Torgo?"
Here to present our little skit is Mr. Crow T. Robot as Sam and Tom
Servo as his faithful companion Al.
(steps aside to reveal Crow and Tom behind him. Crow is wearing a dirty
trench coat and a fedora, Tom is wearing a sharp outfit with a wild
shirt.)
Crow: Al! Thank the lord you're here!
Tom: Sorry, Sam, but there was a slight mess-up. Ziggy blew a few circuits
and we had to replace them.
Crow: Never mind that! Who am I, and what am I supposed to do? This place
is freaking me out! There are these dead women staked out around a
campfire, a satanic evil guy wearing these weird robes, and these
people hanging around who are scared to death of me! It's just so
surreal!
Tom: Well, Ziggy says that you're a man named "Torgo," and that you're
supposed to be taking care of the house while the master is away.
Crow: What is that supposed to mean?
Tom: Don't ask me, you're the one who's been here the longest!
Crow: But what kind of a name is Torgo? Doesn't he have a last name or
anything? And these _knees_, Al, what about these knees?!?
Tom: I don't know about the knees, but Ziggy thinks that you're hear
to prevent this Torgo from getting wiped to death by a horde of women
in about two days.
Crow: Wiped to death? Do you know how absurd that sounds?
Tom: Apparently, if this Torgo doesn't die, he opens his own pizza
delivery service and winds up changing the whole course of history.
Crow: (groans and faints)
Tom: Sam? Sam? Are you ok?
Joel: (stepping back into the shot) Oh, we've got commercial sign.