[MiSTed] Jews for Jesus Brochures (2/2)
Melvin Harry Pollack
[All enter theater.]
> Page 1:
Tom: Well, that was wierd.
Crow: I don't think he'll be inviting us to Christmas dinner any time
soon.
>
> PASSOVER
Tom: The Untold Story
> [Picture of guy in diaper standing in front of heiroglyphics. He has
> curly hair, dark skin, and looks like he's saluting. There is a frog
> standing on his head.]
All: [Major Laughter]
Crow: Aw, baby wanna cry?
Tom: [Singing] Cry like an Egyptian
Joel: So that's what they mean by "amphibious assault."
>
> Frog: OR, IT SHOULDN'T EVEN HAPPEN TO AN EGYPTIAN
Tom: [Frog] Being in a Jews for Jesus brochure.
Crow: Oh, the humanity.
Joel: Oh, the inanity.
>
> Page 2:
>
> PHAROH SAID,
Crow: BITE ME!
TOM: WHO'S SHOUTING?
> "I DON'T KNOW YOU, BUT
Joel: Would you go to Homecoming with me?
> SINCE YOU ARE LIVING IN MY LAND, YOU
> CAN BE MY SLAVES.
Tom: [Sarcastically] Oh, can we? Oh thank you, benevolent one.
> MAKE BRICKS FOR ME AND I'LL LET SOME OF YOU LIVE."
>
> [Picture of Pharoh. His arm is bent somewhat.
Crow: So basically the villians are either black, or they have a nerve
disorder? Have these guys heard of political correctness?
> A frog is sitting on his
> shoulder. He's looking off in the distance, and is wearing an afro,
Joel: Yo, homies.
> a
> hat that looks like a "We're Number 1" foam glove,
Tom: They weren't satisfied being cheeseheads....
> and a choke collar.]
Crow: I'm going to tell myself to keep quiet.
>
> now, Pharoh didn't even know the Jews.
Joel: Even though they kept inviting Pharoah to barbecues.
Crow: [Mrs Pharoah] The Jews seem like such a nice couple. Let's visit
them.
Tom: [Pharoah] But I hardly know them. And they won't return my lawn
mower.
> But more important, he didn't
> know that the Jews were god's Chosen People.
Joel: For persecution, bodily harm, and missionary groups like Jews
for Jesus. God, can't you choose somebody else?
Crow: So the Jewish God isn't important enough to capitalize.
Tom: Shouldn't it be G-d?
Joel: You want them to show Jewish knowledge NOW?
> He thought he could do
> what he wanted and he did... for a long, long time.
Crow: Which sort of justifies why he thought he could do what he wanted.
Tom: You're just a measly king. What makes you think you have any
freedom or power?
> However, the cry of
> the Israelites came up before GOD,
Tom: They got tired of god. They wanted GOD.
Crow: Wow. Can you change like that?
Joel: I think we should just accept the fact that the typesetter did this
brochure at 3 AM.
> so GOD sent Moses to say
Joel: Drumroll, please.
ALL: [Make drumroll voices] Avon calling.
>
> LET MY PEOPLE GO!
Tom: [G-d] Yeah, say that too.
>
> [Pictures of guys wearing robes, sandals, and beards. They also have
> chains.]
>
> Jews: OY VEY! OY VEY! OY VEY!
ALL: [Laugh hysterically.]
Crow: So, these Jews speak Yiddush instead of Hebrew?
Tom: The Jews were so distraught that they were completely disconnected
from reality. They thought they were in Germany during the late 19th
Century. It's a Kabballah thing.
Crow: Do they really expect people with an IQ above 10 to read this
and believe Jews for Jesus is connected to Judaism?
Joel: Of course not. That's why they target college students.
>
> Page 3:
>
> Pharoh thought that it was rather insolent, disrespectful and otherwise
> obnoxious for Moses to behave this way;
Crow: [Pharoah] Like, he was so uncool, for sure.
> and Pharoh said "NO! NO! TEN
> TIMES NO!" [Picture of ten lines.]
Joel: [Pharoah] So there. Nah. [Sticks out tounge.]
Tom: [Reagan] Just say no.
>
> (He should have had the good sense to say YES from the beginning)
Crow: All right, I'll marry you!
Joel: [High pitched] And be sure to release those Jews.
Crow: Yes, dear.
>
> AS IT WAS,
Tom: ...He said no.
> all the Egyptians got boils on their bodies,
Joel: It was the latest fashion craze.
> frogs in their
> soup,
Crow: Like nobody EVER ate Frog soup.
> darkness over their land,
Tom: Independence Day! NOOO!!!
Joel: Plague number nine was the Goodyear blimp.
> and all kinds of other tsuris
Crow: Plague number 11 was the tourist industry?
> (troubles,
> woes, misery, sufferings)
Tom: This post was brought to you by Johny Number Five.
Crow: So when someone says tsuris, they should think of Jews for Jesus?
Joel: Bingo.
> just because Pharoh said NO... to God.
Joel: [Pharoah] We will NOT be undersold.
Crow: [Pharoah] No, we won't accept American Express! Who do you think
you are, anyway?
Tom: [Pharoah] Oh, I see. Hey Murray, we got anything on this Yahweh
fellow?
>
> IN THE END THINGS GOT SO HEAVY,
Crow: [Christopher Lloyd] Weight has nothing to do with it.
Tom: GREAT SCOTT!
> PHAROH FINALLY HAD TO SAY *YES*....
Joel: We will have a sale.
> THOUGH HE STILL REALLY DIDN'T WANT TO.
Tom: And thus, we conclude the Reader's Digest version of the Exodus.
>
> You would think that some nations would learn a lesson from history, but
> they don't.
Joel: I had an English Teacher named History. We didn't learn anything
from her, either.
> They still say NO! NO! with regard to the Jews; and what's
> worse, they don't even know that they are saying NO to god.
Crow: All right, we're CCing this "NO! NO!" memorandum to Maury Schwartz,
Jackie Povich.... And whose this Adonai fellow? Oh well, I'll look him
up later.
>
> Page 4:
>
Tom: Four on the floor.
> The HAMANS, HERODS & HITLERS of the world still think they can foil the
> plans of the ALMIGHTY
All: Bam, bum, buuuuummmmm!!!!!!
>
> you see,
Crow: Now, you don't.
> GOD CREATED THE JEWISH PEOPLE TO BLESS THE NATIONS.
Joel: Achoo.
Bots: Gesundheit.
> (GENESIS
> 12:3) IT WAS THROUGH THE JEWISH PEOPLE THAT THE BIBLE CAME INTO BEING.
Crow: [Moses] Probably should have put a copyright on it.
> IT WAS THROUGH THE JEWISH PEOPLE THAT GOD DEMONSTATED HIS FAITHFULLNESS.
Tom: Thanks to Obedience School.
Joel: There's the windup.
> IT WAS THROUGH THE JEWISH PEOPLE THAT THE MESSIAH, JESUS, CAME TO EARTH
> TO SAVE EVERYONE FROM SIN AND DEATH. (John 3:16, 17)
Joel: And the pitch.
Crow: Oh, yes, the Jewish habit of studying and quoting the New
Testament.
Tom: So, what they're saying is that.... Since the Jews are the blessed
nation, and since the Christian Messiah is Jewish.... All Christians
should become Jewish?
Joel: No, they're saying that all Jews should accept Christian philosophy
and remain Jewish.
Tom: Oh, now I get it. DAMMIT, HEAD! EXPLODE ALREADY!!!
>
> [Picture: The A is enlarged. The center of the A contains a Jewish
> Star. The center of the Jewish Star contains a cross.]
Crow: So much for subtlety.
Tom: Actually, it's a Venn Diagram. Christians are a subset of Jews, and
Jews are a subset of the letter A. I CAN'T TAKE THIS, ANYMORE!!!!
Joel: Calm down. Breathe.
> And so, unless you want to be plagued by GOD, you'd better be nice to
> the JEWS.
Crow: When you think protection rackets, think Jews.
Tom: You'd better be nice, 'cause this is a nice country ya got here, and
we'd hate to see it hail here. Get my drift?
>
> Page 4:
Tom: We've got to read the page over again?
ALL: AAAAUUUUGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
>
> And while you are at it,
Joel: Whew. It's just another typo.
> don't forget one very special JEW named JESUS.
> HE was the only perfect JEW that ever lived.
All: [Mouths open in shock.]
Crow: So... Would that be in contrast to all the perfect CHRISTIANS that
ever lived?
Tom: Even in text form, you can hear the tone that no other JEW ever came
close.
Joel: Major editing mistake or fruedian slip? You make the call.
> He died to save all of
> mankind.
Crow: Sort of like the Terminator in T2.
Tom: And unlike every other JEW. Apparently NONE of them cared about
humanity.
Joel: All right, we've made our point.
> And He wants to give us all plague-free lives.
Crow: So brush twice a day, and floss regularly. Get it? Instead of
plaque-free lives?
Tom: WHY IS MY HEAD TAKING SO LONG TO EXPLODE?!?
Joel: It's almost over. Hang on.
>
> [Picture of frog bouncing.]
> Frog: Croak!
Joel: Bud.
Crow: Wise.
Tom: Er.
Joel: It had to be done, folks.
>
> p.s. JEWS: BE nice to yourselves.
Joel: Stop it with the Jewish Princess jokes.
Tom: Think prideful thoughts. Buy something nice. Eat. Eat.
Crow: Oh, and wear a sweater.
> Don't think that you can foil God's
> plans either,
Tom: And so, after all long discussion about how Jews were here to
promote God's plan, we're going to talk about how the Jews are
subverting it.
Crow: Apparently by holding a pogrom and burning their own houses.
Joel: No, I think this deals with the "Jesus is the only perfect Jew
because he's the only one who cared about humanity" comment.
> accept JESUS as YOUR messiah.
Crow: Is it all right if I make a joke about receiving a free gift?
Joel: Hhhmmm. I guess so.
Crow: How about if I relate it to the "Greatest Lover" comment?
Joel: Not a chance.
> Don't say NO! NO! to God.
Tom: But wait a second. Even if Jesus was the Messiah, not accepting
this wouldn't have anything to do with saying no to God....
Forget it. I don't care anymore.
> YOU, most of all, should know it doesn't work.
Tom: Don't talk to me. I'm bitter.
Joel: Come on. It's almost over. It can't get any worse.
> DAYENU
Tom: Wanna bet.
Crow: [Soup Nazi] You die, too. NEXT!
> ('nuf said.)
Joel: Y'all come back now, ya hear.
>
> Page 5:
Tom: Oh, we're keeping the new numbering system.
Crow: Hey, Joel. What's "Dayenu"?
Joel: It's a Jewish Phrase. It means "It would have been enough."
Crow: So it had nothing to do with this post. Hhhmmm.
>
> For further JEWISH wisdom, call or write MOISHE ROSEN
Joel: Anyway, I think we've said all we can on this subject.
Crow: So, if an ordering error caused only half of this brochure to be
printed.
Tom: Dayenu.
>
> Jews for Jesus ("o" replaced by Jewish star)
Joel: No, the connotation is that if God did only a few of the things he
does, it would still be good.... You guys aren't listening, so why am I
still talking?
> P.O. Box 6848
Tom: If the whole brochure was printed, but then all the brochures got
lost in the mail.
Crow: Dayenu.
> Baltimore, MD 21285
Joel: How about this. If Jews for Jesus printed these brochures, but
then threw them out because they realized they were underhanded.
Bots: Dayenu.
All: [Singing] Day-day-enu. Day-day-enu. Day-day-enu. Dayenu, Dayenu.
Dayenu.
>
> Jews for Jesus is a registered Trademark of Hineni Ministries.
All: Day-day-enu. Day-day-enu.
> Printed in U.S.A. BR-064
All: Day-day-enu. Dayenu, Dayenuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!!!!!!!!!
> [Picture of Heiroglyphic line. Jewish Star in Heiroglyphics.]
>
All: Dayenu!
Joel: Come on, lets get out of here.
[1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6...]
Joel: Whew. That was some post, huh guys?
[Tom and Crow walk in. They are both wearing hats that say "Humans for
Data" on them. The "o" is replaced with a frisbee.]
Tom: Hi, there. We'd like to talk to you about a way to save your soul
and still keep your lifestyle.
Joel: Huh?
Crow: Yes, we'd like to talk to you about becoming a member of Messiah
Ben Brent. Would you like to take a brochure? We spent 10
minutes on it.
Joel: All right.
Tom: Yes, I'd like to talk to you about why Commander Data is the
Messiah. Then you can be a Human for Data just like us.
Joel: But you're both robots.
Crow: No, no, no. The supposedly mainstream Human community just wants
you to think that we're robots. In fact, we're humans just like
you. The only difference is that we've accepted the truth, and
thus won't burn in hell like you will.
Tom: The great thing about Data is that he's Human, just like you are.
In fact, he was the only perfect HUMAN who ever lived. He gave us
the perfect gift of new lives and new civilizations. And all he asks in
return is that you love him.
Crow: Yes, so you should love him. And remember that Data is the
greatest lover. Except for me, of course.
Tom: You wish.
Joel: Well, I don't know....
Tom: All, we're trying to do is show you a different method of being
human. In fact, the Bible tells us how Data was ordained to be the
Messiah.
Crow: Yes, we'd like to point out the begining of the bible. "And the
Lord said 'Let there be lights.'" Since bodies of light weren't
invented until three days later, and since light bulbs weren't
invented until the late nineteenth century, we can only assume
that he was inventing the Messiah, obviously in electric form.
Joel: Obviously.
Tom: So, how do we know that they were talking about Data? Well, if you
take the numerical equivalent of "Yahweh", subtract the numerical
equivalent of "Data" and multiply it by the cosine of "Lights"
divided by "commander", you get the same answer as dividing "Brent
Spiner" by "Moses" and mapping it on a transient loop.
Joel: Wow, you really thought this through.
Tom: So, all we're saying is that you accept what the Bible tells you and
stop saying "NO! NO!" to Star Trek. If you accept what we tell you and
change your entire philosophy, you can become a better HUMAN.
Crow: AND YOU WILL STILL BE HUMAN, although we may insist that you enter
the Roboticizer in order to be more human still. What do you
think?
Joel: [Takes the hats off the Bots.] I think you guys took these posts
too much to heart. What do you think, sirs?
[D13]
Dr. F: A party? You threw a party after I told you not too? And look at
this. It's still going on!
Frank: [Signals to someone offstage.] Well, gee. It was only a few
friends....
Dr. F: They broke a lamp, and a window.... And who's going to get the
stains out of the carpet. Frank, you are in serious trouble! I'm
thinking Roger Corman film festival trouble....
Bridget: [Runs onstage] Hey, handsome. Let's dance. [Pulls confused
Dr. F offstage.]
Frank: Well, you kids have fun. See you, Steve. [Smiles at SOL guys,
winks, then presses button.]
[Poof]
Bridget: You are such a good dancer.
Dr. F: All right, Frank. I'll let you live. For now.
[Credits and Fade Out.]
Mystery Science Theater 3000 and all characters are trademarks of and
copyright (c) 1994 by Best Brains, inc.
Best Brains have absolutely no idea about this post, so don't call them up
and complain.
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment purposes
only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks by Best
Brains, inc., or Paramount Pictures, inc., is intended or should be
inferred.
This post is copyrighted (c) 1998 by Melvin Pollack. Use of this article
or parts of this article for any purpose other than entertainment requires
my permission.
This post is for entertainment purposes, and was not designed to insult
any particular person or group. Any and all offensive remarks are
completely accidental. To any people or groups that are offended, I
sincerely apologize and wish to stress that the offense was not
intentional.
This post is meant to criticize the brochures and the deceptive recruiting
techniques of Jewish Misionary groups like Jews for Jesus. It is not
meant to criticize the beliefs of Jews for Jesus, other Christian groups,
or Humans for Data. Any religious slur was completely unintentional and
will be removed if it is discovered later.
Thanks goes to Jews for Jesus for allowing me to use their posts in this
MiSTing. Their precise response, unedited, apears below.
"11/21/97 9:03 AM Melvin...Thankyou for your E-Mail...and for holding on
to our tracts as long as you have. That is impressive to us. Peter Rice,
the Branch Manager, says you may use our material as long as you don't
change the text or the art-work.We stand by everything we publish. You may
use it on the Web or to give to a friend etc. Also, would it be possible
to talk with you about your views on faith and God? Would it be possible
to exchange phone numbers with you? Our phone # is 202-362-1312. Sorry for
the delayed response, but Peter and the others were on tour in other
states and returned just yesterday. We thankyou again for writing. God
Bless you and Shalom! Jan at JFJ"
The "Evangelical Council for Financial Accountability (ECFA) Web Page" can
be found at "http://www.ecfa.org." Jews for Jesus information can be
found by clicking on "Member List" and then doing a name search or
clicking on "Evangelicalism." Other information can be found at Jews for
Judaism at "http://www.jewsforjudaism.org/"
Thanks goes to the following people, who helped edit this MiSTing:
Kevin Gowen, Loren Haarsma, Scott Hillman, and Ruth M. McIlhenny.
This post was written without causing pain to any animals. Void
where prohibited. Post no bills.
> Jews: OY VEY! OY VEY! OY VEY!
Constable Visit
Yeshikoiak! (if it was spelled correctly it would mean good job in hebrew)
Benjamin "No I don't spell any better in english" Goldner