-- MSTIED: spam shorts (1/3) --

[Rufus T. Firefly]

(turn down your lights... turn up the volume)

"In the not-too-distant future
somewhere in time and space
Mike Nelson and his robot pals
are caught in an endless chase
pursued by a woman
whose name is Pearl
an evil gal who wants to rule the world
she threw a few things in her purse
and in her rocket ship she hunts him all across the universe
"I’m sending him cheesy spamming
the dumbest
I can find
he’ll have to sit and read them all
and his monitor is mine"
now keep in mind Mike can’t control
when the spamming begins or ends
because the evil corporations
want to sell stuff to his robot friends
robot roll-call!
Cambot!
Gypsy!
Tom Servo!
Croooow!
if you’re wondering how he’s in cyberspace
and stuck on USENET
just repeat to yourself
"it’s just a 'zine
I should really just relax"
for mystery USENET theater
3000!"

[hatch... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... SOL]

[Mike is in center of screen, by himself]
Mike: Hi everyone, we’re on the-
[Crow enters from right, panicked]
Crow: Oh, would you shut up! We have pests!
Mike: But Crow, I was talking...
Crow: [cutting him off] You don’t seem to understand that we have PESTS
here!
Mike: [warningly] Crow, remember the Eyelash Mite debacle?
Crow: Mike, we’ve been after you to stop blaming us. It was your war.
Mike: Crow, listen, I don’t want to be blamed for starting
that...[seeing that it is futile] [pause] Will you at least describe
today’s pest?
[Servo enters from right]
Servo: Attention all residents on the SOL, we have a pest problem.
Mike: Yeah, Crow and I were just...
Servo: The pests appear to be SpamBots! Their mission is to reduce the
SOL to a vast, thoughtless wasteland!
Mike: [forced laugh, sort of like Joel] Don't be silly, Servo, the
SpamBots have a right to live also, it's a perfectly legal form of...
Servo: [cutting him off] They've INVADED my underwear collection! Mike,
that's PERSONAL!
Mike: It's not an invasion, they're clearly marked as...
Crow: [cutting him off] Nope, sorry Mike, they've long since learned how
to disguise themselves as underwear, they look legit to anyone.
Mike: Then how do you know it's there?
Servo: You know me, Mike! I'm a man who knows my underwear... and I
counted 345 pairs of cotton boxers, 79 pairs of silk boxers, 722 high
cut briefs, 56 low cut briefs, 7 banana warmers, 3 home of the whopper
briefs, and two vintage Joe Namath netted slingshot brief prototypes!
[during this, Crow and Mike exchange glances]
Mike: Umm... so?
Servo: CAN'T YOU SEE? That's THREE extra pairs of cotton boxers, one
extra pair of silk boxers, TWENTY more high cut briefs, one more low cut
brief, AND two extra home of the whopper briefs, AND an extra vintage
Joe Namath netted slingshot brief prototype!!!
Crow: And a partridge in a pear tree?
Mike: Now, boys, I'm sure you're blowing this way out of proportion...
And Tom, I must say, you really DO know your underwear.
[yellow light begins to flash]
Crow: Can't you understand, Mike!? THIS MEANS WAR!
Mike: Sure. Whatever. Let's go to commercial.

[commercial]

[Mike in center, chaotic sounds in background]
Mike: Well, while the commercials were playing, the boys convinced the
Nanites to enter another war, and from what I hear it is not going well.
[Crow enters from right]
Crow: Mike! It's a disaster! The evil ConGress bots are on the SpamBot
side! They say that SpamBots are perfectly okay and are no infringment
to anyone!
[red light begins flashing]
Mike: What about the Nanites?
Crow: It... is not good. They are all but wiped out, and the SpamBot
flood has grown to EPIC PROPORTIONS!
Mike: Dare I ask about Tom's underwear drawer?
Crow: That would be in... VERY bad taste.
Mike: [noticing red light] looks like ground...
[Servo enters from left]
Servo: [crying frantically, cuts him off] No time for that! They've
taken over my underwear drawer! All my underwear... LOST in a giagantic
flood of EVIL SpamBots! [breaks down]
Mike: Well, can't you just toss them out or something?
Servo: Each time I do, more invade! It's HOPELESS! HOPELESS I TELL YOU!
[faint sound of Pearl screaming, "NELSON!!!"]
Mike: Looks like Pearl is getting impatient
[Ground]
Pearl: I've been WAITING, Nelson... And I do NOT like to wait...
[sol]
Mike: Well, there's just...
[Ground]
Pearl: Yeah, I know, Observer has told me all about it... Some sort of
stupid "SpamBot" crap... you big babies.
[Observer walks in from left]
Observer: Umm, Pearl, we seem to have a bit of a...
Pearl: [cutting him off] I was TALKING, Brain Guy...
Observer: Yes, but...
Pearl: [cutting him off] Will you shut up? [To Mike] I'm being paged, it
seems, so your experiment will be a series of USENET spam shorts.
[sol]
Mike: But, see, don't you think, given Servo's current state, that this
would be a little bit BEYOND cruel?
[Ground]
Pearl: [evilly] Why do you think I chose this moment? Send him the
movie, Observer.
Observer: Yes, but first...
Pearl: [cutting him off] I didn't ASK for a narritive. DO IT!!!
[sol]
All: USENET SIGN!

[6... 5... 4... 3... 2... hatch... THEATER]

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