MST3K'ed: Allen N.
Joseph Merlino
Hi gang. This is my first attempt at a misting, so please be gentle.
_______________________________________________________________________________
<SOL>
(Mike and Tom are arguing)
Servo: Mike, there's no such thing as a UFO!
Mike: There is, too! I saw one once. Not too long before the Mads sent me
here.
Servo: There's no credible evidence, the witnesses are unreliable...
(Crow enters frame down front while Mike and Servo continue to argue
in the Background)
Crow: (sotto voce) Hi everybody. Welcome to the Satellite of Love. I'm Crow
T. Robot. My partner, Tom Servo, and the resident human are arguing
about UFO's.
(Crow ducks out of frame)
Servo: Oh, and I suppose you think it's all just a big government coverup.
Mike: That's right. You see...
Servo: Ooohhhh, Nelson, you've been watching WAY to many episodes of
The X Files.
(Light begins to flash)
Mike: Cool it. Goofus and Gallant are calling. (hits light).
<Deep 13>
(Dr. F's face fills the screen.)
Dr. F. Ah, Nelson. Glad to see you're keeping the intellectual standards
top notch up there. Invention exchange: Hop to it. And make it
good.
<SOL>
Mike: Our invention this week is the UFO camera.
(Holds up camera with ungainly looking object affixed)
Crow: That's right. Did you ever notice how photos of "UFO"'s are all
blurry and out of focus? Well we've figured out how to reproduce
that vision challenging effect perfectly every time.
Servo: That's right. The UFO camera takes perfectly indistinct photos
*every single time*. How? Simple. we've taken an ordinary
35mm camera...
Mike: ...and attached one of those "vibrating massagers" from any
department store catalog. Now we just flip the switch...
("massager" starts to buzz, throwing Mike into wild lurches about the Load
Pan Bay)
Mike: Back.... over... to ...(whoooaaaa)... youuuuuu!!
<Deep 13>
Dr. F. Very clever, Mark.
Our invention this week is the Abductabaiter (tm).
(Dr. F. Steps back to reveal TV's Frank seated at a table which is covered
with an enormous mound of mashed potatos. Frank scoops off a glob with his
finger and eats it.)
Frank: (a la Homer Simpson) Mmmmmm...potatos....
Dr. F. The Abductabaiter (tm) produces that irristable urge to "go where
the action is,". That is, it lures unsuspecting victims to the
spot of your choosing, where you may do with them... heh,heh...
what you will. Watch.
(Dr. F. points Abductabaiter (tm) - which looks just like an ordinary
flashlight - at Frank. Frank immediately begins to "sculpt" the mashed
potatos into a crude rendering of a mountain)
Frank: Devil's Tower! I must go to Devil's Tower!
(Frank runs around Deep 13 screaming "Devil's Tower" until Dr. F. conks
him on the noggin with the Abductabaiter (tm))
Dr. F. Makes a dandy bludgeon, too.
Anyway, Nelson, your experiment this week is a little bit of drivel
I found floating around on alt.conspiracy, concerning UFO
visitations. It features a cameo appearence by Jerry Brown, so
pay attention. I bid you pain.
<SOL>
(Mike is still lurching around, with the 'bots trying to stop him. Lights
begin to flash, adding to the pandemonium)
All: Oh no... we got Post Sign!!
6...5...4...3...2...1...
>Subject: Allen N.
>
> Today I was listening to through some old 7 inch magnetic recording tapes
>and found a recording of an interview of a person on a San Francisco
>Radio Station and also myself calling the station. Here we go and remember
>I am the caller from Milpitas...........................................................
>........................................................................
>
>Radio Announcer: Today we have with us Allen The Comic End Time Messiah.
Servo: Not to be confused with Bippy the Wonder Horse.
>Allen: Yes that is correct.
>
>RA: Now let's remember that today is also the day of the death of J.
>Edgar Hoover.
Servo: Dressmakers everywhere are in mourning.
> The last thing that I heard about you was that you were
>part of the Hippies. You say you have 50 people and 17 children in your
>commune now.
Crow: So children aren't people? Is that the message?
Servo: Yep. Pretty much.
>
>A: Yes we operate the One World Resturant on Telegraph Ave.
>
Servo: (singing) "A long time ago, came a man on a track..." Heh, heh.
> in Berkeley,
>Calif. We are vegetarians.
Mike: And you're not. We win.
> At the present time I am about to go to
>court to face some charges of selling pot and other things to some people.
>The last time they put me in jail I got
>
Crow: ...a nasty rash.
Mike: Watch it.
> 5 years to life but they let
>me out after about 9 months.
>
Crow: Must have been in Massachusetts.
Mike: Hey!
Servo: You think Lee Atwater knew about this guy?
>RA: You claim to be from the Galactic Command?
Mike: (English accent) I can burrow through an elephant!
>A: Yes I and my group of people who work with me have volunteered to come
>here and bring in the newage.
Servo: Rhymes with sewage.
> (JW Alen is very similiar to Timothy
>O'Leary
Crow: Whose wife had the cow, right Mike?
Mike: Uh...
> in that he was a university teacher and left that job to hand out
>drugs to people to try to bring them enlightenment.
Servo: ("official" voice) But instead we brought them addiction, misery
and bad hygine.
Crow: Sure. Just ask David Crosby.
> This is an act that
>all of the people who work with the higher vibrations
All: (singing) "Good, *good*, GOOD, good vibrations!"
>are very much against
>and they tried to get Allen not to go about it in that manner.) We are here
>to bring a New Heaven On Earth.
Crow: ...and a new name for "loopy"!
>In 1947 I was contacted to bring in the
>newage. We were the Pillar Of Fire By Night and Cloud by day
Mike: And the Column of Methane By Dusk.
Servo: And the Foul Congregation of Vapors By Dawn.
Crow: And the Brut By Faberge.
> that led the
>children of Israel. I was King James who brought in the King James Bible.
Servo: *I* was Xanthor, Potentate of Ishkabible!
>My hippy friends
Mike: (singing) "You, you and your hippy friends"
> who are with me now were the people who wrote the King
>James Version of the Bible.
> We find out what a person's past lifetimes are by giving them LSD. (JW
>Another no no.) I was also Apollo, and the arch angel Michael.
Crow: And I was Emily Dickenson, and Xerxes, and Sigmund Freud, and
Gilgamesh, and Conan, and Truman Capote and Orson Bean and
Hamurabi, and Jim Morrison, and Nero, and Iron Man Wang, and
John Updike, and Len Bias, and the Michelin Man, and...
Mike: Crow...
Crow: ...John Denver, and Bob Denver, and the Marquis de Sade, and Ricky...
Mike: *Crow!*
Crow: ...Nelson, and Lucille Ball, and B.B. King, and both of the Bronte
Sisters, and...
Mike: That's ENOUGH!
>
>RA: Now we have a caller from Milpitas, Calif. Go ahead.
>
>Man From Milpitas: Hello there Allen.
All: (as Lenny and Squiggy) Duuhh, Hello Shoil!
> We met one time of the sides of Mt. Tam.,
>when you were having a big happening. I was late and didn't see the
>things but I did talk to you while you were in you sleeping bag.
Crow and Servo: (hem and haw)
Mike: Let it go, guys.
>
>A: Oh yes we had a real great night that time. We all saw a lot of
>UFOs.
Servo: Didn't get any pictures, though.
> About 300 people showed up and we were going to have it again but
>the cops stopped us. (JW On a different occasion they had a few people
>who go high on LSD and saw a staircase appear which went up to the
>UFOs.
Servo: (singing) "And she's buy-yi-ying a sta-air-way-yay..." Heh-heh.
> I personally don't use drugs, don't recommend them
Mike: Well, bully for you Mister Clean Livin'
> unless they
>are used in a training system by an Indian shaman and I have never done
>that either.)
>
>RA: Allen you have had articles written about you in quite a few places.
Servo: _Psychology_Today, _Schizophrenia_Bulletin_,
_Drug_Abuse_and_Recovery_...
>
>A: I have been written up in Mechanix Illustrated and on many occasions
>I have been talking about UFOs and they have appeared while I am on the
>program. I was also Daniel of DANIEL AND THE LIONS DEN in the bible.
Crow: ...and I was Sinbad (the Sailor AND the Comic), and Lenny Bruce,
and Norman Fell, and Harry Truman...
Mike: Stop.
>When I leave here I will go back to the 12 density.
Mike: I am your denstity.
>
>RA: Is there anything else you did?
>
>A: I and my group shifted the earth's axis to change where the north
>pole is now, that was many years ago.
Servo: Now, was that before or after you introduced an oxygen atmosphere?
>
>JW So that is some of what he had to say. I have changed the actual words
>so I could get most of the facts in. I don't know where is now. I may
>go over to Berkeley to see if he is still there.
All: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!
> As much as some people might say that this person is crazy and even
>worse,
All: (unison) This person is crazy and even worse.
> he must have know something because there was a rumor that ex-
>goveror Jerry Brown used to come into the back door of Allen's house,
Crow: Which explains a lot about his presidential campaign.
>to receive teachings, when he lived in a small town, I believe it was
>Danville, Calif. But then that was just a rumor.
Mike: and should under no circumstances be believed.
>
>John Winston.
Servo: Tastes good like a UFO buff should.
1...2...3...4...5...6...
<SOL>
(Mike and the 'bots are looking at pictures.)
Mike: See, there's the door and the window...
Servo: Oh, come on, Nelson, you can't see a thing in this picture.
Mike: Okay, let's look at another one.
Servo: Let's not. Look...
(Mad's light flashes)
<Deep 13>
Dr. F: And so the eternal debate rages on. Face it, Nelson, there are no UFOs.
<SOL>
Mike: There are so!
<Deep 13>
Dr.F.: Are not!
<SOL>
Mike: Are so!
<Deep 13>
Dr. F.: Are not!
<SOL>
Mike: Are so!
<Deep 13>
Dr. F: Are not!
Frank: (off) Devil's Tower!!
Dr.F.: Excuse me.
(Dr. F. goes off, Abductabaiter (tm) in hand)
Noises off: Smack!
Thud!
(Dr.F. returns, smirks into camera, and pushes the button).
Just Another Redneck Paisan
_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/
--Joe Merlino / "Liberty lies in the hearts of men and women;
ko...@acs.bu.edu / when it dies there, no constitution, no law,
(std disclaimers apply) / no court can save it." -Learned Hand
T/_/H/_/I/_/N/_/K/_/_/A/_/T/_/_/Y/_/O/_/U/_/R/_/_/O/_/W/_/N/_/_/R/_/I/_/S/_/K/
obmst3k: "Milk: It does a body DEAD!" -Tom Servo
"You're not fully dead unless you're ZESTfully dead." -Crow T. Robot
>We are here to bring a New Heaven On Earth.
Joseph Merlino
Hi gang. This is my first attempt at a misting, so please be gentle.
I apologize if this got posted twice. My news server is acting up.
Mark Meyer
Good MiSTing. I liked everything, including the host
segments, but at the end I was expecting the action to go something
like this...
[While Mike and Tom are arguing about UFOs, Crow looks offscreen.]
Crow: Hey, Mike, there's something outside!
Mike (looks where Crow's looking): Hey, Crow, you're right! Cambot,
get me Rocket #9!
[Cut to exterior shot of SOL. Hovering nearby is the classic example
of a flying saucer. Cut back to interior.]
Mike: There, you see, Tom? THAT'S a UFO.
[Hexfield viewscreen opens to reveal a classic Little Green Man.]
LGM: Hi! I'm Xaxar from the planet Quelm. How's it going?
Tom: Uh, Mike, I hate to disappoint you, but that's NOT a UFO.
Mike: Well, sure it is.
Tom: Mike, UFO stands for Unidentified Flying Object. That object's
not unidentified.
Crow: Oh, yeah, Tom's right. It's a spaceship from Quelm.
LGM: Well, actually, my spaceship is an import, from Napaj.
Crow: Okay, it's a spaceship from Napaj.
LGM: Right. Everyone knows that Napajese ships more reliable than the
domestic models. And they get MUCH better antimatter mileage, too.
My ship gets 43 parsecs per kilolitre in interstellar space, 35 in the
solar system. Handles like a dream, too. Oops, gotta go. I gotta
get to Zeta Reticuli by 9:00. Catch ya later!
[Hexfield viewscreen closes.]
Mike: There, Tom, that's what I was talking about!
Tom: No, Mike, you were talking about UFOs. That was not an
unidentified flying object.
Crow: We identified it.
Mike (starting to loook confused): Well, yeah, but -
Tom: Mike, anyone can just SAY they've seen a UFO. I need good, solid
evidence. I've still never seen a UFO. I'm sorry, but I just don't
buy it.
Mike: But... (Turns to the camera) What do you think, sirs?
--
Mark Meyer | mme...@dseg.ti.com |
Texas Instruments, Inc., Plano, TX +--------------------+
Every day, Jerry Junkins is grateful that I don't speak for TI.
"Would it save you all a lot of trouble if I simply gave up and went mad now?"
Joseph Merlino
I like it, Mark.