MST3Kd: Oceana and $2 DOLLAR BILLS - Part 1/2
TV`s Spatch
in two parts, so share and enjoy!
- spatch -
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
SCENE: SOL interior. Mike is at the counter reading a book labelled
"MY JOURNAL."
MIKE (reading): "SOL Log, Stardate 020792. After repeated attempts to get
my robot friends Tom Servo and Crow to stop saying 'NBC Mystery Movie'
every time they see a flashlight during an experiment, I have decided
to resort to the only solution I see possible... it sounds horrible, I
know, but I fear it's the only way now. Tomorrow, I will start
the ... " (he is interrupted by TOM and CROW, who come in wearing
chef's hats)
TOM: Hey, Mike! Are you all ready to supervise us with our Makit 'n Bakit
oven?
CROW: Yeah, Mike, can we plug in the light bulb now?
MIKE (absent-mindedly): Yeah, guys, go ahead. I guess so. (goes back to
reading, albeit this time silently)
TOM: Mike?
CROW: Whatcha reading, Mike?
MIKE: Oh... nothing, just this journal the other guy left behind.
TOM: Cool! I didn't know Jo - the other guy kept a journal!
CROW: What's it say? What's it say?
MIKE: Come on, you guys feature rather prominently into this journal. I don't
think it'd be nice of me to let you in on his innermost thoughts.
(GYPSY enters)
GYPSY: I already read it. He missed his mom.
CROW: Wha?
MIKE: He also describes in explicit detail the tortures he'd inflict on the
Mads once he got back to Earth and tracked them down, so I don't
think I should read anymore, since my mind's being monitored and
everything.
TOM: Oh, that's OK, Mike, we can read the journal then!
CROW: Yeah! 'Cause we don't got minds! (The bots start 'fighting' MIKE
for the journal. During the struggle, the Commercial Sign lights)
MAGIC VOICE: Commercial sign in 3...
MIKE: Gypsy! Open wide!
GYPSY (wide open mouth): Huh?! (MIKE puts the journal in GYPSY's mouth,
she shuts it)
MIKE: There!
CROW: No fair!
TOM: Yeah!
GYPSY: Hmmhm Hhhmm!!
MAGIC VOICE: Commercial sign now.
MIKE: We got commercial sign. (slaps button)
< COMMERCIAL >
FADE IN: SOL interior. The Bots are at the counter with the journal, GYPSY
has her mouth open.
TOM: Nice work, Crow. Let's read the journal now!
CROW: I can't wait to find out what he said about us! (tries to open the
journal but he can't with his silly arms.) Uh, Tom, I can't get it
open. You try.
TOM: What, are you crazy? My arms aren't better than yours! Maybe if I
blasted the book with my hoverskirt...
CROW: Yeah! Cool! (TOM ducks down under the counter with the intention of
rising up sideways, perhaps?! Well, we don't see what happens because
MIKE walks in now.)
MIKE: Hey, guys, what's up? Why's Gypsy's mouth like that? Does she have
lockjaw or something?
TOM (popping up from under the counter, hastily): No, well, uh, her jaw dropped
'cause she's in shock.
CROW: Yeah, I told her the Richard Basehart Playhouse had closed recently.
GYPSY (doing her best 'cause her mouth's open): NO MAH RICHAD BASHAT! NO MAH
RICHAD BASHAT!
MIKE: No, Gypsy, what he means is that the theatre named after Richard
Basehart closed... Richard Basehart himself didn't, uh ... close.
TOM: That's not what I heard, Nelson, I heard that Richard died last week
in a fiery cataclysmic crash that also took the life of
Saved By The Bell's Mark-Paul Gosselaar!
GYPSY: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!! (drops to the floor)
MIKE: Nice going, Tom, you just made Gypsy faint. (MADS light flashes)
Great, now Zach and Screech are calling. Can it get much worse?
DR.F: Yes, it can, Mac. But that comes later... first we've got
today's invention exchange to consider! Would you like to go
first?
MIKE: Well, I guess so. (brings out a newspaper) My invention this week
is called the Amazing Tree. It's fun, and it's easy to make, too!
All you do is take a bunch of sheets of newspaper like so, a lot of
them really works well.
CROW: Then, you roll the sheets into a tube like Mike's doing right here,
TOM: And then, ask an adult to cut several slits halfway down the sheet
around the tube! Uh, Mike, could you do that for us, please?
MIKE: Sure, Tom! (to camera) And don't forget to use rounded Safety Scissors
so that little hands don't get cut. (cuts the slits in the tube)
CROW: And then, when you're done with that, gently take some of the sheets
where you've cut the slits, and gently pullllllll! (MIKE pulls
and a silly-looking tree "grows" from the newspapers)
TOM: Wow! Neat! Cool!
MIKE: And that's an Amazing Tree!
FRANK: Big deal, Kooky the Klown did that at my last birthday party.
DR.F: Besides, Nickerson, what does it DO?!
MIKE: Uh, nothing, it just looks cool and is fun to make.
DR.F (shaking head): You're not cut out for this sort of work, are you?
Let me show you what a REAL invention is. (FRANK pulls in a
contraption that looks like three VCRs and a TV set.) Now any
aspiring television producer worth his salt knows what a
"Video Toaster" is.
FRANK: That's a device that you use to create really nifty special effects
and 3-D animation for your television show!
DR.F: Thank you, Professor Frank. May I continue?!
FRANK: Oh, by all means, go ahead!
DR.F (through clenched teeth): Thank you. Well, I decided to go one further
on the concept of kitchen appliances. So, voila! I have created
the Video Blender!
FRANK: You can take two entirely separate television programs and blend them
all together, making a new embarassment for network television!
DR.F: Yup! Ain't it a beaut? Let's start it up, shall we? First, we insert
a tape of "Kids In The Hall" in Tape Deck A, then put a copy of
the top 20 music videos in the U.S. in Tape Deck B, hit 'liquefy'...
(Video Blender makes lots of whirring noises, then a tape pops out
of the third VCR) ... and voila!
FRANK: A tape of "The State".
DR.F: Oh, my, that didn't work as well as I thought it should, did it? Let's
try, then, a tape of "Hill Street Blues", added to that a 4-hour
compilation of Looney Tunes, hit "puree"... (more whirring noises,
and another tape is spit out)
FRANK: Now we have 13 episodes of "Bonkers"!
CROW: That's sick and twisted!
MIKE: That's cruel and unusual!
DR.F: And that's television for you, Mark-Paul. Luckily for you your
experiment this week isn't about television.
FRANK: No, it's about funny money. Two dollar bills to be exact.
DR.F: But first, for your torture, a little short entitled "Oceania".
Its logic will astound you. Send them the articles, Frank.
FRANK: What would happen if I put in "Deep Space 9" and "Space Rangers"?
DR.F: Don't think about it!! Send them the articles!!
MIKE and the BOTS: BABYLON 5?!!?! Oh no, we got ARTICLE SIGN!!!
* ... 6 ... 5 ... 4 ... 3 ... 2 ... 1 ...
CROW: Hey, I liked Babylon 5!
TOM: You would, slave for sci-fi.
MIKE: Hush, it's starting.
> If you like cb radio,
TOM: And who doesn't?!
> you probably know one of its chief uses is
CROW: For the Dukes of Hazzard to outwit Boss Hogg.
> in
> the tracking of Smokies,
MIKE: Yep. Them mountains are sometimes hard to find.
> Bears in the Air,
CROW (to MIKE): Do bears really fly back on earth?
MIKE: No, it's just a cute expression.
> County Mounties, and other
> forms of police.
TOM: Like Road Toads!
MIKE: And Statey Mateys!
CROW: Uh, and Freeway Heeways!
TOM & MIKE: Wha?!
CROW: Well, at least it rhymed.
> Wouldn't it be nice
TOM (singing): If we were older?!
MIKE: Then we wouldn't have to wait so long.
> not to have speed limits and
> free up the airwaves for more useful chatter
MIKE: Yes, those two go hand-in-hand.
> (like where to get a
> good meal,
TOM: Try the Stuckey's off of Exit 25. Good grub!
> the latest sports scores, and matters of prurient
> interest)?
CROW: Hey, sports scores _are_ matters of prurient interest! Whatever
that means.
>
ALL: Paragraph break!
> Setting up speed limits and selectively enforcing them has been
CROW: A lot of fun.
> going
> on for decades in America.
MIKE: It was especially tough before they invented the car.
TOM: Oh...
> It is a form of taxation,
CROW: With representation!
> not on people
> who are poor drivers,
TOM: But on people who are fast drivers! It's that simple.
> but on the average Joe
MIKE: How you feeling, Joe?
CROW: Oh, about average.
> who has to get
> somewhere, pronto.
TOM: Pronto! Saddle up Silver! I've got to get somewhere!
> It is especially hard on
CROW: Isn't that supposed to be one word?
MIKE: Crow! You know the rules. We can't do "Crow Makes Sick Jokes And
Mike Silences Him" bits anymore.
> the long-haul trucker
> who gets paid by the mile whether he makes those miles at fifty or at
> eighty.
TOM: But if he goes slower, he gets to see really neat scenery.
CROW: See Howe Caverns! See Howe Caverns!
> And with these new laws against radar detectors in more
> states....
CROW: What about them?!
MIKE: Gee, I really hate people who end sentences in ellipses...
>
ALL: Paragraph break!
> The Federal Communications Act of 1933,
CROW: Was Zeigfeld's biggest hit to date.
> which set up the Federal
> Communications Commission says that any form of radio
TOM: That plays Marky Mark more than two times in a 24-hour period is
not only illegal, but against American values.
> receiver is
> legal, that it is a Federal crime to prevent someone from owning a
> receiver....but the laws against radar detectors keep on coming.
MIKE: Keep those cards and laws against radar detectors coming, kids!
>
ALL: Paragraph break!
> If you're tired of asinine laws that just keep making things more
> expensive,
CROW: Uh, could you be a bit more general, please?
> you should look into the Atlantis Project.
TOM: And then laugh your keister off.
> Our idea is to
> set up a prototype city at sea,
MIKE: Seen it!
CROW: Taped it.
TOM: Cancelled it. 'Cause I'm the president of NBC.
CROW: Huh?
TOM: It's a SeaQuest joke.
> based on artificial platforms in
>
> international waters in the Caribbean.
ALL: Paragraph break.... WHAT TH - ?!
MIKE: I think that was one of the 'artificial platforms' that he's
talking about.
> There will be no taxes, few
> laws, and lots of private ownership.
CROW: In other words, TOTAL ANARCHY!!!
TOM: No taxes? No laws?! Now _there's_ a government that's gonna
sustain itself for a long time!
> Freedom and privacy are
MIKE: Not found in OUR dictionary.
> our
> watchwords.
TOM: Along with "Idiocy" and "Mind-Numbing Stupidity!"
> And from the growing support we get every day,
CROW: From viewers like YOU!
> you can
> bet this place
MIKE: Is gonna sink into the ocean, two, three months tops.
> will need some long-haul truckers before long. Who
> knows?
TOM: Who cares?!
> If our idea of a decent way to run a minimal government
> catches on,
MIKE: Wasn't Oceania the police-state in "1984"?
TOM: Some 'decent' government.
> maybe it will spur some changes back in the States.
CROW: Hopefully, restrictions on who can post to Usenet!
>
ALL: Paragraph break!
TOM: Hoo-whee! This is fun!
> To receive more information by e-mail, send your e-mail address to
> Oce...@world.std.com.
MIKE: We'll be sure David Rhodes gets it and uses it wisely.
TOM: I don't think there's any more left. Let's go. (MIKE picks him
up, they leave.)
1 ... 2 ... 3 ... 4 ... 5 ... 6 ... *
SCENE: SOL interior, as usual. CROW and TOM are at the counter, both with
little CB mikes 'attached' to their hands. They're talking kind of
fast.
TOM: Breaker breaker 1-9, Golden Boy, do you read me?
CROW: 10-4, Gumball Head, I read you loud and clear with a galoot and
a 5-63.
TOM: Blinkie 3, Golden Boy, Blinkie 3. Be careful for the Smokin' Tokin'
Lokin's westbound on I-95, over.
CROW: Ko-dee odee, good buddy! Keep yer peepers peeled for that Mississippi
Hippie who's a-toodlin' his way thru the Evergreen Jungle! (GYPSY
enters, a big CB mike in front of her face.)
GYPSY: Breaking, breaking, nineteen, one hundred and four you boys, come in
for coffee, and don't be late!
TOM: Wha?
CROW: Uh, Gumball Head, I got a L-7 on the Purple Queen.
TOM: Wha?
CROW: Oh, that's a new piece of lingo I heard, Tom. It means 'square'.
GYPSY: I got a shiny new penny, Beeble-13!
TOM: Purple Queen, check your 20 and come back in when the sun's shining
outside, or else we're gonna have to play footsie with your keister
and make you eat at Starvin' Marvin's, over!
CROW: Cheese it, guys, here comes Boss Hogg! (MIKE enters with a policeman's
hat on. He shines a flashlight in TOM's face.)
MIKE (with a southern accent): Do you know how fast you was talkin', boy?
TOM: Uh, yes, officer! I was keeping a careful eye on my speedometer all the
time!
MIKE: I don't think you wuz. I clocked you at 110 WPM, which is definitely
20 WPM over the normal speed limit in these parts. (scribbles on a
Newton, which prints something out) Here's a ticket for you, fastboy.
(leaves)
TOM (reading ticket): "Ticking toon faust, fruity-fave dullards?!" Man, oh,
man, but I HATE PIGS!
CROW (to camera): Are you sick and tired of getting speeding tickets because
you are talking too fast on your CB radio?
TOM (to camera): These speed limits don't affect the guy who talks way too
fast, like the guy on the Federal Express commercial, but rather the
average Joe who just likes to say really stupid things like CB
expressions.
CROW: So come live with us! We're Oceania! We're living in the ocean,
couldn't you tell!
TOM: And we feel that if you're stupid enough to say things like "Peel your
peepers" and "Breaker breaker 1-9", you'll fall for our inane
scheme of artificial platforms!
CROW: So send some money to us today! That's Oce...@sol.com!
TOM: Do it NOW! (commercial sign flashes, MIKE comes back in to hit it.)
MIKE: We got commercial sign, good buddy. Over and out.
-- Part 2 is next --
This MiSTing is intended for entertainment purposes only and is in no way
a personal attack on the original author. All Mystery Science Theater 3000
characters are the property of Best Brains, Inc. which had nothing to do with
this posting in any way. This post is copyrighted (C) 1994 R. Noyes, and
can be distributed freely as long as it remains intact, and that includes
this disclaimer. Turn your lights down where applicable.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
oce...@world.std.com:
> If you're tired of asinine laws that just make things more and more
> expensive,
> you should look into the Atlantis Project.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
--
_____ spa...@titan.ucs.umass.edu
|\ /|
| O | It's not whether you whack the owl with the pole or into the pole
|/ \| whack the owl; it's all the same; the owl is dead. - ancient Russian proverb