Misting:Karen McCoy-A Letter (3/6)

[Cory Mccasland]

(*...2...3...4...5...6...)

(SOL-The Bot's and and the Doctor are just standing around the console,
bored out of their minds.)

Doctor: So, is this *all* you guys do everyday.

Servo: Pretty much.

Crow: Well, we better find *something* to do until Mike gets back with
the TARDIS.

Servo: Well, I have always wondered what it's like to travel in time and
space.
Must be pretty exciting, huh, Doc?

Doctor: Well, usually. But it gets pretty boring when there isn't a
Time Lord bent on revenge, a Bannerman taking hostages at Six Flags...

Crow: ...a companion screaming at 10,000 decibels?

Doctor: I dealt with that when I invested in Joel Robinson's Designer Ear
Muffs.

Servo: Wait, you've seen Joel?

Doctor: Oh yeah, I met him in Australia after he landed on Yahoo Serious.

In fact, he asked me to tell you...

(they are interupted by the Hexfield light going off)

Crow: Somebody's calling! Maybe it's Mike!

(Doctor taps button, and the hexfield opens to reveal a woman in a fancy,

exotic dress)

Doctor: The Rani! What are *you* doing here?

Rani: Well, you're right and wrong, as usual. You see, not only am I
the Rani, but I am also...KAREN MCCOY!

(everyone gasps)

Doctor: How utterly...evil!

Servo: You know, I had a feeling that no one could be as dense and
insane as McCoy.

Rani: Quite right. You see, after my Brain Trust was broken up by you,
Doctor, I decided the only way to get rid of you was to ruin any
chances
of your show ever returning!

Crow: But there will always be the NA's and BBC books.

McCoy: Well, that will be dealt with very soon as well. I've convinced
Stephen Ratliff to send in a proposal. Then I'll...

(a scream interupts Rani/McCoy as a figure in black swings onto screen,
knocking her down. The Rani gets up and begins to struggle with the
figure)

Rani: Web Terrorist! My other eternal enemy!

Web Terrorist: You won't trouble the Doctor anymore with your rants and
lies!

(they continue to struggle, as the Hexfield slowly closes)

Doctor: Hmmm... makes me wonder who the Valeyard's pretending to be.

Servo: Probably Ian Levine.

(sirens begin to sound)

Crow and Servo: MEANINGLESS ATTACK SIGN!!!

(as they rush off, the Doctor mumbles)

Doctor: And I thought UNIT was bad...

(6...5...4...3...2...*)

>>Look at these verbs: Threaten, Harass,

Doctor: Bob Harass?

>> Lie. Look at
the threats:

Crow (web terrorist): If you keep doing this, I'll give out your picture
to every geek on the net!

>>Lawsuits. All pointed at a guy who's just trying to make fans happy and

>>run a convention. Why would anybody be so mean to Bob McLaughlin???

Servo: Because he wanted Pip and Jan Baker to appear.

>>Web terrorist has stated that I did these things to web terrorist, but

>>there simply isn't any proof of it.

Crow: Probably buried along with Rorsharch's diary on a news desk
somewhere.

>> We do, however, have
Bob's word at
>>Visions that this person did threaten him,

Doctor: Those words were, "Help! McCoy's got a gun!".

>> and the
convention, and the
>>enjoyment of fans,

Crow: Isn't in funny how she's trying to make herself out as
The Fan's Champion?
Servo: Karen McCoy-Walking Delusionaly.

>> because they

Doctor: All of a sudden, Web Terrorist is a Borg?
Servo (Borg voice): Resistence is futile. You will be assimilated by the

Who collective.

>> don't want some yahoo
named Karen
>> McCoy

Crow: Or Liam Gallagher.
Servo: Or William Shatner.
Doctor: Or Brannon Braga.

>>to speak at the convention, but neither do they want her to even be
>>there!

Servo: Well, maybe you should take the hint AND GO AWAY!!!

>>What is this person hiding?

Crow: The missing scenes from the TV movie that would have made it TV-M.
Doctor: I swear it was just an innocent kiss!
Servo: Yeah, sure! And what are those whips and chains doing in the
wardrobe?

>>If Karen McCoy is SOOOO EVIL

Servo: And SOOOO IMBECILIC.

>> and this web terrorist
is SOOOO
>> INNOCENT,
>>why doesn't web terrorist want me to appear at Visions '97?

Doctor: Because then no one else will appear!

>>

>> Why is web
>>terrorist trying very hard to destroy the animated series?

Crow: Because web terrorist still remembers the pain of Filmation's
Star Trek.

>>
Why all this
>>fuss?

Servo: Because it's more fun than arguing over whether r.a.dw
should go moderated.

>> All this attention to me? Do you see me spending this kind
of
>>attention on them?

Doctor: Yes, it's right in front of us.

>> Did you know I have similar police records
as well
>> as
>>PSYCHIATRIC RECORDS on web terrorist?

Servo: I doubt a psycho analysis from Dr. Nick counts.

>> I do,
but am I putting this
>> stuff
>>on websites to try and hurt this person?

Crow: No, but drawing all over it in crayon certainly isn't any better.

>>Frankly, I have better things to do with my time

Servo: Like writing the long awaited sequel to Dimensions in Time.

>>
and nothing to hide.

Crow: She makes it *too* easy.

>>I'm too busy trying to bring you

Doctor: Fire!

>> back your show

Crow: Of shows.

>>
to waste time on
>>something petty and small like

Servo: Whining about the great OrmanBlum.

>> character assassination.

Doctor: So what is this post, then?
Servo: A bad nightmare being forced upon us by Puck.

>>
Not that I
>> don't
>>have the ammo...

Crow: Visions will be the next Oklahoma City! KTLA Predicts!

>>Ask yourselves why this person is so vocal and loud about why Karen
>>shouldn't give you back Doctor Who.

Doctor: Because at this point, maybe it is a good idea to switch to
Babylon 5.

>> Ask yourselves
why

Servo: Am I reading this?

>>
they're still
>>trotting out that old tired gunk from Area 9

Crow: Not quite Area 51, but they're trying *really* hard!

>> instead
of happy news about

Servo: The demise of "Ask Harriet".

>>the series. Ask yourselves most of all

Doctor: Who put the sham in the sham-along-a-ding-dong?

>> why a "poor,
innocent fan" would
>>threaten legal action against a fan convention to prevent a single
woman

Crow: Single Female, of undetermined race and questionable sanity, seeks
like minded SM into writing rambling letters and drawing sub-
colouring
book renditions of famous time traveller.

>>they don't even know from speaking at it. Why go through the trouble,
>>unless...

Servo: Yes? Whenever you're ready, McKook!
Crow: Looks like someone has attention defecit disorder.

>>If web terrorist has nothing to hide and is completely innocent, then
>>why is it so important that Karen McCoy not be allowed to even show up

>>at the convention?

Servo: Maybe because web terrorist realises YOU'RE A
COMPLETE NUTJOB!!!

>> Not that I open my mouth and speak,

Crow: Not that I actually use my brain before I talk.

>>
mind you, but
>>this person DOES NOT EVEN WANT ME TO WALK THROUGH THAT
>> CONVENTION'S
>>DOORS...

Doctor: I don't see how one can *ever* get used to that.

>> What is this person hiding from you?

Crow: JNT's bullet riddled body.

>>Be careful, fans.

Servo: Let's be careful out there.

>> Because this person is willing and able to kill
the
>>series,

Doctor: Wouldn't exterminate be a better word?
Servo (Dalek): ATTEMPTS TO RESSURECT THE DOCTOR'S
SERIES ARE FUTILE! YOU WILL BE EXTERMINATED!

>> and their next step will be to try to damage the delicate
>>negotiations at the US major studio Glen told you about,

Crow: Does Spumco really count as a major studio?

>>

>> and at the BBC.

Doctor: Shouldn't she have gone to the BBC *before* all of this happened?

Crow: No, that would imply she had some intelligence.

>>Think about it.

Servo: Won't you? Thank you.

>> This person, who claims to love you so much

Crow: Well, at least *someone* does.

>>

>> and postures

Doctor: And preens.

>>as someone devoted to informing and protecting the fans, is willing to

>>destroy any chance of the series coming back,

Servo: Excuse me? Was web terrorist there trying to stop Peter Segal?
I dooooon't *think* so!

>>
and will DO IT TO
>> HURT
>>KAREN MCCOY.

Crow: Maybe web terrorist is wanting an S&M relationship?

>> Who cares about Karen McCoy???

Doctor: Couldn't have said it better myself.

>>Ask yourselves what kind of Doctor Who fan would do this?

Servo: Someone who wants to save us from your misery.

>>

>> I have an
>>answer for you.

Crow (McCoy): She's really a Trekkie in disguise!

>> This is the work of someone who is not really a
Doctor
>>Who fan, but a Paul McGann fan

Doctor: Wouldn't that be exclusive?
Servo: You *really* don't want to know.

>> who is very, VERY
ANGRY about
>> something,

Crow: The unexplainable popularity of the Backstreet Boys.

>>and nobody except this person knows what it is.

Servo: Show of hands, who knows what it is?
(Doctor, Crow, and every Who fan reading raises their hand)

>>This web terrorist, who really wants you to read

Crow: Excalibur and X-Factor, so Raab and Mackie aren't homeless.
Servo: Too late.

>>
and especially
>> BELIEVE

Doctor: I want to believe McCoy has *some* sanity left in her.

>>their website of police reports and assorted colluvia,

Servo: Colluvia? What the heck does that mean?!
Crow: Doctor?
Doctor: What are asking me for? Just because I'm from an infinitly
advanced race doesn't mean I can understand psycho-ese!

>>
doesn't care
>>about you or the series.

Crow (Jonny): I don't care!

>> They're out for blood

Doctor: And cupcakes.

>> and
they want to see

Servo: *Every* episode of General Hospital ever made.

>>Karen McCoy destroyed,

Crow: They aren't the only ones.

>> even if it costs the fans their
series.

Doctor: Would you STOP trying to make yourself out to be my saviour!!!

>>
You
>> know
>>why?

Crow: What's the use in guessing? You know she'll just come up with
some far-out answer.

>> Because this person is selfish and doesn't care what wrecking
the
>>series does to you.

Servo: Surgeon General's Warning: Wrecking this series may be
hazardous for your health.
Crow: Reading this letter may be hazardous to your heath, too.

>> They're not thinking about you. They're
>> using you as
>>numbers, as statistics, as weapons and ammo

Crow: Sounds like the drug czar.

>> in
their little
>> game of

Doctor: Sepulchasm.

>>

>> "See
>>how I can turn them against you?"

Servo: "And how well you do it by yourself?"

>> And they will lie to
the BBC
>> about me,
>>lie to Hollywood about me,

Crow: Hey, I thought she said web terrorist couldn't get into any
Hollywood studios?

>> and do whatever it takes,

Servo: Even making a deal with Bill Gates.
Doctor: Did I ever mention he's really the Master in disguise?
Crow: Like *that's* any surprise!

>>
wrecking the
>>possible series in the process

Servo: Welcome to the process.

>> because this person wants
to GET
>> ME.

Doctor: Everyone and their mother want to get you, in your eyes.

>>Think about it. They would even destroy Doctor Who: The Animated
>> Series

Servo: Starring Kevin Conroy as the Doctor, Mark Hamill as the Master,
and Adrian Barbeau as the Rani.

>>just to try to "hurt Karen."

Crow: I can think of a lot of ways to "hurt Karen."
Doctor: Particulary with a well aimed TCE.

>> Is Karen worth that?

(all slowly nod yes)

>>
Am I worth that to
>>you?

Servo: I don't know. How much do you think she's worth, Crow?
Crow: I'll say -666 cents.
Doctor: One Venusisan dollar, enough to flatten her.

>> Do you really want this series' only chance to die,

Crow: Sounds like someone has a *serious* Christ complex.

>>
and me to
>> walk

Servo (Steven Tyler): THIS WAY!!!

>>away from it, just because of what one person who's pissed off and
>> has
>>NEVER MET ME IN THEIR LIFE, wants to happen?

Crow: No, because every fan with a brain wants you to walk away!

>>
Do you want to
>> give this
>>person that kind of power?

Doctor: At this point, I'd give Mary Whitehouse that kind of power just
to
SHUT YOU UP!!!

>> Can you sleep well,

Servo: Sure, Nitol puts me right out!

>>
knowing that this web
>>terrorist

Crow: Well, at least she's back to web terrorist instead of "they".

>> will destroy your favorite series over whatever it is
about me
>>that bugs them,

Servo: Ever think that web terrorist and Karen were college roomies, and

web terrorist just hates her hygiene?
Doctor: That's how me and the Master fell out.

>> and can pick up the phone whenever they want and
tell
>>anybody the same lies they've told you?

Servo: You just can't trust Esther Rolle anymore, can you?

>> Do you want
to watch this
>> person
>>ruin the series?

Doctor: No, but they're more than welcome over on Power Rangers.

>> Do you want to wait another ten years for a new
one
>>because of one person?

Servo: Well, Lost in Space fans had to wait thirty years.

>>Are you willing to risk that?

Doctor: I'm beginning to wish those gang members had hit a few more
vital organs.

>>Think about it, and all I want you to ask yourselves is,

Crow: How many licks does it take to get a woman in a frenzy?

>>
what are this
>>person's motives?

Doctor: To ensure you never get your greasy paws on my series.

>> Why are they doing this?

Servo: Because attacking JMS has become so passe.

>> What
kind of person
>> would

Crow: Scream "FIRE!" in a crowded newsgroup?

>>work this steadily, to try to turn people against someone, and even
>>destroy a coming series

(Doctor and Servo look at Crow)
Crow: What? Do I look like the authors of the Discontinuity Guide?!

>> to do it?

Servo: Come on, everybodies doing it!

>>So ask yourselves these questions.

Servo: 1. Is Karen McCoy nuttier than Marvel striking a deal with
Wal-Mart?
Crow: 2. Is she on the run from Hello Nurse, the security guard, and Dr.

Scratch-n-Sniff?
Doctor: 3. Is there any point to this?

>> That's all I ask. I
don't want you to
>>avoid this person,

Servo: I just want you give them an atomic wedgie.

>> or say cruel things about them,

Doctor: Well, how could we ever dare, when you've made an artform
of it?

>>
or ignore their
>>websites or postings.

Crow: Well, that's a relief! My killfile's already ignoring half of r.a.
dw!

>> By all means, read them. If nothing else,

Doctor: It will send the hit-counter through the roof.

>>

>> they're
>>great examples of

Crow: How the internet can never be an entertainment medium.

>> character assassination

Servo: Oh my god, they killed the Doctor! You bastards!

>> and
libel, and are absolutely

Crow: Fabulous.

>>intriguing tours into the penetralia

Servo: What in the all mighty wisdom of Ben Stien does that mean?!
What language is she speaking?
Doctor: A very rare form of Ancient Gallifreyan called "Stuttering
Kookese".

>> of a seriously
diseased mind.

Crow: A mind is a terrible thing to taste.

>>Albeit a mind hiding behind an

Doctor: Assortment of juices and a thick skull.

>> org to conceal the fact
that it's them,

Servo: And not Tito Puente.

>>but a mind I recognize nevertheless...

Crow: Hmmm, I don't remember the sig but the mind is familiar.

>> A truly objective
presented of
>>facts would be truly objective;

Servo: And a truly garbled up sentence would be truly garbled.

>> that's what objective means.
"Never
>>cowardly or cruel..."

Doctor: Always confusing and rambling.

>> These police reports have value.

Crow: Wizard lists them at 50 cents.