MSTed: various shorts (3/3)
Petrea E. Mitchell
> From cmcl2!yale.edu!spool.mu.edu!howland.reston.ans.net!news.
> sprintlink.net
SERVO: Say, guys, have you noticed Gypsy acting a little strange lately?
CROW: Nah.
MIKE: It's probably just her period or something.
> !redstone.interpath.net!ddsw1!a2i!jayjames.a2i!jayjames Wed Sep 28
> 17:02:04 1994
> Newsgroups: misc.invest,alt.fan.dave_barry
MIKE: [singing] One of these groups is not like the other... One of
these groups does not belong...
CROW: Hey, alt.fan.dave_barry! You know what that means?
MIKE: No.
CROW: Boogerboogerboogerboogerboogerboogerboogerboogerboogerbooger...
SERVO: Oh boy.
> Path: cmcl2!yale.edu!spool.mu.edu!howland.reston.ans.net!news.
> sprintlink.net!redstone.interpath.net
CROW: Not to be confused with blakestone.interpath.net.
SERVO: Or perrystone.interpath.net.
CROW: Or limestone.interpath.net.
SERVO: Or oliverstone.interpath.net.
MIKE: Alright, alright, I think they get the joke already.
> !ddsw1
SERVO: What's that line say?
MIKE: D...D...S...W...1.
SERVO: Very good.
> !a2i
SERVO: And that line?
MIKE: A...2...L.
SERVO: Ah, try that again?
MIKE: A...2...um...I!
SERVO: Very good.
MIKE: Ah, the eye-doctor sketch.
> !jayjames.a2i!jayjames
> From: Jay James <jayj...@rahul.net>
CROW: So, basically, this is from Jay James?
MIKE: I bet he's Jesse James's half brother.
SERVO: Really? I thought it always had to be a niece or a nephew or
something...
> Subject: My Last Post! My Last Words! OH THE HUMANITY!
CROW: It's the Hindenburg all over again!
> Message-ID: <CwpoC...@rahul.net>
> Sender: ne...@rahul.net (Usenet News)
> Nntp-Posting-Host: bolero.rahul.net
MIKE: Ah, a Maurice Ravel fan.
SERVO: Or a Donatos Pizza fan.
> Nntp-Posting-User: jayjames
> Organization: a2i network
> X-Newsreader: TIN [version 1.2 PL2]
CROW: X-Men: FOX [kids' show]
> Date: Mon, 26 Sep 1994 00:36:12 GMT
> Lines: 56
> Xref: cmcl2 misc.invest:79065 alt.fan.dave_barry:8097
MIKE: And, turning to the other key indices, exploding cows are up 20%
today.
> Today is my last day as a cyberperson.
SERVO: Since the Mads are sending us his article, I'm guessing that's a
good thing.
CROW: If he's the type who likes to say `cyber'-anything, I probably
won't miss him.
> Like TRON, the plug will soon be
> pulled in a few hours, and Jay James will be no more.
MIKE: So sign off already.
> Rahul will terminate
> me after today--all the King's horses and all the King's men could not
> change his tyrantical mind.
SERVO: "Tyrantical"?
CROW: Tyrannical ant.
SERVO: Sure-- huh?
> (Thanks to all the people who e-mailed me
> anyway...I didn't know being obnoxious could make so many new
> friends...
CROW: All of whom call themselves "postmaster" for some reason...
> hehehe!... maybe I'll try this in real life as well).
MIKE: Hey, go for it, Jay! We'll be waiting with a forklift.
> But you will remember my last words --
SERVO: No matter how much you want to forget them.
> I'm talking to
CROW: Myself.
> the people at misc.invest--just like Captain Hook in Treasure Island
SERVO: What's *he* doing on misc.invest?
> (click on < > for
> sound effects)
CROW: Uh, Jay? You're using TIN, not Mosaic.
> (<> "Pieces O' Eight, Pieces O' Ate, Picies O' 8"); just
> like Captain Ahab in Moby Dick (<> "There She Blows!");
MIKE: <ahem> Please, not on a family newsgroup.
> just like Bret
> Butler to Scarlett O'Hare in Gone with the Wind
SERVO: I have this awful feeling that he really believes this.
> (<> "Frankly my Dear..")
> just like Jay James on investin' in the Stock Market (<> GET OUT
> NOW!!).
MIKE: Uh... was there a joke in there?
CROW: No, of course not, for it to be a joke it'd have to be funny.
>
> Long after I'm gone, my proficy/profitcy/whatever
SERVO: PROFITCY: (noun) A prophecy which one plans to profit immensely
from.
CROW: Hey, it's Prophets for Profit!
MIKE: Now that's REALLY obscure.
> of a STOCK MARKET CRASH
> by years end (the Dow will bottom at 3500 by November, and rebound in
> December) will haunt you...
MIKE: Yeah, as if the Dow isn't going up and down constantly.
> But I won't be around to enjoy it--oh the humanity!
SERVO: Oh, the hubris!
> It does not matter. Like Greg Meadors, I will be around, somewhere,
> somehow, though I won't be posting, to take credit whenever the market
> goes down from here to the end of the year...
CROW: Which year, again?
> and I will not be take any of
> the blame if it goes up. But I post no more forever as Jay James (<>
> "I
> will fight no more forever"--Geranamo, on Geraldo).
SERVO: [hums the chorus of "Heart of the Appaloosa".]
> Many people have asked who I really am...and, now it can be told.
MIKE: I'm Empress Anastasia.
> I really am....
CROW: The Shadow.
SERVO: Coleman Francis.
MIKE: Bert I. Gordon.
CROW: Darkman.
>
> ....
MIKE: A mutant ellipsis.
> ....
>
> really, truly am....
SERVO: An escaped lunatic.
MIKE: A criminal wanted dead or alive.
CROW: Elvis's ghost.
> ....
CROW: ASCII art of a centipede.
>
> .....
MIKE: ASCII art of a millipede.
>
SERVO: ASCII art of a millipede's antennae.
> ~
> ~
> ~
> ~
> ~
> ~
> ~
> ~
> ~
> ~
CROW: <heh> A whole new can of worms, that's what he is.
> MAD VLAD!!!!!
MIKE: Drac's back, and this time he's angry!
SERVO: Will the real Mad Vlad please stand up?... Now sit down... Now go
moo... See, *I'm* in charge of this court!
>
>
>
> Cheers,
CROW: Was filmed before a pre-recorded studio audience.
> --
MIKE: Don't wait up for us, Jay.
> Jay James <jayj...@rahul.net>
> Article: 14673 of alt.startrek.creative
> Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
SERVO: Oh, no, they saved the worst for last.
> Path: caen!hearst.acc.Virginia.EDU!ruacad!rucs2!sratliff
CROW: The *very* worst!
> From: srat...@rucs2.sunlab.cs.runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff)
> Subject: Marrissa Stories
> Message-ID: <Cyyu...@rucs2.sunlab.cs.runet.edu>
> Organization: Radford University
> X-Newsreader: TIN [version 1.2 PL2]
> Date: Tue, 8 Nov 1994 20:45:15 GMT
> Lines: 119
>
>
>
> Note from the Author concerning Who Q? Where Q?
MIKE: Red Q, blue Q.
CROW: He's using the word "author" very loosely here.
> This post is a call for response.
MIKE: And a desperate cry for help.
> Over the last 2 months I have
> posted and Reposted parts 1-10 of Who Q? Where Q?
SERVO: A repeat offender.
> I have not recieved
> anywhere near the amount of response I recieved for Cadet Cruise.
CROW: No hate mail, no unwanted pizza deliveries, no nothing!
> So
> please respond.
SERVO: [weeping] Answer! Please answer! Come on, pick up, I know you're
there!
> Future posts may take a bit longer to arrive.
ALL: Good!
> I have a heavy coarse
> load
MIKE: I'm taking Sandpaper 101.
SERVO: And they're making me repeat every single English class since
third grade!
> with 3 programs due in the next 2 weeks. In addition to that I
> need to write part 11 and 15 and rewrite parts 12-14.
MIKE: Can you imagine what his stories look like *before* he edits them?
CROW: Like "Revenge of the Romulans," probably.
SERVO: He has to go back and fix a few words he accidentally spelled
right.
> Thank you for you letters concerning my story.
CROW: Especially the 10,000 letters from the same address all quoting
everything I've ever written.
> I enjoyed you
> comments and look forward to more such letters.
SERVO: [sings] As we dance to the Masochism Tango!
> Please feel free to
> email or even regular mail me any time with your comments and
> complaints.
CROW: Oh, sure, you say you want comments, but you conveniently leave
out your snail-mail address.
MIKE: His mailman was complaining about the constant ticking in Rat-
liff's packages.
> I am introducing four Captains in these stories one of which
> will be use as a Marrissa's
CROW: "A Marrissa"? There's more than one?!
SERVO: Sure, she's a group intelligence. That's how she can do so much.
> Commanding Officer when she leaves the
> Enterprise please tell me which one you perfer.
MIKE: Can we cast a write-in vote for Captain Bligh?
> Phillip Andrews votes 1
> Human Male age 40
SERVO: Bachelor Number 1 likes cooking, the opera, and long romantic
walks on the beach.
> Star Wars Fan
CROW: Aw, not a crossover on top of everything else!
MIKE: I'm sure it will just be a line or two. [pause] Probably.
CROW: AAAAA!
> "This guy is good." WQWQ part 10
>
> Yuki Yoshida votes 1
SERVO: But is it *bold*?
> Human Male age 38
MIKE: But "Yuki" is a female name, actually.
SERVO: That's a heck of a thing to get particular about at *this* point,
Nelson...
> Won America's Cup for Japan in 2370
> "This is not going to be easy." WQWQ part 6
SERVO: Yep.
CROW: We're right there with ya, buddy.
> Victoria Ohlin votes 4
> Human Female age 37
> "I always wanted to meet that entity." WQWQ part 4
MIKE: So, entity, you come here often?
CROW: The entire spectrum of this woman's life is described by "Human
Female age 37. `I always wanted to meet that entity.'"?
SERVO: Ratliff has a tough time coming up with even *one*-dimensional
characters.
> T'Gwen Washington votes 5
SERVO: Distant relative of Martha.
MIKE: No, Tom, that would be far too cool for this fanfic.
CROW: [annoyed] What the *heck* are you two *talking* about?!
> half-Vulcan half-Human Female age 39
> "Are there not more logical and more effective ways to conduct
> research?" WQWQ part 4
>
> As this story is winding up it is time for the projected
SERVO: He's winding a watch and a projector?
> next
> story for the Kid's crew of the USS Enterprise to be announced ...
'BOTS: NOOOOOOOOOO!
MIKE: Yes, tell us now so that our anxiety-induced nightmares can be
that much more vivid.
> Away from Home ...
SERVO: Isn't that a Golden Bough Album?
MIKE: No, that's _Far From Home_.
> A three part story ...
CROW: Beginning, middle, and end?
> The field trip
MIKE: Strange happenings at the Exploratorium.
> set TNG season 6
> See how the Kid's crew orginated in a tragic
> shuttle crash.
CROW: Tragically, they all survive.
MIKE: Isn't Marrissa a little young to have an untold origin?
SERVO: Poor kid. She's 12 years old and she's already being retconned.
> The Away Mission
> set TNG after 'All Good Things ...'
> Marrissa's first away mission. Rescue the kidnapped
> children of (planet name to be decided).
CROW: I guess all the good collections of random consonants are already
taken.
> The Chase
MIKE: Starring Charlie Sheen.
> set after ST: Generations
> Marrissa has been Kidnapped.
CROW: And the Daleks have built a time machine.
SERVO: Must be another "Ransom of Red Chief" ripoff.
> Now the scattered crew
> of the Enterprise must chase her kidnappers down
MIKE: And thank them!
> Interducing ...
CROW: Ow.
> The Trakce
SERVO: Trakce? Where did he come up with a dumb name like that?
MIKE: Simple. He knows someone with the last name Eckart and he thought
he could impress them by putting their name spelled backwards into
a story.
SERVO: That's the stupidest way to impress someone I've ever heard.
CROW: Tell that to Jodie Foster.
> A new alien race ... hostile to the Federation.
SERVO: Ooh, *there's* a new idea...
MIKE: They're angry because the Federation cut off education and health
services to migrant Tracke farmworkers.
> The Stargazer (refited)
> Captain Picards old command beginning refit to become
> the Federation's first Fighter Carrier in 50 years,
CROW: Gee, I wonder where they'll find a good fighter pilot.
> not yet ready for service
SERVO: Much like Ratliff's writing.
> Featuring ...
>
> Captain Scott
> Recently returned to service.
> Risa
> Where Marrissa was kidnapped.
MIKE: How come he's introducing a planet like it's a character?
SERVO: Hey, don't talk about Scotty like that!
> Staring ...
CROW: In horror at yet another terrible sequel...
> Marrissa Amber Flores
SERVO: Herbert Walker Louis Stevenson Cougar Arnold Fortensky Mellencamp
"Buffy"...
> Picard
> Captain USS Enterprise's Kid's crew
> rank none,ensign,lieutenant j.g.
MIKE: This is even harder to pin down than O'Brien's rank.
> Jay Gordon
> First Officer Ent. K.C. (first 2 stories only)
SERVO: Hmm, I sense a thinning of the pack ahead.
> rank none
> Clara Sutter
> Cheif Engineer Ent. K.C.
CROW: So that would make her a K.C. Chief?
MIKE: Yeah, she's a good officer on paper but she'll fold in the big
game.
> First Officer Ent. K.C. (last story)
SERVO: Last story? Hallelujah!
CROW: I think he means "latest", not "last".
> rank none
MIKE: Oh, c'mon! I always thought these characters were *very* rank.
SERVO: Heh.
> Jean-Luc Picard
> Captain USS Enterprise
CROW: Well, thanks for clearing *that* up!
> Also Staring
MIKE: ...in disbelief, Ratliff's 3rd-grade English teacher!
CROW: [old woman voice] Stevie was such an imaginative boy, but I had
hoped his spelling would improve just a little...
> Commander William T. Riker Lt.Commander Data
>
> Counselor Deanna Troi Doctor Beverly Crusher
>
> Lieutenant Worf Lt.Commander Geordi LaForge
>
> Shayna Sachs Admiral Necheyev
SERVO: And the appropriately named Lieutenant Not-Appearing-In-This-Fan-
fic.
> -----------------------
>
> This story is only in outline form and I will no way garrenty
CROW: That the reader will survive the terrifying ordeal of reading it.
> its arrive on the internet much less its completion.
ALL: [much cheering and rejoicing]
> However I believe
> that it will be done and I would like your input on this projected
> story.
SERVO: Dear Ratliff: Stop writing, in the name of all that is holy,
please please please STOP!
> Comments on this and any other posting are directed to the
> following address :
MIKE: Happydale Sanitarium, New Jersey.
> srat...@rucs2.sunlab.cs.runet.edu
>
> Thank you for your time.
SERVO: [Frank Bartles voice] And thank you for your support.
> Live long and prosper
CROW: Mike, if I ever use that phrase as a closing, I want you to kill
me.
> Stephen Ratliff
>
>
SERVO: It's over! Oh God, run for your lives!
>
...o...2...3...4...5...6...*
[Morale is at an all-time low on the SoL bridge. Mike is hugging Servo
and Crow, who are crying.]
SERVO: It's no good, Mike! There's no light left in the world!
CROW: I give in to Ratliff. I can't fight any more!
MIKE: Well, he hasn't actually posted his new fanfics yet. Maybe... may-
be he'll learn the error of his ways before then.
CROW: Mike, we're talking about a university student who can't spell
"ignore"!
SERVO: So this is how it ends, drifting all alone in the night... but
hark... what strange music is this I hear?
[All fall silent. Faint electronic music and the sound of a motor can be
heard.]
MIKE: Oh, we must have left one of the trains running.
[Both 'bots stare off-screen toward the source of the sounds, seemingly
mesmerized.]
MIKE: Hang on a second.
[He heads off-screen, and the sounds stop. Then he hurries past in front
of the counter, laying some plastic G scale track on it. He comes back
to his spot behind the counter holding a model train control, and a G
scale circus train comes into view, running slowly. Lights on the vari-
ous cars flash in amusing ways, and some part of it is playing cheesy e-
lectronic music.]
SERVO: Ah, the old G scale circus train. Inane, hackneyed, and yet...
strangely uplifting.
CROW: Yeah... I do feel better! Hey, Mr. 15-part-opus Ratliff, I dare
you to quash this!
SERVO: You'll never destroy us as long as we have... [speaks in awed
tones] the circus train!
MIKE: That's the spirit! I think. I mean, it's just a model train...
SERVO: [launching himself at Mike] UNBELIEVER!!
MIKE: Okay, okay! [gives the 'bots a hug]
[Gypsy practically dances past.]
MIKE: Hey, Gypsy, what's up?
GYPSY: Oh, I was seeing this guy, but we broke up, and I was getting
mad, but I got even instead.
CROW: Uh, that's very... interesting, Gypsy. [whispers to Mike] What's
she talking about?
[Mike shrugs, and mouths, "Humor her." The Mads button flashes.]
SERVO: Hey, Oyarsa's calling.
<>
[Frank is holding the papers again.]
FRANK: [reading directly from paper] "Well, I hope you enjoyed your
painful demise. Push the button, Frank." Oh, that's what I'm sup-
posed to do. I wonder what else there is... [looks at next sheet
of paper] "Frank, just push the button. FRANK!!!"
[The console emits a loud <ZORCH> and begins to smoke.]
FRANK: Oh, great... [checks console] oh, it was just a power surge.
[types a couple things in] Uh, system check... "cannot read /usr
/home/imthegod"? My "Baywatch" GIFs... Nooooo! <sniffle> Why?
Why?
<>
[Gypsy laughs evilly as Mike and the 'bots edge away from her.]
MIKE: Guys, we gotta spend more time with her.
<>
[Frank, still sniffling, collapses, hitting the button in the process.]
\ | /
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-- 0 --
/ | \
/ | \
<fwshhh>
MSTed by Frank Barletta <fpb...@pitt.edu>,
Mike Barklage <bark...@ucsu.colorado.edu>,
Steve Brinich <ste...@digex.net>,
Todd Gilbert <tgil...@salsa.abq.bdm.com>,
Claye Hodge <crh...@delphi.com>,
Matthew Miller <rmi...@infinet.com>,
Petrea Mitchell <pr...@mvp.com>, (Ye Editor)
& Mark Sachs <sa...@crayola.cse.psu.edu>
Host segments by Petrea Mitchell
Special thanks to Frank Gulczinski and Tris Heydt
Mystery Science Theater 3000, its characters, situations, merchandise,
and hamsters all copyright 1995 Best Brains, Inc. This MSTing not en-
dorsed, authorized, or supported by anybody. Not intended as a personal
attack on Michael Doyle, Lawrence Canter, Martha Siegel, Alan Arthur,
Tony Franklin Hill, Jose Oquendo, Glenn Quest, 6937131, Elizabeth L.
Moore, Jay James, or Stephen Ratliff, but the editor does hope that they
will learn a little something about life.
If you'd like to MSTify some deserving piece, contact <misties-request
@jg.cso.uiuc.edu> to join the "dibs" mailing list.
> This is the first of any number of isane ramblings