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MiSTed: ALERT!! Scientific Creationism

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Warren vonRoeschlaub

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May 7, 1994, 4:23:41 PM5/7/94

The usual stuff here I guess. This is at the end too, but
for all the knee jerks out there: if you want to whine about
the subject of the original post, take it to an appropriate
newsgroup.

Thanks to James G. Acker (jga...@neptune.nasa.gov) for
extry special help, especially the spelling stuff and the
puns.

------

Crow: (deep voice) I am your second cousin twice removed Luke. Turn to the
mediocre side of the force.
Mike: Never!
<As they continue fighting Gypsy and Tom Servo walk in. Gypsy has bagels
strapped to the side of her head. Tom is wearing a vest over a white
turtleneck, wearing what appears to be a mini wig.>
Tom: (to Gypsy) Well, aren't you going to kiss me good-bye?
Gypsy: I'd rather kiss Richard Basehardt.
Tom: I can arrange that.
Gypsy: (breaking character, or what little character there was) You CAN?!?
Magic Voice: Commercial sign in fifteen seconds.
<They all pause as they realize the camera is on.>
Mike: Oh, hi. It's movie night here at the Satellite of Love, but we have to
act out our favorite parts since the only way to get a good movie is to
trick Frank into sending us one.
Tom: And even when that happens he usually sends up a crummy remake.
Crow: Or even a crummy original. We have four copies of "The Wizard of Oz"
and not one stars Judy Garland! Of course, if Tom had just . . .
Tom: Don't you go blaming that on me! How was I supposed to know the first
part wasn't black and white?
Crow: Tom, *everyone* knows it was sepia tone.
<the robots continue arguing in the background.>
Mike: Sorry, folks, we'll be right back.

---------------------------
2,357 commercials, 1,425 of which are for Zima. The remaining 932 are for
other CC shows with Penn voice-overs that make it obvious he hasn't even seen
a single episode of them.
---------------------------

Tom: Oh, like there is a remake of a classic movie that *doesn't* star Kate
Jackson?
<mad's light flashes>
Mike: Hey, cool it, Phil and Oprah are calling.

Dr. F: Well, good to see you're bickering. There never can be too much
malice. Why don't you go first with the invention exchange.

Mike: Okay, well, since the idea of the belt and suspenders went out with bri-
nylon shirts and platform shoes, men have faced the many dangers
associated with loose pants.
Tom: And nowhere has this danger been more evident that in the field of repair
men.
Crow: That's right. How often have you invited a plumber into your home, only
to end up seeing more human anatomy than an entire semester in a high
school biology class?
Mike: That's why we invented the blue-jeans blue-tack.
Tom: Allow us to demonstrate.
<Mike stands up showing that he is wearing a *huge* pair of jeans. The waist,
however, appears to be rather thoroughly fastened to his jumpsuit,
despite the obvious lack of a belt.>
Crow: Pretty neat, huh?

Dr. F: Interesting. But how do you get it off?
<Quick shot of Mike with a sudden worried look on his face.>
Dr. F: Anyway, our invention was inspired by today's post. Everyone knows
those adorable hairy freaks: the treasure trolls. But we have invented .
. .
<Frank pulls out what he had behind his back. If looks like a small pirate's
chest, but in is closed.>
Frank: The troll treasure.
Dr. F: Yes. Just state anything you want: "Frank, I see you did well on your
SATs."
Frank: And open the box.
<Frank opens the box, inside is what appears to be tiny gold coins.>
Box: The SATs don't measure anything worthwhile. The only people who do well
are ignorant boneheads.
<Frank closes the box.>
Dr. F: The troll treasure is guaranteed to start an argument or your money
back.

Gypsy: Why would someone want to start an argument?
All: Yeah!

Dr. F: Well, why don't you ask the author of today's post? Push the button
Frank.
<Both chuckle evilly as Frank pushes the button.>

<SoL>

All: Ahhhh, post sign . . .

*...5...4...3...2...1...

Crow: I don't like the looks of this, guys.
Tom: Oh, come on. It's just a little troll. How bad could it be?

>Article: 70962 of talk.origins

Mike: Well, that's a bad start.

>Path:news.iastate.edu!newsrelay.iastate.edu!newsxfer.itd.umich.edu!news1.oaklan
>nd.edu!news.nd.edu!rottweiler!mel
>From: m...@rottweiler.ee.nd.edu (Melvin Gladstone)

Crow: It's not looking good, folks.

>Newsgroups: talk.origins,alt.fan.melvin-gladstone

Tom: He cross posted it to his own fan club?

>Subject: ALERT!! Scientific Creationism

All: Ahhhhhhh!
Tom: Well, at least it isn't about abortion.
Mike: Shhh, don't give him any ideas.

>Date: 25 Apr 1994 22:20:25 GMT
>Organization: Ruprecht's Lizard Emporium

Crow: Internet access at a pet store? Who's he trying to kid?

>Lines: 59
>Message-ID: <2phfn9$8...@news.nd.edu>
>NNTP-Posting-Host: rottweiler.ee.nd.edu

All: Woof!

>I will now present a scientific theory of creationism as is required by
>the FAQ to impress the regulators of talk.origins.

Tom: Hey, talk.origins is unregulated.
Crow: Yeah, but at least he read the FAQ.
Mike: Or so he says.

> To be a scientific
>theory I must include three things in the theory.

Crow: A check made out to "cash", the keys to a Porsche 911, and a case of
beer.

> It must be predictive,

Tom: So "psychic friends" are a scientific theory?

>it must be falsifible,

Mike: Not to be confuse with the Bible.
Crow: The Falsifible is a wholly errant text.
Mike: I have an aunt who takes it illiterally.

> and it has to have a way to be tested.

Tom: Uh, isn't that the same thing as being falsifiable?

>First we must deal with the Holy Bible. The Bible is true but it does
>not explain

Tom: Elevator music?
Crow: Why Henry Kissinger looks exactly like Boris Yeltsin?
Mike: This incredibly stupid post?

> creation except to say the God created the world.

Tom: Oh, thank goodness. I was worried it was Donald Trump.

> The
>story is not a scientific explanation so I will not discuss/defend it
>here.

Crow: Hey, maybe this guy has some brains after all.

> If you bring up something from the Holy Bible and place it in
>my theory it will be a herring and I will ignore it.

Crow: Why? Just for the halibut?
Tom: Quit carping, you hammerhead.
Mike: This is giving me a haddock. If you don't perch these puns right now
I'm docking your salmonry.
Crow: (mumbling) What a crab.

>Evolution does not explain how life originated on earth but it

Tom: Does explain how it appeared on mars.

> attempts
>to explain how we get the diversity of species. I will therefore not
>get into how God created the earth but rather how His hand has guided
>the development of the animals.

Mike: I guess He didn't have anything to do with the plants.

>The first animals were simple and lived in the ocean. This is not a
>point of distention

Mike: Hey, then he can eat more.

> between me and old evolutionists.

Crow: Though I do disagree with the young evolutionists.

> I will call my
>theory

Mike: "The Law of Gravity."
Tom: Mike, I think that one has been taken.
Mike: (disappointed) It has?

> "neo-evolution" because it is like evolution but improved.

Crow: How modest.

>The simple animals did not evolve into dinosaurs,

Tom: They evolved into infomercial hosts.

> they were replaced
>by the dinosaurs by God.

Mike: Then later with the vegimatic by Ronco.

> This is why a dinosaur is much different
>than a trilobite.

Tom: Really? And I always thought it was because one is a reptile and the
other is an arthropod.

> It is not difficult to see how evolution could turn
>a lizard into an allosaurus

Crow: But the transition to the mostosaurus is a bit confusing.

> all it has to do it get larger and with
>a slightly different shape

Mike: Glad to see his knowledge of paleontology is almost as good as his
knowledge of biology.

> and this evolution took place amoung the
>lizards which God created. A trilobite did not suddenly give birth to
>a lizard which decided it would rather live on land and then just left.

Tom: Who said that happened?

>After the dinosaurs have evolved for a while they were replaced by

Crow: Zima.

>mammals

Tom: But, but, . . . mammals co-existed with the dinosaurs.

> which evolved from the prodotype of feline, rodent, bovine, etc.
>which God created.

Crow: And hobbits evolved from the frodotype.

>Most recently we see that God has created a series of improving humanoids.
>First we have Astropithecuses

Mike: Wasn't that a 70's cartoon show?

> like Lucy. These yielded to homoerectuses,
>then sapiens.

Tom: I wish this guy was sapient.

>Here are the essential differences between old-evolution, fundamentalist
>creationism and "creato-evolutionism" as I will terminate my theory.

Crow: Boy *I'd* like to terminate this theory.

>1. old-evolution - predicts continuous line of descent from trilobite
> to man, unaided by God.

Mike: Hey, you mean my ancestors weren't conodonts?
Crow: I guess that explains your chitinous exoskeleton, eh Mike?

>2. fundamentalist creationism - all creatures created simultaneously by
> God ~6000 years ago.

Tom: Gee, I thought that took six days.

>3. creato-evolutionism - sequence of periods during which animals evolved
> until they were replaced by higher forms by God.

Mike: If they evolved and then were replaced with the same thing, what's the
point?

>Predictions of creato-evolutionism:

Tom: During this year a celebrity male will marry a celebrity female.
Crow: Some time, within the next six months, someone with much power will get
sick.
Mike: Scientists will discover a cure for ingrown toenails.
Tom: (upset) Mike, you're supposed to make a vague prediction so it is more
likely to be true.
Mike: Well I didn't say when.
Tom & Crow: Ohhhhhh.

> long periods of evolution when the animals
>do not change much, such as the paleozoic when there were dinosaurs,

Tom: (sarcastically) Oh yeah, all dinosaurs were exactly the same. (normally)
It's hard to believe someone thinks that Australopithecine and Homo
Erectus were separate creations but Raptors and Diplocids shared a common
ancestor.

> and the
>iceage when there were Mammoths and Lucy.

Crow: Strange how God let the dinosaurs go for 140 million years, but cut the
Mammoths off after a lousy 500 thousand. I guess he was trying to beat a
deadline.

> Creation events when there were
>wholesale replacements of one sort of animal with another.

Mike: That's right, everything must go. Forget retail, come in to animals "R"
us.

>As you can see my theory is closest to the available scientific evidence.

All: What?!?

> Here
>is a simple example: Fundamentalist creationism cannot explain

Mike: Why "Full House" got renewed.

> dinosaurs having
>been here over 2 billion years before Adam and Eve.

Tom: Ummm, early seating?

> Old-evolution allows dino-
>saurs but predicts there be a half-dinosaur/half-man which there isn't.

Mike: (to Crow) And you thought he read the FAQ.

> My theory
>predicts what we have found.

Crow: Not much of a prediction if we already found it.

>Melvin M. Gladstone

Tom: Does anyone else think that sounds like a grade-school prank?
Mike: Let's go.
<They get up and leave>

1...2...3...4...5...*

Crow: Mike, Tom and I have been talking . . .
Mike: You have? But we just got out of the theater.
Crow: Ahem. (slow and emphatic) We were just talking . . .
Mike: Oh. Ohhhhh. Yes, about what?
Tom: Why would anyone want to post such obvious flame-bait anyway?
Crow: Yeah. I mean, even if he succeeded wouldn't he have ended up with a
flooded mailbox and maybe even crashing the computer he uses, what's the
point?
Mike: You seem to have forgotten what time of year it is.
Crow & Tom: Huh?
Mike: This post was sent out April twenty-fifth. Just a few weeks before
graduation at most colleges.
Crow: Oh, now I see. He's probably a graduating senior, already got a job . .
.
Tom: And eager to do that one stupid thing he never had the guts to do when he
was at risk.
Mike: Exactly! Does that clear it up?
Crow: Sure. It also means we probably won't be seeing stuff like this for
another year.
Tom: That's a relief.
Mike: Always look on the bright side. What do you think sirs?

Box: That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard. What kind of moronic
overly-optimistic imbecile would think trolls will stop just because the
authors run a risk of loosing their account. Push the button Frank.
<Frank goes to push the button. Dr. F grabs his arm.>
Dr. F: Frank, *I'm* the one paying you. *I* say when to push the button.
<Long, uncomfortable pause.>
Dr. F: Okay, push the button Frank.

>Click<

--------------------------------------
The Characters and names used in this post are the sole property of Best
Brains Inc. They could probably sue my butt off, but hopefully won't because
you can't squeeze blood from a stone. I'm also hoping that if they see this
they'll think it's a laugh and not kill me for whatever goofy law some lawyer
can find that I violated. This is not meant as a personal attack on Melvin
Gladstone, or particularly on his behavior. If you are going to whine about
Creationism move it to an appropriate news group (i.e. talk.origins).
--------------------------------------

>Here are the essential differences between old-evolution, fundamentalist
>creationism and "creato-evolutionism" as I will terminate my theory.

--
Warren Kurt | By virtue of being correct, the opinions expressed
vonRoeschlaub | above could not conceivably be those of ISU.
If Kurt says something weird, you might want to check
http://www.public.iastate.edu/~kv07/

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