[MiSTing] "Trials and Tubby-lations" [Teletubbies/VOY/X-Files] [1/5]
Matthew R Blackwell
Original Stories by: Sasscat Bu-to-y, Deslea R. Judd, and
Mary Wiecek.
MiSTing by Matthew Blackwell, Doug Atkinson, and Andrew Perron
[Season 9 Opening]
[The scene opens upon the bridge of the Satellite of Love. The
usual occupants of the Bridge are absent. Rather, four brightly
colored, fuzzy humanoid beings, each standing between 8-10 feet
tall, romp about the Bridge. After a few moments, Mike Nelson,
dressed in a bathrobe, and Gypsy enter from opposite sides of the
Bridge. Neither seems to notice the other occupants.]
Gypsy: Morning Mike!
Mike: [Yawning] Morning Gypsy.
Gypsy: Did you catch the game last night?
[The yellow colored being walks over to Gypsy and begins to stare
intently at her from mere inches away.]
Mike: Yeah. I can't believe that the Cubs lost again.
[The red being begins to speak in a childish voice.]
Red: Eh oh. 'Ubs 'ost.
Gypsy: You'd think that having Sosa on the team would help them
win some games, but no.
Mike: They're cursed. [Yawn] Is the coffee ready?
[The large blue humanoid walks over to Mike carrying a coffee
cup. Mike takes the cup from him without glancing at him and
begins to drink.]
Mike: Ummm. Thanks Gypsy. That's damn fine coffee.
[The beings begin to talk in unison.]
Beings: Offie! Offie!
[Mike continues to drink his coffee. Gypsy merely stands there.
After a moment or two, a dazed looking Tom Servo enters from
the left, staring at something offscreen.]
Tom : Mike, did you create another robot, something that looks
like a vac... [He turns and sees the others.] AHHH!!!!
[Mike and Gypsy look at Crow with a confused look on their
faces.]
Mike: What?
[Crow T. Robot enters from stage right.]
Crow: Mike! You've got to see this! There's this giant baby's face
on the sun and... [He skids to a stop as he spots the
newcomers.] Yikes!
Mike: What 's wrong with you two?
Crow: What are those... things?
Mike: Huh? [Mike turns and nods.] Wow. I have no idea who they
are. I didn't notice them before.
Tom : Mike, they've been standing less than five feet away from
you! How can you say that you've never seen them before?
Mike: Tom, you know how I am in the morning before I've had my
coffee.
Tom : Oh. Yeah. You are pretty oblivious to the world without
caffeine.
Crow: [Mumbling] And with it too.
Tom : Well..., Gypsy! Why didn't you do something?
Gypsy: I thought they were friends of Mike's.
[The Castle Forrester light on the command console begins to
flash. ]
Mike: Hold on. I think that Nancy Drew and the Hardy Boys might
have something to do with this.
[Mike hits the flashing light.]
[Castle Forrester]
[Pearl stands in the foreground. Observer stands beside her
while Bobo stares out the window. They all wear battle fatigues.]
Pearl: Good morning Mike. [She glances down.] Nice robe. [She
glances behind Mike.] I see that you met your little
guests.
[SoL]
[Mike is zipping up the top of his jumpsuit.]
Mike: Yeah, we did. Who are they?
[The humanoids become animated at this point and begin to jump
around. A unseen female voice begins to speak in a sing-song
voice.]
Narrator: [v.o.] Over the hills and far away, the Teletubbies
come to play!
Tom : The hell?
Mike: [Uneasily] Magic Voice?
Magic Voice: [v.o.] Don't look at me.
Narrator: [v.o.] Tinky winky.
[The blue Tubby steps forward.]
T-W: Tinky Winky!
Crow: Tinky Winky? Nah. Too easy.
Narrator: [v.o.] Dipsy.
[The green Tubby hops forward.]
Dipsy: Dipsy!
Tom : [To Mike] That was Donald Duck's girlfriend, right?
Narrator: [v.o.] Laa Laa.
[The yellow Tubby steps forward.]
Laa Laa: Laa Laa!
Tom : [Huffily] Hrmph. That's *our* line.
Mike: Actually, it's Pearl's.
Narrator: [v.o.] Po.
[The red Tubby jumps forward.]
Po: Po!
Crow: That's one 'o'.
[The tubbies begin to dance around. Mike looks around the bridge
for a moment, as if looking for something. Finally, he turns back
to the camera.]
Mike: I think that's all of them. Well Pearl, is there a reason
why they're here?
[Castle Forrester]
Pearl: Of course! You see, I've run out of the money that I
collected from my telethon, and I'm going to Vegas soon,
so of course, I needed more moola. So, I thought that I'd
head back to that PBS cash cow. And what better way to get
money than to milk it out of the parents...
[SoL]
Tom : Aren't most parents these days Gen-Xers, a group well known
for their lack of money?
[Castle Forrester]
Observer: [Mumbling] That's what I told her, but did the pathetic
corporeal listen?
Pearl: Quiet. Anyway, I thought that we'd get scads of loot if we
had child friendly characters aboard your little ship, so
I acquired these guys' services. They're apparently very
popular with the kiddies. [shrug] Go fig.
Bobo: Lawgiver, they're building a cannon!
Pearl: That's why I gave you the boiling oil.
[SoL]
Mike: A cannon?
[Castle Forrester]
Pearl: [Sheepishly] Well, when the other kids' shows heard about
the crossover, they decided to try and storm the Castle.
I think they're after the grant money that we're getting
from the Chubb group. Anyway, for your experiment today,
we've gathered together three pieces of fanfic from the
internet that deal with your little guests there.
Bobo: Lawgiver! The cast of Baywatch just showed up and they're
grabbing all of the oil!
[Pearl sighs.]
Pearl: [To Mike] Prepare for deep hurting, Michael. [To Bobo]
Bobo, if the oil isn't working then start throwing
things at them.
Observer: Pearl! For the love of all that is holy, NO!
Pearl: [With sudden realization] Bobo! No! Not that!
[SoL]
[The lights are flashing. The Tubbies seem to be fascinated by
the lights.]
Crow: Boy, it took us all day to clean up the satellite after
Bobo threw his...
Mike: Don't go there, Crow. Anyway, we've got, um, Tubby sign.
[Mike shrugs, then hits the light. The door sequence begins and
we can hear the Tubbies' "oohs" and "ahs" and "Eh ohs" as the
door sequence commences.]