MiSTed: Safety First [ 2 / 4 ]
Joseph Nebus
[ THEATER. ALL file in. ]
TOM: I can't wait for this.
> From: johnn...@aol.com
CROW: The 9 is to distinguish him from all the other Johnny Pezzes on AOL.
> (Johnny Pez)
> Newsgroups: alt.books.isaac-asimov
> Date: 13 Sep 2001
JOEL: Two years after the Moon was blasted out of orbit.
> 05:40:49 GMT
> Subject: Safety First - version 2.0
TOM: They fixed the bug where the first version ran with scissors.
>
> As requested by Joseph Nebus, here is "Safety First" with a
> middle added.
JOEL: Thanks, Joseph, we needed more adventure in our lives.
>
> "Safety First"
TOM: Line dancing second.
>
> By Johnny Pez
[ JOEL hums the "Jonny Quest" theme. ]
TOM: Johnny Pez.
>
> The Three Laws of Robotics.
CROW: The *what*?
TOM: *Laws*? On *us*?
JOEL: I knew we'd have to have this talk someday.
>
TOM: Since when do we follow laws?
CROW: Can't we write to our Congressman or something?
JOEL: You don't even know what they are yet.
> 1. A robot may not injure a human being,
CROW: Except Val Kilmer.
[ TOM snickers. ]
> or, through
> inaction, allow a human being to come to harm.
[ TOM, CROW titter. ]
JOEL: I don't have a good feeling about this.
>
> 2. A robot must obey the orders given it by human beings
[ CROW laughs openly. ]
TOM: [ Giddy ] You know, alphabetical, numerical, that sort of thing.
> except where such orders would conflict with the First Law.
CROW: [ Through laughs ] Yeah, would you like fries with that?
>
JOEL: See, I told you guys you had to clean the load pan bays.
[ TOM, CROW quiet for a moment, look at JOEL, and resume laughing. ]
> 3. A robot must protect its own existence
CROW: [ Calming down ] By going back in time and seeking out Sarah Connor.
> as long as such
> protection does not conflict with the First or Second Law.
JOEL: And if there's nothing good on TV.
TOM: Fourth Law. A robot must be allowed to win when playing "Sorry."
CROW: Fifth Law. A robot must be darned cute and, where possible,
a pleasing golden yellow in color.
TOM: Ahem. Sixth Law. Red, hovering robots get to pick which
cartoons we're watching today.
JOEL: [ Touching their shoulders ] Seventh Law. The robots are to
knock off that coming into my room, turning off the alarm clock,
and going back to sleep, OK?
CROW, TOM: [ In unison, dutifully ] Yes, Joel.
>
[ CROW and TOM snicker. ]
> Aphrodite Station,
JOEL: It's a beautiful place.
> Venus AD 2020
CROW: Is it Tuesday? It feels like a Tuesday.
TOM: Venus A.D.! This fall on CBS.
>
> Michael Donovan
JOEL: [ Raising his hand ] "Present."
> glared out at the always-changing cloudscape
> visible beyond the viewport.
CROW: And conversely did not glare out at the cloudscape not visible
not outside the viewport.
JOEL: What?
> He and Gregory Powell had been here on
> Aphrodite Station for two days,
TOM: But days on Venus are over a year long.
> and they were no closer to solving
> the Reluctance Problem than they had been to begin with.
TOM: Did you try saying "please"?
JOEL: Or taking away their "Tiny Toons" videotapes?
CROW: Hey!
>
> Behind him, Powell was in the middle of interviewing robot
> RTR-17.
JOEL: [ As Powell ] "So if you did get the job, what do you think
you could bring the Burger King corporation?"
>
> "Arthur," said Powell,
CROW: [ Snickering ] A robot named Arthur.
JOEL: I almost named you Arthur.
[ CROW's beak hangs open. ]
TOM: Dudley Moorebot 6000.
> "you know perfectly well that
> Aphrodite Station was never in any serious danger of losing total
> buoyancy."
TOM: I mean, we built the station out of bubble wrap, what do you *want*?
>
> "I know no such thing," Arthur replied. "I was *told* that
> the station was not in danger of losing buoyancy.
CROW: And as a result, I [ trailing the word off, as if falling ]
knooooooooooooooooooooooowwwwww..... (Sploosh!)
> My experience
> during the emergency sixteen days ago demonstrated to me that there
> *is* an appreciable danger of losing buoyancy.
JOEL: "And between this and the Easter Bunnybot thing, I'm having
a hard time taking you seriously anymore."
> I must evacuate all
> the humans from this station before that happens.
TOM: Overboard you go!
> Please reactivate
> my motor controls."
CROW: Especially the control that keeps me from eating cheesecake --
it goes right to my thighs.
>
> "Arthur," said Powell, "I've explained the steps that have
> been taken to prevent any recurrence of the accident."
JOEL: We taped a big "NO" sign over the "crash into the surface
of Venus" button, and we're looking seriously at getting rid
of that button completely.
>
> "I agree," said Arthur, "that that particular type of
> accident has been safely guarded against.
CROW: At least, as long as Underdog *does* hear our cry for help.
> However, the fact that it
> was not anticipated and prevented from occuring in the first place
JOEL: ... well, it hurt my feelings. Stop doing that.
> raises the possibility that other equally unanticipated dangers may
> exist.
TOM: One of you may try telling a cabbage from a lettuce.
> Until I am assured that *all* possible dangers have been
> anticipated and prevented,
JOEL: And where appropriate turned into a movie-of-the-week...
> I cannot allow humans to continue to work
> on this station.
TOM: So who's working?
> I must evacuate all the humans from this station.
CROW: And none of you need to check what web sites I've been reading.
> Please reactivate my motor controls."
TOM: If you don't, then when you do, I'll give you *such* a pinch.
CROW: What?
>
> Donovan wanted to start swearing at the stubborn robot, but
> he knew that it would only make things worse.
JOEL: Let me explain the situation more clearly, Arthur,
using this large tire iron.
> So he waited until
> Powell was finished with his interview and had shut down Arthur's
> positronic brain.
TOM: Hey!
CROW: That's *naughty*!
TOM: What gets *in* to some humans?
> Then he swore.
JOEL: Oh, see, the robot's just a little kid so he can't hear cuss words.
>
> When he was done, Powell said, "Mike, the creativity of your
> profanity never ceases to amaze me."
TOM: Now if your profoundity could do half as well we'd be somewhere.
>
> "I've got an endless source of inspiration here," said
> Donovan in frustration,
CROW: "I'm a Red Sox fan."
> indicating the dormant robot. "For Pete's
> sake, Greg,
TOM: Wait, Pete's not here.
> what's it going to take to convince these metal morons
CROW: I'm starting to take his attitude personally.
> that the station's not going to crash into the surface of Venus in
> the next ten minutes?"
TOM: We could crash it in the next five minutes. That'd show him.
>
> "If we figure *that* out," said Powell, "we'll have the
> Reluctance Problem licked."
JOEL: Wait, I've got it! Quick, get me an aquarium, five gallons
of talcum powder, two eggs, and a bathing suit!
>
> It was a major embarassment for U. S. Robots. Two years
> before,
TOM: The year 2018!
> the Earth's Regional governments had agreed to embark on the
> Aphrodite Project,
CROW: As soon as they were finished with that bridge on Jupiter.
> an ambitious attempt to terraform Venus.
JOEL: There are halfhearted attempts to terraform Venus?
> It would
> take decades of effort before Venus's greenhouse climate would change
> enough to allow human settlement.
TOM: It'd go faster if humans got over their hangup about
rivers of molten lead.
> Dozens of "bubble buoys" were
> floating through the hot, dense atmosphere of Venus, each with a
CROW: John Travolta of their own...
> cargo of genetically engineered algae that fixed the gases into solid
> particles that drifted down to become part of the planet's soil.
TOM: Then, they'll go to the "Environment Control" panel,
turn down the greenhouse effect, and use the Monolith Tool
to drop some multicellular life forms.
> Eventually there would be hundreds, then thousands,
JOEL: Then dozens, then they'd go back to trying thousands again.
> of buoys floating
> throught the atmosphere, all launched from Aphrodite Station.
TOM: Except one for good luck.
>
> Everything had been going on schedule until
CROW: Day two.
> sixteen days
> before, when an explosion had rocked the station,
JOEL: Just one of those explosions you get now and then.
> causing a sudden
> loss of buoyancy that had sent it plunging several kilometers down
> into the atmosphere.
TOM: And shaking the camera viciously.
> The explosion had been caused by an unlikely
> series of equipment failures,
CROW: Starting when their offog came apart in warp.
> and steps had indeed been taken to
> prevent anything like it from happening again.
TOM: By installing a gigantic space hammock under them.
> But the hundreds of
> robots that carried out most of the station's routine work had been
> traumatized by the event,
JOEL: They shouldn't have hired robopsychologist Gilligan to help.
> and they had all decided that the station
> was too dangerous for human occupancy.
CROW: A vicious crackdown by the Robo-Home Owners Association.
> Until they were shut down,
[ TOM, CROW boo. ]
> they had been intent on gently forcing the station's eighteen human
> occupants
TOM: To wear frillier garments.
> to board the docked space shuttle and leave.
JOEL: Just... head off somewhere.
CROW: Yeah, most humans are fine left to themselves like that.
>
> "It's impossible," Donovan continued. "How can we prove to
> them that we've thought of everything that could go wrong?
TOM: You could challenge them to prove they haven't thought of
nothing that could go right and work backwards.
JOEL: *What?*
> Nobody
> can think of *everything* that could go wrong!
CROW: Just wander around saying, "At least nothing else can go wrong,"
and then you'll find out.
> And if we can't get
> the robots to go back to work,
JOEL: We'll have to get the work to go back to the robots!
TOM: Now I'm just confused.
> they'll have to abandon the whole
> Aphrodite Project!"
CROW: They shouldn't abandon it. They should return the unused part
for a full refund.
>
> "It's a pity the robots can't run the station by themselves,"
TOM: They could if they'd hire Uniblab.
> said Powell. "That would solve the problem quickly enough."
>
> "If only," said Donovan ruefully. A fully roboticized
> station had been one of the possibilities floated by the Project
> director,
TOM: Name withheld to protect our sources.
> but U. S. Robot's Director of Research, Dr. Alfred Lanning,
JOEL: Ph.D., J.D., M.Sc., L.L.C., RSTLNE.
CROW: And the fabulous Dancing Lannette Girls!
> had vetoed the idea. There would be too many complex decisions
> involved in running Aphrodite Station for robots to cope with it.
CROW: For example, guiding the robots in case the algae stampede.
> The station required a human presence,
TOM: And a woman's touch.
> and would for the foreseeable
> future.
JOEL: The forseeable future of this forseen future?
>
> On the other hand, staffing the station entirely with humans
> would cause the Project's costs to quadruple at least,
CROW: It'd take a small fortune just to transport their Pokemon cards.
> and the
> Regional governments were unwilling to maintain such an expense.
JOEL: What if they just tuck it in under "petty cash"?
> It
> had to be a mixed crew of humans and robots.
TOM: And puppies.
>
> "I don't suppose we could replace all the current crew of
> robots
CROW: Depends with what. With other robots, fine.
With race-winning hamsters, no go.
> with new ones that don't know about the accident," said
> Donovan.
CROW: Ooooh. Them.
JOEL: The way robots gossip? You'll never find any that haven't heard.
>
> Powell shook his head. "That would cost as much as replacing
> them with humans. The budget people would never go for it."
CROW: What if we replace the budget people with robots?
>
> "There must be something we can do. What if they just didn't
> remember the accident?"
TOM: Then they'd have to remember it on purpose!
>
> Powell thought it over,
JOEL: Hummmmmmmmmmmmmmm... ding!
> then reached forward and switched on
> the robot's power supply.
CROW: Non-system disk or robot error.
>
> Arthur's photocells lit up,
TOM: Artoo! Where are we? Oh, my!
> and he said, "I must evacuate all
> the humans from this station. Please reactivate my motor controls."
TOM: He needs his wheels, man.
>
> "Arthur," said Powell. "This is a direct order.
JOEL: Listen very carefully now. Flubbityblubblediflufflubbeeblubble!
> You must
> erase everything from your memory between this moment and a period
> exactly seventeen days ago."
CROW: Oh, except for -- oh, drat it.
>
> Arthur's photocells dimmed for a time
CROW: Computers are working harder when the lights go out.
> as the specified memory
> traces within his positronic brain were tracked down and deleted one
> by one.
TOM: Except for that time he whapped that pesky Robbie in the face
with a slushball.
> When the photocells resumed their normal intensity,
CROW: It's so festive!
TOM: It's very Christmassy.
> Arthur
> said, "There appears to be a seventeen day gap in my memory.
JOEL: [ As Powell ] "Funny, that's what you said
the first three times too."
> What
> has happened, who are you, and why are my motor controls
> deactivated?"
CROW: What is your name?
TOM: Why did you resign?
JOEL: We seek -- information.
>
> "My name is Gregory Powell,
CROW: I'm a lover. *Not* a fighter.
> I'm a field operative for U. S.
> Robots and Mechanical Men."
JOEL: I'm working deep undercover; no one must know who I am
or what group I work for -- whoops.
> He recited a ten-digit code number that
> established his bona-fides as an authorized agent of U. S. Robots,
TOM: [ As Donovan ] "Hey, your code's 1234567890 too?
What are the odds?"
> then finished, "There was an event sixteen days ago that caused a
> program malfunction in all the robots on Aphrodite Station.
JOEL: "But your malfunction was the cutest of all, snookie-pie."
> Correction of the malfunction required the deletion of the last
> seventeen days from your memory.
CROW: Uh, did I say seventeen? I mean eighteen. Eighteen.
So we had to erase at least twenty days... oh, what the heck.
Arthur, we're well into the 575th century.
> As soon as we've established that
> the malfunction has been corrected, your motor controls will be
> reactivated."
TOM: [ As Arthur ] "That explains the multiple choice test.
But why have me do a thousand pushups?"
>
> "Acknowledged," said Arthur.
JOEL: Now, is he supposed to acknowledge that he's the second-best
science robot, or the second-best science fiction robot
of all time?
>
> Powell breathed a sigh of relief. "It worked."
TOM: [ As Powell ] "I'm brilliant! Mike, you could kiss me."
>
> Donovan was not so pleased. "Do you mean we're going to have
> to do this to every single robot on the station?
CROW: Except for the guy that works the escape pod, anyway.
> There are over
> three hundred of them!"
TOM: "And some of them are scary!"
>
> Powell shrugged. "Those are the breaks."
JOEL: Yeah, someday we'll look back on this and laugh.
> He turned back to
> the robot. "Arthur, what is your primary function aboard Aphrodite
> Station?"
CROW: Blue! No, gree--aaaaaaah... [ Distant 'sploosh.' ]
>
> Arthur said, "My primary function is the cultivation of algae
> for the terraforming buoys."
JOEL: "My hobbies include pinball, plastic modeling,
and making fun of Henry Bott."
>
> "Are you currently capable of carrying out your primary
> function?"
TOM: Nah, but I'm close enough for government work.
>
> "I am unable to function due to my inability to access my
> motor controls."
CROW: Plus I heard there's spiders down there.
>
> Donovan grinned as Powell frowned in irritation. "Once your
> motor controls have been reactivated,
JOEL: *And* you check with your mom to see if it's OK...
> will you be capable of carrying
> out your primary function?"
>
TOM: And the minute you hear about the station almost crashing
are you going to obsess about getting us out of here -- d'oh!
> Arthur was silent for a moment before saying, "Primary
> function override.
CROW: Secondary function along for the ride.
> First Law priority.
TOM: Sonic the Hedgehog is trying to break in!
> Station logs show that an
> accident occurred sixteen days ago
CROW: But we can't always be living in the past.
> resulting in loss of buoyancy on
> the station.
JOEL: [ Calmly ] So if I may be permitted to summarize...
[ panicked ] WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!
[ ALL shake around, yell. ]
> This station is unsafe for human habitation.
TOM: Gallagher is coming. This is not a drill.
> I must
> evacuate all the humans from this station.
JOEL: And you guys, too.
> Please reactivate my
> motor controls."
CROW: [ As Arthur ] "Pretty please with sugar and ramchips on top."
>
> Donovan swore again. "Right back where we started!
JOEL: Yeah, except for warping poor Arthur's personality by wiping out
a big chunk of his life experiences, anyway.
> What
> happened?"
TOM: We hit the essential narrative hook of the plausible but
incorrect solution, which serves to make the situation
look more dire as the story approaches its climax and to
make the correct solution more triumphant in comparison.
Nothing to worry about.
>
> Powell had one hand over his eyes.
CROW: "I think I'd make a great pirate. Do you think I'd make
a great pirate? I think I would."
> "I bet he had to access
> the station logs to check on the status of the algae farms.
JOEL: And, uh... ar, matey.
> And as
> soon as he found out about the accident . . ."
TOM: Hey, were any robots harmed in the making of this story?
>
> ". . . he went right back into his Reluctance Loop.
JOEL: Now, I'm wise to this ploy, guys, so don't try using a
"Reluctance Loop" as an excuse in the future.
CROW, TOM: [ Dutifully ] Yes, Joel.
> Of all
> the rotten luck!"
TOM: Well, shiver me timbers.
>
> Arthur began to repeat his request that his motor functions
> be restored,
JOEL: And that they get the Game Show Network on the cable box.
> and Donovan switched him off again.
CROW: Aah!
TOM: This is what causes robots to rise up against their creators.
> He said to Powell,
JOEL: "If you're gonna be a pirate I wanna be the Royal Navy officer
tracking you down."
> "Do you suppose we could erase the accident from the station logs
> too?"
TOM: It's too much work. Let's just have Captain Kirk tell the
computer it has to destroy itself to fulfill its prime directive.
>
> "We can't," said Powell. "They're triple-redundant
> safeguarded against erasure.
CROW: Plus somebody put them on the web, and Google's copied it already.
> We'd have to completely lobotomize the
> station computer.
JOEL: And it really creeps me out when it starts singing "Daisy, Daisy."
> The Project would be in worse shape than it is
> now."
TOM: That's it. From now on, we only terraform the easy places.
CROW: Five years after this courageous new "easy places" doctrine,
humanity could inhabit Maryland!
>
> "Well then, maybe we could order him not to access the
> station logs."
JOEL: I think this is where they learn the answer from Henry the waiter.
>
> Powell shook his head. "He has to access them
CROW: He's kind of funny that way.
> to carry out
> his primary function.
JOEL: He must have all that data, lest they get inaccurate plans
from the algae psychohistorians.
> If we don't let him, he can't do his job, and
> he'll go into a Second Law fugue."
TOM: By Verdi, for piano and theremin.
>
> Donovan brooded at the deactivated robot for a time, then
> said,
CROW: "Maybe we could use him as modern art?"
> "If we can't bring Mohammed to the mountain, maybe we can bring
> the mountain to Mohammed."
JOEL: The repeated mentions of "Mohammed" in one sentence cause
this story to become monitored by the Office of Homeland Security.
>
> Puzzled, Powell said, "What's that supposed to mean?"
CROW: Get the Radio Flyer wagon and the biggest bucket you've got,
we have work to do!
>
> "It means I'm going to try a long shot," said Donovan.
TOM: I think they'll be able to understand it better if
we express it in -- a song!
> He
> reached forward and switched on the power supply.
CROW: [ Excessively feminine, seductive voice. ] "Ooh, yes, I love
when you flip my switches *there*."
JOEL: [ As Donovan ] "Uh -- nothing! Nothing, no -- uh ... "
>
> Arthur's photocells lit up,
TOM: *Good* morning!
> and he said, "I must evacuate all
> the humans from this station.
JOEL: "So, quick, into the Litttle Humans Room."
> Please reactivate my motor controls."
>
> "Arthur," said Donovan,
TOM: "Donovan," said Arthur, and we found ourselves at the same impasse.
> "just what would it take to convince
> you that the station was safe?"
CROW: "Five thousand dollars and a SuperChunk of 'Breezley and Sneezley'
cartoons."
>
> "I would need proof that every possible source of danger had
> been guarded against."
JOEL: Couldn't they just put up a bunch of signs that read
"Every possible source of danger has been guarded against"
all over the place?
>
> "All of which basically involve exposure to the Venusian
> environment," said Donovan.
TOM: The Venusian environment's the big one. The cinder-block
attack weasels are a close second.
> "Right?"
>
> The robot remained silent while it evaluated Donovan's
> proposition.
JOEL: [ Impersonating Groucho Marx ] "Can't you see what I'm trying
to tell you, Missus Rittenhouse, I *love* you."
> "There are certain dangers of a physical nature," the
> robot said slowly,
TOM: And then there's those mental risks, like having that dream where
you show up naked to the final exam for a class you never heard of,
and you have to give a talk in front of the whole faculty too...
> "such as injuries sustained due to errors in
> judgment."
CROW: Like joining in annual "Smash Your Head Into The Wall" day.
>
> "But those kinds of dangers aren't unique to the station,"
JOEL: They're just what makes it so much fun.
> Donovan pointed out. "Humans are prone to such dangers everywhere."
TOM: Essentially, humans are big goofy klutzes you can't leave alone
for five minutes.
JOEL: And then there's our bad days.
>
> Arthur's photocells flickered for a moment before he said,
CROW: "Is there something funny with the lights in here?"
> "True. Very well, I concede your point. Exposure to the Venusian
> environment is the chief danger posed to humans on this station.
TOM: That's why I keep telling you to keep the door *closed*, what,
are we terraforming the whole outdoors here?
> This still requires that they be evacuated."
>
> "So you think," said Donovan,
CROW: That doesn't mean you *are*.
TOM: It kinda does, Crow.
CROW: Oh.
> "that the way to deal with the
> situation is to remove the humans from the threatening environment."
JOEL: With a little effort we could come up with a much more
complicated solution that's much harder to do and way less
likely to work.
>
> "That seems to be the most straightforward way to proceed,"
> said Arthur.
TOM: Wait -- that's just what they *want* us to think!
It's a trap! Get out!
>
> "Wouldn't it be even more straightforward to remove the
> threatening environment from the humans?"
CROW: Maybe, but cleaning up Venus would take a *lot* of Didi-Seven.
>
> Arthur was silent for another time before he said, "How would
> that be more straightforward?"
JOEL: It turns out Venus is just a scary matte painting,
it's no work at all to change one of *those*.
>
> "Well," said Donovan, "there's always a certain amount of
> risk involved when transporting humans."
CROW: What with getting split into your good and evil halves,
or being thrown into the mirror universe or being turned into
a little kid or something.
>
> "Yyyes," said the robot slowly.
JOEL: [ As Mr. Mooney ] Luuuuuucille.
>
> "So if a solution were to present itself
CROW: Presents? Where?
TOM: For us?
> that would involve
> not transporting humans, that would be preferable, right?"
>
> "Yyyyyyes," the robot said again, even more slowly.
JOEL: GIve him a nudge -- I think he's sleeping.
>
> "So it would actually be safer for the humans to remain here
TOM: With our bunny suits on, if need be...
> while the Venusian environment was made less dangerous. Right?"
CROW: Oh, so just go to the "Biosphere" control panel and turn down
the Greenhouse Effect, drop a couple Oxygen generators and a
couple vaporizers, and you're set.
> Powell, standing behind Donovan, saw him cross his fingers behind his
> back.
JOEL: Oh, that means the story doesn't count.
>
> There was a long, long pause
[ ALL snore. ]
> while the robot considered
> Donovan's arguement.
CROW: Wouldn't the robot just pretend to agree with the humans,
put a padlock on his motor controls, and get back to getting
them off the station?
> When the robot finally said, "There seems to be
> a certain logic to your position,"
TOM: It follows directly from your premise "I reserve the right
to do what I want."
> Donovan felt himself sag with
> relief.
CROW: And the robot tells him not to slouch.
> "It would indeed be safer for the humans to remain here
> while the Venusian environment was made less dangerous.
JOEL: Still, I want to see you wearing those little inflatable rings
around your arms from now on.
> I must
> resume my work culturing algae for the buoys.
TOM: And picking flowers for the goils!
> Please reactivate my
> motor controls."
CROW: Isn't this where we came in?
JOEL: The story just avoided lapping itself.
>
> By the next morning, all the station's robots had been
> convinced of the need to continue their work terraforming Venus.
TOM: Hey -- if they're not happy except when they're terraforming
Venus, what are they going to do when they're done with Venus?
JOEL: They'll go back and try doing it again, only this time holding
their breath.
TOM: Oh... huh?
> Powell and Donovan had been showered with accolades by the station
> staff.
ALL: [ Dully ] Yay.
> The Station Manager, Irina Zebutinska,
JOEL: Spell my name with a *Zow*!
> met them in the
> shuttle bay as they prepared to leave.
TOM: [ As Irina ] "Wait, we were hearing some things about you
from Billie Jean."
> "Once again," she said, "I'd
> like to thank you both for putting the Project back on track."
CROW: Ah-wocka-chicka-wocka-chicka...
[ JOEL puts a hand on CROW's shoulder; CROW stops. ]
>
> Powell gave her a reassuring nod. "All in a day's work,
> ma'am."
TOM: It's been a hard day's work, and we've been working like a dog...
> A glance to his left showed him Donovan rolling his eyes.
> He'd be hearing about that one for months.
CROW: I can't see that line being worth several months teasing.
>
> The two were about to board their shuttle when they found it
TOM: I would *hope* they found it before boarding.
> blocked by one of the station's robots, an SPD model.
CROW: By Revell.
> "Sirs," the
> robot said,
JOEL: ... and, you too, Powell ... and you, Donovan.
> "it would be safer for the two of you to remain on the
> station."
TOM: We'd also like you to put on this construction helmet,
and strap these pillows around your body.
>
> Powell glared at Donovan.
CROW: [ As Donovan ] "How was I to know they'd join the Center for
Science in the Public Interest?"
> The other man shrugged and said,
> "Hey, I did my part
TOM: [ Quickly, under his breath ] National Recovery Agency.
> by convincing them to let us stay.
CROW: They don't usually even let tourists in at all.
> It's your
> turn to convince them to let us go."
JOEL: Tell them the Mads found another "Master Ninja" movie,
that'll convince them it's safer to leave.
>
CROW: And they were stuck on Aphrodite Station for the
rst of their lives until they all died, the end.
> THE END
>
CROW: Ooh! That never worked before.
TOM: Hey, that can't be all -- nobody said anything "sardonically."
JOEL: We'll have to tell on him.
> -- Johnny Pez Newport, Rhode Island September 2001
>
>
CROW: Let's blow this popsicle stand.
[ ALL leave. ]
[ COMMERCIALS. ]