Yet Another MiSTied ST:TNG Fnfic
Michael Kraft Neylon
:). As usual, all characters are copyrighted. Please mail me your
comments.
WARNING: You may want to at least understand how *bad* 'Enterprized' was
before you start this..
--------
<Bridge of SoL. Mike is alone, and playing with Star Trek:
the Next Generation action figures...>
Mike: <mimicing Tasha> Oh Data, you must be so *manly* under
that synthetic skin of yours... <mimicing Data> That is
impossible, Lt. I have no feelings... <Tasha> Oh, but I know
how to release those feelings....<notices viewer, attempts to
hide figures> Oh hi there....err.. Welcome to the Satellite of
Love...err...you didn't see these. If the 'bots ever get to
see my complete collection of TNG stuff, I'll be in BIG
trouble...
<Tom and Crow *zoom* into scene>
Tom: Hey, Mike, are you r...hey, whats that you're hiding?
Mike: Oh, nothing <trying to hide the figures behind his back>
Tom: Come on, let us see. You know you cant hide anything from
us.
<Tom and Crow try to look behind Mike but he is able to block
their view for a while. Finally, Crow gets a peek>
Crow: Ah HA! Star Trek actions figures!
Tom: Mike! How could you?! We *trusted* you!
Mike: But...
Crow: Ya, Mike...sinking down to the level of Trekkies. Next
thing we'll know, you'll be reading the rec.arts.startrek
newsgroups.
Tom: Like you don't, Crow.
Crow: Well, yes. But this is completely different.
Mike: But guys...
Tom: You know, Mike. We build up trust and confidence with you.
We thought you had more sense than that. But NOOOooo. One
minute later, and our faith in you is destroyed forever.
Crow: <sniffing> We've lost him, Tom...we've lost him! (starts
crying)
Mike: Now wait a minute! My mom sent these to me....I thought
that I 'use' them for a bit, then send them to some poor
kid as a Christmas gift. You know me well enough that I
have no feelings for Star Trek stuff.
Tom: ...Really?
Mike: Really, Tom.
Crow: Such...such a kind-hearted gesture, from a guy like you.
Tom: Yep, you are so much better than that other guy...oh...
you know...whatshisname...
Crow: Wasn't is Josh, or Jack...or...
Mike: Er...You mean Joel?
Tom: Oh yea, thats him. Yep, you are ever so much better than
him.
Crow: Yep.
Mike: Good. Im glad thats settled.
<slight pause>
Crow: <softly to Mike> So can I have them when you are done with
them?
Tom: CROW!
Mike: Quiet you two...Bill and Ted are calling <presses button>
<Deep 13>
Dr F: Ahhh...hello Mike <softly> hello 'bots. Well, lets get on
with the Invention Exchange, since ours is so much better than
yours, *as usual*...
Mike: Heeeeyyy...
Dr. F: Anyway, you know how bad dictionaries are nowadays? You
want to know how to spell a word, yet to be able to look
it up in the dictionary, you have to know how to spell it.
Frank: <wearing a Dunce hat and sitting in a corner> I know...and
I HATE it.
Dr. F: Shut up, and recite those multiplication tables again...
anyway, we've decide to improve on that, so that you can
use OUR dictionary without knowing how to spell a word. A
completely phonetical dictionary, no spelling involved.
Frank: But Steve, I still think there is a problem with that...
Dr. F: <almost slaps Frank> ...For example, say you want to
spell 'cat'. Well, that *sounds* like it begins with a 'k',
so flip to the 'k' section <does so>, and scan down the list...
'can'...'cap'...Aha! 'cat'...<reads from dictionary>...'a
quadapede...a feline...' Well, you get the picture.
Frank: But Steve...the word isn't spelled right...
Dr. F: Of course it isn't, you idiot! We are going to screw
with all those children, infilitrate our dictionary into
the public school system, cause them to fail at any
written assignment, and completely disable the entire
population of the WORLD <laughs evilly for a long time>
Frank: <sneaks away from chair, whispers to monitor> I think
he's finally lost it, boys. I'll try to subdue him <looks
back to the hysterical Dr. F>...later.
< SoL >
<Crow is visiably shivering>
Tom: Mike, Im scared.
Mike: Don't worry, Tom, TV's Frank can handle him...I think...
Anyway, our invention is based off the popular book by
Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy". Tom,
explain it to them...
Tom: My pleasure, Mike. Imagine that you are hitchhiking
through the galaxy, and find yourself on our Satellite of Love.
What will you do?! Where will you go!? And what will you eat!?
Mike: That's why you should have a copy of "The Hitchhiker's
Guide to the Satellite of Love" (show a hand-sized computer pad>
See...it even has the word "PANIC" on the cover, as thats what
you should do if you DO find yourself right here.
Crow: Yes, it tells you the party spots, the best drinks, and
the worst poetry that can be found on the SoL. Read about
Manos, hear the pain, feel the suffering...
Tom: <pause> Sure, Crow...and not only that, it gives you all
the information that you will ever need to know about US.
Mike, tell them what the Guide says about me...
Mike: OK, Tom...<presses some buttons>...here we are..."Tom
Servo...beautiful voice..."
Tom: <'la's a few notes>
Mike "...handsome body...sexy head..." and it goes on and on...
And for me, lets see <presses more buttons> "...beautiful
voice...handsome body...sexy head..."...and on and on...
<pause>
Crow: Well?
Mike: Well what?
Crow: WHAT ABOUT ME??!
Mike: OH, umm...well, we ran out of room...you know how limited
these things are in storage, so...um...your entry is a little
short.
Crow: Well, read it anyway.
Tom: I think we'd rather not.
Crow: *Please*??
Mike: Well... <presses buttons, and shows the screen to Crow>
Crow: "HARMLESS?!!!"
Tom: Well, in the next edition, we were able to give you a bit
more space.
Crow: <mumbles> I'm going to reget this, but...<to others> what
does the new edition say?
Mike: Err... "Mostly Harmless?"
Crow: <attacks Mike> "Mostly Harmless"....I'll show you Mostly
Harmless!!!!! < Mike and Crow fall behind counter >
Tom: <looking down at the two > Ouch, that must hurt...I never
knew a body could bend in that way...
< Deep 13 >
< Dr. F is still running about the lab pulling hair out in general
acting insane >
Frank: Ste...I mean Dr. F!! Calm down! It's only an evil plan...
<to camera> Anyway, your experiment this week is another
ST:TNG fanfic...
< SoL - Crow and Mike peer above counter >
All: AAAAAAAUUUGGGGGHHHHH!
< Deep 13 >
Frank: Trust me, this isnt as bad as 'Enterprized', at least the
spelling is ok...err.. for now. You just enjoy it while I'll
try to try the big guy down...
< SoL >
< Crow is in pieces on the counter >
Tom: Now that is what I call 'Mostly Harmless'.
Crow: You win this round, but just you wait, Mike!
< Fanfic Sign >
Mike: Ahhhh we got Fanfic Sign...PANIC!!!!
All: Ahhhh!!!!!
6....5....4....3....2....1
< Crow is back together >
Crow: Please dont EVER do that again guys.
Tom: Oh, lighten up Crow, it was only a joke.
Mike: Shh...its starting...
> Star Trek: The Andromeda Encounter
> by Andrew Wooldridge
> 12-13-93
>(this story is an original work by me,
Crow: Oh no, we were expecting plagiarism.
> and I take credit for
>writing it,
Mike: Therefore, it MUST be good ....
All: NOT!
> but all of the characters, etc are the copyright
>of paramount, and no money can be charged for this work. The
>validity of any of the technical stuff in here is just based
>on my own memory and not any of the many tech books.
Tom: Quick get a camera....an uninformed Trekkie!!
Mike: This guy is obviously out of touch with reality.
Crow: Like we aren't?
Mike: Hush, Crow...
> No
>flames please.
Mike: No comment.
> Hope this can be read for what it is, for
>fun. )
Tom: Well, you might think its fun, but it may be work to others.
Crow: Such as us.
>Picard: Captains Log: Stardate 45950.1. We are currently on
>an extended mission near the edge the known galaxy.
Crow: Boy, I am sure glad they know what galaxy they are in.
It'll be a complete shame if they didn't.
> Several
>interesting phenomena occuring near the galactic rim have led
>us close to the strange energy field surrounding our galaxy.
Crow: So Mike, what do you call phaser fire near the galactic
rim?
Mike: I don't know, Crow. What is it?
Crow: Rim shots! Ha ha.
Tom: Mike, I think you gotta remove that pun module really soon.
Mike: Top of the list, Tom. Top of the list.
>Data: Captain, we are approaching a localized disturbance
>along sector 45.6 of the galactic rim. Sensors indicate a
>quantum flux of some sort.
Tom: Suddenly, Sam Beckett leaps into the body of Captain Picard,
oops wrong show.
Mike: Any other show would be better than this.
>Riker: Any ideas on what it might be Commander Data?
Crow: Didn't he just tell you it was a quantum flux? Boy, I think
Riker's ready for a hearing aid...
>Data: Without a frame of reference,
Tom: Or a plot,
> I am unable to make an
>accurate conjecture. But, it does appear to be a weakening in
>the flux field surrounding the galaxy.
Mike: Where's the Technobabble interpreter when you need it?
>Troi: A weakening? Perhaps the barrier is not as strong as
>originally thought captain.
Crow: Thats not the only thing that is not that strong...
Mike: Crow, stop that!
Crow: Stop what?
>Picard: Yes. Continue to monitor the disturbance Data, and
>keep us abreast
<Mike grabs Crow's mouth>
Crow: mmmpfh!!
Mike: You are going to get in big trouble, man.
> of the situation. Meanwhile, Counselor Troi,
>Number One, would you accompany me to Holodeck One? Wesley
>Crusher
All: AAAAAAHHHHHH!
Tom: Yes, what is a Trek fanfic WITHOUT Wesley Crusher?
Crow: At least his name is spelled right this time.
> has informed me he has created a new holodeck program
>that may be of interest.
Mike: Do you ever notice how TNG always uses the Holodeck as a
cheap method of incorporating another set?
Tom: At least thats better than 'Manos'.
Crow: TRUE, Tom. Very TRUE.
>Riker: Let's go.
Crow: To my quarters.
Mike: Thats it, Crow! Im getting the duck tape (leaves the theater)
Tom: Good job, Crow. Now how are you going to enjoy these movies?
Crow: I don't know, but I better get all my good comments in now
before Mike returns.
>{ As the three enter the turbolift,
Crow: For example, I would say something here....
> Data stays behind,
Crow: ...and here...
>touching buttons and gazing intently at the various
>monitors.}
Crow: ...and here. But I got more taste than that.
Tom: Crow, Crow, Crow....(shakes head)
Mike: <returning> Ok, Crow, take you medicine (wraps Crow's
mouth with duck tape)
Crow: But, Mike! I was mmffpf...mffphf!
>Outside the Enterprise, the galactic barrier continues to
>churn.
Tom: <singing> For every season, churn churn churn...
----------------------------------
>Picard: Well, Ensign Crusher, what is this program you wanted
>us to see?
Mike: Well, I have this program that will cause me to implode
on your command, but...
>Wesley: Captain, Commander Riker, Counselor Troi, I've been
>experimenting with some of the advanced capabilities of the
>holodeck,
Tom: Don't these people ever learn?! Wes has screwed up the
Enterprise on how many occasions now?
Mike: Remember, Tom. Its a fanfic...something just HAS to go
wrong, else there would be no plot.
Tom: Like there is one now?
> especially trying to recreate some of the
>events that led to Commander Riker's Minuet,
Tom: The only way Wes is going to get a girlfriend.
> and Leiutenant
>Barklay's tap into the Enterprise's computers.
Mike: Hey, I don't think Wes was there for that. Was he, Tom?
Tom: I wouldn't know Mike. *I'm* not the Star Trek fan like
*you* are...heh heh.
Crow: Mfph! Mfph!
>Troi: Isn't that dangerous?
Mike: Well, DUH!
> Having some entity in control of
>the Enterprise's computer's always led them to experience an
>overblown sense of power,
Mike: Give the computer a byte, and it'll take a Megs.
> and jeopardized all our lives.
Tom: I'll take 'Bad Fanfics' for $500, Alex
>Riker: And Minuet came about from the Binar's memory dump.
Mike: <mimicing Picard> So she was a figment of someone's
imagination.
Tom: <mimicing Riker> Ahh...err...I gotta run guys...I think
I need a cold shower...
>There's no way to recreate that without overloading our own
>computers again.
Mike: Yes, there is. Just do what you do every other time, and
it should work.
>Wesley: I know, and I've worked out a way to avoid those
>things from happening again.
All: Awwww....
Tom: Great, just when I got my hopes up...
Mike: What, to see Minuet again?
Tom: Nope. For the complete and utter destruction of the
Enterprise.
Mike: Ahhh...
> I've been simulating a totally
>new concept in holodeck technology. The first thing I have
>to show you is this:
Mike: A Romulan Disrupter!!!!
Tom: Wes has gone insane!!!!
Mike: Coming soon to a theater near you: Falling Down, starring
Wesley Crusher.
> {Wesley held up a small round object,
<Crow is visibly trying to say something>
> silver with red
>lights dancing across its surface. After showing it to the
>three, he tossed it towards the middle of the quiesent
>holodeck. It stopped in mid-air and hovered.}
All: Oohhh...Ahhhh....
Tom: Great. First boy genius, now magican. Choose a career and
stick with it, kid.
>Picard: What is it?
Mike: <mimicing Wes> Well, duh! Its a thingamabob with optional
whatyamacallits and a special thingamagig. Geeesh! Keep up
with the current technology, man!
>Wesley: It's a portable holodeck generator.
Tom: Oh, great, now they can pretend to be somewhere when they
are actually there.
Mike: What?
Tom: Never mind.
> It emits a field
>very similar to our transporter beams, while having the
>capability to travel outside the regular holodeck.
Mike: It slices!
Tom: It dices!
Mike: It makes Julianne fries!
>Riker: That sounds really interesting,
All: NOT!
> Wesley, but what does
>this have to do with anything?
Tom: My question exactly. What does this have to do with the
plot?
Mike: What plot?
Tom: That's right.
>Wesley: I'm getting to that.
Mike: I think Wes has been learning to report things from Data...
in other words, the LOOOONG way.
Commander, Captain, Counselor,
>I want to introduce you to a new, and old member of the
>Enterprise's crew.
Tom: Tasha Yar?
Mike: Ensign Ro?
Tom: Doctor Pulaski?
> May I introduce, our computer.
Tom: Oh great, Wes is referring to the computer in the first
person. Wes really needs a girlfriend bad.
>{In a shimmering moment, the floating ball was concealed by a
>petite woman,
All: Waa!
> dressed in grey robes, long silver hair, and
>steel grey eyes. Her age seems to be about 23,
Mike: 23 with silver hair??? No thanks.
> and she
>flashes the four
Crow: MMFFFFPH!!! MFFFPH!!!!!
> a winsome smile}
>Computer: Hello Captain. I've been looking forward to meeting
>you face to face.
Mike: <imitating> and cheek to cheek...
Tom: Hey, watch it mister...you're sounding like Crow...speaking
of which, don't you thinks he's learned his lesson by now?
Mike: I guess so (removes the tape).
Crow: *GASP* Geez, you guys, you missed about a thousand perfect
set ups in that last bit.
Mike: Yes Crow, but this is a FAMILY show.
>{outside the Enterprise, two events of great moment are
>beginning to transpire.
Tom: Wesley Crusher hits puberty, and a freak black hole
swallows the Enterprise whole.
Mike: I don't think so, Tom.
Tom: What's wrong with that?
Mike: Well, maybe not a freak black hole...maybe a runaway
comet?
Crow: How about a supernova?
Tom: Or a sudden explosion of the warp coils?
Mike: Yes, that's a lot more believable.
> The first: the energy barrier opens
>slightly, like an air bubble bursting to the surface.
>Revealing a golden teardrop-shaped craft.
Crow: Seen it, done it.
Mike: Crow!
> It quickly fades,
>folding in on itself.
Tom: Well, that was certainly *exciting*.
> The second: Light years away, on the
>Borg Home Planet, a single cube
Mike: Oh great, they're throwing dice into warp.
Crow: Maybe it's the fuzzy kind.
Mike: I don't think so...they only threw a single one.
Crow: *sigh*.
> enters warp. It's
>destination: the galactic barrier.}
Tom: Yes? That's it?? Boy, just build that excitiment to an
anti-climax.
> ----------------------------------
> Part II
>{ Picard, Wesley, Riker and Troi, stand near the entrance to
>holodeck one. The computer/hologram stands before them
>quietly}
Mike: As opposed to standing around noisely.
>Picard: What kind of game is this, Wesley?
Crow: It's called Strip Poker, Captain...
Mike: One more, and your outta here, buddy!
> Our computer is
>not sentient.
Tom: (mimicing Wes) Shh...not in front of the computer, Captain.
>Computer: Thanks to Mr. Crusher, Captain, that is no longer
>the case. Wesley and I have been working on a personality
>development program - with the help of Lt. Commander Data.
Mike: Just great...they're trying to build a personality program
from the crew with the least amount of personality.
>Wesley: We have been able to simulate Data's positronic brain
>in a virtual environment within the computer.
Tom: I am glad they can simulate a computer within a computer.
Technology must be SOOOO advanced in the 24th century.
Mike: Err...thats the 25th century, Tom.
Tom: Whatever.
> Coupled with
>the holodeck and my new remote projector, the computer and I
>were able to create this girl you see.
Crow: <about to speak, but stops from a look from Mike> You are
no fun.
Mike: Remember Crow. FAMILY show. Cable ACE awards.
Crow: Ahhh, yes.
>Riker: I can see you had a big say on how see looks, didn't
>you Wesley?
TOm: <mimicing Wes> Of course I did...I always had fantasies of
Christina Applegate...
>Wesley: (small blush) Not really. The computer copied
>loosely from Data's daughter Lal.
Crow: <about to speak, but quickly drops it> Mike, why can't
we move to the Playboy channel?
Tom: Hush, Crow. We're trying to watch this...
>Troi: I seem to be sensing something here.
Mike: You'd better...there's two people standing right THERE...
and then there's Wes...
> It isn't really a
>consiousness, but - almost the faint beginnings.
Mike: <immidating Riker> Captain, I think she's losing it as well.
Tom: Just like in that one episode where the entire crew goes
insane?
Mike: <sarcastically> Like I wouldn't know anything about that,
Tom.
Crow: Ouch! He got you there, Tom.
Tom: That hurt, Mike! You aren't playing fair.
>Computer: I have not achieved the parameters necessary to
>completely simulate a living entity.
Crow: <immediating Wes> But she still makes a hot date...
> It is hoped that by
>interaction with the crew, I might alter my virtual net
>pathways to achieve consiousness.
Tom: Oh, great, another Data.
>Riker: (to himself) Oh, boy, another Data.
Mike: Good call, Tom! Gimme five, man...
Tom: I would if I could, Mike.
>Computer: (looking directly at Riker, with a half-smile)
Crow: <immedating Wes> Hey, lady! I MADE you to love only ME!
> I
>will take that as a complement Commander Riker.
Mike: It was really an insult, but this computer is still learning.
>Picard: My primary concern is how this effects my ship.
Tom: A 23-year old beautiful woman walking about the ship will
never cause trouble.
Crow: <mimicing Smithers> But Mr. Burns, woman and seamen don't
mix!
Tom and Mike: <looking at Crow> WHAT?!
Crow: Heh heh, never mind...a stupid little Simpsons joke...
> We
>can't afford another meglomanic with total control over
>ship's functions.
Mike: <mimicing Picard> Yes, there is only room for one meglomanic
Captain on *this* ship.
>Wesley: We've cut off this simulation from the rest of the
>Enterprise's computer systems. It's not technically the
>computer, but a very big hologram program that has special
>access to the computer's records, memory, and processing
>speed.
Tom: Sounds like Prodigy.
Mike: Or maybe CompuServe.
Crow: Or any Microsoft product...
> It cannot gain access to life support or other
>functions, just like any other hologram program.
Crow: Are you ready to bet your life on that, kid?
>Riker: Just like Moriarty, eh Captain?
Tom: Oh great! Now we're in a Sherlock Holmes episode...
Mike: No Tom, you see, Data had a holodeck simulation...D'oh!!
Tom: AHA! Gotcha, Mike.
Crow: Ok, gentlemen, back into your respective corners...
>Computer: (stepping forward- a pained look on her face)
Tom: <falsetto but halted> It ... hurts ... to walk...
Crow: It's Torgo's girlfriend! AHHH!!!
Mike: What are you two talking about?
>Please give me a chance, Captain. Wesley and I have created
>a special destruct program that is independent of any other
>functions. I will give you the sequence.
All: Use it now!!! Use it now!!!
>[ Immediately, a large grey box forms around Picard,
>isolating him from the others.
All: <shocked> Waaa!!
> Before Riker can pull his
>phaser, Picard reappears.]
Mike: Riker's carrying a phaser around when there is no intruder
alert?? Picard better check to see if there is not something
going on behind his back...
>Picard: It's all right number one. I think our computer is
>still a little too direct.
Crow: <mimicing Riker> But I like my women forceful, Captain.
> Computer?
Tom: Yeeeeessssssssss?
>[the familiar beep of the computer tones]
>Computer: Yes?
>Troi: (smiling) I think we have a name conflict.
Tom: No, its just a really bad fanfic.
>Wesley: I ran into this alot when I started working on this.
>Both the Enterprise's computer and this hologram will
>respond, if you call computer, but she's decided to use
>another name to help us out.
Mike: <mimicing Wes> She's chosen 'HAL 2000'...
>Computer: You may call me Trillian.
Crow: Gee...such originality on the part of the computer.
>---------------------------------------
>[Outside the Enterprise, the golden teardrop unfolds before
>the ship.
Mike: Its the dangerous Origami people!
> Warning alarms sound throughout the ship.]
Tom: Well, at least ONE thing works on the entire ship, as
opposed to any of the crew.
>Data: Data to Captain Picard. An unidentifed craft has
>appeared one million kilometers in front of the Enterprise.
Mike: I wouldn't really call that in *front* of the ship,
Data.
>Picard: I'm on my way. Number one, with me. Counselor Troi,
>will you monitor this Trillian, and keep me abreast.
Crow: PLEASE, Mike, can't I just say *one* thing.
Mike: No, and now hush!
>Troi: Of course captain.
>Riker: (following Picard out of the holodeck) This has turned
>out to be an interesting mission after all, eh captain?
Tom: <mimicing Picard> No, not really. Wes screws up the ship,
a hostile force wants to blow us to shreds, and we still have
yet to find a plot. Just your average mission.
>Picard: That remains to be seen Number One.
Mike: Its a fanfic...I'm sure something interesting will happen
soon enough.
Crow: Like "The End"?
Mike: Sorry, Crow. I don't think thats what the author intended.
> Bridge!
Mike: Don't shout!
>[the turbolift doors shut]
Tom: <muffled> Ok, Bob, pull the cord. No, not THAT cord, yea,
yea, that one. Phew, we almost missed that cue.
>---
>Data: We have opened hailing frequencies with the unknown
>craft. It appeared shortly after a dramatic decrease in the
>field integrity of the barrior. There have been no
>significant disturbances in the barrior since then.
Mike: Technobabble interpreter, to the bridge.
>Picard: Do you think the ship is extragalactic?
Crow: You think that ship has many galaxies in it?? I think
the ship is *just* a bit on the small side to have even
one galaxy in it, much less many.
>Data: Unable to confirm Captain, but its configuration is not
>like any on record.
Tom: Gee, an unknown ship. Such an original plot twist.
>Worf: The ship has not returned our hail, Captain. Recommend
>we go to yellow alert.
Crow: <mimicing Worf> There's my one line for this week.
>Picard: If this ship _is_ extragalactic, we would be hardly
>setting a good example by assuming a defensive posture Lt.
>Worf.
Tom: Much less a poor posture. Young ships should have a good
posture, with a straight back and...
Crow: And now we will elect the Posture Prince award...
Mike: What?!
Crow: Never mind.
> Let's see what they do next.
Tom: Great, give *them* the upper hand....your shields aren't
even up!
>[ Outside, the teardrop turns to point toward the Enterprise.
>It begins to move toward the ship]
Mike: <mimicing Riker> Do you think they noticed us, Sir?
>Data: The craft is not much larger than one of our
>shuttlecraft. (touching some buttons) and there is no
>detectable life forms or energy source. Sensors indicate the
>hull is somehow solid and liquid at the same time.
Crow: Its the evil T-1000!!!
Tom: <immidating T-1000> Excuse me, sir, but have you seen this
child?
>Riker: How can that be?
Tom: It's a fanfic. ANYTHING can happen.
>[The turbolift door opens, revealing Troi, Wesley, and
>Trillian]
Crow: In a very lucid position.
Mike and Tom: CROW!
Crow: Heh heh...sorry guys.
>Picard: This is not the time counselor.
Crow: Nor the place.
Mike: <sadly shakes his head>
>Troi: The simulation insisted on coming to the bridge.
Tom: There was absolutely no action in Ten-Forward.
> It -
>she says she has something to tell you.
Tom: So, Mike, was IS the correct gender of a computer simulation?
Mike: I really don't know. Crow?
Crow: Not a clue here either.
>Picard: What is it, then?
>Trillian: Captain, the Enterprise is being hailed,
Mike: But the forecast only predicted a chance of showers. You
can never trust those weathermen.
> but not on
>a communications channel.
Tom: But actually on Pay-per-View.
> I'm not sure how, but that craft
>is attempting to communicate directly with me. It percieves
>the Enterprise to be an entity like itself and me as it's
>mind.
Tom: Sure. These guys are intergalacter travellers, and they
cant tell the difference between a ship and a living person?
>Data: There is some sort of interference with the sensors,
>captain. A high order pattern of some sort is emerging.
Mike: Oh, its just the anti-Choas theory Radicals. What a
bunch of loonies.
>Attempting to decode.
Crow: <mimicing Data> Downloading .hqx file now, sir.
>Picard: Comp - Trillian, can you contact the ship?
Mike: comp.trillian? Is that a new newsgroup, or what?
>Trillian: Let me try. (she closes her eyes.)
>Riker: I don't trust this Captain.
Crow: I hope you dont say that directly to Picard's face.
> We don't even know if
>this Trillian can be trusted.
Tom: If you can't trust a computer, who CAN you trust?
>Picard: Can we trust our own computer, Number One? I don't
>think we have a lot of choice.
Mike: Yes you do...you could have just avoided this whole fanfic
in the first place.
>[ The teardrop stops suddenly. It begins to fold and refold,
>forming in miniature the Enterprise, like a golden model,
>then returning to it's former shape.
Tom: No expense is spared to produce these amazing special
effects that you are now seeing....Of course, you'll never
see stuff like this in the real series.
> It moves quickly to the
>Enterprise's shuttle bay, as the door opens ]
Mike: Oh great, now they got their foot in the door. They're
never going to get rid of those intergalactic salesmen.
>Trillian: I have contacted the craft. It is a survey ship
>from the Andromeda galaxy. It has requested permission to
>dock with the Enterprise. I opened a shuttlebay door to let
> it in.
Crow: <mimicing Picard> How many times have I told you that you
can't sneak in your boyfriends in that way!
>Picard: What? You aren't supposed to ba able to do that
>Trillian.
Tom: <mimicing Trillian> I can do anything! I'm
Bicycle Repain Man...er Woman!
>Trillian: (suddenly, emotional) Oh, Captain, I'm sorry. I got
>carried away, I think. - I'm confused.
Crow: <halted> I'm...losing...it...I'm...losing....it..
Mike: Stop that Crow, you're scaring me...
Tom: You never lived through the horror, Mike. This is tame
compared to it.
> This is very new to
>me. I thought you would want that Captain.
Tom: <mimicing Picard> No, I wanted that other Captain.
> I'm sorry.
>(she runs from the bridge,
Crow: And jumps off into the raging water below, ending this
fanfic in the best way.
> a hand to her face)
Mike: Oh, she's faking it.
Tom: Yep, just trying to get a sympathic reaction from the crew.
>Picard: (looking at Riker) It looks like our dear Wesley's
>project has once again caused us difficultly.
Tom: Gee, we didn't see that one coming, right guys?
Mike: Nope.
Crow: Me neither.
> (*sigh*)
Mike: <mimicing Picard> This fanfic *still* isn't over.
>One thing at a time. Let's find out what our computer has
>let in our back door.
Crow: <mimicing Data> Well, sir, it was a teardrop-shaped ship..
Mike: <mimicing Picard> Enough, Mr. Data.
>End- part II
All: YEA!!!!!!!!!
Tom: Wait a second...does that line possible indicate the
excitance of a part III?
Mike: Don't even think about it.
< Suddenly there is a rattling sound in the theatre, and the
screen show a shreds a film go by, ending in a white screen. >
Mike: Hey!! We've gotta stop that!
Tom: Don't tell me you actually *cared* for that fanfic, Mike.
Mike: No, I just want to make sure that the projector is ok.
Crow, could you go check it out?
Crow: Awww, why me, Mike? Why can't you, or Tom even, go check
it out. It's always "Crow, do this", "Crow, do that",
"Crow, pick up that piece of paper"...Here I am, brain the
size of a..
Mike: Err...Crow. Two words for you... "Mostly Harmless".
Crow: <pause> (*sigh*) I'll go do it...*this* time...but just
you wait, Mr. Nelson.
< Crow leaves theatre >
< Mike streches out, then starts making shadow figures with his
hands on the white screen >
Tom: Hey, thats a good one. Ha ha! Hey, Mike, let me try one.
Mike: Er, well, ok. Go ahead, Tom.
< Tom turns sidewise and stands completely still >
< after a long pause >
Mike: Tom, what the heck is that?
Tom: Why, its a siloutte of me, you dummy.
Mike: You really don't get the point of shadow figures, do you?
< Crow's head pops into view >
Crow: Um, guys, the Mads are calling on the bridge.
Mike: Alright then, lets go.
< They leave the theater >
1...2...3...4...5...6...
Mike: Well, that was a lousy fanfic, guys.
Crow: Sure was, Mike.
Tom: Definitely. It wasn't as bad as 'Enterprized', but it still
had some 'je n'est pa' to it...
< Mads light flashes, Mike presses it >
< Deep 13 >
< Dr. F is at a blackboard that is covered with boxes and circle,
and several arrows going between them all. Frank is by the
camera, glancing back at Dr. F every once in a while. >
Dr. F: And then I'll use the telephone company to control the
KKK, and then ask the U.S. Congress for additional funding...
HA HA HA HA!!!! (continues babbling throughout )
Frank: Glad you called, boys. It seems that Dr. F was at an
all-night Illuminati maration last night, and, well...he
should be ok after a good night's sleep ... < loud laugh
from Dr. F > ... I think.
Mike: At least its nothing serious.
Frank: It may scar him for life, but at least that one less
meglomanic we'll have to worry about.
Tom: So, um, Frank, what happened to the fanfic.
Frank: Well, its seems that part 3 was never posted to
alt.startrek.creative, and we were looking forward so much
to your suffering in that part.
< On the bridge of the SoL, a festive mood comes over Mike and
the 'bots >
All: YEEAAAAAA!!! Party!!!
Frank: Hey, just you wait. There's plenty more fanfic where that
came from...we haven't even *touched* the archive site yet.
BWAHAHAHAHA!!! (continues laughing)
Crow: Mike, I'm scared.
Mike: Me too, honey.
< Back in Deep 13, both Dr. F and Frank are laughing heavily. After
much wandering around, they 'accediently' hit the button>
*END*
--
Michael K. Neylon |
Grad. Student | "There IS a *new* Mexico!"
Dept. of ChE, Univ. of Michigan | -Homer Simpson
mne...@engin.umich.edu |