REPOST: Ratliff's "The 7th Fleet" (new riffs added, formatting fixed, insulting riff snipped) [1/2]
Tv's Weretorgo
Way down in Deep 13
Dr. Forrester
And Tv's Frank
Were hatching an Evil Scheme
They found a janitor named Joel
Just a regular fellow, somewhat droll
Their experiment needed a good test case
So they conked him on the noggin and they shot him into space... (get me
down!!!!!!)
"We're sending him awful fanfics
The worst
We have read(la la la)
He'll have to sit and watch them all
Or else he won't get fed."
Now keep in mind
He can't control
When the story begins or ends
Because he used those special parts
To make his robot friends!"
ROBOT ROLL CALL!
CAMBOT (Elusive fellow)
GYPSY (What's with Basehart?)
TOM SERVO (Sarcastic little--)
CRO-O-O-O-W! (Nutball!)
If you're wondering how he lives and breathes
And other science facts (la la la)
Just repeat to yourself:
It's just a show
I should really just relax!
For Mystery Fanfic Theater: 3000!
[1...2...3...4...5...6... SOL]
[SOL. CROW and SERVO are in each others faces.]
JOEL: Oh, hi everyone, welcome to the Satellite of Love. You caught
us at an awkward time... see, both Crow and Tom are avid fans
of comedies from the thirties, aren't we all, and the
inevitable argument has just popped up--
CROW: [to SERVO] Yes, of course, but they only had TWO members, which
certainly reduces potentials!
SERVO: Yes, but they're MUCH more experienced than *your* pet band of
hoodlums, and their characters are MUCH more true to life!
CROW: But tell me, smarty pants, why they couldn't possibly sustain a
seven reel film!? Could it be because [in a mocking tone of
voice] they're too WEAK to stay in the ring?
SERVO: Oh, and *your* little pet friends could?! What about those dreary
little numbers they made with MGM!?
CROW: You *know* it's because MGM toned them down!
SERVO: Ah-HA! Then how come when MGM took over Laurel and Hardy
nothing changed!?
CROW: The Marx Brothers would win in a fight to the death, pure and
simple.
JOEL: [interjecting, to camera] It's the Big Debate: "Who would win in
a fight to the death, Laurel and Hardy or the Marx Brothers."
SERVO: You wish! Hardy could take Harpo *and* Chico! Groucho would
just run away!
CROW: Not if he was in a Paramount picture, he wouldn't!
SERVO: But he isn't!
CROW: [childishly] Yes he is!
SERVO: [childishly] No he's not!
CROW: Is too!
SERVO: Is not!
CROW: IS TOO!
SERVO: [enjoying it] Is not!
CROW: [crying] Joel, Joel! Make Servo stop!
JOEL: How about if you two compromise? Let the Marx Brothers be in
their Paramount years, [CROW looks at SERVO triumphantly] but
in return we'll put Laurel and Hardy in their vintage Hal Roach
years.
CROW: WHAT!?
[SERVO snickers]
CROW: Oh well, it doesn't matter! Harpo could still take Laurel on!
SERVO: Yes, but Hardy could dismember Chico *and* Groucho!
CROW: What about Zeppo? Huh?
SERVO: Hey, no fair! He doesn't count!
CROW: Ha-ha, sucker... it's a Paramount film, after all!
SERVO: [crying] Joel, make it fair! Crow has four and all I have are
two!
JOEL: Well... how about if we add Curly Howard to your team?
CROW: [at the same time as SERVO] No FAIR!
SERVO: [at the same time as CROW] All right!
JOEL: [as yellow light flashes] We'll be right back. [hits the light]
[commercials]
[SOL. CROW and SERVO are offscreen. JOEL is behind the desk, reading
"Harpo Speaks." In the background one can hear both "Horse Feathers" and
"Pardon Us." As JOEL reads quietly, the BOTS begin to argue again.]
CROW: Now, just *look* at that editing... or lack of same. The Marx
Brothers would be running circles around those pansies!
SERVO: Ah-HA! But look at all those jumpcuts! Either the Marx Brothers
were edited by a blind first-grader, or some "fan" decided to cut this
scene up!
CROW: Shut up! At least it means that people actually *wanted* to watch
this movie. Even in an era of the Hays Code!
SERVO: Oh, bite me.
[Silence, save for the movies.]
CROW: Actually... that Laurel is pretty funny.
[Red light begins flashing. JOEL, not looking up from his book, smacks
the button.]
[Deep 13. DR. F is center screen.]
DR. F: Well, hello, Joel T. Humphinbouchin. I hope you have an Invention
for us?
[SOL. CROW and SERVO have both stopped watching their movies, and are
behind the desk with JOEL. JOEL is holding a contraption, which appears
to be a Game Gear, connected to a wire, which is plugged into John
Grisham's "The Pelican Brief."]
JOEL: Of course we do. Our invention for this week is, well, an amusment
piece. See, I was partaking in a reading of John Grisham's "The Pelican
Brief," and I suddenly realized that, well, "this is crap." And I thought
that many Americans felt the same way about him and many of his peers. So
I, with the help of my friends, designed this "AuthorReplacementer 5000."
See, [he picks up the Game Gear] this gadget can tell the author by his
or her writing style-
CROW: Or lack of same!
JOEL: And instantly project what the author would face if they were in
ancient Greece.
CROW: Back when they still respected Art!
JOEL: So, I plugged in a copy of "The Pelican Brief," now let's see...
[pushes several buttons on the Game Gear. He watches the screen and
begins laughing] See, it seems they've sacrificed him to Apollo!
CROW: Oooh, ooh ooh, my turn! I'm going to go with a copy of Tom Clancy's
latest rightwing Red Scare book, "Politika." Joel, if you will? [JOEL
plugs in "Politika" where "The Pelican Brief" used to be, and hits some
buttons. CROW watches and laughs at the result.] Oooh, seems like our
friend Mister Clancy has been struck down by Zeus, as a
punishment for going against the will of the gods! It's a riot!
SERVO: [to CROW] Yes, I know. [to camera] I decided to try a different
route, and selected Dalton Trumbo's excellent classic, "Johnny Got His
Gun." Joel? [JOEL loads the book and pushes the buttons. SERVO looks and
nods] Yes, just as I thought. They made Mister Trumbo an honorary scribe,
Athena's left hand man! See? It works!
JOEL: So what do you think, sirs?
[DEEP 13]
DR. F: Mmmm... interesting... but, not half as fascinating as ours...
Frank, if you will?
[FRANK comes in from offscreen. He is carrying what appears to be a
camcorder and VCR in one.]
FRANK: I designed this latest invention... see, I was wondering, what if
Freddy and Jason were to appear together in a movie that *wasn't*
controlled by Hollywoods' big budget titans.
DR. F: In other words, if they were to actually appear together in a
RELEASED movie.
FRANK: Exactly. So I invented the CrossProjector. See, just grab a copy
of the classic "Friday the 13th Part 8, Jason Takes Manhatten" [he puts
that tape in the VCR] and the timeless "Nightmare on Elm Street, Part
Three: The Dream Warriors." [puts that tape in the camcorder] And look!
[he looks into the viewfinder] [a pause] See? They killed each other
within four minutes! And Heather Langenkamp is nothing more than a
quivering, twitching, poorly-acted bloody mess! Wonderful!
DR. F: Yes, charming. [to JOEL] Well, time for Deep Hurting.
[SOL]
JOEL: Another Gamera movie?
[DEEP 13]
DR. F: Worse than that.
[SOL]
JOEL: Manos II?
[DEEP 13]
DR. F: Worse...
[SOL]
JOEL: You couldn't mean...?
[DEEP 13]
DR. F: A Ratliff Marrissa fic? But of course, my dear. I wish you, and
your sanity, the best of luck. [to FRANK] Push the button, Franky.
[SOL, lights flashing]
CROW: [to camera] Say, could we see that CrossProwhozat for this Ratliff
thing?
JOEL: It only works on horror movies! WE HAVE FANFIC SIGN!
[6...5...4...3...2...1... THEATER]
>
> The Seventh Fleet
SERVO: Seven is a number used often in the Bible. Could it be that
Ratliff is in fact making a serious statement about how Star Trek seems
to shy away from organized religion?
JOEL: Mmmm... no.
>
> Cast in order of appearance:
Joel: Red Alert! Brace for Ratliff Introductions!
>
> Rear-Admiral Jean-Luc Picard Commanding USS Enterprise
> Commanding Third Fleet
SERVO: Three, as in the Trinity. I really believe that Steve-o is writing
a veiled commentary on how religious matters are being shoved to the side
or even negatively portrayed in Trek!
JOEL: I don't think so.
SERVO: No, really! This fanfic will be a symbolic battle between the
religously faithful and the secular majority!
JOEL: I don't think so.
SERVO: Are the believers the bad guys for their fanatical intolerance for
a world without open religion? Or is it the secularists who are evil, for
imposing a system where individualism is undesirable and matters of faith
are hidden?
JOEL: I don't think so.
SERVO: I'm deluding myself, aren't I?
JOEL: I think so.
> Lt. Clara Sutter Junior Assistant Chief
Engineer, USS Enterprise
CROW: This sounds like a Dilbert title.
JOEL: She was just promoted from Senior Assistant Secondary Chief
Engineer in training.
> Lt. Cdr Marrissa Picard First Officer, USS Stargazer
ALL: [reciting in unison, dully] ... Fighter Commander of the USS
Stargazer, Lord High Admiral of Star Fleet Kids Crews, Princess and heir
to the throne of Essex, and the greatest teenager in the history of
humanity....
SERVO: So apparently there were no officers on the USS Stargazer before
this fanfic?
JOEL: Yes, actually.
> Lt. Jay Gordon Second Officer, USS Stargazer
> Lt. Ross Lochard Chief of Security, USS
> Stargazer
CROW: Not a very good one if he lets little girls run around on the
bridge.
> Lt. Katherine Lochard Assistant Fighter Commander,
> USS Stargazer
> Cpt. Sinclair Commanding, USS Armageddon
> Lt. Virginia Szustakowski Chief Engineer, USS
> Stargazer
> Jacqueline "Jackie" Picard Marrissa's sister (age 2)
SERVO: ...and Commanding Officer, USS Deep Hurting.
CROW: I see JFK's widow remarried *again*. Sheesh, and her name just
keeps getting weirder, too.
> Dr. Beverly Picard Mother of Jackie
JOEL: And good for nothing else.
CROW: In the Ratliffverse, any married female over 40 without "command"
or "typing" skills is officially demoted to "baby factory."
> Tom Cox The babysitter
JOEL: He had the title role in "Don't Tell Mom, Tom Cox is Dead."
> Rene Picard, jr Son of Isabelle and the late Rene
> Picard (age 2)
SERVO: Commanding Officer, USS Painful Story.
> Theresa Picard Aunt of Rene Picard, jr (age 5)
CROW: Rene Jr. later commanded a task force of the USS Hideous Fanfic,
the USS Plotless Nonsense, and the USS Big Stinking Load of Crap.
> Lieutenant Williams Chief Engineer, USS Nimitz
> Cpt Greer Commanding, USS Virginia,
> later USS Nimitz
SERVO: Queer old Captain Greer, commanding the Nimitz.
> Cpt William T. Riker First Officer, USS
> Enterprise
> Cdr Data Second Officer, USS
> Enterprise
JOEL: This list isn't enough... anyone have a program?
> Adm Victor Griest Asst Chief of Star Fleet
Operations
SERVO: [as list ends] Never has there been a more wretched hive of scum
and villainy.
CROW: Now THAT's the kind of list we've come to expect from a Ratliff
production.
>
> Prologue
SERVO: Oh, God, we're only now just starting.
>
> The Enterprise-E felt empty without the children.
SERVO: No children?
JOEL: Must have been anti-Ratliff gas.
> That was a statement
> that Jean-Luc had never thought he would make. He never wanted a
> command with families; not that the Enterprise-E had as many as the
> Enterprise-D had had.
[silence]
CROW: [whining] My parser hurts!
JOEL: There, there... how about a baby aspirin when we finish?
> However with his own family gone, the ship seemed to be
> missing something.
CROW: Apparently when his wife left him she took the kids *and* the warp
core with her.
> He'd sent Beverly, Jackie, and Nicholas to live on Earth for
> the duration of the war.
SERVO: Nicholas ran away to Vegas to drink himself to death, and Jackie's
husband was assassinated by a "lone gunman."
JOEL: One more JFK joke and we hit quota.
> The Rear Admiral had once felt that that a
> starship was no place for children. Without his own, however, he
> prowled the halls of the Enterprise in search of something to
CROW: ...kill and eat.
> fill that hole in his
> life.
SERVO: Unsurprisingly, he found it in hard liquor.
> Just three and a half, almost four, years ago, he would have
> never done this. Then he had met and adopted Marrissa. That young
> girl had changed him more than he would admit.
CROW: After the lobotomy, he was powerless to stop her quest to become
queen of the multiverse.
> He married Beverly Crusher, and together
> had now not one but two children, a cute little two year old girl
> who knew just how to get her way with her father, and a new born
> baby boy. Beverly accused him of spoiling little Jackie,
JOEL: [as Beverly] You keep leaving her outside of the freezer!
SERVO: [as Beverly] And you never seal the plastic bag right!
CROW: [as Jean-Luc, henpecked] I just don't know how to use the
Saranwrap, dear.
> but when that little girl looked up
> with her beautiful blue eyes and tossed back a wisp of her
> strawberry blond hair in a gesture that so reminded him of Beverly,
> he just had to cave in.
SERVO: [sighing] Now if only Marrissa's skull would do that.
> Up ahead was the deck 20 rear observation lounge, a small
> lounge that was a good place to watch the stars go by. It was where
> he use to
SERVO: USED! USED! LEARN TO SPEAK ENGLISH!
JOEL: [to SERVO] Now you're just overreacting.
CROW: Yeah, ignore the minor grammar errors and focus on the major plot
errors.
SERVO: I just yearn for the days when the atrocious grammar and spelling
distracted me from the sheer pointlessness of it all.
> find
> Marrissa when she was troubled back before she left her post as the
> Enterprise's Chief of Security to become first Fighter Commander,
> then First Officer of the Stargazer.
CROW: A few commas would help... but where?
JOEL: How about "It was where he used to find, Marrissa, when she was a
troubled back, before she left her post as the Enterprise's
Chief of Security to become the first Fighter, Commander, then
First Officer of the Stargazer."
[stunned silence for a second]
SERVO: Joel, please don't ever do that again.
CROW: Yeah, you overloaded my parser worse than Ratliff *ever* did.
> He'd stopped there every night since
> Beverly and the children had left.
> This time it wasn't empty though.
SERVO: [as Picard] Who put all these beer kegs in here?
> Clara Sutter, his oldest
> daughter's best friend, was laying on one of the couches,
JOEL: Stoned out of her mind.
> and looking at the stars.
> "Mind if I come in, Clara?" Jean-Luc asked.
CROW: [as Picard] Because, you know, my wife left me and I've been
feeling really lonely...
JOEL: Oh, Crow, don't go *there!* Yuck!
> "Come right in Captain," Clara said, knowing his preference
> for not using his full rank unless necessary.
> He took a seat on a nearby chair, and looked at the young
> lady.
SERVO: [Pe-Pe LePew] Ooooh, if only she spoke French.
> Only
> thirteen years old, and an Assistant Chief Engineer on a starship,
> the Lieutenant had accomplished a lot.
CROW: Oh, come on. They only gave her that rank out of respect for their
elders.
> Commander La Forge called her his
> most promising officer, a title he did not bestow often. In fact,
> since La Forge had become Chief Engineer, only Wesley, Ensign
> Lefler, and Clara had been accorded that title. Clara was normally
> a confident girl, she took to the Engine Room like she had been born
> into it.
SERVO: Well, born *in* it, actually.
> In her element, she was
> unshakable. Tonight however, she didn't look so sure of herself.
JOEL: [as nervous Clara] Gosh, I'd feel a lot better if there was a huge
and nightmarishly complex generator barely containing colossal explosions
in here.
> "Troubled tonight, Clara?" Jean-Luc Picard inquired.
> "Does it show?" Clara asked.
CROW: [as Picard] Of course not, Clara.. a little paint and some
curtains, and it'll be hardly conspicuous.
> "Not really," Picard replied. "It's just that I find the
> people tend to visit this lounge when they need to think."
JOEL: [as smug, godlike Picard] I watch the people now and then.
Sometimes their insignificant actions amuse me.
> "Oh," Clara said. After a moment's silence, she continued.
> "I guess I am a little troubled. I just heard that the Seventh
> Fleet is going to make an attack deep into Cardassian territory."
JOEL: Oh, you know, if little girls know about your operation it's a
*good* sign that security is blown.
> "Worried about your best friend?" Jean-Luc Picard asked.
SERVO: [as Clara] Not really... she IS immortal and all.
> "A little," Clara said. "I mean Marrissa's gotten in and
> out of battles before, but we're at war now, and before I've always
> been right there.
CROW: [as Clara] Cowering in the corner.
> I've never had to wonder how she was doing."
SERVO: [as Clara] Usually her ego was so large I could pick it up on a
tricorder in a different star system.
> "I'm worried about her too," Jean-Luc Picard said. "I keep
> telling myself that she's a big girl now, First Officer of her
> starship. She can take care of herself.
JOEL: [as Picard, read as poetry] That it's her party, and she can cry if
she wants to, cry if she wants to, cry if she wants to.
CROW: In all fairness, you would cry too if it happened to you.
> Then I keep remembering how she was that first month
> after I adopted her, when ever comment put her in tears.
CROW: [as Picard] God, I hate teenagers.
> I remember every
> time she got hurt, and my mind starts imagining what could be
> happening too her.
SERVO: [Picard] It makes me feel all tingly and warm inside.
> But I have to put that aside.
JOEL: [as Picard] Fun can wait.
> I am a starship Captain. I have a
> ship and a fleet to command. I can worry about her latter."
CROW: [as Picard] I'm pretty confident about her former, but her latter
keeps me up at nights.
> "So you do your duties during the day, and end up haunting
> the ship at night," Clara summarized.
JOEL: [as Picard] Yeah... until Bill Murray and Dan Aykroyd started
shooting me with proton packs...
> Rear Admiral Picard nodded and they lapsed back into
> silence.
SERVO: For those of you too stupid to follow the lack of action in this
sequence, we provide this convenient summary. Of nothing.
> He turned
> toward the window, and for awhile, the two watched the stars streak
> by as the Enterprise patrolled.
>
> Chapter One
CROW: Audience: zero.
>
> The bridge of the Stargazer was in pretty good condition,
> all things considered.
JOEL: [as Marrissa] What's this NPR crap? I want to hear 'Mmmmbop', and I
want it now!
> After all they were in battle, and the fleet they were
> part of had been reduced from 114 to less than twenty. So the
> blackened Ops console, and the shattered panel next to the Captain's
> Chair was to be expected.
JOEL: [as Captain] The maid hasn't cleaned yet, sorry about the mess.
CROW: Ahh, just throw a few throw pillows here and there, you'll never
know the difference!
> Lieutenant Commander Marrissa Picard was in command, since
> Captain T'Gwen Washington had been taken to Sickbay. Lieutenant
> Ross Lochard was at tactical, his wife Kathy was at the helm.
CROW: His fourth cousin Billy Bob was at the engineering station.
> The Second
> Officer, Lieutenant Jay Gordon held the Fighter Command station, but
> was functioning as Operations Officer.
SERVO: [yawning] Fascinating.
JOEL: [as Ratliff] ...And they were all introducing themselves to each
other.
> "Kathy, hard to port, Ross, fire torpedoes, 32 mark 5, now"
> Marrissa ordered. "Jay, fleet status."
CROW: Oh poopie. A Ratliff battle scene.
JOEL: Well, at least we can get some rest from the normal fast pace of
the fanfic.
> "The Kennedy had just been destroyed,"
JOEL: [as Jay] The torpedoes came from the Grassy Knoll Nebula, sir!
> Jay announced. "We've still
> got the Armageddon,
SERVO: Bruce Willis,
> the Hikura,
SERVO: Japan,
> the Hermes,
SERVO: Mount Olympus,
> the Virginia,
SERVO: Fat, dumb cops,
> the Rabin,
SERVO: Edger Allen Poe with a headcold,
[JOEL and CROW turn and begin to stare at SERVO]
> the
> Churchill,
SERVO: Some jerk named Winston,
> the Majestic,
SERVO: Stupid Adjectives for Starship Names.
> the Kentucky,
SERVO: Stephen's horse fetish shining through,
> the Paris,
SERVO: France,
> the Devin,
SERVO: Satan, furious of the mis-spelling of his alias,
> the Nimitz,
SERVO: Captain Valadez,
> the Pike,
SERVO: Fish
> the Sullivans
SERVO: The pelvis of Elvis
> and us.
SERVO: No comment.
JOEL: [to SERVO] I think you're losing it, pard.
CROW: [as Jay] Meanwhile, three more ships were destroyed during that
lengthy report.
> The enemy forces have been reduced to 30
> ships."
JOEL: [as Marrissa] What are their names?
> "What's the kill score?" Ross asked.
> "101 them, 134 us," Jay said.
> "I'd say we were willing if it weren't for the number left,"
> Ross
JOEL: Eh?
CROW: At least Ratliff's back to his usual level of incoherency.
> commented as the Stargazer made another pass on a Jem'Hadar ship.
SERVO: Hey, Jemmie-baby, nice nacelles! Wanna go to a quiet nebula
somewhere for a little anti-matter? Maybe we could link structural
integrity fields later... hey Jemmie, where are you going?
> "Jay, who is in command of the fleet?" Marrissa asked.
JOEL: Duhh... Marrissa, think carefully: You Marrissa. This Ratliff
fanfic.
> "No one has sent any orders since Captain Thompson and the
> Harriman were destroyed,"
CROW: [as Jay] So we've pretty much just sat around and let the Jem'Hadar
pick us off.
> Jay said. "Why, do you have a plan to get us out of
> here?"
SERVO: [as Marrissa] No, but this seems like the perfect time to make
myself a Fleet Commander.
> "I'm working on one," Marrissa said. "How far apart are the
> two stars in this system?"
> "Point two A.U.s," Jay replied.
> "Perfect," Marrissa smiled. "Open a secure channel to all
> Star Fleet Vessels."
> "Channel open," Jay replied.
> "This is Picard of the Stargazer,"
JOEL: Just "Picard"? Not using a single one of her three dozen titles?
SERVO: I think it's like Prince. In the next fanfic she'll be represented
by unpronounceable ASCII art.
> Marrissa began. "I think I can
> get us out of here. Any objections?"
CROW: [as a crew member] Yeah, I want to stay here and get killed.
JOEL: [as a crew member] I call dibs on being taken prisoner and
tortured!
> After a brief pause, a response came in, "This is Captain
> Sinclair of the Armageddon, if you've got a way out, we'll take it.
> However, I have lost warp drive."
SERVO: [to JOEL] I didn't know humans had warp drive in the first place.
JOEL: [uneasily] Well, ahh, lemme tell you about the "birds, the bees,
and Stephen Ratliff." Later on, though.
> "All ships, send a status report," Marrissa ordered.
ALL: [in unison] All ships getting whupped, sir!
> "Virginia,
> Churchill, Majestic, break off and set your sites on a the ship
> designated target Gamma Four. Armageddon,
CROW: [as Marrissa, deadpan] Yippey-kai-yea, motherfu--
JOEL: [warningly] Crow, don't make me wash your mouth out with WD-40 next
break.
> draw the fire off those three and lead
> them towards the Kentucky. Pike, Sullivans, converge on the
> Kentucky. Stand by for further orders."
SERVO: [as Marrissa, ordering] Oh, and Jay, stand by to give tongue bath.
> Marrissa turned back towards Jay and said, "I'm going to
> need Lieutenant Szustakowski on the Bridge. She has some experience
> with shield linking and warp field theory was her Engineering
> concentration."
JOEL: How will linking panty shields help the situation?
CROW: Well, the deluxe models have wings, and a "new, improved barrier"
for extra protection.
> "She's on her way," Jay informed. "It appears that our only
> problem of immediate concern on the fleet is the Armageddon's warp
> drive."
CROW: Ignoring the thirty enemy ships, of course.
> "That's not going to repair itself," Lieutenant Ross Lockard
> stated.
> "We'll find a way to bring them along," Marrissa stated as
> Lieutenant Virginia Szustakowski entered the bridge.
SERVO: [as Marrissa] Since we'll probably need to justify the four-page
cast list.
> "Reporting as ordered Captain," the Chief Engineer said.
> "Gina, if we were to run a group of ships between those two
> stars at say, warp 4, would that cause enough tidal forces to cause
> a nova?" Marrissa asked.
JOEL: [as Szustakowski] No, but if I get the wave machine from the
swimming pool on deck twelve...
> "You'd have to link up all the ship's shields, synchronize
> all the warp fields, and maintain a fairly rigid formation,
CROW: Gaggh! Not synchronized Spaceship swimming!
JOEL: [deep, evil voice] And you thought it could not be done.
> but yes," Szustakowski said.
> "Can we do it with the current ships and tow the Armageddon
> along," Marrissa inquired.
> "Towing the Armageddon makes it harder, but I think we can do
> it,"
SERVO: Well, sure, once you throw in some SciFi technodrivel and some
typical Ratliffian implausibility, it could happen.
> the
> Chief Engineer replied, her mind going though the necessary equations.
> "The Stargazer would have to lead, and we'd have to have three rings of
> four starships behind her."
CROW: [as Gina] And I'll need some paper clips, a kazoo, some fresh gagh,
a Popeil's pocket fisherman, a spiral-cut ham, a towel and a pan-galactic
gargle blaster.
> "Get me that formation," Marrissa said. "Open that channel
> again Jay. We may get out of this yet."
JOEL: [as Marrissa] Break the fourth wall, then we're *outta* Ratliff
land!
CROW: [as Jay] But wouldn't that mean sacrificing every single one of
your ten thousand ranks?
JOEL: [as Marrissa] Damn the approaching plausibility, full speed ahead!
> "All ships are listening," Jay responded.
SERVO: [as Jay] Oh, except for that *one.*
> "Ok, this is going to be tricky everyone," Marrissa began.
> "We're going to attempt the Flare escape.
JOEL: [as Marrissa] That's where I change into my dad's old Friday night
outfit, then scare the crap out of the enemy!
> I'm transmitting the courses you will need to
> take and targets to hit along the way. Be ready to link shields and
> warp fields. Armageddon, you'll need to be in position early. We'll
> be towing you in the center of the formation."
SERVO: So, what are the bad guys doing right now?
> "Understood Stargazer," the Armageddon's captain replied. "But
> if we don't make it to your formation in time, leave without us."
> "That's a no go, Armageddon," Marrissa replied. "I intend to
> take all of the ships out of here."
SERVO: So the enemy has decided to wait around and not fire at the
Stargazer while they were thinking up this plan?
CROW: Pretty much.
[commercials]
>
> As the ships moved toward the two stars, they shot passed
> Jem'Hadar ships.
> A Jem'Hadar Battle cruiser met its doom in the fire of the Armageddon,
> the Virginia, and the Kentucky. The Pike and the Majestic pulled off
> a strategic snip job
SERVO: I sure hope Ratliff knows what he's talking about. Lord knows *I*
don't.
> on several Cardassian warships as they flew past to take
> up position behind the Kentucky. The Churchill, Nimitz, and the
> Sullivans made mincemeat of three Jem'Hadar scouts coming up behind the
> Stargazer.
CROW: Ensign! Set phasers to "chop finely!"
> The flurry of fire caused a momentary halt in the Cardassian-Dominion
> forces.
SERVO: [as Jem'Hadar] Ye gods, they destroyed three of our light fighter
spacecraft! All ships halt so we can study this and plan another
method of assault!
> The Star Fleet vessels took advantage of that brief pause. They
> took up formation. The Stargazer lead the formation, with the
> Kentucky, the Virginia, the Churchill, and the Majestic behind and
> above, below and to the right and left of her.
CROW: Wow, that one ship is just all *over* the place!
> Behind them was the Rabin, the Paris, the
> Pike, and the Hikura, Finally the last row was the Devin, the Nimitz,
> the Sullivans, and the Hermes.
JOEL: And then they all introduced themselves to one another.
SERVO: But who was at Tactical? I must know or the rest of the fanfic
won't make any sense!
>
> On the bridge of the Stargazer, things were busy, but not so
> busy that Marrissa didn't notice one ship's absence.
CROW: For Marrissa sees all! Marrissa hears all! And Marrissa knows all!
All bow down to the almighty Marrissa!
> As she looked for it, her crew
> prepared for the last ditch maneuver. The Flare maneuver was a single
> ship tactic usually done by pirates.
SERVO: The *Pittsburgh* Pirates.
JOEL: [to SERVO] Since when do you know about football?
SERVO: Oh, I pick it up here and there...
> It had never been tried in such a way.
> Usually it sent a solar flare in the wake of the ship, preventing
> anyone from following and totally disrupting the warp trail.
CROW: Sometimes, however, it sent super-heated plasma into the warp core,
causing a catastrophic breech that blew the ship and its inhabitants into
their component sub-atomic particles. But heck, you pays your money, you
takes your chances.
> "Shields are matched," Lieutenant Ross Lochard announced.
> "Metagenic configuration confirmed."
> "Warp field generators synchronized," Lieutenant Szustakowski
> announced.
> "Where is the Armageddon?" Marrissa asked.
SERVO: That's it? That's all we get for technobabble? Come on, let's
reverse the field polarity of the anti-matter induction coils, narrow the
warp core's annular confinement beam, and reconfigure the main deflector
dish to send an inverted tachyon beam through the emitter array!
> "She's harrying the rear of the Cardassian / Jem'Hadar lines,"
> Jay announced. "She's got all their attention at the moment.
JOEL: [normally, not sarcastically] Oh, what a brilliant strategy! Ignore
the fleet getting in formation in favor of one crippled ship!
> Sir, we can't
> delay. They are turning back towards us."
> "Open a channel to the Armageddon," Marrissa ordered.
> "Channel open," Jay replied.
> "On screen," Marrissa ordered. A man with gray hair appeared
> on screen.
> His captain's uniform was streaked with soot and his bridge looked like
> a tornado had hit it. "Captain Sinclair, what do you think you are
> doing.
SERVO: [as Marrissa] Why won't you give us back our question marks.
> I'm trying to save all of us, and you're ruining it."
> "Commander Picard, you need us to keep their attention more
> than you need us taking power to be towed out of here," Sinclair
> responded. "I can be more help for you distracting them."
> "I'll be the judge of that," Marrissa stated.
JOEL: Judge, jury, *and* executioner.
> "No, I will," Sinclair said.
SERVO: [as Sinclair] I wanna be the martyr!
JOEL: [as Marrissa] No, I wanna be!
> "I am the most senior officer here, and
> I'm ordering you to leave now."
CROW: My God... he actually stood up to Marrissa.
> "Sir," Marrissa began to say.
SERVO: And the battle escalates into a bitter, heated contest of "am
not," "are too."
> "Go Lieutenant Commander," Sinclair said. "And take good care
> of those ships. Your are the best chance that they will see home."
> "Understood, Stargazer out," Marrissa ordered,
JOEL: Man, you become God of the ship for three years, and before you
know it everything you say is an *order.*
> moving back to take her
> seat. "Kathy, set a course directly between those stars. Straight
> line, middle of the way, warp eight, engage."
>
> The whole formation of the starships went into warp,
SERVO: And burst into flames.
> rushing between the
> stars. The massive warp field passed between the stars in
> milliseconds, creating a reaction that no ship in the system had time >
to escape.
CROW: Could it be?
JOEL: Yes, I think it just said that.
SERVO: Do we dare hope that...?
> A flare
> shot out in the direction the ships had went, then back the way they
> had come.
JOEL: Crow, you may be tempted to offer alternatives to Ratliffs
unstandard usage of the word "come..." but don't.
> The stars collapsed, then expanded into supernovas. In an instant
> the Armageddon and all the Jem'Hadar and Cardassian ships in the system
> were reduced to their component atoms.
JOEL: [excitedly] Does this mean that...
SERVO: [same] I believe it does!
> The base, which the forth fleet had
> come to destroy, was vaporized.
SERVO: Woo-hoo! Bye bye Marrissa!
> The Seventh Fleet's mission had been
> accomplished at the price of two stars, and the starship Armageddon.
SERVO: And most, if not all, the planets in the system.
JOEL: On that cheery note...
[JOEL picks SERVO up and they leave]
[1...2...3...4...5...6... SOL]
[CROW is center, looking depressed. JOEL and SERVO are screen right and
left, respectfully.]
CROW: I just can't believe it. All those planets, all those inhabitants,
just gone. And you know, I thought I felt a tremendous disturbance in the
force. Did you guys feel a disturbance in the force?
[SERVO blows a strawberry out of his dome at JOEL. JOEL catches it in a
cup that already has some strawberries, milk, and ice cream in it.]
CROW: All those innocent lives . . .
JOEL: Come on, Crow, who says they were innocent anyway? I mean, maybe
they got what they deserved.
CROW: What?
SERVO: Yeah, Crow. Suppose the fourth planet of one star contained a
civilization of Pol Pots, Stalins, and Hitlers? Aren't you glad they're
gone?
CROW: Well, I guess I never really thought about... [SERVO launches
another strawberry. JOEL catches this in his cup also.]
JOEL: [mostly trying to pacifate CROW] Of course you didn't. The third
planet of the other star was populated by Robert James Waller, the people
who write those Chicken Soup for the Soul books, the entire cast of
Touched by an Angel, and everyone who thinks Family Circus is funny.
CROW: [shudders] Wow, that's scary. So, you're saying maybe their
destruction was a good thing? [straightens up and looks a little more
cheerful]
SERVO: Oh, absolutely. We haven't even discussed the fifth planet. I
don't know if we want to go there. [SERVO shoots another strawberry, JOEL
catches this and puts the cup onto a blender, turning it on to make a
strawberry shake.]
CROW: No, come on guys, this is working. Let's hear about planet number
five.
JOEL: Okay, if you must. Planet number five contained Robert McElwaine,
Kathie Lee Gifford, O.J. Simpson, Joe Eszterhaus, Pat Buchanan, Coleman
Francis, Hal P. Warren, Ludwig Plutonium, Martha Stewart, John _-_
Winston, Ed Wood Jr., John Tesh, Alexander Abian, and every known
recording of that Celine Dion Titanic song.
CROW: [Now looking positively perky] Wow! And Marrissa destroyed all that
evil! Thanks, Marrissa! [SERVO launches another strawberry at JOEL, not
realizing that JOEL no longer has the cup. It hits JOEL on the cheek.]
JOEL: Ouch. [rubs cheek where it hit] Servo, you're getting a little
carried away. [yellow light flashes] [to camera] We have commercial sign,
we'll be right back.
CROW: [breaking mood] Hey, since when did you take up drinking strawberry
shakes?
JOEL: Marrissa just makes them look *so* good. [Smacks light]
[Commercials]
>
>
> Chapter Two
[they enter and take their normal seats.]
JOEL: Actually, I have decided that this strawberry shake is as evil
tasting as Hamdingers.
>
> The twilight of the night shift had descended on the
> Enterprise.
JOEL: How could it be twilight in space?
> Once
> again Captain Picard found himself walking towards the aft observation
> lounge.
CROW: NOO! It's starting over!
> He was not surprised to find Clara sitting there for the second
> night in a row.
SERVO: [as Picard] Don't you have work to do?
> The Seventh Fleet had been due in earlier in the day. The
> only news they had gotten was that their target had been destroyed in a
> supernova.
JOEL: Along with two stars, eleven planets, 27 moons, 3 sentient
civilizations, and one very scenic asteroid belt.
SERVO: And two hard boiled eggs.
> Of the Seventh Fleet there was no word.
CROW: Let's try to keep it that way.
> "Good Evening, Clara," Jean-Luc Picard greeted.
> "Captain," Clara responded, staring at the stars. The time
> passed for a while in silence. The two just looking at the stars,
> their thoughts with a young teenage girl light-years away.
SERVO: [as Clara] Well. [pause] I'm glad we're having this moment.
> "When I was little, I use to go out into the vineyard
JOEL: It belonged to my neighbor, Martha.
> and stare up at the
> stars," Jean-Luc Picard commented. "They seemed to beckon to me. They
> told me
CROW: [as Picard] To kill my parents and worship Satan.
> of adventures and people to meet. They were figures of permanence
> that were waiting for me to explore, unchanging though the ages."
JOEL: [as Picard] They taunted me with their impudent twinkling, until I
cleverly fashioned a hat of Reynolds Wrap. Taunt me now, you stupid
stars!
> "They don't seem so unchanging now," Clara commented. "Not
> when two of them has blown up so unexpectantly."
SERVO: [as Picard] Yes, two of them has blown up. How were your day
today?
> "Star Fleet Science is looking into it," Picard said. "I'm
> really regretting approving her transfer. That girl has a habit of
JOEL: ...overthrowing her far more capable commanding officers and
mysteriously beating idiotic opponents using stupid command techniques.
> running into
> trouble."
> "And coming up smelling of roses," Clara commented.
CROW: Well, "smelling," at least.
> "She does have the best luck," Picard said.
SERVO: [as Picard] It's almost as if, somewhere, some powerful being had
control of all the forces in the universe, and manipulated them just for
. . . nah, what am I *thinking?*
> "Yeah, but sometime that has to run out," Clara said, pulling
> her hair back behind her shoulders.
JOEL: [as Picard] Just keep telling yourself that, honey.
> "Nonsense, Marrissa can get out of any situation she gets
> into," Picard said. "She's First Officer on the Stargazer, doing the
> impossible is part of the job description. Don't worry, she'll be
> back."
> "I guess," Clara said. "What brought you here?"
SERVO: [as Picard] Ratliff's need for Exposition and Character
Development.
> "I'm worried about Marrissa," Jean-Luc Picard responded,
> staring at the stars.
> "Oh."
CROW: This makes "2001: A Space Odyssey" seem like a snappy series of
one-liners.
>
> It didn't take long for the fleet to pass by the two stars.
JOEL: [pause] Nope. Sure didn't.
SERVO: [pause] [Picard] Well. I guess these things just happen. Huh.
So... [pause] how are you, Clara? Oh... yeah, we already answered that
question. [pause] Well.
> Even so,
> keeping the combined warp field of the dozen ships balanced was a tough
> job. It wasn't easy on the engines either. "Commander, we've got to
> pull out of this warp field joining," the Chief Engineer said. "I'm
> not sure how much longer the engines can take it.
SERVO: [as Scotty] I dinna thenk-
JOEL: No.
SERVO: But-
JOEL: No!
> They won't make it back to the
> border."
> "Disengage link up," Marrissa ordered.
CROW: [as Marrissa] Ignite cigarettes! Activate glowing post-coital
chatter!
> "We need some place quite to
> make repairs. "How far is the Garrison Nebula?"
> "3 light years," Kathy said from the helm.
> "Have the fleet change course to the Nebula," Marrissa ordered.
> "We'll lay low there for a day or so. Inform the fleet that once we
> are in the nebula, we will be under radio silence. Messages will be
> passed by fighter craft patrols.
JOEL: [as Marrissa] All hands to my deck for a game of Telephone.
> All ships should be spread just outside of visual range of
> each other once we enter the nebula. Jay, set up a patrol rotation.
CROW: That actually makes sense.
> Fighter Bay, prep Sweet Success for use."
CROW: *That* didn't.
> "You're not considering going out there?" Jay stated.
> "Jay, forget about the objections, and just provide her with an
> escort,"
> Ross advised. "It works better that way."
CROW: I think the phrase you're looking for is "submit graciously," Ross.
> Marrissa ignored the conversation as the entered the Nebula.
>
JOEL: She had her headset on, and the Hanson was cranked up.
> Marrissa had just checked on her Captain. The half-Vulcan was
> still in a Vulcan healing trance.
SERVO: When the hell was this established??
CROW: In the now-famous "coherant" scene, missing since the first draft.
> Doctor Johnson did not expect her to need to leave
> it for at least 72 hours. With that established, Marrissa was on her
> way to the fighter bay.
SERVO: [singing] On her way to the fighter bay, all her troubles seem so
far away...
> She intended to meet with all the Captains of the
> other starships in the Seventh Fleet and make a plan to get back to the
> Federation lines.
JOEL: Easy. Find someone who's opposed her recently and send him out in a
shuttlecraft to draw the Jem'Hadar's fire.
> The door to the Fighter bay opened. Her personal fighter
> craft, a gift from the people of Essex for her fifteenth birthday,
CROW: Gift, product of slave labor... same thing.
> was sitting at the
> ready. If it wasn't for one thing, she could have just climbed in and
> headed out. Lieutenant Jay Gordon was taking a nap accross it's nose
> and cockpit glass.
JOEL: And there were three dead romulans tied to the roof rack.
CROW: --Underneath him.
> "Jay, I'd like to be able to take my fighter out," Marrissa
> stated.
CROW: [as Jay, stoned voice] Heh heh. How's it feel to want? Heh heh heh.
> Jay opened his eyes, and said, "Sorry Commander, but you aren't
> leaving this ship."
SERVO: Woohoo! Jay mutinees at last!
> "And why is that," Marrissa said. "I've got to see my fellow
> Captains."
> "Commander, you are acting Captain of this ship, your place is
> in command of her, not out flying around a nebula."
JOEL: [as Marrissa, whining] But I WANNA! I really really WANNA!
> "I'm also commanding this fleet,
SERVO: Oh, come on. She can't have killed off *all* the higher ranking
officers already.
> I have to see to it's composition as
> well."
CROW: [as Marrissa] And I have to score their spelling, phonics and math
mid-terms. Or didn't you know that I'd added "teacher-assistant" to my
list of titles?
> "That makes you the most important person in this fleet.
JOEL: [sarcastic] Now *there's* a surprise.
> The captains of
> the other ships should be coming to you," Jay replied. Then with a
> smile,
> he continued. "In fact they are."
> "What do you mean Jay?"
SERVO: [as Jay] I dunno, I just kinda blurted it out.
Plain and Simple Cronan
>> thirteen years old, and an Assistant Chief Engineer on a starship,
>> the Lieutenant had accomplished a lot.
TOM: Of note is her triumph over a weak and undersized bladder.
Other than that, better than average job.
P&SC