[MiSTed] Posts from alt.sci.time-travel [4/4]
Jamas Enright
>
>What follows is one of the eight messages that arrived during my stay in
>hospital. While I still remain in a convalescent ward, I have obtained
CROW: My driving license.
>the messages from my secretary and am releasing them to the various
>networks. My change of mind is directly related to a visit I have had by
>a rather serious young woman claiming to be the Pauline McKinnon from the
TOM: PMS Hit Squad.
MIKE: We're gonna get letters for that.
>"Messages From the Future". To make matters worse she was accompanied by
>Ms. JoJo Braun, the private detective I had the misfortune to hire. Ms.
>McKinnon spoke to me in lawyerly qualifications but her message was
>clear--disassociate myself entirely from the "Messages From the Future" or
CROW: <falsetto> Or not. I don't care.
>I would suffer consequences. Men of my generation did not back down from
>the Nazi brutes nor the military machine of the Japanese, I'll be damned
>if I'll be intimidated by a lawyer of all people. What follows is the
CROW: Putrid remains of my purile poetry I wrote while feeling
increadibly depressed.
TOM: That's dark, Crow. Keep it up.
>24th message from the future along with some comments my secretary somehow
>felt obliged to include. -- RHB --
>
>Here's another one of these messages from the four boys who say they're
>from the future. My, you boys do make Mr. B. mad. What I'd like to know
>is if you boys follow the soaps. I'd give my eye teeth to know if some of
>my favorite characters are going to come back.
TOM: Yep, if I had access to the future, the first thing I'd ask is how
some drivilling soap show is going.
> Don't go asking that
>Carlos fellow if you can do it--he sounds like a old stick in the mud. --
>Miss Dorothy Littlejohn
MIKE: <Minnewegean> Oh, that Carlos. He just ain't the barrel of monkeys
he used to be.
>
>Hey trogs--just to remind you--you're committing retro-crime. Even though
>reading our shit isn't illegal back in your time, if you know that it's
>gonna be illegal in the future, then the feds can convict of a retroactive
>crime--kinda like retroactive taxes.
TOM: But we don't have a choice! We're forced to read it!
MIKE: If we're lucky, the feds'll arrest Doctor Forrestor for us.
CROW: Yeah, but they'll probably leave us up here.
> Anyway, here are a couple of news
>stories curtesy of the MIT and CalTech brainoos--give you an idea of how
>the future ends up sucking the big one.
CROW: This is the sort of thing that happens after watching too much
"Weird Science".
>
>New York Times -- Nov. 25, 1998
>St. Paul Minnesota -- The Modern Language Association Committee on the
>Status of Women (MLACSW) announced today that over 90 % of the nation's
>university campuses have adopted into law their controversial guidelines
>for "intellectual harassment".
CROW: Bite me.
TOM: Duh... Are you harrassing me?
> Central to the guideline is that
>"intellectual harassment" is to be classified as a form of sexual
>harassment and offenders subject to the same penalties and sanctions as
>sexual harassers.
TOM: Hah! That'll teach you for calling me "annoying". You'll go to jail
for ten years!
> Intellectual harassment is to include: malicious humor
>directed at feminists and categorization of feminist works as narrow or
>propagandistic.
CROW: There goes alt.tasteless.
MIKE: As well as the rest of the net.
> The Committee meets in January of next year to consider
>whether criticism of the "intellectual harassment" guideline can be
>regarded as a form of sexual harassment.
TOM: So if people even criticise the "intellectual harrassment"
guideline, they can be had up for sexual harrassment?
CROW: That says a lot for sex lives in the future.
>
>Vancouver Sun -- Nov 13, 2004
>Vancouver, Canada -- The Greenpeace organization made public a new and
>alarming computer analysis of rapidly approaching global disaster.
CROW: It showed how fat Rosanne Barr would be by 2010.
>According to what Greenpeace claims to be a totally reliable computer
>model
CROW: Which they probably did on a Pentium.
MIKE: I think they might have newer computers by then.
CROW: Does that mean it gets any better?
> of the earth's weather and ecosystem, a crisis of staggering
>proportions is imminent. The computer data suggest that global warming
>and acid rain, the environmental crises of the 1970's, 80's and 90's, have
>combined to virtually cancel each other out. This has created a climate
>and environment of unprecedented stability or stagnation.
ALL: ARGH! Peace and goodwill is coming! Run away!
> Greenpeace
>scientists warn that the earth's ecosystem and lifeforms are in danger of
>"atrophying". The crucial process of species adaptation and natural
>selection require a hostile environment
TOM: So why don't they move into space? That's hostile enough.
> in order to maintain their
>vitality,
CROW: There's your answer, Tom. Ever tried-
MIKE: Enough, Crow. Don't remind me, okay?
> assert Greenpeace spokepersons. The environmental action group
>calls on government to avert the looming disaster with a total ban of
>fossil fuels.
TOM: Save disaster now, for a worse future for your children.
>
>So, like we said, we're in the underground arcade business now. It's
>wild.
MIKE: Those overgrown video machines are everywhere.
CROW: Let's see Darren Oswald get a highscore on them.
> Each inner city typically has like 2 or 3 main gangs and, of
>course, they each get a big piece of the arcade receipts. The money's a
>big motivator but probably knowing that the organized crime guys will wack
>em if they get out of line helps too.
TOM: Ah, the 'pay softly, but carry a large stick' routine.
> Anyway, we go into your average
>slum zone to set up an arcade and we have like 5 guys from each gang for
>bodyguards. Now, these guys hate each other and last week were probably
>trying to slit each other's throats,
CROW: Stick dynamite down each other's trousers, maybe, but slitting?
That's so passe.
> but now it's like there's some kind
>of professional gang psycho code of conduct.
CROW: <thick voice> You don't smash me with a ten pound sledge hammer,
and I wont smash you.
> They're looking at each
>other's pieces and trading tips on how to take down a convenience store.
>Anyway, it takes us about two weeks to set up a place and staff it. We
>devote half of each arcade to
CROW: Ross Perot.
MIKE: Ross Perot, everyone. Ross Perot.
<Round of applause>
> Guerrilla Gulag gaming rooms. These gang
>guys can't get enough of it. Each arcade is wired
TOM: So, be careful where you step.
> into the SplinterNet
>and we track each gamer's scores and stuff. This is Carlos's idea. He
>also has us put up a huge monitor to display the SplinterNet.
CROW: <bored voice> Gee, how original. It's only been done in about 500
movies!
> Anyway,
>after we got the first arcade in business for a few days and are about to
>move on to another site, Carlos comes on the monitor with his Charelton
>Heston/Moses avatar and starts speaking to all the gang guys.
CROW: "It was 'Thou Shalt _Not_ Kill', guys. Honest."
> He tells
>them to settle their disputes with honor using Guerrilla Gulag. The
>loser, Carlos says, will be subject to his sentencing.
TOM: Now there's someone who's been watching too much _Star Trek_.
> We think he's lost
>it but the gangs think it's the best thing since the invention of the
>Uzi.
CROW: Of course, we think they've lost it as well, but that's a minor point.
> So, Carlos/Charelton Heston/Moses starts sentencing the losers in
>the endless disputes to things like being a crossing guard for a month or
>being another gang's gofer
CROW: Come on, just one more piece of cheese.
MIKE: It's _gofer_, Crow.
CROW: Oh.
> for a week. By the time we move on to the next
>slum there hasn't been an incident of gang violence for a week, which is
>some type of all time record we're told. So, there you have it,
>trogs--violent videogames reduce violence. You heard it here first.
MIKE: Tell that to Parents Against Violence.
>
>
>Article 1841 of alt.sci.time-travel:
>Path: comp.vuw.ac.nz!waikato!ames!agate!howland.reston.ans.net!
>news.sprintlink.net!in1.uu.net!newstf01.news.aol.com!newsbf02.news.aol.com!
>not-for-mail
>From: tome...@aol.com (TOM ELEVEN)
TOM: Cool name.
CROW: Suits an AOLer.
TOM: Hey.
>Newsgroups: alt.sci.time-travel
>Subject: Speculation On the Natures of Time and Kenetic Energy
ALL: <bored> Yay.
>Date: 1 Sep 1995 21:18:29 -0400
>Organization: America Online, Inc. (1-800-827-6364)
>Lines: 60
>Sender: ro...@newsbf02.news.aol.com
>Message-ID: <428bd5$k...@newsbf02.news.aol.com>
>NNTP-Posting-Host: newsbf02.mail.aol.com
>X-Newsreader: AOL Offline Reader
CROW: I think I may go offline if I read this.
>
>
>
>
MIKE: At least the start's good.
>"Time", that is the future universe, lies in the DIRECTION of the 4th
>dimention. There is a different "universe" or "spacial" plane for each
>"instant" of time.
CROW: ARGH! ALYAN's back!
MIKE: Robert McElwaine has a lot to answer for.
> These are all "STACKED" in the direction of the 4 th
>dimention.
CROW: How many 'dimention's are there, Mike?
MIKE: I think demention is more appropriate.
> (it is easier to visulise if we use 2D planar universes) What
>we percieve as the passage of "Time" is actually our movement from one
>parallel plane to the other. (Not unlike the "frames" of a 3D" Movie or
>the pages in a book)
TOM: Time Theory #3.
MIKE: Who needs orignal ideas when you can endlessly rehash old ones?
> This Movement in the direction of the fourth dimention is a result of
>there being an INHERENT 4D element in matter, that is I am assuming that
>the most basic particles of matter possess a 4D "movement" or "impetus"
TOM: Yep, if you assume it's there, then it would have a result.
MIKE: But as it whether or not it is actually there... that's just a
minor technical flaw.
>vector that is carrying the "proto-particle" at .707 light speed in the
>fourth dimentional direction.
TOM: Any idea where he got one over root two from?
MIKE: Nope.
CROW: Is it just me, or he saying that everything that moves in time is
going at .7 the spped of light?
MIKE: Yep.
> There might be an energy conection here-- as what we might percieve
>as energy in our 3D world MAY be a factor of relative 4D vector angles
>inherent in matter .
MIKE: Then again, it MAY not. But as that would mean he's wrong, we'll
ignore that.
> If , for example, the 4D vectors of two "particles"
>are parallel as they cut through the"time planes". there will be no
>relative kenetic energy between them--They will appear at rest relative to
>each other. If there is a difference in vector angles then we will note a
>chage in distace (movement) between the particles as they cut thru each
>plane.(energy?) If this vector angle is greater, then the relative
>movement will be greater. Perhaps energy is really due to relative 4D
>vector angles?
TOM: He's actually arguing backwards, isn't he? He's trying to explain
relativity in terms of his 'time vectors' and kinetic energy.
MIKE: At least he's trying to fit the theory to the facts.
> Note also that as the angles increase(speed increase) one particle
>may tend to lag back timewise as the time planes are cut.(time dilation
>effect?)
CROW: He doesn't really know, does he? That's why he keeps putting "?"s in.
TOM: Never stopped people before.
> note at a 90 degree 4D vector angle" time stands still" for one
>particle relative to the other as one is traveling BETWEEN time planes
>relative to the other. also note that thier relative speed is c.
TOM: If everything travels at .7c, and using Pythagasorus to work out the
relative speed...mutter mutter... yes, you do get c!
CROW: IF everything travels at .7c, and IF one of the vectors are
perpendicular to the time planes.
> If the
>vector angle is greater than 90 deg., then one particle moves BACKWARD in
>time relative to the other.
CROW: He can't even think in simplified 3D models, can he?
> Interesting how this set up yeilds the time effects described in the
>theory of relativity, of course this explanation is highly simplfied, but
>I hope you see my point. Perhaps I am on to something.
CROW: _On_ something, I'd agree with.
>
>------]----]------ t3 note parallel vectors- no relative particle
>------]----]-------t2 movement in time planes
>------]----]------ t2 vectors move thru planes(t1,t2,t3) at
>------]----]-------t1 .707c(cos 45 deg)
TOM: Umm, what's travelling at 45 degress there?
CROW: His mind to reality, I'd say.
>
>
>
>-----]------------ t3 angled vectors-note movement
>-----]---/-------- t2 from plane to plane also note time lag
>-----] /--------- t1
CROW: Also note exaggerated vectors to try to portray failing ideas.
>
>-----[--------- t3 at 90deg one particle stops moving
>-----]===== t2 relative to other particle relative speed of
>-----]---------- t1 vector movement=c, rel energy at maximum
TOM: A non-moving particle is travelling at the speed of c?
>
>Note that this "theory" is presented in a highly simplified form so as to
>clearly convey the basic concept. Please limit your comments and/or
>flames re: to the basic arrangement described here.
CROW: Heh. Flame on.
TOM: Basically, the theory was contrived and had little or no relevance
to kinetic energy.
MIKE: Well, that was easy.
> (Yes I know I did not
>discuss the source of these time planes--et al. but I did not want to make
>the subject more complex than it needed to be)
>
>tome...@aol.com(Thomas M. Ray)
>
TOM: That's it. Let's roll!
[Mike picks up Tom and all leave.]
[Door sequence, door sequence.]
[Mike and Tom can be seen. They are examing their "Orac".]
MIKE: So, what exactly does this thing do?
TOM: As far as I can tell, it blinks prettily.
MIKE: No time travel prospects?
TOM: Get real Nelson.
[Crow comes on from the left.]
MIKE: Hi, Crow. No hard feelings about before?
CROW: Huh, what?
TOM: The time travel trick.
CROW: That? That was years ago. I'm from the future where I got Time
Travel to work.
MIKE: We've already tried that.
[Crow comes on from right.]
SECOND CROW: Hey, who's that? What am I doing there?
MIKE&TOM: Huh? Who? What?
[Mike and Tom collapse.]
[The second Crow blinks out, and Gypsy comes on.]
CROW: That's Gyspy. I didn't know you had that hologrammatic projector.
GYSPY: It's not something I talk about. I only used it now 'cos revenge
is fun.
[Mike and Tom groan, then reappear.]
CROW: That'll teach you, Nelson.
[The MADS light flashes. Mike pushes the button.]
[DEEP 13]
DR. F: Hah. I've got you know. Despite your petty attempts I got the
address of the "Messages From The Future" home page, and am now ready to
subject them to you.
[SOL]
[All collapse without a word.]
[DEEP 13]
DR. F: Till the pain returns.
[He pushes the button.]
\ | /
\ | /
---O---
/ | \
/ | \
<fwoosh>
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'Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment
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These (and other) MiSTing can be found on my website:
http://www.vuw.ac.nz/~thad/mst3k
Jamas Enright
"Answers answered and questions questioned."
>Greetings trogs. So, everyone on the SplinterNet is guilty of treason.
>We guess if you're reading this that you're probably guilty too.