MiSTed: Spaceman Speaks!
Daniel O'Neal
a MiSTing by Dan O'Neal
This is my first MiSTing. Sorry -- I don't have the time to do any
skits or an invention exchange. Maybe next time.
What do you think, sirs?
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In article <106...@cup.portal.com>, John_-_...@cup.portal.com says:
Tom: No! No! Not again! AAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH!
Crow: (timidly) Mike, I scared!
Mike: It's okay, Crow. We've lived through it before. It'll be okay.
>Dear Folks:
>
Tom: Things are fine here at camp. How are you. Love, Johnny_-.
> Here is some information sent to me by a friend that is supposed to be
>from a space person. Some of the ideas contradict some of my pet theories
>but I will let you know what he said anyway. He may be right and I'm wrong.
Tom: Really? I'm shocked! Shocked, I tell you!
>............................................................................
Crow: ..............................
Mike: What did you say?
Crow: ..............................
Mike: Oh.
>
>Dear Mr. Winston:
>
>I finally have some time to greet you from an absence of over a month. I
Mike: (old lady voice) Maude! Where have you been this past month?
Crow: (same) Henry and I went to Florida, ya know. It's so warm and
beautiful.
Tom: Oh, ya. I hear dey got alligators.
Crow: Oh, ya. They're green ya know.
>remember offering you some inkling of an account that would take place in
>your area that would give you insight to what I already know about you and
Crow: Insight? John_-_Winston? Never!
>the course of history that humankind will face. There's a great stall of
Tom: I thought history was something that's already happened.
>time where earth will remain stagnant
Mike: Kinda like the '70's.
> of any new technological advancings
>and as a result the study of your people will also slow to a very limited
>project.
Crow: ... the hell?
Mike: I hate it when I slow to a limited project.
> I know you are aware of the Majestic 12 whom was originally the
Mike: The Majestic 12!
All: sing "Dirty Dozen" theme
>group of 12 leaders to study and research the true possibility of the UFO
>sightings across your United States. President Truman and his groups did
Mike: Give 'em hell, Harry!
>create the Project. The 12 were referred to many times as the Unholy 13.
Tom: That's logical.
>This reference is contained in many documents which are now de-classified
>material at your disposal.
Crow: They should be disposed *of*
If you will notice upon reading them, several
>vague comments are made by Truman and later President Eisenhower. We have
All: We like Ike! We like Ike!
>had to watch with idle hands as over 20 of our kind were whisked from the
Mike: (old lady voice) Idle hands do the devil's work.
>crash sights at the hands of merciless, evil government employees who lie
>and deceive many innocent human beings.
Mike: You know, I haven't done my taxes yet...
> Our intelligence has been widely
>insulted
Tom: Join the club.
> and we know that the United States Government is active in using
>technology to store our beings until human advances in understanding with
Mike: You know, you ought to salt those beings before you put them away.
They'll keep better.
>discovered biomedical and scientific methods are injested into you social
>structure.
Tom: Say again?
Mike: How can methods be injested into our social structure?
> We as living beings are in many ways, alike.
Mike: And in many ways, different!
> It is my honest
>hope that we too, will find answers to some of our most perplexing and at
>least not explainable questions we have at present. We will continue our
Crow: They're gonna get answers from us? To what -- Trivial Pursuit?
>present time line and aging process while we are visitors of your planet,
>Earth.
Tom: That's good to know.
Crow: Does that mean they don't share Eru's Gift of Death?
> I know your great interest in beings from another world appear to
Mike: Hey guys! Change the channel -- Another World is on!
Crow: Is that the one with Luke and Laura?
Mike: Um... Couldn't tell you, buddy.
Tom: No, no, no. AW is the one with Tomas Rivera, the gorgeous Fabio-coifed
latin hunk.
Mike & Crow: HUH?!?!?
>be valid and in context, however you are somewhat gullible at given times
>causing you to lose credibility among your peers and superiors.
Crow: (as Bugs Bunny) What a maroon! What a gulli-bull!
Mike: John_-_Winston *is* a gulli-bull.
>
>My memory is near photographic and I now recall an instance where someone
Crow: I have a photographic memory! I see words!
Tom: (as Spock) Would now be a good time for a colorful metaphor, Admiral?
Mike: (as Kirk) Don't call me Admiral!
>sent you email telling you about my previous post that I must have been a
Mike: He reads John_-_Winston's e-mail? That's illegal.
>little under-developed mentally in my ability to explain where I am from.
Tom: Where are you from?
Mike: Lay off; he doesn't know. He's underdeveloped mentally.
>Let me suggest again that as mankind will eventually discover, There is a
>planet that is in an ecliptical orbit - not eliptical around Barnard Star
Tom: Ecliptical orbit? What the hell does that mean?
Mike: I thought all orbits were eliptical. But then again, I'm just a temp.
>that has not been discovered yet by humankind. This star is constantly a
>shadow to Barnards' Star from your Planet Earth. It is an eclipse planet
>and its orbit is eccentric (eliptical) as well. To your satisfaction and
>others, what I am saying is that you will never see it from Planet Earth.
Tom: He just said it's orbit ISN'T eliptical!
Crow: To quote Hans Bethe, "This isn't right. This isn't even wrong."
>I am sure you have heard or read about a planet thought to exist with the
>name "Clarion".
Mike: Oh, yeah. Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Clarion, Vulcan, Gallifrey ...
This planet does not exist but the story is similar with
>what I explained above. Your science has very fruitfully discounted what
>some thought to exist in an opposite conjunction with Earth. Clarion was
>never a planet in your star system.
Crow: Lemme get this straight . . .
Mike: Don't even try.
>
>I am only at liberty to say now, that your interest in unexplained sights
>of aerial nature may land you the opportunity some day to meet travellers
>from another star system.
Crow: If you come, please take John_-_Winston with you when you leave.
> What I can not say, is your ability to prove a
>sighting as your government is very well prepared to debunk any theory of
>UFO's from an extra- terrestrial source as psychological in nature.
Tom: (neutral, government official voice) We are prepared to debunk any
theory of UFO's from an extra-terrestrial source as psychological in nature.
> They
>(the governments) exist and will only exist if a government can inspire a
>confusion to its' people with wars, taxes and laws.
All: (chant) No more taxes! No more war! No more laws . . .
Crow: (annoying college jerk voice) Whooo! Anarchy, man!
>I will offer something in evidence to you so that it will give you and to
Mike: You will be given something in evidence, sometime, somewhere.
>some extent, others, the opportunity to cross examine my motives and also
>my beliefs.
Tom: (Perry Mason) Where were you on the night of August twelfth?
> Someone much closer to me than you are
Mike: Um...Gypsy... I think we should start seeing other people.
Gypsy: (pops her head into the theater) I knew this would happen! It's
Magic Voice, isn't it? You jerk! (she leaves)
> now believes that the
>crash sight at Corona, New Mexico is true and that the government is what
>is stopping mankind from learning the truth.
Crow: What about womankind?
Tom: Yeah! And what about robotkind?
> A flying disc did not crash
Tom: (anouncer voice) New from Hasbro -- the Flying Disc!
Crow: (kid voice) Daddy! My flying disc crashed!
Mike: Shh. shh. That's okay, Johnny. We'll get another.
>at Corona. This is the confusion your government is creating.
Mike: This post is creating confusion.
> Confusion
>effectively halts any flow of true information.
Crow: A little Drano will unclog that for you.
> With some people who can
>believe this incident are others who do not.
Tom: The people who believe it *ARE* the others who don't?
Mike: Must be, aliens don't make typos.
> The story has been told.
Mike: Now, go to sleep. I'll tell you another tomorrow.
> I
>recall what really crashed however, was not a weather balloon.
Crow: Where did this come in?
> The force
>that recovered the objects there thought a story that would introduce any
>confusion would be better than an outright story of denial.
Mike: (falsetto) I only knew about the attack after the fact. I have a
dream to skate in the Olympics.
> Thus, we see
>the ARMY AIR FORCE news-release as being a flying disc.
Tom: I hate to say this, but the Army and Air Force are two different things.
Mike: There used to be an Army Air CORPS.
Tom: Not since the forties, Mike.
> Yet, next day, a
>new release found its' way to the world press. This time, denying all of
>the previous days' answers.
Crow: Well, he's right. It is confusing.
> The press is the evil that controls most all
Crow: (James Earl Jones) This is CNN, Luke. Join me and we can rule
Ted Turner together, as father and son.
>of the Planet Earths' political power.
Mike: Hey, wasn't that one of those really good nature shows with David
Attenborough?
> The press must be destroyed as it
>was on our planet.
Tom: Kill all the reporters!
Crow: Run Katie, run!
Mike: Not Wolf Blitzer! NO!
> Think about what I have told you
Mike: Now you sit in that chair, young man, and think about what I told you.
> and gather questions
Tom: Gather your questions while ye may.
>you would like to ask me. I'll answer them. We will meet again soon.
Crow: Make no mistake! We *will* meet again.
>R----
Mike: Randy?
Tom: Ralph?
Crow: Ricky?
Tom: Raoul?
Mike: Maybe it's from Rintje Ritsma, the Dutch speed skater.
Crow: Too many letters, Mike.
Mike: R---- could be his nickname.
>
>JW Well, that's what my friend said the spaceman said.
>
Mike: Yeah, whatever.
>John Winston.
Crow: _-_
Mike: Let's go, guys.
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Hey, I said no skits, go away.
Discalimer:
Mystery Science Theater 3000 ain't mine. It belongs to Best Brains
Enterprises. No infringement on their copyrights is intended. This was
all just for fun and stuff, you know? Oh, by the way, this isn't an
attack on John_-_Winston, either. Never met the guy. Honest! I'm sure
he's a really nice person, once you get to know him.
mark
> Spaceman Speaks!
> a MiSTing by Dan O'Neal
>
>Crow: To quote Hans Bethe, "This isn't right. This isn't even wrong."
>
>>I am sure you have heard or read about a planet thought to exist with the
>>name "Clarion".
>
>Mike: Oh, yeah. Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Clarion, Vulcan, Gallifrey ...
NOW the TRVTH is out! For those of you not in science fiction fandom, there
is a *very* well-known annual writing course, which many currently popular
writers attended, called Clarion. This is a dead giveaway: John_-_ may
have gone there, and they ripped his fiction to bloody shreds (a common
happenstance, I hear), and he couldn't face this, so he's passing what
he writes as fiction here on the net, unable to pass it anywhere else!
This, of course, means Ve Must Apply Ze Ultimate Veapon against him:
LITR'Y CRITICISM!
It'll be bloody (all of you under 17 will have to have yuor parents censor
this thread), but...it's the *only* way.... (dum-de-dum dum dummmmmmm)
mark
<MVNCH>
>>R----
>
>Mike: Randy?
>Tom: Ralph?
>Crow: Ricky?
>Tom: Raoul?
>Mike: Maybe it's from Rintje Ritsma, the Dutch speed skater.
>Crow: Too many letters, Mike.
>Mike: R---- could be his nickname.
Nah, he dropped one. It's Raygun, and he thinks he's an ex-president.
mark "the TRUTH will out!"
Steve Brinich
Gizmonic
<KON...@wvnvm.wvnet.edu> writes (well, actually, he wrote a whole lot, and it
was darn good, but . . )
> [stuff deleted]
> Mike: (old lady voice) Maude! Where have you been this past month?
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
I've zeen this many times zince I ztarted lurking (oh, zorry, this isn't
alt.zima).
A very important, but perhaps subtle, difference. It's a "Minnesota lady
voice." No ordinary little old lady can hold a candle to the wonderful idioms
and inflections of the lovely Minnesotans, doncha know?
gizm...@aol.com |
lm...@aol.com | "This is _so_ cool!"
Larry MacGregor | "First time on a network _this_ small!!"