MiSTing: Stephen Ratliff's Revenge Challenge [5/6]

[Matthew R Blackwell]

[The bots and Mike stand behind the control console.]
Crow: Okay Mike. Your turn.
Tom: Yep. Come on Mike. Spill it.
Mike: Well, uh. [Gypsy enters the bridge.] Hey, Gypsy hasn't done a
story yet!
Gypsy: Huh?
Mike: Come on Gypsy, tell us a tale about us getting revenge!
Gypsy: Okay. . .
[The dissolve sequence runs again. Living Room, Bridget, paper, chair,
door. All the same as before. Once again, the doorbell rings.]
Michael: [Offscreen] Hon?
Bridget: Yeah, I know. Get the door.
[She crosses the room and opens the door. Beyond it stands a middle
aged man.]
Richard: Hello, I'm Richard Basehart. [pause.] Well, goodbye. [He
leaves.]
[Bridget shakes her head and closes the door. Once again, she sits
down and resumes reading the paper.]
Michael: [Offscreen] Hon, who was that?
Bridget: Richard Basehart.
Michael: [Offscreen] Really? Huh. I thought he was dead.
Bridget: Mike, you get the door next time, okay?
[Dissolve. The scene shifts back to the SoL.]
Mike: [Forcedly.] That was great, Gypsy.
Gypsy: Thank you, Mike. [She leaves. Once Gypsy leaves the bridge, the
other three shake their heads.]
Mike: All right, who saw that one coming?
[Mike and Crow raise their hands.]
Mike: Tom, you were surprised by that?
Tom: My arms don't work. Remember Mike?
Mike: [Sheepishly] Oh, yeah.
Crow: We suck at this, don't we?
[The fan-fic light begins to flash.]
Mike: Back we go, guys.
[Running about, and shouting occur. I.e., the usual drill]

[ 6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . ]
[Mike and the bots enter and sit.]

>--------------7FAE2FBA3520--

Crow: Well that's the most confusing song that I've ever seen on
Sesame Street.

>From: merc...@europa.com (Mercutio)
>Newsgroups: alt.fan.q,alt.startrek.creative
>Subject: NEW: Letters from a Q Writer in Exile (TNG, Q, authors)
>Date: Mon, 10 Nov 1997 00:40:53 GMT

>NOTE: This is an answer to the Revenge Fic challenge. As put by
>Stephen Ratliff, "The idea is a story where the character(s) who
>we've put though such trails and tibble-ations come visiting us
>(the authors) to get their revenge. Off the to of my head, I can
>say that if fictional characters could get revenge on their authors
>some Q writers I know better start running. (come to think of it,
>I haven't heard from some of them in a while."

Mike: We'll recap the recap for you here.

>SUMMARY: TNG, Q, authors. The character Q decides to take revenge
>upon the alt.fan.q authors for the terrible things that have been
>done to him.

Crow: You got me cast in that stupid Maxwell Smart film! Take that!
And That!

>Letters from a Q Writer in Exile, by Mercutio (merc...@europa.com)
>with many thanks to Ruth Gifford (eres...@cyberg8t.com), who
>helped with her part

>To: Alara (al...@netcom.com)
>From: Mercutio ([address deleted])

>I arranged to have mail sent to my Europa address forwarded to an
>anonymous alias. God, I hope no one can trace this.

Mike: I wouldn't worry. Due to the double-blind, any mail replies to
this message will be anonymized, and an anonymous id will be
allocated automatically.

>The flashes of light have stopped since I arrived here.

Mike: But the bugs are still crawling all over me! AHHHH!!!!

>Glenn and the baby are safely with the in-laws.
>Even He wouldn't try to get them there.

Mike: He?
Tom: She must be hiding them from Michael Jackson.

>No one would dare the wrath of my mother-in-law.

Crow: The little known first draft of Star Trek II.
Tom: MOTHER-IN-LAAAAAAAAWWWWWWW!!!!!!

>Think Lwaxana Troi on steroids. The ax scene from Q-In-Law all
>over again, except my mother-in-law doesn't need an ax.

Tom: [Mercutio] In fact, she *is* a battle-axe! Ha! I kill me!

>I'm working on a new story; working title: "Q Lives Happily Ever
>After". Hope this will solve my problems.

>Watch out for those random flashes of light.

Mike: Because that means beta particle decay.

>And shelve "Only Human"! You finish that and you're in bigger trouble than
>I am.

Tom: o/~ Alara don't preach. I'm in trouble, deep. o/~

>------------------------------------------------------

Mike: And all the little ants are marching.

>To: Mercutio (merc...@europa.com)
>From: Alara (al...@netcom.com)

>I really hope you're not serious.

Crow: Cause America doesn't need another "Young Einstein."

>This has got to be one of the most bizarre things I've ever heard you come up
>with.

Mike: And remember, I was there when you thought up that idea for
"woodchuck in a tube."

>Is there something wrong with your job?

Crow: I realize that "Ruler of All You Survey" is a quite demanding
position. If you'd like a change of pace, we've got an
opening in our mail room...

>------------------------------------------------------

Tom: I don't understand it, sir. The message just reads:
"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO".

>To: Alara (al...@netcom.com)
>From: Mercutio ([address deleted])

>No, there's nothing wrong with my job. *Puh-leeeease*. Well,
>nothing beside the usual. But that's not important right now.

>Remember that list I did -- "Top Six Signs You're Being Stalked By
>Q"?

Tom: Never did come up with the last four, didja?

> Apparently He took it *seriously*. I saw clouds overhead with
>my name on them. I'm being toyed with, I know it.

Mike: I mean, seeing action figures of me in Toys by Roy was a really

good tip off for that. I'm still wondering about that
"Kung-Fu grip Mother-in-Law" figure though.

>I don't even know if running is worth it.
> Perhaps I should just face up to the music.

Tom o/~caaaauuuse, You can't stop the Music, nobody can stop the...o/~
Mike: Tom, no more Village People songs, okay?

>------------------------------------------------------

Crow: So, detergent companies are buying ad space in e-mail messages
now?

>To: Mercutio (merc...@europa.com)
>From: Alara (al...@netcom.com)

>If you're really sure that Q is after you, I'd keep running. If
>not, I'd recommend psychiatric care. Or get your doctor to switch
>you from the Trazodone to something that makes you a little less
>paranoid.

>But if he is. . . try France.

Crow: 'Cause omnipotent deities can't go to France. Unless they're
Jerry Lewis, of course.

>Or sneak onto the space shuttle.

Mike: Space Camp 2: Mercutio on the Run!

>"Truth or Q?"'s scene with Q and Worf is not something I'd let you
>live down if I were Q.

>------------------------------------------------------

Tom: Bullets! Bullets everywhere!

>To: Alara (al...@netcom.com)
>From: Mercutio ([address deleted])

>You're a lot of help. Besides, it's not "Truth or Q?" that I'm
>worried about. Not mostly. Okay, so Worf does get to rape him,
>but still.

All: AAAHHHH!!!!
Tom: A little too much info for the non-fanboys.

> Think of "Speculum" if you really want scary.

Mike: So, Q's raped by a Klingon, and then apparently he
has to have a pelvic exam?
Tom: This is sick and twisted and wrong, Mike.
Crow: And besides, shouldn't it be "Spe-Q-lum?"

>Or "PropinQuity".

>I'm hiding out in the basement of a library.

Mike: So I should be safe, unless Q's a grad student.

> No idea how long I'm
>going to be able to keep this up, but at least there's something to
>read here. Being on the run sucks. Why can't characters go after
>some other author? Like Stephen Ratliff.

All: YEAH! Q! Q! Q! Q!
Crow: Come on, ya pansy! Take him out!

>Or Macedon? Scratch that. I can just see Chakotay and Macedon ruling the
>Voyager with an iron fist. Delta Quadrant beware.

Tom: Delta Quadrant Beware: A new fragrance from Calvin Klein.

>------------------------------------------------------

Mike: Well, the seas are awfully calm today.

>To: Mercutio (merc...@europa.com)
>From: Alara (al...@netcom.com)

>What's wrong with PropinQuity? Besides Q having a kid. And
>discovering masturbation. And being a virgin. And falling in love
>with toasters. And being mindraped by the Dilkinen. And

Mike: Wait, does that all happen in that order? I mean, masturbation
and being a virgin go hand-in-hand. . .
Crow: Poor choice of words, Mike.
Mike: You know what I meant. . .but in most cases, isn't having a kid
sort of incompatible with being a virgin?
Crow: And why is being a virgin such a surprise for someone who was
only ever human for a day or so?
Tom: That "falling in love with toasters" thing disturbs me, though.
Crow: This from someone who fell in love with a blender.

>hel

>[message ends mid-word]

Mike: Nice of her mailer to annotate that.
Crow: Clearly she intended to say "Helvetica," indicating that she was

being stalked by a Swiss font designer.

>------------------------------------------------------

Crow: <Sigh.> Mike? Do we have to make jokes every time that one of
these appears?
Mike: It's in our contract.
Crow: Okay. <Flatly> Isn't that arrow at the end supposed to facing
the other way?

>To: Alara (al...@netcom.com)
>From: Mercutio ([address deleted])

>Hello? Hello? Are you there? I got your incomplete note, but I
>didn't get a follow-up with the rest of the message.

>I called your mother and she said she hadn't heard from you since
>Tuesday. Are you okay?

Mike: Well, physically I mean. I know you still have that big red
"Insane" stamped on your hand.

>Here's a section from my story. I think I'm going to call it "Q's
>Big Adventure".

> Q lolled comfortably on the large pillows set on the dias

Crow: Cameron Dias?
Mike: That's been overused, Crow.
Crow: I won't stop until they stop making that typo.

> above the floor.

> Groveling on the ground below him were various members of
> Starfleet. Picard, dressed in a Grecian toga, held a
> plate of peeled grapes up to Q, while Troi plucked at a
> lyre and Beverly Crusher sang. Janeway was painting his
> toenails as Riker cleaned the inlaid tiles of the floor
> with his tongue.

Tom: Most of that is kind of weird, but I must say I'd get a kick out

of that Riker bit.

> All was well and good with life. After lunch, he might
> stroll in his gardens, or perhaps review the remains of
> the conquered Q Continuum. Whichever.

Mike: Whatever.

>What do you think? Over the top?

Tom: So now Q's involved in professional arm wrestling? I am so
confused here.

> Not enough? If you get this, I
>really need some help here.

Tom: [Dramatic drum music begins] If you're in trouble, and you can
find them, then maybe you can hire. . . The A Team.
Crow: [Mr. T] Face, will you please shut Barclay up!

> I can't stay on the run forever. I
>think the library books have been giving me strange looks lately.

Mike: And the toasters are whispering about me behind my back. . .

>------------------------------------------------------

Mike: This lift line just isn't moving at all.
Tom: Single!

>To: Mercutio (merc...@europa.com)
>From: Ruth Gifford (eres...@cyberg8t.com)

>Hi there!

>I have a message for you from Alara. It was actually addressed to
>the Alt.Fan.Q writers as a whole, but there's a postscript on it in
>black magic marker that says "Make Sure Mercutio Gets This". It
>was hand-delivered by a Tibetan goat-herder.

Mike: Boy, UPS still hasn't recovered from that strike, have they?

> Anyway, here it is.

> Dear Fellow AFQ Authors:

> I regret that I will be unable to be with you for a short
> time, as I am presently engaged in writing the remainder
> of "Only Human". My tower room is airy and spacious, and
> I have given up thoughts of growing my hair long in order
> to escape.

Crow: Crystal Gayle was already sending death threats against me
anyway.

> I enjoy it here, and find it a congenial
> atmosphere for writing. The end to "Familiar Strangers"
> will posted soon, along with the revised first part,
> wherein I reveal

Tom: That Balki was the real killer of Laura Palmer.
Mike: No!
Tom: Yes. And Cousin Larry is Cancer Man's superior.

> that my insinuations about Q being made
> into a female prostitute were a vicious lie.

Crow: I'm confused. These writers obviously like the character of Q,
so why are they putting him through these horrible
situations? Where's the fascination? Why do some people
think like that?
Mike: If we ever find that out, Crow, you and I will rule the universe

> I recant all of my previous views on hurt/comfort, and
> hope that my fingernails will soon grow back.
> Fortunately, the hot coals seem to have cauterized the
> wounds, thus preventing bleeding which would have made it
> more difficult to type.

Mike: Q could just provide her with that program where you talk and it

types.
Crow: You talk and it types?
Mike: You talk and it types.

> Q is good. Q is all-powerful. You will be assimilated.

Mike: Hmm. She seems to be a bit mindless. Maybe she's become a
Packers' fan?
Tom: Or a Spice Girl fan.
Crow: Or a Trekker. Oh, wait a minute. I've picked on them enough
today.
Tom: <To Crow> A Scientologist?
Crow: That'll work. Thanks.

> -- Alara Rogers, Aleph Press
> al...@netcom.com

> All Aleph Press stories are being rewritten to reflect
> the views of the Establishment.

Tom: Oooh, *DA MAN'S* gotten to her.
Crow: That's okay, Shaft's on his way to help.
Mike: Hmm. If the Establishment's involved, then Q probably isn't.
It's more likely that it's someone from the Jeffery Johnson
Continuum.

>By the way, are you working on anything new? Atara and I are about
>to post our story, "A Sort of Homecoming", where Q and Picard
>settle down on a farm in France and raise grapes and children.

Mike: <Picard> Q, shouldn't we lower these children sometime soon?
Crow: <Q> It's art, Jean Luc. They're a mobile.

>Seems safer, if you know what I mean. Not only that, but I decided
>that the bdsm stuff was too dicey, so I'm sure Alara will happier
>with me.

>Come in out of the cold, Merc; we miss you.

Tom: The Merc Who Came in From the Cold, this fall on the USA network.

>You're the only one still running.

Mike: Well, except for Springsteen. Oh, and that Logan guy.

> It's not that bad. Believe me.

Tom+Crow: ONE OF US! ONE OF US!

>Well, we're hosting another square dance Friday night.

Tom: So Q's a country and western fan?
Crow: Yep. He likes both types of music. <rimshot>

>Hope you can be there! It's lots of fun!

Mike: We'll be sacrificing a goat to Shrub-Niggarath after the
ceremony too! Being devoured by one of her dark young will
be fun too!

>Ruth

>------------------------------------------------------

Crow: The English dead lay strewn across the battlefield. . .

>To: Ruth Gifford (eres...@cyberg8t.com)
>From: Mercutio ([address deleted]))

>Everyone? He got everyone? What happened?

Tom: Well, he pretended that he was hurt and started crying. We all
came out of our hiding places to check on him and *WHAM*, he

got us.

>I may be unable to reply for a few days. I'm positive that the
>books were talking to me. Must find shelter. Must write new
>story. Must escape.

Crow: Must parse complete sentences?

>------------------------------------------------------

Mike: Hmm. No, there's still something wrong with this DNA, but I
can't place my finger on it.

>To: Varoneeka (Varo...@aol.com)
>From: Ruth Gifford (eres...@cyberg8t.com)

>Hey Slasher Chick!

Tom: Right back at you, Disembowler Dame!

>It was so nice of you to come out to the square dancing festival.
>Atara and I enjoyed having you here, and reading your new story,
>"The Property of a Q". We'd be delighted to come out to your villa
>on Maui next weekend. Lucky you -- now I wish I'd written nothing
>but uplifting smut about Q. Can you believe it? The TrekSmutrix
>didn't write enough smut.

Crow: It's times like these that I long for the strong moral compass
of a "Side Hackers" or a "Mitchell."

>Thanks for the update on Julia. How soon do you think she'll
>finish the 10,000,000 titles? Talk about your writer's cramp; *I*
>can't even imagine making up that many good Q titles.

Tom: "Q in Black", "Jackie Q", "The Man who went up a hill and came
down a Q", "Viva Q", "The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who
Stopped Living and Became Q", "Boogie Q", "Q in White
Satin". . .

>You asked about JJ Arrow -- she's been forced to repeat high
>school. ::shudder:: The horror, the horror.

Mike: A.S.C. I can't believe I'm back in A.S.C. . .

> And she's not
>writing anymore; it's sort of sad really. But she shouldn't have
>written "Spectrum". And letting Mercutio write "Speculum" was
>adding injury to insult.

>Speaking of Mercutio, I hear she's in Mexico now. Still trying to
>avoid Q. Poor crazy woman, as if anyone can. Did you see her last
>post to alt.fan.q?

Tom: With fans like these, who needs enemies?

>She's completely lost her mind. We all knew it would happen sometime. I
>tried to talk her into coming up for the dancing, but . . . ::sigh::

Mike: Without her, our production of "Bring in da Noise, Bring in da
Q" was a complete failure.

>Ruth

>------------------------------------------------------

Tom: This has to be the worst roller coaster that I've ever ridden.

>Newsgroups: alt.fan.q
>From: merc...@europa.com (Mercutio)
>Subject: Top Six Things Not to Do While Running From Q

>6. Step on cracks. Mother breaks back -- forced into visit to
> see her in hospital, and Q captures you easily.

Tom: Just send your stunt double in to visit her instead. That way,
you'll be safe.

>5. Pay attention to television static. Hidden subliminal
> messages embedded in signal will brainwash you into
> surrendering.

Crow: Or into buying soap.
Mike: They could be related. Q owns 47% of Irish Spring, after all.

>4. Shower. Particles of water could be Q in disguise, attempting
> to infilitrate your body.

Tom: Oddly enough, Q was trying to infiltrate Howard Hughes' body
through that very method.

>3. Go outside on sunny days. Clear skies make it easier for Q to
> spot you.

Mike: <Minewegian voice> Plus, the UV rays are really bad for your
skin.
Bots: <Minewegian voice> Oh, ya. Ya.

>2. Talk to humanoid life forms. Any of them could be Q, or spies
> for Q. Trust no one.

Mike: The truth is out there.
Tom: Keep your laser handy!
Crow: Serve the Computer!

>1. Write more Q stories. Grudge only worsens. No story can save
> you -- nothing can save you -- you're doomed! Dooomed!
> DOOOOOMED!

Mike: Hmm, I have this sudden urge for a computer game...
Tom: Mike, last time that you played, you lost to a five year old.
Mike: That's just because he knew the level better.

>---me...@europa.com---
>"Bwahhahahahaha."
>--Mercutio

Crow: Also attributed to Keith Giffen and J.M. DeMatteis.

>------------------------------------------------------
Tom: Just north of this border, 100,000 Iraqi troops waited to
surrender to the first journalist that passed their way.

>-the end-

>---me...@europa.com---
>"Whom God would destroy He first sends mad."
>-- James Duport

Crow: He first sends Mads?
Mike: Well, that applies in our case.
Tom: Let's get out of here.

[1. . . 2. . . 3. . . 4. . . 5. . . 6 . . . ]