[MiSTied] Re: Ouija boards
Bob Frapples
and flounder, and a picnic basket, looking into camera as Mike hits the Mad
light.]
MIKE: Excuse me, Dr. Forrester, can you hear me?
[Deep 13. Dr. Forrester is sitting on a stool with a board on his knees,
smiling. He makes no effort to reply to them.]
[Satellite of Love]
MIKE: Dr. Forrester, we had an idea and we were just wondering if you would
...
[Deep 13]
Dr. FORRESTER: I know. And I won't.
[Satellite of Love]
TOM: Wow! How did he know what we were going to ask before we even asked
it?
[Deep 13]
[Dr. Forrester holds up the board on his lap so they can see the letters on
it.]
[SoL]
CROW: Oh, he's got him a Ouija board.
[Deep 13]
Dr. F: Not just a mere Ouija board. This is a weapon of destruction and
disarray, of misery untold and unimaginable, of pain beyond the thresholds
of any mortal to endure. You see, I have been reading the Usenet and I
found out just how truly dangerous this unregulated piece of preternatural
paraphernalia seems to be. This, indeed, is the Corvair of the spirit realm.
The following material comes, appropriately enough, from alt.consciousness.
near-death-experiences. First you will get a brief safety lecture on the
use of the Ouija, and then an in-depth discussion of the horrors of its
misuse. I'm doing you a favor by letting you see this information.
And now.
[Dr. F. returns the board to his knees, places fingertips on it and
contorts face in concentration.]
Dr. F: Now ... send ... you ... the posts ...
[SoL]
ALL: Oh no, we've got Usenet sign ...
[6 ... 5... 4... 3... 2 ... 1]
>Date: 18 Feb 1996 21:24:34 -0800
>Newsgroups: alt.consciousness.near-death-exp
>Subject: Re: IMPORTANT! Re: Ouija boards...
>
>In article <NEWTNews.6186.8...@onramp.net> scribe@.onramp.net
> writes:
>>
>>In article <4fecuq$g...@newsbf02.news.aol.com>, <ait...@aol.com> writes:
>>
>>> I have heard too many weird stuff about Ouija Boards....I didnt
know you could ask for >>>protection.
MIKE: Sheik. Get some.
>>
>>
>>Absolutely you can ask for protection! Please please do ask for
>>protection if you plan to use a ouija board.
TOM: I always get that part wrong. I ask for a Ouija board when I plan to
use protection.
>>
>>The problem is, this stuff works. It's not a lark or a toy, as suggested
>>when the ouija board is sold as a child's game. People open themselves
>>up unprotected to any disembodied soul passing by and then wonder why
>>all manner of weird and downright painful stuff happens to them.
MIKE: Maybe they should get a board with caller ID.
>>
>>Would you venture into Central Park alone at 3 in the morning with no
>>protection? Not if you are prudent.
CROW: This guy seriously overrates his chance of getting lucky.
>>Just so with the ouija board. Ask
>>for protection from your angels (guides) and then use it.
>>It also helps if you contact only departed loved ones, not the shades of
> >Elvis.
TOM: Sort of a no-win situation for Priscilla and Lisa Marie.
MIKE: I once had the shades of Elvis, but not the sideburns.
>>Souls respond if they have an emotional tie to those who are
>> asking to speak to them. If you just ask for "someone out there," you
>>might
MIKE: Sound like Fievel.
CROW: You know, if Orson Welles had directed "An American Tail,"
they could have called it "Touch of Fievel."
MIKE: We can all go about our lives and forget that this ever happened.
> just get someone out there and
>>regret it immensely.
>>
>>Do you randomly dial a telephone just to find out who will answer?
TOM: What? No, it wasn't me, I was cleaning the load pan bay that day, I
was helping Gypsy with the filtration system, I swear!
>> No, most of us, unless we are emotionally or mentally disturbed, have a
>>specific person in mind when we make a phone call.
MIKE: But we still call our wives instead.
>
>>Treat the ouija board in the same respectful manner and you should not
experience problems.
TOM: If you *do* experience problems, our customer service line will be
happy to keep you on hold through the millennium.
MIKE: What can you expect? Ouija boards are so slow anyway. Takes forever
to spell anything out.
TOM: They've fixed that on the newer ones, you know. They've got
speed dialing
MIKE: Really?
TOM: Yeah, really convenient, you can program one button for Seth and
another for Nostradamus, another for Edgar Cayce ...
MIKE: No kidding?
TOM: Sure. An' they even got a little 911 button on some of the fancy ones.
MIKE: Well, it sounds like they would be safe. Maybe these folks have just
jumped the gun a little bit. Let's see what the next post says about
the dangers.
>
>
============================================
From: jo...@melbpc.org.au (John Fitzsimons)
Newsgroups:
alt.paranormal,alt.paranet.psi,alt.paranet.paranormal,alt.life.afterlife,alt.
consciousness.near-death-exp
Subject: Re: IMPORTANT! Re: Ouija boards...
Date: Sat, 02 Mar 1996 10:03:21 GMT
On Thu, 29 Feb 1996 20:26:57 GMT, kar...@netcom.com (Karen McEneaney)
wrote:
>Jonathan A. Frater (log...@inch.com) wrote:
>: Look, this is painfully simple. The things are bad news. Stay away
>: from them. Play with something safer...like an oil tanker.
>Good advice. Dynamite would be another option.
TOM: So I guess if we had a Ouija board loaded with dynamite on an oil
tanker, we wouldn't dare fart.
>>I have been following this thread and still don't understand what
>>could be dangerous. I recently discovered an old board lying around
>>and have been toying with the idea of using it by myself to see
>>what would happen. So I contact a random spirit - what is the worst
>>that could happen?
TOM: That you believe you can contact a random spirit.
>A joke right ? Perhaps not.
MIKE: Geez, he's MiSTing us back.
CROW: Scary.
>Some of the things that can/do happen
>are : Following the "invitation" for any spirit to call in a negative
>spirit can :
>( 1) Cause considerable physical damage in the house. Broken mirrors,
>ornaments, pictures etc.
CROW: And they always split before your folks get home.
>(2) Cause physical damage to the physical people present. Scratches,
>bruising etc.
MIKE: So the non-physical people who are present must not have much to
worry about?
>(3) Cause repeated nightmares for the participants. NOT only while
>they are asleep either.
MIKE: We know how that feels.
>(4) Cause a weakening of people's auras leaving them more vulnerable
>to sickness of some kind.
CROW: But with the personal hygiene products available today, even people
with weakened auras can live a full and active life.
>(5) "Possess" one or more of the sitters.
MIKE: I once had a sitter I thought was possessed.
TOM: You once had a sitter you *wanted* to possess. Chee-hee.
>IF the spirit was violent
>eg. a murderer when alive the possessed person can do many violent and
>anti-social things.
CROW: Just think how awful it would be if the spirit was a Trekkie when
alive.
TOM: I *don't* want to picture that.
>(6) Increased "accidents". Including fatal ones.
TOM: "Danger: Death Ouija"
CROW: "Five Ouijas of Death"
MIKE: "Death Ouija 2000"
>Those are just some of the things that can occur. Marriage breakups,
TOM: (sings) Ouija still love me tomorrow?
>miscarriages, nervous breakdowns etc. etc. could also be added.
MIKE: Options not available in all states.
>> I would *like* to talk to a random spirit.
>Okay. Which "option" appeals to you ? (1) ? (2) ? etc.
MIKE: Oh, just give me the random spirit and a diet Sprite.
>> I think that would be phenomenal. I don't see how one can equate this
>>with dialing a phone number at random.
>When you phone a random number you can get any type of person.
>Including some real creeps. Just like when using the ouija.
MIKE: Imagine if you got the Jerky Boys of the spirit realm.
TOM: I think we already have.
>>Basically, I just want to figure out if my friend was pushing the
>>planchette 10 years ago when we were kids and first got the board.
>:)
MIKE: What? A physically possible explanation? I don't think so.
>Have you thought of asking him ?
TOM: Just, heh-heh, don't use the Ouija board to do it, OK?
>>Karen
>Regards, John.
****************************************************
,-._|\ John Fitzsimons - Melbourne, Australia.
/ Oz \ jo...@melbpc.org.au, Fidonet 3:632/309
\_,--.x/ http://www.vicnet.net.au/~johnf/welcome.htm
v
TOM: Hmm, nice ASCII map of Australia.
[1 ... 2 ... 3 ... 4 ... 5 ... 6]
[back on deck of Satellite of Love]
MIKE: Now let's give these people the benefit of the doubt. They sound
concerned, and anyway you can't *prove* that a Ouija board is completely
free of danger, can you? Right? So let's enter into the spirit of the
discussion here. Can anybody think of any other ways in which Ouija
boards can be dangerous? Crow?
CROW: Well, you could leave it on the floor and someone could drop a
newspaper on top of it. And then the crabby lady from next door you're
supposed to be nice to could come over to discuss all the mysterious
power outages in your neighborhood, and she could maybe step on it.
And she slips and hurts her ankle real bad and they get a lawyer and
they sue you and you lose your home, all because you didn't treat the
Ouija board with proper respect.
MIKE: Very good, Crow. How about you, Tom?
TOM: Feh! This is so lame.
MIKE: Come on now, Tom, just try.
TOM: (sigh) All right. You use it as a tray to carry your bowl of popcorn
and your diet Sprite over to the couch, and the surface of the board is
so slippery that your diet Sprite falls off it.
MIKE: And?
TOM: And ... then ... you'd have to wipe up the carpet.
MIKE: OK, Crow, can you think of any other way it might be dangerous?
CROW: If you lost that little pointer thingy and you tried to use your
Magic 8-Ball instead and it rolled off the board and hit your foot real
hard.
MIKE: Very good point, especially about mixing incompatible divinational
systems. Tom?
TOM: *Oh, I know, I know!* Your girlfriend might think it was really
romantic to see if you can spell out her name on the Ouija board with
your eyes closed, just letting your fingers guide you inexorably to her
name.
MIKE: Oh, I can see how that's dangerous.
TOM: And so you have to sit there with the thing on your knees and you're
sweating bullets hoping you can move the pointer to M-E-G-H-A-N, but
instead you point to S-G-R-L and she starts to wonder out loud if that
it means you really love someone named Shirley even though neither one
of you knows anyone named Shirley and she doesn't really believe in
Ouija boards anyway but maybe, just maybe it was a sign of something
you're hiding from her or something she's never been able to admit to
herself. So now you've got to follow her around the house pleading
with her that you really DID try to spell M-E-G-H-A-N, and besides it's
a pretty stupid thing to get upset over and she says, "Humph, maybe
this *Shirley* isn't as stupid as *I* seem to be," and you swear to God
that you hope Shirley isn't, and if you ever even *meet* someone named
Shirley the first thing you're gonna do is ask her if she has any
stupid old Ouija boards in her house, and then Meghan runs from the
house in tears and you have to follow her but your Mazda konks out in
the driveway and you can't go after her and ALL YOU WANTED TO DO WAS
HAVE SOME PEACE AND QUIET SO YOU COULD WATCH THE RED SOX GAME
WITHOUT HAVING TO ...
MIKE: There, there, come on li'l buddy, ease down out of it.
TOM: (sob) So *that's* why Ouija boards are dangerous.
MIKE: All right then. So we have established that they're dangerous. Now,
let's say that you're in the government and your job depends on coming
up with a warning label for Ouija boards.
CROW: Like the warning labels they stick on everything theses days?
MIKE: Right. What kind of label would we have to require them to stick on
Ouija boards?
CROW: Do not drive with Ouija board in place.
TOM: May cause drowsiness when used at office parties.
CROW: Using blank side of board could cause a decrease in legibility.
TOM: Caution: Sulfurous pits of Hades may be hot.
CROW: Not to be used for the preparation of income taxes.
TOM: Caution: Too many warning labels will make this thing impossible to
read.
CROW: Can be used as a flotational device.
TOM: Do not floss with board unless you're Terry Thomas.
MIKE: [into camera] What do you think, sir?
[Deep 13]
Dr. F: Well, I think that ...
[SoL]
MIKE: Yeah, we know. [holds up Ouija board.]
TOM: Push the planchette, Mike.
*Fwooooooosh*
[credits, theme. Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters
and situations are trademarks of and © 1994 by Best Brains, Inc. All rights
reserved.]
>: Look, this is painfully simple. The things are bad news. Stay away
>: from them. Play with something safer...like an oil tanker.