MST3K: THE DIVINE MASTERS (part1!)
Robert Everett Brunskill
end, Tom and Crow is on the other. Crow is holding a card up to Tom.
There are dice in Tom's head.>
Tom: Ok Gypsy, who was the oldest man to ever live?
Crow: He he heh.
Gypsy: George. Burns.
Tom: Oh, nope, sorry Gypsy, that's wrong.
Crow: Ok Tom, roll.
<Tom shakes his head, Crow looks in>
Crow: Four.
<Crow moves a piece on the board.>
Crow: 'Famous Bible Quotes'
Gypsy: How much wood?
Tom: Uh...
Crow: Huh?
Gypsy: Could a woodchuck chuck?
Tom: What is she saying?
Gypsy: If a woodchuck could chuck?
Crow: Uh, Gypsy, I don't think that's on the card.
Tom: Yeah Gypsy, read a question from the card.
Gypsy: WOOD?
Tom: Gypsy? Read from the card dear.
Gypsy: WOULD?
Crow: Oh come on! How are we supposed to win if she makes the questions up?
Tom: We don't know, ok? We don't know!
Gypsy: Wrong!
<Tom shakes his head, Crow looks in.>
Crow: Three.
<Crow moves Gypsy's piece.>
Crow: 'Famous Bible People'
Tom: Ok, who died for your sins?
<Crow rolls his eyes.>
Gypsy: MMmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm... Rod Serling.
<Crow falls over.>
Commercial
<Fade in. Joel is with the bots, he is digging the dice out of Tom's head.>
Joel: Look guys, I appreciate you expanding your trivia knowledge, but
Tom, you shouldn't put dice in here.
Tom: Sorry Joel.
Joel: What game are you playing anyways?
Crow: Well, Tom and I were playing 'Bible Trivia(trademark) Boardgame'.
We don't know what Gypsy was playing.
Gypsy: WOOD?
Joel: You know Gypsy is a busy girl, she doesn't have much time to play games.
Crow: Yeah, yeah.
Joel: Listen up, it's the Mads.
Dr.F: Joel! Doing a little family quality time I see! Well, it's time
for the invention exchange so quit messing around and get ready! Frank!
Get in here.
Joel: Ok you guys, clean this up, I have to go get the invention.
Gypsy: WOULD!
Frank: Hey, Dr. F.
Dr.F: That's Forester to you! Have you got the inention on?
Frank: Ready and loaded.
Dr.F: Alright then, lets begin. Now, we all know about the popularity
of Trivial Pursuit type games, matching people's knowledge of useless,
unimportant trivia, while moving around a stupid-looking board for cheep
laughs. Well, recently the popularity has begun to die down, so to make
it more interesting again we've added a new twist!
Crow: Articulated board pieces?
Tom: Tougher questions that require at least twelve years in college?
Joel: The questions stored on an electronic media that not only gives
text questions, but sight, sound, and smell related ones as well?
Gypsy: WOOD?
Joel, Tom, Crow: Huh?
Dr.F and Frank: Huh?
Dr.F: No! None of those things. It's the new electro-feedback unit.
Now when someone misses a question about Lucile Van Pelt's charges for
psychiatric help, instead of laughing at their stupidity, you can send
100 Amps of electric current through their body! With the touch of a
button you can create a potential difference of 3000 volts across a
friend or neighbor's body! Shall we demonstrate? Frank?
Frank: Ready whenever you are boss.
Dr.F: Ok Frank, name one of the pioneers of the 'rational expactations
theory' in economics.
Frank: Oh, that's Thomas Sargent
Dr.F: No Frank! That's ... right. Ok, name Philip K. Dick's last
published novel.
Frank: Radio Free Albemeth
Dr.F: That's right. What are the crunchies in a Krispy Klondike bar made of?
Frank: Cracker Jax.
Dr.F: Oh, right again Frank. What is the average albedo of the earth?
Frank: Point three nine.
Dr.F: Ok, what is the capital of Wyoming?
Frank: Cheyanne?
Dr.F: .... WRONG! WRONG WRONG WRONG FRANK! You lose! Bad Frank! <all
this while pushing 'the button'>
Frank: B..but....
Dr.F: No buts Frank, I said you got it WRONG! Does it hurt? Does it hurt bad?
Frank: Y..y....ye.....
<Dr.F releases the button.>
Dr.F: Now for your post this week Joel...
<Joel is holding some sort of geared device with fuzzy dice hanging off of it>
Joel: But what about my Nerf automatic dice roller?
Dr.F: No time for that now Joel. Your post for this week is another
from music.newage.
Crow: McCloud again?
Dr.F: That's McElwaine tin can. And yes, again!
Joel: But, why? Why always his posts?
Dr.F: Because he's prolific Joel. But don't worry, we're trying to dig
up some other writers!
Tom: That scares me.
Dr.F: So sit back and relax Joel, and enjoy the infomitive lecture of
the 'Jesus is among us' thriller, "THE DIVINE MASTERS".
Frank: Your turn Dr. F!
Dr.F: That's okay Frank, the game's over.
Frank: Oh, just when I was beginning to enjoy it.
Dr.F: Yes Joel, Jesus is back, and he's pissed off. Enjoy!
Joel: AHHH! We've got message sign!
Gypsy: WOULD?
G...6...5...4...3...2...1...
On 06-May-93 in THE DIVINE MASTERS
Joel: Now Tom, now that I've made that Nerf Dice Roller, I don't want
you putting dice in your head again.
Tom: Yes Joel.
Crow: Hey look, it's caps night at the stadium!
user mce...@cnsvax.uwec.edu writes:
> THE DIVINE MASTERS
Tom: OF THE UNIVERSE!
>
> Most
Joel: Nine out of ten, anyways.
> Christians would agree, and correctly so, that
> Jesus Christ was a Divine Master,
Crow: Well that _is_ sort of implied in the name isn't it?
> and a projection of God
Tom: Onto the wall.
> into the physical world, God Incarnate.
Joel: Here at God Inc. we have many new and innovative projects going on!
>
> But there are some very important related facts
Tom: In this post? That's doubtful.
> that
> Christians are COMPLETELY IGNORANT of
Crow: Such as devil worshipping, and other fun activities and
incantations that you can perform at home.
> , as are followers of
> most other world religions.
>
> First, Jesus Christ was NOT unique,
Joel: Yeah, other gods-that-walk-this-earth get really annoyed that
Jesus gets all the credit.
> John 3:16
Tom: 'For God so loved a good joke he gave his only McElwaine an account
with which to post.'
> NOTWITH-
Crow: Any reason or cause what so ever.
> STANDING. There is ALWAYS at least one such Divine Master
> (God Incarnate)
Joel: Well, I guess that is the reason behind most religion.
> PHYSICALLY ALIVE
Tom: Well, and living in the subburbs of eastern LA.
> in this world AT ALL TIMES,
> a continuous succession
Crow: Of unrelated ravings, and redundant sentances.
> THROUGHOUT HISTORY, both before and
> after the life of
Tom: Brian.
> Jesus.
>
> The followers of some of these Masters
Joel: Yes masteeerr, yeesss masteeerrr. (<-Igor voice)
> founded the
> world's major religions, usually PERVERTING
Joel: We're a wholesome family, we don't go for that sort of sick thing.
> the teachings of
> their Master in the process.
Tom: So let me get this straight...
Crow: Good luck.
Tom: The only people who have any contact with God and know God's
teachings are not to be trusted on the subject?
> Christians, for example, added
> THREATS of "ETERNAL DAMNATION"
Crow: PREPARE TO MEET KALI...
> in Hell, and DELETED the
> teaching of REincarnation.
Joel: Because no one returned to carry on the tradition.
>
> Secondly, and more importantly,
Crow: I don't see how.
> after a particular
> Master physically dies and leaves this world,
Joel: And not just one or the other, he has to do both.
> there is
> NOTHING that He can do for ANYbody
Tom: Well, I think we pretty much take that for granted.
> except for the relatively
> few people that He INITIATED
Joel: Into the gang!
Crow: Hey, isn't that hazing?
> while He was still PHYSICALLY
> alive. (THAT IS SIMPLY THE WAY GOD SET THINGS UP IN THE
> UNIVERSES.)
All: AHHH!! Not so loud!
Tom: Wait a minute, universes?
>
> Therefore, all those Christians who worship Jesus, and
> pray to Jesus, and expect Jesus to return and save them from
> their sins, are only KIDDING THEMSELVES,
Crow: Just as I am with these posts.
Joel: Because he's dead, _dead_, DEAD!
> and have allowed
> themselves to be DUPED by
Tom: Me.
> a religion that was mostly
> MANUFACTURED
Tom: In the factories of modern day America!
> by the Romans.
Crow: But weren't the Romans the ones killing them off?
Joel: No, not those Romans, the other Romans.
Crow: Oh.
>
> And emotional "feelings"
Tom: <sings> Nothing more than feelings!
> are a TOTALLY DECEIVING
> indicator
Joel: A deceiving indicator?
Crow: Yeah, this post.
> for religious validity.
>
> These things are similarly true for followers of most
> other major world religions, including Islam.
Tom: And McElwainism.
>
> Thirdly, the primary function of each Master is to tune
Crow: In next week, same batty time, same batty theory.
> His Initiates into the "AUDIBLE LIFE STREAM"
Tom: Like the sound of bubbling wayer.
> or "SOUND
> CURRENT",
Crow: TDK, so real.
Joel: Was it live, or was it Memorex?
> (referred to as "THE WORD"
Tom: So just which word is it?
Crow: Ah! You said it!
> in John 1:1-5, and as
> "The River of Life" in Revelation 22:1
Joel: I think that's the verse after they mention the UPC scanners.
> ), and to personally
> guide each of them thru
Tom: He's telling us about what God's really like and he doesn't know
how to spell through?
Crow: Maybe means 'threw', as in "God threw out all my ideas".
> the upper levels of Heaven while
Tom: Those going to hell read this post.
> they
> are still connected to their living physical bodies by a
> "silver cord".
Joel: Anyone have a scissors? I really hate it when you have those
little strings that hang off your clothes.
>
> True Salvation, which completes a Soul's cycles of
> REincarnation
Crow: Is that anything like 'reincarnation'?
Joel: No, I think it might be different.
Tom: I've got it! He's typing with an accent!
> in the physical and psychic planes,
Crow: So _that's_ the true meaning behind Trans-World Airlines.
> is achieved
> only by reaching
Tom: Great velocities!
> at least the "SOUL PLANE"
Joel: Soul Plane! It's the Soul Plane! <Joel gets up and boogies>
Crow: Righteous!
> , which is five
> levels or universes
Crow: Geez, even when you're dead you still have to go to school.
> above the physical universe, and this
> canNOT be done without the help of a PHYSICALLY-Living Divine
> Master.
Joel: What about a physically-dead one?
>
> One such Divine Master alive today is an American, Sri
> Harold Klemp,
Tom: The VonKlemps!
Crow: I get plenty klemp and put them on your nose!
Joel: How many nationalities is that name?
> the Living "Eck" Master
Tom: The master of all things creepy.
> or "Mahanta"
Joel: I just love it when those cute little kids try to say 'Manhattan'!
> for the
> "Eckankar" organization, now headquartered in Minneapolis,
> (P.O. Box 27300; zip 55427).
Crow: Or, dial 1-800-I-AM-NUTS.
> Another Divine Master is Maharaj Gurinder Singh Ji
Tom: Many of his followers leave out his second name, and call him M.S. Ji.
Joel: Yeah, they even named a chemical after him.
> , now
> living in Punjab, India,
Joel: <sings> Punjab, Indiana, Punjab, Indiana, Punjab Indiana, Not
Louisiana, Paris, France, or Rome!
Tom: Uh, that was 'India' Joel.
Crow: Music from India?
> and is associated with the "Sant
> Mat" organization.
Tom: Maker of fine welcome and door mats everywhere!
>
> One of the classic books on this subject is "THE PATH OF
> THE MASTERS"
Joel: Yeah, I remember reading that when we took that unit on classic
literature in High School.
> (Radha Soami Books, P.O. Box 242, Gardena, CA
> 90247), written in 1939 by Dr. Julian Johnson,
Crow: Hey hey! It's Dr. J!
Joel: I'm not a real doctor, but I play one in my spare time.
> a theologian
> and surgeon who spent the last years of his life in India
> studying
Tom: Indians!
Joel: Classic Greek architecture!
Crow: Very small rocks.
> under and closely observing the Sant Mat Master
Tom: The new exercise machine that's easy to use!
> of
> that time, Maharaj Sawan Singh Ji.
Tom: They changed his name!
Joel: That's great, but what do MSSJ, and SMM of the SMO have to do with
DMMGSJ or SHK?
>
> Several of the Eckankar books, including some authored
> by Sri Paul Twitchell
Tom: Twit-shell?
Joel: SPT!
Crow: Layzner.
> or Sri Harold Klemp,
Crow: I get plenty klemp, and put them on...
Joel: Stop it.
> can be found in
> most public and university libraries
Tom: Which have no sense of dignity.
> and some book stores,
Crow: You mean like the ones that say 'Adult Only'?
> or
> obtained thru inter-library loan.
Joel: Once the laughter dies down.
Crow: And if you don't get kicked out first.
> The book "ECKANKAR--THE
> KEY TO
Tom: Locks?
> SECRET WORLDS", by Sri Paul Twitchell,
Joel: Oh, that twit.
> is ANOTHER
> classic.
Crow: My, we _do_ have a liberal interpretation of 'classics' don't we?
>
> Many Christians are likely to
Tom: Laugh at me.
> confuse the Masters with
> the "Anti-Christ",
Crow: You know, the politically correct prefer 'Pro-Devil'.
Joel: Well, I prefer being a 'Pro-Christ' member myself.
> which is or was
Tom: Great! He's even confused himself now!
> to be a temporary world
> dictator
Joel: Don't you just hate those temps? They come in, they try to steal
your friends and take over your job.
> during the so-called "last days". But the Masters
> don't ever rule,
Crow: Because measuring is a sin.
> even when asked or expected to do so as
> Jesus was.
>
> People who continue following Christianity, Islam, or
> other orthodox religions with a physically-DEAD
Joel: As opposed to what other types of dead?
Tom: Brain dead?
Crow: Suddenly his posting makes sense...
> Master, will
> CONTINUE on their cycles
Joel: Like a French bike race.
> of REincarnation,
Tom: While those who follow live masters will partake in much HALlucination.
> between the
> Psychic Planes and this MISERABLE
Crow: Joke of a theory.
> physical world, until they
> finally accept Initiation
Joel: Into the gang! Come on guys, we better go.
> from a PHYSICALLY-LIVING Divine
> Master.
1...2...3...4...5...6...G
Tom: Tonight, on 'Unsolved Mysteries' we search for the origins of the
elusive R. E. McElwaine. First we started by calling up his plan file...
Crow: He doesn't have one.
Tom: What? What do you mean? The plan-file analysis was going to span
the first hour!
Crow: Well, I couldn't find any.
Tom: After an unsuccessful day of searching we turned to the
'netnews.fan.robert.mcelwaine' board, to find some source of information
on him.
Crow: Well, uh, there was a short comment from someone who goes to the
school where he has his account. Mentioned something about cordoroy
pants, and only taking one class that he doesn't attend so he has an
account, I think.
Tom: Can't you pull the file?
Crow: It's cycled away.
Tom: Great, just great.
Crow: Well, there was mention of an eff-a-que file.
Tom: Great! Let's see it.
Crow: But I can't find it.
Tom: How about sending him email?
Crow: Do you want to risk it?
Tom: Uh, no, how about his own posts?
Crow: HAVEN'T I SUFFERED ENOUGH OF HIS RANTING?
<Crow starts sobbing. Joel enters.>
Joel: Hey little buddy, what's wrong?
Crow: Well, it's just that, that, well WAR$ are run by little green
PIECE$ of paper funding RU$$IA'$ fully ARMED and OPERATIONAL
BATTLE$TATION although now money NEED$ to be $PENT on ENERGY because
it'$ FREE thinking that i$ being $UPRE$$ED by the GE$TAPO A$
DEMON$TRATED at WACO which I$ directly related to JAME$TOWN which I$ all
JU$T a front for the non-EXI$TANT "HOLOCAU$T" BECAU$E the government
WANT$ U$ to keep from U$ING a combination of FREE-ENERGY TECHNOLOGY and
ZERO/REDUCED ANTI-gravity Air/$PACE$HIPS A$ explained clearly in
LAR$ONIAN PHY$IC$ to go to a comet RONDEZVOU$ where we would find out
that JE$U$ I$ alive and well living in a ANTI-GRAVITY chamber in
VIRGINIA from which he FUND$ ABORTION$ AND FIGHT$ THE EVIL NEMI$I$ THAT
I$ THE UPC-$CANNER!
Bwwwwaaaaaaaahaaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tom: Joel, he's scaring me.
Joel: Come on little buddy, we better go wipe your memory chips.
Crow: NO I WON'T LET YOU TAKE ME YOU COMMUNI$T $ATANIC $CANNING DEVIL!
AAAAAAHAHHHAHAHAHAAHAAAAAAHAHAAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!
Joel: We'll be right back...
<Joel hits the commercial light and drags Crow off. Commercial.>
<Likely to be continued,
Rob>