MiSTing: Stephen Ratliff's Revenge Challenge [4/6]
Matthew R Blackwell
[Once again, the bots and Mike stand behind the control console. It's
still smoky.]
Tom: Say Mike, I've also been thinking about what it would be like if
we could get revenge on our hypothetical creators.
Mike: Well, we've got nothing better to do so, go ahead and tell us
Tom.
Tom: Well, I think that it would go something like this. . .
[The dissolve sequence runs again. The setting is the same; a small
Minneapolis home's living room. Bridget is still sitting in a chair
reading the paper. A moment later the doorbell rings.]
Michael: [offscreen] Hon? Could you get that?
Bridget: Okay.
[She walks to the door and opens it. Tom, Crow and Mike stand
outside.]
Bridget: Oh hi. What do you want?
Tom: We're here to get our revenge on you!
Crow: That's right! After all that we've suffered through. . .
Bridget: After all that *you've* suffered through? Look pal. If
there's anyone here who deserves revenge, it's me.
Tom: Huh?
Bridget: Look, how many time were you forced to watch Manos?
Crow: Once. But that was once too many.
Bridget: I had to watch it six times! Six times! All because of you
three. And I've had to suffer through the scenes that you
didn't see. You weren't forced to watch Joe Don Baker
smash someone's head in with a pipe, were you? You didn't
see the rape scene in Side Hackers. You didn't suffer
through the endless scenes of people talking and talking
and talking from This Island Earth, did you? No! And I've
had to watch the countless movies that were too bad for
even you to watch. And you have the gall to say that you
deserve revenge on me?
Crow: No ma'am.
Mike: Sorry.
Tom: We'll be going now.
Bridget: Good. [She slams the door shut and returns to her chair and
resumes reading.]
Michael: [Offscreen] Hon, who was that?
Bridget: More of your psycho fans.
Michael: [Offscreen] Oh. [pause] Were they carrying a sign that says
"I hate Joel's new voice?"
Bridget: Not this time.
Michael: [Offscreen] That's good.
[The dissolve occurs again and we're back in the SoL.]
Tom: Well, that didn't go quite as I planned.
Crow: See, you didn't do any better. How about you, Mike?
[The lights begin to flash.]
Mike: Oh darn. Challenge sign. I guess that'll have to wait. [aside]
Hopefully for a long, long time.
[The usual mayhem occurs.]
[1. . . 2. . . 3 . . . 4. . . 5. . . 6. . .]
[The trio enters and sits down.]
>Article: 72010
>Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
>From: Geordi Pad <geo...@gti.net>
>Subject: NEW: (Voy/RL xover) "Revenge Backfired" [PG] Parody
>Date: Thu, 20 Nov 1997 20:03:08 -0500
>This is a multi-part message in MIME format.
Mike: So. . ., heck. I can't do any more MIME jokes.
Crow: Allow me. So, the author's face will be in black and white then?
>--------------7FAE2FBA3520
>Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii
>Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit
>This is a Non-New Life
Tom: So, it's an Old Life then?
> story, so don't get this confused with *any* of
>my stories I created for the Voyager: New Life series. Thanks! :)
Crow: How about the "No Life" series?
Tom: That's over in alt.flame.
>--------------7FAE2FBA3520
>Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii; name="Revenge.txt"
>Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit
>Content-Disposition: inline; filename="Revenge.txt"
>I had been reading the so-called `Revenge' stories
Tom: I say "so-called" because few of the authors seem to be suffering
by their meetings with those that they've tormented in any
way.
> posted on ASC in
>response to the `challenge' made by Stephen Ratcliff, and I found it
>fun and silly reading Trek characters tormenting us Trek fan-writers.
>Thinking it over, I decided to join the fray.
Crow: So, I wrote a story where the Xena characters get revenge on
Alara. Then someone explained to me what the actual
challenge was.
>My story is a reversal of the usual "Give me mercy" story, so expect
>punches being exchange.
Mike: The current exchange rate is one punch per 2.65 slaps.
>Also, I'm going to be using the names of fellow authors in this story.
>I appreciate you all know that I'm *not* placing any of you in a bad
>name or such. I enjoy your friendship highly!
Crow: So, should we go with the sitcom or the Peter Gabriel ref here?
Mike: Let's let this one slide.
Tom: Mike, you're getting soft.
>Disclaimers: Star Trek: Voyager is owned by Paramount Inc.
>This story is owned by George Padovan. This story can be archived in
>the ASC archive, but will need the owner's permission
>before archiving anywhere else - archive or web page. This story is
>made for a non-profit use - reading. All feedback, except for flames,
>are welcome at geo...@gti.net.
>This story is rated PG.
>Revenge Backfired (Voy/RL crossover)
>By George Padovan
> Looking at my computer screen I chuckled when I read the part of
>Tom Paris force-feeding Neelix's bad foods down the poor writer's
>throat. The idea of Paris going on a rampage like that amused me silly.
>I had yet to see him act like that in an episode.
> Ratcliff's
All: Sigh.
Mike: What is it about Ratliff that causes people associated with him
to start misspelling things left and right?
Tom: He's a quantum event. The laws of spelling as we know them don't
apply when Ratliff is involved.
> challenge was quite entertaining and I was thinking
>about writing a contribution myself. Now what Voyager main character
>would seek revenge against me? Most of my stories, saved "Too a
>Different Toon",
Mike: . . .had titles that parsed properly.
Tom & Crow: [singing] Too, a toon, a diff'rent toon. . .
>didn't show any tormenting or anything toward the main
>characters.
> Then I heard a scratching sound out in the hallway. I shrugged it
>off thinking it was the family cat.
Crow: That failed sitcom idea by Spielberg?
> Suddenly I heard a feline screech
>and I knew something was wrong. "Princess?" I called out for the
>Himalayan cat as I got off my chair and headed toward the computer
>room's entrance door.
> "Damn!" I heard a male voice and I froze. My parents were away
>visiting relatives in Italy, and my older siblings were all on their
>own.
Mike: I had stranded them in the middle of the desert and left them
with only a spoon. That'll teach them to make fun of Voyager!
>I was the only one left in the house, leaving me the conclusion
>that a *stranger* was in the house with me.
Tom: [singing] Somebody there that I can't see. . .
> I backed-up toward the computer and fetched my dull,
Crow: . . .folder of a.s.c. rejects. I'd bore the intruder to death!
>Renaissance sword I used for my Renaissance costume.
ALL: Huzzah!
> I held it up in a striking position
Crow: And I used some makeup to accentuate the sword's natural
features.
>as I reached for the phone. It was dead
Mike: They've traced the calls! They're coming from inside the house!
>and I realized I couldn't call for help.
> Then the door opened. I dropped the phone and prepared to defend
>myself.
Tom: But a phone is an excellent weapon!
Mike: Especially if it hasn't been sanitized.
> A tall man entered the room and my eyes widened at the sight of
>him.
Crow: Gary Burghoff was in my house!
> "It *can't* be!" I said out loud thinking that those `Revenge'
>stories may have merit.
Mike: It can't be that those stories have merit?
> The man wore a Voyager command uniform and was holding a phaser
>in one hand and a tricorder in another. He had dark hair, a Maquis
Mike: Or Marquis.
Tom: Or Maqui.
Crow: Or Mabiddledomqui.
>rank pin, and a very well known tattoo on his left temple. Commander
>Chakotay.
Crow: He had a tattoo of Chakotay on his face?
> I narrowed my eyes at him. This can't be Chakotay I told myself.
>Of course, I did believe that other universes existed, so it was a
>possibility that this man is Chakotay. Unless. . . Robert Beltran decided
>to make a trip all the way from California. I immediately shook it off.
>Not even Beltran would do something this crazy.
Crow: Robert Beltran: wild and craaaaaazy guy!
> "Commander Chakotay, I presumed," I said to relieve the silence.
> "That's right," Chakotay responded still pointing the phaser at
>me. I guessed it was set to `stun' since I *knew* Starfleet officers
>wouldn't commit murder.
Mike: I'm still suspicious about that Ensign Simpson though.
> "Why are you here, Commander? Do you know that being here is a
>violation of the Prime Directive?"
Crow: Hasn't the Prime Directive been violated more than it's been
enforced on any given Star Trek show?
> I slowly moved toward the table in
>the center of the room.
> "Not exactly," the Commander answered. "I know that in this
>universe, my ship and I are just fictional characters, so no one would
>believe you if you tell them about me. As for what I'm doing here, I'm
>here to make you straight on your stories."
Mike: [Chakotay] No more slash, dammit!
> "My stories?" I asked with an arched eyebrow, imitating Tuvok. I
>took a really good guess what he was talking about. He confirmed my
>hunch for me.
> "Yes, your `New Life' stories. I *hate* them!" he seethed.
> The table was between Voyager's First Officer and me.
Tom: The lamp was over to the left, and a chair was underneath me.
Now that we know how the room is laid out, on with the plot.
> "You *hate* them, Commander? Why? I didn't placed you in any negative
>aspect, so I can't fathom why you hate them so much." I asked anyway. I
>*knew* precisely why he hated them. It could be only one thing.
Mike: Of course! Chakotay disliked the pacing!
> "You made Captain Janeway falling in love with Paris!" the Indian
>shouted out.
Mike: It's Chakotay Nahasapeemapetilon.
Tom: [stereotypical Indian accent] You made Captain Janeway falling in
love with Paris. Oh my golly yes.
> Bingo! "It's nothing but fiction, Commander." I paused acting
>liked an idea came up in my head. "Are you from an universe where my
>stories are true?"
Mike: Because if you are, you'd have a lot of money to give to me, and
Uma Therman should be with you and she'd be madly in love
with me.
> "No. Q brought Voyager to this universe and he showed the command
>staff all the stories the Voyager fans had written. I certainly enjoyed
>reading the stories involving Kath. . .Captain Janeway and me as a
>couple. However, those stories involving the Captain with any other
>male member of the crew, I didn't enjoy."
Mike: [Chakotay] The ones with her and a female crew member, though, I
found strangely. . .intriguing.
Tom: Cripes, this guy's jealous of *fictional* *characters*! How sad
can you get?
> "Well, excuse me for living," I said sarcastically. "I didn't do
>any harm to you what-so-ever.
Crow: If I wanted to harm you, then I'd be writing Chakotay/Neelix
stories.
> It's *fiction*.
Tom: Well, since it actually seems to be happening, then it's really
non-fiction.
Mike: Tom, stop advancing the Time Speeder hypothesis.
> I wrote Janeway with
>Paris because I see the challenge in writing something I *know* will
>not be shown on television.
Crow: Is that the slash writers' motto, or what?
> "To tell you the truth, I root for Janeway to get together with
>you. There's so many authors writing Janeway/Chakotay stories that
>there's no challenge in writing one, so I decided to write Janeway with
>the next best person I could think would be good for her."
Tom: The holo-doctor? He's the only one I can stand for more than two
minutes.
> "Paris?" Chakotay glared at me.
> I decided to keep up the banter; keep the Big Guy busy. "Yes, Tom
>Paris. Next to you, he seemed the best choice for second place."
Crow: So, he was second-best for second place, after Chakotay? The
heck?
> "What about Tuvok?" He asked.
> I gave a laugh. This guy was so easy to distract!
Mike: Scattering all of those shiny things around my house was finally
paying off.
> No wonder Seska could
>manipulate him or Annorax seemed to won him over in "Year of Hell".
Mike: Poor Chakotay! Won over by a bunch of British fans. . .
Tom: No one will get that, you know.
>It was hard for me to believe this person was Commander Chakotay
>as seen on television!
Crow: I'm just picturing him with one of those red "As SEEN on TV!"
bursts on his uniform.
>On the other hand, he could be a Chakotay from a
>different universe than the one on television. "Tuvok?! He's *married*
>already if you didn't already know!"
> Suddenly Chakotay shouted, "Enough!"
Tom: I'll be judge,
I'll be jury,
Said cunning
Chakotay,
I'll try
the whole
case and
condemn
you to
death.
. . . . .
. . .
. . .
..
..
.
.
Crow: Wow! Space-consuming, but cool!
> He looked at me. "You're
>good. I almost forgotten the real reason why I'm here."
> "Which is. . .?" I carried off for him to finish.
Crow: Well, the Captain really likes Cherry flavored Slurpees, so I'm
going to bring her a hundred liters of them.
Mike: Well, why don't you buy her a large Slurpee instead? There's
just a nickel's difference between the two.
> "To erase your stories from existence." He gave an evil smile.
> A feeling of dread came to me. "Erase my stories?"
Crow: [Chakotay] Starting with this one! I'll. . . [trails off as if
melting]
> "That's right. I already did the other Janeway/Paris authors---"
> "Who?" I interrupted him.
> "Rhianna, Marianne Lubianetzky, ReAnne Moreau---"
> "What?!?!
Tom: How the heck are you pronouncing all of those names?
>How dare you erase their stories! They didn't do any
>harm to you! You *know* that!"
> He didn't even act liked he heard me. "Once I'm done with your
>computer, I'll just go to the achieve which housed most of the fan
>stories in America, and erased all the non-Janeway/Chakotay stories
>from there also."
Mike: Hey, there's no mention in any of Ratliff's work of Janeway and
Chakotay being together. I guess that would make it a non-
Janeway/Chakotay work.
Tom: Hey, you're right!
ALL: Cha-ko-tay! Cha-ko-tay!
> Chakotay aimed his tricorder at my computer and I knew what he
>would do. He was going to do to me like Tuvok did to Rain Robinson's
>computer in "Future's End"!
Crow: That would be scarier if we knew what happened in that episode.
Tom: To be fair, I think this story is intended for internal use only.
> With a cry of anger, I shoved the table hard against the no good
>excuse of a Chakotay double-ganger.
Mike: Cripes, if you're going to translate the German word, don't stop
halfway!
Tom: Why, what does "-ganger" mean?
Mike: "Goer," I think, but can you really say "double-goer" with a
straight face?
>He doubled over the table and lost
>his grip on the phaser as it slid over to my side. I grabbed it while I
>quickly ran around the table. Using my sword, I swung it up and knocked
>the tricorder out of his hand. Coming down on the down stroke, I aimed
>at his head, but he grabbed my wrist to stop me while he grabbed the
>other wrist to prevent me from aiming the phaser at him.
> We were face to face while we struggled. "You're not Commander
>Chakotay!" I seethed in his face. We were very equal in strength.
Mike: Whoops. There goes that suspension of disbelief.
>"He wouldn't do this to *anyone*!"
> I saw in his eyes that he knew that his attempt of revenge has
>backfired on him. Then an idea hit me and I took the chance.
Tom: So , I dropped Chakotay, and called up my broker. I'd sell my
shares of General Electric, and invest in PepsiCo instead!
It's risky, but I'll probably make a bundle!
> "How about showing me Voyager, Commander?" I gave him an evil
>smile before I pushed him back against the wall. Momentary having the
>wind knocked out of him, I was able to free my hand,
Tom: Geez, Chakotay's a *wimp*.
Mike: Yeah, George has taken a simple and sweet idea like Star Trek
characters exacting a cruel revenge and turned it into
something sick and twisted.
> the one with the phaser, and tapped his comm badge. "Voyager, emergency
>beam up!" I shouted in the badge.
Mike: Well, you didn't really need to tap it.
Tom: Yeah, sometimes the comm badges work without anyone tapping them.
> "NOOOOOOO---" the Commander started. The next thing I knew we
>were on a transporter pad in a transporter room of only one ship I knew
>Chakotay was from - Voyager.
Crow: . . .in a brilliant act of deduction. . .
Tom: I hate self-insertion, y'know. We can't mock the main character
without turning it into a personal attack.
>"-OOOOOOOOO!"
Tom: "-PPPPPPPPP!" Putting on my OOOOOOOOOPPPPPPPPP!
OOOOOOOOOPPPPPPPPP! Me and you!
> I swung my freed arm around and stun the transporter operator.
>Sorry, guy, but it was either you or I.
> WACK! I found myself on the floor of the pad after being belted
>by the main man. He was about to tap his comm badge when I swung my leg
>and trip him down. I got up and grabbed him comm badge before he could
>do anything. "You really think I'm going to allow you to call for
>help?"
Tom: What if I asked really nicely?
> POW! I found myself on the floor, this time in front of the
>transporter control station. I saw him ran for the door, so I aimed the
>phaser at him, but he was too damn quick. Chakotay ran out the door as
>the phaser missed him. "Chicken!
Mike: What chicken? Do you see a chicken here, Ensign Boo?
Crow: Buck-buck-bucaw!
> Not bad for us Twentieth Centuryers,
>huh?!" I shouted out.
Mike: I thought it was "Twentieth Centurians."
Tom: [Michael Palin] Centuwion! Thwow him to the fwoow!
> I ran out the door and down the corridor wielding my sword and
>phaser.
Crow: It's just a nondescript corridor. How can he be sure that's he's
on Voyager?
Tom: Suddenly, a shuttlecraft exploded.
Crow: I stand corrected.
> When I rounded a corner, I was almost stunned silly by the
>phaser fire of several security guards. "Nuts!" I cried as I blotted
>back around the corner to escape being stun. "Commander Chakotay,
>you're the biggest chicken not to fight your fights!" I cried around
>the corner, even though I knew I didn't saw him with the guards.
Tom: Um. . .
Crow: I'm betting late-night first draft.
> Out of a corner of my eye I noticed the word on a door just
>nearby me. It said "Armory". <"Ah ha! Fire power! Now that's more like
>it!">
Crow: If Tim Allen wrote a fanfic.
>I sent a few phaser bursts toward the guards to keep them at bay
>before I went over to the door.
> I studied the door panel and decided to take a chance. I punched
>in a code I remembered reading in a Trek technical manual.
Mike: IDKFA. . .
Crow: Mike, don't go there.
> The door
>opened for me. <"Well, well, well! Us Trek fans certainly would have an
>advantage if anyone of us ended up *living* in the Trek universe.">
Crow: No. I *refuse* to believe that even a Trek tech manual would
contain access codes to every ship in Starfleet. Not even
Trekkies are *that* anal-retentive.
Mike: You think that's bad? This guy admits to *remembering* an
access code he read in a Trek tech manual. How many times
do you have to read the manual to be able to do that?
> I entered the armory and quickly looked around. I saw a phaser
>rifle similar to the one Janeway used in "Macrocasm",
Tom: Is that a typo or the single most annoying Trek episode title
ever?
Crow: What, worse than "Datalore," "Where Silence Has Lease," or "For
the World Is Hollow and I Have Touched the Sky?"
Tom: Yes, much worse.
>so I took it to replace the phaser I had. I noticed a few photon grenades, so I
>took them too. Just I prayed I never have to use them.
Mike: Isn't this a little excessive to defend some fanfics? I mean,
don't you have them backed up on floppy or something?
> Before I went out of the room, I placed my sword inside my pant's
>belt, set the phaser to `heavy stun' and `wide dispersal',
Mike: And I set the sword to "hack 'n' slash."
> and attached
>the grenades on belt opposite of the sword.
Crow: Check it out, technology of the past and the future meeting on
the same belt. This must be some sort of deep symbolism.
Tom: More like cheap sensationalism.
>"Time to Rock'n'Roll!" I shouted.
Mike: Let's open up a can of stomparama!
Tom: Soon they'll be in a world of hurt.
Mike: Unless it goes clean through the meat.
Crow: Guys? No more Larry Hamaisms, okay? You're disturbing me.
> I burst out of the room with phaser blazing in all directions. A
>couple of guards went down but the rest bolted to cover around the
>nearest corners. I saw Lt. Tuvok with them as they retreated.
Crow: So Tuvok's presence caused them to retreat?
Tom: I can understand Neelix's presence causing that, but Tuvok?
>Eventually, I was stuck in the armory, but at least I was stuck with
>the disposal of Voyager's weaponry at my needs.
Mike: Wow! This is the biggest water pistol that I've ever seen!
> Phaser fire was exchanged for a few minutes and I saw also the
>anti-personnel force fields went up in place near the guards. Then I
>heard a voice shouted, "Cease fire!"
Mike: So, we and the Jerries ran out to no-man's land to play a quick
game of football.
>The voice was definitely female with the touch of command.
Crow: "The voice was strong and commanding, but I suspected that the
speaker was a woman. . .*all* woman."
Tom: If Piers Anthony wrote a fanfic.
> The firefight stopped and I breathed a little easier. <"Maybe
>fighting with phasers isn't easier than I thought.">
All: HUH?!
Tom: Okay, regardless of the rule against grammar riffs, I have no
idea what that means! Cripes!
> The female command voice shouted toward me. "I don't know who you
>are, but I'm Captain Janeway of the--"
> "Starship Voyager," I cut in, shouting so she could hear. "I
>*know* who you are, Captain Kathryn Janeway, so save yourself the
>introduction."
Mike: Well, okay. Tell that string section to go back to the rehearsal
hall.
Crow: I'll go stop the footage of us cruising through space.
> "My first officer told us of how you ended up here, but why are
>you fighting us?"
Tom: Well, if I beat you, then I get to take on Rocky Balboa for the
world championship.
> Her voice sounded like she didn't even *knew* what the Commander
>was trying to do. I didn't believe her. "You know very well, why I'm
>fighting. Your Indian man tried to crash my computer!
Crow: The construction worker put sugar in my gas tank, and the cowboy
tried to poison my cat!
> He told me Q sent you and Voyager here to seek revenge against the Voyager
>writers of this universe's Earth. Well, *this* writer will *not* tolerate you
>destroying my work!"
Mike: Well that was almost as stirring as that speech at the end of
"The American President."
> After a minute of silence, I heard, "We'll not harm you.
Tom: "Can we shoot him now?"
Mike: "Shhh! You'll be completely safe if you just come out here."
> I want
>to talk to you, but you have to promise not to fire at me or my
>officers if we approach you."
> I agreed with her. "I promise as long as you do the same with
>me." The Captain had guts. She was willing to try to end a conflict
>peacefully without further force. No wonder she's my favorite of the
>four Trek captains!
Tom: As we all know, Picard *never* tried to solve a problem by
talking and talking and talking and talking and. . .
[Mike hits him on the side of the head.]
Tom: Thanks. Just had a "Masterpiece Society" flashback there.
> "Agreed," the reply came.
> I lowered the barrel of my phaser as I peeked out the door.
Crow: Don't phasers have that little triangular , pointy thing at the
end, not a barrel?
Mike: This isn't rec.guns.phasers, Crow.
> There she was! Kate Mulgrew's look-alike!
Tom: Kate must be in her trailer.
> Her hair was short as I
>saw in the last new episode. Behind her stood Chakotay and Tuvok, who
>had his phaser drawn at me. Behind them, stood Paris with a medical
>kit.
Tom: Um, shouldn't Kes be there with a medical kit?
Mike: Maybe this is during the 7 of 9 fiasco.
Tom: Well, then the Doctor should be there.
Crow: And K9 and Teela too!
Mike and Tom: SHUT UP CROW!
> With a small smile and hands opened in peaceful gesture, Janeway
>spoke. "See? I'm not going to harm you."
> "Yea. Right," I said sarcastically. "Tell Tuvok to lower his
>phaser, then I'll believe you thoroughly. I have my phaser lowered,
Crow: Uh, that's none of my business.
>so he should do the same."
> Janeway looked at Tuvok and nodded. Looking at me, the Vulcan
>security officer lowered his weapon. The Captain returned to me. "Mr.
>. . .ummm-"
Mike: Unfortunately, we've already used the Bond line in this one.
Tom: It's a shame really.
> "Padovan," I answered. "George Padovan. Author of the Voyager:
>New Life series."
Crow: Vocal inflection by the William Shatner acting school.
> I saw Paris was softly muttering my name and the series title,
>obviously trying to remember my stories. I guessed he read most of the
>fan-fiction too.
Mike: Who'd've thought Paris was such a fanboy?
Tom: Oh, he probably just reads the erotica.
> "Mr. Padovan, it seems Commander Chakotay's revenge on you
>backfired," Janeway stated. "I'm not familiar with your stories so I
>have no idea what you did to him to warrant his revenge. You must had
>done something nasty to him."
> I couldn't believe Chakotay didn't tell her.
Mike: Janeway! If you just dial 10-231, you'll save on your long
distance!
Crow: Chakotay must work for Sprint.
> That coward! "I
>didn't do *anything* nasty or wrong against any of you in my stories,
>Captain. Except for one humorous story outside my series, my stories
>showed the crew of Voyager settling down for the long haul and going on
>with their lives."
Tom: [McNeil] So, we're trapped on this sixth rate network?
Crow: [Wang] Yep.
Mike: [Picardo] Not me. I'm busting out of here tonight. My agent got
me a reoccurring role on 3rd Rock. Who's coming with me?
> Paris snapped his fingers. "Of course! That's why you want
>revenge against him!" he mentioned to Chakotay. Paris' face was lit
>with amusement. "You're jealous, aren't you?" The big Indian didn't
>even answer, just glared at Paris.
Tom: And Paris was now burning.
> Janeway turned to her helmsman. "What are you talking about, Mr.
>Paris?"
> Still smiling, Paris told her what he knew. He looked like he was
>enjoying himself. "I remembered reading Mr. Padovan's stories, Captain.
>He's right that his stories don't show any kind of resentment against
>anyone on Voyager. The crew, in his stories, eventually paired off and
>started families on Voyager."
Crow: Of course, they died. The survivors decided to raise families
inside the Voyager instead.
> Voyager's Commanding Officer turned to her first officer. "I
>don't see anything wrong with that."
Crow: [Seinfeld] Not that there's anything wrong with that!
> Paris cleared his throat but still kept his grin. "I believed the
>Commander didn't like the *pairs* that Mr. Padovan had in his story
>series."
Mike: Chakotay and Mimi? What the Hell(TM)?
Crow: Ooh look. Torres is paired off with that Cheerleader from SNL.
> Chakotay moaned while Janeway turned back to Paris. I on the
>other hand was enjoying the exchange. This was more fun than watching
>any Voyager episode!
Tom: 'Course, the same thing could be said about oral surgery.
>"Elaborate, Lieutenant," she ordered.
Tom: Well see, when you're watching someone in the dentist's office. .
Mike: She wasn't talking to you, Tom.
> Still with *that* smile, the brown-blonde helmsman went on. "He
>paired B'Elanna with Harry."
> Janeway's lips twitched as she fought a smile. "I always thought
>Harry would be the best second choice for B'Elanna next to you."
> "He kept Kes with Neelix," Paris continued.
> With a shake of her head, Janeway rebuked.
Crow: I know! Maybe "George Padovan" is a pseudonym for "Neal
Mentech."
> "I still don't see Neelix with Kes."
Mike: No, Neelix should be grateful to any woman who deigns to let him
touch her. It's why Kes is with Neelix that makes zero
sense.
> Paris' eyes were on Chakotay. "Chakotay was paired with a
>beautiful lady doctor, who decided to join us. She became Voyager's
>Assistant Chief Medical Officer."
> "Well now, that's mean I stayed single, huh?" Janeway eyed me
>with a lopsided grin then Paris.
Tom: Well, I think that it was mean to keep her single, too. Everyone
should have the opportunity to have a mate, and this
*person* is denying her that chance!
> The helmsman shook his head with a chuckle. "Nope. You were paired
>off too, Captain."
> The smile faded from her face. "Who am I paired off with?"
Crow: It better not be Riker! I've had my Riker-B-Gone shots, dammit!
> She
>turned to Tuvok. Paris and I laughed, both knew that she was thinking
>of Tuvok as the likely candidate.
Tom: Who's left? The holodoc and Seven of Nine. [pause] The two most
dateable characters on the show, actually.
> "Not Tuvok, Captain," Paris told her. I saw her breathed a sigh
>of relief. "Me."
Tom: I find it interesting that only m/f pairings are considered,
while some of the other authors seem to be interested in
anything but.
Mike: Well, this is truer to the show, where homosexuality is only
dealt with by allegory and the only bi characters are the
Intendant and Dax.
Tom: Yeah, but I can't be the only one who thinks that Chakotay and
Kim are perfect for each other, can I?
> Janeway's eyes went so wide that I thought her eyes would pop
>out!
Mike: And then they did. It was really kind of disgusting.
> She spun around to Paris, who waggled his eyebrows, then to me.
>I gave a lopsided grin and gave a shrug.
Crow: He's such a giving person.
> "I always thought Tom would be the best second choice for you next to the
>Main Man."
Tom: People are trying to fix Janeway up with Lobo? Well, my
impression of Trekkies. . .
Crow: Trekkers.
Tom: Whatever. That impression has gone a bit lower.
> I pointed to Voyager's First Officer.
Crow: Therefore winning the "Where's Chakotay?" contest.
> The Captain turned to Chakotay with serious eyes, but slowly she
>stumbled to laughter. Finally, she began laughing so hard that tears
>came out of her eyes.
Mike: [Janeway] Ha ha ha. . .HIM? He's such a schmuck!
>Paris chuckled while watching Chakotay and Tuvok
>watched their Captain.
> When Janeway was able to control herself, I decided that now
>would be a good time to end this whole situation peacefully. "Captain
>Janeway, I truly admired you, your crew, and this ship.
Mike: Gee, that's how the valedictorian at my High school started his
graduation speech.
Tom: [Whispering to Crow] Mike graduated?
Crow: [Whispering to Tom] He might have been asleep under the
bleachers and heard it when he awoke from his drunken
stupor.
Mike: What are you guys whispering about?
Bots: Nothing.
> I don't want to
>fight any of you, but I clearly don't liked the idea of you or anyone
>of your crew trying to destroy my stories, which took me at lot of work
>and time to create."
> Finally sober, Janeway nodded her head. "I understand." She
>turned to Chakotay. "As I said before, it seemed your revenge had
>backfired on you, Commander." She turned back to me with a small grin.
Tom: Now, just take care of this and someday it'll be a huge smile.
> I grinned back before sobering up again. "I have several
>conditions before I hand back your weapons peacefully and you can beam
>me back to my home. One - Chakotay or any one on Voyager should desist
>from acting revenge on me. Two - Don't try to destroy my computer files
>on my computer database, like Tuvok did to Rain Robinson."
Tom: o/~ And here's to you, Rain Robinson. . .Tuvok took his vengeance
out on you. . .whoo hoo hoo. . . o/~
> Tuvok arched an eyebrow on this condition. "Three - Don't try to destroy the
>ASC archive that holds most of the Trek fan-fiction stories."
Crow: Noooooooo! Don't listen to him, Janeway! Put it out of our
misery!
> "ASC archive?" Janeway asked in confusion.
> "ASC is short for Alt.Startrek.Creative, Captain," I explained.
> "It's a newsgroup on the global computer network where Trek fans,
>who write Trek stories, poems, etc., can show their works to others. Most
>writers do it fun.
Tom: Although some are forced to do it by judges who are fond of
creative sentencing.
>After posting a creative literature on the newsgroup, it's archive so people
>could find it again. I presumed Q got the stories, he showed you, from the
>ASC archive.
Tom: Of course, only an omnipotent deity can get through on AOL these
days.
Mike+Crow: True.
> "Fourth condition - Chakotay or anyone should stop their revenge
>against my fellow Janeway/Paris writers. Chakotay had told me, he had
>destroyed my friends' databases and I want such attacks to stop.
> "Last - restore the telephone connection to my home. The
>Commander disconnected my telephone line, and I want it back so I can
>access the global computer network."
Mike: I think they still call it the "Internet" in the 24th Century,
actually.
Crow: This guy can beat Voyager's best to a standstill but he can't
plug his phone cord back into the socket?
> Janeway and her officers stared at me for a moment before she
>asked, "That's it?"
Tom: You can ask three things of a starship that can travel between
fiction and reality, and the only thing you can think of is
protecting your little stories?
> I nodded my head. "Yep, that's it.
Crow: Well, I'd like one of those "Slave Girl Leia" figures too if
you've got one to spare...
>I very much want to protect *all* my fellow Trek writers, but that would be
>asking too much. Knowing you, you probably want your revenge against
>those, who had written stories with you being tortured, blown up, etc., etc."
> The Captain gave me a lopsided grin. "Yes, you're correct that I
>wouldn't back down on my revenge against *those* particular writers."
>She straightened up and nodded her head at me. "Very well, Mr.
>Padovan. I accept your conditions."
Mike: [Janeway] Hey, wait a second, I just realized we're back on
Earth! No more series!
> "Then we're in agreement then."
Tom: "Neelix must die!"
> I smiled, took a few steps, and
>offered my hand, which she shook firmly. After we shook hands, I handed
>back the phaser rifle and the photon grenades to Tuvok, while Paris
>scanned me with a medical tricorder to be sure of my health.
Mike: Well, you've got terminal cancer, but that's not covered by your
HMO, so we'll just send you on your way.
> Janeway tapped her comm badge and ordered all security officers
>back to their posts and to cancel the force fields. Afterward, she and
>her officers escorted me to the same transporter room where I was first
>beamed onboard with the Commander.
> I stepped up on the transporter pad. "Oh, before I depart,
>Captain, can you do me a favor?"
> "What's that Mr. Padovan?"
Crow: Can you phaser Rick Berman's house? It'd really be a good thing!
> "Go *easy* when you act your revenge. You have to understand that
>we're just writers who *enjoy* writing the stories we created. After
>all, in this universe, you, your crew, and Voyager are just *fiction*."
Mike: Bad fiction, but fiction nonetheless.
> "Whether I go *easy* on the writer, depends on the writer and the
>story he or she created, Mr. Padovan."
> I nodded my head. "True. True." After a pause, I remarked, "Well,
>beam me home. Engerize."
Tom: And the Deceptigons appeared to snatch the precious Energize
crystals.
> The next thing I knew I was standing next to my computer in my
>home. I saw the tricorder, which I had knocked out of Chakotay's hand,
>was gone. I checked the phone and my computer. The phone was back to
>normal, and my database, with my stories, was still intact.
Mike: However, my Voyager remake patch for Quake was now gone. DAMN
YOU, JANEWAY! DAMN YOU TO HELL!
> Sighing, I took off my sword, placed it down, and went to the
>kitchen to have a snack. I noticed from the time that it was close for
>the next episode of Voyager to be aired.
Crow: Um, hasn't UPN been running reruns of Voyager every night? Or
does it just seem that way?
> "Well, this revenge story was fun to write up! I can't wait to
>see what feedback I'll receive about this!" I pressed the `save' button
>on my Word program and saved the story to the hard-drive. I decided to
>post the story on the ASC Tomorrow.
> "ROWWWR!"
Crow: Well, Seven of Nine must have shown up.
> I turned to the sound. "Princess?"
Tom: Puma? Puuuummmaaa?
> I shook my head and returned to my computer.
> I heard the door creaked open. "Mr. George Padovan?"
> I slowly turned my head toward that familiar voice. . .
Mike: It's Ed McMahon and Dick Clark! George won the Publisher's
Clearinghouse Sweepstakes!
Bots: Hooray!
Crow: Hopefully, he won Shirley Jackson's lottery too!
Mike: Crow! Stop that!
> The End
>***************************************************************
>***
Mike: My god. This fanfic's full of stars!
>Well? What do you think? (grin) I enjoyed writing this *silly* story
>tremendously! I appreciate feedback.
Crow: Well, some of us would appreciate it if you adjusted the
speakers a bit.
>Send it to geo...@gti.net.
>By the way, I'm still going to keep writing my New Life stories no matter
>*what*! (grin)
Crow: Oh great. Now he's threatening us!
Tom: It's time.
[The three leave the theater]
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