[MiSTied] Part 1, AMERICA UNDER SIEGE: New World Order Coup D'Etat
Melvin Harry Pollack
(Welcome to my 2nd MiSTing. This is going to be slightly longer, so
please be patient. Questions and comments should go to
mpol...@glue.umd.edu.)
Thanks....
Melvin "no sig" Pollack....
Proudly resisting .sig files since 1993.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Scene: SOC. Crow and Tom Servo are grumbling and looking over a
computer when Mike walks in.]
Mike: What's wrong, guys?
Tom: It's the new program you installed, CyberNazi.
Crow: You know. The one that's supposed to block any site closely
related to sex, violence, etc.
Mike: Guys, we've been over this before. It's for you're own protection.
Crow: Yeah, but it's only letting us access the A.S.C. archive page.
Mike: Oh. Well, I'll try to fix it later. In the mean time, I'm sure
that there are some stories that are interesting.
Tom: You mean like this one. [Points to screen]
Mike: [Reading] "Startrek Next Generation meets the three little pigs."
[Pauses] Well....
Crow: And Cybernazi won't let us look at any of the adult fanfics either.
Tom: Yeah. Thank God for small miracles.
Mike: Well, I think that your little problem will have to wait. Tevye
and Chava are calling.
[D13]
Dr F.: Good evening, Motl. Hope that your enjoying the new CyberNazi
program. I thought it was really interesting that it guaranteed
to keep employees focused on work. Do you have a new invention?
[SOL]
Mike: Good news. I've just developed a system to make us so rich that we
won't need to do these experiments. Crow, would you go get them?
[Crow exits.]
Mike: You see, sirs, we've just figured out a way to make the net go at a
quick speed, regardless of what time it is. Right now, they have
to be refrigerated, but we should have the coolant system ready
soon.
[Tom faces the screen. A close up shows a look of discomfort.]
Mike: Anyway, the system uses supercooled EEPROMS which, when linked up to
a modem or Ethernet card.
Crow: Mike. The chips are gone!
Mike: That's ridiculous. Who could have taken them?
Tom: Burp.
Mike: Tom!
Tom: Hey, I thought they were wheat thins.
Crow: You ate the superchips?
Mike: Tom, that was our ticket out of here. One of the greatest
discoveries, a system that could have made us rich, and you ate
it. What do you have to say for yourself.
Tom: Personally, I think that they could have used a little more salt.
[D13]
[Frank is hooked up to a mangled virtual reality system. Dr. F. is at a
nearby control panel]
Dr. F: We got this idea from a DS9 episode, in which O'Brien is forced to
experience a 20 year jail sentence over the process of a mere three
hours. It's a nice idea, but we decided to develop something even
more torturous. Ready, Frank?
Frank: Ready.
[Dr. F presses a button. Immediately, Frank starts screaming.]
Dr. F: This device forces someone to experience all the pain and torture
of getting an Engineering degree. At present, we have it set to
show only the lectures....
[Dr. F starts turning a knob while he is talking. Each click of the knob
causes Frank to scream louder.]
Dr. F: ....but I can add discussions, quizes, homework, tests, and the
final exam. [When Dr. F reaches finals, Frank faints.] I
considered adding a social life add on as well, but I wanted to
show only what a real engineer experiences.
[SOL]
Bots: Oh, that's awful. No human should have to go through that.
Mike: Come on, guys. Engineering students go through that all the time.
Crow: Yeah, but none of them are human.
[D13]
Dr. F: Anyway, your mission is to view the political views of our old
friend, John Dinardo, and a response from a guy named Libertarius. But
first, why don't you enjoy a wonderful rant that is completely
indecipherable. Have fun.
[SOL]
Mike: We've got posting sign.....
[6....5....4....3....2....1....]
>
> Date: Fri, 16 Aug 1996 18:56:36
Crow: I still can't believe that you ate the invention.
Tom: Oh, bite me.
Crow: Hey! That's my line!
> From: "Stavros N. Karageorgis" <kara...@ucla.edu>
Tom: Feed me. I'm Stavring.
Crow: [female voice] Why Kara, you look georgis!
Mike: Look, it's Karageor. One of the greatest Klingon heroes....
Bots: Fan boy! Fan boy!
> Newsgroups: alt.anarchism, alt.society.anarchy, talk.politics.theory,
> talk.politics.misc, alt.politics.radical-left, alt.politics.libertarian,
> talk.politics.libertarian, alt.individualism
> Subject: Inalienable rights: what does that mean in practice?
Crow: It means that you should be allowed to kidnap whomever....
Mike: No, that's alien rights.
Crow: Oh, sorry.
>
> Human rights are said to be 'inalienable', in the classical Liberal
> tradition.
Tom: I guess he's including Mozart in that.
> In the U.S. context, 'life, liberty, and the pursuit of
> happiness' are said to
> be 'unalienable' rights that belong to human beings ex hypothesi.
Mike: As opposed to my ex girlfriend.
>
> Now, inalienable means 'cannot be taken away', (forcibly) alienated. Yet, it
> also means not 'alienable' by the
Crow: evil Cardassians.
> (adult) human being (the 'chooser', not the
> 'learner')
Tom: I take it, you can't be both.
Mike: The writer of this post sure couldn't.
> voluntarily. Are any restrictions to the VOLUNTARY 'alienation' of
> individual human rights 'kosher'
Crow: Well, the rights have to be killed correctly.
Mike: And the restrictions have to be applied be a certified rabbi.
Tom: I thought Jews weren't allowed to be net loons.
> in the anarcho-capitalist and minarchist
Tom: Isn't minarchist supposed to be a superhero.
Crow: Minorchist, champion of youths everywhere.
Mike: Relax, he just made those words up to annoy us.
> schools of thought?
Crow: Insert your own joke here. This is too easy for us.
>
> Regards,
>
> SNK
Crow: You're watching SNicK on Nickelodeon.
> "Oh, the comfort, the inexpressible comfort of
Tom: going insane and writing stupid posts.
> feeling safe with a person;
> having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but to pour them all
> out, just as they are,
Mike: [Julia Child] Now pour the words slowly...
> chaff and grain together, knowing that a faithful
> hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then, with
> the breath of kindness, blow the rest away." T.S. Eliot
Tom: Spoken like a guy who never dated.
Crow: I once made a wrong remark to my girlfriend, and she tried to blow
me away.
Mike: I've heard your wrong remarks. I can't blame her.
Crow: Hey!
>
> Stavros N. Karageorgis
> E-mail: kara...@ucla.edu
>
>
Tom: Actually, that wasn't too bad.
Crow: No, it wasn't. I mean, it twisted the English language and had no
point whatsoever, but it wasn't as bad as it could have been. I
think the Mads are lowering their standards.
Mike: I hope you're right. Here comes the main feature.
>
> Date: 18 Aug 1996 05:09:16 GMT
> From: Libertarius <att...@ix.netcom.com>
Crow: Hey, it's Attilla the One.
All: [Singing] We're number one, second to Huns....
> Newsgroups: alt.conspiracy, alt.activism, alt.society.civil-liberty,
> alt.individualism, talk.politics.misc, misc.headlines, soc.rights.human,
> alt.censorship, alt.journalism, talk.politics.guns,
> alt.politics.radical-left, soc.veterans, alt.politics.libertarian,
> talk.politics.guns, talk.politics.guns,
Tom: alt.politics.redundancy.redundancy
> talk, religion, misc
> Subject: Re: Part 1, AMERICA UNDER SIEGE: New World Order Coup D'Etat
Mike: Coop D'Etat. Isn't he the Cardassian who....
Bots: Fan booooooy!
>
> In <4v4bae$j...@news.cic.net> j...@etext.org (John DiNardo) writes:
> >
> > ____ ____
> > --____ ____---- ----____ ____---- ----____ ____--
> > ---- ---- ----
> > T H E P E O P L E'S S P E L L B R E A K E R
> > ____ ____ ____
> > __---- ----____ ____---- ----____ ____---- ----__
> > ---- ----
> > News They Never Told You .... News They'll Never Tell You
> >
Crow: News we hoped they'd never tell us.
Tom: Who's this "They" anyhow?
Mike: He's a guy I went to high school with.
> > DATE: _________ __, ____ PRICE: __ CENTS
Tom: They just told you the date.
> >
> >
> > THE NEWSPAPER FOR THE PEOPLE OF
> > WISCONSIN
Crow: For that discriminating pallette. Nothing but the finest cheese.
> >
> >
> > * * * * * MORNING EDITION * * * * *
> >
> >
> > EDITOR: John DiNardo
> >
> >
> > The following is transcribed from the documentary video,
> > AMERICA UNDER SIEGE, produced and distributed by:
Tom: Aliens from another planet.
> > American Justice Federation
Tom: I was right.
> > 3850 So. Emerson Ave., Suite E,
> > Indianapolis, INdiana 46203
> > (317) 780-5200
> >
> > Part 1, AMERICA UNDER SIEGE: The New World Order Coup D'Etat
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Crow: Those worms must be Couping him busy.
> >
> >OPENING:
> >
> > THEME SONG MONTAGE
Tom: A THEME SONG! THEY'VE GOT A THEME SONG!
Crow: I'm not sure I can think of anything worse than a net loon theme
song.
Mike: How about a Marissa Picard theme song?
All: AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!
> >////////////////////////// \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
> >
> >"This is my country" soaring eagle
Mike: You know. I think I've heard this song before?
Tom: You don't think they've been plagarizing, do you?
Crow: Why not? We all know that Copyrights repress personal liberty.
> >
> > "Land of my birth" American Indian on horseback
> >
> >"This is my country" galloping herd of buffalo
> >
> > "Grandest on Earth" snow-capped mountain peaks, trailing
> > away in the view of an overflying
> > plane
Tom: Uh, Mike. How does a mountain peak trail away?
Crow: Yeah. And why would it run away from an airplane?
Mike: Hush, don't think. It'll just make your brains hurt.
> >
> >"I pledge thee my allegiance" American Flag, rippling in the wind
Crow: Rippling American Flag potato chips.
> >
> > "America the bold" historical footage of shipboard
> > immigrants
> >
> >"For this is my country" Statue of Liberty, trailing away
> > in the view of an overflying plane
Tom: The Statue of Liberty is also trailing away from this plane?
Crow: What's on that plane, anyway?
Mike: Maybe John Dinardo is on board.
Bots: Oh. [Start trailing away in the view of an overflying plane.]
> >
> > "To have and to hold"
Mike: Crow, not a word.
> > Babe Ruth batting a home run and
> > rounding the bases
Crow: But the bases aren't supposed to be round.
Tom: Crow, if you hit a home run, you can do anything you want.
Mike: Just look at our current baseball players for proof.
> >
> >. . . . . . . . . . . . .
> >
Mike: This is so stupid. Mike looks at watch.
Tom: I agree with you. Tom rolls his eyes.
Mike: This is so stupid. Mike makes a face.
Crow: I want to sp...
Mike: Crow!!!
Crow: What?
> >"This is my country" World War II: U.S. troops in
> > landing craft,
> > making an amphibious assault
Tom: [General's voice.] All right men. Today, we're attacking those
damn frogs.
Crow: [same voice] I want you to make them croak.
Mike: Was there anyone in the audience who wasn't suspecting that? I
didn't think so.
> >
> > "Land of my choice" Martin Luther King, passionately
> > speaking
> > before throngs at the Washington
> > Monument
Crow: He protested for bikini rights, too?
> >
> >"This is my country" Malcolm X addressing an audience
> >
Mike: [Malcolm X] All right, this audience member is at 302 Mowatt
Lane.
> > "Hear my proud voice" the streets of a New York City ethnic
> > neighborhood
Tom: The following quip has been cancelled to avoid being accused of
racist thoughts.
> >
> > Viet Nam War: a U.S. soldier
> > dragging his
> > wounded buddy to safety
Crow: Hey, where's the rest of the song?
Mike: I guess they don't know it.
Tom: Heh, heh. Some patriots.
> >
> > the inscription on the Lincoln
> > Memorial:
> > "We hold these truths to be
> > self-evident"
Tom: [Honest Abe] That these guys are nuts.
Mike: Oh, I don't know. It's still not as bad as the subliminal
messages post.
> >
> > / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / /
> >
> >LINDA THOMPSON:
> >This IS a beautiful and wonderful country. Or maybe I should say,
> >"it was," before it was taken over
Crow: by Modern Artists.
> > by murderers, liars and thieves.
> >Yes, we do have a crime problem, and our biggest crime problems
> >are the people running this Government.
Tom: Yes, well they have to murder in order to ... HUH?
> > Strong language? Yes!
> >And I'm prepared to back it up with proof.
Crow: A poster with proof. That's a first.
Tom: What proof could they have, anyway?
Mike: Clinton. Gingrich. Dole. Da'Amato....
Bots: Like targeting fish in a barrel.
> >
> >Right now, though, I want to take a little time to explain who
> >I am, why I made this videotape, and why you need to see it.
Mike: [Linda] I'm a nut who felt that I could sell a videotape like
this, and people would actually buy it and make me rich.
> >
> >My name is Linda Thompson. I'm chairman of the American Justice
> >Federation. I'm a U.S. Army veteran, and when I was in the Army,
> >from 1974 to 1978,
Tom: [Linda] I met Jimmy Carter.
Crow: That would make anyone anti-government and nuts.
> > I worked first in the Military History
> >Detachment,
Crow: Where I became detached from all historical facts.
> > and then for the commanding general of Allied Forces,
> >Central Europe at N.A.T.O. Headquarters. In that capacity,
> >I revised the N.A.T.O. war plans manuals.
Tom: Before then, they didn't have a section on shooting your opponent.
> > I also served in the
> >Army Reserve afterwards, as a training assistant, until 1985.
> >During that time, I was a secretary,
Mike: Quite an accomplishment.
> > a homemaker,
Tom: Just let me pound in this last nail, and your home will be ready.
> > and mother
> >of three boys.
Crow: This has nothing to do with my post. But then, neither did
anything else in this paragraph.
> > I'm an attorney. I have a doctorate in law,
> >and a few other degrees of relative insignificance.
Crow: Oh, like that's stopped you from mentioning them before.
Tom: If she didn't mention them, do you think they're degrees like
English Literature?
Mike: Why not? She's slightly more coherent than your average net loon.
[Pause.] I think I just answered my own question.
> > I'm married
> >to Al,
All: Mazel Tov!
> > who is a man of the highest character
Tom: He's an apartment window washer?
> > (other than his
> >mom and dad)
Crow: Kissing up to the in - laws? That's disgusting.
> > I've ever had the honor to know. We have three
> >sons,
Mike: You just said that.
Crow: [Linda] Yeah, but they make me so proud.
> > and we live in a nice, fairly ordinary home outside of
> >Indianapolis. Al is the president of American Justice
> >Federation, and the engineer in charge of our AEN Radio and
> >Computer News Network.
> >
> >As an attorney, I took a special interest in
Tom: making as much money as possible.
> > cases where
> >Government agents abuse their positions of trust. In fact,
> >the main reason I went to law school was because I wanted
> >to make a lasting contribution to preserving this great
> >country.
All: [Fall out of their seats, laughing.]
Tom: Oh, that's a good one.
Crow: A lawyer making a great contribution. Oh, what a sense of humor.
> > I believed then -- though I don't now --
> >that I could best do this through the courts.
Mike: [Laura] I also believed that the tooth fairy existed, and that
Newt Gingrich was a nice man.
> >
> >I started the American Justice Federation because I had seen
> >so many people who were forced to simply surrender their
> >dignity, and resign themselves to the fact that
Crow: they were a bunch of paranoid morons.
> > the
> >humiliation and injury they had suffered at the hands of
> >the Government would simply go unpunished.
Tom: What are they talking about?
Mike: The Republican Contract with America, probably.
Crow: And they won't be punished for it? What sort of sick joke is
this?
> >
> >
> ////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
> > SCENE: a Black mother, overwhelmed by grief, sobbing uncontrollably ...
Tom: [Black mother] Oh my God. I've wound up in a net loon posting.
Crow: [Black mother] Oh the shame.
> >
> > "They beat my child to death! They beat him to death, like a dog!
> > Just as a dog, they beat him to death!
> > They beat him in the head ....."
> > //////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
Tom: Are we allowed to riff that paragraph.
Mike: It might be construed as politically incorrect and in bad taste.
We should just let it go.
Crow: Because it might be in bad taste? That's never stopped us before.
> >
> >I believed then (and again, I don't now)
Crow: [as Linda] that I am sane.
Mike: I think she still believes that.
> > that if a few people
> >here were to fight back, through the courts, the abuse
> >would stop or, at least,
Tom: The viewers would have a lot more fun.
> > be slowed down.
Crow: Abuse has a speed limit?
Mike: They'd have to beat people in slow motion.
Tom: Hiiiiiiiiiiiiii - yyyyyaaaaaaaaaaaaa.
> >
> >In 1987, Al and I began a computer bulletin board service [BBS],
> >networking it with other computers across the country. In 1991,
> >we decided to focus the efforts of the network on linking
> >people across the country to share information that was not being
> >reported on the national news.
Tom: Like who Madonna is currently sleeping with.
Mike: Uh, Tom. That *is* being reported on the national news.
> >
> >I began to realize that the mass media was INTENTIONALLY not
> >covering these stories.
Crow: Obviously due to a conspiracy involving politicians and aliens.
Mike: Uh, Crow. That's a bit redundant.
Tom: In a nitpicking mood today, aren't we Mike?
> > And I soon realized that cases --
> >where people were savagely beaten, shot or killed by Federal law
> >enforcement agents and local police -- were NOT isolated events.
Tom: So, let me get this straight. Linda is trying to tell us that the
police are beating up people for no apparent reason.
Mike: I think that's what they're saying.
Crow: Maybe she's only referring to the L.A. area.
Mike: No way. She should include Prince George's County as well.
> >We just weren't being told about them.
> > ~~ TO BE CONTINUED ~~
Crow: ~~on the next exciting adventure of SUPERLOON~~
Tom: ~~Same loon time, same loon channel.~~
Mike: How do you do that?
> >* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Crow: Augh, I'm hit. I'm seeing stars.
> >
> > To receive an episode of these many series in your e-mail box
> > each weekday, just send an e-mail message with the word
Tom: Abracadabra.
Mike: This magic word makes the postings disappear.
Tom: We hope.
> > "SUBSCRIBE" in the "Subject" line, to j...@locust.cic.net .
All: [Singing] Now listen to a story 'bout a man named Jad.
> >
> > I urge you to post the episodes of this ongoing series to other
> > newsgroups, networks, computer bulletin boards and mailing lists.
All: [Still singing.] He had to boast these stupid posts to keep his
fam'ly fed.
> > It is also important to post hardcopies on the bulletin boards
> > in campus halls, churches, supermarkets, laundromats, etc. --
All: He realized that some readers can be stupid as a bean....
> > any place where concerned citizens can read this vital information.
All: ... so he posted these dumb postings, and he kept the info lean.
> > Our people's need for Paul Reveres and Ben Franklins is as
> > urgent today as it was 220 years ago.
Mike [Keeping with Beverly Hillbillies routine]: Non existent, that is.
Tom [Ditto]: No proof allowed.
> >
> > John DiNardo j...@locust.cic.net
Crow: You all come back now, ya hear.
> >
> /////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
> >| If we seriously listen to this God within us [conscience, if you will], |
Crow: Oh, no. Not this sig file again!
Mike: Hang on. Just a few more seconds.
> >| we usually find ourselves being urged to take the more difficult path, |
> >| the path of more effort rather than less. |
> >| .... Each and every one of us, more or less frequently, will hold |
> >| back from this work .... Like every one of our ancestors before us, |
> >| we are all lazy. So original sin does exist; it is our laziness. |
> >| |
> >| M. Scott Peck |
> >|
Bots: Whew. We made it.
Mike: Not quite. Here comes the response.
Bots: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!
> Would you believe the only alternative to Clintone-Dole is Ross
> Perot?
Tom: Isn't he running for Grand Nagus?
Mike: Come on, Tom. Just because he's short with big ears and an
interest only in making money and power doesn't make him a Ferengi.
> No?
Mike: Okay, it might.
> Then you must be aware of the only REAL reform candidate:
> Harry Browne, who will (1) Balance the budget the first year, (2) Pay
> off the national debt, (3) Abolish the income tax/IRS, and (4)
Crow: Mike, how are we supposed to pay off the National Dept if we don't
collect taxes?
Tom: Yeah, and how are we supposed to keep programs that we desperately
need?
Crow: And what about the major recession that a quick budget cut will
cause?
Mike: Hush, guys. This is a political post. Try not to use logic.
> return
> the government to its Constitutional function of being a manageable,
> responsive and responsible agent of the states.
> ===================
Tom: so that the states can return to slavery.
Crow: [Southern voice.] Naw, we just want to secede. That's all.
>
> Let us give America a chance: Let us all get out and Vote
> Libertarian! This is what Harry Browne says:
>
[Rest of post cut.]
All: Huh? What's going on?
Magic Voice: Warning. CyberNazi has detected a post that calls for
someone other than Dr. Forrester to be elected President. The
computer is now in the process of deleting the post. Please
leave the theater immediately.
Bots: We're saved.
Mike: Come on. Let's get out of here.
[1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6...]
Mike: Come on guys, it wasn't that bad.
Tom: It was definitely better than the subliminal messages post.
Crow: The main problem was the theme song. So we're going to change it.
Tom: Gypsy will sing; Crow and I will do the montage. And we've changed
the lyrics to better fit the post. Hit it.
THEME MONTAGE
"I am so terrific." Mike shakes his head. The bots
start weaving back and forth.
"This much I know." Crow places a toy box on the
table. Tom reaches in.
"I am so teffific." Tom takes out an airplane. Crow
trails away after seeing it.
"And critics blow." The bots start blowing bubbles.
"For I am an attorney." Tom starts addressing the
bubbles.
"Who knows how Government is cruel." Crow starts popping the bubbles
with a snow capped mountaintop.
"And I am so terrific." Crow and Tom fight over the box.
"So don't lose your cool." Crow and Tom leave.
//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
"I am so terrific." Tom comes back in a buffalo suit.
"And we're all plain." Crow comes in a frog suit.
"And you should know by know." Tom attacks crow in an amphibious
assault.
"That we're insane." Mike runs in and stops the fight.
Mike: Well, I think we've finally gone off the deep end. What do you
think, sirs?
[D13. Frank is on the phone. Dr. F is groaning.]
Frank: So you're saying that you'll pay me 35 grand a year in starting
salary?
Dr. F: [Groans.]
Frank: [Speaking to F.] Isn't this great. Ever since I went through
the Engineering Simulation torture device, a dozen companies have
offered me positions with salaries over 30,000 dollars.
Dr. F: Just push the button, Frank.
[Whoosh.]
Frank: What was the name of your company again? 2nd Banana Heaven?
Well, let me think it over....
[Fade out and credits.]
Mystery Science Theater 3000 and all related characters are copyright
1994 by Best Brains inc. No infringement on copyrights is inferred.
Best Brains has no knowledge about this post, and is not affiliated in
any way.
This post is Copyright 1997 by Melvin Pollack and may only be used for
entertainment purposes. I apologize for any part that may offend any
way, and assure the readers that it was unintentional. I also
appologize for any violation of copyright or trademark rules.