[MiSTied] Mars Invades DC 1/3
Claye Hodge
with a couple shorts you might have seen on rec.arts.tv.mst3k.. Here's my
e-mail address: crh...@delphi.com .. and there will be no smoking in the
theater. ENJOY!
---------------------
[Beginning Theme]
[@...2...3...4...5...6...{}...]
[SOL]
[Tom is lying on the desk. Mike is tinkering with him. Gypsy walks in.]
GYPSY: Hi Mike, whatchya doing?
TOM:[casual] Help me.
MIKE: Oh. Hi Gypsy, you remember that cartoon that used to be on TV, called
Transformers?
GYPSY: Uhhh, yeah.
MIKE: And the characters were robots, but they could change into all sorts
of stuff.. Cars.. Trucks.. Airplanes.. etc...
GYPSY: Uh huh.
MIKE: Well, since I have a couple of robots here. I'd try that theory out
to see what it would be like to have robots that did that kind of
stuff. Here's what Tom does...
TOM:[same] No. Mike, don't. Somebody stop him.
MIKE: Well you take off his head. [Mike picks up Tom, and takes Tom's head
off, but leaving the mouth part of the head on.] Then you connect this
plastic bag to where his head was. [Connects the bag.] Then you pull
apart the connection of his hoverskirt to his body. [Mike seperates
the hoverskirt from Tom's body revealing a tube connecting the
hoverskirt to his body.] I call it the Servo Suck-Up. Would you mind
helping me with a demonstration?
GYPSY: Ok.
MIKE: You see, it's a vacum. So, any dirt or trash you may have lying around
the house OR Satellite, will be a sinch to clean up. Trash please.
[Gypsy leans forward behind the desk. She makes a barfing-like noise. She
raises up.]
MIKE: Thank you. And you just turn the Servo Suck-Up on... [flips a switch.]
and all of your troubles are gone. [The bag is starting to fill up.]
TOM: Ohhh, I'm getting such a headache. I feel like my head is going to
explode. [Mike flips the switch again.]
MIKE: I also have thes add ons you can use with it. [Takes something from
behind the desk and jams it in Servo's hoverskirt.]
TOM: YEEEOOOOOOWWWWWWHOOHOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
MIKE: You can have double the cleaning power.
[Commercial sign light flashes.]
[Mike puts Servo down on the desk.]
MIKE: And here is.. [Picks up Crow from behind the desk. He is facing up and
his headpiece is backwards as if it could shade his eys.. His arms
are situated behind him. The rest of his body is straight.] what
I call the Crow Crap Collecter.
CROW: Ohhh, I'm going to be SICK.
MIKE: It's basically a refitted Pooper Scooper... Here, I'll show ya.
[Mike taps commercial sign light.]
CROW: Oh, PLEASE! NOOO!!! [Crow makes sounds like he's going to be sick.]
[Commercials]
[SOL]
[Everything is back to normal. Crow is coughing stuff up.]
CROW: Cough Cough Cough...
TOM: Mike, I hope you never try that sort of thing again.
MIKE: Ok, ok.. I'm SORRY. I didn't know it would have that much of an effect
on you two. [Mads Light flashes.] Oh look, Ren and Stimpy are calling.
[Mike taps Mads light.]
CROW:[raspy] YOU EEDIOT!!!
[D13]
DR.F: Hello, Mitchell.. Frank and I were cleaning out the basement and we
found this old invention in the corner that we have never used before.
It's a game called "What TV Character Am I". You put on a costume of
someone thats on TV and the costume is accompanied with a card,
listing several hints of your character. And you try to guess who you
are. I sent you a few costumes so we can try a round or two. We'll
go first. Frank, are you ready?
FRANK:[off screen] Yes.. can we just get on with this???
DR.F: Ok Frank. Our category is educational TV [Frank comes on screen. Dr. F
goes off-screen. Frank is dressed in a big purple outfit, with a tail
and a dinosaur head.]
FRANK: Ok.. [reading] I'm a big dinosaur.. I LOVE kids and I like to sing
and play.. Who am I? [Stops reading.] Well, I HAVE to be that big,
loveable, cute, stupid, and overly annoying Jurrasic Park reject
that every child adores. I'm Barney the Dinosaur. Big deal.. Now can
I get this costume off? It itches.
DR.F:[Off-screen and annoyed] YES. [Frank walks off screen and Dr. F walks
on screen. Dr. F is basically in the same outfit. Light green lab coat,
but no Deep 13 logo. He isn't wearing his glasses, or his tie. He IS
wearing a black wig, that has the same mad scientist concept.] Ok..
[looks at card.] I know everything there is to science. I am
intelligent, and I have a TV show on The Learning Channel.. Who am I?
[Stops reading.] Hmmm.. Well, I'm at a loss here. [The door to Deep 13
opens.. and a guy wearing a rat costume {covering the body and legs,
we can see tee-shirt sleeves poking out of the costume, the mask has
big droopy ears. It doesn't hide the face. A mouse snout is covering
the nose. (**AUTHORS NOTE- Hey kids! That's Kevin Murphy playing THIS
character!**) with his tail hanging over his shoulder}, walks towards
the screen. He raises his hand as if he's going to say something..
Pauses.. then shakes his head and walks back out of Deep 13.]
DR.F:[confused] Uhhh.. Your turn!
[SOL]
[Crow is in a pink waitress outfit, with a black wig. Tom is wearing a white
curly wig, glasses, and a dress. Mike is wearing a big red wig, and tight
spandex.]
TOM: Oh come on! Do we have to wear these dresses? I feel ridiculous!
MIKE: Of course. That's the idea, but if we play along with Dr. Forrester
he may go easy on us this week.
CROW: You DO look cute, Tom.
TOM: Oh SHUT UP!
MIKE: Ahem. Well, our category is funny females.. I'll go first. I have
two kids, a dog, and something that you COULD call, a husband. I
don't work, cook, or clean. I do eat Bon-Bons and watch Oprah. Who
am I? Hmm.. Peg Bundy. Crow, your next.
CROW: I am a waitress. I have a squeaky voice. I am VERY Klutzy. Who am I?
Uhhh... Kathy Ireland?
MIKE: Kathy Ireland isn't a waitress and she's taken voice lessons since
_Alien from LA_.
CROW: Oh.. Well, I guess I am Vira, from Alice. Next.
TOM: Ok.. I am very, very, very, very, VERY old. I had one TV series about
myself, and three other girls.. The show died. We tried to do another
show on CBS, it too, died. Who am I? Hmmm... Uhhh... I am really
stumped on this one guys. Any guesses? [Mike leans over to Tom, and
whispers something to him.]
TOM:[shocked] ESTELLE GETTY????? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!
[Tom hurries off-screen.]
MIKE: Well, whaddya think, Sirs?
TOM:[off-screen] NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!
[D13]
[Dr. F is adjusting his tie.]
DR.F: Ah Mike, your experiment this week is called "The Day Mars Invaded
D.C.". It was posted on alt.slack by ATLANFORM who probably has his
own _Plan 9 From Outer Space_ fan group... and to numb the pain
ATLANFORM will dish out, are a couple of shorts that were cross-
posted. Enjoy, Mulder and Scully! [Dr. F pushes the button.]
[SOL]
[Lights flashing, sounds buzzing, etc..]
ALL: AHHHHH!!! WE'VE GOT X-FILES.CREATIVE FODDER SIIIIIIIIIIIGGGGGGGN!!!!
[{}...6...5...4...3...2...@...]
[Mike and the bots enter the theater. Mike puts Tom who's still wearing the
wig, down.]
TOM: Mike, would you PLEASE take this wig off of me and get RID of it???
MIKE: Sure. [Mike takes Tom's wig off and throws it to the other side of the
theater.]
CROW: Tom, you really looked gorgeous in that wig.
TOM: That's it. LET ME AT HIM!!! [Tom tries to go towards Crow, but Mike
keeps them seperated.]
MIKE: Ok guys, that's enough. Settle down.. The post is about to start.
>
>*************************************************************************
CROW: An ASCII Caterpillar?
>
> CABLE TV DESCRAMBLING !
ALL: AAAH!!!
>
>Insider's information on all types of systems....
TOM: Even a UNIX?
> Own a"Descrambler" for
>as little as $39.00.... "Everything The Cable Companies Don't Want You To
>Know!"...
MIKE: Oh, like that the Cable Company can subscribe to more channels than
what they say they can?
> Is a complete cable hacker's manual... Topics covered include:
CROW: Llama's...
TOM: Coke or Pepsi...
MIKE: Highlander 2...
TOM: Bacon, bacon, bacon...
CROW: Duke and Virginia...
MIKE: You guys.. These aren't topics about Cable Descrambling.
CROW: Who's better.. Joel or Mike...
MIKE: HEY!
TOM: COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT! COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT!
>
>
>* Where to buy parts & equipment
MIKE: Weeeell. Here at Uncle Joe's Electronics Barn.. I can get ya anything
you need, for HALF the price!
> * How to select the correct equipment &
>solve compatibility problems
TOM: Should I use an AC or DC Switch?
CROW: What's the difference between PAL and NTSC?
> * How to build your own "Descrambler" *
TOM:[singing] The input wire is connected to the.. output wire...
>Turn-on test chips
CROW: OoOoOoOHHHhhhh WooOOOOOOoooww!!!
MIKE: Uh, Crow. I DON'T think that is what he means.
> & instructions every kind * Wholesale & retail sources
MIKE: Remember, at Uncle Joe's Electronics Barn... We treat YOU like family!
>of commercially made "Descramblers" * Cable filtering devices * Insider's
>information on the latest cable technology * Legal issues * How to become
>a dealer * Profitable part-time business opportunities * Plus much more
>in this easy-to-follow informative manual.....
TOM: HEY! This is written in Japanese! DOH!
>
>
>This manual is a must !!! Guaranteed to save you at least $100.00 on the
>purchase of a box, or your money back !
CROW: Oh, like I would really pay 100 dollars for a plain old BOX???
>
>
>
>Send $18.99 Plus $3.00 shipping and handling to:
TOM: Descramblers R' Us.
>
>
> Tronics Cable Systems
> 350 Ward Ave. #106
> Honolulu, HI. 96814
MIKE:[singing] Hawaiian EYE!
>
> E-mail tro...@aloha.com
TOM: No thanks.
[Commercials]
>
>***************************************************************************
>
CROW: HEY, It's the little, fuzzy ASCII Caterpillar!! Hi, little buddy!
>
>
>
>Newsflag: rec.arts.tv.mst3k
>Newsgroups: rec.arts.tv.mst3k
ALL: YAAAAAY!!!
>From: an17...@anon.penet.fi
ALL: BOOOOOOOOO!!!
>X-Anonymously-To: rec.arts.tv.mst3k
>Organization: Anonymous contact service
>Reply-To: an17...@anon.penet.fi
TOM: I bet he'd like a dose of Quick Cash, or Make Money Fast.
MIKE: Well, the only problem with that is, they might have those in their
killfiles, or spam alerts.
>Date: Sun, 5 Mar 1995 00:30:33 UTC
>Subject: ===>> FREE 1 yr. Magazine Sub sent worldwide- 300+ Popular USA
>Titles
CROW: Got any Sports Illustrated?
MIKE: Popular Mechanics?
TOM: Good Houskeeping?
MIKE & CROW: HUH???
TOM: Nevermind.
>Lines: 246
>
TOM: Eight! Who do we appreciate? [effortlessly] Ha ha haaaaaa...
>
>CHEAPEST USA MAG SUB AGENCY - SHIPS WORLDWIDE + FREE 1yrSUB
MIKE: YOU DON'T HAVE TO YELL!!!
>
>THIS IS BEING POSTED AS AN INFORMATION SERVICE TO INFORM PEOPLE OF THE
>AVAILABLITY OF THIS INFORMATIONAL RESOURCE:
CROW: HOW ABOUT HEARING LOSS???
MIKE: WHAT???
CROW: HEARING LOSS!
TOM: SHEARING FLOSS???
CROW: NO, HEARING LOSS!
MIKE: ALBATROSS???
CROW: NO! HEARING LOSS!!!
> MAGAZINE SUBSCRIPTIONS. I
>OBTAIN NO BENEFIT FROM POSTING THIS MESSAGE OTHER THAN THE SATISFACTION OF
TOM: Spamming this newsgroup.
>HELPING OTHERS SAVE MONEY AND DIRECTING THEM TO A USEFUL CLUB.
CROW: Oh, yeah right. SURE!
>
>Hi, my name is Nicky Alistair
TOM: Cooke, and on the next Masterpiece Theater...
> and I recently started using a magazine
>subscription club in the USA that has a FREE 1 yr. magazine subscription
>deal with your first paid order- and I have been very pleased with them.
MIKE:[Alistair] You see, I subscribe to the magazine of my choice for a
year and let them pay for it, then I cancel the subscription. Why, you
may ask? Because I'm cheap!
>
>They will send you some FREE info.
CROW: Of course, she didn't say whether it was IMPORTANT info.
> via E-mail (the short version (around
>40K) of their catalogue,
TOM: That's SHORT?
> or if you request it the DELUXE LONG VERSION
>(around 400K-big and juicey) !)...if you fill out the form below.
CROW: 400K???
ALL: ACK!!!
>
>
>*------------cut here-----------------------------------------------*
MIKE: I wish they DID cut the post at that line.
>REQUEST FOR MORE INFO: please copy this section *only* and email to:
> na17...@anon.penet.fi
>
>(sorry, but we cannot acknowledge incomplete forms sent back)
CROW: But we will use the forms to send you garbage mail.
>
>Name:
>Internet email address:
CROW: cr...@bite.me.com
MIKE: I think that address is taken.
>Smail home address:
>City-State-Zip:
>Country:
TOM: Oh, like I'm REALLY that stupid?
>Work Tel. #:
>Work Fax #:
>Home Tel. #:
>Home Fax #:
MIKE: Who would give their Work and Home telephone numbers out???
CROW: Nicky.
>Name of USA mags you currently get:
>Name of USA mags you would like price quotes on when we call you:
TOM:[Alistair] Name of USA mags you would like to shove down my throat.
>Do you want the short (~40K) or long version (~400K) of our
>catalogue emailed to you?:
CROW:[Alistair] Oh, why ask? We'll send BOTH to you, ANYWAY.
>How did you hear about us (name of person who referred you or the area of
MIKE: Some nut who used an...@penet.whatever to post it, because they didn't
want their E-mail address bombarded with flames.
>the
>internet that you saw us mentioned in): Nicky Alistair
>030495
TOM: You suppose this Nicky Alistair is really the anonymous person who
posted this stuff on rec.arts.tv.mst3k?
MIKE: It's possible.
>*------------cut here-----------------------------------------------*
CROW: I wish they had cut it at the beginning of the Cable TV Descrambling
post.
MIKE: And on that note. Let's get out of here. [Mike picks up Tom and all
three leave the theater.]
[Commercials]
Claye Hodge
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