MSTed: The Warners Face the Music!
Troy N. Diggs
To: MX%"alt.tv.g...@undergrad.math.uwaterloo.ca",MX%"alt.tv.a...@undergrad.math.uwaterloo.ca",MX%"alt.tv...@undergrad.math.uwaterloo.ca",MX%"rec.arts.tv...@undergrad.math.uwaterloo.ca"
CC: TD5584
Subj: MSTed: The Warners Face the Music!
Please note, ya'll...
I'm assuming you all know what MST3K, Face the Music, and The
Animaniacs are, if not, I suggest reading one of the other
newsgroups this is cross-posted to or their related Web sites. =^)
And special thanks to Mike Neylon for FINALLY telling me that it
was OK to do and Chri$ for having a sense of humour about all of it. =^)
TND
-------------------------------------------------------
Scene: SOL Bridge. Tom & Crow are standing on/behind
the desk watching a TV. Mike comes in.
Mike: Oh, hi everyone... welcome to the Satellite of Love...
(to the 'bots) What're you guys doing?
Tom: SSSH!!! We're watching the OJ Simpson trial!
Mike: Tom, I hate to break it to ya, but the trial ended
a while ago. They found him....
Crow: DON'T RUIN THE ENDING FOR US! We're only up to Rosa Lopez!
Mike: Ah ha.... where did you get the tapes?
Tom: Frank sent them. He was going to sell them, but Court TV
beat him to it.
Mike: (noticing Mads light flashing) Speaking of which, Sean
Donnellan and Kathy the Culinary Guru are calling.
(Deep 13. Frank is standing before a stove with a pot of
water on he Culinarych, Sean)
Frank: Guys... I need your help... Clay wants me to make
spaghetti, and I..um...forgot how to get it started...
(SOL)
Mike: Um... Frank... you just turn the burner on.
(Deep 13)
Frank: (Leaning on one of the burners) Thanks guys...
I forgot to tape "How to Boil Water" earlier...
Dr. F.: (Coming in) Frank, isn't that spaghetti ready yet?
(Looks at stove) Oh, for heaven's sake, Frank, you turn
on THIS burner.
(Dr. F. turns on the burner which Frank's hand is resting
on, and Frank yelps in pain and runs around going "Owie owie
owie")
Dr. F.: Serves him right for messing up my spaghetti. Anyway,
we figured you deserved a break today.
(SOL)
M&TB: We're going to McDonalds!! Yay!! Yippee!!
(Deep 13; Frank is still gadding about)
Dr. F.: No, you're not... I'm sending you a moderately good post
from a fellow in Indiana named Chri$ Lambert!.
(SOL)
Mike: A good post, that's kinda unusual for you guys.
(Deep 13; Frank's still gadding)
Dr. F.: Yeah, well the supplier's a friend of Chris's and he tipped
us $1,771. So you got off lucky this time. Whee. Just remember:
you owe us big time.
(SOL)
M&TB (not really too terribly excited): Oh, no, we have posting
sign. Oh no.
(Door sequence, Mike & bots enter the theater)
>> **WARNERS FACE THE MUSIC!**
>>
>> -by Chri$ Lambert!
Mike: Based on a concept by Robair Mackey and Jeremy Soria...
Tom: Shameless alt.tv.game-shows plug there, eh?
Crow: Why not?
>>Starring: The Warner Brothers & their Sister Dot.
>> with Dr. Scratchansniff, Slappy and Skippy
>> Squirrel, and Pinky & the Brain.
>> Featuring real-life weird FtM contestant Tommy
>> Simmons as himself, a cast of thousands, and Andy
>> Kaufman as Latka.
Mike: Be-be-da?
>> In stereo where available.
Tom: Turn down your lights, where applicable.
Mike: Um... can't that get us sued by the other guy?
Crow: Naah...
>Setting: A TV Studio in Burbank, 1980. The pilot for a new hit game
> show is being taped.
Mike: A new hit game show? Isn't that somewhat redundant?
> (Orchestra is playing the show's theme)
>Dave Williams: From Hollywood, the Entertainment capital of the WORLD!
Crow: From my pants! The entertainment...
Mike: CROW!
Tom: Um... guys... you can't do that.
Crow: Do what?
Mike: Oh, yeah, that Crow/Mike dialogue. Mike and Matty don't like it.
Crow: Oooooooooooh...
> It's time to 'Face the Music!'
M&TB: Yay.
> (The "Face the Music" sign at center stage lites up.
> The studio audience erupts in applause.)
Tom: And they spew molten lava, too.
>DW: With Otto Scratchansniff and his orchestra!
>
> (Otto, leading the band, turns to the camera and
> does an exaggerated Hollywood 'hey babe' point with
> a huge, stupid grin on his face.)
Mike: Oh, so he's a psychologist AND a musicologist?
>DW: Dot Donovan, our lovely singer!
Crow: Shouldn't that be Dot Warner?
Tom: Well, they had to sneak real-life Face the Music singer
Lisa Donovan's last name in.
Crow: Ah.
Mike: Now wait a minute, shouldn't Tommy Oliver's name be in here
too?
Tom: I don't think he deserves it.
Crow: Yeah, neither does Ron Ely.
> (Shot pans to Dot, dancing in place and generally
> being really cute.)
>
>DW: And NOW, let's meet the STAR of our show....
> Yakkoooooooooo WARner!!!
Mike: YEs, ITs YAKko WARner! THe HOst Of FAce THe MUSic!
Crow: Um... Mike... watch how you capitalize there with "host"...
Mike: Oh. Sorry.
> (The big "Face the Music" sign flies off the set,
> revealing Yakko, in a tacky game show host suit,
Tom: Wardrobe by Rod Roddy.
> at the top of a huge staircase, surrounded by hundreds
> of chase lights. Yakko descends the staircase to center
> stage, bowing to Otto and Dot, who return the favor.
> The band stops.)
>Yakko: Thank you, thank you. You're all very kind. Welcome to
> "Face the Music", where today, one of our contestants
> could win TEN THOUSAND DOLLARS IN CASH!...@@@@@@@h,
> but I doubt it.
Mike: @@@@@@@@h? I think %%%%%%%%%%h would work much better.
> (As Yakko continues, the shot pans to Pinky & the
> Brain, seated in the audience. Pinky is chomping on
> popcorn while Brain is looking on with great interest.)
Crow: Compounded annually at 20%, except in Missouri.
>Pinky: So, Brain, how're we gonna take over the world while
> we're watching a TV show being taped? Zort!
>
>Brain: Elementary, Pinky. I snuck backstage earlier in the
> evening to Yakko Warner's dressing room.
M&TB: (Humming Mission: Impossible theme)
>Pinky: How'd you pull that off? There must be hundreds of
> people workin' here...
>
>Brain: They all thought I was Fred Silverman. Now listen!
> I have implanted my latest invention - the Hypno-
> Emceesis device - into Mr. Warner's suit coat. It
> may appear as a decorative pocket hanky, but it in
> fact will work with Yakko's brain matter, producing
> subliminal messages in his vocal patterns. Those
> messages will convince the viewers of this program
> to make me their leader, and we will RULE the world!
Tom: Haven't the Mads already tried that?
Mike: Well, yeah, but they forgot that Wink Martindale doesn't
have a brain.
Tom: Ouch.
>Pinky: E-GAD Brain! Brilliant! Oh, wait, no...how many people
> are actually going to watch this show?
>
>Brain: By my estimation, about 85% of the U.S. population.
> Not only is it opposite "P.M. Magazine" in all the
> major markets - which will guarantee ratings success -
Crow: Oooooh, the great P.M. Magazine......
> but due to his incredibly engaging personality,
> Mr. Warner is destined to be the most popular
> game show host in television history. Even more
> popular than Richard Dawson, Pinky!
>Pinky: Nar-r-rf!
Tom: The extra "R" is for "R YOU INSANE?!"
>Brain: ..not to mention more comprehensible. Pinky, are you
> pondering what I'm pondering?
Crow: Yeah, and I agree. The second ingredient really *does*
make Anacin work better.
>Pinky: I think so, Brain, but I think the second ingredient
> really *does* make Anacin work better.
Crow: Hey, wait a minute... can Chri$ sue us for copyright
infringement?
Tom: Copyright-schmopyright.
> (Brain shrugs off that last comment fairly quickly.)
>
>Brain: The only potential problem is that this show *is*
> being created by Sandy Frank Productions.
>
> (Pinky jumps up and dances in a circle.)
>
>Pinky: Sandy Fraaa-ank! Sandy Fraaa-ank!
M&TB: He's the source of all our paaaaaain!!!
Tom: Now, wait.. we can sue...
Mike: Enough with the copyrights! Geez...
> (Scene shifts back to the stage. Yakko is standing next
> to three contestants - Myron, a nerd in a leisure suit;
> Tommy, a balding, hyper high school track coach in a purple
> velvet jacket; and Slappy, a Squirrel.)
Crow: Did we really need him to tell us that Slappy is a squirrel?
>Slappy: I have *got* to get with Rugg about these bit parts.
>
>Yakko: Okay, it's time for round 1! I'll show you a series of
> pictures of famous people, and Otto and the band will
> play a song directly related to only one of those
> faces. Match the Face to the Music and I'll give you
> 10 points! Do ya got it?!?
> (Myron and Tommy both slam their buzzers.)
Tom: You're a stupid buzzer, man!
Crow: Your mama was an alarm clock!
>Myron & Tommy: I GOT IT!!!
Mike: No, no...that's "I've got it".
Tom: No, actually, it is "I got it." Nobody said Sandy Frank was
gramatically correct. Remember "Air Presser" and "Tenperature"?
>Slappy: (to camera) *this* is sad.
Tom: No, dead puppies are sad.
Crow & Mike: Uuugh...
>Yakko: Ho-kay! Let's see those famous faces now!
> (On-screen, pictures of several famous celebrities
> flash by. Scene returns to Yakko, who is blowing
> his nose on his pocket hanky. Upon noticing he's
> on, he laughs nervously and stuffs the hanky back
> into his pocket.)
>
>Otto & Dot: (off-camera) Speeeeewww!!!
>
> (shot cuts to Skippy Squirrel in audience)
>
>Skippy: Hey, they stole my line! (pulls out contract) Now
> i can sue their furry butts!
Crow: Hey, if he can make a lawsuit joke....
Mike: No. Still no.
> (back to stage)
>
>Yakko: (pause) O-kay! Here's your first musical clue. Otto!
Crow: Wait, "Otto" is the first musical clue? Never heard of it.
> (band plays 1 second worth of the theme to "I Spy".
> Tommy buzzes in)
>
>Tommy: I GOT IT!!!
>
>Yakko: What've you got, Tommy?
Tom: Now wait a minute, I don't have anything...
Mike: Wrong Tommy, Tom.
>Tommy: "I Spy", and you're looking for Bill Cosby!
>
>Yakko: You are Right!! that's 10 points for Tommy.
>
> (Slappy shoots Tommy an evil look, while Myron picks
> at a thread on his suit.)
>
> Next clue, Otto!
>
> (band plays, but not for quite as long this time.
Mike: Wait, how can the band play for less than 1 second?
Tom: It's a cartoon. They can do anything.
> Tommy buzzes in.)
>
>Tommy: I GOT IT!!!
>
>Yakko: Well, put an ointment on it Tommy. What's the song?
>
>Tommy: That's "Good Morning, Good Morning" and it's
> David Hartman!!
>
>Yakko: Right again!! 20 big points for Tommy!!
Crow: You mean like this?
22222 00000
2 0 0
22222 0 0
2 0 0
22222 00000
Tom: Um... something like that.
> (Slappy looks disgusted. Myron is still picking at
> his jacket. Fade to later in the game: Tommy has
> 130 points, while Slappy and Myron have yet to
> score. Slappy is falling asleep at her podium, while
> Myron continues to pick.)
Tom: Well, I'm a pickin'!
Crow: And I'm a grinnin'!
M&TB: Heeeeeeeee...Haaaaaaaaaaw...
>Yakko: Final clue for this round, and remember, only two
> of you move on to round 3! We're still looking for
> a famous person.
Mike: Somebody better call Dan Tanna.
> The lovely Dot Donovan will sing the
> final clue for you. Remember, she MAY sing the title.
> Dottie!
>
> (Scene cuts to Dot glaring at Yakko, then quickly
> turning to the camera and flashing a big smile.)
Tom: See? =^D
Crow: No, I think it's bigger.
Tom: Like this: =^_D ?
Mike: I think that's even worse.
>Dot: (singing) "Havah nageelah, havah nageelah..."
>
> (Tommy goes for his buzzer, but Slappy whips out a
> mallet and smashes his hand. Tommy yelps in pain
> as Slappy hits her buzzer.)
Crow: Ah, yes. When all else fails, revert to violence.
>Slappy: I GOT IT HE-RE!!
>
>Yakko: Slappy! Whaddaya got?
>
>Slappy: Oh, gee. Let me think this through. Could it, now,
> *possibly* be 'Havah Nageelah'?
Tom: No! The correct answer is "Ice Ice Baby"!
Mike: Ugh. Not that guy.
>Yakko: Right! You've heard "Comedy Tonight", "Happy Talk"
> and "Havah Nageelah". Who's our famous person?
Crow: Bob Saget!
Mike and Tom (to each other): Bob Saget?
>Slappy: Joey Bishop!
>
>Yakko: RIGHT!!
Mike: LEFT!!
> (buzzer sounds.)
Tom: (in British accent) Thank you very much... our next game
features Ryan and Josie...
> That's the end of Round 2! Let's see, Tommy with 130
> points, Slappy with 20 points - YOU two go on to our
> next game! (applause)
M&TB: Yay.
> Myron, it's been fun having you,
> and we've got some lovely parting gifts.
Crow: Yeah, how's a lifetime supply of Rice-a-Roni sound?
> (Myron has unraveled his entire right sleeve by now.)
>
>Myron: Do you think anybody noticed this loose thread?
>
>Yakko: Get out, Myron.
Tom: "Get Out, Myron" by Wilson Phillips. Coming soon from
Rhino Records.
> (Myron flinches and wanders offstage.)
>
> Slappy and Tommy will be back to play Round 3,
> right after this message!
Crow: Who's getting a massage? I wanna be first!
Mike: That's "message" as in a commercial. Not the other kind.
> (audience applauds. Producer Ray Horl is heard over
> the intercom.)
Tom (as if over the intercom): Would you like fries with that?
>Horl: Aaand we're clear!
Mike: Actually, you're kinda opaque...
> (Stagehands move on set. Yakko pulls his hanky
> out to blow his nose again. Cut back to shot of Brain in
> audience.)
>
>Brain: It's a good thing I splurged for the Anti-Mucuos
> device on the Hypno-Emceeis.
Crow: I haven't heard so much technobabble since the last time I
watched Deep Space Nine.
> (pan out to include Pinky, who is now wearing a
> Tommy Simmons "I Got It!" T-shirt.)
>
>Pinky: Snot to worry, Brain! Ha ha ha! Poit!
>
>Brain: (angrier) Would you like to spend the next month
> in traction, Pinky?
Tom: How does somebody spend a month in traction?
Mike: Trust me, it's not pretty.
Crow: Ugh.
>Pinky: Is that near Wheeling?
>
> (Brain smacks himself in the face.)
>
>Brain: Why me?
Mike: Why not?
Crow: Why ask why?
> (scene fades to late in Round 3. Tommy now has 520
> points. Slappy still has 20.)
>
>Yakko: Tommy, that is incredible. That makes nine straight
> tunes you've named before the band even started
> playing them.
>
>Tommy: I tell ya, Yakko, it's like I just got the music
> in me!
Tom: Oh, it's Andy Williams!
>Yakko: A little Kaopectate would clear that up.
>
> (cut to producer Ray Horl and executive producer
> Sandy Frank in the control room.)
M&TB: NO!!!!!
Crow: I never wanted to see this guy's face!
Tom: Somebody shoot me!
Mike: Geez...
>Horl: That Tommy, I tell ya, the audience really loves him!
> He's really getting on!
Tom: Either that, or he's really on something... we're not sure which.
>Frank: Yeah, and the papers want to know whose shirts
> he wears!
>
> (spin to Slappy's podium)
>
>Slappy: (to herself) It's like I'm Herbie Stempel here or
> som'thin.
Tom: At least Chris spelled Stempel right, unlike some STUPID
AUTHORS WHO WROTE THE TV GAME SHOW ALMANAC!!!
Mike: Hey, calm down...
Tom: It's just our author venting some frustration.
Mike: Oh.
>Yakko: Our next 30-point puzzle is a "Famous Occupation".
> First clue, Dot!
>
>Dot: (singing) Ah-
>
>Tommy: (off-camera; buzzes in) I GOT IT!!!
>
> (Dot tosses her microphone to the
> ground and grabs her contract.)
>
>Dot: Hey! I'm supposed to get in at least ten seconds
> of airtime for each song! (Grabs a phone.) Get my
> agent!
Crow: Um... Dot... YOU'RE the one with the phone...
>Tommy: I GOT IT!! "Arrivederci, Roma"! You're looking
> for Roman Gabriel!
>
>Yakko: (bored) Yeah, yeah, the NFL great Roman Gabriel.
> Right again, Wheee.
Mike: When did Roman Gabriel become an occupation?
> (buzzer)
Tom: (once again in British accent) OK, now if you'll all
step on the World's Worst step..
> That's the end of the game! Here's a shocker: Tommy,
> with 550 points, you move on to the Championship Game!
M&TB: Yay.
> Slappy, let's go to Dave and see what we have for you.
>Dave: Forrrr you, Slappy, we have a cheap avocado-colored
> refrigerator from Norge! Now, you'll only have to
> manually defrost the fridge once every eight days.
> It's yours, from "Face the Music"!
>
Tom: You mean like the one we've got?
Mike: Yeah... I guess the Mads were too cheap to buy anything else...
>Slappy: Oh, wait, hold me up, I'm bowled over here. (To
> camera) Don't worry, kids, something bad's gonna
> happen to this guy in the next act.
>
>Dave: (whispering offstage) The Password is "foreshadowing".
Tom: Betty White, you start.
>Slappy: Wrong show there, backstage boy. (Slappy leaves.)
>
> (Fade to the start of the Championship Game.)
>
>Yakko: Ladies and gentlemen, our champion, Wakko Warner!
>
> (Wakko enters to applause and takes the podium next
> to Tommy.)
Crow: Where does he take it?
Mike: THAT was bad.
> Now, since this is our first episode, Wakko has been
> designated as our first champion. The two of you are
> now going to play for $10,000 in cash!
>
>Tommy: Wait a minute! He's related to you!
Tom: NO!!! REALLY?! It's not like they're both little
black dogs...
Mike: They're not dogs, Tom.
Tom: What are they, then?
Mike & Crow: CUTE!
>Yakko: Heyyy, wait just a minute! Are you implying that I
> won't be impartial in my duties as moderator?
>
>Tommy: Yes!
>
>Yakko: Oh. (pause) Anyway, you'll see a series of pictures
> of a famous person ranging from childhood to maturity.
> To win, you need to identify the song being played and
> the famous person. If you do this on the first picture
> and musical clue, you will win $10,000 in cash!...
> otherwise you'll win some crappy prizes.
>
>Wakko: Alright! I want a RadarRange! I haven't cooked a
> radar in ages.
Mike: Yah... baked radar is a delicacy in some areas...
Crow: Radar knows everything!
>Yakko: For $10,000, here's your first clue. Otto!
>
> (the first photo, a baby picture, is revealed, as
> the band plays a completely unrecognizable song.
Tom: Oh, so it must be by Snow.
> Tight shot on Tommy, who sweats bullets. Pan over
> to Wakko, who nonchalantly presses his buzzer.)
>
>Wakko: I got it.
>
>Yakko: What've ya got, Wakko?
>
>Wakko: Well, I've got rhythm, I've got music, who could ask
> for anything more?
Tom: HEY! If they could see me now, out on a fun ship cruise!
>Yakko: The song title, Gershwin.
>
>Wakko: Oh. (smiles meekly) sorry.
> "Who's that guy with the rug?"
Crow: (singing) It's Jamie... it's Jamie...
>Yakko: Right!
M&TB: LEFT!
>Tommy: What?!? There's no such song, admit it! It's a
> fix! It's a --
>
> (Slappy pops her head in stage left and mallets Tommy
> on the head. Tommy spins around and collapses)
>
>Slappy: Now *that's* Prime-Time Access Entertainment!
Mike: Only $14.95. Call your local cable company.
> (Slappy pops back out of the scene. A second later,
> she pops back in, pointing her finger into Tommy's
> nose)
>
> *You* remind me of a very mature Rod Roddy.
>
>Yakko: Okay, Wakko, who is that a picture of?!
>
>Wakko: Um..err...um...
M&TB: (humming "Jeopardy!" theme)
> (light bulb appears over Wakko's head. Upon noticing
> this, Wakko grabs it and eats it.)
>
> MICKEY STELVBERG!
Crow: Pitcher for the '68 Cubs!
>Yakko: You are RIGHT!
Mike: No, I'm not Rush Limbaugh...
Tom: Besides, Rush Limbuagh's never right anyway.
> (Band strikes up the FtM theme as Wakko jumps up and
> down.)
>
>Wakko: I won I won I won! I got my radarrange! Yippee!
M&TB: Yay.
> (Tommy recovers and gets up, but is still woozy.)
>
>Tommy: Now, whait jesta minnit...who iz Mickey Stelveleveberg?
>
>Wakko: Oh, he's a guy that works at the studio.
>
>Yakko: Yeah. He thinks nobody notices, too.
>
> (Wakko stops jumping up and down to deadpan the next
> line)
>
>Y&W: Right.
M&TB: (more emphatically than last time) LEFT!!!!!!
> (Wakko resumes jumping up and down. Tommy collapses
> for good and is pulled offstage by two stagehands.)
>
>Yakko: Wakko, let's go to Dave Williams to find out what
> you've won!
>
>Dave: Wakko, at the $10,000 level, it's ALL CASH!
Crow: Shouldn't that be CA$H? If he'$ $aying all this $tuff
about ca$h, he $hould do it like thi$.
Tom: I think he's got the Vega$ syndrome again, Mike.
Mike: (slapping Crow) There.
> (Wakko stops jumping and looks more and more dis-
> appointed as Dave continues.)
>
> Now you can buy anything you want in the world, cause
> you've won $10,000 big dollars. Congratulations!
Tom: Yeah, now he can buy a Ford Aspire.
>Wakko: But I wanted a radarrange!!! This isn't fair!
Crow: Well, life isn't fair. Nyah, nyah, nyah.
> (Yakko clamps his hand over Wakko's mouth and smiles
> to the camera.)
Tom: (impersonating Wakko) Mfhdsgvnb eyajnh sanbhjbk.
>Yakko: Wakko will be back next time to face three new
> challengers for another chance at $10,000. For Dot,
> Otto, and the whole 'Face the Music' gang, this is
> Yakko Warner! *mwah* Goodnight Everybody!!
>
> (closing theme plays while Yakko explains that Wakko
> could always *buy* a radarrange with his money.)
M&TB: Oh, so it's over... (etc...etc... they get up and
prepare to leave)
> (Fade to later in the day. The audience is empty
M&TB: Oh. (They sit back down)
> except for Pinky & the Brain. On-stage, the Warners
> are hanging out by the contestant podiums. Dot is
> sitting on top of Tommy's podium, reading a book
> entitled "So You're a Game Show Vocalist? Why?")
Crow: Why don't they look, Ralph?
>Dot: Are you *sure* this is how Kathie Lee got started?
Mike: I guess that talent comes in handy for cruise ship
commercials.
> (The Executive producer, Sandy Frank, enters stage
> right, holding a contract.)
>
>Frank: I have an important announcement to make.
Mike: We're making some original Gamera movies.
Crow & Tom: (singing) GAMERA!!! GAMERA!!! Gamera is really neat!
> We've
> reviewed your contract, Yakko, and unfortunately, it
> looks as if your deal with Warner Bros. forbids you,
> Dot and Dr. Scratchansniff from appearing in the
> program.
M&TB: Awwwwwwwwww...
> (split screen: Yakko & Dot, Brain)
>
>Warners, Brain: What?!?
Tom: I SAID, we've reviewed your contract...
> (full shot of sibs)
>
>Yakko: Why, this is an outrage! We poured every fiber of
> our being into this show! Hours upon hours of sweat
> and tears! And now you're just going to take it all
> away from us?!?
Crow: Yep.
>Dot: (tears welling up) How will we ever find the strength
> to move on with our otherwise shallow lives??
> (buries her head in her hands and sobs violently)
>
>Frank: I am prepared to pay you in full for your 65-episode
> committment.
>
>Yakko & Dot: (over it) Oh-kay!
Mike: I'm Buckwheat!
> (Yakko ditches his suit jacket, leaving it on one
> of the podiums. Wakko enters stage left, holding a
> big stack of $100 bills.)
>
>Frank: Oh, and Wakko... (takes the money) You've been
> determined an ineligible contestant. You didn't tell
> us about your appearance on "What's My Line?" in
> '53.
M&TB: Gasp!
> (Frank pulls out a b&w glossy of the WML? set,
> with Wakko and Arlene Francis both making gookies.
> Frank walks off. Y&D look sad.)
>
>Yakko: Gee, I'm really sorry about that, Wakko.
>
>Wakko: (grinning) It's okay...
>
> (Wakko reaches into his shirt and pulls out - you
> guessed it -
Crow: Umm....um... a bicycle?
Tom: A home entertainment system?
Mike: Bob Saget?
> a Radarrange.)
M&TB: Aah....
> ...I just got this at the Woolworth next door.
> (to camera) I got the Andy Gibb action figure, too!
M&TB: (singing) o/~ Stayin' Aliiiiiiiiiive!!! o/~
>Yakko: Come on, Sibs! We've got some newly-scheduled vacation
> time! Hey, Scratchy! C'mon and give us a ride home!
Crow: He'll take them home in his BRAND NEW CAAAAAAAR!!!!
Mike & Tom: Yay!!!
>Dr. SnS: But but but...can't ve re-negoshiate? I haven't even
> gotten und line in zhis whole ztory!
>
> (SnS pulls out his contract)
>
> It'z in my contr-
>
> (Chri$ Lambert!, your writer, enters the scene.)
Tom: I thought Troy N. Diggs was our writer.
Mike: No, they mean THEIR writer. Although Chris is a good writer,
Troy is smarter, better looking, more...
Crow: Troy wrote those lines for you, didn't he?
Mike: Damn straight.
Tom: Um... actually... he's not.
Crow: We're getting into a whole wierd area here...
Tom: BUT, we should not diminish the work of Chris...
Mike: Oh, just shut up and read the post.
>Chri$ L!: Alright already! Four contract jokes in one script
> is quite enough!
M&TB: Thank you!
> (Dot flies into the shot, leaping into Chri$ L!'s arms,
> knocking him to the floor and out of the shot.
> Sound of Dot laying a huge kiss on the writer.)
>
>Dot: HelloooOOO, Nurse Writer!
Crow: NurseWriter. The Ghostwriter spinoff, coming soon on PBS.
>Dr. SnS: Hm. Forget it, I'm ztaying!
>
>Yakko: We could always have Wakko drive...
>
> (Wakko pulls the keys to SnS's car out of his shirt.)
>
>Dr. SnS: Oh, not my '71 Pinto! (zooms past the Warners, grabbing
> the keys from Wakko in the process.)
>
>Yakko: I thought that would work.
>
> (The Warner Brothers walk offstage, trailed eventually
> by Dot, skipping off the set with a huge grin on her
> face. Pan to Chri$ L!, lying on the floor covered with
> kiss marks.)
>
>Chri$ L!: ZORT!!
Tom: Do you think Chris might be enjoying this just a LITTLE too
much?
Mike: Nah...
> (Cut back to Pinky & the Brain in the audience. Pinky,
> now also wearing a "Go Tommy!" hat, looks concerned.)
>
>Pinky: What about your plan, Brain?
>
> (back to stage: Sandy Frank is rifling through Yakko's
> discarded suit pocket, finally grabbing the hanky.)
>
>Frank: I love this pocket square! The fabric is very pleasing
> to the camera. Our new host will wear this
> prominently.
Crow: I didn't think Gamera had pockets.
Tom: He'll probably stick it in his shell or something.
> (back to P&tB)
>
>Brain: YES! As long as they hire somebody with an IQ higher
> than your average fried egg sandwich, I will still
> take control of the world!
Crow: What IS the IQ of an average IQ sandwich, anyway?
Tom: About 10 points higher than the IQ of Dan Quayle.
> (back to stage)
>
>Frank: (yelling offstage) Ray! Get Ron Ely on the phone!
> Tell him he's got the job!
Mike: (Tarzan yell)
> (cut to a suddenly disgusted Brain)
>
>Brain: How annoying. Come, Pinky. It's time to go.
Crow: (singing) Mamamia, let me go...
M&TB: BE-EL-ZE-BUB! (whatever the rest of the lyric is)
>Pinky: But Brain, can't we stick around? I hear they're
> shootin' "That's incredible!" on the next soundstage!
> We could meet John Davidson!!
Tom: And I bet he could give us some tips on buying real estate!
>Brain: Stimulating as I'm sure that would be, we must prepare
> for tomorrow night.
>
>Pinky: Why, what are we gonna do tomorrow night?
>
>Brain: Gee, I don't *know*, Pinky! I thought maybe we'd
> inivite the control group gerbils over for some
> fast-paced Euchre fun.
Crow: Euchre? You mean that guy who hosted "Finders Keepers"?
Mike: Yeah, and wasn't he that guy in Land of the Lost?
Tom: No, no... that's Wesley EURE.
Crow & Mike: Oh....
>Pinky: Ohhhh, great idea, Brain! I wanna keep score!
> (singing) Turn over the six! Cover up the four --"
>
> (Brain smacks Pinky over the head with a boom
> microphone)
Tom: BOOM!!!
> Poit.
>
> (P&B leave. In the background, Chri$ L! is finally
> back up to his feet, staggering around the set)
>
>Singers: They're dinky, they're Pinky & the Brain brain brain
> brain (buzzer) I GOT IT!!!
>
> (Iris out on Chri$ L!, who grabs the window and holds it
> open)
>
>Chri$ L! I loooove being a writer.
Tom: We love you... you love us... Barney's a flesh-eating
succubus...
> (Iris out)
Crow (as he exits): I didn't think Chris Lambert was a writer
AND an actor...
Mike: No, not that Chris Lambert... (exit, door sequence)
(SOL Bridge. The Bots are still watching the trial.)
Mike (coming in): Oh, for heaven's sake you guys, it's over, OK?
They found him not guilty! Geez, I can't believe that... (turning
TV off)
Crow: Oh, geez, Mike, why'd you have to ruin it for us?!
Tom: Yeah! We've still got Mark Fuhrman to watch!
Mike: (smugly) Because I can. Whaddya think, sirs?
(Deep 13. Frank is STILL gadding about going "Owie, owie, owie")
Dr. F. (to Frank): For God's sake, Frank, it's not a serious
burn! The burner was only on for...
Frank (stops gadding and leans on a burner): It's not the injury.
It's the principle.
Dr. F.: I'll give you principle... (turns burner on, grabs Franks
hand and leaves it there) You stay there. I'll push the button.
Frank (as Dr. F. pushes the button and through the closing credits):
Owie, owie, owie, owie....
\ | /
- O -
/ | \
Mystery Science Theater 3000 is a production of Best Brains, Inc.,
Copyright 1995, All Rights Reserved.
The Animaniacs and related characters are trademarks of Warner Bros.,
Copyrights 1993-95, All Rights Reserved.
Face the Music is a production of Sandy Frank Productions, Inc.
Copyrights 1980-95, All Rights Reserved.
This document is meant for entertainment only and is not meant
to infringe on any copyrights held by Best Brains, Inc., Warner
Brothers, or Sandy Frank Productions.
So there. =^)
TND
Chris Lambert!
MiST. Maybe it's just me...
Chris Lambert!
(I've watched the show")
--
Chris Lambert * wlam...@indiana.edu *http://silver.ucs.indiana.edu/~wlambert
The game shows will rise again! | "Okay, let's move on to milk, which is |
Go Hoosier Women's basketball! | somewhat different than underwear." |
Hoyl! RIGHT! Goodnight Everybody!-----------------IU Prof. Walter Gantz------