MSTed: Sonic the Hedgehog--"Altered Destiny" [ 3 / 4 ]

[Joseph Nebus]

This is, if my server lets it through, a fairly big Mystery Science
Theater 3000 treatment of a Sonic the Hedgehog fanfic, "Altered Destiny,"
written by Keith Aksland, a friend of mine who asked me to look over his
story and add lots of cheap jokes and goofy shots at Sonic's expense.
If you take Sonic the Hedgehog very seriously, you should probably skip
my posts. If you don't, please, read on and, hopefully, enjoy. Thank you
very much. Turn off your computer (where applicable).

Joseph Nebus
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[ INT SOL. JOEL is resting his arm on the desk; CROW is leaning
his head against JOEL's arm. A light piece of duct tape
and a weak piece of twine connect CROW's nose and head to
JOEL's arm. TOM is off-camera. ]

JOEL: You feel good about this?
CROW: Yeah, I'm set.
[ TOM enters, with several envelopes in one hand. ]
TOM: Hi, guys. What's up?
CROW: Ready to tell him?
JOEL: I think so. Tom, Crow and I were thinking about the fanfic,
and we realized it just made good sense.
TOM: Oh, you and he joined in a deep cybernetic linkup so you
could fuse your natural talents and abilities to make a
combined organism superior to all others?
CROW: Uh...yeah, that's about got it.
JOEL: We figured it'd be really cool.
TOM: So, like, you'll be able to answer the mysteries of the
Universe, like why is it on "Scooby Doo" whenever Velma lost
her glasses, she immediately became stupid as a bowl of hair?
JOEL: Uh...we have limits.
TOM: Oh. Did you get one of those psychic linkups too?
CROW: Yes.
JOEL: [ Simultaneously ] No.
[ CROW, JOEL look at each other. ]
[ Simultaneously ]
JOEL: No.
CROW: Yes.
[ A beat. ]
TOM: I take it there are still quirks in the linkup.
JOEL: Yeah, Crow, I'm sure I didn't make a psychic linkup for us.
CROW: I'm sure you did, Joel. I can feel your thoughts.
JOEL: No way.
CROW: Honest. Let me concentrate and try to pick up your mental
impressions.
JOEL: [ Shaking his head ] I'm sure, but...
CROW: Okay. Let's see...
[ CROW concentrates. After a few beats, JOEL talks to TOM. ]
JOEL: So, uh, what're those envelopes?
TOM: Beats me. I just found them in a mayonnaise jar.
JOEL: Can I see?
TOM: Sure.
[ JOEL pulls the first envelope free. ]
CROW: [ Suddenly. ] Hot cross buns.
JOEL: [ Turning to CROW ] Huh?
TOM: Hot cross buns?
CROW: I'm sure of it.
JOEL: [ Tears open the envelope and reads the card inside. CROW
has to work to stay on JOEL's arm during it. ] "What spilled out
onto the streets when the air conditioning broke in the
middle of the debate session during last summer's rabbit
convention?"
[ A beat. ]
CROW: Hm.
TOM: Peculiar.
JOEL: We can probably do better.
[ JOEL pulls out the next envelope. ]
CROW: [ Confidently ] Oberon; Minerva; and Tom Arnold.
TOM: Oberon, Minerva, and Tom Arnold.
CROW: You heard me.
JOEL: [ Opens the envelope; reads the card. ] "Name a moon, a toon,
and a goon."
[ A beat. ]
JOEL: Are you sure this thing is working?
CROW: May an overbearing camel bed down in your laundry room.
JOEL: [ Shaking his head ] If you say so.
TOM: Let's try another.
JOEL: [ Takes out another envelope. ] We may regret this.
CROW: [ Sharply ] A koala hitman at dinnertime.
TOM: A...koala...hitman.
CROW: At dinnertime.
JOEL: [ Opens the envelope and reads. ] "What eats shoots and leaves?"
[ Two beats. ]
JOEL: Okay, then. [ Starts ripping the tape and string off CROW. ]
CROW: Hey!
JOEL: I don't think we make a really powerful team.
CROW: Just as well. You get some weird thoughts, Joel.
TOM: I knew it.
JOEL: I do not!
[ MOVIE SIGN flashes ]
ALL: AAAAAUGH!
JOEL: I wasn't thinking of story sign!

[ 6.. 5.. 4.. 3.. 2.. 1.. ]

[ ALL settle back in ]

>
>* * * * *

TOM: Where were we again?
JOEL: Uh, nowhere.
TOM: Oh yeah.

>
> "WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?! YOU'RE GOING TO
>KILL US BOTH!!"

CROW: YES!
JOEL: Go for it!
TOM: Please!

> Sally screamed as they tore across
>Robotropolis at speeds that only Sonic could match. Keith

CROW: Is just asking for a bunch of traffic violations.

>whooped in sheer exhilaration. "PRINCESS, YOU BETTER PRAY
>TO EVERY GOD YOU BELIEVE IN THAT THIS BIKE HAS ENOUGH POWER
>TO GET US ACROSS THAT CANYON!!!"

TOM: That's a pretty long shout, actually.

> Sally caught herself as
>she saw what Keith was talking about.

JOEL: "That's not a canyon, it's just a matte painting!"

> The only thing that
>could even resemble a canyon near here was the mile-wide
>gorge that bordered the Great Unknown.

CROW: Yeah, I guess that might be thought of as a canyon, somehow.

> She almost lost her
>grip in panic.

TOM: Yeah, why do anything to avoid plunging to certain doom?

> "STOP!!! NO!! TURN AROUND!!!" She shouted
>until she was hoarse, but it did no good. Keith aimed for a
>chunk of slate, and muttered, "Sasha, afterburners, please."

CROW: Great, now it's the Knight Rider video game.

>With an ear-splitting explosion, the bike shot forward. The
>hoverjets hit the chunk, and the bike's nose angled up.

JOEL: Lucky they hit the "space shuttle" model of hovercycle. Think
how much trouble they'd be in if they'd stolen the Robotropolis
equivalent of a milk truck.

>"HERE WE GOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

ALL: [ Singing ] On the Great Space Coaster!

> The bike soared across the gorge.
>All of a sudden, a kind of peacefulness came over Sally, as
>she accepted that she

TOM: Had split ends in her tail.

> was going to die. The world seemed to
>go by in slow motion, and Sally saw

JOEL: The "Six Million Dollar Man" marathon.

> her life flashing before
>her eyes. When the show was over, Sally fainted.

CROW: Those clip shows take a lot out of a person.

>
> "Sally? Hello? Yo, Princess, rise and shine! We made
>it!"

JOEL: "Oh, great, I finally get a hovercycle and the first thing I
do is run over a squirrel."

>
> "Huh? Wha---," Sally mumbled as she began to wake up.
>Her eyes flew open as she remembered what had happened, and

CROW: Thought "Oh, man, what was *in* that punch?"

>with a grace and speed Keith never thought possible, she
>leaped up and tackled the human.

CROW: "Oh, no, I didn't, not with *YOU* oh NOOOOOOO!"

>
> "WHAT did you think you were doing?!" Sally was
>furious. Her eyes blazed with such a cold blue flame that
>Keith was actually afraid for his life.

JOEL: He knew he'd never live it down if he were killed by a
squirrel.
CROW: Huh?

> The feeling passed,
>though, as he realized that it was mainly residual panic.

TOM: As the feelings of other people are essentially trivial and
should have minimal impact on our lives.

>He grinned weakly. "S'okay, Princess. We're alive, aren't
>we?" Keith's attempt at the Ultimate Argument of Logic
>worked.

CROW: You know, I'd have guessed the Ultimate Argument of logic would
regard the non-denumerability of the Cantor set, or Godel's
Incompleteness Theorem, or such...outtakes from "The Dukes of
Hazzard" would've been my fifth guess.

> Sally's rantings faltered, and the fire left her
>eyes. She got off Keith's chest, and allowed him to sit up.

TOM: Baka-wow!

>"Not bad, Sally! Where'd you learn to do that?" Sally
>looked up at him, almost ready to cry,

JOEL: What the--this is a counter-revolution! There's no crying in
counter-revolutions!

> but seeing the
>dancing lights in his eyes, couldn't help but start to
>laugh.

CROW: Ah, the fine cackling of the manically insane.

> Her crystal voice echoed across the gorge behind
>them, and seemed to fill the Great Unknown with laughter.
>Keith couldn't help but join in. The two of them laughed
>long and loud, for what seemed like an eternity.

TOM: [ Unenthusiastically ] Ha-ha. Ha-ha.

> Finally,
>they started to calm down.

TOM: Whew.

> They picked themselves off the
>floor, and walked back over to the hoverbike. Sally had
>never felt better.

JOEL: Not even the time they brought anti-lice shampoos to Mobius.

> All the pain and misery that had pressed
>down on her shoulders for so many years now seemed much
>lighter.

CROW: Suddenly the war is *fun* again!

> Laughter, she mused, truly is the best medicine.

TOM: And a smile is the best umbrella.
JOEL: And a puppy is the only love money can buy.
CROW: And swimming is the best form of exercise.

>Suddenly, a thought struck her. "Keith, did we detonate
>those charges?"
>
> The look on his face was answer enough. He addressed
>Sasha. "Um, Sasha, where are those bombs now?"

CROW: "They're being turned into pilot episodes for the UPN."

>
> "JUST A MINUTE. I'M SCANNING NOW." A few seconds
>later, she finished.

TOM: "We, uh, accidentally left them back home. Sorry about that."

> "WELL, ABOUT 75% ARE STILL IN PLACE.
>THE OTHERS ARE CURRENTLY ON THEIR WAY TO ROBOTNIK'S
>HEADQUARTERS."

JOEL: I guess Robotnik would be rather stupid to take the bombs
to a disposal area when he could be bringing them to his
living room instead.

>
> "You're a princess, Sasha. Thanks." Turning to Sally,
>he said, "Well, we can still do some damage, and even add
>insult to injury. What say?"

CROW: Why not wait for all the bombs to be taken into
Robotnik's headquarters, if that's where they're going?

>
> Sally smiled. She liked his thinking. "NICOLE,
>detonate."
>
>* * * * *
>
> The Control Center shook as a massive explosion rocked
>the hangar at its side.

JOEL: "Okay, kids, this is the fifth time you've done this, now,
your mom and I have talked with you before and it's just got
to stop."

> "Sir, Communications relay is off-
>line. Hangar #2 also reports heavy damage."
>
> "Well, Snively, I told you what would happen if you
>failed." Snively cringed and squeaked, as per the custom
>for frightened rats.

CROW: Oh, now Snively's going to bite and give Robotnik the
bubonic plague.

> "What happened, by the way, with the
>human? I told you to go get him."
>
> "Uh, w-w-well, sir, we encountered... a problem, sir."
>
> "And what kind of problem would that be, Snively?"

TOM: "Turned out we were wrong and it's wabbit season."

>There was something in Robotnik's voice that said he didn't
>care what the problem was, but he knew Snively would pay
>dearly for it.

JOEL: See, this is what happens when Total Quality Management
programs get misapplied.

>
> "Well, sir, the human seems to be... extremely
>intelligent.

TOM: As he reminded us every other sentence.
CROW: Another one!
TOM: Would you stop counting?
JOEL: It's his cookies now.

> He managed to outwit my patrol,

JOEL: But, then, hands on a clock outwit his patrols.

> and he somehow
>hot-wired a hoverbike."

CROW: Oh, he just turned it on.

>
> "Well, Snively, why don't you trace it?" Robotnik's
>face was turning an interesting shade of purple.
>
> "Uh... ummm...

TOM: "Doc, I think we're growing apart."

> he... he destroyed the homing
>transmitter as well."
>
> "He WHAT?!?!"

CROW: I didn't mean it. I don't know what I was thinking.

>
> What happened next is far too disturbing for me to put
>down,

TOM: Me?
JOEL: What does it say about a story when the third-person
omniscient point of view can't stay in character?
CROW: It says it's a fanfic.

> but let's just say that Snively will wake up several
>days later with one mother of a headache.
>
> "Packbell, you're in charge of finding that blasted
>human now. I trust you won't fail me."

CROW: Oh, wait, you will fail me. I forgot.

> The android looked
>down at the inert and bleeding form of Robotnik's nephew,
>and hastily agreed.

TOM: So, why wasn't Snively roboticized, again? What special
talent was Packbell afraid of losing?

>
>* * * * *
>
> The two could see the smoke all the way from the Great
>Unknown. Keith grinned down at the Princess. "Welp," he
>said, "I think

JOEL: That's the biggest forest fire I've set in *months*.

> we'd best be getting back to Knothole before
>they think I hurt you or something." His tone was light,
>but Sally picked up the message beneath it.

CROW: [ Sounding out Charades ] You want...you want me to go...go
to the store, okay, I'm to go to the store and you want me
to...to...sounds like "earring"?...uh...

> Picked it up
>loud and clear. "You know," she said, "there are those who
>would be willing to give you a chance, if you'd let them."

TOM: Nothing proves trustworthiness more than pulling insane
stunts on alien technology.

>
> "I'm sure there are, but on that note, I'm kinda a
>'seeing is believing' person.

JOEL: Unless I'm asked to believe a mysterious super-powerful
being that only appears in dreams.

> Let them come to me, and I'll
>give them a shot. Anyway," he said, shaking his head,
>"let's head back."

CROW: Hang on, could we stop off at Wa-wa first? I really need a
super-slushie.

>
> "All right, but could you take it slow?

JOEL: The last thing we need is for this to wander into "Return of
the Jedi."

> I can only
>stand one heart attack a day, you know."
>
>Chapter 5: Another Chance
>
> It was midafternoon by the time the two reached
>Knothole. Sonic had already organized a search-and-rescure
>team,

CROW: All this trouble just 'cause they don't have prepaid
telephone cards.

> and they were just about ready to head out when Sally
>ran up and hugged Sonic.

TOM: [ As Sonic ] "Oh, great! You can help us look for Sally
and that human!"

>
> "And just where were ya? I was just about to go out
>lookin for you!" Sonic was relieved that she was back,
>though, and the lecture turned into a long hug.

JOEL: Now you just go to your room and think about your not dying.

> "So," he
>said, as they finally let go, "where's the trainee?"
>
> "Right here, blue boy!"

CROW: Blue Boy, Pennsylvania?
JOEL: You behave.

> All heads turned and stared at
>the human sitting astride his hoverbike, looking like a
>cyberpunk's version of a Horseman of the Apocalypse.

TOM: Hey, did he just appropriately use a simile? In a fanfic?
CROW: It's stunning. We may make it through this yet.

> He was
>grinning like a maniac. There were some scattered
>mutterings, a few scathing remarks, but nothing incredibly
>audible.

ALL: Murmur murmur murmur murmur murmur murmur.

>
> Keith turned to the crowd. "What? Haven't I proven
>myself yet? My God, what does it take to get you people off
>my back?!

TOM: It's not that, they're just staring at the headlights.
CROW: Yeah, turn the lights off, they'll snap out of it.

> Oh, maybe this will help. Sasha, could you call
>up that little thing we found back at Robotropolis? You
>know the one."

JOEL: It's a T-shirt reading "I heart Robotropolis, but Robotropolis
doesn't heart me."

>
> "NO PROBLEM, BWANA." Immediately a holographic display
>shimmered into view. It was a detailed set of blueprints
>for something called a Death Egg.

ALL: [ Snickering ]
CROW: Yeah, and later on, the evil Dr. Robotnik is going to invade
Knothole and TP their lawns.

>
> "Oh, my gosh, Sonic! Look at this! He's found the
>schematics we've been trying to figure out for the past

JOEL: Two sentences!

>three weeks!" Looking up at her friend, she asked, "How on
>Mobius did you get these?"

TOM: Actually, I just cued the laserdisk version of "Star Wars"
up to the right scene.

>
> Keith shrugged. "I guess there's something to be said
>for dumb luck. Anyway, now that we know how this works, we
>can have a little fun, no?"

JOEL: Yeah, with this Death Egg we'll finally make the chickens
respect us.

>
> "I don't know... We'll have to study it carefully.
>There may be some surprises in this little toy.

TOM: Like there...see? "Choking hazard--Do not give to children
under three years old."

> Only way to
>make sure nothing goes wrong..."
>
> "...Is if we spend weeks in careful perparation, I know

CROW: Genius is one percent inspiration, and ninety-nine percent
perparation.

>the drill." He opens his mouth in a jaw-cracking yawn.

TOM: Ccccrick! Bop! Boing!
JOEL: Ih fehh off! Hewp!

>"Just hope I can find something to do during the off-time."
>He shrugs. "Ah, well, I'll find something. So! What now?"

TOM: Maybe he could visit the set of "Super Mario Brothers."

>
> Sally blinked as something occurred to her. "Wait a
>minute! We forgot the sleeping arrangements!"

CROW: I'll just use my massive brainpower to create suitable
quarters out of pure thought.
TOM: FOUL! FOUL! Now he has to give up a cookie to me!
CROW: No fair!
JOEL: Sounds fair to me, actually.

> She looked
>around at the crowd. All she heard was more muttering.
>"He's already got a place to stay. Better put him back
>there." Keith just rolled his eyes and sighed.

CROW: But I don't fold up to *fit* in the linen closet.

> "Okay, who
>said that? Come on, come out. I'd rather see my
>persecutors face-to-face, iff'n y'don't mind." Recieving no
>answer, he smirked.

JOEL: Class, I'm going to turn off the lights and sit down until
you show you can control yourselves."

> Sally did not like that light in his
>eyes. "Aww, c'mon! Don't tell me you're too much of a
>coward to say it to my face, are you?"

TOM: Maybe they'd be more comfortable offering to sniff each
others' rear ends.
JOEL: You behave too.

> Even though he was
>adressing no one in particular, an angry snort went up from
>the back of the crowd. Keith heard, and craned his neck.

CROW: [ Calling ] Cock-a-doodle-doooooooo!

>"Yes? The hatemonger in the back? You have something to
>add? Come on, share your feelings with the group!"

JOEL: Or we'll just cancel the video. You have to earn the
right to see "Inspector Molecule."

> The
>crowd parted as someone shoved their way up to the front.
>It was the badger that had tangled with him the day before.
>Keith just grinned. "What's the matter?"

TOM: [ Sobbing ] I'm afraid of cosines!

>
> "What's the matter?! The matter is, I'm tired of
>seeing your face! You humans should be wiped from the face
>of Mobius!" Keith's eyes grew deadly serious at this
>comment. "Is this what you really believe? That I should

CROW: Feel freer about breaking up my paragraphs?

>be killed?"
>
> "You're damn right, that's what I think!" Keith
>nodded, then pulled out a blaster pistol he'd managed to
>acquire from a

TOM: Plot point we just thought up.

> SWATbot. He handed it, grip first, to the
>badger. "Fine. Go ahead."

JOEL: "But...uh...this is a Mobian toothpaste dispensor."

>
> This threw the badger for a loss. "What?" He was
>stammering, but he took the pistol, and steeled himself. He
>pointed it at the boy's head. But didn't pull the trigger.

CROW: Probably has to borrow opposable thumbs from somebody too.

>
> Keith looked disappointed. "What's wrong? Oh, I see.
>I'm too tall. I'm scaring you.

JOEL: No, it's toothpaste! We told you that.

> Here, I'll get down on my
>knees. There, now you can go ahead." They were at eye
>level now, Keith gazing into the badger's blazing red eyes.

TOM: And the badger counts the days to retirement.

>But still nothing. "Now what? Oh, okay, you're afraid
>you'll miss. You never were a good shot, and you might
>miss, even this close.

JOEL: "All right, I'll shoot, but it'll just get cavity protection
all over your jacket."

> Here." He leaned forward, so that
>his forehead was pressed up against the barrel. "You can go
>ahead now. You can't miss."

CROW: Can *we* shoot instead?

> Still nothing. "Come on, one
>little squeeze of that trigger, and I'll be out of your life
>for good.

TOM: Sure it's painful, but just think how bad the moral will
be later on.

> You'd like that, wouldn't you? Come on, just
>one."

CROW: Or maybe two, or, uh, nineteen.

> The fire in the badger's eyes was faltering. Keith's
>voice was hypnotic. "Do it.

TOM: Obey...

> Do it.

JOEL: Must-defrost-the-refrigerator.

> Shoot me, and it's
>over.

CROW: The whole fanfic, over.

> Do it."

JOEL: Oh, and, after that, every time somebody says 'Chicago' to
you you'll think your pants are on fire.

>
> The badger broke down. The pistol dropped, and he
>began to shiver. "I can't. Why can't I?" He began to cry.
>Keith drew him close in a comforting hug.

TOM: The badger, however, was warned by his parents about being
touched this way.

> "You can't,
>because you do value life, no matter what species it is.

JOEL: Except for cougars, coyotes, and any other species that
eats badgers.

>Hold onto that, my friend, because you may lose it one day,
>and then you will be truly damned. Everything's fine now."

CROW: Give mommy a kiss now.

>
> "Keith, I can't believe you did that to him!" Sally
>had her hands on her hips,

TOM: And her hips on her shoulders.
CROW: And her shoulders on her kneecaps.
JOEL: And her kneecaps on her forehead.

> and she was glowering down at the
>boy.
>
> Keith released the badger, stood up, and looked
>directly at Sally. "Would you rather I argued with him, and
>got mobbed?

CROW: Yeah, that'd be cool to see.

> I wouldn't have a chance, and you know it.
>Better I make them," he points in the general direction of
>the crowd, "see that they do, in fact, have a heart,

TOM: Actually, they wanted to see his heart, as I understand.

> than I
>scream and yell, and get torn to pieces. What do you think?
>My methods may be shocking, but they

JOEL: Really aren't.

> work better than
>anything else I could have come up with." As Sally was
>considering this, a small hand went up from the back of the
>crowd.

CROW: Teacher, can I go to the lavoratory?

> "He can stay with me!" As the villagers parted, a
>teenage raccoon girl could be seen, waving her paw.
>"Rebecca? Are you sure about this?"

TOM: "Uhm...no, I'm Carol, Rebecca is the crab-eating raccoon
down the block."

>
> "Sally, I've never been more sure of anything in my
>life.

JOEL: But then I'm three weeks old.

> This poor boy hasn't had a proper reception into
>Knothole society, and I intend to give him one." She looked
>back at Keith. "Come on, it's this way."

CROW: If this turns "naughty" I'm going to vomit.
JOEL: Wow.

>
> Just before he left, Sally grabbed Keith's arm.
>"Careful, Keith. She seems to have designs on you."

TOM: Remember kids, if a girl tries to be friends with a boy,
it's cause she's got mysterious "designs" on him.

> Keith
>just grinned. "And what makes you think she'll get far? I
>do have a rather firm resolve,

CROW: And as a girl, she's got lots of cooties.

> and I think that she'll be
>pulling her hair out by the time I'm done with her. Trust
>me."

TOM: This is how girls look when you don't have hormones.

> He winked at Sally, and walked off with Rebecca.

JOEL: I feel like apologizing to every woman everywhere now.

>
> "So, tell me, why did you volunteer? You realize, of
>course, that you're harboring a human,

CROW: He's wanted for being a human in two states.

> and it'll make you
>kinda unpopular."

TOM: [ As Rebecca ] "That's all right, I'm already deeply
resented for my massive intellect."
CROW: Foul! Foul!
JOEL: Sorry, Crow, he didn't riff on Keith.
CROW: No fair!
TOM: Sounds fair to me.

> The two were walking through the forest,
>getting to know one another.

JOEL: [ As Rebecca ] "Another few minutes and we'll get to the
kitchen. The campers will have hung all the food from trees,
but that never stops us."

> Keith regarded his new roomie
>with interest. Rebecca MacPherson, the only Freedom
>fighter, aside from the major ones, to ever give him a
>chance to show his true colors.

CROW: Unfortunately, they're mauve and indigo. Yick.

> She was pretty, if you went
>for that sort of thing.

TOM: Yeah, who likes 'pretty' these days anyway?

> Her fur was light brown, but silver
>on her face and tail. Quite striking, really.

JOEL: Slap!
CROW: [ As Keith ] I was just looking!

> Her raven-
>dark hair was parted down the middle, hanging into her eyes
>every so often. And the eyes... they were what really got
>to him. They were emerald green, dancing and full of life.

TOM: But a good antibacterial agent and that'll get all cleared up.

>The eyes of someone who's sense of humor would never die.

CROW: She's got Andy Kaufmann eyes?

>Rebecca smirked as she noticed his scrutiny. "Finished?"
>She enjoyed watching his face turn the darkest red she had
>ever seen.

JOEL: But keep in mind, she's colorblind.

> "About your question, I did it for three
>reasons. One, because you've gone through a lot, and
>deserve to at least be able to sleep nights.

CROW: Two, you have a big shiny on your arm.

> Two, I meant
>what I said back there, about giving you a proper warm
>reception."

TOM: "Dear Pentmouse: I'm a newcomer to a small midwestern
cartoon..."

>
> "And the third?" He was pretty sure he knew this one.

TOM: Which he knew thanks to his...
CROW: Oh, boy!
TOM: Uh...being the writer.

>They stopped, and Rebecca looked up (way up, he's 6 foot!)
>into his eyes. "Three, well, I like you.

CROW: "I can't imagine why."

> From what I've
>seen, you're a pretty nice guy, and that's rare in my
>opinion."

TOM: Yes, remember, male equals cretin.

>
> The last statement didn't surprise him too much, but he
>was still a bit taken aback. "Really? You're kidding,
>right?"

CROW: Don't ask me, I'm just trying to follow the script.

>
> "No, Keith, I'm afraid not. Unlike most of those
>jerks, I have a very open mind.

TOM: Why, I accept everything at face value and never waste
time with critical thinking.

> If I like someone, it's for
>who they are, here," she laid a hand on his chest, "than
>what they look like. You see?"

JOEL: Aw, she's got an alveoli fetish.

> Keith nodded slowly. "Yes, I see. Thanks again,
>Rebecca. I can see I'll be enjoying my stay here a lot more
>now."
>
> Rebecca grinned. "Oh, you may enjoy it more than you
>think, my friend..."

CROW: "So, as a raccoon do you have eight mammaries?"
JOEL: For that, Crow, one of your cookies goes back to Tom.
TOM: Ha-ha!

>
> Keith shook his head. "Doubt it. I think you'll find
>me to be an interesting challenge."
>
> "Oh, REally...?" She pounced him, and they started
>rolling through the forest, laughing all the way...

CROW: Yeah, hey, friend of mine just got a car and we're gonna
go stare at its headlights all night. Want to come?

>
>Chapter 6: Gathering for the Departed
>
> Weeks went by, and Keith was slowly acclimated to
>Knothole society.

TOM: But he'd never get used to them being on metrics.

> Acclimated, not accepted. People still
>didn't trust him, but he had enough friends so he didn't
>notice.

CROW: So he's got a lot of friends, he just isn't accepted or
trusted.

> Quite often, he was seen chatting with Sonic,
>Sally, having fun with Tails, or discussing computers and
>such with Rotor and David.

JOEL: And if we had the faintest clue who David was, we'd be
impressed.

> Other times, he was helping
>Bookshire tend to the sick. All in all, he'd lived a pretty
>idyllic life in Knothole.

CROW: Except for the way everybody hated him.

>
> One spring day, however, he'd locked himself in his
>room.

TOM: It's not locked, the door opens *in*, Brainiac.
CROW: Does that count? Do I get another cookie?
TOM: No!
JOEL: Behave, the both of you.

> When Rebecca tried to ask what was wrong, all he
>could hear was singing.

CROW: Rebecca's a 'he'?
JOEL: It's hard to tell, under all that fur.

> What the songs were about, though,
>was what had disturbed her. Keith was singing strange
>requiems, sad songs, and some ones seemed to seethe with
>rage.

TOM, CROW: [ To "The Nutcracker Suite" ] Smurfberry Crunch is
fun to eat! A very special breakfast treat!
JOEL: Stop.

> He only came out to get food, which he did quickly
>and with little if any speaking.

CROW: He was really upset the animals all hung their food from
trees so the humans couldn't get at it.

>
> Sally reflected on this as she walked to Rebecca's hut.
>Apparently, he had sent Tails to her with a message, saying
>that it was imperative that he needed to speak with her.

JOEL: It's critically important! Take a conference call!

>She didn't know what was on his mind, but she, like most of
>the rest of Knothole, was out of their mind with curiosity
>or worry, depending on how much they accepted the boy.

TOM: Or, well, fits of ennui, anyway.

> She
>knocked on the door, and gasped at the human who answered
>it.

JOEL: Ed McMahon?
CROW: I *never* thought I'd win the American Publisher's Sweepstakes!

> He looked like the very image of misery. His hair,
>gone unwashed for weeks, was long and hung around his
>shoulders.

TOM: A world without shampoo and conditioner. A man without
Cartoon Network. Something has to give.

> His eyes were surrounded with rings so dark, it
>seemed as if his face had become a skull. And the eyes
>themselves...

CROW: There were suddenly two of them.

> they were as empty as the darkest chasms on
>Mobius. His voice was hoarse with all the singing he had
>done.

JOEL: His tummy rumbled from all the hamster food he'd eaten.
TOM: His elbows were all tingly from accidentally bumping against
the desk.
CROW: His shins were lightly sprained from soccer practice.

> "Come in, Princess." He stepped aside, and Sally
>walked in.

CROW: [ Weakly, as Keith. ] Uh, no, that's the closet...uh...well,
you're the princess...

>
> "So, what did you need to talk to me about?" Keith
>motioned for her to sit. She did, but he remained standing.

TOM: Oh, great, he's pulling a Spock maneuver on us.

>It seemed he had a lot to talk about.
>
> "First, I wish to thank you for everything you've done
>for me.

JOEL: No one else ever cared enough to judge me in a capital case.

> You gave me a chance when it seemed like no one
>else trusted me. You are my first, and truest friend,

TOM: If you forget about Rebecca, yeah.

> and I
>want to thank you again for that." He ran his hands through
>his hair, got stuck halfway, and gave up.

TOM: Yick!
CROW: Oh, gross!
JOEL: I don't want to know what he got stuck on.

> "I'm sure you're
>wondering just what in Destiny's name I've been doing for
>the past month.

CROW: [ As Sally ] I am? Oh, yeah, I am. Right.

> Well, I've been thinking, and I've
>discovered something."
>
> "And what would that be, Keith?"

JOEL: No matter how hard you try, you can't fold a potato chip.

>
> "That. That's it right there. For the past month, I
>feel like I've been... how can I say this?

TOM: I'm getting really uncomfortable, guys.

> I'm not who I
>was when I came here, Sally."

JOEL: I've become a raisin collector.

>
> "What are you talking about?" Sally was genuinely
>concerned, and a little afraid. This was totally unlike the
>Keith she knew, who was always upbeat, even when discussing
>his own death.

CROW: Discussing his *what*?
JOEL: "Yeah, I've found my mortality has always been just the
thing to pick up the conversation."

>
> "I'm talking about the conditions of my journey here.
>You remember what I was told?"
>
> "Yess-ss, I do.

TOM: Had to book three weeks in advance, stay over on a Saturday
night, one piece of carry-on luggage, no more than two
suitcases, and waived your bonus miles.

> You had to give up everything you hold
>dear, everything about you world." Keith nodded. "Exactly.
>But what I didn't realize was that in order to renounce my
>world, I had to renounce my identity."

CROW: He's becoming Batman.

>
> "I don't see..." She was interrupted by Keith. "No,
>but you will.

JOEL: He's been named the Earl of Kent.

> What I mean is that Keith Aksland, the human
>who lived on Earth, has died."
>
> This statement shocked Sally down to the very core of
>her being.

TOM: The very acorn of her soul.

> "What?! What are you talking about? You're not
>dead! You're sitting right here in front of me!"

CROW: If Sally had just been the main character, she would have
understood metaphor.

> But some
>morbid part of her mind chuckled, looking at him. *Are you
>sure about that? Just look at him!* But the thought was
>quickly pushed away.

JOEL: "I've looked before; he can't be any better now."

> "You, Keith, are not dead. You're
>standing right here before me, spouting nonsense. Why do
>you think you're dead?"

TOM: "Well, I don't have a pulse, haven't breathed in two weeks,
and I keep seeing long-dead relatives beckoning me home."

>
> He rolled his eyes and sighed irritably, as if trying
>to get a toddler to understand a basic truth. "What I mean
>is

TOM: My super-brain has transcended your petty 'life' and 'death'!
CROW: Another one for me!
TOM: He deserved it!

> that I have renounced my past life, as well as my world,
>and, in fact, I am no longer human." Sally was about to say
>something, but he quickly grabbed her hand and put it to the
>top of his head.

CROW: "I can pat your stomach and rub your head at the same time!"

> She felt around for a second, frowning,
>when she felt it!

TOM: Ew...

> It was barely beginning to push through,

JOEL: The weirdest "dirty" scene I've ever read.

>but she was sure of what it was;

ALL: [ Squirming ] No! No! Spare us!

> an ear!

CROW: Huh?
TOM: An *ear*?
JOEL: Keith has gone bye-bye now.

> She quickly felt
>the other side... another! She withdrew her hand, more
>confused than ever.

CROW: So, Sally is completely unaware of the existence of ears?

> He looked at her. "Though I'd rather
>not show you,

JOEL: He's a man with ears that almost poke out of his hair. Don't
cross him.

> I'm also feeling the beginnings of a tail.

CROW: It looks just like the one my pet guinea pig used to have.

> I
>don't think it'll be long before the transformation resolves
>itself."

TOM: Yeah, it's just taken a month to get the beginnings of a
tail. This should be wrapped up in another five hours.

>
> "O-okayy-yy, but what till then?"
>
> "I think it's best if I went out into the Forest to
>finish this off.

JOEL: After all, this has *never* happened to any of the other
humans who come through to Mobius every other fanfic.

> When I return, we will honor the dead."
>
> "Honor the dead?

TOM: Yeah, you know. Gus Grissom, Benjamin Franklin, Tex Avery,
and Franklin Delano Roosevelt.

> A funeral? But what..." Sally
>looked in his eyes, saw the grim resolve set into them, and
>gave up protesting.

CROW: "Would you just *go* already?"

> "All right, but are you sure you'll be
>okay?"

JOEL: "Sure, I've got everything in the world I need right here,
like, uh..."

>
> "No. But if anything does happen, tell them all thank
>you for me.

TOM: Thanks for what? Not killing him too often?

> And please, if I don't survive this, give me a
>proper burial. I didn't live as a criminal; I don't intend
>to be remembered as one."

JOEL: "Oh, we didn't figure to remember you at all."

> With that, he shook Sally's hand,
>hugger her briefly, and walked out.

CROW: [ With British accent ] Hugger off, Lordship!

>
>* * * * *
>
> For a couple of days, no one had seen hide nor hair of
>the boy.

TOM: But that's just because they're all nocturnal and...

> Then, on the third night, there came a shriek
>tearing out of the Forest as of some eternally damned
>spirit.

CROW: Joe Barbera?

> Those awake never slept, and those asleep were
>plagued with nightmares.

JOEL: They imagined they were in Sonic the Hedgehog fanfics.

> Even in far-off Robotropolis, Dr.
>Ivo Robotnik,

ALL: [ Snickering ] Ivo?
JOEL: Well, I'd be evil if that was my name.

> the only living being to function without a
>heart, shivered and moaned in his sleep.

CROW: Again with the images we don't want to live with.
TOM: Can we take a break?
JOEL: [ Picking up TOM ] Yeah, it's about time.

[ 1.. 2.. 3.. 4.. 5.. 6.. ]

[ INT SOL. TOM, JOEL, and CROW are standing around, talking. ]

JOEL: Wow. Guys, you know, the villain of the Sonic stories here,
Ivo Robotnik, really does have an evil name.
TOM: An evil name, you say?
JOEL: Certainly, Tom. Just try saying it. "Ivo Robotnik." The
syllables conjure up visions of a foul, despicable man.
CROW: Yeah, I see it.
TOM: So you're suggesting that names control our destiny?
JOEL: Not that strong a suggestion, Tom. But within the confines
of a story, something as simple as what name a character has
can go a long way to defining his personality.
CROW: So if you want an evil character, it helps to have an evil
name for him or her?
JOEL: Exactly, Crow.
TOM: I kind of see what you're saying. For instance, if you were
a character in a story, Joel, you couldn't be evil. 'Joel
Robinson' just doesn't pass as an evil name.
CROW: No; no, he couldn't. Maybe if he had a different first name,
though.
TOM: Yeah, like...how about 'Bentley'?
JOEL: Bentley?
CROW: Sure. Bentley Robinson, daring and ultra-slick super-secret-
agent. [ JOEL beings pantomiming to CROW's movie-announcer-like
recitation. ] Fast with a gun; faster with the ladies...he knows
all the moves, he knows all the secrets, and this summer, he's
going to take Washington D.C. hostage.
JOEL: [ Standing normally again. ] You got it. How about you, Tom?
TOM: Hmm. 'Tom Servo' isn't that evil a name.
JOEL: No, it's not. But what if instead you were...hm...
TOM: Walt Servo?
CROW: Nah.
TOM: Jim Servo?
JOEL: Definitely not.
TOM: Lazarus Servo?
CROW: Maybe we can come back to you. Try me instead!
JOEL: Okay, Crow...do you think you'd be evil if you were 'Stan
T. Robot'?
CROW: No...I think I might be an accountant, though.
TOM: How about 'Dar T. Robot'?
CROW: Hmm... [ Moves around, as though fitting the name. ] Dar T.
Robot. They thought he was locked away. They thought he was
harmless. They thought he was powerless. They were wrong. This
August, they're going to pay.
JOEL: Okay, so we've found a good evil name for you. Brings us back
to Tom here. How about 'Jerry Servo'?
TOM: Too cutesy.
CROW: 'Big Bad Bill Servo.'
TOM: Sounds like a chili recipe.
JOEL: 'Scott Servo?'
TOM: That's more a morning DJ's name.
CROW: That is pretty darned evil, Tom.
JOEL: True.
TOM: Still not me, guys. Or, me as an evil person, anyway.
JOEL: Why not try some names from the fanfic? 'Ivo Servo?'
TOM: Bleah.
CROW: 'Bookshire Servo'?
TOM: Sounds like a land management plan.
JOEL: 'Keith Servo'?
TOM: It's not working. Guys, maybe you just can't give me a name
that would inherently suggest I was evil.
JOEL: 'Blackjack Servo'?
CROW: Blackjack Servo: Exiled to a penal planet for crimes humanity
would not face...Labor Day weekend, he's going to make them
face him again.
TOM: Hey, you've got it. I *could* be pure evil if I had the right
name!
CROW: Great!
TOM: Yeah. So, what have we learned?
JOEL: Uh...
CROW: We learned...uh..
TOM: That with a slightly different name, we wouldn't be carriers
of right and good?
JOEL: I guess so.
CROW: Maybe there is no lesson. Maybe it's a cautionary tale.
TOM: There you go. Parents--and parents-to-be: Don't give your
children names that will make them evil.
CROW: Right. It results in a lot of heartbreak, and fanfics.
JOEL: There you go. You guys are learning all the time.
[ COMMERCIAL SIGN flashes. ]
JOEL: We'll be right back.
TOM: But we won't be evil.

[ BREAK ]