MST3Kd ARTICLE: Sexy Psychic Plants
Mr. Duality
a small 'edited' version of an article I found a while back. It's so edited,
I didn't put an Invention Exchange on it (lazy! lazy! lazy!) but it's so
short no one's gonna know. It's "classic" MST, which means Joel's in it.
Enjoy!
- spat -
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DR. F: Here's your experiment for this week. It was posted on
alt.fan.robert.mcelwaine...
JOEL AND THE BOTS: NooooooooooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
DR. F: ... but it's not a Robert McElwaine post.
JOEL & BOTS: Phew!
DR. F: It's a repost of an original McElwaine post.
JOEL & BOTS: NOooooOOOOOOOoooOOOooOOOOooo!!!
DR. F: But it's not really McElwaine's words. It's an quote from a book.
JOEL & BOTS: Phew!
DR. F: But McElwaine comments on it.
JOEL & BOTS: NOooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooOO!!!
DR. F: This is getting to be fun! But enough. Send them the article, Frank.
And have a soda for yourself.
FRANK: No. I'm not thirsty.
DR. F: Just send them the article, then. (FRANK sends article.)
JOEL: Oh no, we got article sign!!!!! (lights flash, they run around like
weirdos.)
G ... 6 ... 5 ... 4 ... 3 ... 2 ... 1 ...
CROW: Whew! I'm exhausted from all those "NooO!"s.
JOEL: I hate it when he does that to us.
> The following quote illustrates the NATURALNESS of Psychic Phenomena,
SERVO: and the stupidity that is McElwaine!
>etc., which orthodox science and religion IGNORE or DENY.
CROW: We'd like to ignore you, McElwaine. I've already denied your existence
but it's not working.
> SEXY PSYCHIC PLANTS
(SERVO sings the 70's-porn-flick-disco-music stuff.)
CROW: You sure the mads didn't get this out of alt.sex.stories?
JOEL: Of course not, it's from alt.fan.robert.mcelwaine.
CROW: What a scary concept!
> A humorous quote from "THE SECRET LIFE OF PLANTS",
JOEL: Wasn't that a Stevie Wonder album?!
> [See Footnote.], by Peter Tompkins and Christopher Bird, 1973,
> page 38:
SERVO: I'm scared to see what McElwaine thinks is humourous.
> ....."As Sauvin's main problem remained that of
CROW: Ugly, embarassing warts,
> getting his plants to be sharply attuned to his person rather than
> to their immediate environment,
JOEL: Huh?! What is he talking about?!
> when he was away for several
> days,
CROW: See, his plants just miss him.
SERVO: Or he misses his plants.
JOEL: Wasn't this in Doonesbury in the 70's?!
> he had to devise some means of attracting his plants'
> attention even more effectively than addressing them over the
> long-distance phone.
CROW: What a freak this guy is. Calling his plants over the phone.
JOEL: How'd they pick up the phone?!
> As his plants reacted most strongly to
> any damage done to himself or to any part of his own energy
> field,
SERVO: He would beat himself up regularly for the plants' enjoyment!
JOEL: Sexy _sadistic_ psychic plants.
> he experimented with remotely killing a few cells of
> his body in the presence of the plants.
CROW: He had way too much free time on his hands.
> The system worked
> admirably.
SERVO: And stupidly!
> The problem was to obtain cells that would remain
> alive for protracted periods.
JOEL: There were also problems with grasping the English language, but they
were soon ironed out.
> Blood worked well enough,
SERVO (sings): Feed me, Seymour! Feed me alll night long!
> hair
> was difficult to kill,
CROW: Uh, reality check, hair cells are _already_ dead.
> but sperm worked best of all,
JOEL: Oh, no...
> because,
> as Sauvin explained, it was easier to obtain than bleeding,
> and much less painful.
CROW: And a lot more fun, too!
SERVO: You're right. He had way too much free time on his hands.
CROW: He had something else on his hands, too, if you ask me.
JOEL: Crow!!
>
> "These experiments led Sauvin to wonder
SERVO: 'Gee, do I really enjoy my job?'
> if plants might
> not react just as well to emotions of pleasure and joy as to
> pain and shock.
CROW: So, after whispering "President Butt-Head!" to the plants, he proceeded
to kick back with the lastest issue of Playb - (JOEL covers CROW's beak)
JOEL: I said STOP IT.
CROW (muffled): Swwy.
> Not only was he tired of shocking himself,
JOEL: So he wasn't a masochist after all.
> he was afraid that repeated shocks to his plants, even
> indirect ones,
SERVO: Could cause the fuse to blow and then nobody would have any fun.
> might be UNPLEASANTLY LOADING HIS KARMA.
CROW: Uh-oh. I sense McElwainization here.
> [DITTO for vivisections, animal experiments, etc..]
JOEL: So apart from shocking plants and cutting himself, this Sauvin guy was
experimenting on animals and giving vivisections as well? THE FIEND!!
> Sauvin soon found that his plants did react to joy and
> pleasure,
CROW: They laughed, they cried. It was better than Cats.
> but with wave patterns that were not sharp enough
> to trigger a switch reliably.
JOEL: So he just wanted his plants to turn a switch on and off when they
were happy?
SERVO: Maybe that's how they got the phrase "You really turn me on." Heh heh!
> Undaunted, Sauvin decided on a
> more daring experiment.
CROW: Cold fusion?
SERVO: Throwing them at Regis Philbin?
JOEL: Trapping them in a satellite and forcing them to watch bad movies and
McElwaine posts?
CROW: Gee, that sounds familiar!
> DURING A HOLIDAY WITH A GIRL FRIEND
JOEL (laughing): This guy had a GIRLFRIEND?! Come on!!
CROW: Maybe that's the humourous bit of the quote McElwaine told us about.
> AT HIS LAKESIDE COTTAGE HE ESTABLISHED THAT HIS PLANTS,
> EIGHTY MILES AWAY,
SERVO: Would call him on the phone and ruin everything!
> WOULD REACT WITH VERY HIGH PEAKS
CROW: Twin Peaks!?
> ON THE
> TONE OSCILLATOR TO THE ACUTE PLEASURE OF [his] SEXUAL CLIMAX,
SERVO: Oh, thanks for clarifying that for us, McElwaine.
> GOING RIGHT OFF THE TOP AT THE MOMENT OF ORGASM.
CROW: "going off"... interesting choice of words there.
> All of
> which was very
SERVO: Stupid, but it kept McElwaine's interest.
> interesting and could be turned into a
JOEL: Really weird post for McElwaine to capitalize.
> COMMERCIALLY MARKETABLE DEVICE FOR JEALOUS WIVES TO MONITOR
> THEIR PHILANDERING HUSBANDS, BY MEANS OF A POTTED
> BEGONIA."....
SERVO: Next, on Amazing Discoveries, is your hubby having an affair or not?
Find out with Sauvin's Begon-O-Meter!
> (EMPHASIS, and comment, added.)
CROW: Gee, thanks, McElwaine, like we really NEEDED TO SEE WHICH PARTS YOU
LIKED TO READ PUT IN ALL CAPS!!
JOEL: Crow! Take your caps lock key off.
CROW: sorry.
> Footnote: Chapter 17 is about BIOLOGICAL TRANSMUTATIONS.
SERVO: The entire McElwaine family!
> Chapters 19 and 20 are about RADIONICS/PSIONICS.
CROW: Chapter 21 has a really good sex scene in it between a crysanthemum
and a petunia!
> Entire book is FASCINATING!
JOEL: Says you.
>
>
> UN-altered REPRODUCTION and DISSEMINATION of this
SERVO: Pointless piece of garbage.
> INTERESTING Quote, WITH my comments,
ALL: And ours!
> is ENCOURAGED.
CROW: I thought we weren't supposed to encourage him any further.
SERVO: Trust me, we're not.
>
> Robert E. McElwaine
> B.S., Physics and Astronomy, UW-EC
CROW: But not an agent thereof!
JOEL: Come on, I think it's over. (picks up SERVO, they leave)
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___________ - spa...@titan.ucs.umass.edu -
| _______ |
]]]]]]]=======| _______ | "Wait, he's got a Spatula Tonight t-shirt on,
|___________| he can scream all he wants!"
Petrea Mitchell
I'm not going to suggest all-out censorship, but I think an
ASCII umbrella might have come in handy a couple times. Fun reading
though.
>> UN-altered REPRODUCTION and DISSEMINATION of this
^^^^^^^^^^^^^
No comment here, eh?
--
/ <|> <|>
Petrea Mitchell <mvp!pr...@tessi.com>/<pr...@agora.rain.com>
"Would you quit being evil over my shoulder?" ---MST3K
"May God call the tune, and may your enemies play the music." --Jewish curse