MiSTing: CLR Redux [1/5]
steven r kleinedler
Oh my god! I'm peeing my pants with laughter.
So sorry to hear that mcgucken has splotted all over this newsgroup,
too.
(I heard about this MiSTie treatment in another newsgroup I frequent.)
Woo hoo! (high five)
ObMST3K: Hi, Doug L, Andy B, Steve S!
--
This message has been brought to you by Steve Kleinedler.
Chris Mayfield
camf...@iastate.edu
[General opening antics]
[1...2...3...4...5...6...]
[SOL. Mike is sitting on the desk in white boxers.]
Mike: Hello, everyone. Today is my annual checkup. Crow was just getting
ready to--
[Crow pops up, dressed in a white labcoat]
Crow: Ah, Mr. Nelson. How have you been? Fine? Gooood. First we're going
to test your reflexes. [looks down] Now where'd that sledgehammer go...
[Tom enters, dressed similarly. He has a large syringe under his arm.]
Tom: Ok Mike. I'm going to need you to bend over.
Mike: What's that for?
Tom: Smallpox.
Mike: What? I don't need--
[Gypsy storms in, dressed as a nurse]
Gypsy: Time for you lobotomy, Mr. Nicholson.
Mike: I think you have the wrong--
Crow: Ahh! Here it is!
[Crow leans back up. Holding the hammer (arms conveniently below the
bottom of the screen) he swings it and hits Mike below the knee. Mike
screams and his leg shoots out hitting Tom and sending him sailing out
of the shot.]
Tom: Whooooooooooooooooooooooooooaa! [CRASH!!]
Crow: Another patient! [zooms off]
Mike: [holding his knee] We'll be right back. Ow.
[Commercials]
[Mike is back in his jumpsuit. Crow is looking at some x-rays.]
Crow: You're as healthy as a horse, Nelson. And don't worry about that
scalpel. I'm sure it'll turn up somewhere. [light blinks]
Mike: Hey, some guy who's not a doctor but plays one on TV is calling.
[Deep 13]
Dr. F: Nelson, I hope you realize that this isn't covered under your
insurance. Anyway, I've got something for you that's sure to put you in
traction for a month. You remember the Jolly Roger? You remember the
Conservative Literary Revolution? Well, they're baaaaaack.
[SOL]
Crow: Yippee.
Mike: Yee-ha.
Tom: Hold me back.
[Deep 13]
Dr. F: I thought you'd feel that way. Oh well, abuse it or lose it!
[SOL. Chaos.]
All: We've got usenet sign!
[6...5...4...3...2...1...]
>From: Elliot McGucken <mcgucken>
>Newsgroups: rec.arts.books
>Subject: Re: WHY INTELLIGENT WOMEN ARE RAVING OVER DRAKE RAFT'S
>COLLECTED SONNETS-- IT'S A HIT!
Mike: [singing] It's a hit! It's a hit! Gang, I think this is it!
>Date: 12 Sep 1995 16:22:42 GMT
>Organization: The University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill
>Mime-Version: 1.0
>Content-Type: text/plain
>Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit
>Message-ID: <434c4i$1j...@bigblue.oit.unc.edu>
>References: <42vbsr$18...@bigblue.oit.unc.edu>
><43272n$2...@newshound.uidaho.edu>
>
>Dear Ms. Huskey,
Tom: If that is your name.
>
> It's just you. Check out our abundance of fans at
>http://sunsite.unc.edu/owl/response.html . Beauty's in the beholder's
>eye.
Mike: Ah!
Crow: What's the matter, Mike?
Mike: I think I got some beauty in my eye.
> You're missing the boat.
Tom: [singing] Sit down, you missing the boat! Sit down, sit down, sit
down...
>http://sunsite.unc.edu/owl/jollyroger.html
>
> Below you will find an excerpt from my Great American Novel,
Mike: William Carlos Williams, Philip Roth, and now Elliot McGucken.
Crow: Two out of three ain't bad.
>THE DRAKE RAFT FIELD TRIP ( http://sunsite.unc.edu/owl/ADFBCH1.html ).
>I have appended it there as a self-test
Tom: This is only a self-test. Had this actually been you, you would
have had a personality.
> that you can take in your free
>time. If you can read it
Mike: You're more literate than Elliot.
> without laughing, it means you lack a sense
>of humor. If you can puruse it without appreciating my unparalelled
>command of satire and my iron grip upon irony,
Crow: You have good taste.
> it means you have not
>the mind to plumb the depths of Great Literature.
Mike: If you can read it without becoming nauseous, you're a better man
than I, Gunga Din.
>
> If you fail to feel humble in its Greatness, then the conservative
>literary revolution has no use for you.
Tom: If you fail to grovel at our feet, then we won't expend the effort
to exploit you.
> And being that the
>conservative literary revolution is the fastest-sailing literary
>revolution on the WWW, the list rec.arts.books exists primarily to
>discuss it.
Tom: I'm sorry to break this to you Elly, but the universe doesn't
revolve about your ego.
> Thus you should think twice in the future before trying
>the good peoples' patience on this list with your unwarranted, inept
>posts, which say nothing
Mike: Do as I say, not as I do.
> except for, "I am a liberal, and that is
>enough."
Crow: As opposed to "I am a conservative, and that is enough."
>
> Sincerely,
>
> Elliot McGucken
>
>mely...@osprey.csrv.uidaho.edu (Melynda Huskey) wrote:
>>Elliot McGucken <mcgucken> wrote: [a whole bunch of stuff you don't
>>want to read again]
All: Hear, hear!
>>
>>Is it just me, or are these guys trying way too hard?
Tom: It's not just you.
>>
>>On the other hand, they make a nice counterbalance to Joseph Green,
Mike: Didn't he direct "The Brain that Wouldn't Die?"
>>proving that not all literary conservatives are smart, funny, and fine
>>rhetoricians,
Tom: Unfortunately, the ones who aren't seem to be the most determined
to show everyone that they are.
> which is something of a relief to me.
>>
>>Melynda Huskey
>>mely...@osprey.csrv.uidaho.edu
[Elliot's story-rebuttal snipped since it's as long again as this
MiSTing]
>*Re: The Great American Novel (THE DRAKE RAFT FIELD TRIP) THE JOLLY
>ROGER WINS ANOTHER WWW AWARD!*
Crow: The coveted "Eye of Argon" Golden Turd!
>
>Most Great American novels, like THE CATCHER IN THE RYE, get rejected
>about twenty times before they are published.
Tom: The Catcher in the Rye was rejected. Our book was rejected. The
Catcher in the Rye is a great book. Therefore our book is great.
Mike: You might want to shorten your syllogism there, Tom.
>
>I mean take BILLY BUDD
Crow: [Henny Youngman] Please!
> for instance-- Melville died with it in his top
>desk drawer.
Mike: And what's that show you?
Tom: Uh, don't die?
>
>And the Great Gatsby sells more copies every year now then it did in
>Fitzgerald's entire life.
>
>Why is this?
Mike: Because Fitzgerald had _talent._
> It's because we have editors like Vance Maverick, who
>inspite of being unable to create Greatness himself, feels that he is
>an authority on the subject.
Crow: Sounds kinda like you, Elliot.
>
>The Drake Raft Field Trip ( http://sunsite.unc.edu/owl/ADFBCH1.html )
>is a contemporary example of this phenomena.
Tom: We can't get any publisher to take this flaming sack of dog
excrement, therefore it is Literature.
> But the thing is, the WWW
>changing all this as it is allowing the Greats to bypass
Mike: Ok, ya take the Hemingway Expressway until you reach Twain
Memorial Highway. Take that for 10 miles until you reach Cather Bypass.
> the self-
>appointed literary experts and deliver their Poetry and Prose directly
>to the people,
Crow: Dear Mr. McGucken, as the People of America, we appreciate your
interest in writing. However, we feel that at this time...
> most of whom don't mind being entertained with the
>Truth.
Mike: This guy doesn't watch much television, does he?
>
>Everyone will be pleased to know that we received the following
>message:
Mike: I'm losing my net access.
Tom: I wish.
>
>The Jolly Roger has won a coveted "Feature Link" position on The Big
>Eye at http://www.coolsite.com/goodurls/bigeye.htm (Page #1). Check it
>out!
All: NO!
>
>The Big Eye has been selected "Hotspot of the Day" for 9/18 by Fred
>Langda of Windows, Home PC, and NetGuide Magazines.
>
>We're keeping y'all on the cutting edge of the WWW and literature!
Mike: In the way that when I read your posts, I want to slit my wrists.
>
>THE JOLLY ROGER http://sunsite.unc.edu/owl/jollyroger.html
>*Re: SIGN ABOARD THE JOLLY ROGER: THE LITERARY JOURNAL OF THE NEW
>INTELLECTUAL! (YOU HATE US 'CAUSE WE'RE RIGHT)*
Mike: Ultra neo-Nazi right.
>
>http://sunsite.unc.edu/owl BEACONWAY PRESS
>
>I contend that posting the truth about writing on misc.writing is not
>spam.
Crow: I contend you can't tell your classics from a hole in the ground.
> I know truth doesn't show up on the liberal radar,
All: RADAR!
> but yet it
>still exists, and it is often of interest to people who aren't blinded
>by bigotry.
>
>KEEP OUT LIBERAL BIGOTS!!
Mike: What a perfectly ignorant bigoted thing to say.
> http://sunsite.unc.edu/owl/keepout.html
>
>The conservative literary revolution has arrived in your port.
Crow: Kind of like the Black Death.
> We're
>pirating the treasures of the Western Heritage and returning them to
>their owners-- the people.
Mike: Screw copyright infringement!
> Sign aboard if you prefer Herman Melville
>to Joyce Carol Oates!
>
>KEEP OUT LIBERAL BIGOTS!!
Tom: Second verse, same as the first.
> http://sunsite.unc.edu/owl/keepout.html
>
>When given the choice between the Great Books and political games,
Crow: Like Go to the Head of the Upper Class?
> the
>liberal elite abandoned the Great Books and created women's studies
>departments. Because the insipidness and intellectual inferiority of
>the women's studies
Mike: I hope this guy gets Girl Gang-banged.
> becomes apparent when viewed in the rich context of
>the Western Canon, the Western Canon was buried.
>
>We have found it,
Crow: It was under the cushion of the living room couch.
> and now The Jolly Roger
>( http://sunsite.unc.edu/owl/jollyroger.html ) is armed with it, as we
>sail the seven cyber-seas, writing new literature in the context of the
>great books.
>
>If you are a liberal bigot, keep out, for you will go nuts
Mike: I'm 95% of the way there, already.
> in the
>presence of our Greatness, and you shall walk the plank!
>
>KEEP OUT!! http://sunsite.unc.edu/owl/keepout.html
>*Re: U.S. : Current heavyweight poetry champ? KEEP OUT WEAK SOULS!
>DRAKE RAFT-- THE MOST DANGEROUS POET ALIVE!!*
Crow: These guys must have the longest subject lines in existence.
>
>KEEP OUT!! http://sunsite.unc.edu/owl/keepout.html
>http://sunsite.unc.edu/owl/jollyroger.html
>lxxxi.
>Show them the Parthenon, they'll level it,
>And call the broken rubble modern art,
>Gaudy and pretentious they see sonnets,
>Free verse rings true to the modern heart.
Mike: Drake's meter is halfway to free verse already.
Crow: Iambic pentameter? Uh, what's that?
>Forget pondering 'bout philosophy,
>They've reduced dead white males to a fashion,
Tom: And Vivian's wearing the latest from Paris: a good Republican coat
with Newt leather boots.
>Deconstruction and relativity,
Crow: Huh, huh, E=mc^2. How long did it take you to come up with that,
Einstein?
>These are today's culture leach's passions.
Mike: Robin Leach's passions.
>Theories founded on that which they refute,
>Critics try to tell you how to compose,
>I thank them for trying to make me mute,
>Without them this pain wouldn't become prose.
Mike: I thought this was supposed to be poetry.
Crow: Like he knows the difference.
>I 've seen them do the starving artist
Mike: Kafka?
Tom: No, that's The Hunger Artist.
Crow: Maybe he do the police in different voices?
> in,
>I won't lose; their game I don't want to win.
Tom: Uh...but if you don't lose, you _will_ win.
>lxxxiii.
>It's a paradox that the greatest mind,
>Of Socrates was not compatible,
Crow: Socrates had an AC mind; society, DC.
>with life-- reason to lie he could not find,
>Sentenced to permanent sabbatical.
Tom: That's one hell of a golden parachute.
>So the good poet must offer a lie,
>Like Plato offered in his dialogues,
>He had Socrates,
Crow; Bocka-wow! Score one for Plato!
> removed,
Mike: I've heard of conspiracy theories, but this is ridiculous.
> wonder why,
>While he himself became a pedagogue.
>Plato was a poet, a creator,
>Naturally he wanted competition banned,
Tom: Elly, if Plato hated Socrates so much, why did he record his
dialogues?
>So he lied and said his truths were greater,
>Gave his prophecies to be taught to men.
>In the same breath he rhymed and banned poets,
>So the coward's the same as the stoic.
Mike: There are more things to be afraid of in heaven and earth than are
dreamt of in your philosophy.
>lxxxiv.
>When they kill you in the name of freedom,
Crow: Hello! We're liberating you! Time to die!
>Then don't you know it's time to burn them down,
>It's a democracy, not a kingdom,
>There is no such thing as the tyrant's crown.
>So just who do you think you are, sick witch?
Mike: Magician, heal thyself.
>What makes you think I must be loyal to you?
>Just because you lease your mind out to the rich,
Crow: I'm subletting my cerebellum this spring to a couple from Ohio.
>Doesn't mean you can tell me what to do.
>But you're a pawn in today's tyranny,
>You're a beggar-- can't be a chooser too,
Tom: Gee, Drake, come up with that yourself?
>You're a fake in a university,
>I went there and learned these facts to be true.
>It's but political, get out the knife,
>Got to kill if you want to keep your life.
Crow: Knives don't kill people, people do. This message brought to you
by the NKA.
>lxxxv.
>It's so much more than just true love with you,
Mike: It's also sex.
>I felt true love in our first autumn kiss,
>But now that I look back, behold past's view,
>It's the friendship I found with you I miss.
Mike: And the sex.
>For compared to friends, true loves are common,
>They come and go with the wink of an eye,
>But true friends are not so easily won,
>They must walk upright,
Crow: They must have opposable thumbs and rudimentary tool making
skills.
> while loves sometimes lie.
>But friendship lacking love's void of romance,
Mike: But not necessarily sex.
>And love without friendship's a losing race,
>I guess I lucked out in this game of chance,
>To have found both within your pretty face.
Mike: And sex, too.
>Though miles and mountains keep us apart,
>Neither distance nor time can thwart my heart.
>*$$$$ POETRY AND JOBS FOR PHYSICISTS: USE YOUR LINEAR MIND TO PIRATE A
>JOB FROM A LIBERAL! $$$$*
>
>Hey there! Need a job?
Crow: [Sally Struthers] Sure! We all do!
> Use your linear mind to rough-up the
>postmodernists and take literature back.
Tom: They're repossessing the Western Canon.
>
>Don't miss the next issue of The Jolly Roger which is devoted to Great
>Science & Great Literature!
>
>THE JOLLY ROGER: THE LARGEST WWW LITERY FRIGATE
Crow: Wee ar rilly litery.
> BUILT WITH WESTERN
>SCIENCE: http://sunsite.unc.edu/owl/jollyroger.html
>
>DESIGNATED AS THE FEATURE LINK & THE JOURNAL OF THE NEW INTELLECTUAL BY
>THE BIG EYE LIST.
>
>Check out BeaconWay Press at http://sunsite.unc.edu/owl/
>
>And don't forget to sign aboard The Jolly Roger, by sending the
>message, "subscribe drakeraft your name," to list...@unc.edu!
>
>Find out why the new physicist/poets pack guns:
Mike: Because it's the only way they can assert their masculinity?
Tom: Their guns may not be loaded, but their words sure are.
>http://sunsite.unc.edu/owl/about.html
>
>
> POETRY FOR PHYSICISTS
Crow: There once was a prof from Nantucket...
>
>About a year ago, while conducting Rutherford Backscattering
>Spectroscopy experiments in the 2 MEV Van de Graff Accelerator Lab, I
>was seized by a startling revelation.
Tom: I wasn't wearing any pants.
> I am sure that I will look back
>on the insight as the happiest thought of my life. "What," I wondered
>to myself, bathed in the soft green glow from the controlling terminal,
Crow: Soaking up 50 million rems as the spectroscopy experiment went
unsupervised.
>"would it be like if words meant things?"
Mike: It'd be a hell of a lot better than what we're reading now.
> I was caught off guard. For
>in such an imaginary world, one could use words to say things
Mike: Things.
Crow: Things.
Tom: [sigh] Things.
> that
>meant something! Emotions could be captured, laughter could be
>preservered, and thought could be expressed! I quickly recorded this
>discovery in my lab notebook,
Tom: Aug 28, discovered new way to be annoying. More later.
> before it had a chance to fade from my
>mind.
Mike: I've discovered a remarkably stupid theorem which I have ample
enough room to express here.
> The proof of my theorem was trivial in one and two dimensions,
>but I had a hard time extending it to the twenty dimensions in which we
>live.
Crow: If I didn't think he lived in another world before, I certainly do
now.
> It wasn't until 6:00 AM the next morning that I realized the
>magnitude of what I had discovered.
Mike: By that time the uppers, scotch, and WD-40 had worn off.
> I had discovered the New
>Literature.
>
>But what physics journal would publish this?
Crow: If you have as much success with them as you have all your other
publishers: none.
> I knew I was ahead of my
>time, and with NSF being defunded, it would be difficult for me to
>acquire a grant to make my work legitimate. Ah! And then I saw my fate,
Tom: I'd be working at the Maid Rite in the mall and living with my
parents for the rest of my life. It was scary.
>as I recalled what James Clerk Maxwell had said. "New theories are
>never accepted by the established scientists. It's not until old guard
>dies--
Mike: Scientists of the world, unite! You have nothing to lose except
your funding!
> then the new theory gains prestige and recognition as the new
>minds, who created the theory to describe their world, take their
>rightful positions in the institutions which yesterday had beat them
>down." I forget the exact words, but the sentiment is preserved.
Crow: By smothering it in formaldehyde.
>
>Unlike many members of the slacker new-age academic left, like Andrew
>Ross, I respect science.
Tom: I know science. Science is a good friend of mine. And you, sir, are
no science.
> Science has given us cars and computers. With
>each passing minute, the resolution of the TV one can purchase at
>Circuit City is increasing, while its cost is falling, because of
>science.
Crow: Aren't those Japanese something?
>
>But there are things that science cannot do.
Mike: Just try to get science to clean up his room.
> This is obvious to most,
>but not to all. There are aspects of the human being which science
>cannot characterize, penetrate, nor grasp.
Crow: But science does a good job of blowing up those aspects.
> For science does not provide
>us with that which we buy TV's to view, except for maybe Nova, for a
>few people. There's yet the phantom in the machine that inspires people
>to watch their TV's
Tom: I watch TV, therefore I am.
> rather than their microwaves. Science does not
>inspire laughter within us, nor tears;
Mike: Try hitting someone with a physics book. That'll make 'em cry.
> there are no equations for
>emotions, though that's probably not enough to stop the government from
>funding projects to find some, as long as a feminist applies for it.
Tom: Ha, ha, ha; but I kid those commie bitches.
>Science did not give us the Ten Commandments, nor does it give us the
>laws which govern society, even though these ideals, like mathematics,
>are rooted firmly in logic.
Crow: Is this where they "deduce" God?
> By words alone do we ask the question,
>"what does it mean to be conscious, and things?"
Mike: And things.
Crow: And things.
Tom: And things.
> By words alone do we
>know the shape of what Melville deemed, "the ungraspable phantom of
>life."
>
>We here at Beaconway Press think it's arrogant of Steven Hawking to
>claim he's seen the mind of God in a mathematical equation, but hey--
>it sells coffee-table physics books,
Crow: Just what are the physics of coffee tables?
> and it gives physicists something
>to do in relatively peaceful times. The theory of coffee-table-physics/
>consciousness books has been the most successful theory in physics in
>recent years. The mark of
Tom: The beast: 666.
Mike: The neighbor of the beast: 668.
> a good theory is that it can be proven by
>experiment, and the mark of a good experiment is that its results can
>be duplicated by more experiments. So after witnessing Hawking's best-
>selling physics/bible/hand-waving book work so well, a few more people,
>like Professor Tippler, and Professor Paul Davies, figured that they
>would test the theory themselves. Tippler wrote a big book and named
>it,
Crow: "War and Peace."
> "The Physics of Immortality." In it he proves that we are immortal.
Mike: That'll come as a great relief to all those who have died.
>Included in the book are pictures of him shaking hands with the Pope.
>He proves our immortality scientifically, with math. I did not
>understand the proof,
Tom On account of I'm real stupid.
> but I am in no rush to. Apparently the proof was
>so rigorous that in place of royalties his publisher offered to buy him
>the Bahamas, in a hundred years.
Mike: He's getting an advance payment of the Galapagos for his next
book.
>
>Paul Davies took the theory to a new level, and called his book, "The
>Mind of God." He followed the strict constraints of Hawking's theory,
>and included in his treatise the obligatory picture of space-time
>around a black-hole, the mandatory mention of Schrodenger's cat,
Tom: What about Curie's French poodle?
> a few
>figures outlining the double-slit experiment, and a re-hashing of all
>the stuff that Einstein figured out, along with a few comments on
>Hawking's black-hole radiation. Then there were the few chapters that
>were devoted to the Economy of Mysteriousness Principle,
Mike: When Keynes and Schrödinger collide.
> with the
>required references to Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle, and Chaos
>Theory. Quantum mechanics is mysterious, consciousness is mysterious,
>and God is mysterious. Thus, by economy of mysteriousness, Professor
>Davies showed, they must all be the same thing.
Crow: Uh...
Tom: Is Elliot serious? Is this scientist for real?
> The book wasn't saying
>anything new, but that's OK,
Mike: Because we don't either.
> because physics books for the public are
>judged by their covers, and he had chosen the title with the skill and
>audacity of somebody who lands NSF grants for sport.
>
>And then physicists wonder why projects like the SSC gets de-funded,
>even though it's supposed to find the God particle.
Crow: Three quarks for 'postle Mark!
> But never fear--
>there is always employment for the linearly trained mind.
Tom: Once you've finished with the toilets, you can start mopping the
floor.
> Like it's
>only a matter of time until some bright, young, freshly-unemployed
>particle physicist starts a company that manufactures stronger coffee-
>tables.
>
>Recently Paul Davies won the '95 $1,000,000 Templeton award,
Crow: Whoa! Think of all the Bunsen burners you can buy with that!
> which is
>awarded each year to the person who has best increased the public's
>understanding and awareness of religion. Former winners have included
>Billy Graham, and Mother Thereasa. I saw Professor/Father Davies speak,
Tom: I was dropping LSD and experiencing synesthesia.
>at a lecture entitled, "Creation and Time," or something. He did a good
>job in presenting his colorful transparencies with the standard space-
>time-God diagrams.
Mike: So, is God closed or saddle shaped?
> And he referred to God as a "she," which showed that
>he was intelligent enough to have been liberated,
Crow: Or dumb enough to hold faith in revisionist religion.
> and caused some in
>the croud to titter.
Tom: Tee hee.
> He told us that one couldn't ask what existed
>before the big bang, because before the big bang happened, time didn't
>exist. But before the lecture was over, I discovered he was wrong, for
>I overheard the person sitting next to me whisper, "What existed before
>the big bang?"
Tom: Come to think of it, the universe would be a lot simpler to explain
if it didn't exist at all.
> "Science," Professor Davies stated, "offers a surer path
>to God than does religion."
Mike: If you build a better God, the world will beat a pathway to your
door.
>
>During the question and answer session, I was going to ask him how he
>might apply physics to help decrease today's burgeoning divorce rate,
>where every other marriage doesn't last. But somebody beat me
Crow: Good! Hit him harder! Make him cry!
> to it,
>and they asked him what his views were on morality. Professor Davies
>said that that question always comes up, and he said that if one had
>questions about morality, one didn't approach a physicist.
Mike: There is no such thing as a moral or immoral physics book. They
are either well written or badly written. That is all.
Tom: Wilde, man. Wilde.
> I wonder how
>well his book would have sold if he had called it, "The Mind of God,
>Without the Morality."
Crow: And half the calories.
>
>On the first page of the Bible, which over the past few-thousand years
>has been considered by many to contain the "Word of God,"
Tom: Which makes it different from the hundreds of other supposed Holy
Books in history.
> there is the
>line, "Let there be light." There're then maybe a couple of more
>paragraphs which talk about the creation of world,
Mike: Then there's a bunch of "begatting."
> and how it's at the
>center of everything. But then the authors are done with the subject.
>The tools by which the Big Bang Theory was developed were not available
>to them,
Crow: [singing] Moses supposes the process was gnosis. Moses supposes
erroneously.
> so those few beginning paragraphs aren't the most accurate,
>even though "Let there be light," pretty much bangs the nail on the
>head, in a big way.
>
>But then the rest of the Bible is devoted to the human soul.
Tom: Except for Esther, which never mentions God.
> And the
>printed word, the tool the authors developed to set in stone the
>eternal order they felt in their ephemeral spirits, did the job just
>fine.
Mike: Except for all the killing, adultery, and lying that went on
during the meantime.
> Five thousand years later, there are still Ten Commandments.
>Physics has not added an eleventh, nor has it reduced them to nine.
Crow: Though they have been shuffled about, one split, and two others
combined.
> And
>nobody has yet found a mathematical equation for laughter, pain, mirth,
>nor anguish.
Mike: Though we have a fairly conclusive proof that CLR=bad writing.
>
>Many physicists, as well as scientists in other fields, have embarked
>upon the quest for a scientific theory of consciousness, and God. But
>none have found that which they seek.
>
>We at Beaconway Press have.
Crow: Yep, I pretty much invented God all by myself. Jesus was _my_
idea.
> It is called The New Literature, and we
>have all purchased new homes, for we feel assured of the Nobel Prize in
>Physics.
Tom: I can't believe I'm saying this, but I wish they'd drop the stupid
physics spiel and go back to being dorky pirates.
> Physicists invented the religious book without morality, and
>now we've invented the physics book without math,
Mike: Which is equally as stupid.
> which we feel to be
>an equivalent accomplishment to Alan Lightman's invention of the novel
>without a plot. Prior to our startling insights I considered becoming a
>biographer of the great biographers and text-book writers,
Crow: William McGuffey, this is your life!
> like Abraham
>Pais, James Gleik and Halliday and Resnik, but I am now too busy with
>The New Literature. I am telling you this so that on case anyone does
>it, you will know where they got the idea from.
Mike: Especially since we know how the literary world is clambering for
your ideas.
>
>And so I here dedicate my Ph.D. physics dissertation, "Science Sonnets
>from The New Literature," to all the poor NSF bureaucrats who're losing
>their jobs in the cut-backs as well as the physicists who wrote the
>coffee-table books like Paul Davies'Superforce
Crow: It's a boson, it's a plane wave, it's...Superforce!
> and inspired me to
>become a physicist so that I might too gain a glimpse of, "The Mind of
>God." Without their combined committment to science, I would not be
>here writing this.
>
>All the Best
>
>Drake "Red Avenger" Raft
>
>On with the show! Have fun with Drake's poetry!
Mike: Not bloody likely, squire.
Tom: I think I could use a break before tackling some more of Drake's
poetry.
Mike: Sounds good to me.
[6...5...4...3...2...1...]
[Crow is looking rather despondent. He shakes his head a couple of times
and sighs. Mike enters.]
Mike: What's wrong, Crow? You looked kind of bummed.
Crow: I'm worried that Elliot McGucken may not be as stupid as he seems.
Mike: What do you mean?
Crow: I'm afraid that all this blowhard arrogance and intolerance is a
smokescreen. He seems too oblivious, too overbearing, too over the top
to be real, and I'm scared that after all our comic efforts he'll rip
away the mask and shout "Ha ha! Took you all in!" And then the joke'll
be on us.
Mike: Well, Crow, there are a lot of people out there who think that net
access has granted them the unadulterated right to promote themselves
and generally make a nuisance. Also, there are always wackos and
weirdoes out there who are oblivious to anyone saying anything they
don't want to hear. So it's entirely possible that Elliot is WYSIWYG.
Crow: You really think so? That there are really people that hardheaded
and ignorant? That makes me feel so...much...[long pause] worse. Thanks
a lot, Nelson. I think I'll go stick my head in a blender now. [wanders
off screen]
[Mike shrugs with a "What can you do?" expression]
[Commercials]
[Continued in part 2]
cek...@pomona.edu
>
> Oh my god! I'm peeing my pants with laughter.
>
> So sorry to hear that mcgucken has splotted all over this newsgroup,
> too.
"Splotted"? How dare you speak gibberish here! Don't you understand that
words MEAN... things?
> (I heard about this MiSTie treatment in another newsgroup I frequent.)
Really? Which one was it? I didn't know that we were known in other groups.
Though some people here were talking about posting ikaros' Ratliff ditty on
alt.startrek.creative. It is tempting... I wonder how Ratliff, McGucken,
McElwaine, the Stinky Girl, Abian, and all the rest of them would react...
Chris Ekman = cek...@pomona.edu
"Either this matte painting goes or I do..." = cek...@pomona.edu