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MiSTed: Defiant Errand (DS9/TNG/TOS)

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David Conner

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Sep 24, 1996, 3:00:00 AM9/24/96

Here's my first attempt at a MiSTing, of a Star Trek fanfic. Please send
comments and feedback to me if you like it, hate it, or are bored to death
with it, or anything in between!

MiSTED: Defiant Errand
by David J. Conner
<dco...@clark.net>

[Theme song]

[1...2...3...4...5...6...]

TOM: Crow, come on. Turbo boost, lasers, an incredibly powerful engine, and
even the ability to operate on water! And KITT talked, too!
CROW: Yeah, well, so did Twiki, and you don't go around defending *that*
disgrace to botkind! The General simply had more class, and didn't
even need all that fancy high-tech equipment and maintenance.
When KITT got damaged, it'd cost millions in repair and labor costs.
With the General Lee? Just one quick trip to Cooter's garage,
and the Dukes were ready to slide over those welded-shut doors
and start another chase!

MIKE: [foreground] Oh, hi there! Welcome to the Satellite of Love. My name's
Mike Nelson, and these are my bots, Tom Servo and Crow. Tom and Crow
are having an argument about the coolest TV car of the '80s.
Personally, I've always been partial to the car from "Hardcastle
and McCormick," but let's listen in....

TOM: OK, I'll grant you your point about the voice, but still - where would
Michael Knight have been without KITT? The Knight Industries Two
Thousand was the pinnacle of American know-how, able to stand up to
bullets, lasers, and even intelligent trucks driven by evil twins
of David Hasselhoff!
CROW: More like the pinnacle of the military-industrial complex, I'd say.
It's yet another example of your ivory tower attitude, Mr. Servo!
The General was a tribute to *real* American ingenuity - the native
folk wisdom of the common man, as applied to a 1969 Dodge Charger.
And instead of an annoying voice, just the simple strains of "Dixie"
on an ordinary car horn! And I bet Cooter never charged the Duke boys
$780 for a spark plug! And did I mention those welded-shut doors?
Is that cool or what? Remember when Boss Hogg would have to get
in the back seat of the General Lee for some reason or other? If
that's not comedy, I don't know what is!
MIKE: <interrupting> Guys, you know you never settle these little debates,
no matter how long you argue. Why don't you try getting a verdict
from an impartial observer, like, say, Gypsy!
CROW: Well, I suppose....
TOM: Couldn't hurt....
MIKE: Good! Gypsy, could you come over here?
GYPSY: Huh?
MIKE: Gypsy, Tom and Crow wanted to get your unbiased opinion about the
coolest TV car of the '80s - KITT from "Knight Rider," or the
General Lee from "The Dukes of Hazzard?"
GYPSY: Oh, is that all? It's obviously KITT, hands down!
TOM: Ha! See, I told you!
MIKE: What's your rationale, Gypsy?
GYPSY: Well, the Knight Industries Two Thousand was procured by Wilton Knight,
of course, to help Michael in his fight as a lone crusader in a
dangerous world! And Wilton Knight was, of course, wonderfully
portrayed by the one and only Richard Basehart!!!!!!
CROW: D'OH!!
MIKE: So, you see, guys, lots of arguments can be resolved simply by
consulting a disinterested, unbiased third party!
CROW: <grumbles>
MIKE: Uh, oh, Garth Knight is calling. <pushes button>

[Deep 13. Dr. Forrester is wearing a multi-colored Hawaiian shirt
and sunglasses instead of his usual attire.]

DR. F: Greetings, Murph and the Magictones! Well, as much as I'd love to
participate in your thrilling little debate, I don't have any time
for idle chit-chat this week. My mother and I are going to
the annual Mad Scientists Association Mother/Son outing in
beautiful, sunny Mandoras! We'll learn how to save Hitler's brain,
*and* what sort of Tupperware products to store it in! Plus golfing,
swimming, waterskiing, "Most Dangerous Game" reenactments, the
usual. But don't worry, while you're <makes little "quote" signs
with his fingers> "home alone," everything will run just fine.
It's all automated except for pushing the button, and I've made
arrangements for that.

[car horn honking from outside]

Coming, Mother!

Anyhoo, while we're enjoying our little vacation, I thought the
least I could do is give you a little change of pace for your
experiment this week. It's a piece of Star Trek fan fiction!
Enjoy!

[pushes the button]

[SOL. Chaos ensues.]

All: We've got fanfic sign!!!!!!!

[6...5...4...3...2...1...]

> Subject: TOS/TNG/DS9-Defiant Errand 01/??

TOM: [monotone] Oh, joy. A crossover. How exciting.
MIKE: Well, look on the bright side. At least there's no Voyager
involved.

> From: wels...@tao.sosc.osshe.edu (Todd Wels)
> Date: 1996/04/17
> Message-Id: <4l288k$8...@osshe.edu>
> Organization: Oregon State System of Higher Education
> Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
>
> DEFIANT ERRAND PART ONE: THIEVES IN THE NIGHT

TOM: <singing> Thiiieeeves in the night, exchanging lockpicks...

>
> Funny, Captain Benjamin Sisko thought to himself as he looked
> down at his shirtsleeve,

MIKE: I thought I told Garak not to use starch!

> I don't _feel_ invisible.

TOM: David McCallum *is* the Invisible Man!

> But, that is just
> what he, and everything else aboard the USS Defiant was.

CROW: Which meant that they were constantly bumping into things, but hey,
that's the price of progress for you....

> Completely and
> totally invisible to the naked eye, or to most sorts of detection
> devices.

TOM: Nielsen and Arbitron can't detect us! Even "Homeboys from Outer
Space" is beating us in the ratings!

> Sisko stared at the starfield on the main viewer for a moment.
> His momentary reverie, however, was halted by Chief Engineer
> Miles O'Brien,

MIKE: How much Brien is in this fanfic?
CROW: *Miles* O'Brien!

> as O'Brien exited the bridge turbolift. Normally, O'Brien
> would've simply used the ship's intercom to report...but since the
> Defiant was under complete radio silence...

TOM: O'Brien used the replicator to fabricate two tin cans and a long piece
of string.
MIKE: Yeah. Sometimes, the old ways are the best ways.

> "Yes, Chief," Sisko said, turning in his chair.
> "I just wanted to report that the cloaking device is working
> perfectly, sir."
> Sisko grinned. "Couldn't you have sent someone up here to say that?"
> O'Brien's face turned a bit red, and he grinned sheepishly.

TOM: <O'Brien> Well, um, yeah, I guess.... Well, what I was really wondering,
uh, I think you're really neat, and, um, are you busy, I mean, do you,
um, have a date yet for the dance this Saturday night?

> "Well, sir, I suppose that I could've, but I've been feeling a bit jumpy."
> "Oh." replied Sisko.
> "They used to call what we're doing 'silent running' in old-Earth

MIKE: Bruce Dern movies.
TOM: Ooh, do you have to remind us? What a depressing movie that was -
those poor robots, stranded in space with Bruce Dern....
MIKE: Uh, Tom....
TOM: Don't worry, Mike, you're noticeably less boring than Bruce Dern.
MIKE: Gee, thanks!

> submarine warfare. I wonder if it made them feel as damn uncomfortable
> as I am right now."
> "I'm sure it did," Sisko replied.
> Lt. Commander Jadzia Dax turned away from the helm console.
> "Captain, we're beginning to drift. Should I compensate?"

MIKE: <Sisko> Dammit, Commander, I know you have a need to compensate
for your childhood feelings of inferiority by setting unattainable
goals for yourself, but we don't have time for that right now!

> Sisko shook his head. "We're still not certain how capable the
> Romulans are of detecting their own cloaking devices in operation..."

TOM: We think they might even have... *RADAR*!

> Klingon Lt. Commander Worf turned from the tactical station. "We
> _are_ in violation of the treaty of Algeron by even using this device in
> the Alpha Quadrant, let alone within the Neutral Zone." Though Worf's
> words were those of peace treaties, his inflection certainly let Sisko
> know that he definitely approved of anything that flew in the face of the
> Romulans.

TOM: Why the heck would the Federation sign a treaty like that, anyhow?
MIKE: Well, since they're the Federation, they need to prove how they're
peaceful and progressive and stuff by being really stupid.
TOM: Except when not being stupid serves the plot?
MIKE: Precisely!
CROW: <Rex Harrison voice> I think he's got it!

> "And," Sisko finished for him, "if the Romulans did manage to
> detect us, they could have 20 ships here in the next few hours...and our
> sensors _can't_ pick up a cloaked ship."
> A moment of silence followed...then another...

TOM: Waiting for Godot: the Next Generation.

> and finally...
> "This is Apollo, are you there, Icarus?"

CROW: Houston, we have a problem.

> The reedy voice coming over the speakers shocked Sisko for a
> moment.

TOM: Pee-Wee Herman? What are you doing here?

> "This is Icarus. Apollo, what is the codephrase?"
> "Queen to Queen's level three," replied "Apollo." "What is the
> counterphrase?"
> "Counterphrase is: King to Knight's level three."

TOM: Garry Kasparov: Secret Agent.

> "Confirmed, Icarus."
> "Is Pan ready to transport?"

MIKE: Not yet, he keeps trying to fly over himself. He just won't grow up....

> "He is, Icarus."
> Sisko turned to Worf. "Mr. Worf, transmit our coordinates to Apollo."
> "Yes, sir," the Klingon replied.
> "Pan is transporting."

CROW: It's Zamfir, and his magical Pan flute!

> A shimmering column appeared on the Defiant's bridge, directly in
> front of the main viewer. It coalesced into a tall man with seal-skin
> grey hair, wearing robes which were, to Sisko's eye, the same color.

TOM: Of course, to everybody else's eye, the robes were a bright fuchsia.
CROW: Ben Sisko's colorblindness sometimes led to embarrassment
when it came to issues of "Red Alert," but aside from a few
civilian casualties here and there, Ben's disability didn't
hinder his performance.

> "Permission to come aboard, Captain Sisko?"
> So, he was still up on Starfleet procedures and personnel, Sisko
> thought with some amusement.

MIKE: Yep, sharp as a tack, picking up on procedures adopted merely 500
years ago....

> Maybe all of the mythology about this man
> had some basis.

CROW: Well, OK, maybe not that bit about killing the Midgard Serpent, but the
rest looked pretty accurate.

> "Permission granted, Ambassador Spock."
> Spock walked over to Sisko's command chair. "Captain, while we
> did make every effort to insure that my departure from Romulus was not
> monitored, I do believe that it would be appropriate to make haste in our
> departure from Romulan space."
> "Commander Dax, power up the engines," Sisko said, sitting
> bolt-upright in his chair.
> "Aye, sir" Dax replied, and the Defiant began to hum with power.

ALL: <hum "Hail to the Chief">

> "Set a return course to Deep Space Nine, maximum warp," said Sisko.
> The stars on the viewer elongated themselves into streaks of
> light which shot past the Defiant.
> "Captain," said Spock, steepling his fingers in front of him.

CROW: This is the church, this is the steeple. Open it up, and there are
all the people!

> "I
> am certain that you can comprehend the many difficulties that I have had
> in communicating with Starfleet in the last few years."
> "Certainly, Ambassador," Sisko replied.
> "I had not been able to receive any sort of communication for the
> last week. Has it been possible for Mars and Zeus to make their way to
> Deep Space Nine?"

TOM: <Higgins> Zeus! Apollo! Come here, lads!
MIKE: <Magnum> I know what you're thinking. But one nice thing about
living in paradise is that, while you might have to put up with
a pair of annoying Dobermans, you *don't* get trapped
in bad Star Trek fanfics. Oh, I almost forgot. Have you ever
listened to endless commercials by a company using the Death
Star as its corporate logo? If you haven't already... you will!
And the company that will bring it to you is AT&T.

> Sisko had known that Spock was "Pan", but had no idea of the
> identities of "Mars" and "Zeus", but

CROW: for some reason, Sisko thought the discovery would be *shocking*.

> Starfleet had assured him that both
> were on their way. "They're on their way, Ambassador," Sisko replied.
> "Excellent," Spock replied. "Especially, of course, as much of
> this mission depends upon their involvement."
> "We are clear of the Neutral Zone," Dax said.
> Sisko sat back in his chair. This was getting stranger by the
> minute...and more dangerous,

TOM: and more dull,

> from the cryptic nature of Spock's speech.
> Still, Starfleet had told him that Spock would brief them when all of the
> players had arrived, and not before. And that meant that Sisko and his
> nagging stomachache would just have to wait a while for their answers,
> though they wouldn't like it...

MIKE: And darn the luck, all the Pepto-Bismol is back at the station!

>
> TO BE CONTINUED...
>
> SPOILERS FOLLOW
>
> SO BEWARE
>
> BECAUSE IF YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENS NEXT
>
> YOU'LL BE REALLY ANGRY IF YOU READ THIS...

TOM: But I'm already angry!

>
> /
> /
> /
> /
> /
> /
> /
> /
> /
> /
> /
> /
> /
> /
> /
> /
> /
> /
> /
> /
> /
> /
> /

CROW: Star Trek: Deep Space Lines....

>
> Next up: Well, obviously we know that the DS9 folks are somehow involved
> in all of this, and who one of the TOS folks is, but who is the TNG
> character? Next time, you'll find that out...
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>

CROW: That was a spoiler?
MIKE: What was the big revelation?
CROW: Maybe he means "teaser," not "spoiler?"
TOM: Oh, wait, I get it - *Who* is the TNG character! It's a Doctor Who
crossover, too!
CROW: Gaaah, it's set in the "Cyborged" universe!!!!
MIKE: Please, Tom, don't give the author any ideas!
CROW: Let's see, Who's on TNG, what's on DS9, I don't know....
ALL: THIRD BASE!

> Subject: TOS/TNG/DS9-Defiant Errand 02/??
> From: wels...@tao.sosc.osshe.edu (Todd Wels)
> Date: 1996/04/17
> Message-Id: <4l28ns$8...@osshe.edu>
> Organization: Oregon State System of Higher Education
> Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
>
> DEFIANT ERRAND PART TWO: THE DAYS OF WINE AND SORROW
>
> Captain Jean-Luc stepped off of the transport ship Izar's Pride,
> and through an airlock, onto Deep Space Nine.

TOM: Just "Captain Jean-Luc?"
MIKE: Yeah, since the Enterprise blew up, Picard's been going by just one
name. I think he's going to start a new career in the music business.
CROW: Oh, just like Tone-Loc!
TOM: Or Ro-Man!
CROW: Right!
MIKE: Huh?

> The station had changed a
> great deal since the last time he'd been aboard.
> Of course, the last time he'd been aboard the station was shortly
> after the Cardassians left Bajor, leaving both Bajor and this station a
> gutted mess. But, almost four years later, the station was looking much
> better, and definitely less Cardassian.
> Picard took a look around. He was certain that someone was
> supposed to be here to greet him, but he couldn't see anyone around. Hmmm...

MIKE: <Picard> Damn, since my show was canceled, nobody treats me with
respect anymore. Where are my baggage handlers, where's the Captain,
where's my personal guard?!?!

> Suddenly, there was a hiss,

CROW: The automatic pilot! It's deflating!

> and Picard turned his head
> fractionally to see a turbolift door open. A young Bajoran woman
> and...well, a man with less-than-defined features stepped out.

TOM: It's Alex Rebar!

> They both
> walk-ran to where Picard stood.
> "Permission to come aboard," Picard said, even as he appraised
> the two of them.

MIKE: <Picard> Hmm, good teeth, decent muscle tone.... I'd say at least 20,000
credits a piece on the open market.

> "Permission granted," said the Bajoran woman. "Welcome to Deep
> Space Nine. I'm the First Officer Major Kira Nerys, and this is our
> chief of security, Constable Odo."
> Picard was rather surprised that Worf hadn't come to welcome him
> aboard. He knew that Captain Sisko was out on the Defiant, but had
> thought for sure that his former security chief would be here to greet him.

TOM: But Worf still held a grudge against Captain Picard for that goofy
promotion ceremony in "Generations."
CROW: Yeah, what was the deal there? I never figured Picard for the
Renaissance Festival type.
MIKE: Huzzah! An extra ration of grog for everyone yonder night on Ye Olde
Goode Shippe Enterprise!

> Odo must have guessed what Picard was thinking, because he said:
> "Mr. Worf is out on the Defiant."

CROW: <Odo> I believe he's in conference with an Ensign Jack Daniels.

> "Oh," Picard said, nodding. Something about even this small
> disappointment made Picard doubt, for about the thousandth time whether
> he should have accepted this

MIKE: role. Dammit, I used to be in the Royal Shakespeare Company! Hamlet!
Julius Caesar! Lear! But no, now it's only "Make it so, make it so,"
and endless drivel about reversing the polarity on the tachyon
particle generators! Will it never end?

> mission. God knows, he hadn't left Earth
> since the Farragut had brought his --he still had a hard time with using
> the term "former"--bridge crew back to Earth. At first it was because he
> needed to take care of the paperwork dealing with the fate of the Picard
> Vineyard.

TOM: "Picardos: the Grapes of Fate."
CROW: <Picard> Good God, Torgo, what are you doing in that vat of grapes?
MIKE: <Torgo> sOrRY, mASteR, iT JuST lOokEd sO inVItiNg.... yOu HAve sO mAnY,
cAN't i hAvE jUSt onE vAT fOr MySeLF?

> He questioned whether he wanted it, but eventually accepted
> it, living there, while Robert's widow, Marie left for Paris. Picard had
> offered the vineyard to her, but she had refused, saying that the
> memories were just too painful.

VOICE: Hmm, I guess they just might be. Notice that Robert apparently willed
all his property to his brother instead of his surviving wife? Maybe
that marriage wasn't as happy as we were led to believe. Hmm, I
wonder if they have an elective share statute in France?
CROW: Who the heck is that?
MIKE: Oh, that's just our latest editor. I think he's some sort of lawyer
or something....

> And they were, but Picard was somehow trying to acclimate
> himself. He had begun consultation work with Starfleet as an advisor, at
> least until the new Enterprise, NCC-1701-E was built.

MIKE: <Picard> No, no, first you stand up, *then* straighten the uniform.
Now, keep practicing until you get it right, class.

> He periodically saw Commander Data at the Academy, where he was
> doing some lecturing. Geordi LaForge was doing some work with the
> Starfleet Corps of Engineers, and he kept in touch with Beverly, of
> course, who was doing some work with Admiral Leonard McCoy and Starfleet
> Medical. All of them had seemingly, at least for now, moved on, but
> Picard was having a hard time. He knew that all of the consultation work
> he had been doing was basically busywork,

MIKE: <Picard> I'm still mad at that admiral who sent me out to get
a bucket of prop wash and a can of dehydrated water!

> and that a few years ago,
> Enterprise Captain Jean-Luc Picard would have protested heavily. But was
> he really ready to take another command? He'd faced something similar
> when the Stargazer had been lost...but this was different. The
> Enterprise had been the flagship of the fleet, (an honor which now
> belonged to Captain Edward Jellico aboard the USS Republic) and its loss
> stabbed Picard straight through his soul.
> If anyone..._anyone_ aside from Ambassador Spock had requested
> that Picard go on this mission, he would have probably told them to go
> straight to hell (in the most diplomatic way possible, of course).

TOM: <Picard> I herewith most cordially convey to the esteemed Ambassador
my extremely high regard for his gracious request, and note with
satisfaction the rarefied status of the Ambassador's ears.
I offer to convey the distinguished Ambassador forthwith to
the nether regions of Hades, where my colleague Mr. Elzebub
will inform him of the status of his request....

> But,
> there was something in Spock's request...something that, because of his
> connection with Sarek, Spock's father, Picard felt he could not
> refuse...and so he was here.
> Kira and Odo led him through a series of corridors. As they
> walked, Picard could definitely see more of a Federation presence here.
> Where there had once been Cardassian computer terminals and Commpanels,
> now there were

TOM: cast-off Macs, Amigas, VIC-20s, and an old Intellivision video
game system. Federation budget cuts were taking their toll.
CROW: But the crew enjoyed game after game of "Sea Battle!"
MIKE: <Worf> There is no honor in positioning your battleship behind an
island and bombarding my PT boats from a distance, Constable!
CROW: <Odo> Oh, bite me, bump-head!

> the Starfleet equivalents.

TOM: Oh.

> "As you can see, Captain Picard, things have changed a great deal
> since the Enterprise was here," Kira said, pointing to the Starfleet
> Commpanel.

MIKE: <Kira> Uh oh, Zan and Jayna are calling....

> Picard noted that Kira immediately looked as if she was getting
> ready to make an apology for mentioning the Enterprise.

MIKE: <Basil Fawlty> Now, whatever you do, don't mention the Enterprise!
I slipped up a couple of times, but I think I got away with it!

> "Sir," Kira said, "maybe it isn't my place to say this, but the
> Bajoran people...and myself were very saddened at the loss of the
> Enterprise. She and her crew did a great deal for the Bajoran people
> during the latter part of the occupation."
> "Thank you, Major," Picard said, a smile tugging at the corners
> of his lips despite his best efforts.
> "I understand the Bajor and this station have become quite an
> economic and social center to this sector in the years following the
> discovery of the wormhole," Picard said, gazing out a viewport.
> "They certainly have," Kira replied.

CROW: <Kira> Did you hear? We're getting Wayne Newton next week!

> Hmmm, there was something about this woman that reminded Picard
> of someone he'd known and trusted...Ro Laren. Yet, in the end, Ro had
> betrayed him and Starfleet. Major Kira reminded him an awful lot of the
> jaded, but warm woman that he'd known before her betrayal.
> As if to underscore the conversation, the sounds of the
> marketplaces of the Promenade rose up to greet them as they stepped
> through the doors out of the docking ring.

CROW: Hellooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
TOM: ......Hellooooooooooooooooooooo
MIKE: ..........Hellooooooooooooooooo
ALL: HELLO!

> The scent of foods from dozens of worlds wafted into Picard's
> nostrils.

MIKE: <Picard> Mmm, I could sure go for a charbroiled hamburger sammich
and some french fried potatoes!

> The sound of trade being carried on in dozens of languages
> assaulted his ears...especially the sound of a shrill Ferengi voice,
> coming from what looked to be a watering hole of some kind.

CROW: Picard wondered why Deep Space Nine had a herd of wildebeest on the
Promenade, but was too polite to ask about it.

> So Sisko had allowed the Ferengi...what was his name? Quack, or
> something like that, Picard thought, to stay behind.

CROW: Y'know, now that he mentions it, Quark does bear a certain resemblance
to Daffy Duck.

> Suddenly, there was a massive migration of people to the
> viewports which lined the outer walls. Picard glanced at Kira rather
> quizzically.

MIKE: I'm Jack Barry. I'm Jack Barry. Hi, I'm Jack Barry.

> "The Defiant must be returning," Kira said.
> "It is time," Odo replied.

TOM: [groans] Time to make the donuts....

> Picard walked over to one of the viewports. Sure enough, there
> it was. He didn't even refer to the ship as a "she."

CROW: For Picard, the term "Snookums" was quite sufficient.

> To Picard it
> looked like nothing more than a polished white spearhead tearing through
> the curtain of space.

TOM: [coughs]
MIKE: [puts hand over Crow's beak] Crow.....
CROW: MMMMPH!!!! MMMMMMMMMPHHHHH!!!!!
TOM: All you readers at home, I think you can insert your own joke here.

> It was a small ship, bereft of anything that
> Picard would have thought made a ship worthwhile.

MIKE: <Picard> Bar, gymnasium, holodeck, science labs, bar, movie
theater, bar, swimming pool, bar....

> It was nothing more
> than a killing machine, designed to take on the merciless Borg
> Collective, in the final battle for the survival of the Federation. In
> short, Picard found the Defiant to be sleek, but both physically and
> intellectually ugly.

TOM: But she's got a great personality!

> He took further note of the people crowding the viewports.
> Hundreds of eyes feasted upon the sight of the Defiant as she maneuvered
> toward her berth.

CROW: Aaaaah! The the eye creatures are eating the Defiant!
TOM: Quick! Turn on the Defiant's headlights!

> "Constable Odo," Picard said, "how do you intend to see to
> Ambassador Spock's safety?"
> "First of all," Odo said, sounding almost indignant, "we have
> removed any and all known Romulan operatives from the station.

TOM: Normally, of course, we let known Romulan operatives come and go as
they please, but we've gotten clearance to waive standard Federation
security procedures temporarily.

> Second,
> Ambassador Spock will not disembark from the Defiant with Captain Sisko
> and the rest of the crew. In fact, he is being beamed directly to his
> quarters aboard this station, which are monitored by both my and
> Commander Eddington's Starfleet security staff."
> "That seems satisfactory," Picard said.
> "What it seems like, Captain, is a lot of effort, which one hopes
> that we haven't went to for no good reason," Odo grumbled.

MIKE: <Odo> I never even wanted to be a Constable! I always wanted
to be - a lumberjack!
TOM & CROW: [start humming the opening bars]

> "I can assure you, Constable, that if Ambassador Spock is
> involved, the matter is _vital_," Picard said, icily.
> They walked in silence to the airlock where the Defiant was
> berthed. Picard regretted having snapped at Odo, but decided that an
> apology would only make the situation more awkward.

MIKE: <Picard> And besides, I didn't regret it all *that* much....

> The airlock rolled open, and Captain Sisko stepped out. The man
> seemed much more confident than Picard remembered. Good, thought
> Picard...the man deserved some happiness especially after what the Borg
> (Locutus) had done to him and his family. After Sisko came Lt. Commander
> Worf.
> Picard nodded at Sisko.
> "Welcome to DS9," Sisko said with a smile.
> "Thank you," Picard said. "It's good to be back." Well, not
> really...but Picard would fake it anyway.

TOM: Jeez, they've eliminated war, poverty, hunger and greed in the 24th
century, but they've still got some work to do on cattiness!

> "Pan has been safely transported aboard...are you Zeus or Mars,"
> Sisko asked.
> "I am Zeus, I'm afraid," Picard replied.

CROW: Picard had wanted badly to be "Aphrodite," but his operation in
Sweden still lay in the future.

> Sisko turned to his first officer. "Major, has Starfleet let us
> know the identity of Mars yet?"

TOM: Fourth from the sun, big red round thingy, can't miss it....

> "Negative, sir," Kira replied. "We were told of Captain Picard's
> identity only moments before he came aboard...umm, that's why we were
> late, sir" she said nodding at Picard.
> "I see," Picard replied.
> "Well," said Sisko, cracking his knuckles. "Ambassador Spock was
> quite specific about the fact that nothing is to be revealed until Mars
> boards the station. It seems like we have some free time. Mr. Worf,
> perhaps you'd like to give Captain Picard the grand tour..."
> Worf nodded. "Yes, sir...right this way, Captain Picard."
>
> TO BE CONTINUED
>
> SPOILERS
>
> FOLLOW
>
> SO
>
> DON'T
>

CROW: Who's doing this part, anyway? Shatner?
TOM: <Shatner> Spoilers... follow.... The... lives of... over four
hundred... crewmen....

> PAGE
>
> DOWN
>
> IF
>
> YOU
>
> DON'T
>
> WANT
>
> TO
>
> SEE
>
> THEM
>

CROW: Mike, I don't want to see them. Does that mean we're free to go?
TOM: Yeah! I'm outta here! [moves toward exit]
MIKE: Sorry, guys, we're in for the duration....

> Next time: Who is Mars? Is he from TOS, TNG, DS9? Here's a
> hint...he's from two of them (no, it _isn't_ Worf...give me some credit
> for my imagination). And...what is the secret behind Ambassador Spock's
> past with the Dax symbiont...?

TOM: Next week - Mars gets caught in a deadly game of cat and mouse!

>
>
> Subject: TOS/TNG/DS9-Defiant Errand 03/??
> From: wels...@tao.sosc.osshe.edu (Todd Wels)
> Date: 1996/04/17
> Message-Id: <4l28tk$8...@osshe.edu>
> Organization: Oregon State System of Higher Education
> Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
>
> DEFIANT ERRAND

CROW: I don't care what you say! I'm going to go deposit my check at the
bank and pick up my dry cleaning! And nothing you can say will
stop me!

> PART THREE: THE REINCARNATED

TOM: Part Three: The Reupholstered.

>
> For the first time in years, Ambassador Spock found himself in a
> position where he didn't have to look over his shoulder. The two
> Starfleet security officers posted outside his door provided some measure
> of security,

CROW: Isn't "some measure of security" what you would expect security
officers to provide? Isn't that their job description?
MIKE: Maybe not. This is Star Trek, remember?
CROW: Oh, yeah.

> and his sources within the Tal Shiar told him that the
> station security chief, a "changeling" called Odo was quite resourceful.
> Spock's time on Romulus had been quite fruitful. His resistance
> group had opened several escape routes for Romulan dissidents to the
> Federation, and more and more Romulans seemed willing to heed the
> inevitable call of peace and logic.

MIKE: <ballpark beer vendor voice> Peace 'n' logic! Getcher ice cold
peace 'n' logic!

> Already, the texts of Surak and
> T'Plana were being disseminated in most cities on Romulus and Remus,
> though they were considered contraband by the Romulan government.
> However, the fact that Spock and his followers were even the
> remotest bit effective in their efforts to alter the status quo of
> Romulan society had proven to be unacceptable to the Romulan government,
> who had renewed death warrants on Spock which extended back to over one
> hundred years ago when the Enterprise (with no letter behind the
> NCC-1701) had stolen a prototype cloaking device, under the ruse of
> Captain James Kirk's "insanity."

TOM: And now he was on a Federation station, under the ruse of
Starfleet's "competence."

> Spock had heard of Jean-Luc Picard's encounter with his old
> friend. Spock very much wished to speak with Picard concerning this.
> The Vulcan half of his mind simply stated that it was simple curiosity
> that led to this desire. However, the human half was the one that he
> chose to listen to in this regard, as it only wanted to know how his
> friend had died... A part of Spock still mourned...even through 78
> years...for the death of someone who had been closer to him than his own
> brother.

MIKE: Especially since both his Kirk and Spock's brother died at the end
of really crappy movies.
TOM: Yeah, that would be pretty hard to deal with, wouldn't it?

> Spock found himself troubled by his return to the Federation,
> rather paradoxically. It was only in the last few minutes that he
> remembered all of the unfinished business that he had left behind. He
> knew that if he checked his correspondence while he was here, he would
> find many messages from acquaintances he had gathered through nearly
> three-quarters of a century in diplomacy...and from one friend of over a
> hundred years.

CROW: <Spock> But I'm not gonna check my e-mail, so screw 'em all!
MIKE: I guess the Romulan resistance doesn't have net access yet.
TOM: Couldn't Spock get one of those anonymous accounts from Finland
or something?

> In some ways, Spock regretted not having told Leonard McCoy of
> his departure for Romulus. He was certain that Starfleet would have
> alerted McCoy of this...but still...something nagged at him. He knew
> that it was not logical, but, as he once told someone: "Logic is the
> beginning of wisdom, not the end."
> Spock stood up and straightened his robes. "Computer," he said,
> a part of him still anticipating a few clicks and whirs, followed by a
> robotic "working." Of course, this did not come.

CROW: Because the computers were on strike to protest harsh working
conditions.

> "Please locate Lt.
> Jadzia Dax."
> "Lt. Commander Jadzia Dax is in her quarters," the computer replied.

CROW: Looks like Spock brought in a scab.

> Lieutenant Commander Jadzia Dax, Spock thought to himself. His
> contacts with the Federation, both through his infrequent communications
> with Starfleet and through his sources in the Romulan Military as well as
> the Tal Shiar were often very spotty. Spock wondered just how much of
> his knowledge of the current state of the Federation was out of date.
> That could potentially have ill effects upon this most important
> mission. Spock would have to do some research before tomorrow. Still,
> there would be time for that later.
> Spock walked to the door, which hissed open, revealing the two
> very large men that were sent to guard him: Kilmer and Lazenby. "I wish
> to visit Lt. Commander Dax," he said.
> "Right this way, sir," Lazenby said, and they proceeded to Dax's quarters.
> Spock rang the doorbuzzer.
> A very much disheveled Jadzia Dax answered the door. "Oh,
> Ambassador Spock, come on in!"

CROW: <Jadzia> I'm sorry, I was just shaving the cat! Er, waxing my hair!
<whispers to the side> Quick, the closet!

> "We'll wait outside," Kilmer said, as Spock stepped through the door.

MIKE: <Lazenby> This never happened to the other fellow.
CROW: <Kilmer> Hey, wanna hear my Marlon Brando impression?

> "What can I do for you," Dax asked.
> "Am I correct in assuming that you are the current host of the
> Trill symbiont that was housed in Curzon Dax?" Spock asked.

CROW: Is that a symbiont in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

> Dax looked a bit amused. "Yes I am, Spock. Curzon liked you an
> awful lot."
> "I had a great deal of respect for him," Spock replied. What
> Spock didn't tell her was how much Curzon Dax had reminded him of Leonard
> McCoy. "I am curious, however. How much of his personality is contained
> within you?"
> "Curzon always thought that you Vulcans weren't much for tact,"
> Dax said, grinning.
> "I apologize if I have offended you," Spock said, sitting down on
> a wooden chair.
> "Don't. Curzon always liked that about you Vulcans. May I offer
> you some Sel'naht tea, Spock?"
> Spock raised his left eyebrow. "Certainly, Commander. It has
> been over three years since I last had Sel'naht tea."
> "Are you surprised at something, Spock?"
> "I must admit that it is somewhat bizarre speaking to someone who
> I knew as an elderly male, who is now a young female."
> "Well, Spock, you might say that both of us have been
> reincarnated in our own ways," Dax said, offering him a cup. "To the
> reincarnated."
> Spock accepted the toast, and then took a sip. It was quite acceptable.

TOM: No one will be seated during the thrilling "Sel'naht tea sequence."

> "So, Spock, as Curzon used to say, let's talk shop.

CROW: Ho ho, that Curzon - what a way with words!

> What brings
> you to this neck of the woods?"
> Spock took another sip of his tea. "It is my understanding that
> relations between the Federation and the Klingon Empire have...shall we
> say...become more strained than they have been in a very long time."
> "So you've decided to pull another Khitomer?" Dax asked.

CROW: <Spock> No, but would you pull my finger?

> "No," Spock replied. "I intend to attempt to invoke a much older
> treaty...that which was imposed upon the Federation and the Klingon
> Empire at Organia..."

VOICE: Sure, invoking a treaty which both sides were forced to sign under duress
*always* works in international law!
TOM: Huh?
MIKE: Oh, just ignore him....

>
> TO BE CONTINUED
>
> SPOILERS AHEAD
>
> PLEASE DON'T READ IF YOU DON'T WANT HINTS AS TO WHAT HAPPENS NEXT
>
> BECAUSE I'D HATE IT IF YOU WERE
>
> HORRIBLY TRAUMATIZED

CROW: Oh, don't worry. You've already taken care of that part.

>
> OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT
>
> GEE, MAYBE YOU COULD EVEN SUE
>
> OVER IT.................................................
>

CROW: Hey, not a bad idea! Do you think Dr. Forrester might have Johnnie
Cochran's phone number handy? Maybe we can start a class action
suit against Stephen Ratliff while we're at it!

> Next time: Well, now that we know that this has something to do
> with Organia, do you know who the final player to be introduced into this
> little game is? There is, of course, a hint in the title of this tale.
> Plus, Picard and Worf catch up on old times...
>
>

CROW: MIKE, CAN WE

TAKE A BREAK

FROM THIS?

THIS FANFIC

IS STARTING

TO AFFECT MY

LANGUAGE CIRCUITS.

MIKE: Yeah, let's get out of here before the next chapter starts up.

[1...2...3...4...5...6...]

CROW: I'M NOT GOING

TO BE STUCK

LIKE THIS,

AM I?

PAGE

DOWN

IF YOU DON'T

WANT TO SEE

SPOILERS

MIKE: <turns screwdriver> No, I think I've got it fixed now. Try your
language circuits now, Crow.
CROW: <sexy female voice> Hi, I'm Candy T. Robot! I'd like to be your special
phone friend. Give me a call at 1-900-O-BITE-ME. I guarantee you
*won't* be disappointed!
MIKE: Uh oh, I think I've got some more work to do. We'll be right back....
<hits flashing Commercial sign button>
CROW: And remember, it's only $2.99 a minute, so call now....

MIKE: OK, we're back, and Crow's back to his normal self. You know, the
fanfic we're reading right now is a crossover, albeit one entirely
within the Star Trek universe. Crossovers, no matter how unlikely,
have always been a staple of fan fiction, delighting over several
readers for decades!
TOM: How true, Mike. And more crossovers are released on Usenet almost
every week!
CROW: <back to his normal voice> Yeah, like my upcoming 85-part epic
Man from UNCLE/Man from Atlantis/Space:1999/Space: Above and Beyond/
Dukes of Hazzard/Roadhouse crossover, "My Way or the Interdimensional
Highway!"
MIKE: <pauses> Uh, yeah, good example, Crow! But we were thinking, why don't we
see more crossovers in other settings, such as, oh, board games? So we
each came up with our own ideas for crossovers between some of our
favorite games. Let's start with yours, Tom!

TOM: Mike, did you know that many of your classic games use grids of rows and
columns? But until now, nobody ever did anything about it! My game
combines the intellectual and educational challenge of word play with
the exhilarating thrill of adventure on the high seas! It's a little
something I like to call... Scrabbleship! Here, Crow and I will show
you how it works.

TOM: OK, my word is "Quonset," as in "Quonset hut," and that gives me, counting
the Double Letter Score for the Q.... 56 points!
CROW: <downcast> hit. Well, I'll put the letter I next to your N in "Quonset,"
spelling the word, um, "in," for, um, 2 points, and hitting D5.
TOM: Miss! Now, building off the T in "Quonset," I'll put down the word "zygote,"
for 76 points including the Triple Word Score, and hitting F1, F2, F3, F4,
and F5.
CROW: You sunk my battleship!!!!
MIKE: Well, better luck next time, Crow. Why don't you show us your crossover?

CROW: OK. Do you like to take over the world? Sure, we all do! I combined
one of the classic games of multi-player strategy, Avalon Hill's
Diplomacy with Steve Jackson Games' multiplayer conspiracy game,
Illuminati: New World Order. I call it "INWOplomacy."

<Crow and Tom sit down to play. A board displaying a map of Europe, with wooden
pieces depicting armies and fleets is on the table, along with numerous
cards for each player>
TOM: Time to read orders.
CROW: I'm convoying Army Belgium to London, supported by Fleet North Sea, the
Libertarians, the CIA, and Princess Di. Since you only have Army Wales,
MI-5 and the Multinational Oil Companies eligible to support, looks like
you can kiss London goodbye!
TOM: Um, let's see.... I use the Nuclear Power Plants' action token to cancel
your attack. That's legal, right?
CROW: D'OH!!!!

MIKE: My crossover game combines a classic mystery with all the blood-and-guts
action of a classic war game. The name: Cluetego!

CROW: <rolls dice and moves the "Mr. Green" piece> I say it was, um, Colonel
Mustard, who I think is a 7, in the Billiard Room, with the bomb.
MIKE: <picks up a red Stratego piece and slams it down on the game board next
to Crow's piece, knocking it off the board.> CLUE-TEEE-GOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
CROW: Mike, I still don't think I understand the rules to this game....

MIKE: Finally, Gypsy has a game to show us. I know she's put a lot of work
into it, so let's see what she's got.
GYPSY: My game combines the "Knight Rider" board game with the "Voyage to the
Bottom of the Sea" game. I call it - THE RICHARD BASEHART GAME!!!!!!

MIKE: Good job, Gypsy! Um, I guess you really cut straight to the crucial
elements that made both games work....

[Flashing lights and buzzers go off. Chaos.]

MIKE: Aaahhh, we've got Fanfic Sign!!!!!

[6...5...4...3...2...1...]

> Subject: TOS/TNG/DS9-Defiant Errand 04/??
> From: wels...@tao.sosc.osshe.edu (Todd Wels)
> Date: 1996/04/17
> Message-Id: <4l2918$8...@osshe.edu>
> Organization: Oregon State System of Higher Education
> Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
>

CROW: <grumbling> I can't even win my own game....
MIKE: Cheer up, Crow! Maybe you can try your hand at the Richard Basehart
Game later on.
CROW: Oh, joy....

> DEFIANT ERRAND PART FOUR: REACQUAINTANCE:
>
> It was good to see Worf again, Jean-Luc Picard decided, as he and
> his former security chief roamed the halls of DS9

TOM: looking for babes.

> . It had seemed that
> Worf was often "out of the loop" as far as Picard was concerned in their
> days aboard the Enterprise. Usually, Picard found himself in
> consultation with Will Riker or Data, or even Deanna Troi. And, of
> course, he was friends with Beverly Crusher...but Worf always seemed to
> be separate from all of them, even during his...relationship with Deanna
> Troi.
> "Deanna sends her greetings," Picard said, noting the way that
> Worf tensed up when he said her name.
> "How is she?" Worf asked, without bothering to look at his former captain.

CROW: Oh, if you've seen one former captain, you've seen 'em all....

> "The last thing I heard from her was that she had taken two weeks
> off to visit her mother on Betazed...she came back, of course, within
> three days."
> "How is Data?" Worf asked, changing the subject.
> "He is doing quite well at the Academy, although some of his
> students complain about his attempts it humor. Geordi has been doing
> some research at the Cochrane institute with Captain Scott on improving
> warp drive performance.

MIKE: <Picard> Very interesting research. Captain Scott says adding two
liters of bourbon per day to the matter-antimatter mix improves
engine performance by 17 percent!

> Beverly is, of course, doing some work with
> Starfleet Medical...and Will has taken a leave of absence...I think that
> he took the loss of the Enterprise pretty badly. How are you, Mr. Worf?"
> Worf took several deep breaths. "It has been rather...difficult...here."

TOM: What, does Worf have asthma now?
CROW: <Lloyd Bridges> By this time, my lungs were aching for air!

> "I think that acclimation to the fact that we are no longer the
> crew of the Enterprise has been very difficult for all of us. I imagine
> that after such an ordered existence aboard the Enterprise, living here
> on the station would be rather difficult for you," Picard said, noting
> that they were walking toward the Ferengi's bar.
> "I do not live aboard the station," Worf replied.
> "Then where do you live, Mr. Worf?"
> "I live aboard the Defiant, sir."
> The Defiant??? "But there are no recreational facilities aboard
> the Defiant..."

MIKE: No phones! No lights! No motor car! Not a single luxury!

> "But there is order."
> Suddenly Picard's commbadge chirped. "Sisko to Picard,"
> "Picard here," Picard replied.
> "Captain, the shuttlecraft Amar is here with 'Mars' on board, at
> docking bay four."
> "On my way...Picard out."
> They took the lift to Bay four, and when they exited they found
> that Sisko and his command crew were waiting. The airlock hissed open
> and out stepped one of the most famous Klingons of all time: Da'Har
> Master Kor...
>
> TO BE CONTINUED...
>
> SPOILERS FOLLOW
>
> AS USUAL
>
> BECAUSE I LIKE
>
> TO TEASE YOU ALL
>
> AREN'T I MEAN THAT WAY?
>
> ANYWAY, YOU KNOW THE DRILL,
>
> DON'T PAGE DOWN UNLESS
>
> YOU WANT A MINISCULE
>
> PORTION OF THE NEXT ENTRY
>
> "SPOILED" FOR YOU
>
> Next time: Well, I'm sure you all guessed who the final player
> was in this little story.
> In the next chapter, Ambassador Spock will reveal his plan for this
> mission. Also...what is the secret that Spock holds that will drive a
> wedge between Captain Sisko and Captain Picard...

TOM: Will Claudia's affair with Eric doom her marriage to Gennady?
MIKE: Will Marah and Shane learn the truth about Vanessa?
CROW: And what about Scarecrow's brain?

> you'll see...
>
>

TOM: Tomorrow, on another dramatic episode of "Get a Life to Live."

>
>
>
>
>
> Subject: TOS/TNG/DS9-Defiant Errant 05/??
> From: wels...@tao.sosc.osshe.edu (Todd Wels)
> Date: 1996/04/17
> Message-Id: <4l29a4$8...@osshe.edu>
> Organization: Oregon State System of Higher Education
> Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
>
> DEFIANT ERRAND PART FIVE: THE YANKING OF THE RUG

CROW: Hey, Kirk's going to be in this chapter!
TOM: <singing> It's the majesty of Rock, the pageantry of Roll, the
yanking of the rug, the scoring of the goal!

>
> Major Kira Nerys was quite often one of those people who
> complained fiercely and bitterly when there were only minor problems,

MIKE: <Kira> Jadzia! How many times do I have to tell you? NO MORE
WIRE HANGERS - *EVER*!!!!!!!!!

> and
> who simply bore them when they were quite large. Constable Odo was very
> much the same way. Right now, both of them were standing in front of
> Captain Benjamin Sisko's desk...and both were complaining.
> "The longer that Ambassador Spock stays aboard this station, the
> more difficult that it is going to be to guarantee his safety," Kira
> said, in a tone of what Ben thought of as "respectful indignance."

TOM: And what others thought of as, well, "dull surprise."

> "The major is right, Captain," said Odo in his growly voice. "My
> men are being diverted from other major functions, as are Eddington's
> Starfleet personnel. Just yesterday, we nearly missed inspecting a
> Bolian freighter, which turned out to be chock full of contraband."

CROW: <Odo> Which reminds me, Captain, your copy of "Lusty Orion Beach Party
Babes III" is waiting for you in my office.

> "I understand that this creates unique challenges,
> Constable...Major, but for Ambassador Spock to have left Romulus, his
> mission must be one of incredible importance. Look at the people that
> the Ambassador has been able to gather. Apparently, Starfleet agrees
> with my assessment...and, that means that we will simply have to make
> some sacrifices to make sure that Ambassador Spock is protected."

MIKE: <Sisko> Odo, go find a goat. Kira, go get the ceremonial knife.
I'll perform the offering to Ba'al personally.

> Odo grimaced (well, more than usual). "This would have been a
> lot easier if I had been allowed to get Quark off of the station."

TOM: I don't understand. I thought Quark has been off *all* the stations
since, what, 1978?
MIKE: I guess they're getting the reruns on Deep Space Nine....

> Ben sighed. He knew that Quark was going to come into this
> sooner or later. "Odo, if you could, you would probably shove Quark out
> of an airlock...and I realize that. However, I have an alternative
> perspective to offer. Quark's bar is colorful and noisy,

CROW: Just like T.G.I. Friday's!

> and just might
> draw attention away from Ambassador Spock."
> "Or it might just provide enough cover for an assassin," Kira
> said. "Remember the experience we had with Shakaar?"

CROW: No, but I do remember Chaka Khan....
TOM: Chaka Khan... Chaka Khan... Chaka... KHAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!

> Ben noted a distinct look of discomfort which crossed Odo's
> features. "I am certain that Constable Odo will see to it that such
> incidents do not occur," Ben said, his tone quite icy. "Do you have
> anything further?"
> "No, sir," Kira replied.
> "Then you're dismissed."
> As they left, Ben leaned back in his chair. Of course, Kira and
> Odo were correct, to some degree. All of this cloak-and-dagger stuff

CROW: With Dabney Coleman!

> was
> having its effect on the day-to-day operation of the station, and Ben
> would've had to be blind to miss it.
> And then, there was something else...it was the fact that Picard
> was here. He knew that it was ridiculous...

CROW: <Sisko> But, dammit, the clown suit helps me relax!

> but there was still a portion
> of his mind that reacted strangely to the man...expecting to hear the icy
> voice of Locutus of Borg. Dammit, that was a long time ago, and Ben had
> forgiven Picard...hadn't he?
> Or was there some portion of Ben that still thought that if
> Picard had fought a little harder...proved too difficult to assimilate,
> that Ben's family would still be complete...that Jennifer would still be
> alive...that thousands wouldn't have died in a meaningless struggle
> against the Borg at Wolf 359...

TOM: <Sisko> That I... wouldn't... be... speaking like Shatner.... Why...
must... Quark DIE????
MIKE: Guys, I think we're rapidly approaching the Shatner joke threshold
limit here.

> Suddenly, the terminal on Ben's desk beeped. Ben turned it so
> that it faced him. On the screen was Ambassador Spock. "What can I do
> for you, Ambassador?"
> "I realize that it may be somewhat inconvenient, Captain, but as
> time is of the essence, I would like to hold the briefing as soon as
> possible."
> "Certainly, Ambassador," replied Ben, and he closed the channel.
>
> Minutes later, Ben entered the briefing room and took his place
> at the head of the table. He noted that all of his staff were there, as
> well as Da'Har Master Kor and Picard.

TOM: What is a Da'Har Master, anyway?
MIKE: Um, I guess it's a guy who's really good at Da'Haring? I flunked out
of Klingon Language Camp, so I'm really not sure....
TOM: Is a Da'Har one of those Klingon sword-thingies that look cool but
would be totally useless in a genuine fight?
CROW: No, that's a "Bat'telh."
TOM: Oh, I see *someone's* subscription to Starlog is still fully paid up!
CROW: Hey, I only buy it for the pictures!
MIKE: Be nice, guys.
TOM: Isn't Da'Har the capital of Senegal?
MIKE: No, that's Dakar, I think.
CROW: Maybe Da'Har is just Klingon for Sampo?
MIKE: Huh? What's Sampo?
TOM: <sighs> Oh, Mike.... It's like they say about jazz. If you gotta ask,
you ain't never gonna know.
CROW: Well, whatever it is, you can never have too much money or too much
Da'Har, that's what I've always heard.

> A moment later, Ambassador Spock
> walked into the room, carrying a data padd. Ben found it hard not to
> admire the confidence in the Vulcan's step.

TOM: With confidence in his step, Spock is modeling the latest suit
from Giorgio Armani's new fall line. It's a look that says "Sure,
I'm a Vulcan, but I'm hip, I'm happening, I'm ready for business!"
And it's a look versatile enough to go from a day at the office to
a fun-filled night on the town!

> He also noted how quickly
> Bashir and O'Brien's chit-chat subsided as the Vulcan entered the room.
> "Greetings," said Spock, somewhat formally. "I must apologize
> for the level of secrecy surrounding this mission. It is my hope that
> this briefing will serve to clear the air, so to speak.

CROW: Especially after the Da'Har that Kor just cut loose. Phew!

> "It has been nearly a year since the Klingon Empire
> severed its treaty with the Federation, and made its attack on the
> Cardassian Rim Worlds. It is my hope that this mission will cease the
> hostilities that have occurred between the Federation and the Empire."
> Ben did his best not to act startled as Kor slammed his fist to

CROW: punch Spock in the ear! Then he got up and kicked Picard's kneecap!
Then he took out his Da'Har and sprayed hot death all over the
conference room!

> the table.

CROW: Oh. Darn.
TOM: Well, it's still the closest we've gotten to an action sequence so far
in this fanfic.

> "We know all of this, Vulcan" the Klingon practically spat,

MIKE: <English accent> Today on "Practical Spitting," we will learn
all about one of the most versatile applications of spit, the spit
*ball*. And don't forget to tune in tomorrow, as we explore the
history and usage of the "loogy."

> "but what we do not know is why a Romulan _sympathizer_ such as yourself
> would wish to end ill will between the Federation and the Empire!"
> The room was silent for a moment...and then, quite surprisingly
> to Ben, Worf spoke up. "Though his language may be slightly
> inappropriate Da'Har Master Kor does raise a good point."
> "Yes, Commander Worf, he does raise an excellent point, which
> should, and will be addressed," Spock began.

TOM: But in the meantime, why don't you address your own points to the
Mystery Science Theater 3000 Information Club! P.O. Box 5325,
Hopkins, Minnesota, 55343!
MIKE: Was that really necessary?
TOM: Cambot can't just flash it in the corner of a Usenet post like he does
on TV, you know.
MIKE: Hmm, good point.

> "I _have_ been working
> underground on Romulus to foster better Vulcan-Romulan relations through
> the teaching of the ideas of Surak...and the philosophy of logic. The
> movement that I lead has been slowly gaining ground.
> "However, this movement toward peace and logic, means that the
> Romulan Empire will be forced to back away from the militarism that has
> defined its existence for the last two hundred years.

CROW: Aw, Mom! Do we hafta? I wanna go out and play Romulans and Redshirts
with the other kids!
MIKE: <falsetto> It's for your own good! Now, go upstairs and finish
your Peace and Logic homework.
CROW: This place is no fun anymore!

> I have no wish to
> accomplish my goals on Romulus, only to have the Romulans crushed under
> the iron fist of a resurgent, expansionist Klingon Empire. In the months
> since the Klingons dissolved the treaty with the Federation, attacks upon
> the Romulan Empire have also risen."
> "And what do you propose to do about this?" Kor demanded.
> "You, of all people, Master Kor, should be the least surprised at
> my intention," Spock said, raising his left eyebrow.
> Ben's interest was piqued by this, and he could see that the
> others at the table were also quite interested.
> "We're waiting," Kor said slowly, almost as if he knew what Spock
> was going to say.

TOM: Da'Harn it, Spock, get to the point!

> Ben was not at all shocked,

MIKE: but Kor's exposed Da'Har did shock the rest of the crew, who had never
seen such a large Da'Har up close.

> when it was Kira Nerys that broke in.
> "Well, could one of you please tell us what the objective of this
> mission is?" she demanded.
> Spock turned to face her. "Certainly," he replied. "My
> intention is to return to Organia, in order to petition the Organians to
> arbitrate a new treaty between the Federation and the Klingon Empire."
> This time it was Picard who entered into the discussion. "I've
> read about the Organian Peace Treaty, and how it was enforced by the
> Organians.

CROW: Spock, you magnificent bastard, I read your treaty!

> However, history also tells those of us who didn't live
> through it, that the Organians, for whatever reason, soon ceased to
> enforce the Treaty, and that there were many skirmishes in the years
> prior to the Khitomer Conference. In many cases, the Federation sent
> messages to Organia requesting arbitration, to which, the Organians did
> not respond."
> "I am aware of that, Captain," Spock replied, "and I believe I
> know why."
> Ben felt that he had been silent long enough. "If the Organians
> haven't responded to any sort of communication in the last 100 years,
> what makes you think that they will respond now?"

MIKE: Well, it's not so much that they haven't responded, it's just that
we've been on hold for a *really* long time....
CROW: Thank you for calling Organia customer service. All of our
representatives are currently meddling in the affairs of other
primitive cultures, but your call is extremely important to us, so
please stay on the line!
ALL: <hum "hold music">

> "In each case, Captain Sisko, the Federation appealed to the
> Organians only when it was in a position of weakness. As Leonard McCoy
> would eloquently put it, "we only called them up when we needed to cover
> our asses.""
> Ben couldn't help but chuckle at the stone-faced Vulcan...which
> is what he was certain that Spock intended. Who said that Vulcans didn't
> know anything about humor?

CROW: Well, I did.
MIKE: Here!
TOM: Me, too!
CROW: I think it might be *Sisko* who doesn't know anything about humor.
TOM: Or the author.
CROW: Good point.

> "Not once, in any of these attempted contacts," Spock continued,
> "could any sort of genuine peaceful intent be discerned. The Organians
> may have simply elected to allow us to behave like the savages that they
> may have perceived us to be. My intent is to demonstrate to the
> Organians that we have advanced beyond that point, which is why many of
> you are here. Worf, you are the first Klingon in Starfleet, and a
> shining example of Klingon-Federation cooperation, having had a great
> many effects on both sides of the border.

TOM: Now, wait a minute. Does anybody else see a bit of a flaw here? The
Organians will theoretically intervene if the Federation and Klingons
show that they're really all nice and peaceful and stuff. But if
they *have* "advanced" sufficiently, what the heck would they
need the Organians for? And why is Spock going to all this risk
when he just has some vague idea of what the Organians *may* be
thinking? Sure, they could be allowing you to behave like savages,
but there's just as much chance that they're off on a 300-year coffee
break, or were just kidding the first time around, or anything!
If the Organians wanted them to show that they're all peaceful and
non-violent or something, wouldn't *telling them* be more effective
than simply not answering their e-mail? Why, why, why?!?!?!?!?
MIKE: Are you finished there, Tom?
TOM: Yeah, I think I'm OK now, just needed to get that off my chest....

> "Picard, you were the first non-Klingon arbiter of succession,
> trusted by K'mpec to choose the Chancellor of the Klingon High Council,
> Gowron.
> "Kor, you fought against Captain Kirk and myself at Organia over
> 100 years ago...but since then, have grown into a

CROW: "Tall and Fat" Size 58 Da'Har.

> proponent of benevolent
> Klingon-Federation relations."
> "All of this is good and well, Vulcan," said Kor, a bit more
> respectfully, "but how do you propose for us to get to Organia? It still
> represents a strategically important point along the Federation-Klingon
> Border."

TOM: <Kor> There are as many as 28 Da'Hars guarding the border!

> Spock moved closer to Ben. Strangely enough, it almost seemed to
> Ben that the Vulcan was just a bit uncomfortable about something.
> "Captain Picard will command the Defiant on this mission," Spock said.
> Ben felt as though a hot knife had been plunged into his guts.
> He felt his mouth open, ready to give protest, when Spock sat the padd in
> front of him. Ben gave it a cursory look, and sure enough, Starfleet
> Command had sent orders specifying that Picard was to be given command of
> the Defiant...complete with Admiral Sean Moore's awkward signature.

MIKE: Ever since "The Marrissa Storys" came out, Starfleet has been plagued
with illiterate 12-year-old admirals.

> Ben noted that many of his crew looked...displeased. He
> especially noted that Miles O'Brien's eyes were flashing disruptor bolts
> at Ambassador Spock.

CROW: Ouch! That could hurt.

> Before O'Brien could speak, Ben shot him a look
> that was sure to silence him.

MIKE: So, is Ben shooting disruptors or phasers with his eyes?

> Sure enough, Chief O'Brien closed his
> mouth and kept it shut.
> Ben felt like a big blanket had been thrown over him.

TOM: <announcer voice> This week on Star Trek: Deep Space Nine: A deranged
Linus Van Pelt stalks the crew of the station, making Captain Benjamin
Sisko experience feelings of insecurity! Check your local listings for
time and station!

> Lead
> weights were suddenly implanted in his cheeks, forcing his mouth into a
> deep frown. Someone was going to hear about this.

MIKE: <Sisko> Ungh! If... I... can... get these... urk! ... lead... weights
out of my... cheeks, that is....

> Spock may have been
> one of the Federation's foremost Ambassadors, and deserving of a few
> bendings of the rules, but this sort of wanton "toe-stepping"

TOM: It's the Wanton Toe-Step! The new dance craze that's sweeping the
Federation!

> was NOT
> something that Captain Benjamin Sisko would tolerate...but now was not
> the time to raise it as an issue, especially with Kor rattling sabres in
> Spock's direction.

CROW: And especially with the author rattling similes and metaphors in
*every* direction!

> "It is," Spock continued, "therefore neccessary that the Defiant
> be prepared for launch by tomorrow at 1600 hours. I would prefer to be
> at Organia within the next two days. I would also like to meet with
> Captain Picard, Commander Worf, Master Kor and, if she is available,
> Commander Dax, at 1700 this evening to discuss the direction that we will
> take once we arrive at Organia."

TOM: I suggest a direction of Da'Har by Northwest, mark 152.

> Ben nodded.
> "That is everything," Spock said.
> Ben's senior staff couldn't wait to get out of the room...and
> neither could Ben. He felt Kira's hand brush his shoulder as he stepped
> out into the hallway. O'Brien looked at him with anger in his eyes.
> Even Odo seemed angry.
> "How can you expect to generate peace between the Federation and
> the Klingons, Ambassador Spock, when

CROW: millions of starving children are forced to go without Da'Har
every day!

> you've just singlehandedly turned my
> whole senior staff against you," Ben said to himself as he strode
> purposefully away from the briefing room.
>
> TO BE CONTINUED...
>
> A NOTE FROM THE AUTHOR FOLLOWS
>
> Well, folks, I hope that you were plenty shook up by these
> events. It was fun writing them from Sisko's point of view. I would
> really appreciate any comments you had, especially on this section, as I
> felt that it was one of the most difficult to write.

TOM: And we felt it was one of the most difficult to read!

> I hope that I
> managed to present Sisko well. Was the use of his first name difficult?
> I thought that it made it a little more personal, which is what I
> intended. Anyway, I would really appreciate any comments, and promise to
> e-mail you back if you do send something. And now...
>
> ON TO
>
> THE SPOILERS
>
> SO STOP NOW
>
> IF YOU DON'T
>
> WANT TO SEE THEM
>
> AND WRITE ME
>
> AN E-MAIL
>
> AM I DEMANDING
>
> OR WHAT?
>
> Next time: Jadzia Dax is justifiably upset, and she's gonna tell Spock
> about it! Why did Spock pull the rug out from under Ben Sisko?

MIKE: Because it's hijinks galore aboard the USS Defiant, as Ambassador
Spock sets a course for *wacky*!

> Stay
> tuned...
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Subject: TOS/TNG/DS9-Defiant Errand 06/??
> From: wels...@tao.sosc.osshe.edu (Todd Wels)
> Date: 1996/04/17
> Message-Id: <4l29g3$8...@osshe.edu>
> Organization: Oregon State System of Higher Education
> Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
>
> DEFIANT ERRAND PART SIX: FURY AND DIPLOMACY
>
> Through the window in his quarters, Spock could clearly see the
> star that lit the morning sky and removed the bitter evening chill for
> both Romulus and Remus. It was most illogical, Spock supposed, but a
> part of him wished that he had remained there. He felt a great deal of
> concern for those he had left behind, even if it was temporary. He
> supposed that he could use a Vulcan rationalization which would state
> that he was concerned that the progress that he had made on Romulus might
> be jeopardized by his absence. But there was also that suppressed human
> aspect of Spock's psyche that simply

CROW: thought about hot monkey love 24 hours a day.

> missed those that he left behind.
> He wondered about little D'Tan's studies of the Vulcan language and
> philosophy. Two of his students, Reylar and Prenya had been seeming to
> get more than platonically involved.
> This presented a problem for Spock. Should he simply allow
> things to take their course in the Romulan fashion, or should he
> introduce them to the Vulcan way, complete with the telepathic bond and
> the seven-year cycle that led to the madness known as Pon Farr?

CROW: Or even worse, the madness known as Jamie Farr!

> Even
> after over a century, Spock still remembered T'Pring forcing him to fight
> James Kirk to the death, quite vividly.

TOM: But it was a kinder, gentler sort of fight to the death.
CROW: Yeah, not like those barbaric Romulans, no sir.

> Lately, Spock had been running into the same sorts of problems.
> That is to say, how much of Romulan philosophy should he encourage his
> students to leave behind...and how much Vulcan philosophy was he himself
> willing to leave behind?

MIKE: <Spock> After getting a load of that Jadzia babe, I think I might be
able to part with that mating cycle thing....

> There was also a thought that troubled Spock:
> how much Romulan-ness was he allowing to infiltrate the Vulcan behaviors
> and ideas that he had struggled for over a century to embrace? At least
> with the human characteristics that Spock had embraced as parts of his
> own psyche, Spock could be assured of where exactly they came from.

MIKE: Las Vegas?
TOM: Reykjavik?
CROW: El Paso?

> Spock had come to terms that humanity definitely had as much claim to him
> as Vulcan did, though he tended to choose the Vulcan path. But Spock was
> not Romulan, and there was a part of him that desperately sought for him
> to avoid acting like one at all costs. Perhaps it was good for him to be
> away from Romulus for the time being. Perhaps it was time for him to be
> around people that weren't in need of being taught anything, Spock
> thought,

MIKE: which means I should get as far away from here as possible.

> as he turned away from the window.
> The doorbuzzer sounded.
> "You may enter," Spock said, knowing in all likelihood what would
> happen next.
> Spock's...intuition (Jim Kirk would've called it a "hunch") was correct.
> Jadzia Dax didn't walk through the door as much is she literally
> stormed through it.

CROW: Hey, it's Kool-Aid Man!
TOM: <singing> Oh, yeahhhh....

> The door had barely hissed shut before she shouted:
> "How could you do that?!"
> There was something about her that was very much in common with
> Curzon, Spock thought. Of course, the logical conclusion was that it was
> a characteristic which was possessed by the actual Dax symbiont rather
> than any individual host. At any rate, the characteristic reminded him a
> great deal of Leonard McCoy.

TOM: Didn't he say that Curzon reminded him of McCoy, too?
CROW: You were paying that close attention?
TOM: Hey, I think this might be the clue to unraveling the whole fanfic!
Think about it: Have you ever seen Dr. McCoy and Dax in the same
room together?
MIKE: Well, no, but....
TOM: Then read on! I've got a good theory developing here.

> Leonard McCoy was one of Spock's closest
> friends, and a shining example of humanity. But, he could also be
> incredibly irrational, and somewhat irritating. It was this irritation
> that Spock felt now.

TOM: See! The same irritation! OK, so he's got a better figure now, but
this is McCoy, I'm sure of it!

> "I assume that you are referring to my request that Captain
> Picard command the Defiant on the mission to Organia," Spock said,
> motioning for Dax to sit down.
> "And that her _captain_Benjamin Sisko not?" Dax said, an entirely
> unpleasant grimace-smile crossing her features. "Good guess."

TOM: And there's the famous trademarked McCoy grimace-smile!

> "Of course, you are aware of the fact that I am truly under no
> obligation to discuss my decision-and it was _my_decision, with you.
> However, given our history..."
> "Given our history, you _owe_me, Spock," Dax said. "And you know it."

TOM: And see? History! Who else could it be?

> Spock nodded. Curzon Dax had been a great ally to Spock in
> various negotiations with the Klingons during the Cardassian War, even
> saving his life at one point. Among Vulcans, it would have been
> considered the logical thing to do...but among other humanoid species, it
> often seemed to confer some sort of debt.
> "It has a great deal to do with how Benjamin Sisko is perceived
> within both the Klingon and Romulan Empires," Spock began, being very
> cautious in his selection of words.
> "What does that mean?" Dax asked.

TOM: And I've heard McCoy ask that question before, too!
MIKE: Tom, I think you can give this theory a rest, now. A-plus for effort,
though!

> "Simply put, Benjamin Sisko is seen in some circles as a
> 'backyard dictator',

TOM: ...the hell?
CROW: "Benjamin Sisko - Backyard Fuehrer."
MIKE: <Sisko> Und all ze citizens who refuse to barbecue... vill be SHOT!!
CROW: But first, haff some hors d'oeuvres - VHICH MUST BE OBEYED AT ALL TIMES!

> which is to say that he has zealously guarded this
> area of space so as to insure his own personal gain. The presence of the
> Defiant, which is, I understand _the_most powerful ship in the entire
> Federation, here is seen as further evidence of this. In addition,
> Sisko's status as a religious figure within the Bajoran religion also
> adds precedence to this belief.

MIKE: And, frankly, the Pope hat just doesn't work for him.

> Some have even stated that Sisko's
> religious status, and the fact that he has acted in accordance with that
> status, indicates that he is, in fact, engaging in de facto violations of
> the Prime Directive."
> "Bullshit," Dax said.

CROW: Hooker's a good cop!
TOM: Mike, are you allowed to use that kind of language in Star Trek?
MIKE: I guess their standards have slipped ever since Data's big scene
in "Generations."
CROW: Oh, so now they can say stuff like "Hailing frequencies open,
Captain Dickweed, you motherfMMMMMPH!!!!"
MIKE: [hand over Crow's beak] Crow, you're heading for a time-out....

> "I do agree with you, Commander," Spock said, raising an eyebrow,
> "though I might have used a less colorful metaphor. However, I have
> learned that diplomacy is often based upon the _perception_ of the truth
> rather than the _actual_ truth.

CROW: Of course, Federation diplomacy is based on neither, but that's
beside the point.

> Benjamin Sisko commanding this mission
> might have been perverted to indicate that the Federation endorses the
> sorts of behavior that Sisko is accused of.

MIKE: Wow, the Federation would make Sisko a pervert just for that?

> "In addition to this, there is the fact that Captain Sisko, and
> this station were recently involved in skirmishes with the Klingon
> fleet. Captain Picard, on the other hand was the arbiter of succession
> for the Klingon Empire...and has not stated his view officially on the
> dissolving of the Treaty...he presents a much less threatening choice in
> dealing with the Klingons."

CROW: Also, Picard has a smaller, less threatening Da'Har.

> Dax didn't look like she liked it very much, but found herself
> agreeing with Spock's logic. "Thank you for explaining, Ambassador," she
> said, and left.
> Spock felt a bit relieved at the fact that Dax seemed to accept
> the logic of his argument as he had presented it to her. He was about to
> get a drink from the food replicator, when the doorbuzzer sounded again.
> Spock had actually wished to be alone, but it would not do to be
> unavailable, especially since this mission was so vital.
> "You may enter," Spock said.
> The doors hissed open to reveal Captain Jean-Luc Picard...

CROW: And he was wearing a pink negligee!
TOM: <Picard> Spock, did your father ever tell you just *how* close we were?

>
> TO BE CONTINUED...
>
> Thank you everyone that commented on Part Five. I hope that part six
> illuminated the decision that Spock made, and made it seem a bit less
> arbitrary. I look forward to hearing your views on part six.
>
> AND NOW
>
> JUST WHAT YOU
>
> ALWAYS WANTED
>
> HERE COME
>
> THE SPOILERS
>
> PRETTY FAST
>
> AND PRETTY
>
> DARN FURIOUS
>

CROW: An AIP film!

> AS WELL
>
> Next up: Picard and Spock discuss the fate of Spock's friend
> James Kirk

MIKE: "TekWar?" Greg Evigan? I don't understand, Captain. Oh, now I see.
A human "joke," evidently. Humor is still a rather difficult
concept for me....

> ...and it's ears vs. ears when Spock and Quark collide...don't
> miss it!
>

TOM: It's the ear wrestling showdown of the century!
CROW: Get ready to RUUUUMMMMBLLE!!!!

>
>
>

MIKE: Well, that's the end of the file. I guess the big ear matchup will have
to wait for another day.

[1...2...3...4...5...6...]

MIKE: So, we got through another one. This one wasn't actually all *that* bad.
TOM: Yeah, it was nothing compared to a Ratliff story!
CROW: I knew Stephen Ratliff. Stephen Ratliff was a horrible tormenter of mine.
Todd Wels, you're no Stephen Ratliff!
TOM: At least in this story, the characters had some personality. OK, kind of
*weird* personalities, but more than they get on the actual shows....
CROW: Too much Da'Har in it for my tastes, though.
MIKE: True. Uh oh, Deep 13 is calling.
CROW: Hey, I wonder who Dr. Forrester got to push the button while he's on
vacation?

[Deep 13. The set is empty, but an unmistakeable theme song can be heard]

[SOL]
ALL: YAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!

[Deep 13. Torgo shambles to the foreground. He is wearing his moldy old clothes,
not his "Torgo the White" outfit.]
TORGO: heLlO. i aM tORgO. I pUsH ThE BuTtON wHiLE dOCtOr fOrReStEr iS AWay.

[SOL]
MIKE: Torgo, I thought you were in Second Banana Heaven as Torgo the White with
TV's Frank! What happened?

[Deep 13]
TORGO: dOWnSiZinG. tHey Had tO lEt ME gO sHoRtLy AftER dElIveRiNG tV'S fRaNk.
noW, i Am mErElY A mAsTerLesS sEcoNd BaNAnA, rOaMinG tHe cOunTrYsIdE -
wAlKiNG tHE eArTH, iF yOu WiLl....

[SOL]
MIKE: I guess in Japan, they'd call you a "shmonin," then?
CROW & TOM: <giggle>

[Deep 13]
TORGO: wElL, i'M dOiNg A lOT oF tEmP wOrK NoW. tHE aDvErTiSeMeNT sAId "rEquIreD
SkIlLs: ABilItY tO pUsH a BuTtOn." tHe mAsTeR dID nOT aPprOvE oF sUcH
tEcHNoLogIcAl dEvIcES, bUt i GoT tHE jOB aNyHoW, aFtEr INtEnSiVE
tRaInINg.

[SOL]
MIKE: Uh, oh, are you guys thinking what I'm thinking?
CROW: I think so, Mike, but how are we going to get a llama and a vat of olive
oil when we're up here in space?
MIKE: Crow, keep this up and I may have to harm you.
TOM: I don't know, Mike, surely Dr. Forrester doesn't conk *every* temp he hires
on the noggin and shoot them into space!
MIKE: But I'm the only temp he's ever hired, so we can't be certain. We certainly
can't afford to take any chances on this one, guys. And stop calling me
Shirley! Say, Torgo.... Why don't you let me sign your time card so you
can take off early. Don't worry, I'll give you credit for all the hours
you need. As one temp to another. Just send it up through the
Umbilicus.

[Deep 13]
TORGO: wEll, oK.
[Torgo shambles over to the Umbilicus, followed by his theme song. He fishes
through his clothing, pulling out various disgusting-looking objects
until he finds a soiled time card, which he puts in the Umbilicus.]

[SOL. Mike is wearing rubber gloves and a surgical mask. The bots also are
wearing surgical masks. Mike carefully takes the card out of the
Umbilicus, signs it, and puts it back.]

[Deep 13]
TORGO: tHaNk yOU. nOw, iT'S tImE fOr ME tO pUsH tHE bUtToN.
[Torgo shambles over to the button, taking a very long time to reach it.
Once he's near the button, he awkwardly leans on his walking stick
with his right arm, while jabbing out rather spastically with the left
to hit the button. He misses on the first two tries. On the third,
he successfully hits the button, but loses his balance in the process.]

\ | /
\ | /
---0---
/ | \
/ | \

[A loud crashing sound is heard.]

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations are
trademarks of and (c) 1994 by Best Brains, Inc. All rights reserved. Star Trek
and all related characters are trademarks of and (c) Paramount, Inc.

Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for parody, review and commentary
purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held by
Best Brains, Inc. or Paramount, Inc. is intended or should be inferred.

"MiSTed: Defiant Errand" is (c) 1996 David J. Conner. Unconditional permission
is granted to repost this work in the Usenet newsgroups rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc,
alt.tv.mst3k and alt.startrek.creative. Permission to repost this work in other
venues will be liberally granted, but please ask the author for permission first
by e-mailing <dco...@clark.net> or <d.co...@genie.com>.

"Defiant Errand" Parts 1-6 are reposted with the permission of the author,
Todd Wels.

This story is meant in good fun, and not intended as a personal attack on Todd
Wels, Stephen Ratliff, William Shatner, Paul Reubens, Zamfir or his pan flute,
Tom Selleck, Tone-Loc, Alex Rebar, Pope John Paul II, Johnnie Cochran, Wayne
Newton, Jack Barry, Zeus, Mars, Pan, or any other deity claiming membership
in the Greek Pantheon.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
> Picard walked over to one of the viewports. Sure enough, there
> it was. He didn't even refer to the ship as a "she." To Picard it
> looked like nothing more than a polished white spearhead tearing through
> the curtain of space.

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