MiSTed: The Biggest Frame-Up of all time
Steve Brinich
of miscellaneous junk. Tom Servo and Crow enter from stage left.]
Crow: What are you up to?
Mike: I need to find a snow boot.
Crow: Snow boot? We're in space, remember? There's no weather!
Mike: It's for the Invention Exchange, all right?
Tom: For shame! Procrastinating like this -- a few minutes to show
time and you're not ready....
[Mike digs up a boot from the junk pile.]
Mike: Oh, knock it off. I always pulled out last-minute miracles
in school.
Crow: Did they give you shots to the shammies if you didn't do your
homework there?
Mike: [Attaching various cords to the boot] No, they had something
worse -- detention with Frank Sinatra music.
[Tom & Crow shudder]
[Commercial light flashes]
Mike: We got commercial sign. [hits button]
* * * * *
Crow: Do you think you can get away with something you just cobbled
up at the last minute?
[Incoming call light flashes]
Mike: Well, this is where I find out -- Dean Wermer and Niedermeyer
are calling. [hits button]
[SCENE: DEEP 13. Everything is decked out for a big celebration;
a trophy (a statuette of a lab-coated figure drinking from an
Erlenmayer flask) is sitting on the console in front of Dr.
Forrester and TV's Frank, who are grinning happily.]
Dr F: Hello, test subject. I've decided to dispense with the usual
Invention Exchange today....
Mike: [Whispered, to the bots] Saved by the bell again!
Dr F: Er, what was that?
Mike: I said, but what about my stabilized snow shoe? [holds up a winter
boot with cords and pitons attached to the sole]
Dr F: It can just wait till next time. What I've decided to do
today is read you the congratulatory scroll I received from the
Mad Scientists' Association after winning First Prize this year.
Ahem:
We, the Mad Scientists's Association, are pleased
to present to Doctor Clayton Forrester the award of
Most Warped Science Project for his groundbreaking work
on the psychophysiological consequences of repeated
exposure to hedonically-negative audiovisual programming...
Mike: What?
Frank: That means making you watch cheesy movies.
Mike: So why don't I get a cut of this award?
Dr F: [annoyed] Because you are mold in a Petri dish! Now, if I
may continue....
...and his reports on the results of this research.
We regret that the other major competitors for this
coveted honor are unable to congratulate Doctor Forrester
in person, due to an unfortunate series of laboratory
accidents.
[Frank giggles and appears about to say something; Dr F elbows him in
the ribs.]
Dr F: However, we are certain that, in the spirit of
proper sportsmanship, they would gladly join us in
wishing Doctor Forrester continued success.
Mike: That's great peer recognition. So, I suppose you can rest
on your laurels for a while?
Dr F: Don't bet on it, spore-brain. I intend to repeat next year
with bigger and better results, which means bigger and _worse_
postings for you! Ha Ha Ha! Send the next one, Frank!
[SOL -- Experiment lights and alarm go off]
Mike: We got junk post sign!
G....6....5....4....3....2....G
>Article 1418 of ba.broadcast:
>Xref: netcom.com misc.legal:74131 pdx.general:5001 pdx.sports:289 rec.skate:10830 alt.hackers:4991 alt.sex:134331 alt.security:13413 rec.radio.broadcasting:4225 ba.broadcast:1418 comp.mail.maps:22250 news.newsites:1901
>Newsgroups: misc.legal,pdx.general,pdx.sports,rec.skate,alt.hackers,alt.sex,alt.security,rec.radio.broadcasting,ba.broadcast,comp.mail.maps,news.newsites
>Path: netcom.com!netcomsv!netcomsv!rgm!espuma!citrus!csusac!daemon
>From: dae...@csusac.ecs.csus.edu (Rev. Pat Robertson)
Crow: Pat Robertson's user name is "daemon"?? Isn't that consorting
with the forces of darkness?
Tom: Crow, it's not "demon", it's "daemon". That just means that
he consorts with the forces of gold-pressed latinum.
Crow: Oh.
Mike: I don't think this post is from *the* Pat Robertson, anyway.
Crow: Spoilsport.
>Subject: Re: The Biggest Frame-Up of all time
Tom: Oboy! Another Kennedy assassination theory!
>Message-ID: <940131...@csusac.ecs.csus.edu>
>Organization: California State University, Sacramento
>Sender: wi...@csusac.ecs.csus.edu (Katarina Witt)
>Approved: to...@athena.ecs.csus.edu (Tonya Harding)
Crow: Any relation to Warren G.?
>Reply-To: pe...@athena.ecs.csus.edu (Peggy Fleming)
>Followup-To: kri...@athena.ecs.csus.edu (Kristi Yamaguchi)
Tom: This is about *skating*?? What about the Kennedy assassination?
Mike: Maybe next time....
>Date: Tue, 1 Feb 1994 04:39:40 GMT
>Lines: 49
> As we approach the Feb 18th deadline,
Tom: For what?
> with each passing day, I continue
>to wait in anticipation for the Great Frame-Up of Tonya Harding to begin.
Crow: Let me guess -- a Tonya Harding groupie.
Tom: Or maybe her mother.
>So far the D.A. has not brought charges, but there are still 17 more days
>to go. And even if no charges are brought, these three hoodlums,
>Gillooly, Eckart, and Stant
All: [imitating Three Stooges] Hellooo, Helloooo, Helloooooo. Hello!
> have made so many lies and false statements
>that Tonya's career is now finito. Some legal experts say on misc.legal
>that even if there were no evidence against her at all that she was
>involved, she would not be able to win any lawsuit against the USOC and
>the USFSA. Thanks to these three hoodlums, she is "dead in the water"
Mike: If she ends up in the water, it's her own fault for skating
on thin ice....
> As far as *I* am concerned, Stant, Gillooly, and Eckart are guilty of
>TREASON against this country.
Crow: Yeah, the skating team is vital to national security. Bite me!
> The three of them injured one skater and
>ruined the career on another. I believe they should be tried, convicted,
>and EXECUTED
Mike: On second thought, just skip right to the execution, since we
already know how the trial is going to come out.
> for comitting crimes against this country and the people.
Tom: [Officious Voice] Mess with the U.S. Olympic Skating Team,
and _die_!
>They have disgraced the United States, I call upon the Federal Prosecutor
>to levy charges of treason against these three, in order to set an
>example.
Crow: Of the kangaroo court system in action.
> I call upon the Federal Government to pass a law making a
>MANDATORY DEATH SENTENCE for ANYONE who injures, assaults, attacks,
>defames, disgraces, harasses, or harangues
Tom: _This_ guy wants the death penalty for haranguing?
Crow: Wouldn't it be easier for him to just call Dr. Kevorkian?
> ANY qualified American
>athelete qualifed to compete in international competition.
Mike: But if you do it to somebody who *isn't* qualified, it's a $100
fine and two points on your driver's license.
> If my law were
>in effect now, Gillooly, Stant, and Eckart would all be facing the death
>penalty for their crimes.
> However, such a law will not be passed until we throw these CRIMINAL
>CODDLING ANTI-CHRISTIAN LIBERAL BASTARDS
Tom: For shame, Reverend! Such language!
> out of our government. End
>plea-baragaining NOW!!!! Pass a "truth in sentencing" law!!!!!! We must
>take our country back from the liberal bastards who are sending us to
>total ruination.
Mike: Aren't we there already?
>Dear Lord: We pray that you will continue to keep Tonya safe from these
>hoodlums are the lies, false statements, and false accusations.
Tom: [exasperated] Continue?? I don't think He ever *started*!
> May his
>holiness guide her and protect her and let truth shine over all. May Your
>ultimate wisdom cause non-believers of her to see the light
>
> -Amen
Crow: And, by the way, send a donation to my ministry.
Tom: Just dial 1-800-GET-A-LIFE. Have your Visa or MasterCard handy.
>THREE STRIKES AND YOUR'RE OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!
Crow: How did we get from skating to baseball?
>RUSH LIMBAUGH IS GREAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!
>DOWN WITH CLINTON!!!!!!
>IMPEACH THE PRESIDENT AND HER HUSBAND TOO!!!!!!!
Tom: Most people have .siglines; this guy has bumper stickers!
>I DIDN'T VOTE FOR THE DOPE FROM HOPE!!!!!!
Crow: So which dope *did* you vote for?
>FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS VOTE DEMOCRATIC!!!!!!!
Mike: I wonder which party _he_ supports?
Crow: The Paranoia Party!
Tom: PEROT/INMAN '96!!
>DORNAN FOR PRESIDENT IN 1996!!!!!!
>VOTE THE LIBERALS OUT!!!!!!
>LIBERALS SUCK!!!!!!
All: [imitation of Beavis & Butt-head laugh]
>END PLEA BARGAINING NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
>ABLOSISH PAROLE AND MAKE PRISONERS SERVE THEIR TIME!!!!!
Crow: Repay the national debt with a tax on exclaimation points!
>Note: I am not cross-posting to as many groups this time.
Tom: Well, goody for you!
> For some reason,
>a lot of systems can not handle cross-posting to 100 groups,
Crow: For some reason, normal people only cross-post to three or four
groups.
> and my
>previous article got "spammed" on a number of sites.
All: [singing] Spam spam spam spam Spam spam spam spam....
>Listen to Rush Limbaugh weekdays on KNBR 68 in San Francisco.
Mike: Do I have to?
Tom: It might be worth it, if this guy can *get* you to San Francisco.
Mike: I'd have to think about it....
>-The Unpriveledged User
Crow: Not as underprivileged as he's gonna be if his sysop finds out
about those 100-group crosspostings.
G....6....5....4....3....2....G
Mike: Well, there's a hard-line approach to crime.
Tom: I think the real issue is how all this is going to taint
the awards in this year's Olympics.
Mike: Speaking of awards, let's see how the party is going down
in Deep 13....
[DEEP 13 -- Someone is at the door trying to get in.]
Dr F: OK -- in here, Frank. [ushers him into the bowels of some
old gadget]
Frank: What does that thing do?
Dr F: [through gritted teeth] If I were you, I'd worry more about
what the Mad Scientists' Association will do. Move it!
[Frank climbs into the maw of the gadget. Dr F answers the door.
Someone in a rent-a-cop style uniform enters.]
Cop: We have a report that this person was seen lurking around
the labs of the other scientists who had experiments blow up
on them. [Holds up police sketch of TV's Frank] Do you know
anything about this?
Dr F: Why, no. Is there some indication of foul play?
Cop: The Association is just running an investigation, sir. We
have to cover all the bases.
Dr F: Quite understandable. In my opinion, it's just that those
other mad scientists got a bit complacent and careless, letting
experiments run without supervision, and so on. Speaking of
which, you'll excuse me a moment while I shut down an experiment
of my own.
Cop: All right.
[Dr F walks over and pushes the button.]
[VOICEOVER: Frank sneezes.]
MiSTing by Steve Brinich
\ | /
\ | / Mystery Sceince Theater 3000 and associated characters
\|/ are the property of Best Brains, Inc. and used here
----O---- for satirical purposes only.
/|\
/ | \ This post is not intended as a personal attack upon
/ | \ the original author, and is meant only as entertainment
and commentary on the content of the original post.
>Note: I am not cross-posting to as many groups this time. For some reason,
>a lot of systems can not handle cross-posting to 100 groups,