[MSTing] End of Mobius, Part 1 (2 of 6)

[Shay Caron]

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"End of Mobius, Part 1", by Dave Bulmer
MSTing by Shay Caron (glee...@aol.com)
http://protection.keenspace.com/
Part 2 of 6

[ Everyone enters the theater. Crow is still wearing the big bushy mustache. ]
CROW: Guys, that was most emphatically not funny.
TOM: Come on, you were askin' for it.
MIKE: That's what you get for being evil.

> 1
> Metallix

TOM: That's that new dance club, isn't it?

>
> Sonic's eyes flicked open.

TOM: So we're finally in the story now?
CROW: Yah, looks that way.

> He felt a bead of sweat slither down
> his face. All he could hear was the pound of his heart and the imaginary
> voice still shouting into his brain

MIKE: "REDRUM!!"

> 'Destruction of Sonic 97%
> probability'.

CROW: [ sarcasm sequencer ] Yeah, that'd scare *me*.
TOM: Maybe it's scarier when you're Sonic.
CROW: Maybe it's scarier when you're an *idiot*.
TOM: That's kinda the point I was making.

> He had had the nightmare again. The nightmare he had most
> nights. He would be standing on a planet miles above Mobius, and then
> Metallix would attack.

MIKE: Cream pies would fly!

> The Brotherhood of Metallix.

TOM: Ah, darn, the KKK's meeting again.

> The elite army of Mecha-Sonics,
> each one with equal strengths and weaknesses to Sonic.

CROW: So just poison their chili dogs and they're done for.

> The first time he
> ever encountered a Metallix was on the Miracle Planet.

TOM: Where dreams can--wait, I said that.

> It only appeared
> once a month over Mobius,

[ Everyone coughs loudly and tries to avoid looking at the others. ]
CROW: Oh. ...It's a female planet, then?
MIKE: Yeah, let's just go with that.

> and was usually as beautiful as Mobius had
> once been, but that month

MIKE: It got swapped with Pluto.

> it was chained to the rocks around the
> Neverlake,

CROW: Odd name for a desert.

> and was covered in machinery. He had fought to save Amy Rose,
> that annoying little runt,

CROW: Yeah, tell us about it.

> and had almost been killed. But that was a
> long time ago.

TOM: In a galaxy far, f--sorry.

> He was more experienced these days and Amy Rose was a lot
> more mature. Still, he kept dreaming about the Brotherhood.

MIKE: *Never*lake, Brother*hood*, I keep thinking clay is going to be
involved.

> A useless
> fear.

MIKE: A wussy fear.

> He had been there when the Freedom Fighters wiped out each and
> every Metallix. He should have been pleased.

CROW: The ungrateful swine!

> He should have been
> reassured

TOM: Yeah, well, he should have been smart, too.

> Instead the monsters lurked in his dreams every two in three
> nights.
> He had to do something to shake the nightmare out of his head.

MIKE: Will you take that off already? [ snatches Crow's mustache off ]

> He tried going back to sleep, but that didn't work. He jumped out of bed
> and slipped on his red backpack.

MIKE: See, it was on top of a banana peel...

> He left the confines of his hut and
> looked around him.

CROW: [ Sonic ] Hey, I don't recognize this place!
MIKE: [ Sonic ] What did I *do* last night?!

> He was standing in the centre of Knothole Glade, Greenhill
> Forest. This was the main HQ of the Freedom Team.

CROW: Yeesh. Why don't they just call themselves Captain Sonic and the
Freedomteers and get it over with?

> For nearly a year now
> the Fighters had lived in Knothole. Sonic remembered back to his
> childhood when he first appeared

MIKE: But the first game really wasn't that great at all.

> on Mobius having lost all memory of his
> past. He was standing in the exact spot

TOM: Not a millimeter either way.
CROW: You mean "millimetre".
BOTS: [ giggle ]

> where Sophocles, the wise old
> owl had found him and introduced him to Johnny Lightfoot, Porker Lewis,
> Sally Acorn and the others.

CROW: Hey! Hey hey hey you said this wasn't the Archie/DiC storyline! What is
Princess Nutcase doing here?!
MIKE: OK, the report's coming in... Yes, we have officially been abandoned by
the forces of goodness and right.
TOM: Already? That sure didn't take long.

> Now they were not only Sonic's best friends,
> they were also his comrades in saving the planet. They were failing
> miserably.

TOM: The geeks.

> That was why they needed a secret base of operations, and
> Knothole was chosen. The forest had been attacked countless times in the
> past,

MIKE: Perfect. Set up camp where the enemy's sights are already set.

> and now it was the last place the enemy would expect to find
> Sonic.

CROW: Now what kind of logic is that?
TOM: I'd say it's "stupid" logic.
MIKE: Now, now, that logic's just ill.

> Knothole was beautiful this time of year. In fact, it was
> beautiful just about any time of year.

CROW: Especially since it's always, always spring on this planet.
MIKE, TOM: Except when it pertains to the plot.

> The whole place had been
> completely rebuilt. Trees had been converted into houses, rooms and
> tunnels had been built under the ground,

MIKE: They even set up a Ropes Course!
TOM: And a McDonald's PlayPlace.

> and there were watch points at
> the top of almost every tree.

TOM: The UFO would *not* get away *this* time.

> Pathways ran between each building, and
> trees had been reinforced all the way around the colossal Glade;

CROW: Yep, pure concrete, them trees.

> the
> only way in or out was through a log which was mainly buried under the
> ground.

TOM: Yeah, I need to bury a big log every once in a while too.

> This meant that only Sonic, Tails and the other determined
> Freedom Fighters could get in or out, but the amount of other residents
> who actually wanted to leave was phenomenally low.

CROW: And tourism is high. You gotta give 'em that.

> Sonic bent down slightly, then took off, sprinting across the
> path that lead away from his hut. He had to get out of the enclosed
> Glade. He had to run. He had to have speed.

MIKE: I feel the need.
CROW: The need for speed?
MIKE: No, it's more like the need for a barf bag.

> He began to pick up pace as
> he ran, until he was finally going at just the right speed. He ducked
> his head down and began to roll. Still he picked up speed as he span,

CROW: Ick, it's another of those spell-checker-tricking typos.
TOM: Don't be a dummy. Proofread your stories.

> until he was little more than a revolving blue of blue spikes. The
> people watched him go

ALL: And don't come back!

> as he shot towards a small hole in the floor lined
> with wood: the entrance to the log leading out of Knothole.
> He vanished from view, and felt himself twisting

MIKE: [ monotone ] Come on baby, do the Twist.
BOTS: [ monotone ] Bop, bop.

> and turning
> through the narrow tunnel. Within seconds he burst out of the other end
> and uncurled in mid-air. He thrust his nose upwards,

CROW: Do you thrust your nose at me, sir?
TOM: I do thrust my nose, sir.

> giving him a slight
> speed boost. He shot upwards, flipped over three times just in case
> anyone was watching,

CROW: Sonic. The other, bluer Johnny Bravo.

> and landed perfectly on his feet in the Greenhill
> Zone just outside the forest. He broke into a run.

MIKE: But he wasn't careful and he set off the burglar alarm.

> "Whoa! Ten points all round," enthused a familiar squeaky voice
> from behind him.

ALL: Furby!!

> Sonic turned to see the familiar face his foxy friend
> Tails flying towards him.

TOM: [ Sonic ] Aaaahh!!

> Nobody really knew why Tails was born with two
> tails.

MIKE: Probably in the genes.
CROW: He doesn't wear pants.
MIKE: Crow...
CROW: Still, if he *did* wear jeans, that's where his tails would be.
MIKE: Crow, please...

> He had been born in the Nameless Zone, a parallel world somehow
> connected with the Special Zone,

TOM: [ Zone ] My parents say I'm special!

> and it was suspected that he had been
> exposed to radiation from the Chaos Emeralds when they first appeared in
> the Special Zone.

MIKE: Yeah, you're gonna get this sort of thing with Emerald radiation. Two-
headed turtles, five-legged frogs, and two-tailed foxes.
TOM: Oh, of course.

> Tails had learned that if he spun the tails using a
> strange bone-joint he now possessed,

CROW: We just gave it to him for Christmas last year.

> they acted as rotor-blades allowing
> Tails to fly.

MIKE: The first rotor-blade lifts up the hair, the second shaves you clean.

> "Nice day, hah Tails?" Sonic said, not bothering to slow down.
> Tails span

TOM: The heck?!
MIKE: Again?

> his twin appendages faster,

CROW: I refuse to believe that "span" can be used as a verb. Not even in
Britain.

> and just managed to catch up.
> "Yeah, cool... uh, Sonic? Good news. Apparently Porker and his
> team have finished 'Operation NiGHTS'.

MIKE: Ironically, it's 8:34 AM.

> He told me to fetch you and go
> meet him there A.S.A.P."
> "They actually finished?"

CROW: They saved all 300 Mudokons?
MIKE: But I thought Metal Gear Solid 2 hadn't even come out yet!
TOM: I didn't know you could beat *Tetris*!

> Sonic was impressed. He never expected
> Operation NiGHTS would ever finish.

CROW: I mean, the team is such a bunch of *slackers*!

> Porker, the Freedom Fighters' top
> scientist, had theorised that if he harnessed the power of the one
> remaining Starpost on Mobius into an engine,

TOM: It would make one heck of a pizza roll?

> it could travel at speeds
> faster than light.

MIKE: Pizza rolls of the FUTURE!

> He showed Sonic his plans and had been commissioned
> along with a group of technicians and mechanics to build a Nightship

TOM: [ quickly ] Pizza roll.

> capable of intergalactic travel. "Okay, okay," Sonic agreed, "but later.
> I haven't eaten yet."

CROW: That's what the pizza roll's for!

> "Me neither," Tails said, and a mischievous grin spread across
> his face.

TOM: [ Tails ] I wonder how *you* taste!
MIKE: My mother told me never to eat anything blue.

> "Race you to the shady spot!" Tails twirling behind him, Miles
> Prower sped off across the hills towards the shady spot,

CROW: The drug dealer spot? The assassin spot?

> where they
> always ate chilli dogs in the mornings.

MIKE: Just stick a dachshund in the freezer and there ya go!

> Sonic watched him go.

CROW: [ Sonic ] I probably should have told him about that booger.
TOM: [ Sonic ] He's got a cute butt.

> The small, orange fury raced off across
> the undulating hills and valleys that made up the Greenhill Zone.
> Nowadays the Special Badnik Service left Greenhill alone. After all,
> they had the rest of Mobius under control.

TOM: [ ominous voice ] Or so they *thought*!

> They were busy searching the
> vast city of Metropolis trying to find the Freedom Team. As soon as
> they'd searched every inch of the city and moved on to Greenhill, maybe
> they'd move into Metropolis. But not yet.

CROW: The time was not yet ripe.
TOM: Or nigh.

> Metropolis had started off as
> being a relatively small city. But when the Badniks moved in they began
> roboticising everything around the city,

MIKE: Oh, look, Carl, a butterfly.
TOM: Roboticize it!!

> and now it covered seven
> eighths of Mobius.

CROW: So are Sonic and company living in the sea now?

> Sonic's began to run on the spot until he'd picked up enough
> speed to transform his legs into a blue of colour.

TOM: From this point forward, anyone using a color as a noun will be shot.

> Then he stopped
> suddenly, propelling his body forwards.

CROW: Wha-huh?

> He began to run again and
> instantly picked up speed.

TOM: See, this planet had no equivalent to Isaac Newton.

> His friction reducing sneakers helped him run
> faster, and by now he'd learnt to press onto the ground just hard enough
> to still move very fast, even without much friction.

MIKE: Physics be damned!

> He overtook Tails and continued running. He could see the shady
> spot right up ahead, shaded by a group of palm-trees. He lowered his
> head and put on an extra burst of speed.

CROW: Those chili dogs are *not* agreeing with him, let me tell you!

> Desperate to keep up with
> Sonic, span

MIKE: Will you cut that out?!

> his tails even faster. He was doing quite well until he lost

CROW: His mind.

> his co-ordination and one of his tails got under his feet.

TOM: I don't think I could even do that if I *tried*!
MIKE: Well, you don't have a tail.
TOM: Uh, right.
CROW: Or feet.
TOM: Shut up.

> Tails fell
> forwards, crashing into Sonic. Sonic, still travelling extremely fast,
> was knocked off course and careered

MIKE: Oh no, he crashed into a school Career Day!
TOM: [ lecturer ] Now, you see, the life of an accountant is an intriguing
and fascinating AAAARGH!!
CROW: Yeah, then he mows down the Historian.

> off to the left, towards a large
> cliff-face. He quickly rolled up into a ball to protect himself, and
> drilled right into the centre of the cliff.

CROW: So, he's got adamantium quills, is that it?
TOM: Nah, not even adamantium. He's got to have one of those molecular
destabilizers somewhere.
CROW: There's always the chance that he's just full of crap.
TOM: How would *that* help him get through the cliff?

> When he uncurled, Tails was standing next to him, looking
> apologetic.
> "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to, it was an accident..."

MIKE: [ Tails ] You can always just duct-tape your arm back on!

> but Sonic
> wasn't listening.

CROW: [ Sonic ] Shut UP, Tails.

> He was wondering why this tunnel had already been cut.

TOM: Heh, tunnel, you're stupid and ugly and no one likes you.
MIKE: Shut up, tunnel!
CROW: We hate you!
MIKE: You're stupid!
CROW: Shut up, stupid!
TOM: Are we done cutting the tunnel?
CROW: Yeah, we're done.

> He definitely hadn't been in here before, but the centre of the cliff
> was cut into a smallish room.

MIKE: Does Dave write text adventure room descriptions as a side job?
CROW: You are in a smallish room cut from the center of a cliff.
TOM: > GO OUT
CROW: I don't know the word "go".
TOM: > LEAVE
CROW: I don't know the word "leave".
TOM: > BASH CROW OVER THE HEAD
CROW: Violence is not the answer.
TOM: I'll show you the answer! [ starts toward Crow ]
MIKE: Whoa, whoa, guys! [ holds Tom down ]

> There didn't seem to be any more exits
> other than the one he'd just cut, which was providing the only source of
> light in the room.

MIKE: Dave *must* write text adventure room descriptions as a side job.

> Then everything went black.

MIKE: [ Sonic ] Tails! The light switch is *not* a toy!

> Sonic heard the sound of falling
> rocks, blocking the exit. It shouldn't be too difficult to drill through
> them again, it was just a question of finding the rocks in this pitch
> darkness.

CROW: Well, just spin around and point randomly. How could you *not* find some
rocks?!

> "Oh, great," Tails grumbled. "Now we'll have to..." his voice
> trailed off as he noticed two small rings of red light hovering in one
> corner of the room.

TOM: It's green! Go, go, go!

> The rings looked vaguely familiar, but he couldn't
> put his finger on where he had seen them before. He nudged Sonic,
> silently alerting him, but Sonic had already noticed the rings.

MIKE: [ Sonic ] I know, leave me *alone*, Tails.

> The two lights moved quickly forwards, stopping about a foot in
> front of Sonic's face.
> "I've been waiting a very long time for this,"

TOM: [ voice ] If only I could remember what it was.

> came a smooth,
> synthesised voice from somewhere below the lights, which Sonic had
> identified as eyes. A light began to glow from somewhere below the eyes,
> lighting up the figure's chest.

MIKE: Okay, that's just plain wrong.

> As the light got brighter, Sonic could
> see Tails' silhouette standing next to him. He looked back at the figure
> he was facing and his heart stopped for a second. It was one of them.

MIKE: The aliens had come for him!

> The figure was lined with sharp spines and was made entirely from metal
> in Sonic's form. It was

TOM: Pennywise the clown!

> a Metallix.
> Then, as the light became more intense and Sonic became aware of
> a strange humming sound coming from somewhere outside the cave, the
> Metallix shot forwards,

MIKE: [ Metallix ] Oops.

> stopping the instant its sharp, metal nose
> touched Sonic's, with molecular precision.
> "Die," the Metallix said, simply.

MIKE: Um, no thanks.
CROW: Ah, he's "simple".

> "Duck!" Tails cried,

TOM: Simply?

> but Sonic had already dived out of the way.
> Neither the Metallix nor Tails had reflexes quick enough to notice in
> time.

BOTS: [ Metallix, Tails ] Dahhh...

> A strong, bright beam of light burst out of the Metal Sonic's
> chest

TOM: Oh, no! No! That is not right!

> and engulfed Tails.

CROW: [ beam, deep voice ] Mmm, yummy.

> Sonic landed in a crouched position on the floor. Everything
> went dark again. Sonic looked round to see a bright green light emitted
> from Tails' chest.

TOM: Oh, no.

> As Tails vibrated

MIKE: Oh, *no*.

> his whole body began to glow green.
> He tried to scream, but all he could manage was a low moan.

CROW: Oh, *NO*!
MIKE: Okay, I'm just--I have to--I gotta go. [ Mike gets up and steps out of
the theater. ]

> Sonic jumped
> to his feet and tried to think of something he could do to help his
> friend, but all he could do was watch as Tails' skeleton became
> apparent,

TOM: Oh, who's its spouse? [ rimshot ] Thank you!

> and a thin line of electricity shot down his body, erasing him
> from the room as it went.
> "Tails," Sonic whispered in disbelief. "Tails, NOOOO!!"

CROW: That's a pretty loud whisper.

> Sonic
> turned to face the eyes of the Metallix, which were all he could see of
> his adversary. "You... you..." Sonic couldn't think of an insult strong
> enough.

CROW: I find that a simple "Bite me" works wonders in a pinch.
TOM: What if someone takes you seriously?
CROW: Well, then I bite *them*.

> "You lose," said the Metallix, and cracked Sonic in the jaw with
> its fist as hard as it could.
>

TOM: After Sonic stopped laughing his head off...

> "Trevor Croak reporting for duty, sir," the frog said, trying
> its best to salute without falling over. Knuckles couldn't help giving a
> slight laugh.

CROW: Meanwhile, in... Random Scene Change Land...

> "Okay, Trevor," said Knuckles, "you're with J-Division in the
> Woodland Zone."

TOM: [ Knuckles ] Way, way, *way* far away from the action.

> the frog nodded, saluted again and hopped out of the
> hut. "How many more?" Knuckles asked, wearily.

TOM: Um, he just left, Knuckles. Knuckles?

> "That's that lot," Flicky replied,

TOM: Oh, never mind.

> "the next batch are due in
> tomorrow." Knuckles breathed a sigh of relief. Although annoying,

CROW: No one liked him.

> Flicky
> always looked on the bright side since he left Flicky Island

BOTS: [ snicker ]
TOM: What an original name, eh?
CROW: At least Gilligan's Island was named *after* Gilligan.

> and joined
> the Freedom Fighters,

CROW: On the lovely Freedom Fighter Island.

> and that often helped when fighting against the
> forces of evil.
> "Well, I guess I oughtta tell Sonic the bad news right away,"
> Knuckles said, walking out of the hut.

TOM: Bad news?
CROW: [ Knuckles ] Guess who's writing this fanfic, Sonic.
TOM: [ Sonic ] Noooo!
CROW: Don't worry, all will be revealed.
TOM: If we're lucky.

> He dived into the exit log and
> emerged just outside the forest. He looked around but could see no sign
> of Sonic.

TOM: [ Knuckles ] I was *sure* this was Sonic Island! Maybe I took the wrong
turn at Bunnie Cove.

> He was probably in the shady spot. Knuckles made his way up to
> the top of the highest hill he could find, and looked out over the
> Greenhill Zone.

TOM: [ Knuckles ] Oh, look, there's Greenhill now! Hi, Greenhill!

> He could see almost every hill, river, waterfall,
> mountain, lake, cliff and palm tree in the whole zone. Then something
> caught his eye.

CROW: [ Knuckles ] Oh, ick! I thought that was illegal!

> There was a tunnel dug in a cliff edge next to the shady
> spot. He decided to go and check it out.

TOM: [ Knuckles ] Eh, it's probably better than hanging around here.

> Sonic was probably nearby.

TOM: [ Knuckles ] Yeah, that's the ticket!

> Knuckles leapt off the hill and stretched out his arms. His
> spines spread out in all directions, acting as a parachute to slow his
> fall.

CROW: [ Dave ] Look, readers, if I cared about how the real world worked, this
would be a completely different story!

> Knuckles soared through the air, breathing in the air deeply; this
> was the last unpolluted air on Mobius.

CROW: [ inhalation noise ] There, all gone.

> Timing his land perfectly, he touched down just outside the
> tunnel.

TOM: Since when was there a goose in front of the tunnel?

> He peered inside just in time to see the Metallix punch Sonic
> out.

CROW: [ Knuckles ] Yes! Just in time!

> It moved to hover just above Sonic, and the its chest

TOM: [ hiccup ]

> began to
> light up. Knuckles had to think fast to save his friend.

CROW: So he left to go *find* his friend.

> Then he noticed
> a strange contraption seemingly attached to the side of the cliff.

TOM: That's a bungee cord, Knuckles.

> It
> was covered in lights, which were flashing faster and faster as the
> Metallix's chest glowed brighter.

TOM: He really shouldn't leave his pacemaker out there.

> Knuckles smashed his fist into the
> machine, which cracked open and began to spark.

CROW: Thus electrocuting him.

> Grabbing at the
> machine's innards he ripped out wire after wire, until

CROW: He was electrocuted.

> each and every
> light on the device flickered off.
> Knuckles looked back into the cave.

CROW: After being electrocuted? Wow.

> The Metallix tried to blast
> Sonic with the power from its chest,

CROW: I still don't think we should be watching this.
TOM: Oh, I see, it's a Care Bear! It all makes sense now!

> but all it could manage was a few
> small sparks. Glancing up at Knuckles the Metallix shook its fist

TOM: [ Metallix ] You meany!

> then
> turned and fled, burrowing up through the roof of the cave. Knuckles
> didn't stop to see where it went,

TOM: Probably back to Metallix Isle.

> he ran straight up to Sonic and shook
> him. Sonic didn't move. This was serious.

CROW: Seriously *cool*!

> Knuckles lifted Sonic up and over his shoulder. Keeping a tight
> hold on Sonic's feet, Knuckles jumped out of the cave and ran back to
> Knothole.

TOM: Passing under several low branches along the way.
CROW: [ Sonic ] <thwap> Ow. <thwap> Ow.

> It didn't take long to reach the log, but as soon as he got
> there he realised that he couldn't possibly fit into the entrance log
> carrying Sonic. There was only one option.

CROW: Drop him and save yourself.

> Knuckles ran towards a specially built blue spring. It had taken
> months to design and build, but it was very useful.

TOM: The water tasted quite nice.

> It was the most
> powerful spring on Mobius.

CROW: Every 24 hours it sprayed half a mile up!

> Clutching Sonic's feet and head, Knuckles
> leapt onto the spring.

CROW: And got wet.

> Within an instant he was soaring up into the air.

CROW: And wet.

> Clouds rushed past him as he flew, higher and higher, until finally he
> landed.
>

[ MST3K planet bumper. Commercials ensue. ]

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End of part 2
-- Shay Caron
E-mail: glee...@aol.com
Web site: http://protection.keenspace.com/
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