MiSTed: The Drake Raft Field Trip (3/8)
Chris Mayfield
[Continued from part 2]
>
>It was cool watchin' the Aerobee.
Mike: Simple pleasures for simple minds.
> Riff would whip it, and the pink
>circle would shrink as it sliced on through the air fifty million yards
>off into the distance,
Mike: Exceeding escape velocity, it broke free of the earth's
gravitational pull...
> not wobbling in the least, as there wasn't a
>breath of wind at all anywheres. Riff'd sold some bad stuff, or
>something,
Tom: Stuff or something. How much more _non_descriptive can these people
get?
Crow: So like this thing happened to this guy, or someone. And it really
sucked. Maybe.
> to Jeremy Christianson, who'd like O'D'd last week out back
>behind the school. He had come back into the cafeteria for help or
>whatever, and at first Mr. Strickland tried to kick him out 'cause he
>was wearing a bandanna,
Crow: And nothing else.
> but like then he went down and started jerking
>all over the place, right in the middle of the caf,
Mike: In the middle of Naked Lunch period.
> and Jay had to get
>stitches after he'd been elbowed trying to get a good position up
>front, 'cause he and everyone else thought it was a fight. Jeremy died,
>though,
Crow: I can see the author was all broken up over it.
> like right there, and the police all came down to question
>people, and there were five million mini-vans
Tom: Hyperbole: your guide to quality literature.
> out front with radio
>dishes on top of 'em, and we got the rest of the day off, just like
>today. We always get off for drugs, guns and death, and sometimes when
>it snows, too, though the White House effect is kind of ruining that.
Mike: Yeah, I hate it when Clinton keeps it from snowing. What the hell
are they talking about?
>Nobody busted on Riff, though, 'cause it wasn't his fault-- he didn't
>know the stuff was laced with Plutonium or something. He's not that
>way.
Tom: Dumber than dirt, thieving, and promiscuous sure, but he'd never
hurt anyone.
>
>Nobody was supposed to know Travis was blowin' off the Napkin Holders,
>'cause it wasn't out yet that he was plannin' on ditchin' them, if the
>Three Flaming Monkey Buns took him up as their new rhythm guitar, now
>that Fizzy had dumped them for Fluorescent Gorilla Queen.
Mike: Behind the scenes in the dark and shadowy depths of the white
trash grunge music world.
Tom: It's Great Jones Street Redux.
> He was being
>all gay about it,
Crow: [singing] Clang! Clang! Clang! goes the trolley!
> 'cause he thought he was like moving up, or
>something, though he was only moving sideways, pretty much-- he was no
>Riff,
Tom: I know Axl Rose. Axl Rose is a close personal friend of mine. And
you, sir, are no Axl Rose.
> and he never would be-- no matter how much he shot up. Cliff and
>I played in the Wandering Road Warriors, but we couldn't gig too much
>lately 'cause Cliff'd been getting grounded a lot on the weekends,
Mike: They'd stripped him of his pilot's license.
>though really the truth is Cliff could've snuck out pretty easy to
>play, if he'd wanted to, but mostly he's just not into the scene,
Tom: Okay, so I'm a Gen X grunge guitarist in this scene. What's my
motivation?
Crow: You don't have any.
> so
>much. He'd rather read a book, or something. Ever since his brother
>flipped out at Priceton, and took to living in the woods,
Mike: With that nice Mr. Weaver.
> his dad's
>been constantly pissed off at him for participating in any cultural
>events,
Tom: Son, you're grounded. No ballet, opera, or theatre for a week.
> and all the negative vibes have kind of been getting to him,
>psychologically and stuff.
>
>I'd promised I'd go help Dan pick up the kegs for Jay's bash, as his
>parents had taken off just today,
Crow: Ironically, they had left for their weekly AA meeting.
> and I got to hopin' Cliff would show
>up before soon so we'd have time to get down to the Robert Lee Country
>Club and go golf-ball hunting
Mike: Through the fence, between the curling flower spaces, I could see
them hitting.
> before I had to split to warm up with
>Preppy Death at the Cradle. I remember how crystal clear and sharp it
>all was, the view from up there in the tree,
Tom: If only I had my Mannlicher-Carcano 6.5mm.
> like the most normal
>things can suddenly become so perfectly vivid and acquire a haunting
>sort of magic,
Mike: Meanwhile, off in the distance, Chaplain Tappman is burying
Snowden.
> or whatever, when there's no more school; a freeze-frame
>of all the high-schooler people layi ng out, soaking up the sun
Crow: Aging prematurely...dying at 35 of skin cancer...
> and
>sipping out of their coolers, with the Frisbees and aerobes hangin'
>motionless-- it was a trip; but pretty soon like my butt fell asleep,
Tom: Want me to wake it up? I can't believe I just said that. I've got
to get away from this story.
>and I had to start shifting about to get comfortable on the branch, but
>it didn't help at all, for more than a second or two, before I had to
>do it again; and while I was busy doing that, I came to thinking about
>just how long the summer stretched before me,
Crow: Too long for a crosscountry killing spree. Sigh.
> and how it was just going
>to be so hot and humid all the time, and how the air down around here
>always hung heavy when the sun went straight up, and how it like made
>it all so itchy and hard to breathe,
Tom: Ah! The heat! The flies! It's Nam all over again!
> even in the shade; and how lonely
>the afternoons were when everyone else was swimmin, and how this year I
>wouldn t be able to sneak in t he RLCC pool any more, on account of
>that new barbed-wire they got strung up around it,
Mike: Plus the depth charges in the deep end and the dobermans guarding
the poolside area.
Crow: Caution: lifeguard not on duty.
> and with my mother
>being married to like the club president dude now-- she'll have the
>snipers out for me.
Bots: Pchew! Pchew! Pchew!
Mike: North by North Carolina.
> I got to thinking how it could all really suck,
Crow: Much like this story.
> in
>a way, and it made me sad and all heavy and low; for like just a moment
>ago I'd been so high and looking so forward to it all, but now I'd lost
>that high feeling, and my heart was all of a sudden breaking,
Mike: You know, more die of heartbreak.
> and the
>more I thought about how I had no reason to be feel ing down; the lower
>and lower I sank,
All: [chanting] Jump...jump...jump...
> and wouldn't you know when I looked up my eyes were
>greeted by a long, dark cloud comin' down away off on the horizon--
Tom: No fair! Why'd they have to have the apocalypse on the first day of
summer vacation?
>right behind the spire of the main Chapel, and it made it look bone
>white, and brought out all the details. I noticed these little polished
>brass statues up there of like angels or something which I'd never seen
>before, and there was a jet black crow perched on one,
Crow: Nevermore.
Mike: That was a raven.
Crow: Whatever.
> to match the
>incoming cloud, and another roostin' away on top of the cross shootin'
>ou t of the spire's tip. Like I was ready to cry, and I would've too,
>probably, but I heard someone yellin' out my name.
Crow: Actually someone had been chopping down the tree while he was
sitting in it and was just yelling "Timber!"
> I looked off over in
>the direction, and there was Cliff away off in the far distance!
Mike: [disinterested] Wow. That's really, incredibly exciting.
> He was
>running towards me, with that big back clo ud rising over him, cutting
>out across the blue sky, and this gust of wind suddenly ripped through
>the leaves and like about tore my shirt off-- I'm not kidding.
Tom: I'm not making this up. Oh wait, yes I am. Never mind.
> Cliff
>once told me I was some kind of manic, or something. He said he was
>too.
Mike: They're making _me_ depressed.
>
>Before I co uld dismount out of the tree, he came right on a full
>sprinting up to me, "To Dath Swamp!"
Crow: To the Batcave, Robin!
> he yelled as he booked on by. And
>there, not so far off in the distance, hot on his trail, I saw Mr.
>Broder, our swim coach,
Tom: [wondrously] And you were there, too. And you and you and you...
> going off in full sprint, and hot on his trail
>was Mr. Janovic too, the school gynecologist, and I didn't have much to
>say to them, so I was down out of the tree and after Cliff!
>
>Well soon as we made it to the Ghimghoul woods we knew we were home
>free without even trying-- all we did is do what we always did
Mike: So we did it, and then we were done.
> when
>Cliff's big brother Drake and his friends used to chase us home.
Crow: We curled up in a ball to protect our face and genitals and waited
for them to stop beating us.
> We
>made a left behind these pine trees, but soon as that was done, we hit
>the creek, then we ducked down low and hung a left and doubled on back
>through where the creek had sawed away the land.
Tom: Did we just enter the Leatherstocking Tales?
> We heard 'em go on by,
>like so close to where we were pressed up against the bank that we
>could've reached out and touched 'em.
Crow: Hey! It's a subliminal AT&T ad!
> Off into the distance down the
>trail they ran. We listened to 'em fading' through the brush, and then
>we made way on back towards Cliff's house.
>
>"Dude, you crazy?"
Mike: Only when the wind is north-northwest.
> I caught my breath. "They're gonna kick your ass
>next time they see you."
>
>"Yeah, really?" He laughed and skipped a stone along up the creek.
Mike: Wow! I got three on that one!
>"Maybe they won't see me again. But like check this out-- this kicks
>ass. You know how this is Drake's jacket here--
Tom: It's got a map sewed into the lining, just like in Ishtar!
Crow: You admit to seeing Ishtar?
> I told you how all the
>stuff that got sent home. So there I was in Dehaven's office, with
>Travance and Jeremihah, and Dehaven and Janovic were just sitting there
>watching, like fags or something,
Crow: I hate them.
Mike: I know.
> and they dogged on me when I brought
>out my book-- they'd just banned Lord Jim too,
Crow: The horror...the horror...
Mike: That's Heart of Darkness.
Crow: Yeah, but I can't think of anything appropriate from Lord Jim
right now.
> and it's all I had on
>me, but then I like saw my confiscated copy of Moby Dick on Dehaven's
>shelf-- you know, and it's not banned anymore, since they found out
>last week that Herman Melville was a lesbian,
Tom: I...they're...but...
Mike: I know.
Tom: But...
Mike: I know.
> so I went for it, but
>they were being like dicks. So there I was, dude, bored dead, fumbling
>through all the pockets, lookin' f or money or gum or somethin', and
>check out what I found!"
Crow: Fruit Stripes!
> He shoved this crumpled piece of paper at me,
Tom: Do you like me? Yes. __ No. __ Check one.
>which had this skull and cross bone pirate stuff all over it. Then I
>saw it was a treasure map, you could tell, all right, for it had a big
>X marking the spot.
Mike: That's not a treasure map. It just shows were the electric cable's
buried.
> I scoped it some. It was a double treasure map,
>actually, 'cau se there were two X's marking the spot-- three,
>actually, but one was pretty small.
>
>"Do you think
Crow: Not if I don't have to.
> it's real?"
>
>"Hell yeah- dude! Look at these whacked-out places on it! There's the
>Pirate's Cove by a Carnegie sea, and The Wise Old Owl Nest, out past R
Tom: [Brit] Perhaps it was the Castle of Arrrrr.
>elativity Ridge, and here's Blue-Beard Run, and the Red-Avenger's
>Cavern,
Tom: This isn't really happening. This can't really be happening.
Crow: No, Tommy, it really is this stupid.
> and the Sudden-Death Green and Sinner's Sand Trap out on the
>golf course,
Tom: By the Links of Horror and Hellhole 13.
> and this whole region here's Sycorax's Swamp, and over
>here, all these building are part of the Prince's Aft er Dark Kingdom.
Mike: The Jolly Roger boys break ground with new levels of insipidness.
>And here, all these French- looking things, like there're just English
>written backwards; Night-Hawk Hill, and the unnamed-soldier's tavern,
>out here by the Final Mansion With No Home,
Mike: Owned by the Man with No Name.
> and out in the field here,
>standing all alone, the Oak of Death,
Tom: Next to the Elm of Serious Injury.
> and these two points, up along
>this road, both have the Bronzed Truth Seekers of Uassan Dlo.
Mike: Hmm. Uassan Dlo.
Crow: Sobnia.
Tom: Naklab.
> And check
>it out! Heres the key that was folded in the map!" There was a poem on
>it, too:
Tom: Roses are red; violets are purple. Sugar is sweet, and so's maple
syrple.
>
>"Is this of 'round here, you figure? Never heard of like an Oak of
>Death, or anything."
>
>"It's Priceton, man. Check it out! You see anything else?"
Mike: [dumb] Uh, I see a birdie and some grass and you and me and...
[Commercials]
[Continued in part 4]
Hacker0123
I saw a commercial for the last episode today during MST ( the mike Xmas
episode by the way Santa vs. Satan) and i go to the bathroom and cameback
(mabey that detail was unessesary, but moving on) and i see this
commercial with Dr.F unplugging the cord that connects deep 13 to gypsy
(complete with adapter piece Frank picked up at the radio shack, ah frank
we all miss frank) and Penn gelite says "Is the the end of the SOL?" HE
WISHES!!!!!!, anyway you also see a preeview of Joel's new show afer the
last episode, looks funny, hard to descibe over the internet though..
Hacke...@aol.com= Mike Trainor
Any spelling misates you encounter ignore
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