[MSTing] Blood and Metal (Part 6a of 9)

[Shay_...@letterbox.com]

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< - - - - - - - - - - Designed for a 78-letter line size - - - - - - - - - - >
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"Blood and Metal", by David Gonterman
MSTing by Shay Caron (Shay_...@letterbox.com)
Part 6a of 9

[ INT SOL. Tom is pushing buttons on a desk lamp. A clipboard is on the desk,
he has a pencil in his mouth, and a microphone is set up in front of the
lamp's bulb. He's wearing a lab coat. ]

TOM: [ slightly muffled ] Hmm. Well I suppose it's time to try full power.
[ He flips a switch, and the lamp flashes on. ] Drat! Nothing! [ He
writes something on the clipboard. ]
[ At this point, Crow walks in. Hmm. How to explain? Well, he's got red-
orangeish fur, little teeth attached to his beak, and pointed ears on his
head. ]
CROW: Hey, Tom.
TOM: Oh, hello, Crow. I've been doing some tests on this lamp, and all of my
tests prove negative. Allowing for the noise the lamp makes when
functioning, I can't find any way that light makes the slightest noise,
much less enough noise to drown out anyone's speech.
CROW: I'm a fox.
TOM: [ looks up ] YAAIGH!! [ falls backward, with a crashing noise ]
MIKE: [ off-screen, loudly ] What was that? [ much louder crashing noise, like
a large machine vaguely resembling an Apple ][ falling to the ground ]
TOM: Oooh...
MIKE: [ runs on-screen ] What's going on here? I heard a scream, and a crash,
and [ notices Crow ] WAAAUGH!! EVIL!!
CROW: I've turned into a fox, Mike.
TOM: [ gets back up ] Crow, you scared me! This isn't funny!
MIKE: Yeah, I thought Davey had gotten up here for a second!
CROW: No, I'm a fox! I went down to visit the Power Ring Pool, and I grabbed a
power ring, and the next thing I know, I'm a red fox.
MIKE: Mm-hmm. Well, you made me smash my machine! Now how am I going to stop
Davey?
TOM: Let's check down there and see.
MIKE: Well, OK. [ Mike hits the Mads Sign Signal-Thingy(tm). ] Hello?

[ Mobius. Pearl, Davey, and Observer are sitting on the log mentioned earlier.
Bobo is nowhere nearby. ]

DAVEY: I dunno, I just don't think I can *be* evil! I wasn't written that way!
PEARL: Hmm. I have the solution. Brain Guy?
OBSERVER: Oh, of course. [ He does the Observer brain effect. Davey starts to
scream. ]

[ SOL ]

MIKE: My god, what are you doing to him?

[ Mobius ]

PEARL: We're running the entire Blood and Metal series through his brain.
OBSERVER: BaM Alpha, Beta, Restart, and 3D, five hundred times in thirty
seconds.
DAVEY: OK, I'm evil now.

[ SOL ]

ALL: Eww.
[ The Movie Sign alarms go off. ]
MIKE: Oh, we got Self-Insertion Sign!

[ 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1... ]
[ Everyone enters the theater. Crow's fox outline is visible. ]

> ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
> Page 14
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------------

MIKE: Nope, ain't gonna do it, nope, nope.

>
> It was during the time spent tracking Packbell between Robotroplis and the
> Great Jungle

TOM: What about the Great Forest? He hasn't mentioned that.
MIKE: I think he's mistaking a forest for a jungle.

> that Sonic and Tails had their little talk:

CROW: Oh great, here we go with The Talk.

> "I feel alone, Sonic. :::Looks down, drags tails, kicks a rock:::

TOM: Oh, man, he's using AOL-IM-style actions!
MIKE: Can't he just stop the speech for a *moment* to describe an action?

> Like I
> don't belong here."

MIKE: [ Tails ] Like I belong on Mars.

> "What are you talking about?! About half of the Freedom Fighters are

CROW: [ Sonic ] Morons.
TOM: And the others are, like, dumb.

> foxes!"

TOM: That's the truth.
CROW: They need a more varied attack force.

> "I know, but how many have two tails?

MIKE: Half of them.

> :::Points behind him::: I'm a freak,
> Sonic."

CROW: Yeah. So?
MIKE: Crow, you're being insensitive.
CROW: So?
MIKE: Never mind.

> "You're 12 now, so I know what you're going through."

CROW: Wait, wait, since when is he 12? I thought he was 10!
TOM: Fanboy.
CROW: Bite me!

> "You don't understand."

MIKE: [ Tails ] You're just a doody-head. [ sucks thumb ]

> "But I do! Every pre-teen goes through this stage of self-depreciation."

TOM: So the accountant says, "You're so accrual, you don't depreciate me
anymore!"
CROW: This has been "Inside Joke Theater 3000".

> ":::Looks surprised::: What?!"

MIKE: [ Tails ] You're nuts!

> "You going through a phase

TOM: Shift?
MIKE: Oh yeah, you going through a phase! You going, you going, you going
through a phase!

> where one special thing about you makes a bad

CROW: Smell.

> impression

TOM: Like Crow's impression of a fox.

> on you, and you start to despise it.

MIKE: Hate it, even!

> Some people don't get out of

CROW: Jail free.

> this phase, and become

TOM: Really, really irritating.

> mentally-impaired, so to speak.

CROW: Know what I mean, nudge nudge, wink wink?

> Those who make it out

MIKE: Get Boardwalk *and* Park Place!

> don't worry about appearance, for they know

TOM: It's not whether you win or lose...

> it's not the most important
> thing.

CROW: Appearance *is* the most important thing! Death to ugly people!
MIKE: Crow!!

> My phase was on my

TOM: [ Sonic ] Lack of pants.

> quills. :::Runs his fingers through his spines:::

ALL: Ow! Ooch! Eek! Yow! Ouch!

> I hated them! They were too sharp,

CROW: Sharper than Sonic, I'll bet.
TOM: Hee hee!

> they were ugly in my eyes,

MIKE: Spines in his *eyes*?! Gimme a break.

> and people
> found it easy to

CROW: [ Sonic ] Trip me.

> put rude remarks on my back.

TOM: Such as "Get Bent"!
CROW: "Bite Me"!
MIKE: And "Zark Off"!

> :::Sally sneaks up behind him
> and

MIKE: Impales herself on his spines.

> sticks a note saying

CROW: Heave a rock at me.

> 'Kick Me' in the back fin:::

TOM: Is he a hedgehog or a fish?

> I tried to shave them
> off, but

MIKE: [ Sonic ] My razor broke.

> Uncle Chuck stopped me.

TOM: [ Charles/Chuck ] <slap> You eediot!

> I learned to like them. They were
> aerodynamically correct for my speed.

CROW: They make excellent butter knives!

> They help me in turns.

TOM: They freshen your breath and whiten your teeth as you sleep!

> They become
> lethal weapons when I spun.

MIKE: They're great as a between-meal snack!

> But, most of all, I learned to think they made
> me

TOM: More annoying than ever!

> handsome."
> "They do!"
> "See! What you have to do is think of the good things of

MIKE: Roger Corman!

> those tails.
> :::Points to the twin brushes:::"
> "Thanks, Sonic. But you don't sound like yourself! Are you

CROW: An idiot?

> sick?"
> "Naah. Missions like these are like long bus trips.

CROW: People throw spitballs...
MIKE: Some smart-alec freedom fighter moons a passing SWATbot patrol...
TOM: Yeah, it's a lot like a long bus trip.

> Everyone shows their
> dark side.

CROW: [ Darth Vader ] I find your lack of faith disturbing.

> Look over there!

TOM: [ Sonic ] A big ugly monster!

> :::Notices note, rips it off::: Sal's become a

CROW: [ Sonic ] Bitch.
MIKE: Crow!

> major trickster. And Davey's writin' poetry.

CROW: Roezuz aar rehd,
Vylits aar bloo,
Eye kin spel reel gud,
End ryme gud--as well.

> Bunnie's real tired. All the
> time!

TOM: Every night and every day!

> :::Bunnie yawns and leans on Antoine::: Antoine's acting cool.

CROW: Yeah right!

> That's

MIKE: Silly!

> acting! You're growing up, and I'm getting wiser. We've all become our
> opposites.

CROW: Oh, it's like that one comic where their evil duplicates take their
place!
TOM: F... no, it's redundant.

> Don't worry, though. It'll wear off after the mission's over."

MIKE: [ Sonic ] I'll get stupid, you'll get younger, Bunnie'll get hyper,
Antoine won't be cool, Sally'll get all serious, and Davey will throw
out his poetry. Ya catch all that?

> "Cool, Sonic. Thanks!"

TOM: [ Tails ] I wanna get younger!

> That was when the team got E-Mailed by Uncle Chuck.

CROW: Oh, it was, was it?

> It was tonight that
> they're gonna act,

TOM: [ shakes for a few seconds ]

> and they are to return to base for final instructions.
> As Tails went, he called up one of the poems Davey transferred into his
> wrist computer:

MIKE: This is the first sentence of my poem.
This is the second sentence of my poem, which came after the first
sentence of my poem.
This is the third sentence of my poem, which came after the second
sentence of my poem, which came after the first sentence of my poem.
This is--
BOTS: ENOUGH!!

>

MIKE: Here it comes, guys, Davey's feeble attempt at poetry.
CROW: May I slit my wrists?
MIKE: What wrists?

> Went into Cyberspace amped

MIKE: And it's a cyberpunk poem.
TOM: Got any cyanide?
MIKE: Sorry, no. Brain Guy confiscated it all.

> Input to the max

CROW: [ rapid-fire typing sounds ]

> I was going for total meltdown

TOM: [ explosion sounds ]

>
> Direct feed

MIKE: I'm hungry!
CROW: Well, let's set up a direct feed!

> No buffer

TOM: Just a bumper.
CROW: And a buncher.

> I charge like a hotline to God

MIKE: [ God ] Not now! I'm watching Baywatch.

>
> Zipzip

ALL: [ snicker ]
MIKE: "Zipzip"?!
CROW: Gimme a break.

> flash slickbright

ALL: [ snicker ]
MIKE: "Slickbright"?!

> chrome ripping

BOTS: One.

> through
> the Matrix

MIKE: Davey reads too many Shadowrun books.
CROW: He's probably only seen the video games.

> at supersonic speed
>
> Neural feedback hit

CROW: I'd like to hit this guy.

> Metabolic overload back in the Meatware

TOM: Is that a new-age restaurant?
MIKE: A 90's rock singer?

> Fevered tissues aflame with

MIKE: Heartburn.

> data

CROW: You might wanna take something for that.

>
> I was burning

CROW: Or that.

> Liquid metal comet

MIKE: Oh great. Sephiroth's back, and he's showing no mercy.

> boiling

TOM: Oiling.

> the data flow plume

CROW: Cyber-peacock!

> of binary stream

TOM: 010010000100010101011001010000110101001001001111010101110101011101001000
010110010100010001001001010001000101010001001000010001010100001001001001
010011100100000101010010010110010101001101010100010100100100010101000001
010011010100001101010010010011110101001101010011010101000100100001000101
01010010010011110100000101000100
CROW: 010010010100010001010101010011100100111001001111010101110100100001011001
TOM: 010010010101010001000100010010010100010001001110010101000100100101010100
010100110100000101010011010101000101001001000101010000010100110101011001
010000010100010001010101010011010100110101011001
BOTS: [ chuckle ]
MIKE: I don't get you.

>
> They could see me all
> the way to Chiba City

MIKE: Let's review, shall we? We've had Duke Nukem 3D...
TOM: Mortal Kombat...
CROW: Shadowrun...
MIKE: Any guesses as to what Davey-boy'll rip off of next?
TOM: Star Wars?
CROW: Star Trek?
TOM: Sailor Moon.
CROW: Chip & Dale.

> All the way to orbit

CROW: I'd like to send *him* into orbit.

>
> Quicksilver

TOM: Isn't that poisonous?

> tsunami of

MIKE: Soda pop!

> thermonuclear

CROW: Coke!

> wildfire

MIKE: Foxfire.
TOM: Wildfire.
MIKE: Foxfire.
TOM: Wildfire!
MIKE: Foxfire!

> Never been anything like me

MIKE: Davey, *nothing* is like you.

>
> Keep Cyberjocks talking for years

CROW: [ cyberjock ] Man, what a geek.
TOM: [ cyberjock ] Totally.

> I was it, man

CROW: [ Davey ] Crap.

> History

TOM: We wouldn't be so lucky!

>
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
> Page 15
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------------

MIKE: I'll catch up after the teens.
CROW: There's only 20 pages.
MIKE: Oh.
TOM: Did you peek ahead again?!
CROW: Well, yeah.

>
> "Me? A poet.

MIKE: [ Davey ] And I don't know it!

> I can't believe it."

MIKE: I was close.

> "Well, Sonny, that's what happens when you surf data for 12 days straight.

TOM: [ speaker ] You die of dehydration and starvation.
MIKE: 12 days?!

> You even sleep jacked in.

CROW: And jacked off.

> I don't think you had a normal night's sleep all
> this time."

MIKE: Odd. I get a normal night's sleep every day.
TOM: Well, I can see--what?!

> The other Freedom Fighters enter the room at this point. Bunnie

CROW: Brought in her parents' heads on a platter.

> fell unconscious on the meeting table. "Ah, glad you're here.

TOM: [ speaker ] Kinda.

> Have a . . .

MIKE: [ speaker ] English muffin.

> seat. Well, we all realize by now that Snivley and Packbell has created an

MIKE: Automatic Macarena-dancing robot!
BOTS: Noooooo!!

> auto-automation of Robotnik."

CROW: Attributions, PLEASE?!

> "Yeah," Sonic said,

CROW: Thank you.

> "guess life's much too quiet for them without Bubberbutt

ALL: "Bubberbutt"?! [ laugh loudly ]
MIKE: Man, this fanfic has the funniest errors I've ever seen!

> around"
> "Of course," Sally adds sarcastically.

TOM: So Sonic wasn't being sarcastic?
MIKE: No, author-boy just forgot.

> "But now they should realize that we can't make their lives easy for them."

CROW: [ speaker ] Otherwise, they'll never learn anything.

> "Davey here plans to take this fake Julian out,

ALL: [ singing ] To the ball game...

> deroboticize me,

TOM: But I thought that they stayed robots, but they just looked real!
CROW: Yeah, well, in author-boy's world, those two things are meshed.

> and destroy
> this Roboticizer Override they have as an ace in the hole.

TOM: FIRE IN THE ACE!! Wait, no.

> It's a device
> that

MIKE: Goes "ping"!

> sets everyone who's roboticized--including myself and Mr. Crockett--to

MIKE: PBS!
CROW: What a cruel fate.

> self-destruct."

ALL: YYYEEESSS!!!
MIKE: Your insensitivity is rubbing off on me.
BOTS: So?

> " . . . man," Sonic was shocked at the news.

ALL: <bzzzzzt>

> The thought of seeing his uncle
> die very violently and without any way to stop it was almost too much.

MIKE: Yeah, it's too much for us too.
CROW: [ wearing a party hat ] You say something, Mike?
MIKE: Aaargh...

> It showed in Davey's face as well.

TOM: A figgy pudding.

> "Fortunately, everything's centrally
> located in

CROW: Marseilles.

> Main Roboticizer #2,

MIKE: Rocket #9?

> so I can take care of it all in one shot.

TOM: [ Canadian ] Yah, just one shot, eh? Just "BLAM" and it's all over, ya
hosers.
MIKE: Note: no offense is intended toward Canadians, hosers, or the letters B,
L, A, and M.

> Good thing too. . . "

CROW: [ Davey ] Don't know why...

> His eyes betrayed the terror he's feeling

TOM: Gack. Gaack.

> as his voice
> begins to wane.

MIKE: It wanes when it waxes and waxes when it wanes.

> ". . . the sooner that override . . . gets off-line . . .the

CROW: Bigger they fall! Wait... that's not right...

> better I-I-I-I-I . . . feel . . . " He began to gasp for air.

MIKE: Heart attack!

> "Yo,

TOM: Dude, homie, word!

> Big Daddy,

ALL: Ewwww!!

> what's wrong?"

MIKE: [ Davey ] Oh, my heart just stopped. No big deal.

> "o-o-oh, it's nothing, sonic. . . "

MIKE: [ Davey ] Yeah, I'm sure my heart will start beating again any minute
now.

> "Notheeng my tail,

CROW: He doesn't have a tail!

> Mon Ami.

TOM: That's the company that made the Ninja Turtles video games, isn't it?
MIKE: You're thinking of Konami.

> You are terrified. It's about ze robot arm or

MIKE: [ Antoine ] Or something else.
CROW: Brilliant deduction.

> yairs,

CROW: [ Carl Sagan ] Billyuns and billyuns of yairs!

> eesn't it?"

TOM: [ Ren Hoek ] You eediot?

> "I-I-I-I . . I don't want my . . . feelings to . . . jeopardize . . ."

MIKE: What is "characterization", Alex?
TOM: What is "overdone drama"?

> "It's alright, sonny."

CROW: [ speaker ] We know you're a wuss. Just let it all out.

> Davey leaned back on his chair, away from the huddle, as he gasped for more

MIKE: Snickers bars.

> air. His face was hot and red, his mouth dry, his eyes shut tight.

ALL: Ewww!
TOM: He's got some sort of deadly disease of doom!

> Bunnie yawns. "What's wrong with Davey Dear? He looks as if he saw a ghost."

CROW: And not Casper, either!

> Chuck went to Bunnie and whispers to her. "He just found out that he's not
> in a video game after all."

TOM: [ Charles/Chuck ] The jerk.

> Sally went up to her oversized Freedom Fighter and held his head in her
> arms.

CROW: In a half-nelson.
MIKE: Heeeey.

> Having learned more than she cared to know about Davey's left arm, she

MIKE: Wrote a book!

> expected him to be a little shaken up on it. She notes about it every now
> and then in her diary. . .

MIKE: "Everything You Never Wanted To Know About Davey's Arm".

> "While the normal roboticized Mobian would wonder what they did to deserve

TOM: The name "Mobian". I mean, isn't it just a silly name?
CROW: Well, yeah.

> such a fate--at least Bunnie accepted hers--Davey Crockett actually believes

MIKE: [ Sally ] In the tooth fairy. What a dweeb, eh?

> that getting roboticized was the best thing that ever happened to him. And

CROW: [ Sally ] It is! I mean, he gets cable!

> since he's an amputee, it probably is. . . "
> "I gained so much with my new arm, princess. . . " Davey said as he looked

TOM: Up Robotnik's phone number to TELL HIM OFF!

> directly into her eyes. "I don't want to have it taken away."

CROW: We do, 'cause it'd end the story.
MIKE: No, then there'd be a sequel about how he tries to get it back.
CROW: Damn, we just can't win!

> "And it won't Davey." Uncle Chuck joined in,

MIKE: Playing Turkey in the Straw.

> placing his arm on Davey's
> shoulders. A clang of metal hitting metal.

CROW: A splat of vomit hitting pavement.

> "We've got a plan."

TOM: [ Charles/Chuck ] Now, we send Davey in to beat everyone up and make
smarmy comments, Bunnie says something with that accent, Sonic and
Knuckles get into a fight, and in the confusion I slip in and do
whatever it is we need to do.

> He then turns
> to Tails.

TOM: [ Charles/Chuck ] And he gets blasted by a stray laser.
MIKE, CROW: [ crowd ] Yay.

> "I'll need your computer, Tails."

CROW: [ Charles/Chuck ] This is a stick-up.

> Tails held up his arm. His wrist com, named

MIKE: Bill!
TOM: Twin!
CROW: HAL 9000!

> Miles, powered up.

ALL: Miles?
MIKE: Oh please.

> "I've got here the blueprints to the override."

TOM: [ Charles/Chuck ] Yep, right here, right in my, er, oh, great, where'd
they...?

> Uncle Chuck transfers the
> data. "I need you to get inside the panel and deactivate it from inside."
> "How would I know which wires to yank out?"

TOM: The red one. It's always the red one.

> "Here," Davey hands Tails a headset monitor. "This'll give you a Virtual
> Reality view of

MIKE: [ Davey ] Your Tomb Raider game.
CROW: [ Tails ] Mmm... Lara Croft... Drool...

> the schematics, and will show you what to do."
> "Cool."

CROW: [ Tails ] Lara's a babe.

> "Davey, you've already programmed the Roboticizer,

TOM: Whaat?
MIKE: Since when?

> so you can operate it on
> me. I've also gave you a full load

BOTS: Ewwww!

> in your Power Rifle, in case that fake
> Robotnik shows up."

MIKE: Spraying pus as he goes!

> "Will do."

TOM: Roger Will do!

> "Sonic and Sally, you two can run interference to get the heat off us,

CROW: [ speaker ] And bring in some ice cream, would ya?

> Bunnie?"

ALL: [ various shouts of "Bunnie?" "Yoo-hoo?" and "Where'd she go?" ]

> Bunnie was sound asleep on the far end of the table.

ALL: Oh.

> "Er, Antoine, would you take Bunnie back to Knothole, and get us some

CROW: Cheese.

> backup."

TOM: Backup cheese.

> "Oui"

TOM: What about us?
CROW: In public?! Isn't there a bathroom?

> "And here, Ant." Davey tosses him a portable holographic projector.

CROW: Where's Davey getting all this mechanical crap?
MIKE: His magical sack.

> "I'll be
> putting out a live feed of Uncle Chuck's deroboticization.

MIKE: [ Davey ] And it'll be pay-per-view.

> I want to put
> this whole planet on notice that their liberation is at hand."

TOM: And the Vogons are scheduled to blow it up.

> "Sacre bleu cheese!! Misu Crockett!! This is crazee!!"
> "Yeah, Antoine. Crazy. Like a fox!"

CROW: In socks on box of clocks eating lox!

[ MST3K planet bumper. Commercials ensue. ]

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End of part 6a of 9
Shay Caron (Shay_...@letterbox.com
-or-
glee...@aol.com)
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