MiSTing: "Hail to the Queen" [PG, STNG, Marrissa] (2/9]

[Matthew R Blackwell]

> Chapter 2

All: ELECTRIC BOOGALOO!

>
> Rejoining the fleet had been dull and uneventful.

Mike: Much like--oh, you know the rest.

> The group of ships had just sat there the whole time with
>nothing occurring.

Mike: Well, that does describe dull and uneventful rather well.

> The Romulan ships moved away from the
>fleet, heading into their territory. The Romulan Empire had
>been stripped of it's war machine without causing any odd
>behaviour in the Federation.

Mike: What exactly IS odd behavior for the Federation?
Tom: When they act rationally.

> The fleet moved off along a
>patrol route.

Crow: Somewhere, a nightingale sang. A frog is dissected.
Pinkerton does not return.

> In the evening, in the lounge room of the
>Enterprise, Jay Gordon stumbled towards the bar, dark bags
>under his eyes.

Mike: Well, sleepin' with Marrissa'll do that to a guy.
Crow: If he looks like that, he should LEAVE the bar.

> "Coffee, 50% caffeine, black." Jay mumbled to the
>Replicator. His voice slow and sluggish from fatigue.

Crow: 50% caffeine? Why not just ask for a bag of crack and
some crystal meth and be done with it?
Tom: Unfortunately he forgot to specify "hot" so it'll come
out all lukewarm and stuff.

> "Having trouble sleeping, Captain?" inquired
>Counsellor Martin Sussex, with a grin on his face.

Mike: A song in his heart and a knife in his pocket.

> He was
>seated at a nearby table. Jay stumbled towards the table and
>sat down.

Tom: [Jay] Ask me that again and I'll kill you, doe-eyes.

> "Oh yes," replied Jay. "Marrissa forgot the evening
>feeding for the kid again.

All: [screaming] WAAH!
Tom: Marrissa would probably stop a war, *just* so she could
feed her child!

> Woke up at two in the morning
>bawling.

Crow: And she cried so hard that Sarah woke up. Sarah went
right out again, but I was up all night trying to put
Marrissa down again.

> Stayed that way until three."

Crow: [Jay] That's when I realized I can't nurse.

> "What happened then?"
> "I took Sarah to her, so she could feed it and stay
>in bed."

Mike: It? Jay refers to his daughter as it?
Tom: I detect a Dark Marrissa moment coming on. . .
Crow: Ahhhh, nothing like breastfast in bed, eh guys?
Mike & Tom: [groaning and moaning] ARGGHH!

> "Sounds like the only thing different from
>Marrissa's lifestyle, is that the baby's on the outside now,
>hmmm?" Martin inquired, with the smile spreading wider.

Crow: You know any moment the top of his head is going to fall
off.

> " I guess."
> "By the way, I've been giving some thought to that song
>we've been practising. Maybe there's something wrong with the
>lyrics or chords.

Tom: So, basically the entire song's messed up then?

> Maybe You, Me,

Mike: ...a dog named Free.

> and the band can get together
>tomorrow.

Mike: Can you see the light?!
Tom: THE BAND! THE BAND!

> How about after Alpha shift?"

Crow: Jay has a band?
Tom: I'm detecting major wish-fulfillment here. Mike.
Mike: [Weeping Silently]

> "No good. Marrissa's dragging me off to show Sarah
>what Earth looks like, on the Holodeck of course."

Crow: [Marrissa] Sarah, this is what Earth looks like on the
Holodeck. You can't see it because there aren't any
windows. Okay, here's what Vulcan looks like on the
Holodeck...

> "Oh, how about this upcoming weekend?"
> "Sorry, diplomatic function. We're meeting with a
>Garidian ambassador. He requested the presence of the
>'Admiral who conquered the Romulans'. I was going to
>be exempt, but Marrissa said he wanted the family."

Crow: [Martin] Jay, uh...you do know that Garidians like the
taste of humans?
Tom: [Jay] Who cares? What about the music!? Can we get a gig
at the function?

> "Look," Martin's voice dropped to a whisper, and his
>face lost the smile. "I didn't want to tell you this, but
>you have to stand up for yourself in front of Marrissa."

Crow: Y'know, I like Martin!
Tom: Too bad his sacrilege has doomed him to die Real Soon Now.
Mike: [Standing] Yes! We have something approaching reality!
Crow: [To Tom] That brought him back!

> "WHAT?!?" Jay yelled incredulously, all signs of
>fatigue gone from his visage.

Mike: Replaced by fear and terror.

> "Keep your voice down" Martin whispered.

Crow: Ooooh, please tell me they're planning a coup! Oh please
oh please oh please!

> "She
>presently sees you as a lackey,

Mike: Well, so do we.

> and she's used to you waiting
>on her whim because of the pregnancy. You've got to break out
>of the routine. My guess is that for every time she's woke up
>to feed the kid, you've woke up twice as many times, if not
>more.

Mike: Now all Martin has to do is get rid of Marrissa's
deathgrip on the Federation and bring back the millions
she's slaughtered and it'll all be okay!

> "That's true, poor Sarah can't get back to sleep
>without me singing to her."

Mike: Yeah, a few bars of some dear old favorites, like "Smells
Like Teen Spirit" and "Jeremy", and she's out like a
light.

> Martin nodded, then went on.

Tom: [Martin Lawrence] WAZUUUUUUUUP?!?!!???

> "And since she ranks
>you, you've probably been bossed around quite a bit lately.

Mike: Yes, using a very, very, very, very, broad definition
of "lately"!

> And Marrissa's probably a little more aggressive about
>getting what she wants, right?"

[All smirk and giggle]
Tom: That's quite an understatement there, Martin.

> "What should I do?" Jay replied, a little embarrassed
>" I'd like to have some control over the relationship, I mean,
>even last night she was telling me what to do during ..."

All: EWWWWWWWWWW!
Tom: Geez, Rob, are you *trying* to blind us?!?!
Mike: Not a word, Crow.
Crow: What?

> "Shut the heck up!" Martin interrupted,

[All cheer]
Mike: Oh wow. That was fun. I can see why Marrissa likes doing
that. Let me try some more. Sit up straight! Clean the
room before I get home! Fix me Dinner!
Crow: Mike. . . .
Mike: Turn off that stupid holodeck! Watch the kid while I go
out with Clara!
Tom: Mike. . .
Mike: Stop practicing your stupid guitar! And when are you
going to get a real job instead of that stupid temp job?
Bots: Mike!
Mike: Huh? What?
Tom: [To Crow] We need to up his dosage again.
Crow: [To Tom] Agreed.

> surprised at the
>dialogues new course. Calming himself, he continued "Sorry,
>but I don't need to hear that,

Tom: Neither did we!!!
Mike: This story is just probing the dark steamy underside of
the Marrissa universe that we never wanted to see!
Crow: We'll probably learn about Marrissa's hot flashes
next....
Tom & Mike: AIE!!

> it's a little too personal.

Tom: And this is the ship's *counselor*?!?
Mike: Yeah, and the ship's doctor doesn't like to do invasive
surgery, it's too icky.

> Anyway, what I think you should do, is go back to your
>quarters, ask Marrissa to feed the kid, then have a heart to
>heart. Sound like a plan?"

Mike: [Martin] When I snap my fingers, you will wake up and
have a backbone. Three...two...[snap]
Crow: [Jay] YES! I WILL THINK FOR MYSELF! What next, Martin?

> With that, Martin got up and left, while Jay finished
>his coffee. That's what I'm gonna do, kept running full tilt
>through his brain. Maybe those tabloid reporters were right,

Tom: [As Jay] Maybe Marrissa WAS Bigfoot...

> maybe they got married too young.

Mike: Again, that's quite an understatement.
Crow: Keep this up, and the Marrissa line is going to be
retiring before they're 8.
Tom: Theirs Was A Love That Spanned The Stars, But Society Said
They Were Too Young. Read "Jay And Marrissa: Thank You,
Ma'am, May I Have Another?" in "Dark Mansion of Forbidden
Love" from DC Comics.

> Back on the
>Endeavour there was romance and flowers and love gushing from
>every pore.

Mike: [Jay] No, wait, that's not love. Ewww...
Crow: It's the Loooooooove Boat, the Next Generation!

> Now it became more routine, less special.

Tom: [Jay] 1800 hours: Have dinner. 1900 hours: Argue with
Marrissa. 1930: Make love to Marrissa. 2000 hours: Fall
asleep.

> He wondered if he even loved Marrissa anymore.

Mike: Jay's finally sorted out the difference between love
and lust and fear.

> The coffee was
>gone,

Crow: Where's that donkey when you need him?!

> and Jay marched back to his quarters. His head was held
>high, both from the courage he gained, and from the caffeine
>entering his system. The doors slid open to reveal Marrissa
>once again nursing the child

All: [scream again] WAAAH!
Mike: [panting] Come on, guys, we can do this! It's not like
we've never seen this before...
Tom: Actually, Mike, this is our first time.
Mike: Oh. Then prepare for EXTREME PAIN!
All: [scream again]

> with a surprised, and vaguely
>annoyed,look when she saw Jay.

Mike: Fortunately, Jay was used to this.

> "Where have you been, Jay? I had to get up and feed
>Sarah.

Mike: What? Like it was *his* turn to feed Sarah?!

> I need my beauty sleep." Said Marrissa. Jay couldn't
>help but remember a joke involving an old childhood story
>about Rip Van Winkle.

Tom: Sooooo, apparently, if Marrissa sleeps too long, she
becomes a 70 year old man with a long white beard?
Crow: Hey, Jay! Get the sleeping gas now while you have time!

> "Besides, you know our poor wittle babykins can't get to
>sleep without you singing to her.

Crow: If Jay strangled her right now, there's not a jury in the
galaxy that would convict him.

> Why she likes 'Achy Breaky
>Heart', I doubt I'll ever understand." continued Marrissa.

[appalled silence]
Crow: That sound you just heard? Everything good & decent in
the universe dying.
Tom: Yep - joy, laughter, kindness, warmth - all gone!
Mike: Man, I *hate* when that happens.

> That was true enough, Jay decided. He should have
>stayed home to get the coffee, but he needed a social
>atmosphere.

Tom: Like an empty bar?

> Too late to worry about it now, though. Jay was
>>about to launch into the speech he concocted, when the call
>came through. "Attention all hands. Shift change.

Crow: go from lowercase to ALL CAPS. THAT IS ALL...

> Alpha Shift
>to duty stations."

Crow: [sleepily] Time to make the donuts. Time to make the
donuts.
Mike: Jay, return your manhood to it's previous position.

> "We'll talk later, Jay." warned Marrissa. The ice in
>her voice made Jay wonder if he could apply for a transfer.

Mike: [Jay] "Power Rangers", "Space Cases", "Saved by the Bell"
- there's *got* to be another series I can sneak into!
Crow: You know, this really is a shocking and unsettling turn.
Tom: I know. I appreciated it when Jay was so P-whipped you
could use him as a harem guard.

> They prepared for another day on the job, and made their
>way to the Bridge. All the way, Jay felt as if Marrissa had
>the pull of a planet's gravity,

Mike: Which would have promptly caused the Enterprise to
implode, and ended this little fanfic.
Tom: Unfortunately, for us, this was not the case.

> and was going to yank the
>rebellious thoughts from his mind.

Mike: She's a P-12. Call the Psi-Corp!
Crow: Wrong show Mike. Unfortunately.
Tom: Could you imagine Marrissa on Babylon 5?
Crow: Only in an airlock.

> On the bridge, Jay tried
>to bury himself in his duties,

Crow: Let's hope that doesn't include Sarah's diaper duty.
Tom & Mike: Ewwwww!

> yet continually felt the glare
>of his wife

Crow: MAKEUP! Could we have some more pancake on Marrissa?
We're still getting a terrible glare off her.

> burying into his back.

Mike: Yep, the marriage has NO effect on the efficiency of the
command structure whatsoever.

> He was almost happy when
>something happened in the Neutral Zone.

Mike: [as Helmsman] Oh, wait, sorry, just a sensor blurp.
Something didn't happen.
Tom: [as Jay] Oh, damn!

> The feeling dropped
>when he saw what it was. A decloaking vessel, too big to be a
>Romulan, appeared in front of them.
> "Shields," Marrissa barked.

[All do dog barking noises]

> "Weapons to full power, all
>fighters stand by to launch."

Mike: Where they'll just go "plink plink plink" against the
inside of the shields. Want to rethink that order,
Marrissa?

> The bridge crew stood in shock as the ship became fully
visible, it was a Borg Cube. The crew came to its senses and

Crow: Threw Marrissa overboard & joined the Borg of their own
free will.

> moved to obey their Commanding Officer.

Tom: The two parts of that last sentence do NOT make sense.

> The Borg came through on all channels.

Tom: [as Borg] This has been a test of the Emergency Borg
Systems. In case of an actual Borg attack...

> "We are the Borg.

Tom: [Borg] Stand by for an important announcement concerning
your life insurance.
Mike: [Borg] Wolf 359 veterans cannot be turned down for this
offer.

>lower your shields and surrender your vessels. We will
>acquire the future queen of the Borg. We shall then
>assimilate the remaining individuals.

Crow: We will then download the "Salvage Starship" objective
and assimilate your ship. Do not attempt to make your
Enterprise-E staffing icon backwards-
compatible. Downloading "Sense the Borg" is futile.

> Resistance is futile."

Mike: Second verse, same as the first.

> Then, behind the first cube, the six others appeared.

Tom: [Borg] We will telegraph our plans. We will make
ourselves vulnerable. We will display the originality of
"Family Matters."

> The Federation fleet attacked, with the unfortunate effect
>of being set adrift by electromagnetic beams.

Tom: Why do the ultra-adaptable Borg never learn that no one
ever believes that resistance is futile?
Mike: Or that you don't mess with Marrissa?

> Soon, only the
>Enterprise was operable, but loosing shields.

Mike: Man, the action doesn't let up. Of course it never
really begins either.

>Marrissa took a lucky guess and managed to destroy the cube
>formerly made out of Warbirds, by breaching their warp core.

Mike: Oh, like that one little weak spot in "Generations."
Toughest ships in the galaxy, but one little tap and
BOOM!
Tom: Hey, the djinn in the "Arabian Nights" had the same
problem, y'know.

> The
>victory was ruined when they recalled the six other cubes

All: [shouting] YAHTZEE!

>had taken out the shields and were beaming aboard.

Mike: "Recalled?" Forgot to mention that little detail, Rob?
Crow: Either that or this crew has lots of severe memory
problems.

> A group of
>ten appeared in engineering.

Mike: Amway salesborgs! Run!

> The Security teams fired
>repeatedly at the Borg who still would not adapt,

Crow & Tom: HELL, NO, WE WON'T ADAPT! HELL, NO, WE--urrrrrk...

> taking down
>five while the other Borg grabbed random engineers and

Crow: ...subjected them to a fascinating survey about George
Wednt and beans!
Tom: [as Borg] Resistance is futile. You will be surveyed.
Mike: Actually, that would explain a lot at the mall...

>injected their nanites into them. The infected engineers
>stood in shock, trying to differentiate between their own
>motives and the Collective's,

Crow: [trance-like] Regular or decaf?

> then took up phasers
>against the security team.
>

Crow: Which was actually pretty fun!

> On the bridge, Marrissa was trying everything she
>could think of to try and defeat the over whelming odds. She
>flipped the ship,

Crow: Oooooh! Marrissa's from New York! That would explain a
lot!

> rolled the ship,

Crow: o/~ The captains in Starfleet, they say they're
mighty fine/They'll flip you for a nickel, and roll you
for a dime/I don't want no more Starfleet life... o/~

> beamed Quantum torpedoes
>onto the Borg ships,

All: *snort*
Crow: Hi, I'm putting a bullet on your shoulder. You die now,
okay?

> and even tried the Shelton slide
>manoeuvre,

Mike: Then the Mashed Potato, followed by the Boot-Scootin'
Boogie, the Smurf, the Batusi, and even -
Tom & Crow: NO!!!
Mike: Yes - *Lambada*, the Forbidden Dance!!!

> all to no avail.

Tom: And she did all this herself with no help from the crew.
Crow: Unfortunately, most of the crew died while trying to
untangle the extra vowels from the author's spelling.

> The Borg seemed to be able to anticipate the moves
>then halt them.

Mike: That's what happens when your fight scenes are
choreographed by Paula Abdul.

> The Borg beamed in next to the security
>personnel posted at the doors of the bridge. Instead of
>the assimilation tactics used in Engineering, the Security
>team was vaporised, and the other members of the bridge
>scrambled to react.

Tom: Laughing proved ineffective so they tried different
reactions.
Mike: Didn't Sun Tzu say that it was better to capture your
opponent's resources than just destroy them?
Crow: Well, unlike you, the Borg didn't learn everything they
know about tactics by playing "The Ancient Art of War."

> Marrissa took up the phaser rifle once
>again and managed to take out two of the cybernetic terrors,
>who were replaced with more of the same. The Borg fired
>again, killing the helm officer.

Crow: Oh my God! The Borg killed Ensign Kenny! You bastards!

> Alex, who had grabbed his
>phaser rifle, avenged the officer's death by firing a
>vaporising blast into the Borg that killed him.

Tom: Another Borg grabbed the rifle and shot Alex. Patterson
grabbed the rifle and killed the Borg. A third drone
grabbed the rifle and killed Patterson. Jay grabbed the
rifle...
Mike: Thank you, Thomas Malory.

> A Borg
>materialised behind him, then in front of him, the whole
>Bridge was crawling with Borg drones.

Tom: Jim, this bridge is swarming with Borg drones!

> Marrissa couldn't stand
>it.

Mike: Thus Marrissa achieves empathy with her audience.

> Remembering an old Schwarzenegger movie

Crow: Pumping Iron?
Tom: Twins?
Mike: Jingle all the Way?

> she saw as a kid,
>she cried

Tom: [Ahnuld] It's not a too-mah!

> "Everybody Down!!!!" at the top of her lungs.

Tom: Yep, all that Starfleet training and she turns to
Schwarzenegger for inspiration.

> The Bridge crew dropped to the deck, as Marrissa fired at
>full power. She was surrounded, but pirouetting like a
>professional dancer while firing, she cut the Borg down to
>ribbons.

[All laugh hysterically.]
Mike: If I spin fast enough they can't hit me!
Crow: Oh, sure, Starfleet won't mind the ring of burn marks in
the walls around the bridge.
Tom: I won't bother adapting to her frequency, she couldn't hit
a Horta at this dist--
Mike: This is the weirdest and most violent version of Swan
Lake I've ever seen!
Crow: If I cover my head you can't see me!
Tom: Sylvester Stallone *IS* Tara Lipinski in "Rambo IV: Death
Lutz"!

> The crew was safely on the deck, under the wave of
>Marrissa's killing fire,

Mike: Which was a welcome change.

> even managing to fire at a drone, on
>occasion.

Crow: And Marrissa mixed with 20th Century ideas save the day!

> With all the drones cut down around the bridge, a
>wave of fatigue washed over her like a tidal wave on a beach.
>

Tom: Covering a psychic Burt Lancaster and Deborah Kerr.

> Just then a final Borg appeared about two meters in
>front of her. About to fire without a second thought,

Mike: That's our Marrissa!

> Marrissa
>noticed it was female, with blond hair streaked with grime and
>oil.

Mike: Courtney Love, no!

> In one arm the Borg was cradling a small blanket that
>sent waves of fear through Marrissa,

Tom: Her worst dreams had come true. The Borg had assimilated
Linus.

> the blanket was Sarah's.
>Rage swelled up inside her like a over-shaken pop bottle.

Mike: I hope that she hasn't had any Pop Rocks.

> She
>raised the rifle to avenge her child's death,

Mike: Anyone feel like a game of chess, all of a sudden?

> and in response
>the Borg moved itself so she could see the infant was
>unharmed. But the Borg indicated that it would not stay that
>way if Marrissa fired, by raising her arm and extending the
>nanite injectors over the baby's head. The rage evacuated
>her,

All: EWW-W-W-W-W!!!

> leaving only a sea of relief.

Crow: What's with all the water references?
Mike: Urrr, I shouldn't have had that Big Gulp before we came
in the theater...
Tom: Once her child was assimilated she could kill her and
finally get some sleep at night.

> The choice seemed fare to her,

Tom: Homophones: Your Guide To Quality Fanfics.

>
the drones life for her childs, a diplomatic trade off.

Mike: 'Course, it doesn't take nine months to make a new drone.

> Resigned, Marrissa lowered her rifle, and Jay remained on
>the deck in shock.

Crow: Pretty much Jay's usual bridge station.

> A cry of warning came from Jay's lips as another
>Borg appeared behind Marrissa. But it was too late.

Crow: Galaxy threatened, Federation in danger, Marrissa lets
her personal life interfere.

> As Marrissa whipped around,

Tom: o/~ Whip it! Whip it good! o/~

> the Borg extended the
>injector, and pumped Marrissa full of the microscopic,
>assimilating robots.

[Suddenly, balloons and confetti fall from the theater ceiling,
and Mike and the bots dance around cheering]

> This wasn't right,

Crow: Sez you!

> Marrissa's mind screamed
>out.

Crow: Her first thought as the Borg, and it's the most sensible
thought she's had!

> A cheap shot, a low blow,

Mike: Poetic justice...

> call it what you will,

Crow: How about "Eunice?"

>but the Borg had pulled it.

Tom: Pull the other one, it's got bells on.

> The nanoprobes assimilated the
>blood cells one by one, and the rest of her body couldn't take
>the stress, and shut itself off.

Crow: The nanites considered this "slumming"
Tom: Mike, is it OK to be enjoying this so much? Shouldn't I
feel guilty, or pity, or something?
Mike: Nah. She's had this coming for YEARS.

> Collapsing to the floor, the bridge crew stared in
>shock at the image of their fallen leader.

Mike: Then spontaneous cheers erupted throughout the ship!
Crow: The Federation declared a galaxy-wide day of celebration!
Tom: And cards of condolence poured into the Borg.
Mike: [Alexander] Dibs on her bike.

> The female Borg lowered Sarah to a now vacant seat,
>then assisted the other Borg in lifting Marrissa.

Crow: "Lifting Marrissa" - the new sequel to "Raising Arizona"

> The three
>then beamed back to their cube, followed by the Borg in
>engineering. In space, the Borg once again cloaked and moved
>away from the fleet. They had what they came for.

Mike: Cheez-Whiz. Crates of it.

> They had
>their new Queen.
>

Crow: I think the Borg HR department is gonna catch a lot of
flack for this.
Mike: So now Ru Paul's messed up in this?
Tom: Let's go.
[They file out of the theater.]