MiSTed: Stolen Memories (16/29)
Rottweiler
CROW: How's your head, Mike?
MIKE: It's fine.
> Week Ten
> ========
TOM: This must be the Director's Cut of _9 1/2 Weeks_.
> While Julian sent many a look the Sensualists way, the
> Sensualist never considered any of them invitations,
CROW: "The Sensualist" is a really clunky character name. Couldn't they
have just called him Ted or something?
> he was
> smart enough to be able to tell the difference between an
> invite and a I'm just nervous about where you are look.
MIKE: I always had trouble with that. A "come hither" look and an "is
he
stalking me" look are so much alike...
> As the week passed Alistair distracted Julian from thinking
> about the `duties' he would have to preform again some day
TOM: Now that's pretty convenient. All their duties come pre-formed.
> by telling him tales about his time in Starfleet as a CMO on
> a Starship.
CROW: Ah, old Starfleet stories. The next best thing to anesthesia.
TOM: (Alistair) And then we ran into another type of space anomaly no
other
ship had ever encountered before...
> Julian was riveted
MIKE: To the floor.
> and with the innocence and
> optimism of youth he declared he'd become a Starfleet
> Doctor,
CROW: With his own Starfleet TARDIS.
> after I get out of here."
TOM: Wait, where'd that quotation mark come from?
MIKE: I think that was one of the authors. After he writes 30,000
words,
Red will let him out of his cage.
> That was when Alistair stopped telling stories of the
> past.
CROW: And started talkings about the Punic Wars for hours and hours,
instead.
> Only by accepting his enslavement was for life could
> Julian come to terms with it.
TOM: Alistair should read _The Power of Positive Thinking_.
> While ever he held onto the
> dream of a life outside the Harem his attentions would be
> focused on the impossible - Escape.
CROW: The Harem, unfortunately, was on Gilligan's Island.
> "There is no escape from here
MIKE: iT wIlL bE dArK sOoN...
CROW: AHAHAHAHA... you're STUCK HERE!
TOM: (Colonel Klink) No vun haz effer escaped from Shtalag 13, und no
vun
effer vill-l-l-l!
> - They'll just hunt you
> down and bring you back in chains -
CROW: Julian Bashir is Kunta Kinte in _Roots_.
> drug you until there's
> nothing left of you but a brain dead Zombie who obeys every
> single order he's given without question or thought.
MIKE: So he'd be half-Sid Vicious, half-Forrest Gump.
> Is that
> what you want to be, Julian. *Brain Dead*?"
TOM: Or would you prefer to be *The Frighteners*? Or *Meet the
Feebles*?
> Alistair said
> watching Julian turn pasty faced, then a stubborn look
> appeared on Julian's face.
CROW: Resolve or constipation? YOU make the call!
> "Alis will find me, you'll see, she'll come for me,
TOM: (singing) Some day, my princess will come...
MIKE: Or at least fake it.
> take me away from this place, back to the Palace.. Back to
> my father."
CROW: (singing) Back to life, back to reality...
> Alistair rolled his eyes.
MIKE: Eye rolling; one of the least popular Easter activities.
> "Take a look out the window boy."
> "I'm not a boy...
TOM: (Julian) Well, I won't be after the operation...
> "*Look out the window*," Alistair roared.
CROW: (Alistair) What color is the bear?!?
> Julian jumped to his feet and was out the window
MIKE: And thus was able to escape the Harem. Alistair was later seen
banging his head against the wall and asking why he didn't think
of
that.
> before
> he realised he'd obeyed simply because Alistair had roared
> at him.
TOM: Alistair is doing Pavlovian experiments, I see.
> He glanced back at Alistair then pulled the curtain
> aside
CROW: Let's show him what he's won!
> to look out at the view that Alistair had told him not
> to look at before this day. (So he wouldn't get ideas.)
MIKE: He didn't want Julian tampering with a perfectly good window
treatment.
> As
> his eyes took in the magnificent view the windows offered of
> the palace grounds,
TOM: Oh, sure. Windows (tm) has nifty graphics, but that's it.
> they widened and Julian's colour fled.
CROW: Not even Julian's own melanin can stand to be around him.
> He almost fell.
MIKE: So he almost sent the tape to _America's Funniest Home Videos_.
> The Sensualist was there to catch him and
> steady him while he recovered from the shock.
TOM: (Julian) I saw a city in the clouds, and my friends... I don't have
any.
> "I made the same mistake you did once boy, Falling in
> love with and trusting one of those women.
CROW: (Alistair) I've learned that there's only one person you can
trust.
His name is Jack Daniels.
> She made all
> sorts of nice promises that she never kept and installed me
> here.
MIKE: (Alistair) Take it from the Fresh Prince. Girls of the world
ain't
nothin' but trouble.
> Just like your lover did."
TOM: Bottom line, women + power = evil.
> Julian shook his head.
> "No.... Alis isn't like that."
CROW: (Alistair) Yes she is. There's no such thing as individuality.
> "They're all like that."
TOM: (Alistair) Those Felistians are evil, I tell ya! EEEEEEEEEEVIL!
MIKE: (Julian) Alistair, you said that about all the aliens.
TOM: (Alistair) I just want attention.
> "Alis is different."
CROW: She's mountain-grown.
> "Because she took the time to get past your guard..
MIKE: (Alistair) Once there, she simply slipped the ball into the basket
and led the Terps TO A CRUSHING VICTORY AGAINST YOU AND
EVERY OTHER TEAM IN IT'S PATH. SUCKER!!!
CROW: I didn't know you watch college basketball.
> She's just smarter than most.
TOM: Well, considering that half of her race isn't sentient...
> She knew you'd fall for it.
MIKE: (Alistair) Shall I tell you why?
> I
> wouldn't be surprised to learn she actually told her sister
> you were all hers to do what she liked with once you'd
> served your purpose."
CROW: Nice thing to say about your daughter, Alistair.
> "Shut up!" Julian shrieked covering his ears.
TOM: (Alistair) Search your feelings! You know it to be true!
MIKE: Now I understand why the Sensualist calls Alistair "The Dark One".
> The Sensualist embraced him and started stroking his
> hair.
CROW: (Sensualist) It's okay, Julian. Don't cry. We'll just go to the
pound and get you a new girlfriend.
> "You're wrong, I know you're wrong.
TOM: And knowing is half the battle.
> I won't listen to
> you any more," Julian shrieked.
MIKE: (Julian) It's time for _Imus in the Morning_.
> "Men mean nothing here. You're no exception."
TOM: Julian doesn't mean anything ANYWHERE!
> "She made me her consort," Julian retorted.
> Alistair's brows defected in surprise,
CROW: They got in an F-105 and flew to the Soviet Union.
> struck
> speechless he just gaped at Julian. Julian looked back at
> him triumphant.
TOM: (Julian, sing-songy) Nyah nyah, nyah nyah, nyah!
> "She even made a vow to the first mother not to take
> another man as a lover. And asked me to share her life."
MIKE: (Julian) And she gave me a Twix.
> "No woman ever goes back on her word to the first
> mother," the Sensualist murmured for Julian's hearing only.
CROW: Why didn't he just say that out loud so everyone could hear?
> "Maybe she's not a lost cause," Alis muttered.
TOM: Wait, how did Alis get in here? Did she stop in to say one line of
dialogue in which she refers to herself in the third person?
MIKE: Maybe she's a wandering Bob Dole.
> "She'll find me and rescue me from here.."
CROW: (singing) Come on baby and rescue me...
> "Maybe she will, but, after what you've been through
> already do you really want to be her consort?" Alistair
> asked.
TOM: (Alistair) I mean, she's beautiful, rich, and willing to go against
her beliefs for you. Who needs a woman like that?
> "She's not like the others, I love her and she loves
> me,
MIKE: (Julian) We're a happy family!
> and if I ask her too I'm sure she'll come with me when I
> leave this place."
CROW: After all, there's nothing that a cat loves more than to be
uprooted
for no good reason.
> "Assuming she agrees to that, what makes you think her
> mother will let you take her prime and only heir away from
> the Empire?"
TOM: (Julian) Uh... false? True? None of the above? 1492?
> Julian had no answer for that question.
MIKE: (Julian) They expect me to name the two miracles that got Saint
Ambrose canonized?!?
> It was
> something he hadn't considered.
CROW: He also hadn't considered becoming a professional hand model.
> **********************
TOM: My God, it's full of stars!
> That night Julian awoke to the hot breath of the
> Sensualist at his ear, muttering words that penetrated his
> sleep fogged mind.
MIKE: Yo Quiero Taco Bell.
> "Only one can be the favourite of the Heir, and receive
> her bounty,
CROW: Alis is a paper towel mogul?
> and take the Old One's place as Leader of the
> Harem and that one will be me."
TOM: (Sensualist) I just can't wait to be King.
> His eyes snapped open, in time to see the Sensualist
> kneeling over him pillow in his hands.
MIKE: (Julian) Thanks, but I'm already quite comfy!
> Drawing in a deep
> breath Julian prepared to scream as the pillow was pressed
> down over his face. Muffling his scream, smothering him.
ALL: YESSSSSS!!!
CROW: The Sensualist is finally doing what we couldn't!
> Julian fought him for all he was worth,
TOM: All of a sudden, the story starts describing a law suit.
> trying to get
> the pillow off his face, so he could breath.
MIKE: If any idiot can use a pillow as a deadly weapon, the Felistians
had
better hope they never capture MacGuyver.
> Coloured
> lights, stars flashed before his minds eye.
CROW: Super Freak-Out, from Ohio Arts!
> He felt
> incredibly light headed. Then he felt nothing.
TOM: Then he felt itchy. Then nothing again.
> ************************
MIKE: Remember those stars that flashed before his mind's eye? Well,
just
in case you were wondering what they looked like...
> Alistair heard the muffled screams from his bed and
> awoke looking around trying to place them.
CROW: (Alistair) I think the muffled screams will look nice on the
mantle.
> Seeing the
> Sensualist kneeling over Julian holding a pillow to the
> young man's face, Alistair reacted fast.
TOM: (Alistair) Sensualist, wait! Let me help you!
> He was out of the
> bed and striding across the harem in a stride that took more
> ground than running any day.
MIKE: Except the last Friday of June, for some reason.
CROW: Alistair Mender, speedwalker extraordianaire!
> Alistair arrived at the bedside just as the fight left
> Julian and he turned limp. He grabbed the Sensualist by the
> tail and bent it down the middle.
TOM: His tail is a Flexi-straw! Neat!
> With the snapping of bone,
MIKE: From supposedly very flexible tails.
> The Sensualist arched letting out a caterwaul of agony that
> awoke everyone who'd still been sleeping in the harem.
CROW: Turn down that damned Michael Bolton album!
> Then
> the Sensualist passed out falling to the bed.
TOM: I guess he's exhausted from that little cat fight.
> Alistair
> hauled him off the bed and dropped him on the floor then
MIKE: Dozed off in front of the TV.
> turned his attention to Julian, pulling the pillow from his
> face, taking his pulse.
CROW: And his wallet.
> Julian wasn't breathing.
TOM: And, ironically, the fanfic is showing signs of life.
> Around them the other men crept toward the bed.
CROW: And what rough beasts, their hour come round at last, slouch
towards
Julian's bed, to be bored?
> The
> Sensualists limp body was removed from the immediate area.
ALL: Heave, ho.
> A pulse, thready.
MIKE: Thready, thet, go!
> Alistair laid a hand over Julian's heart.
CROW: And pledged allegiance to the flag.
> The organ pulsed in fits and starts,
MIKE: Then broke into a rousing rendition of "Take Me Out to the
Ballgame".
> the last reflex beats
> or something more? He couldn't tell.
TOM: Having flunked out of medical school after two weeks.
> For a very short moment
> in time Alistair wondered if he should try to save the young
> man.
CROW: (Alistair) Hippocratic oath, shmipocratic oath.
> For some death was preferable than a life time
> enslavement in the Harems. Then Alistair remembered what
> Julian had said about his Princessa.
TOM: (Alistair) Something about signs on her legs that say "Open 24
hours".
> Alistair decided to
> take the optimistic view.
CROW: Ironically, the optimistic view was what got Alistair into the
harem
in the first place.
MIKE: (Alistair) Hey, that cat girl is really cute! I'm sure that if I
go
home with her, she won't induct me into her harem!
> Tilting Julian's head back and
> clearing his airway Alistair began resuscitating the young
> man. Interested men watched.
CROW: Interesting men, however, were absent from the scene.
> After a full three minuets with no apparent success
> Alistair
TOM: Tried a waltz.
> sat back on his heels looking down at Julian sadly
> then he moved off the bed, pulling the blanket over Julian's
> still body.
ALL: WOOHOO!!!
(Balloons and confetti fall from the top of the screen)
CROW: (singing) Ding dong, the wimp is dead!
TOM: Which ole wimp?
CROW: The Terran wimp!
ALL: Ding dong, the Terran wimp is dead!
> As he walked away head bowed,
TOM: (Alistair) Our Father, who art in Heaven, hallowed be Thy name...
> he failed to
> notice the very slight rise and fall of the blanket over
> Julian.
MIKE: D'oh!
CROW: This guy is like Jason.
TOM: Aren't doctors REQUIRED to notice these things?
MIKE: He'd sure be nice to have on Earth. "Well, I GUESS he's dead.
Might
as well cut the life support now before our electric bill shoots
up
any more."
CROW: He's a Hippocratic Oaf.
> **********************
MIKE: It's the Lou Rawls Parade of Stars.
> Week Eleven
> ============
TOM: (Nigel Tufnel) This week goes to eleven.
> The Harem keeper was not pleased to discover to
> discover the nobles favourite mate floating in the bath/pool
> face down.
MIKE: Gloria Swanson IS Julian Bashir in _Starfleet Boulevard_!
CROW: (falsetto) I'm ready for my close-up, Mr. Roddenberry!
> She questioned the men with half an ounce of
> brains about it.
TOM: All two of them.
> They all shrugged.
CROW: Maybe she should've questioned the men with a WHOLE ounce of
brains.
MIKE: Or the men with Best Brains.
> She chalked it up to
> accident and left it at that.
TOM: Accidental death by broken tail.
> Until she saw the blanket
> covered Julian.
CROW: (harem keeper) This blanket will tell me what I need to know!
> Crossing to his bedside she pulled the
> blanket away
MIKE: (harem keeper, whiny) MINE!
> and touched his face.
TOM: (Julian) Bad touch!
> He was cold and clammy to
> touch. Her fingers found his pulse point and detected a very
> faint thready pulse.
CROW: It looks like the Mission Ops Productions thesaurus had the day
off.
> As she looked down at him she noticed
> the nearly imperceptible rise and fall of
MIKE: The Roman Empire.
> his chest.
> Pulling his eye lids
TOM: Just to see if they'd snap back like window blinds.
> she looked at his eyes, his pupils
> were mere specks of black in a deep brown background.
CROW: Like two charcoal briquettes in a sea of chocolate pudding.
> She
> debated what to do about it.
MIKE: Finally, she shelled out for those color-tinted contacts.
> Recalling just who had brought
> the manling to her for inclusion in the harem the Harem
> keeper shivered,
TOM: Me timbers.
> imagining what she'd do if she discovered
> he'd died. With that thought in mind she called for Medical
> attention.
CROW: (Harem Keeper) Get me Chad Everett! Stat!
> Alistair rolled over to watch the Medical crew work
> over Julian thinking how useless it all was since the young
> man had been dead half the night.
MIKE: And those vultures circling overhead were NOT a good sign.
> Then he saw Julian's body
> jerk
TOM: Oh no! He's trying to breakdance!
> and heard him let out a reflexive gasp. Alistair sat
> bolt upright at that to stare at Julian's bed.
CROW: (Alistair) If he dies, I can put a writing desk where that bed is.
> With their work down
MIKE: What's a "work down"? Is it anything like a workout?
> The Head of the medical crew sent
> his people off
TOM: I thought Felistian males weren't sapient...
> and then took Alistair aside to hand him a
> small case full of medicines and hypo's giving him
> instructions for their use. Alistair listened carefully.
CROW: (Alistair) I never had a hypo tell me how to use medicine before.
I'd better listen to what it says...
> Nodding now and then,
MIKE: You mean nodding off now and then.
> then he requested a proper medical
> kit.
TOM: A proper young Felistian?
> His request was refused, she didn't trust him enough to
> give him anything that could conceivably be turned into a
> weapon.
CROW: Except those deadly pillows.
MIKE: I'd like to point out that the head of the medical crew had a sex
change in the space of four sentences.
> ************************
TOM: No two snowflakes are alike, huh? Yeah, right.
(TOM hovers onto MIKE's lap. MIKE picks TOM up and ALL leave the
theater.)
[Planet Bumper]