MiSTed: Reboot -- Breaking the Barriers [ 1 / 4 ]
Joseph Nebus
[ 1.. 2.. 3.. 4.. 5.. 6.. ]
[ SATELLITE OF LOVE DESK. CROW and TOM stand behind the desk;
a science fair project-style folding board with a map of
New Hampshire stands by CROW's side. ]
CROW: Good evening. Tom Servo and I, Crow T. Robot, speak to you on
behalf of one of the Republic's most needy states. As becomes
obvious on considering or trying to drive across the state,
the horrible truth is:
TOM: New Hampshire doesn't have enough stuff in it. There are the
small antiques stores that infest every square mile of New
England, plenty of places to get maple syrup, plus some gas
stations that are out of gas and won't let you use the rest
rooms, and that's about it.
CROW: Compared to such exciting and dynamic states as Massachusetts,
home to the Professional Basketball Hall of Fame, the Jacob's
Pillow Dance Festival, and the Mount Greylock Expeditionary
Force, loyal sons of New Hampshire can only look despairingly
at their empty state.
TOM: Some naive people may assert New Hampshire is no worse off than
nearby Vermont. Not so! Those in Vermont can partake of the
benefits of being one of the four states to have been independent
nations before joining the Union, such as the Hemmings Motor News
(Full-Service) Gas Station, and the northernmost battle site of
the U.S. Civil War.
CROW: [ Leadingly curious ] How's that, Tom?
TOM: Yes, in 1864 Confederate soldiers descended from Canada to seize
Saint Albans. They left three days later, taking with them some
lovely antiques and fine maple syrup, and leaving Vermont with
yet another piece of the rich tapestry of a history not shared
by New Hampshire.
CROW: Others might argue states like Wisconsin deserve attention first.
Not so! Oh, sure, Wisconsin has lots of empty space too, but
its residents can enjoy cultural attractions like The House On
The Rock, Tommy Bartlett's Water Show, the actual filming
locations of "The Giant Spider Invasion," and convenient access
to Escanaba, Michigan.
TOM: But what have our poor New Hampshire...olo..gists got to look
forward to, except catching a peek at Brattleboro, Vermont?
That's no future for the proud residents of an upstanding state,
and it's no future for New Hampshire either.
[ JOEL, carrying another sheet of cardboard, and GYPSY, enter,
and listen aghast at what CROW and TOM are saying. ]
CROW: So if you've got any extra stuff -- a museum, a potato chip
collection, a cultural heritage, an Interstate, heck, a strip
mall would do -- please, donate it to the cause.
TOM: Send your extra stuff to:
[ CAMBOT puts the address on screen ]
Stuff for New Hampshire
1788 New Hampshire Boulevard, Suite 12
New Hampshireopolis, New Hampshire 01173
TOM: Thank you, won't you?
JOEL: [ Startling, scaring TOM and CROW ] Thomas! Crow!
I'm shocked at you both!
GYPSY: You knew we were going to do the --
[ JOEL reveals his cardboard as a cutout of Nebraska ]
-- Stuff for Nebraska appeal!
JOEL: Yeah, guys, show a little consideration!
TOM: Uh, gosh, well, you know, we, uh ...
CROW: [ As JOEL and GYPSY approach them ] Yeah, uh, we ...
[ GYPSY pushes over their New Hampshire display ]
CROW, TOM: [ Dutifully ] We're sorry.
MAGIC VOICE: Commercial sign in ten seconds.
JOEL: That's more like it. And you two won't ever do that again?
TOM: We didn't say we *learned* anything, Joel, just that we're sorry.
GYPSY: Get them!
[ TOM and CROW dash off to the sides of the screen as
COMMERCIAL SIGN flashes. ]
JOEL: [ Giving chase, tapping COMMERCIAL SIGN ] We'll be right back!
[ COMMERCIALS ]
[ SATELLITE OF LOVE DESK. CROW, JOEL, TOM, and GYPSY are tossing out
cardboard cutouts of various states. JOEL holds a cutout of
Indiana. ]
CROW: Indiana.
TOM: Farmer's Market in Shipshewana.
GYPSY: [ As JOEL tosses out Indiana, picks up Colorado. ] Colorado.
CROW: Setting for "Mork and Mindy." [ JOEL tosses off Colorado,
picks up Missouri. ]
GYPSY: Represented in both the Union and Confederate Congresses
during the Civil War.
CROW: [ As JOEL tosses off Missouri, picks up Delaware. ] Actually
has a land border with New Jersey.
JOEL: New Jersey, then?
TOM: The Turnpike's Richard Stockton Service Plaza is named for the
only signer to later repudiate the Declaration of Independence.
[ MADS SIGN flashes ]
JOEL: Oh, wait. Goober and the Ghost Chasers are calling.
[ JOEL taps MADS SIGN ]
[ DEEP 13. A steel girder is in the background, several feet off the
ground; after a beat, DR. FORRESTER pokes his head into frame. ]
DR. F: Hello, Casper. Space Angels. Breakfast cereal: it's not just
for breakfast anymore, but it mostly is. Nevertheless, it
offers our invention exchange for this week.
FRANK: [ Off-screen ] You noticed how the last Cheerios in the bowl
stick together?
DR. F: Sure, we all have. And we realized the great potential if this
adhesive power could be harnessed for non-grain applications.
FRANK: [ Off-screen ] So we went to work trying to reproduce Cheerio
adhesion in a portable and easily applied liquid or gel form.
[ SATELLITE OF LOVE. As above. ]
TOM: So you've got a demonstration for us?
[ DEEP 13. As above. ]
DR. F: Well ...
[ DR. FORRESTER shuffles around, clumsily, revealing that across his
back TV's FRANK is stuck, at an odd angle, his back to DR.
FORRESTER's back, his arm twisted to fit behind DR. FORRESTER's
shoulders and head. ]
FRANK: We're working the bugs out.
DR. F: [ Shuffling back around ] Your turn.
[ SATELLITE OF LOVE DESK. JOEL is at the desk, putting a large thimble
over TOM's dome. GYPSY has wheels and a racecar front on her
head. CROW has a papier mache top hat on. On the desk is a
Monopoly board and the associated clutter. ]
JOEL: Our invention this week begins with the provocative question:
What do Singapore, Betty Boop, the original six pro hockey teams,
and the dot-com industry have in common? One great theme.
TOM: All these nouns have all been turned into editions of the classic
Parker Brothers board game, Monopoly.
GYPSY: Monopoly has dozens of licensed theme variations.
JOEL: From cities, to Marvel comics, to Major League Baseball.
CROW: So we unite them all with a hopefully soon-to-be-licensed variant:
[ JOEL holds the board up ]
JOEL: The Monopoly Edition edition of Monopoly!
TOM: Tired of Saint Charles Place? Try buying and building up the
National Geographic Mountaineering Edition. That dowdy old green
color block? Now it's I Love Lucy, Star Trek, and The Simpsons.
CROW: Free Parking becomes the concept of landing on somebody else's
hotel without their noticing.
GYPSY: Those old railroads? Now they're the Standard Edition set; the
Monopoly set you lost when you were twelve; the set with two
checkers, a pawn, and a piece from Sorry replacing missing
tokens; and the set that's hidden under the couch at Grandma's.
JOEL: It's an exciting new twist on a classic game, and one we hope
will delight the world. What do you think, sirs?
[ DEEP 13. TV's FRANK is facing forward now, DR. FORRESTER stuck
turned away. ]
FRANK: Joel, I think you're going to delight in this week's experiment.
For a change, it's *fan fiction* where the author puts a version
of herself into the story, and soon wins the hearts of all the
show's characters, heroes and villains alike.
[ They turn around again, showing DR. FORRESTER. ]
DR. F: Your target for tonight is... Reboot: Breaking the Barriers
by Canada's own Carrie Legault.
[ They turn around again, showing TV's FRANK. ]
FRANK: Good luck breaking on through to the other side!
[ SATELLITE OF LOVE DESK. GYPSY, CROW, JOEL, and TOM are beginning to
play the Monopoly edition. ]
TOM: I wanna be the thimble.
JOEL: You are the thimble.
CROW: Are we gonna play where you get cash for landing on Free Parking?
GYPSY: No, we're playing the basic rules.
TOM: Can we make investment trusts with the banker?
JOEL: No, it's just the plain old rules.
CROW: Do we have to go around the board once before buying property?
GYPSY: No, we're just playing the real --
[ MOVIE SIGN goes off ]
ALL: Aaaah! We got movie sign!
CROW: I wanna be the racecar!
[ 6.. 5.. 4.. 3.. 2.. 1.. ]
[ THEATER. ALL file in. ]
> Breaking the Barriers
CROW: Somebody get the Krazy Glue.
TOM: Or the Cheerios.
> By Carrie Legault
JOEL: Legault My Egault.
>
> Blinking and rubbing her eyes,
TOM: An elderly Samantha Stevens tries to work her magic again.
> Carrie leaned back in her
> chair.
JOEL: If she leans too far she'll fall in Yosemite Sam's trap.
TOM: He's going to get rid of her and make it look like an accident.
> She had been sitting in front of her computer for hours now.
CROW: Gina Smith, the early years.
> "Boy," she thought, "there sure is alot of things to look at on the
> 'Net. I could be here forever!"
JOEL: "I could be here forever" -- it's foreshadowing!
We never get foreshadowing!
> Reaching up, she rubbed the back of
> her neck,
TOM: I hope she's not looking for the parachute release cord.
> trying to get rid of the kinks that were forming. Then,
> suddenly, her screen flashed a blue color
JOEL: I think she's being visited by Jaga.
> and she got an "Error 2001"
TOM: A pretty routine odyssey.
> message. "Error 2001?" she said, "Fatal error,
CROW: They're going to have to call off finding the monolith?
> system destabylizing,
JOEL: But feeling better about itself.
> auto-transport device activated?" she read aloud, "What the heck is an
> auto-transport device?"
TOM: Isn't that when Amtrak takes you and your car down to Florida?
>
> Suddenly, the screen began to flash a bright white light
CROW: Oh, somebody's poking random numbers into 53281 again.
> and
> she felt herself being lifted off her seat.
JOEL: I hope she drives the villains crazy, 'cause she's a lunatic.
> She watched in horror and
> surprise as her feet began to pass through her screen into,
TOM: This is the technology that let Deep Space Nine
appear in the tribbles episode.
> who knows
> what? With a scream of terror,
JOEL: Scream.
ALL: [ Halfheartedly ] Aaah.
> she was pulled into her computer and
> everything went black.
JOEL: You suppose this would've happend if Carrie had a surge protector?
>
> * * * * * * * *
> * * *
CROW: Hey, isn't that one of the barriers there?
>
> Part Two
>
> Carrie felt groggy and her head was spinning as she came to.
CROW: Must be a loose socket somewhere.
> Gently, she began to open her eyes.
TOM: [ As Carrie ] Aw, mom, it's not a school day...
> As they fluttered open, she could
> hear a voice announce that she was waking up.
JOEL: Please remain in the waking-up position until
the fan fiction has come to a complete stop.
> As her eyes came into
> focus, she could see that she was in a room she had never seen before.
CROW: Oh, OK. Now I know exactly what it looks like.
> 'What happened?' she thought, then gasped as someone's face appeared
> above hers.
TOM: [ Distorted ] Hi, I'm Leonard Maltin.
>
> She found herself staring
JOEL: Isn't that a bit rude, Carrie?
> into the most gorgeous pair of brown
> eyes she had ever seen.
TOM: They were unlike any eyes she had ever seen before.
> She then realized that the face that housed
> the eyes bore blue skin and chrome hair.
CROW: Oh, great. Honey? We got Andorians.
> As her eyes began to travel
> down the face,
TOM: A little glue can keep them from slipping like that.
> she noticed that this figure was wearing a blue uniform
> with gold and silver trim.
JOEL: He's painted like Jay Ramos's house down the street.
> Suddenly, it registered, and she bolted
> upright, gasping in surprise and total disbelief.
CROW: [ As Carrie ] I'm on "Silverhawks"!
>
> "Oh man,oh man,oh man!" she whispered, "I must be dreaming! It
> can't be you!! You can't be him!
TOM: I'm not, but a lot of people say I look just like him.
> Can you?"
JOEL: *May* you.
> She looked into the eyes
> again and whispered, "Are you Bob?"
TOM: Newhart?
JOEL: Dylan?
CROW: --White?
>
> * * * * * * * *
> * * *
CROW: OK, a little string... we let it sit for a few hours,
this barrier should be good as new again.
>
> Part Three
JOEL: The part of the third part will be known in this fanfic as
the part of the third part.
>
> After a bit of confusion,
ALL: [ Muttering loudly to themselves, to the effect of "Where am I?
Who are you? Where are we? What's going on? Should we be
doing something? ]
TOM: At some point she might want to ask how she got there.
> Carrie managed to calm down and was
> able to answer and ask questions normally.
CROW: [ As Carrie ] Oh, I dunno, what do you wanna do?
JOEL: [ As Bob ] I dunno. What do you wanna do?
> Looking up from the energy
> shake she had been given,
TOM: You're sure I can't get that supersized?
> Carrie found herself once again staring into
> those eyes.
JOEL: You have a liiiiiittle booger, right there.
>
> "You really are Bob, aren't you?" she asked, sheepishly.
> "Last time I checked." he said, then he looked at her funny.
CROW: What was Mister Carlin telling you?
> "How do
> you know me?"
TOM: Let me count the ways.
> he asked, "I know you're not from Mainframe." Looking
> back down at her energy shake,
JOEL: So she's got no tea, right?
> Carrie tried to think of a good answer.
CROW: How would it be if I just spelled Mississippi?
> "Uh...well...you're pretty well known where I come from."
TOM: In about the same way that Mister Spaceley is a leading
industrialist back where she comes from.
> She said,
> then took a cautious sip of her shake.
JOEL: It was unlike any shake she had cautiously sipped before.
> It was as if she were drinking
> adrenaline or something.
TOM: MM-mmm. Endocrine solutions, just like Mom used to distill.
> Her whole body felt revitalized and her head
> started to clear. With a feeling of both surprise and pleasure, she
> started to gulp down the shake.
TOM: What the -- no, get your head out of there! You'll get stuck!
>
> "Whoa!" Bob said, "Be careful or you're gonna choke!"
JOEL: Oh, and your face will freeze like that.
> Putting
> her drink down, Carrie smiled shyly. "I've never tasted, or felt,
CROW: Or deliberately bathed in...
> anything like that before!" she said. "You mean you've never had an
> energy shake?"
JOEL: I think an energy shake would go something... like this.
[ ALL stand up and start wiggling around. ]
> Bob asked, surprised. "No," Carrie whispered, "They
> don't have these where I come from."
TOM: Yeah, they decaffeinate Mountain Dew too.
> She looked back up at Bob, and
> found him staring at her.
CROW: Sooner or later, one of them has to blink.
> "Just where do you come from anyway?" He
> asked.
TOM: Come from. Go to's considered harmful.
>
> * * * * * * * *
> * * *
CROW: The barriers will never heal if you don't stop picking at them.
>
> Part Four
>
> Carrie swallowed hard. How was she going to explain the fact
> that she was a user to Bob without him thinking
CROW: You could jingle your car keys and distract him.
> she was completely
> random?
JOEL: Don't throw in an unpredictable series of digits?
> She glanced down at her feet,
TOM: [ As Carrie ] Wait a minute, *three*?
> thinking of something to say,
> when she realized that her shoes and clothes were all wrong.
CROW: They were *so* fifteen milliseconds ago.
> Instead
> of her usual blue jeans and high-top runners, she was wearing black
> leather pants
JOEL: And felt-tip socks.
> and knee-high black boots. Each boot had a symbol
CROW: And vice-versa.
> crested at the top under the knee, a black and white bisected circle,
JOEL: The mark of the standardized test!
> impaled by a black and white diamond. She stretched her arms out and
> began to examine the sleeves of her shirt.
TOM: Hey, Rocky! Watch me pull a rabbit outta my hat!
CROW: But that trick *never* works!
> What had been a plain grey
> sweatshirt, was now a maroon bodysuit
CROW: Without that suit, she wouldn't have a body at all.
> with chrome trim.
TOM: And huge fins and that Edsel horse-collar grille.
> Her hands,
> once the sun-kissed brown
JOEL: If the sun kissed me I'd probably get third degree burns.
> of a Native-Canadian, had instead become an
> aquamarine colour.
CROW: Of a Newfoundlander.
JOEL: Or one of Namor's armies.
>
> With a starled gasp, she jumped off the couch and ran to the
> mirror on the other side of the room.
TOM: Bob keeps that mirror around so he can put on his makeup.
> The face that stared back at
> her bore the same aquamarine colour as her hands, and she now had
> metallic blue hair.
JOEL: I guess she's going through her Blue Period.
TOM: She's really got to *steel* herself for this look!
> Her lips were a deep turquoise
CROW: Two feet deep, in fact.
> and her eyes...
> fortunately, her eyes were still the same hazel that had always stared
> back at her.
CROW: She clashes with every conceivable color and style.
JOEL: Black, white, maroon, and turquoise. She's become a CGA graphic.
> With a small shriek of disbelief, she turned to Bob who
> had come up beside her.
TOM: I hope he doesn't frighten Miss Muffet away.
>
> "What's wrong?" he asked, worried. "I don't look the same!!"
CROW: Uh... wait... new haircut? Different dress?
> Carrie almost shouted. "What's happened to me?" I...I..." She turned
> back to the mirror again,
TOM: [ As Carrie ] Oh, magic mirror, take me away from this all.
> and now noticed the same black and white
> bisected circle that was on her boots was also placed near her left
> collarbone.
JOEL: So her neck's become a boot?
> Reaching up to touch it,
TOM: If that's a hot spot, she's going to be in a lot of trouble.
> she looked at Bob's worried face
> in the mirror.
CROW: It looks like a mirror, but it's actually a web camera
serving over five thousand people a day.
> "This is all wrong!" she whispered, "I'm not a
> sprite!"
JOEL: You'd rather be a raster interrupt method?
>
> * * * * * * * *
> * *
TOM: There's one now.
>
> Part Five
CROW: Part Five is alive!
>
> At Carrie's shock and dismay at her appearence,
TOM: I like her appearance.
> and her
> insistance that she was not a sprite, Bob decided it would be a good
> idea to take her to see Phong.
TOM: It *was* a good idea...
ALL: At first.
> Upon arriving at the Principle Office,
> Phong took her to the Infirmary
CROW: Because they were on the Infirmaration Superhighway.
> to see if there was anything the
> scanners could pick up.
JOEL: Hey, those aren't scanners, they're just an alpha channel effect.
> As he ran the tests,
CROW: Carrie regretted not studying earlier.
> Phong began to ask
> Carrie questions.
JOEL: Live around here much?
TOM: If you were a natural-born human transported by freakish accident
to the world inside the computer, how would you convince people
you weren't insane?
>
> "You say that you do not look as you are supposed to." Phong
> said, "May I inquire as to your former appearence?"
CROW: [ As Carrie ] Go right ahead.
TOM: [ As Phong ] What is your former appearance?
> Carrie stared up
> at the ceiling,
JOEL: [ As Carrie ] What the... there's people dancing on it!
> and started to recount her human appearence to them,
TOM: [ As Phong ] So you were the most beautiful person we ever saw...
and we're drawn to your beautiful eyes, that are quiet pools of
tranquility that still betray a deep secret and still penetrate
our souls... any distinguishing features?
> being careful not to sound like she was crazy.
CROW: So she had to keep from honking.
> "Well, I had brown
> hair before,
JOEL: But not on my head!
> and my skin was a dark beige colour. My lips were not
> turquoise, more of a pink colour.
CROW: Carrie Legault, for the new Color Trinitron.
> These aren't even my clothes!" She
> sighed deeply,
TOM: Inhaling over four kilobytes of memory.
> and turned her head to look at Phong.
[ CROW makes a slow, squeaking, hinge-in-need-of-oil sound. ]
> "I know it
> sounds crazy," she said, "but you've gotta believe me.
TOM: [ As Phong ] Sure thing, Mister Napoleon.
> I don't belong
> here, and I need to get back home."
CROW: She's only been gone fifteen milliseconds and already
her ISP's disconnected her forty times.
> Bob looked over at her
JOEL: Good woman. Tasty.
> and gave
> her a look she didn't quite understand.
TOM: He gives looks in Klingon.
> "I can try and get you home."
CROW: Just go '4C E2 FC', '4C E2 FC', '4C E2 FC' while
clicking your VIC-IIs together three times.
> he said, "The only thing is, I need to know where you're from.
JOEL: And if you can pay half tolls.
> You
> still haven't told me."
TOM: Why, it almost makes me not want to trust the person
I've never met before and know almost nothing about.
> Carrie swallowed hard,
CROW: There goes another 24 k of the stack.
> and looked up into his
> eyes.
TOM: As a sprite, would you feel more comfortable if we put you
into a Snoopy Versus The Red Baron game?
> "Um.. well...I...you see," she stammered. From the look on his
> face,
JOEL: And the banner ad running across his forehead...
> she decided then and there, that she was going to have to tell
> him the truth,
JOEL: [ As Carrie ] This isn't as cool as I thought it would be.
> no matter what the conciquences.
CROW: Is that the Canadian spelling?
TOM: That's the Canadian misspelling.
>
> * * * * * * * *
> * * *
JOEL: They haven't gotten very far building that wall.
>
> Part Six
>
> Taking a deep breath,
TOM: Hey, give that back!
> Carrie sat up, but then looked down at
> the floor.
JOEL: The action here has the flow of a game of Arkanoid.
> "What I'm going to tell you is confidential," She
> whispered,
CROW: So I hope you're just very confident.
> "and it's going to sound like I've gone random.
TOM: But I'm really just sampling voice chip three.
> You have
> got to believe me, I could not just make this up."
ALL: MAKEUP!
[ JOEL pulls out a pillow, bops TOM, CROW. ]
> She looked up to
> find Bob and Phong watching her with rapt attention.
CROW: You got -- you got something on -- something on your -- right --
> Licking her lips
> unconciously,
TOM: She's going to have to get some CyberLip Balm if she keeps doing that.
> Carrie began to run through what she was going to say,
> in her mind.
JOEL: I probably shouldn't talk too much about radiator fluids,
it's just too much of a diversion.
>
> "I come from a place called Earth."
CROW: [ As Bob ] You do? Do you know Peter?
> She said, "I am a human,
> not a sprite.
TOM: I am not a binary-coded-decimal number!
> Where I come from, you aren't supposed to really
> exist."
JOEL: You're just a metaphor for improved comprehension.
> she smiled a little at Bob's startled reaction,
TOM: [ As Bob ] Yeah, well, where we come from *you* don't exist,
so double-dumb nyah on you!
> then kept
> going. "You see, where I am from, you are known only
CROW: To a select group of Cartoon Network junkies.
> as characters in
> a cartoon. Now I'm sure you're wondering what a cartoon is,
JOEL: And why I've brought you here together.
> but I'll
> have to explain that some other time."
TOM: Next time she's freakishly pulled into the world of a cartoon?
> She raced through all the
> things she could say,
CROW: I bet there are some things she *could* say that she is
*not* considering.
> and all the things she couldn't say.
JOEL: Saying them would violate the Prime Directive.
> "This
> cartoon is called 'ReBoot', and it is very popular.
CROW: ...mostly among people who ever bid more than thirty dollars
on eBay for an SLP recording of the Transformers where
Sea Spray meets the mermaid.
> You were
> wondering why I knew who you were, it's because,
TOM: I'm assembling you into my Impossible Missions force.
> in this show, you are
> the main character.
CROW: Unless it's that year you don't appear at all.
> Anyone who's even seen just part of the show
> knows who Bob is because you're in every episode."
TOM: OK, OK, Bob's the king of the world, OK? Good for you.
>
> It was then that Carrie realized that Phong had moved to his
> retrieval Vid- Window,
TOM: Which immediately crashes.
> and was skimming through the information there.
CROW: Huh ... make money fast sending emails to pet kittens at home...
> "What are you looking for, Phong?" Bob asked, curiously.
JOEL: Phong? The fish is ready.
> Phong
> looked up at him, then at Carrie.
TOM: Sorry, I stumbled on the "Red Hot RS-232C Action" site by mistake.
> "I remembered hearing a story once
> before
JOEL: It was amusing. I liked it.
> about a species called 'humans', and I am looking to see if I
> can find a reference to them."
CROW: So far Google's returned 2,038 billion sites, and a cute
cartoon of a guy getting gumballs out of an 'o' in its logo.
> Phong began to race through the
> information, as Bob went over to see what he was looking at. "Ah,
> here it is." Phong said,
TOM: Search results found. Entries deleted. Have a nice day.
> "The term 'human' was once used by a visitor
> to another system, by the name of Jeff Bridges.
JOEL: A system named Jeff Bridges?
CROW: They're so advanced they can get the behind-the-scenes
documentary of "Tron."
> He claimed to come
> from Earth, just as you do." Phong looked up at Carrie, and she
> swallowed hard.
TOM: [ As Carrie ] I knew I shouldn't have written all
those tank programs!
>
> "That's not the only way you know humans." She said, and
> Phong looked surprised.
CROW: Does taking the clown hat off help you recognize us?
> "And how else should we know of 'humans'?" he
> asked.
JOEL: Have you tried our web site? http://www.humans.int/ ?
> Carrie looked down at her feet, and stayed silent, not sure
> how to tell them.
TOM: [ As Carrie ] Hey, when'd I get ruby slippers?
> She felt a hand on her shoulder, and looked up.
CROW: Why, thank you, Thing.
> She found herself looking into Bob's eyes as he sat down next to her.
> "It's O.K.," he said, quietly, "you can tell us." As he flashed her
> his killer smile, her fears and her heart, began to melt.
TOM: This is what happens when the cooling fan breaks.
CROW: They should've packed her on dry ice.
> "Well,"
> she whispered, "Not only am I human, but when I am home on Earth, I
> would be known to you as...."
JOEL: Darkwing Duck!
> She swallowed and looked at Bob for
> reassurance. When he smiled and placed his hand on her shoulder
> again,
CROW: They're running out of hands there.
TOM: Shoulders too.
> she looked up at the ceiling and took a deep breath. "I am
> known to you as a 'User'."
JOEL: I had no respect for individuals, just what I could make them do.
>
> * * * * * * * *
> * *
CROW: It's a badly written square root sign.
>
> Part Seven
>
> Carrie sat silently as Phong and Bob stared at her in shock
> and disbelief.
TOM: [ As Phong ] Another one of *these*.
CROW: [ As Bob ] I tell ya, full moon, that's when the crazies come out.
> She had known this was going to happen eventually, and
> she was sure that they would think she was random.
TOM: Why is telling them she's a User going to make them like her more?
> Instead of smiling
> nicely and then quietly locking her away, Bob stood up. "I don't know
> what to say." he whispered,
CROW: Perhaps I could use a Markov chain generator to
create some generic poetry product for you.
> and then turned slightly, avoiding her
> gaze. Carrie clasped her hands together, and looked at him with
> pleading eyes. "I know how bad it sounds," she whispered, "but you've
> got to believe me.
TOM: Why?
> This is the truth, no matter how weird it sounds."
> She let her eyes trace his gorgeous profile, looking for any signs of
> belief, or slight acceptance.
>
> As she watched his face began to change, slowly.
JOEL: Uhoh. Morph programs. Trouble.
> Then he did
> something unexpected, he whirled around to face her, his face a mask
> of fierce concentration and withheld emotions.
TOM: Must... be... bland!
> "I can't accept that
> you're a User!" He almost shouted, "The User is threat to the sprites
> of Mainframe!"
CROW: This pretty accurately gets how computers feel about their users.
> He looked down at the floor, his hands clenched into
> fists at his sides, breathing hard with the exertion used to hold back
> his anger. Carrie sat back, surprised and shocked at the outburst.
TOM: [ As Carrie ] I just know they're going to think I'm a Mary Sue...
> Her throat constricted, and she could feel tears begin to burn in her
> eyes. The last thing she had wanted to do was to upset Bob or anyone,
> and now she had done just that.
JOEL: Oh, *that's* what she did. I forgot.
> She waited for him to storm away or
> hit something, she was sure he was mad at her.
TOM: [ As Bob ] I oughta interrupt your raster vectoring...
> "I just can't accept
> that." he whispered, then looked up at her, his eyes glistening with
> tears of his own.
JOEL: Hey, there's no crying in cyberspace!
> "I know you can't be a User because you just don't
> come across as one."
CROW: That sounds like a major dis, really.
>
> Carrie slid gracefully off the bio-bed, and walked forward.
> She stopped just in front of him, and looked up into his eyes.
TOM: Is she shrinking?
CROW: She's conserving disk space.
> "I
> know you don't believe me," she said, "but you're going to have to. I
> can't stay here, I have to return to Earth and my home."
JOEL: So she can get on the 'net and sit there all week.
> Bob just
> looked at her for a while, but couldn't say anything. "I know that
> you have the ability to get me back home." Carrie said,
CROW: Yeah, right after he gets the kid from Voyager, the Dungeons
and Dragons kids, Samurai Jack, and Kidd Video back home.
TOM: I'm going to stick around until he gets the kid from Liddsville
home, and that's it.
> "I just hope
> you're willing to believe me enough to do it." Bob looked away for a
> bit, deep in thought, then turned back to face her.
TOM: [ Harshly ] Abort, Retry... [ Softly ] Ignore?
> "I don't know if
> I can," he sighed, " No Mainframer has ever been to the world of the
> User, so I don't think there's anyway you can get there."
JOEL: Well. Can you direct me to Max Headroom, then?
>
> * * * * * * * *
> * * *
TOM: That's a signature so abstract nobody knows who it is.
>
> Part Eight
>
JOEL: We're going to have every part except
the one that completes the jigsaw puzzle.
> Since Phong wasn't able to do much more for them,
TOM: He's genial, but kind of helpless.
> and had
> responsibilities for running the Principle Office,
CROW: That's where they get their ethics.
> Bob and Carrie
> headed back to his apartment to try and work out how to get Carrie
> home.
JOEL: Why doesn't Carrie just try saying "Xyzzy" some?
> On the way there, Bob called Dot and told her to meet him at
> his apartment.
TOM: But in a wacky mixup they go to different Bob's apartments!
> On the way there, Bob began to ask Carrie about her
> home. He was curious to know what it was like.
JOEL: [ As Bob ] So, do you have people where you come from?
TOM: [ As Carrie ] I don't know... I never talked to one.
> As Carrie was
> describing her hometown, the sky suddenly darkened, and the sound of
> crackling static could be heard everywhere. "WARNING! INCOMING GAME!
> WARNING! INCOMING GAME!"
CROW: Red alert! It's the Atari 2600 "E.T." cartridge!
JOEL: We're surrounded! It's "Superman" in the other direction!
>
> As the voice boomed through the sky, Bob cursed quietly under
> his breath. "Not now!!" He shouted, "Why now!?!"
TOM: Why not? You got someplace else to be?
> Carrie looked at
> him, fear etched into her delicate features. Bob looked over at her.
> *What am I going to do?* he thought, *I can't let that game close
> without me, but I don't want to endanger Carrie!*
JOEL: [ As Carrie ] Oh, all right, you go and *play* your little *game*,
dear, I'll wait up for *you*, I don't have anything else to do.
> Bob saw the fear
> flash in Carrie's eyes, then she smiled and the fear changed to
> burning fire. "What are you waiting for?"
CROW: I want to check the web site for cheat codes first.
> she asked, "We can't let
> that game drop onto that empty sector, or it'll be nullified for sure
> with no one to beat the User.
TOM: So get in there fast, before nobody's at risk!
> You're the one who knows the most about
> games,
CROW: You and Sid Meier.
> you've got to go." Bob marveled at her courage. "I'm not
> willing to risk your life!" He said.
TOM: Oh, just burn a copy of her to CD and don't worry about it.
> Carrie shifted in her seat so
> that she was facing him squarely. "You don't have a choice!" She
> shouted over the static, "The whole sector will get nullified if you
> don't enter that Game!!"
JOEL: They should really just turn "disasters off" and maybe
try auto-budgeting too.
CROW: There's also the .% bond trick.
> Bob stared at her, then turned his car
> sharply. The engine in his 262 whined
TOM: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...ricky...
> as it strained to pick up
> speed. "Hang on!" Bob shouted, "This is gonna be close!!"
>
> * * * * * * * *
> * * *
CROW: Made it in just under the chapter break.
>
> Part Nine
>
> Carrie opened her eyes slowly.
CROW: o/~ Ding o/~ Welcome to Carrie OS.
> She had tried to enter the
> game as fearlessly as Bob, but it had gotten the best of her and she
> had closed her eyes in fright.
TOM: She's afraid of Q*Bert?
> As her eyes focused in the dim light,
> she began to recognize her surroundings. They were standing in a
> large cavern lit by a single flickering torch.
JOEL: She's in a maze of twisty little passages, all alike.
> "I know this game..."
> Bob started. "It's Crystal Chambers."
TOM: That's not a video game, that's a porn starlet.
[ JOEL, CROW look at TOM. ]
CROW: I think it's the one with the bear collecting gems.
> Carrie said, and Bob turned,
> surprised. "The idea is to be the first to get to the final chamber a
> retrive the artifact without releasing any of the traps."
CROW: Hey, it's inhumane to keep traps all trapped up like that!
JOEL: Let the traps go!
> Bob just
> stared at her, and Carrie giggled. "Don't look so shocked, I've
> played this game before.
TOM: And make sure you don't get caught by the Wumpus.
> I know all the secrets."
JOEL: Boy, she's just got the *best* luck.
> Feeling confident,
> she reached up and touched her icon twice gently. "ReBoot!"
TOM: Ribbit!
> She
> could feel a wave of energy sweep over her. When it was gone, she
> opened her eyes and turned to Bob. "ReBoot!"
CROW: C'mon, reboot, darned you! Aw... would you jiggle the thing?
>
> Bob was surrounded by a beam of fluorescent green energy.
JOEL: [ Electrocution noises ] Buzzuzzuzzuzuzzuzzuzzerzzzert!
> When the beam faded, Carrie's eyes began to wander down along Bob's
> well formatted body.
TOM: Unfortunately, she was Mac, he was MS-DOS...
they could never get along.
> His blue uniform had morphed into a worn leather
> jacket over a white shirt with brown pants and hiking boots.
JOEL: It's a digital Fonzie.
> He was
> equipped with a carrying bag and a long bullwhip. Sitting fashionably
> on the top of his head was a rather beat-up looking fedora.
CROW: This is a weird Dixon Hill episode.
> He turned
> to face Carrie, and her heart skipped a beat.
TOM: Null pointer error in class Heart method advance(int beat).
> In that outfit, he
> looked absolutely stunning!! She let her eyes trace his body once
> again, then carefully returned his gaze.
CROW, TOM: [ In unison ] "What is 'kiss'?"
> "You look like Indiana
> Jones." Carrie remarked, placing her hand on her hip. "You don't
> look so bad yourself." Bob smirked, but his real thoughts were very
> different.
TOM: [ As Bob ] Who's this Deanna Jones I'm supposed to be in?
> Carrie was wearing short cutoff jeans with a baby blue
> midriff blouse tied in a knot. She had tall brown boots with a long
> jewelled dagger attached to the right one. She also had a large gun
> holsted around her waist.
JOEL: Indiana Jones and the Temple of Daisy Dukes.
>
> *Wow!* Bob thought, *She looks awesome! I wonder if she
> dresses like that at home?*
TOM: And he accidentally sends that to an IRC channel.
> Then he reached up and tilted the fedora
> slightly. "Well," he said,
CROW: The problems of two sprites don't amount
to a hill of beans in this crazy mixed-up world...
> "If we're gonna win this game, we better
> get a move on."
JOEL: They're stored on ROM page four. We can get any move we need.
> Reaching up, he removed the torch from its holder,
> and they moved forward together into the unknown.
>
TOM: Let's get back to the real game.
JOEL: [ Picking up TOM ] Works for me.
[ ALL leave. ]
[ 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6.. ]
[ SATELLITE OF LOVE DESK. The Monopoly set is on the center of the
table; GYPSY, CROW, JOEL, and TOM are gathered around to play.
All their tokens are on "Go" -- the game is about to start.
JOEL rolls the dice. ]
JOEL: OK, that's a six, that puts Gypsy [ moving her piece ] on the
State Forests edition ... you want to buy it?
GYPSY: Yeah.
TOM: [ As JOEL takes cash from GYPSY's pile, and gives a title card ]
Joel, what is it with human fantasies about going into the
computer's world?
CROW: Yeah, there's Reboot, there's Tron, there's ... um ...
TOM: Uh ...
[ An awkward pause. JOEL rolls the dice, and advances MAGIC VOICE's
token ]
JOEL: [ Not paying attention as TOM and CROW think of an example ]
You want the Peanuts edition?
MAGIC VOICE: Yes, please.
GYPSY: I hope I get the Lionel Train edition.
CROW: There's...
[ As JOEL takes cash from MAGIC VOICE's pile and turns over a card ]
GYPSY: Automan.
CROW: [ Leaping on it ] Yeah! Automan!
TOM: Yeah, and ... uh ... well, just lots of stuff. What's with it?
JOEL: [ Rolling ] Ooh, sorry, Tom, you got a four.
TOM: [ As JOEL moves his piece to "Income Tax" ] Aw, sheesh. Still.
JOEL: [ Taking 10 percent from TOM's pile. ] In the 80s we suddenly
had computers going from the mysterious impersonal things sending
Johnny Carson comically misaddressed letters to these curious and
friendly things in every home.
CROW: [ As JOEL rolls, and moves CROW's piece up seven. ] Ooh, chance.
JOEL: [ Taking a card. ] Advance to London Edition.
CROW: I'll take it. So, what, people just jumped on the newest thing?
JOEL: [ Rolling, advancing his piece to GYPSY's, and giving her some
cash. ]
Well, there were a lot of articles about how computers think
differently from you and me ... me, anyway. How everything's
binary, yes/no, on/off, how they could turn ninety degrees but
not just a smidgen to the side ... it fired the imagination,
there was this alien worldview there for the price of an RF
adaptor to hook your Color Computer up to the living room set.
TOM: And that's an excuse to put Desi Arnaz Junior on TV?
JOEL: Hey, the eight-bit computing era was a great time.
CROW: Hold on now. We may not have been there, but that
doesn't mean we don't know all about it.
TOM: Mostly it was people saying you could keep recipes on an
Atari 800 and being deservedly ridiculed.
JOEL: The Micro Adventure book series gave us a world of international
espionage with the fantasy of portable computers and secret
messages given us in X-Men comics. A few far-thinkers worked
out schemes where two programs would run at the same time but
we never knew why we'd want to.
TOM: The computer had sixteen colors, and three of them were grey.
CROW: It was an achievement to have both text and a graphic on screen.
JOEL: Or it was HIRES2 mode.
GYPSY: They thought everybody would have to learn BASIC.
JOEL: We knew something about Wordstar.
TOM: Another point for us.
CROW: You had to *type in* programs, especially if you forgot your
*tape* drive.
JOEL: [ Noddding, happily ] And there were rumors how if you used the
modem just right you could get free phone calls, of if you had
the right sound programs you didn't need a modem, you could
just hold the phone up to the TV set.
GYPSY: Couldn't you lose your program by looking at the disk directory?
JOEL: Yeah, if you didn't move the start of memory for the listing,
like who didn't know how to do that?
CROW: Radio Shack pushed comic books.
JOEL: The Microcomputer Kids told us Superman's brain was exactly
as powerful as a TRS-80 Model I.
TOM: That was the pre-Crisis Superman, right?
JOEL: Yeah.
CROW: Mmm... that's probably fair.
JOEL: They also said someday in the future we'd read the Metropolis
Daily Planet on the computer, and play chess with students
thousands of miles away, and shop online or even send
electronic mail messages.
TOM: Yeah, the Coleco Adam was a slice of the 21st century dropped
on your desk.
JOEL: We knew how to swap out ROM and fix the ASC function bug even
if we never used it, ever.
TOM: The only thing animated on a computer was that guy juggling
checkered balls on Amiga screens.
JOEL: Yeah! They'd never imagine the movie Rocky and Bullwinkle,
Scooby-Doo, or Stuart Little 2.
CROW: Your disk drive got faster if you blanked out the screen.
JOEL: A good seven percent faster! Try that on today's hardware.
TOM: And it went out of alignment whenever anybody in the county
sneezed.
JOEL: Mine never did. Except once.
GYPSY: Wasn't there a save-with-replace bug?
JOEL: Yeah, but if you remember how the 4040 turned into the 1540
and then the 1541 and 1571 it was completely avoidable.
A lot of the time.
TOM: 3-2-1 Contact magazine claimed you needed to know what "modem"
stands for.
JOEL: That was Enter magazine. It only folded *into* 3-2-1 Contact.
CROW: They put membrane keyboards on computers!
JOEL: On the Mattel Aquarius. We didn't buy it then either.
GYPSY: A sprite could have color or be big enough to see.
TOM: The only messaging was to whoever logged on the bulletin board
system after you freed up the line.
JOEL: But they helped you change your cursor to the USS Discovery
from "2001".
CROW: You never got an upgrade or a bug patch either.
JOEL: And the computer was ready the second you turned on the power.
TOM: They tried to sell people the Commodore 16.
JOEL: And then somehow we got GEOS, Omni bought out Compute!'s Gazette
and in the blink of an eye it was all gone. Computers became
an expensive way to play solitaire and get fifty unwanted
e-mails a day. But for a little while there was magic, there
was love, there was a dream that was ... Camelot.
CROW: And it came with lines to change if you were typing it in to
an Apple IIc.
MAGIC VOICE: Commercial sign in five seconds.
JOEL: It was a golden age.
TOM: The computers were slow, cranky, and awkward.
[ COMMERCIAL SIGN flashes ]
JOEL: They couldn't have been better. We'll be right back.
[ JOEL taps COMMERCIAL SIGN. ]