MiST-a-post
Holly Elliott
another post on the new (alt.conspiracy, I think). Keep the
flamethrowers on low, I did the best I could. Constructive
comments are always welcome, along with any shameless flattery
and kissing up. Hope you enjoy it!
Scene opens on the SOL
Tom, Gypsy, and Crow are all standing around playing a game. A cup
is glued on top of Tom's head, and Gypsy is trying to spit pingpong
balls from her mouth into the cup. She's not doing well. Crow is
picking up the pingpong balls and throwing them back into Gypsy's
mouth. She is missing most of these too.
Enter Joel.
Joel - Hey guys, what's up?
Tom - Oh, nothing, just keeping busy.
Tom starts moving around now, trying to catch the miss-spitted balls
with the cup on his head.
Joel - Watch out, you are going to break something!
Just then, Gypsy leans back, trying to catch a pingpong ball that
Crow has thrown, and falls over.
Gypsy - Ooohhh!
Joel - Are you okay, girl?
Gypsy - ohhh, wah, wha happen?
Joel - Why don't you go rest.
She wanders off.
Crow - Sorry, Joel. I thought she had that one.
Tom - Yeah, she was just getting the hang of it.
Joel - You guys are made of very delicate parts, how many times
do I have to tell you that? I spend more hours fixing parts
you've broken then I did putting you together in the first
place! Oh, nevermind, the mads are calling.
Dr. F - Good day, Joel. Are you ready for our invention exchange?
Crow tries to bat the cup off of Tom's head when Joel isn't looking.
Tom hits back at Crow, accidentally knocking Crow's arm off.
Joel - We are ready, and we are really excited about our invention
today. How many times have you been recording a program off
of commercial television, trying to clip out the commercials
only to find yourself with a bit of commercial here and a
missing part of your show there? Well, with this box, you
will never have to sit on the edge of the couch with your
finger on the pause button again. The box connects up to
the vcr, taking input from the tv. When it detects a commercial,
it automatically pauses the tape, starting it again when the
commercials are done. Show him, Crow.
Crow goes to a television set with a VCR set up on it. The television
is showing a generic sitcom, and the sound of canned laughter can be
heard. Next to the tv is a black box with a big red button on it.
Using his remaining arm, Crow hits the button. A moment passes, when
suddenly, a spark comes from the VCR, and it goes up in smoke.
All - Aaaahhh!
Joel - Quick! The fire extingusher!
Tom is using Crow's fallen limb attempting to beat out the flames.
Joel gets a fire extinguisher, and puts out the blaze.
Dr. F, Frank - Hahahahahahah!
Dr. F wipes his eyes with a handkerchief.
Dr. F - That was great Joel, I'll be sure to send my mother-in-law one.
Frank - But you don't have a mother-in-law.
Dr. F - Shut up, Frank! Our invention this week, Joel, is along a
similar line. We have invented a box that edits out meaningful
dialog and plot development from any show on tape, leaving you
with the pure enjoyment of mindless television. Simply put the tape
into the box, and it automatically splices out the undesired
parts. As a test, Frank and I taped 6 hours of PBS today.
Put the tape in the box, Frank.
Frank - Okay.
Frank holds a tape and with a flourish, drops it in a hole in a black
box. The box starts to shake, and then it begins spewing pieces of
video tape back out the hole. The shaking stops and the tape pops up
like toast from a toaster.
Dr. F grabs the tape, showing it to the camera.
Dr. F - As you can see all the heavy, thought-provoking material has
been removed, leaving what is without a doubt, a much more
enjoyable video. Put the tape in the VCR and show them, Frank.
Frank puts the tape in the VCR and hits PLAY. Immediately, Barney the
Dinosaur shows up on the screen singing.
VCR - "I love youuuu, you love meeeee..."
SOL crew - AAAARRRRGGGG!!!!!!!
Dr. F - Stop that, Joel. And speaking of mindless enjoyment, I think
you are going to really enjoy today's post. It's from A. J.
Teel, who, though not as good as the late R. McElwaine, is
showing some promise. Today's selection is a post of a
speech given to Congress, enjoy!
Joel - Aaaaaa, we got post sign!
6..5..4..3..2..1
Post: "U.S. is bankrupt"
From: A. J. Teel, Sui Juris <at...@nyx.cs.du.edu>
...........................................................................
The United States of America is a bankrupt nation. This bankruptcy
occured in the 1930's under President Roosevelt when the Federal Reserve
called in the debt. If anyone doubts this, please see the statement by Mr.
Traficant below.
Crow - Joel, I don't doubt it. Can I go now?
Joel - Sit down.
Crow - Awww.
I hope that this provokes some thoughts. It sure did in me.
Crow - I'm having a thought...BITE ME!
Joel - Uh, Crow...
Crow - Sorry, Joel.
--------------------------- cut here ----------------------------
Tom - Snip, snip!
The Congressional Record
Joel - 0 wins, 535 losers, uh, I mean losses.
Volume 134 Number 33, Wednesday, March 17, 1993
(Mr. TRAFICANT asked and was given permission to revise and extend his
remarks.)
Mr. TRAFICANT: Mr. Speaker, we are here now in Chapter 11.
Tom - I missed the previous chapters, what's happened so far?
Joel - Just meaningless drivel.
Members of Congress are official trustees
Joel - But not trust-ed!
presiding over the greatest
reorganization of any bankrupt entity in world history, the U.S.
Government.
Tom - Wow, including Donald Trump?
We are setting forth hopefully a blueprint for our future. There are
some who say it is a coroner's report that will lead to our demise.
Crow - Doesn't the coroner's report come AFTER the demise?
Tom - It's a pychic coroner.
I am going to support this rule. I am not sure yet if I will support
this budget. I want to hear an awful lot more, not being a member of the
committee, and I am not going to vote for things I do not understand or do
not like, but let there be no mistake.
Tom - Joel, he lost me.
Crow - Yeah, what is his point here?
Joel - That is the mark of a fine politician. He says lots of
things that don't say anything.
After 12 years of Ronald
Joel - McDonald?
Reagan and
George Bush, we are standing here.
Let me say this to the minority party.
Crow - Why wasn't I invited?! I'm never invited to parties!
Every program that Ronald
Reagan wanted in 1981, he got. Reagan got it.
Tom - Too bad this guy doesn't.
There was a Republican Senate
majority and there were 70 Democrats in this House that might as well have
been
Tom - Dead?
Republicans
Joel - Same thing.
and we have the program.
The major assumption was very simple.
Crow - Money grows on trees.
"We are going to cut taxes, put
money in the pockets of the American people, and when they spend this money
our gross national product is going to rise so great that even though we
reduced your tax liability on a percentile basis, we will balance the
budget," quoting Ronald Reagan, in 1982. It is going to take the fall of
our Congress, I think, for that to happen.
Mr. Speaker, let us give this new administration a chance. Democrats
gave Ronald Reagan a chance.
But let me give one word of caution here today. America already has
race wars, let us be honest about it. We already have gender wars, let us
be honest about it. We already have age wars, let us be honest about it.
Joel - It gives me the chills to see a politician using the word honest
so much.
One thing this Congress had better not get involved in
Tom - with is 19 year old co-eds.
and get
Crow - caught
trapped
Tom - Whatever.
into a class war on money. In America, if you can not earn all that you
can, there is something wrong and there is no more a spirit of free
enterprise.
Joel - That's kinda the spirit that the Congress has about it's earning
potential. I mean after all, they keep voting themselves raises.
Tom - Joel, tell the mads that we want more money.
Joel - We don't get paid.
Tom - What?! Where's my agent?!
I want to say this to the Members.
Crow - Bite me! It's fun!
We may talk about taxing the rich,
but, the rich people have already taken their companies and their jobs out
of America. Be careful that the rich people do not take their money out of
America,
Tom - Didn't he just say that they already did?
Crow - Maybe he forgot.
because the government already raises our kids, defends our
families, educates our kids, feeds our kids, houses our kids,
Tom - on huge kid farms in a isolated section of Arizona.
and the
government is doing a very poor job of it. I think mom and dad would be
better utilized there once again.
Tom - They were utilized. Where does he think those kids come from?
So I am going to listen to the debate. I do not know if I will vote
for this budget.
Crow - Because I may be out of town on an all expense paid fact-finding
trip to Jamaica.
Finally,
Tom - Alright! The end of the post.
I do not know if the budget makes one damn bit of difference,
because we waive it all the time and I do not think we have ever followed
it. I think we have an excellent chairman who worked hard. If we are going
to have [a] budget, we should follow it. If not, we once again as Members
waste both our time and the people's time.
Let me say this just in closing.
Tom - No, wait! I thougth you said you were done!
Today is not the mother of all
Joel - tomorrows?
debates and the mother of all
All - Seen it!
decisions. When that tax package comes, you
will have the mother of all votes on the floor.
Joel - cleaning the carpet, because these congressmen are always making
such a mess!
Let me say this,
Tom - NO! You said you were closing! Doesn't this guy ever stop?
Joel - Calm down, Tom.
Tom - It's not fair.
I am not for voting any more taxes on the backs of
the American people,
Crow - He's going to do all of his voting on the backs of llamas now.
because I believe the taxes of 1980 put us right here
today, and I am very concerned about the tax package being discussed in
this Congress.
I am one Democrat who believes we should stimulate the private sector.
Tom - Woo, woo! I'm all for that!
Joel - Uh, Tom...
Tom - Sorry, Joel.
We already have made more government jobs than factory jobs, and I think
that this is an idictment of our Congress.
One basic tenet to this Constitution is life, liberty, and the pursuit
of happiness
Crow - That's five..
Tom - Three, sir.
Crow - ..three things, not one.
and there can be no life, liberty, or pursuit of happiness in
America without
Tom - the occasional cold beer
Crow - and naked co-eds!
Tom - and stimulation of the private sector!
Crow - and...
Joel - Cut that out!
[a] job.
I would like to see the mother of all debates
Crow - Dancing naked on the tables!
center around the jobs
bill.
[James Traficant, Jr. (202) 225-5261
State Office (216) 788-2414
Mr. Traficant was a Law Enforcement Agent; Poland]
--------------------------- end here ----------------------------
...........................................................................
End: "U.S. is bankrupt"
--
With Explicit Reservation of All Rights (U.C.C. 1-207),
Regards, -A. J. Teel-, Sui Juris (at...@nyx.cs.du.edu).
Finger for PGP 2.2 PUBLIC KEY BLOCK
Tom - Hey Joel, he's giving us the finger!
Crow - Yeah? Well, bite me, pal!
Joel - Easy guys, it's the end.
All - Yea!!!
1...2...3...4...5...6
Scene : Tom and Crow are working at the table, with plenty of paper
and pencils.
Tom - Okay, now what about video games?
Crow - $500 a month, that includes Game Gear and SuperNintendo.
Tom - Good enough. What about the accessories?
Crow - Ah, we'll allow $100 a month for that.
Joel - What are you little bots up to?
Crow - Oh, we are writing ourselves a budget.
Tom - Yeah, a balanced budget is very important these days.
Spending must be controlled to keep the debt low.
Joel - Really? I'm proud of you, your showing the signs of a
responsible adult. Let me see that...
<takes paper>
Joel - What's this? $200 for magazine subscriptions? Heeeyyy,
you're too young to subscribe to that one! And what about
this item, "Ram chips, $1000"?
Crow - Mmmm, ram chips!
Joel - You guys don't have that much money, your budget won't work.
Tom - But that's the beauty of our system, Joel. Whenever we want
to buy..
Crow(softly) - ramchip
Tom - ..something that is not in the budget, ..
Crow(softly) - ramchip
Tom - ..or is more than our budget
allows, we just take a tip from Congress..
Crow(softly) - ramchip
Tom - ..and waive the budget!
Sure, we will spend ourselves into a ..
Crow(softly) - ramchip
Tom - ..huge, unrecoverable debt,
but then we can just join in the company of ..
Crow(softly) - ramchip
Tom - ..the US government...
Crow - ...and Donald Trump...
Tom - ...and declare bankruptcy!
Joel - That's not how it's supposed to work. You are supposed to
determine how much money you are taking in, figure out what
you need to spend it on, and allot a certain amount of money
for those items.
Tom - Uh, Joel, we don't care.
Crow - Yeah, it's more fun our way.
Joel - But...but, nevermind, the mads are calling. Whadda think, sirs?
--
~ Holly Elliott
~ DSC Communications
~ Email: hell...@dsccc.com