[MSTing] What the Hell is Going On with short: UNDER-18-AGE (comments welcome)
Tom Servo
i read the whole thing and thought it was really professionally done! i
could actually hear
Crow, Tom Servo, and Mike saying some of that stuff!
good job! keep them coming!
-Conor
(tomservo)
scArA wrote in message <36afd6b1...@news.early.com>...
>DISCLAIMERS!!!
>This is my first MiSTing, so, as RaveN said, bear with me no matter
>how much it may suck. Feedback is much appreciated, in fact, expected.
>I constantly refer to the SOL as "bone" in the door sequences.
>Otherwise, enjoy.
>
>(THX sound system noise with logo)
>MSTHX: The audience is riffing
>
>In the not-too-distant future
>In a flying VW van
>A woman named Pearl Forrester
>Invented an evil plan
>She borrowed a guy with a brain in a dish
>And an ape with a brain as large as a fish
>She found a castle the other day
>And she will torture Michael Nelson in her entertaining way!
>
>(Mike: MOOOOOVIE SIGN!!)
>
>I'll send him cheese and crackers,
>Some Usenet posts as well. (la la la)
>He'll sit down and make fun of them,
>It'll be as funny as hell! (ha ha ha)
>Now keep in mind no one controls
>What these maniacs can post (la la la)
>But humor can be brought to you
>With the aid of robotic hosts!
>
>ROBOT ROLL CALL:
>
>CAMBOT! (--BATT LOW--)
>GYPSY! (I like falsetto!)
>TOM SERVO! (El Belcharino!)
>CROOOOW! (I'm bliiiiind!)
>
>If you're thinking that this installment
>Gives the MUT3K name shame (La la la)
>All you have to do is get online,
>And give the author blame!
>
>It's Mystery Usenet Theater 3000!
>
>(twang)
>
>(O... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... bone)
>
>(Crow and Tom are sitting in front of a TV, laughing. Mike walks in)
>
>Mike: Hi, everyone, welcome to the Satellite of Love. I'm Mike Nelson,
>and Crow and Tom seem to be watching something funny...
>Crow: Ha ha ha HA! Bart flushed the cherry bomb down the toilet!
>Tom: And now Principal Skinner's mother's all wet!
>(Crow and Tom laughing uncontrollably)
>Mike: Oh, hey, it's the Simpsons.
>Tom: Yeah, it's the classic episode where Bart gets transferred to
>France.
>Crow: They made it ten years ago.
>Tom: Ten years! And it _still_ hasn't lost that comic edge!
>Mike: Yeah, my favorite is the one where Homer gets charged with
>sexual harassment.
>Crow: I'm _mad_ about the one where Bart and Homer go camping with
>Flanders!
>Tom: Each year, the Halloween episode promises laughter, and boy, does
>it ever deliver!
>Crow: Let's not forget all of the classic lines.
>Tom: Oh, yeah, like (as Kent Brockman) "This just in: go to hell!"
>Crow: And (as Comic Book Store Guy) "Oooh, loneliness and
>cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix!"
>Tom: And the products like "Tubbbb!"
>Crow: Krusty's merchandise!
>Tom: Homer's stupidity!
>Crow: And after all these years, they are STILL coming up with new
>ways to sit on a simple couch!
>(Crow and Tom fall apart laughing)
>Mike: Oh, great. I sure hope that I didn't lose the manual...
>(Commercial Sign light flashes)
>Mike: We'll be right back.
>
>(MST3K Planet Logo)
>
>(Commercial: Some aliens who work for the Sci-Fi Channel download
>food)
>
>(SOL bridge. Crow and Tom have been rebuilt)
>
>Mike: Yes, The Simpsons is a long-running and humorous show.
>Crow: Yeah. Name one other show that has been on as long or is as
>funny.
>Mike: Well, there is this show I watch from time to time...
>Tom: Yeah?
>Mike: It was on for more than ten years... it's about this guy who
>built robots and watches these _awful_ movies. Kinda like what we're
>doing here.
>Crow: Yeah, I know that show. The original guy left, and with the new
>guy, the show kinda... sucks.
>Mike: Well, I enjoy the new guy.
>Tom: Well, _you_ would.
>(Light flashes)
>Mike: Knock it off. Groucho, Harpo, and Chico are calling.
>
>(Castle Forrester)
>
>Pearl: Mike, do you know what a non sequitur is?
>
>(SOL)
>
>Mike: (grabs a dictionary out of nowhere and reads it) non se-qui-tur,
>noun. 1. An inference or conclusion that does not follow from the
>premises or evidence.
>
>(CF)
>
>Pearl: Read the other one.
>
>(SOL)
>
>Mike: 2. A statement that does not follow logically from what preceded
>it. It's Latin for "it does not follow."
>
>(CF)
>
>Pearl: Well, Nelson, I can tell you know how to read a dictionary. I
>can also tell that all of you are familiar with a little show called
>"The Simpsons."
>
>(SOL)
>
>Bots: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
>
>(CF)
>
>Pearl: Well, what would happen if I told you that someone combined the
>two? Of course, it turned out for the worse... it's your fanfic today.
>It's called "What the Hell is Going On?" Enjoy!
>Bobo: Hey, Brain Guy, how did your surgery go?
>Observer: Well, it was a half an hour late, so I got my pizza for
>free!
>Bobo: I thought you were going to buy a computer!
>Observer: Well, my car keys were in the can of tuna.
>Pearl: Bobo! Send Mike the Simpsons fic.
>
>(SOL)
>
>Crow: Alright, Mike. The new guy does have his moments, like when the
>gold robot with the beak pretended to be a skull, and the new guy
>freaked out and started beating it with a golf club!
>Tom: And when that guy and the robots put up cardboard cutouts and
>snuck out of the theater? Pure genius!
>Mike: Yeah, I wish I would have thought of that...
>
>(Fanfic sign)
>
>Mike: Whoa, no time to think! FANFIC SIGN!
>Crow: Golf club.
>
>(6... 5... 4... 3... 2... O... theater)
>
>(Mike and the bots enter)
>
>> Subject: MY NEW EPIS--And if you order now, you'll get a ballpoint pen, a
rollerball pen...
>
>All: Huh? Penalli pens?
>
>> We now return to "Planet of the Apes" on Turner Commercials Theater.
>
>Crow: Alright, I'm outta here.
>All: (mumbling agreement and leaving theater)
>
>(O... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... bone)
>
>Mike: Bobo?
>
>(Castle Forrester)
>
>(Pearl is hitting Bobo with the videotape)
>
>Bobo: Honestly! I didn't know that I was recording over something!
>
>Pearl: Well, now how will I torture Mike? I know. Nelson, Bobo screwed
>up royal and you're paying for it! Here's "UNDER-18-AGE." I'm going to
>try to find another copy of the Simpsons fic.
>
>(SOL)
>
>(Fanfic sign)
>Mike: Fanfic sign again?
>Crow: So soon?
>Tom: That was short.
>
>(6... 5... 4... 3... 2... O... theater)
>
>>UNDER-18-AGE
>
>Tom: (singing) If you're under-18-age you won't be doing any time...
>Crow: (joins Tom) Hey-ey-ey, come out and play!
>Mike: You gotta keep 'em separated.
>
>>From: no-...@sokukoukira.jp
>
>Mike: Any guesses so far?
>Tom: Ooh! Ooh! It's a new cover of Alice Cooper's "I'm Eighteen!"
>Crow: A story about underage drinking in Japan?
>Mike: I'll have to say it's about--
>Tom: Shut up, it's starting!
>
>>Date: Sun, Dec 27, 1998 01:09 EST
>
>Crow: It was a day in December, a day I'll never remember.
>Mike: But I was going to say--
>Tom: Hush!
>Mike: But--
>Tom: Sh!
>
>>Message-id: <271298...@sokukoukira.jp>
>
>Tom: Isn't "sokukoukira" a kind of sauce? It's a cooking show!
>Crow: That's Suki Yaki, Teri Yaki's sister. Anyway, it's adult
>material!
>Mike: I'll still have to say--
>Crow: Will you shut up already!
>
>>
>
>Tom: Okay...
>
>>
>
>Crow: This is obviously a dramatic lead-in.
>
>>
>
>Mike: It looks like it's about--
>(Tom hits Mike with his non-working arm)
>Mike: Ahh! How did you do that?
>
>>
>
>(all three waiting)
>
>>
>
>(losing patience)
>
>>
>
>(down to one nerve)
>
>>
>
>Tom and Crow: (freaking out) AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
>
>>
>
>Tom: Mike! Mike! Save us!
>
>>
>
>Crow: Only you can save us now!
>Mike: Well, look who's come crawling back.
>(Mike picks Tom up)
>Mike: Come on, let's go.
>(Crow makes a mad dash out of the theater)
>
>(O... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... bone)
>
>Mike: If only you would have let me speak, I would have told you...
>Tom: We're listening, tell us now!
>Mike: I was surfing the Net last night, and this message came on just
>about every newsgroup.
>Crow: And? And?
>Mike: It was blank! I tried to tell you, but you were too excited.
>Tom: It was horrible, Mike!
>Crow: The title suggested something interesting, but nothing happened!
>(both screaming in horror)
>Mike: Pearl, how could you do something so insensitive?
>
>(Castle Forrester)
>
>Pearl: Well, let's see... maybe it's because I'M EVIL!
>
>(SoL)
>
>Mike: I should have guessed, only someone like you could have spawned
>someone like Dr. Forrester.
>
>(CF)
>
>Pearl: Please don't mention my son to me.
>
>(SoL)
>
>Mike: Well, he started this whole thing with the movies, he sent that
>guy up here, the guy that built the robots, that I helped escape...
>what was his name again?
>Crow: Joel, I think. (resumes screaming)
>Mike: Right. He tried to kill me when I was a temp. Then you come
>along and kill him, and what do you do to us? This!
>
>(CF)
>
>Pearl and Bobo: What do you want from us? We're evil! EVIL! (looking
>at each other with disgust)
>Pearl: Why did I just say that? Anyway, get your butt and ro-butts
>back into the theater. I remembered I bought a special "Mike Nelson
>Torture VCR" for just such an emergency. Here is my special backup
>copy of "What the hell is going on." I also dug up some information
>that will TERRIFY you... it seems that the author is really resident
>alt.tv.simpsons troublemaker Alan Paz. Enjoy... or NOT!
>
>(SoL)
>
>Mike: Geez, what's her problem?
>Crow: (Woody Allen voice) Maybe she's getting her...
>Mike: Crow, what did I tell you about the Woody Allen references?
>Crow: To make as many as possible.
>Mike: As long as they're TASTEFUL.
>(fanfic sign)
>Mike: H2 Whoa! It's Fanfic Sign!
>
>(6... 5... 4... 3... 2... O... theater)
>
>> Subject: MY NEW EPISODE - READ IT
>
>Tom: DON'T DREAM IT - BE IT
>Mike: TAKE THIS JOB AND - SHOVE IT
>Crow: MY NAME IS CROW - BITE ME
>Tom: MY OWN SUMMER - (SHOVE IT)
>Mike: Hey, I already did a "Shove It" line.
>Tom: Sorry, Mike, I got the Deftones CD the other day and I just
>couldn't resist.
>
>> From: iam...@aol.comNOSPAM (I AM A DER)
>
>Tom: A der, eh?
>Crow: I've had problems with ders before.
>Mike: Oh, yeah? Name one.
>Crow: Well, er... and then there's... what about that guy with the
>brain?
>Mike: That's the Observer!
>Crow: Oh, yeah. Well, never mind.
>Tom: And that spam block...
>Crow: Yeah, as if Alan Paz has problems with spam.
>
>> Date: 12/18/98 6:09 PM
>
>Tom: On this day in 1983, nothing happened.
>
>> Message-id: <19981218130953...@ng42.aol.com>
>
>Mike: This is binary code for "Worst episode ever."
>
>> "What the hell is going on" - part 1
>
>Crow: "Part 1"?
>Tom: You mean there will soon be... A SEQUEL?!?!?
>Mike: Don't hold your breath.
>Crow: But what if there is? Huh?
>Tom: Chaos will reign supreme!
>(Both are now screaming and running amuck)
>Mike: Stop that, guys. It's starting.
>
>> HOMER Hello Apu.
>> APU Hello Homer.
>
>Mike: (narrating) It is the start of a peaceful day, as Homer meet Apu
>at the local Convenience Mart.
>Tom: Don't you mean Kwik-E...
>Mike: (Groundskeeper Willie) Shh! You wanna get sued?
>
>> HOMER I`m Apu.
>> APU I`m Homer.
>
>Tom: When suddenly, the scene plunges into utter CHAOS!
>
>> APU No actually I`m Apu.
>
>Tom: Ah, that's much better.
>
>> HOMER I`m Apu`s homer.
>> APU I`m Homer`s apu.
>
>Crow: I thought slavery was abolished.
>Mike: What???
>Crow: Well, back in the pre-Civil War days, if Mrs. Watson had a dog
>named Jim, he would be named Jim Watson. If, however, Mrs. Watson had
>a slave named Jim, he would be Mrs. Watson's Jim. I read it in a book.
>Mike: "Tom Sawyer?"
>Crow: No, that was a song by Rush, not a book.
>
>> HOMER What`s a homer?
>
>Mike: Homer's a kwyjibo. Don't you remember?
>
>> APU What`s an apu?
>
>Crow: An Indian convenience store clerk. Basically, all things to all
>people.
>
>> HOMER Do you like fish?
>> APU You do like fish.
>> HOMER No, do YOU like fish.
>
>Mike: No, do YOU like fish.
>Crow: (Homer) No, do YOU like fish.
>Mike: No, do YOU like fish.
>Crow: (Homer) No, do YOU like fish.
>Mike: No, do YOU like fish.
>Crow: (Homer) No, do YOU like fish.
>Mike: No, do YOU... this is getting monotonous.
>Crow: Yeah, let's stop.
>
>> APU Oh! Do I like fish? I like do fish. I DO like fish.
>
>Mike: I'm allergic to do fish. Do fish make my bottom burble.
>Crow: I, on the other hand, enjoy do fish, be fish, am fish, are fish,
>is fish, and trout.
>
>> HOMER Fish do you like. You do like fish
>
>Tom: Stinks episode this.
>
>> APU Are you a hamster
>> HOMER I ham a hamster.
>> APU You ham a hamster? Hamster hams me, not you!
>
>Tom: (Apu) So (raspberry) on you!
>
>> HOMER You ham a ham.
>> APU No, I not do ham a ham.
>
>Tom: This isn't the season for ham.
>Crow: It's more the season for turkey.
>
>> HOMER Oh, you pork a pork.
>
>Mike: Crow, I know you're tempted to say something here, but don't do
>it.
>Crow: But Mike, I...
>Mike: No.
>Crow: But...
>Mike: No!
>Crow: I was just gonna say...
>Mike: Sh!
>Crow: Aw, for the love of...
>Mike: Sh!
>
>> APU No no no no no no! I veg a veg!
>> HOMER Oh, you carnivorous vegetarian!
>
>All: (singing) She don't eat meat,
>Crow: But she sure like a bone!
>
>> APU Oh, you vegivorous carnitarian!
>
>Mike: Remind me to look those words up.
>
>> HOMER Are you watching the TV
>> APU I not watch TV!
>> HOMER Who am I?
>> APU Kenneth Starr.
>
>All: (humming dramatic music) Dun dun dun DAAAAH!
>
>> HOMER No I`m not Kenneth Starr.
>> APU Are you homer simpson
>
>Mike: (John Daly) No. That's one down, nine to go. Mr. Cerf?
>
>> HOMER Am I Homer Simpson? I am Homer Simpson! You are Principal
Skinner!
>
>Mike: There's an "I Am The Walrus" reference in here somewhere, but
>it's just too easy.
>
>> APU No I am Groundskeeper Willie. Willie keeps the grounds. I m
not Willie
>
>Tom: See, that's the problem. These non-sequiturs are going by so
>fast. With the section "Willie keeps the grounds" I could have said
>something about Bob Dole, and "I m not Willie" could have prompted
>both a typo joke from me...
>Crow: ... and an "I. M. Weasel" reference from me! But no, this won't
>happen!
>Mike: There, there, guys, don't blame yourselves. Blame the idiot
>writer!
>(John Plasket suddenly pops in.)
>John: I just thought it would be easier not to separate the lines. So
>sue me!
>(He disappears)
>Mike: "Separate the lines" my foot.
>
>> HOMER WHAT?
>> (Homer runs off.)
>
>Crow: Something that, if he was smart, he would have done a long time
>ago.
>Tom: But he's NOT smart, so quit trying to alter history!
>Crow: (Steve Martin voice) Well, excuuuuuuuuse me!
>
>> SCENE 2
>
>Mike: Electric Boogaloo.
>Tom: Come on, Mike. Joel used that joke six years ago.
>Mike: Who? Oh, right.
>
>>
>> LISA Hello Marge, do you work for Biotec
>
>Mike: If Lisa's so smart, wouldn't she know better than to call her
>parents by their first names?
>Tom: Don't read into it too much.
>
>> MARGE What is Biotec
>
>Mike: Sounds like the evil corporation in a James Bond movie.
>Bots: (James Bond theme) Dun-dundundun-DAAH-dun-dun-dun...
>
>> LISA Fish plants.
>
>Bots: Dun-dundundun-D-oh. D'oh!
>
>> BART VNBUIFSBPHUISFNPGUBSINBJPBNSDIBNSIPNBUSPNFJISPNFUJ!
>
>Crow: (as Marge) Now, Bart, you know how we feel about you using that
>word...
>
>> LISA You are a piece of bacon Bart.
>
>Mike: I'd have to say Bart's more of a pineapple. What do you think?
>Crow: He's a zigzag.
>Tom: Bed of spikes.
>
>> MARGE Where`s Kent Brockman
>
>Mike: Well, if this part is anything like the rest of this post, I'd
>venture to say that he will appear out of nowhere saying something
>strange.
>
>> KENT OOOOH I LIKE DANISH PASTRIES
>
>Tom: This reminds me of the time when I was a toaster pastry...
>(Mike hits Tom)
>Tom: Aah! What did you do that for, Mike?
>Mike: It sounded like you were going into a flashback. I just didn't
>want to risk it.
>Tom: Thank you, Mike. You... you did a really good thing.
>
>> MARGE WHAT?
>
>Crow: (slowly, as in "Prince of Space") HE... LIKES... DANISH...
>PASTRIES!!! Jeez!
>
>> KENT I live in Richmond Virginia. I drive tractors and I eat ham
>
>Tom: Wow, what a life.
>Mike: I envy this man.
>
>> Green eggs and ham
>
>Tom: I will not read this in a boat.
>Crow: I will not read this with a goat.
>Mike: I will not read this with a bat.
>Tom: I will not read this... while wearing a hat!
>Crow: I will not read this while eating an orange.
>Mike: I will not read this... ... I just won't, OK?
>
>> RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRYES
>
>Crow: The question here, is this "rrr... yes" or "ryes?"
>Tom: RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRNO
>Mike: WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWHEATS
>Crow: This has been a production of...
>All: (humming fanfare)
>Crow: ...one seriously screwed up mind.
>(Leaving theater)
>Tom: (Apu) Thank you, come again!
>
>(O... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... bone)
>
>(Mike and Crow walk onto the bridge of the SOL)
>
>Mike: So, Crow, what did you think about that Simpsons fic?
>Crow: I'm Tom Servo.
>(Tom enters)
>Tom (to Mike): Hi, Gypsy. I'm Crow.
>Mike: Okay, what is going on?
>Crow (to Mike): Well, Servo, ever since that Simpsons fic, I've been
>confused about my identity. (to Servo) Isn't that right, Magic Voice?
>Tom: Right, Cambot. Oh, here comes Flavia.
>(Gypsy enters)
>Gypsy: Hi, Mike.
>Mike: Hello, Gypsy.
>Tom: Hi, Bobo. I'm Ortega.
>Crow: No, Pearl, you're Ned the Nanite. _I'm_ the Observer.
>Gypsy (startled): I think I'll have decaf. (leaving)
>Mike: Pearl, what's the big idea?
>
>(Castle Forrester, which now looks like a Kwik-E-Mart (tm))
>
>Pearl: Well, it's simple, really. If I can't cause pain with the
>movies, I'll drive you completely bats with the confusion that is
>caused. And, by the looks of things, it worked.
>
>(SOL. Tom and Crow are running around chaotically)
>
>Crow: (using other hand as a fencing foil) En garde, Will Robinson!
>You will taste the blade of Frank yet!
>Tom: Crow, you're a block of scrapple.
>Mike: Well, what's going on down there? You appear to have some sort
>of convenience store...
>
>(CF)
>
>Pearl: Well, Bobo had the hare-brained idea of turning my castle into
>a Kwik-E-Mart (tm)! Customers are running in twenty-four hours a day,
>and the worst part is, I'm the clerk! Bobo is the owner of course, and
>Brain Guy, well...
>(Observer walks in with a pushbroom)
>Observer: This janitorial occupation is demeaning.
>Pearl: Bobo's got kind of a big head about this job.
>(Bobo leaps in, dressed like an executive.)
>Bobo: SUPER BOSS TO THE RESCUE!
>Pearl: See what I mean?
>Bobo: Pearl, you're not doing your job enough from the looks of
>things.
>Pearl: But from the looks of things, there are no customers!
>Bobo: Here's one now.
>(The all-too-familiar Torgo theme plays. Torgo walks in, with a ski
>mask over his head, but you can tell it is him. He takes fifteen
>seconds to walk up to the counter)
>Torgo: thiS iS A hOLdup, hANd OVEr yOur mONEy
>Pearl: Great, just great, a holdup. Bobo, does your Kwik-E-Manual (tm)
>say anything about robberies?
>Bobo: (looking in manual) It says "Ask the robber if he has a weapon."
>Pearl: Do you have a weapon?
>Torgo: Oh, ShOOt, i LEft it iN thE CAr, i LEft it iN the CAr
>Bobo: Here, we'll wait, you go get it.
>Pearl: Bobo, no!
>Torgo: thE mAStEr wOuLd NOt ApprOVE, but whAt thE hELL
>(Torgo takes twenty seconds to walk back to his car)
>Pearl: Bobo, you lunkhead! Don't tell a robber to go his car and
>get... hey, wait! That's that Torgo guy that my son kept telling me
>about... didn't he deliver pizzas before?
>Bobo: I was only trying to help!
>Pearl: Anyway, this guy has huge knees. Once he's hit, he can't get
>up. Brain Guy, you know what to do, right?
>Observer: I think so.
>(Torgo walks in with a gun)
>Torgo: prEpArE tO bE rObbEd, prEpArE tO bE rObbEd
>(Observer hits Torgo with his push broom)
>Torgo: OuCh (falls over)
>(Observer teleport noise, pop. Torgo disappears)
>Pearl: Nice work, Brain Guy. Now give me that pushbroom. (He does)
>BOBO!
>Bobo: Yes?
>(Pearl swings the pushbroom towards Bobo)
>(The screen goes black)
>(Craaaaack)
>
>(Mighty Science Theater starts playing)
>
>This work is copyright 1999 Half-Deranged Productions. It was written
>by John Plasket. This work was also based on a Best Brains Production,
>created by Joel Hodgson. Had this been real, the cast would be:
>Michael J. Nelson as Mike Nelson (SOL) and Torgo (CF)
>Kevin Murphy as Tom Servo (SOL) and Prof. Bobo (CF)
>Bill Corbett as Crow T. Robot (SOL) and Observer (CF)
>Patrick Brantseg as Gypsy (SOL)
>Mary Jo Pehl as Pearl Forrester (CF)
>
>Typed in Shadowrama
>
>Keep circulating the posts
>
>Special thanks to:
>You, the reader, for putting up with me
>People on all MST groups
>Everyone at a.t.g-s
>Miles Davis, for being himself
>The Brains, and whoever they thanked
>
>(twang)
>
>> APU No no no no no no! I veg a veg!
>
>
>--John (scArA) Plasket
>d-range at earthling dot net
>Approaching rapidly: scArA's page of stuff
>http://www.early.com/~twisted/
>
>"Well, ain't that cute... BUT IT'S WRONG!!"
>--large guy from Two Stupid Dogs
