MiSTed - "New Open Debate Foundation"/"WHO IS AGENT ACTION" (2/2)
Bill Livingston
[Part 2]
[6... 5... 4... 3... 2... o]
>From: ag...@agent.com
CROW: Hey, Michael Ovitz's got his own domain!
MIKE: Disney gave it to him so he'd go away
>Newsgroups: alt.tv.rockford-files
MIKE: [James Garner] Hi, this is Jim Rockford. I can't come to the phone,
but leave your name and number, and I'll get back to you. *Beep*
SERVO: [Falsetto] Jim?!? It's me, Mariette Hartley. Why haven't you been
returning any of my calls, you beef-eatin' sunnuva -
>Subject: ***WHO IS AGENT ACTION!?***
SERVO: Merritt Stone?
MIKE: Christopher Chance?
CROW: Penry, the mild-mannered janitor?
>Date: Wed, 2 Apr 1997 08:51:27
>Organization: Concentric Internet Services
SERVO: [singing] Spinning wheels, got to go 'round...
>Lines: 219
CROW: Suddenly, I kinda miss that ol' B&D Collar
>Message-ID: <5hu060$e...@chronicle.concentric.net>
>NNTP-Posting-Host: cnc012031.concentric.net
>Status: N
>
>1
MIKE: [Singing] Singular sensation, every little move you make...
> ** "CLONING" MOVIE MAY PROVOKE THEATER RIOTS! **
MIKE: Ovine Liberation Front picket line turns nasty!
SERVO: Sheep threaten to eat all grass in the city!
CROW: Thousands of lambs stage sit-in: mint jelly sales skyrocket!
>
> Anticipation is so high for the new sci-fi action movie AGENT ACTION! that
> international theater owners are worried.
SERVO: They might actually have to screen it before rejecting it.
> Some feel their venues may be
> the magnet for riots.
MIKE: The great "We Want Our Money Back" uprising of 1997
> One of the movies main themes is human cloning.
> With cloning as a red-hot topic and the movies anticipated big budget look
> with gorgeous nude US playmates,
CROW: And wait'll you see what the guys at ILM have done with them!!!
> the number of moviegoers is predicted to
> be record breaking!
MIKE: Most number of empty theaters for one film?
CROW: Yeah, pretty much
>
> AGENT ACTION! is reported
SERVO: Though not yet confirmed
> to be a sci-fi flick in the secret agent "Bond"
> Style. It sports exotic locations, impressive cinematography, and the
> aforementioned naked, big-breasted actresses.
MIKE: Remember, look for naked, big-breasted actresses at finer cloning
movies near you!
> (Including Erika Olsen /
> Playboy Mar 97) The movie stars and is directed by charismatic and multi
CROW: Tasking?
> talented new leading man William Blair. It features celebrity guest
> villains
CROW: The return of Milton Berle as Lavender Louie
SERVO: Zsa-Zsa Gabor as Minerva
MIKE: Julie Newmar as Catwoman
CROW: Oh, and thanks for everything
> and co-stars the talented Jerry Lee Kmiec.
MIKE: Goodness, Gracious, Great Balls of - um - Kmiec?
>
> AGENT ACTION! is currently in the middle of a heated bidding war by
> international distributors.
SERVO: Yeah, they're hoping for a "friendly fire" incident!
> The winner may have more than just an ordinary
> hit on its hands.
SERVO: It may have a debacle that proves to be the next "Waterworld"
MIKE: Actually, "Waterworld" did a respectable overseas business
SERVO: Yeah, and Mickey Rourke is hot in France, what's your point?!?
> It may have the milestone catalyst of an international event.
CROW: Agent Action! - almost as much fun as a border incursion!
>
>***************************************************************************
SERVO: [Roger Rabbit] Look - stars! I'm ready for my scene, Raoul!
>
>2
>
> OSCAR PICK FAVE FOR 97 ? AGENT ACTION!
MIKE: And the award for nakedest, biggest-breasted actresses in a cloning
motion picture goes to - "AGENT ACTION!"
>
> Talk for the next Oscars has already started. And the news is overwhelming
> for one film:
SERVO: "Anaconda"?
CROW: "Leprechaun IV: Runt of Death"?
MIKE: "Ma and Pa Kettle Meet Frankenstein's Accountant"?
> AGENT ACTION!
CROW: Oh, that was my next choice.
>
> What "ACTION" seems to have is what the current Oscar picks lacked:
MIKE: The potential to go direct-to-video
> both
> great directing, great acting, and great writing all in one.
CROW: You mean it's got both those three?
> And the lions
> credit is
SERVO: MGM
> aimed at one man; multi -talented star and director William
> Blair.l
CROW: Blair.l, son of Jor.l, you *will* bow down before me!
> Insiders are predicting Blair may receive the most multiple Oscar wins
> ever: As best actor, best director, and best writer.
SERVO: But not Best Brains.
MIKE: *Definitely* not Best brains
CROW: ABSOLUTELY not Best Brains
> What's more: as
> producer and special effects director of photography consultant: he might
> also nab the best picture Oscar and cinematography Oscars, too!
SERVO: He's also in line for best screenplay, best original song, best
costume design, the Irving G. Thalberg Memorial Award, and a special
Lifetime Achievement award - all for AGENT ACTION!
> Can Blair
> and
MIKE: Tootie?
> AGENT ACTION! pull off this unprecedented feat?
CROW: Is the Pope Methodist?
MIKE: Does a wild bear perform Beethoven in the woods?
>
> It would certainly be a day for the all time record books.
CROW: The day the most Academy members simultaneously went bonkers!
> Of course this
> is just speculation at this point. One thing is certain, though,
SERVO: Taxes
CROW: What about death?
SERVO: That all depends on one's metaphysical condition, not to mention
the individual's belief system, and -
MIKE: Save it for Philosophy 101, guys
> 1997 is
> the year for moviegoers to enjoy AGENT ACTION!
SERVO: Using big bonfires!
>
>
>---------------------------------------------------------------------------
>3
MIKE: [singing] Is a magic number. Yes it is, it's a magic number.
>
> CAN AGENT ACTION! CRUSH SCHWARZENEGGER?
CROW: Are we talking about the "Predator"/"T2"/"Twins" Arnie or the "Last
Action Hero"/"Junior"/"Jingle All The Way" Arnie?
>
>
> One fact seems clear:
SERVO: The square of the hypotenuse *is* equal to the sum of the squares of
the opposite sides
> William Blair is the world's hot new action star!
> Not only that, he appears to be a
CROW: Figment of our imagination?
SERVO: We can wish
> World-Class director as well. It is
> this multi-talent capability- and freshness-
MIKE: Agent Action! - the Freshmaker!
> that has Schwarzeneger and
> Stallone scared - yes, the world seems to be saying, replace these old
> fogies with new talent!
CROW: We've replaced Sylvester Stallone with a golem made of Folger's
Crystals - let's see if the audience notices.
>
> William Blair, and AGENT ACTION! seem to be the cure for the movie goers
> case of tired old action star Blues!
SERVO: Isn't that what Bruce Willis wears in those "Die Hard" movies?
> Arnold / Sly - next stop is the old
> folks rest home for you!
MIKE: This just in: William Blair will soon be marrying both Maria Shriver
and Bridgite Nielson!
>
> We're William Blair fans now! Long live # 1 action star William Blair! -
> AGENT ACTION!
SERVO: Agent-Action-is-much-better-than-cats-I-will-see-it-again-and-again
>
>///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
CROW: Murray! The lawn needs mowing!
>
>4
>
> SEX, NUDITY, AND AGENT ACTION!
CROW: One of these things is not like the others, one of these things just
doesn't belong!
>
> For the many curious to see big breasted naked actresses in AGENT ACTION!,
MIKE: Just cut to the chase and rent "Playboy's Sexy Lingerie" instead
SERVO: I bet you've rented that several times yourself, huh, Mike?
MIKE: Just a couple, actua- hey, that's noneya!
> - there is good news.
MIKE: The buzzards have returned to Hinkley!
> A preview/trailer is now reportedly in the cutting
> stages.
SERVO: If any of it survives, it wasn't cut enough
> This minute and a half of selected scenes should wet the palate
> of the curious.
ALL: EWW-W-W-W-W-W-W!!!!!!
>
> AGENT ACTION!, a "Bond" type thriller set in the near future,
CROW: Next Sunday, AD?
SERVO: If my arms worked, I'd whap you!
> is highly
> anticipated. It reportedly features the aforementioned Big breasted
> actresses ( including Erika Olsen/ Playboy Mar 97 ) among several other
> ravishing beauties.
MIKE: How many wanna bet the nekkid wimmin is the only selling point this
cinematic dustbin has going for it?
SERVO: I bet it's the sole reason it got made!
CROW: Like another film I remember with horror
SERVO: Let's just hope there's no nightie wrestling
MIKE: [Torgo] I dOn'T tHiNk I rEmEmBeR sEeInG tHaT oNe!
> The movie is said to star and be directed by multi talented new leading
> man William Blair.
SERVO: Of course this may just be a rumor, since William Blair doesn't
actually exist
> Celebrity guest villains round out the colorful cast.
SERVO: Mark Hamil as The Trickster
MIKE: Howie Mandel as Mr. Mxyzptlk
CROW: David Warner as The Lobe!
>
> The movie apparently also features lush exotic locations from around the
> world.
CROW: Meaning he didn't mow his back yard before breaking out his Super-8
> Excellent cinematography and a tight nit
SERVO: Lice-infected?
> thriller story
MIKE: Thingy Deal
> round out
> this highly anticipated production.
>
> This is probably the most anticipated movie on the planet today. And the
> thought of a trailer -
MIKE: Like the double-wide William Blair lives in
> possibly soon downloadable on the net - is
> fantastic. But hurry please! The wait is almost more than curious movie
> buffs can bear!
SERVO: PLZ SEND N00D BUFF AJENT AKSHUN TRALER P1X THANKX!!
CROW: That was a pretty good "B1FF"
SERVO: Bleah! Got any Listerine?
>
>
>*************** ////////////////////// ******************** ///////////////
CROW: Y'know, variety is one thing, but this is just starting to get down-
right irritating!
>
>5
>
> JAPANESE "ABREAST" OF AGENT ACTION!
MIKE: [Dully] Ha ha. Stop. Please. I can't take the wackiness.
>
> Tokyo.
SERVO: Rose
MIKE: Pop
CROW: Express
> If there's one group of moviegoers clamoring to see AGENT ACTION!
MIKE: Somebody let us know! Please! We're desperate!
> - It's the Japanese. They certainly have a yen
SERVO: See, they have a "yen", 'cause they're Japanese, and - and - it's
just funny! *Laugh!* LAUGH!!!!!!
> for big breasted naked
> blondes - and AGENT ACTION! will supply that - and more!
CROW: For example, racial stereotyping!
>
> Nippon theater owners apparently are in a rare fight to obtain the first
> prints of AGENT ACTION! It is said to be the most anticipated movie in
> the Orient.
MIKE: So in addition to Sly & Arnie, William Blair is going to try and send
Jackie Chan and Chow Yun Fat to the "old folks rest home"
SERVO: Which will lead to William Blair going to the "Every Bone In His Body
Broken In Twelve Places rest home"!
>
>
>---------------------------------------------------------------------------
SERVO: [Does flying saucer fx]
>6
CROW: Aah! It's 1/111 of the beast!
>
> WHY DOES AGENT ACTION FEATURE NUDE BREASTS?
MIKE: It was that secret trip to Denmark
>
> 'Cause Secret Agents love them! How could Sean Connery, Roger Moore, or
> Pierce Brosnan battle villains without a little jiggle?
SERVO: [Connery] Do you expect me to talk?!?
CROW: [Goldfinger] No, Mr.Bond, I expect you to JIGGLE!!
> And the same
> goes for new Agent extraordinaire William Blair - AGENT ACTION!
MIKE: Yeah, and so's your old man!
>
>
>++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
CROW: That's it: think positive!
>
>7
MIKE: Now *that* wasn't a bad movie
CROW: But did it feature naked big breasted actresses and William Blair?
MIKE: Well, no, but -
CROW: Then don't even bring it up!
>
> RUSH -
SERVO: Limbaugh is a Big Fat Idiot
CROW: Al Franken is a Pretentious Little Twit
MIKE: The "fence-straddling" sketch, ladies and gentlemen!
> FOR WORLD WIDE RELEASE
>
> IS AGENT ACTION! THE GREATEST MOVIE EVER MADE?
>
>
> Film fans, critics, and cinephiles the world over are engaged in a heated
> debate.
MIKE: Pauly Shore: Threat - or Menace?!?
> Is the new Sci-fi action film AGENT ACTION! the greatest movie
> ever made?
SERVO: Sure, if you don't count any of the others!
>
> Opposition is fierce. Names such as Welles, Kubrick, Scorsese, Spielberg,
CROW: Bah! I bet they've never even done *one* cloning movie!
> and Oliver Stone are of course getting huge support.
SERVO: Support Oliver Stone! Send your lithium donation today!
>
> Movies such as Citizen Kane, 2001, Goodfellas, ET, and Platoon are being
> heralded as the all time champs.
MIKE: What, no votes for "Gone With the Wind"?
SERVO: "Battleship Potemkin"?
CROW: "The Wizard of Oz"?
SERVO: "Casablanca"?
MIKE: "Star Wars"?
CROW: "Police Academy IV: Citizens on Patrol"?
>
> And yet, the new found furor won't subside. AGENT ACTION! now has its own
> legions of rising vocal fans.
SERVO: How many people in a "legion", anyway?
MIKE: I think, in this case, "one"
> And its star/ director William Blair is
> receiving the lion's share of the credit.
CROW: [Bert Lahr] C'mon, put 'em up! I'll fight ya wit' Agent Action tied
behind my back!
>
> Can this new group of fans, of a movie not yet even released be right? Can
> the few purportedly bootlegged copies of an advance rough cut be enough
> proof? Is AGENT ACTION! such a highly commendable piece of celluloid?
SERVO: Gentlemen, this shard of glass from the construction site has
convinced me that the new Ramada Inn North will be the GREATEST
BUILDING IN THE HISTORY OF ARCHITECTURE!!!
>
> History be damned these new fans seem to be saying.
CROW: Henry Ford said 'History is bunk'!
MIKE: Yeah, but have you driven a Ford lately?
> Forget the work of
> the "old fogies", William Blair Is the brilliant purveyor of cinema's
> future!
CROW: Billy Bob Thornton? Kenneth Branagh? Forget those punks - get me the
great William Blair!
>
> And AGENT ACTION! is proof - at 24 frames per living color second!
MIKE: "Agent Action!" - the movie that gets Jim Carrey drunk!
>
>===============================================================
>
>8
> SEX, ROMANCE, AND AGENT ACTION - WILLIAM BLAIR!
SERVO: And if that doesn't kill all romantic desire, nothing will
>
> Girls, Good News -
CROW: [Twin Peaks dwarf] thaT guM yoU likE iS goinG tO comE bacK iN stylE
MIKE: Geez, I wish you'd quit doing that
CROW: i'lL stoP iF yoU wilL
MIKE: [Torgo] I dOn'T hAvE aNy IdEa WhAt YoU'rE tAlKiNg AbOuT!
CROW: oH, buT I thinK yoU dO!
SERVO: AAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
> William Blair is single!
CROW: There's only one of him - thank heavens!
> Yes the 6 ft, 185 lb leading
> man is available!
SERVO: For weddings, Bar Mitzvahs, and VFW dances
> And if his blue eyes don't get you - his charming and
> suave manner will! Check him out in AGENT ACTION!
MIKE: But remember, there's a late fee of 20 cents a day!
> Then in his exciting
> new upcoming feature THE RIDE!
CROW: The next film in his ENDS! WITH! EXCLAMATION! POINTS! series
>
>(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((
ALL: RADAR!!
>
>9
SERVO: Number nine... number nine...
>
> WAR! -
SERVO: What is good for?
CROW: Absolutely nothin'
MIKE: Say it again!
> BIDDING BATTLE BREWING
MIKE: Boffo Battling Bids Break Barometric Barriers!
SERVO: Bronco-Bustin' Bidder Brews Bloody Big Brouhaha!
CROW: Big Brucie Boxleitner Battles Barbara "Biddin' Betty" Babcock!
>
> Major movie distributors are sharpening their pens. Agents and Lawyers
> are taking sides. Telephone faxes are arming for duty.
ALL: [Hum "When Johnny Comes Marching Home Again"]
>
> Why? For the bloody battle over the international distribution rights to
> AGENT ACTION!
SERVO: Loser takes all
>
> The movie world landscape is now upside down. How?
MIKE: The HAB Theory!
> Witness ancient
> releases like Star Wars now doing first run BlockBuster business. Plus
> expensive new releases are bombing.
SERVO: Mainly because most of those "expensive new releases" are almost
as silly as this!
CROW: And they don't have them naked big-breasted actresses!
> With this confusion its a new war out
> there.
CROW: [British] It's a bloody war, lads, but it's the only war we've got!
> And formerly defended movie turf is up for grabs!
MIKE: Yeah, the Crips have taken over Dreamworks, while the Sharks and the
18th Street Ninjas are dukin' it out on the Disney main lot!
>
> Which studio army can capture the anticipated blockbuster AGENT ACTION!?
SERVO: And could they ignore the Geneva Convention after doing so?
>
> Will it be a major battaliion force like UNIVERSAL? Of can a rising
> guierrila army
CROW: [Heston] You damn *dirty* APES!!!!
> like Miramax or Gramercy capture the goods?
MIKE: After "Barb Wire", I wouldn't be a bit surprised!
>
> No one can predict the battle's outcome yet. But one victor is certain:
SERVO: Lawyers
> the Audience. The World Audience -
CROW: You - the audience at home: what do *you* think?
> millions of popcorn and action loving
> troops who will be the happy victors as they embrace viewing AGENT ACTION!
>
>
>^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
MIKE: They've cloned dozens of tiny Paramounts!
SERVO: This is a job for -
ALL: AGENT ACTION!!
>10
>
> WILLIAM BLAIR - TRUE INDEPENDENT - NOT SUNDANCE ASS- KISSER
CROW: So, to sum up - "William Blair"
SERVO: Just in case you missed it the first 20,000 times
>
> While most Independent filmmakers nowadays are just shameless ass kissers
> - of Sundance "god" Robert Redford, William Blair stands alone.
CROW: [singing] Heigh-Ho, the dairy-o, the cheese stands alone!
>
> The so called Independent movie movement is sickening. Independent -
> Independent of what?
MIKE: The Redcoats?
SERVO: [singing] I say vote yes - vote yes - vote for independency!
CROW: Sit down, John!
>
> Most of these films are undisguised "auditions" for studio jobs. And the
> cast lists of these movies look exactly like their Studio cousins: Tori
> Spelling for godsakes!
SERVO: Well, sure, I can - der hey?
CROW: Tori Spelling, Tori Spelling, Tori Spelling, Tori Spelling, and Tori
Spelling, starring in "Valley of the Dolls"
MIKE: Now *there's* a cloning movie we could do without!
>
> And most of these butt-kiss directors need to start living a life -
SERVO: Or at least start using mouthwash regularly!
> rather
> than patterning these grotesque homages to angst populated by the ever
> tiring Steve Buscemi
CROW: Oh, his artwork on X-Men wasn't that bad!
SERVO: You're thinking of John *Buscema*!
> ( Whoever said this guy could act? )
MIKE: Me
CROW: Me
SERVO: Me
CROW: That's 3-1 for Stevie B.
>
> The real barfola however, is how the "intelligensia" and "psuedo hip" are
> pronouncing Oscar kudos on these lightweight nothing movies.
CROW: The fact that he misspelled "intelligentsia" should tell you he
probably doesn't qualify as one
MIKE: Still, it's not often you get to see the words "intelligensia" and
"barfola" in the same sentence
>
> Lets face if folks: Ransom was a much better film than Fargo. Wake up
> you morons.
CROW: [Marge] There's no cause to get snippy here, Mr. Blair.
> Can anyone even sit through Fargo twice without falling into
> a deep coma.
SERVO: Can anyone sit this post *once* without the urge to toss it into a
woodchipper?!?
MIKE: [Fargo Deputy] You readin' morea' that Action Agent thing, down
there, chief?
SERVO: [Marge] No, I just think I'm gonna barf!
MIKE: Geez!
>
> And last years Spitfire Grill - what a joke that was!
CROW: [Brak] Hey, why did the Spitfire Grill cross the road? *It didn't,
it's a grill, ya' dummy!* Ho, boy! Hey, thanks, a lot!
> It had all the
> thrills and technique of a bad TV movie of the week!
SERVO: In other word, a TV movie of the week.
>
> Is there hope? Damn tootin!
MIKE: "Tootin"? C'mon.
CROW: I want my mummy!
SERVO: Egypt ya real good there!
>
> And my vote for movie of the year is AGENT ACTION! It cuts the sprocket
> holes off
CROW: And we all know how painful that can
> those "independent" lemming-ized ass-kisser movies .
SERVO: I don't remember any movies about kissing lemmings' asses last year
MIKE: But I have a horrible feeling we just gave David Lynch the idea!
>
>
>
>
>///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
CROW: Murray! The Lawn still needs mowing!
>
>
>
>
MIKE: And the whole thing just kinda dissolves!
CROW: Better it than us!
SERVO: Let's us dissolve on outta here!
[All Leave]
[o... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6]
[SOL - Mike & Tom are standing at the console]
MIKE: "The Flood"?
SERVO: Without a doubt
MIKE: "Face Off"?
SERVO: Absolutely
MIKE: "Trial and Error"?
SERVO: Michael Richards's fake lawyer movie? Sure
MIKE: "Buddy"?
SERVO: Hmmm - is that the one with Rene Russo and the gorilla?
MIKE: Yep
SERVO: Uhhhhhhhh - yes
MIKE: So you don't think there's any movie that can't outperform this
so-called "Agent Action"?
SERVO: Let's put it this way: if someone were to do a sequel to "Barb Wire",
let Joe Esterhaus write it, Roger Corman direct it, and recast
Pamela Lee's part with Roseanne, "Agent Action!" *might* beat it!
MIKE: But how can we tell if we don't know get a chance to see it?
[Crow enters]
CROW: I think I can help you there, Mikey.
MIKE: How?
CROW: Oh, I was just out cruisin' the old information superhighway, not
doin' anything in particular, y'know -
SERVO: Got your butt kicked at "Boogers" again, huh?
CROW: *No-o-o-o-o!!!* Anyway, I ran across a clip from the much-vaunted
trailer to William Blair's little trip into movieland
MIKE: Really?!!? How is it?
CROW: Haven't seen it yet - I thought I'd share the experience
MIKE: Oh, OK - Cambot roll that
[Cut to a really jumpy scene of Agent Action (Paul Chaplin), wearing a blue
shirt, standing in what is obviously someone's yard.]
AA!: Hey, *I'm* Agent Action!
[Same scene, with Paul now wearing a green shirt and facing the other way]
AA!: No, *I'm Agent Action!
[First scene]
AA!: Why, you! [thrusts his fist forward]
[Second scene - someone's fist in a plaid shirt taps Paul's chin)
AA!: Ooof! [falls down]
[First scene]
AA!: Well, I guess I showed him!
WOMAN: [offscreen] Oh, Agent Action! - I'm naked and my breasts are big!
AA!: In a minute, doll - I gotta save the world! [runs off]
[SOL - everyone looks horribly taken aback]
MIKE: Well - that was wretched!
SERVO: I take back everything I ever said about "Monster-a-go-go"!
CROW: I hope we don't wind up watching this
MIKE & SERVO: CROW!!
CROW: What?!?!
SERVO: Don't give Dr. Feelbad any ideas!
MIKE: For certain! Just give us the info!
CROW: Yeah, sure. To sign up on the MiSTing Authors Dibs List, send an
e-mail message to majo...@neylonpc.engin.umich.edu with the
message "subscribe dibslist [<your name>]" in the message body.
Read the FAQ, don't work blue, yaddayaddayadda. [lights flash]
MIKE: So what about you guys?
[D13 - Dr.F & Pearl are hiding behind a barricade. On the other side is
what looks like a lump of plastic with red & orange lights inside. It's
hissing and steaming as it slowly advances]
DR. F: Well, you survived again. I'll have to take care of that later, but
at the moment, we have an eensy bit of a problem down here!
PEARL: Clayton, it's hot in here
DR. F: Well, take another hit of Evian, mother! As you can see, our little
tar pit has turned into a full-fledged geological event, and unless
we can find some way to stop it...
PEARL: Clayton - look!
[Kevin Murphy strolls on, dressed in jeans and a plaid shirt]
PEARL: *Tommy Lee Jones!!!*
DR. F: Oh, big deal, mother, what can he -
TLJ: [pointing at lava flow] Cut it out!! [Instantly, the hissing and
steaming stop, and the lava starts to flow backward]
DR. F: What?!? But - but how?
TLJ: Professional courtesy, fella - one force of nature to another [nods
and walks off]
PEARL: [staring raptly] Wow!
DR. F: Ahhh, nature, shmature!
PEARL: Oh, Tommy - I have a costume like Debi Mazar wore, wanna see? [runs
off after him]
DR. F: Ah, well, at least he got Ma out of my hair for a little bit. Until
next time, my little lava bombs! [pushes button and...]
*FWOOOOSH!!!*
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
NEW OPEN DEBATE FOUNDATION: by Brian D. Collar
***WHO IS AGENT ACTION!?***: by "ag...@agent.com"
MiSTING: by Bill Livingston
BILL LIVINGSTON: by Mr. & Mrs. Livingston
LUNCH: by Pizza Hut
SHE SELLS SEA SHELLS: by the Sea Shore
AUSTIN POWERS: International Man of Mystery
THANKS: to MiSTies, MuSTies, the teachers of America, Siegel & Shuster,
"Freakazoid!", and creamy peanut butter.
All characters used here are copyright their respective creators and/or
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No personal insults to author(s), character(s), or situation(s) are or
should be implied. But you knew that already, right?
Remember, use only genuine "Interociter"® parts
Keep circulating the posts.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
> Wake up
> you morons.
Bill L.
57776
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bi...@Traveller.COM
Best if Used by Date on Label
SgtPreston
I can't believe that you have not yet got a response to this post.
You, my friend, should be writing the damn show!
This is the funniest thing that I have read since subscribing to this
newsgroup (or *any* newsgroup, for that matter)
Just thought I'd let you know.
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SgtPr...@aol.com
"Like most writers, I communicate best in
second draft." -Tom DeFalco
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