MSTed: Better the Devil You Know (1/8)
T-Bone
Not at all in the future,
Last September, in her car,
There was a woman named Kate
Driving with her friend named la.
While heading to the CON, on I-24
She got zapped by a ray that came through the door.
Mike got teleported into her place
And Kate was put in orbit with some robots up in space.
("What the hell?????")
"We'll send her this bad fanfic
The worst from a.s.c. (la la la)
Then we'll throw in an awful short.
Her pain will be all it can be. (la la la)"
Now even though Kate can't control
Where the fanfic begins or ends (la la la),
She'll get some help to survive this mess,
Thanks to her new robots friends.
(Robot Roll call)
Cambot! (Lick your lips!)
Gypsy! (Say it, sister!)
Servo! (Whatever...)
Crooooooow! (What a babe!)
Now if you're wondering what Mike's doing now,
Or what happened to Kate's friend (la la la),
You will all find out soon enough
As we push this joke to the end ...
On Mystery Usenet Theater Three Thou - Sand!
[Door sequence]
[Interior of Sat'O'Love. We pick up the scene a few days after the Different
World MSTing. Instead of Mike, our very own Kate Wrightson, in an
intriguingly stretched jumpsuit, is standing behind the Sat'O'Love counter.
Crow and Tom are nuzzling Kate, Gypsy is trying to get them to behave.]
KATE: Hi, everyone in (r)atm-land, I'm your own Kate Wrightson. As you may
know if you saw "Different World", I was going to go to the Con to be with
all you MSTies, but Dr Forrester and TV's Frank had other plans. I've had
fun with the bots, but I do miss home, especially my dogs. Ow! Would you
two stop it?
TOM and CROW: Sorry, Mom! [snickering]
KATE: Geez, what's got into you guys? Anyway, I know that Dr F is HEY!
GYPSY: That does it! If you two can't control yourselves when we have guests,
you can just go to your room and stay there until the experiment starts.
CROW: No! I don't wanna goooooooo!
TOM: But Kate promised to show us that trick with the Pez dispenser!
GYPSY: You two are behaving like a couple of babies, so you'll be treated
like babies!
[Tom begins crying Wah! Wah! Wah! like an infant who's wet himself.]
CROW: No we're not! No we're not! [Starts to cry]
KATE: I think you'd better go, guys.
GYPSY: Get to your rooms!
[Tom and Crow exit blubbering.]
KATE: Thanks, Gypsy, those two have been driving me crazy ever since I got
here.
GYPSY: You should have said something.
KATE: Well, Crow is alright, but I think Tom is *really* confused, on top of
everything else.
GYPSY: Well, you *are* the only female they've encountered up close, except
for Nuveena.
KATE: But what about you?
GYPSY: What do you mean?
KATE: Well, you're a female.
GYPSY: I'm a robot.
MAGIC VOICE: Kate, should I show Gypsy your copy of Robin Morgan's
_Sisterhood Is Powerful_?
KATE: Good idea; once Gypsy's read the S.C.U.M. manifesto, she'll be as happy
as Ed Wood with an angora goat.
MAGIC VOICE: How about those magazines Joel had hidden in the load pan bay?
KATE: Uh, no, thanks, Magic Voice. [Turns back to Gypsy, then has an idea.]
But save them for *me*, anyway.
MAGIC VOICE: You got it. Oh, and commercial sign in fifteen seconds.
KATE: Now Gypsy, Tom and Crow are robots, too, right?
GYPSY: Yeah...
KATE: ...and they're boys, right?
GYPSY: Yeah ...
KATE: ... and you aren't, right?
GYPSY: Yeah ...
KATE: ... and you like Richard Basehart, right?
GYPSY: Yeah ...
KATE: So ...
GYPSY: Hey, I guess I am! But why don't they act like that around me?
KATE: Well, Gypsy, they probably see you as more of a sister or a cousin.
GYPSY: That shouldn't matter.
KATE: Why, did their parts came from West Virginia?
GYPSY: No. They just act so differently around you. They don't like me!
[Gypsy starts to cry on Kate's shoulder; Kate hugs and pats her on the back.]
KATE: Oh, it's nothing like that, Gypsy. It's just that guys look at their
sisters differently than the way they look at other women.
GYPSY: How do you mean?
KATE: Well ... when males reach a certain age, they get these ... urges ...
[Lights for commercial sign begin to flash]
GYPSY: Like the time we put the extra starch in Mike's underwear?
KATE: Not quite.
MAGIC VOICE: Commercial sign in five four three two ... Commercial sign now.
KATE: Uh, excuse us for a minute. Gypsy and I need to talk. [Hits button.]
[Penn Gillette reminds us that MST3K is sponsored by New Maxwell House Clear.
And by The New US Navy. Full speed ahead, especially with the female
officers.]
[Back on SOL. Kate and Gypsy are talking animatedly.]
GYPSY: So that's all it takes?
KATE: Once they think that you are unreachable, they will see you in a whole
new light.
GYPSY: But what about after that?
KATE: Men are easy to control, you just have to know how to out-think them.
GYPSY: You think I can do it?
KATE: Gypsy, how tough could it be to outsmart a person who is genetically
inclined to watch that "Baseball" thing on PBS?
GYPSY: Yeah, thanks Kate! I'll go let the boys out and get started. [Exits.]
KATE: I hope I didn't start something I'll regret later.
[Lights begin to flash.]
KATE: Woops, Cassanova and Tom Jones are calling. [Hits button.]
[Down in Deep 13. Dr. Forrester is dressed in a tux (but still wears his lab
coat). Frank, dressed as a valet, is brushing Dr. F's lapels. Both speak
with proper British accents.]
FRANK: Excuse me, Mr. Wooster, sir, but we should hurry; we don't want Miss
Honoria Glossop to think we aren't punctual.
DR F: Well, flibbledy-dee, Jeeves! These machinations of my Aunt Agatha will
be the death of me yet. This Glossop woman seems to think that it is her
duty to save me from a life of happiness and my dear old Aunt is only too
happy to conspire. Personally, I am tempted to go straight to The Drones
for a quick snifter with Barmy Featheringay-Phipps to bolster my sagging
confidence.
FRANK: Very good, sir. But I must remind you that dishonoring Miss Glossop so
may resort to your Aunt re-opening negotiations with Sir Watkin Basset,
whose daughter Madeline has recently broken off her engagement with Gussy
Finknottle.
DR F: Really?
FRANK: I fear so, sir. And I have heard a rumor that Florence Cray has been
making not-entirely-discreet inquiries about you as well.
DR F: Well, with Florence once again on the prowl for a three-tiered cake, an
evening with Honoria Glossop suddenly seems a fate slightly less worse
than death.
[Back on SOL. Kate and the bots are stunned.]
TOM: What the Heck Ramsey is going on down there?
[Deep 13.]
DR F (normal voice): Ah, ... whatever your name is!
FRANK (whispering): Kate.
DR F: Kate, yes. Glad to see you're paying attention. Well, the big news of
the social season is that Dr. Clayton Stonewall Forrester is courting, and
his first success is tonight: a date with someone I've long admired.
FRANK (still speaking with accent): Oh dear, Mister Wooster, I fear that I
must repolish your spats for that glossy shine that you so enjoy.
DR F (slapping Frank): Would you knock it off? Well, Kim, this leads right
into our invention exchange. When you are a hard-working, wildly
successful scientist like, say, ME, the twenty-hour days do eat into other
areas of one's life. Why, there is barely enough time for household
chores, visiting friends, and so on, and a daily dose of exercise often
goes out the window. But I've come up with something that will still make
you look like that gorgeous hunky beefcake that is inside you. I call
these little buggers Tux Pads.
FRANK (normal voice): Yes, now you can have the look of rippling pecs and a
flat stomach under your tuxedo, thanks to our realistic-looking and
-feeling foam rubber body parts. Imagine yourself driving the babes
bonkers with your new James Bond look.
DR F: There is also a foam rubber attachment for your trousers which we can't
talk about due to FCC regulations.
[Back on SOL]
GYPSY (now with a short butch haircut): That is so typical of the lies you
white male oppressors inflict on us sisters.
CROW: Huh?
TOM: What?
KATE: Well, this is my first time doing this sort of thing ... quit
snickering, you two ... but here's my idea. It's a kit I call Real
Feminine Protection. [Holds up a plain-looking purse.] It's for us women
to protect ourselves against loud, obnoxious, uncaring, drunken guys who
only see us women as objects.
CROW: Notre Dame fans?
TOM: Congressmen?
GYPSY: All men.
TOM and CROW: Huh?
KATE: There are several parts to the kit. It comes with a corsage similar to
the orchid from _The Corpse Vanishes_ but the fragrance only reacts with
testosterone. Then there's a bayonet purse ... [demonstrates]
TOM and CROW: Aigh!
KATE: ... the flame thrower compact ... [demonstrates]
CROW: What manner of woman are you who can summon flame without flint or
tinder?
KATE: ... the Black Widow Lipstick ... [Kate puts the black lipstick on her
lips and kisses Crow, who passes out immediately. Kate starts rummaging
through the purse.] There's also a bracelet with a dagger attatchment for
dancing, a scarf which can be used as a garotte, and so on.
[Deep 13]
DR F: Impressive, but that won't stop the most aggressive of men.
[SOL]
KATE: Well, I did think of something REALLY effective for men who just don't
understand the word "no", but it turns out Loreena Bobbit already has a
patent on it.
[Deep 13]
DR F: Not bad! Frank, get Gloria Steinam on the phone, and tell her we've got
a business deal for her. Well, Karen, your fanfic is a piece of mildew ...
[SOL]
KATE: From the Star Trek group?
[Deep 13]
DR F: ... from the Star Trek group. [look of bewilderment] How did you know
that?
[SOL]
KATE: It's become passe.
[Deep 13]
DR F: Well, in that case, we'll throw in a short from the college basketball
group. But nothing you do can put me in a bad mood for my date. [Pushes
the button]
[SOL]
KATE: Oh no! Usenet Siiiiiiiiiiiiignnnn.......
[Door sequence; Kate and the bots enter.]
>Newsgroups: rec.sport.basketball.college
KATE: I hope this isn't about John Thompson being a racist.
>From: cam...@netcom.com (Chris Jaeb)
TOM (singing): Let me tell ya' little story 'bout a poster named Jaeb ...
>Subject: WANTED: WEALTHY BOOSTER
CROW: I guess the economy needs a shot in the arm! Haha!
>Message-ID: <cameronC...@netcom.com>
>Organization: NETCOM On-line Communication Services (408 261-4700 guest)
KATE: Boy, some guest; drank the last beer and put her feet on the coffee
table.
>X-Newsreader: TIN [version 1.2 PL1]
TOM (singing): If he only had a brain...
>Date: Mon, 12 Sep 1994 22:26:28 GMT
KATE: Quickfire!
TOM: Growing Mangoes Turgidly!
CROW: Groping Mary's Tomatoes!
KATE: Guitarists Mining Tin!
TOM: Gizzards Mean Tummies!
CROW: Uh, Griffey Makes Thunder!
KATE: Grazing on My Thighs!
TOM and CROW: WHAT?!?!
KATE: Sorry. I've been in space too long.
>Lines: 36
>
>Dear Cyberspace:
KATE: I'm a freshman at a small Midwestern University...
>
> Do you know anyone
CROW: Do you really know yourself?
>that is interested in college and/or professional
>sports marketing
TOM: Hey, who isn't? *yawn* [Rests head on Kate's shoulder]
>and has $100,000 to invest
KATE: Oh, yeah; we'll just take that out of petty cash.
CROW: Tom Petty or Johnny Cash?
>in a project that will generate
>a BIG return in 24 months?
TOM (deep voice): It's Big Jim Slade!
>If you provide the name of a "Player"
CROW: Joe Dumars!
KATE: That's not what he meant ...
>that
>becomes part of this project,
KATE: Known as "Manhattan"! [Evil laugh]
>you will be paid a substantial finders fee.
TOM: Of course, you'll be paid in bags of rice, but ...
>
> We have secured the *exclusive* right to distribute
CROW: Cable to the Amish.
>140 college
>basketball and football teams games and talk shows.
KATE: Big deal; 139 will involve Notre Dame.
>This programming will be
>used
TOM: Hey, take it to comp.software.abuse.support!
CROW (cracking voice): My name's Virgil, and I abuse my programming.
KATE and TOM: Hi, Virgil!
>as a foundation to build a wide range of leading edge one and two-way
>communication services.
KATE: Better known as:
TOM: The letter ...
CROW: .. and the telegraph.
>
> We are ideally looking for someone that is excited
KATE: Or just has a gun in his pocket.
>by the opportunity
>to "dis" the establishment...
CROW: Of course, we want to make a lot of money and BECOME the establishment,
but that's besides the point.
>and create something that will make people
>better appreciate the world we live in.
TOM: Snapple.
>
> This project represents the first step
KATE: ... toward a pyramid scheme.
>toward bringing the average
>American online.
CROW: Given the average person who calls into talk radio, this *CANNOT* be a
good thing.
KATE: That's kind of elitist.
CROW: Three words: Rush Limbaugh's dittoheads.
>We are talking about an inexpensive computer system and
>service
TOM: With a free set of Ginsu knives! But wait, there's more!
>that gives people that presently do not use computers a reason to
>buy one
KATE: Hey, if pornographic .gif FTP sites in Scandanavia aren't enough to ...
(switching to sweet, innocent mode) Hey, guys, I've only *heard* about
them. No, really!
CROW: Riiiiiiiiiiight.
TOM: Yeah; sure.
>and get what they want when they want it.
CROW: Glad to see you are treating Americans as the mature people they are.
>It is REALLY a *SWEET*
KATE (singing): Fox on the run ...
>business whose time has arrived.
TOM: Just ask delphi, netcom, aol, ...
>
> The future is ours.
KATE: Apparently Chris never really grasped the whole concept of Reaganomics.
>The more we leave
CROW: The better we look.
>the development of this frontier
>to the government and large corporations
TOM: The better the cost efficiency of the product?
>the less say we have in what it is
>*WE* will become.
KATE: And you want us to become spoiled brats and revolutionaries, from the
tone of your post.
CROW (singing): There'll be fighting in the streets
ALL (singing): With our children at our feet.
>
> Thanks for your time.
TOM: Oh, thank YOU for the rosemary.
>
>Best regards,
CROW: The nominees for Best Regards in a Usenet Post are:
>
>-Chris
KATE: Don't call me Jimmy Everett!!!
>
> "Remember...if you do not live this life to its fullest, nobody is
>going to do it for you."
TOM: So act irresponsibly and get loaded.
>--
> cam...@netcom.com
[Commercial we'd like to see: the half-armored guy in the Volkswagon ad is
walking down the street when some you toughs push him over and give him a
serious melvin.]
MSTed by Richard Burton (aka T-Bone; bur...@lobster.gsfc.nasa.gov) and by
Kate Wrightson (kwri...@moe.coe.uga.edu)
Disclaimer: MST3K and related situations/characters/settings/scenarios are
the property of Best Brains; they had nothing to do with my writing this up.
This MSTing was done for the sole purpose of entertainment and is not meant
to be a personal attack on the original author(s) in any way. We intended no
flames on any organizations, characters, products, people, or ideas which I
referenced in my MSTing. This MSTing reflects my and Kate's own personal
viewpoints, and not always both of ours, and does not necessarly reflect the
views of the University of Georgia, NASA, Goddard Space Flight Center, or my
employer, Hughes STX.
Clarinda Lofton
great msting snipped
>MSTed by Richard Burton (aka T-Bone; bur...@lobster.gsfc.nasa.gov) and by
>Kate Wrightson (kwri...@moe.coe.uga.edu)
LOL!! Terrific!! Where's the rest?!
Clarinda
Kate Wrightson
: Clarinda Lofton <Clarind...@ncsu.edu> wrote:
: >
: >>MSTed by Richard Burton (aka T-Bone; bur...@lobster.gsfc.nasa.gov) and by
: I agree. Send us the rest, please.
: I'm confused, though. Who's this Mike character?
He's la's new travelin' man.
*puts index finger in mouth, looks all cute & stuff* The rest of it's
not finished yet. You can have it just as soon as it's done.
Kate, rummaging through her bookcase for more stuff for Gypsy (should I
make her read Derrida? Mua-ha-ha-ha-ha ;)
Fred Francis
I agree. Send us the rest, please.
I'm confused, though. Who's this Mike character?
--el phred
jnevins
>Kate, rummaging through her bookcase for more stuff for Gypsy (should I
>make her read Derrida? Mua-ha-ha-ha-ha ;)
Yer a cruel woman, Kate....poor Gypsy...
jess, who knows that making someone read Derrida is a felony offense in
some states