MSTed: "Doctor Who and the X-Men" [5/5]

[TDion34]

Crow: And twice as cheesy!

> When it grew to a very large size, it disappeared in a flash of red
>light. "It has left this mode of existence again." I stated.
>Gambit was lying on the floor. He was muttering nonsense. In a few
>moments he came to and looked at the X-Men and at me. "Who..Who are
>you guys?" he said. "I don't remember you. Where am I?" he asked.

Crow: [Arch Hall Jr.] Where am I? Who am I? What am I looking for?

> "I am the Doctor. You are in my TARDIS. Let me introduce you to the
>X-Men, LeBeau."

Mike: The Doctor's gotten awfully impersonal in this story, hasn't he?

> "You know..know my name? Who are you people..? I don't know you, do
>I?"
> "It's a long story, and frankly time is something we are short of."

Tom: Now it's an NA!

>
>Part 8.

All: [singing] Five, six, seven, eight. Doctor's waiting at the gate.
Crow: Oh, Benny A., you're good for something.
Mike: Hey! I liked "Transit"!
Crow: You would.

>
>The Doctor silently operated the TARDIS controls and the central
>column rose. "Doctor, I can't believe it. It's so big inside your
>TARDIS" said Xavier.

Mike: [Xavier] I just can't get over it. I mean, come on, it's done with a
trapdoor and mirrors, right?
Crow: [Brigadier] Good lord! We must be in Cromer!

> "Yes, Professor, it is big. It has been my
home,
>at least for the last few hundred years." "Few hundred years?" mumbled
>Rogue.

Tom: It can seem like a hundred years when you're stuck with Adric.
Crow: I smell killing spree!

> Meanwhile the TARDIS dematerialised again, and materialised
>inside the X-Men's Mansion.

Tom: Why?
Mike: That is the question of the day, Tom.

> "I believe it went like this. After we freed Roma, the Mara found a
>new physical host, LeBeau.

Tom: But...but...Roma wasn't possessed to begin with.
Crow: Don't worry about it, Tom, it'll pass.

> The only path in my universe was
through a
>form of collective dreaming or indeed any similar process, whereas
>here I can only hypothesise at the way the Mara managed to take a
>host. Perhaps it was helped directly by the Adversary. I cannot tell."

Mike: And frankly, we don't care.

> "So the only way to keep the Mara from returning here would be to
>re imprison the Adversary, right?" asked Rogue.

Crow: [Doctor] Yeah, pretty much. Good luck, suckers!

> "Perhaps it is so, but we must imprison him somewhere else far away >so
>he will not be able to free the Mara and vice versa." said the Doctor
>with a very serious look on his face.

Tom: Try Minnesota.

> "We must seek out the Adversary and take him out once and for all!"
>said Bishop, obviously pleased at this twist of events.

Mike: [slurping, twisting sounds]
Tom: [annnouncer] Yes, watch as the Amazing Fanfic twists and stretches
the very limits of the reader's suspension of disbelief!

> "If it comes to worst I may have to give up my remaining lives as you
>did before" a worried Doctor said.

Crow: This really is turning into an NA, he knows the whole plot.
Mike: He doesn't know much, does he?

> The Doctor's companions entered the TARDIS after it materialised.
>Tegan asked the Doctor what had happened since she saw Gambit lying on
>the floor still mostly unconscious.

Crow: How can you be mostly unconscious? Is it like partly dead?

> The Doctor said "He'll
be all
>right. He had the Mara in him."

Mike: [Doctor] Take these tablets, two of these pills, three tablespoons of
this, and don't expect to wake up.

> "Oh my goodness, the Mara had possessed him too?" queried Tegan.

Tom: Suddenly, Janet Fielding began to channel Patrick Troughton.

> "Yes, that's what had happened. He was going to kill them all if I
>hadn't stopped him."

Crow: I still fail to see the drawback in that.

> Bishop explained how in about one hundred years from now, in his time,
>he had stumbled across the War Room of the X-Men. He together with two
>other XSE officers had seen the final recording left by Jean Grey,
>where she said that the Mansion security had been disabled,
>deactivated from within. They had been betrayed, but by one of their
>own, the X-Traitor. Obviously this was Gambit who had in the past been
>taken over by the Mara.

Tom: What in the name of Horatio Hufnagel does this have to do with
*anything*?!

> "Xavier, will you please call Forge? We need his help now." asked the
>Doctor.

Mike: [Doctor] My time vector generator's kaput, think he can knock up a
new one?

> "Doctor, you can't give your lives up! How will we get back home?"
>screamed an extremely worried Tegan.

Crow: She's been standing quietly in the corner, and now she's screaming
her head off! Please, Meli, at least pretend to know what
characterisation means!
Tom: Talk about delayed reaction time! He said he was going to lose his
lives at the top of the page!

> "Well I will give all of them except one. Forge will need another two,
>to make up nine lives given freely." said the Doctor.

Mike: How does he know all this stuff about magic? I thought he didn't
believe in magic.
Tom: Read "Millenial Rites," Mike. It's not magic, it's math!

> "Doctor, could you take me back to my time if everything works out
>just fine?" asked Bishop. "If you wish, yes." answered the Doctor.

Mike: [Doctor] Although I haven't a clue why I should, sure, I'll muck around
with your timeline. It's fun!

>"I..am not certain I want to go back however... I have met the legends
>themselves in person..."

Crow: If he's not sure, why is he asking to go home?

> "Legends?" asked the Doctor. "Oh, the X-Men."

Tom: [Doctor] You guys still here? Don't you have a home to go to?

>
>Part 9.

Crow: Oh, for a landmine.

>
>Forge accepted his role to banish the Adversary once more, hopefully
>this time it would be forever. He thought he would never see the
>Adversary again, and he was not looking forward to this encounter.

Tom: Rather convenient how he just popped out of thin air, isn't it? It's not
like he has a job or anything.
Mike: It's as if being a mutant means you don't have to pay bills or
anything.

> The Doctor operated the TARDIS controls after setting course for the
>same dimensional place where they had seen the Adversary, Roma and
>the Mara.

Crow: Once the cheese compressors ran out the Doctor actually
dematerialised the TARDIS.

> The central column stopped moving, and the TARDIS background hum
>calmed down.

Tom: What kind of hum is it when it's at home?

> The Doctor opened the TARDIS doors and the Adversary could be seen.
> "Come to fight me, have you? You little creatures are up to no good!
>Your efforts shall be for naught, I am invulnerable!" said the Adversary.

Crow: Good Lord! It's the Big Bad Wolf, Glenn, and Stephen Thorne all rolled
into one!

> "Liar of a creature, I shall do my best to stop you again!" shouted
>Forge.

Mike: [Forge] I botched it last time, but now I'm fairly certain of what I'm
doing, I've even got the instructions right here. Could you step to the
left a little, please? Yeah, right on the 'X'.

> Forge started casting his spell. Storm helped him by generating
>lightning which is an indispensable element of this spell.

Crow: Meli's just making this up!

>
Together, they
>opened the portal through which the Adversary would be banished forever.
> Something was wrong. The portal would not open. At least it tried to
>open, but it closed straight away. The Adversary could be heard
>laughing.

Tom: [Adversary] Oh, you wacky nuts!

> "What has happened? Why didn't the portal open?" asked the Doctor.
> Forge replied "I am not certain but it may have been the result of our
>being in this dimension. The portal does not have enough strength to
>remain open."
> "Well perhaps I can help you then" replied the Doctor. He went in a
>different room in the TARDIS and got a tachyonic multiplexer with him.

Mike: [announcer] Allows tachyons to perform ten different exercises with
just one machine!

> "I will connect this tachyonic multiplexer to the.. hmm I need a
>portable tachyonic generator since the one in the TARDIS is not close
>to where I need it and I don't want to risk losing this one. Forge,
>could you make one for me?" asked the Doctor.

Tom: This is just filler! There's no point to it!
Crow: [Doctor] And whip up a companion who doesn't scream while you're
at it.

> "Of course, Doctor. Here it comes!"

Tom: Clyde has no idea how Forge's powers work, does he?

> "Good! I will connect it now and aim it at the portal. That should
>strengthen the subatomic structure of the portal." said the Doctor.

Mike: [Doctor] By reversing the polarity of the neutron flow, I've allowed
this doohickey to fumboozle the settings of the inter-dimensional
whatsit, while allowing for the disruption caused by the omega
configuration of the thingamabobber when it was folded back.

>"Now generate the portal again!"
> The portal was generated again, and with the help of the tachyon
>pulses emitted by the Doctor's multiplexer, the portal was
>strengthened and did not close itself. "Quickly now!" said the Doctor.

Crow: One thing can be said about this story: it's taught me the value of
active voice.

> The Doctor gave all his remaining lives less one, Storm gave her soul
>and Adric did the same and with these Forge casted the final spell to
>banish the Adversary once more forever.

Tom: And the Adversary done never come back. And they all done live happily
ever after once the story ended.

> The Adversary was pushed into the portal and banished forever while he
>screamed and cursed at Forge.

Mike: Aw, how nice. Meli's gone and edited out the naughty language for us.
Crow: [dry] Yeah. Great.

> Forge then closed the portal.

Mike: [falsetto] Close that portal, young man! Were you raised in a lower
pocket dimension? You're letting all the tachyons out!

> Storm and Adric were not there. "Roma" thought Forge.

Tom: Yeah, so?

>They had given their lives of their free will, and they were now dead.

Crow: And there was much rejoicing amongst the fanboys.
All: HUZZAH!

> "I hope she gives them their lives back this time also."

Mike: Actually, with the coming of a new writer, Roma's become dark and
secretive. Now she's very manipulative and her methods are stained
with blood.
Tom: You've been reading those Virgin New Adventures, haven't you, Mike?

> The Doctor now had only one left, his current regeneration. He would
>not regenerate any more. He could not understand how this could come
>to be since he had met future regenerations of himself before.

Crow: Well, that's all right. We don't know what's going on either.

>
The
>Fifth Doctor would be the last Doctor.

Tom: Noo! No more endearing fights between Nicola Bryant and Colin Baker!
Mike: No more poofy explosions because of imaginary nitroglycerin!
Crow: No more bouncy redheads who exercise!
[beat]
All: HOORAY!

>
>Part 10.

Tom: [singing] Ain't gonna sit through this again.

>
>In Roma's Starlight Citadel, preparations were afoot for a celebration.
>The adversary had been defeated once more, thanks to the X-Men and >Doctor
>Who.

Mike: And so the author finally wormed the title into the story.
Crow: That's 'Doctor Who and the X-Men.'
Mike: Don't remind me.

> "Thank you friends. Once more." Roma quietly said to Storm and Adric,
>who found themselves in the same room where Roma was.

Crow: How else would she be able to talk to them?

> "Will we have our lives back?" asked Storm.

Tom: No, you're doomed to wander the Earth as Nazgul.

> "Yes, including the Doctor's." replied a tired Roma.

Crow: [Roma] Yes, you'll get your stupid lives back. Will you just go,
already!

> "Do you wish to be sent somewhere else, or in the same place where
>you died?" asked Roma.

Mike: Send them to Cuba!

> "We would like to go back to where we were this time." said Storm.
>"Last time, you know what happened in Australia."

Tom: Ho-hum. Been through this before, Clyde, me boyo.

> "Before you leave, Adric, I would like to give you a gift." Roma said.
> "A gift?" Adric asked.

Mike: [Roma] It's from Frederick's, I hope you like it.

> "Yes, you will not know what this is right now. Later on after a
>sacrifice, you will know what it is. I wish you luck." replied Roma.

Crow: [stoned Burns] I bring you love.

> In a flash, Storm and Adric found themselves in the same place where
>they were fighting the Adversary before, in other words in the TARDIS
>doorway. The Doctor had had his lives returned to him. He could sense
>this himself.
> Suddenly a creature made of flame could be seen traversing the
>dimensional sky.

Crow: What color is a dimensional sky?
Mike: The same color as Meli's sky.

> "It's the Phoenix entity!" said Storm. "Let's hope it is not coming
>back! If it is, I hope it is Rachel."

Crow: [Storm] Oh, I hope it won't rain! But if it does, I hope it rains here.

> The Doctor, his companions and the X-Men went back to the Mansion.
> The Doctor started work to find the correct way to enable the TARDIS
>to return to its original space-time vortex and had appreciated
>Xavier's help in the use of Cerebro for this.

Tom: Meli's gotten really bored, he's wrapping this baby up quick as he can.

> "What is this Phoenix you spoke about, Storm?" asked an inquisitive
>Doctor.

Mike: [Storm, breezily] Oh, it's a planet eating monster that's nearly
destroyed Earth three or four times.

> "It is an energy entity resulting from early creation energies.
>Ultimately if the Phoenix entity is destroyed, or its bonded human
>host is killed, all the stars would go out like a candle in the wind."
>Storm replied in a calm voice.

Tom: [spacey] Yeah, that's def, man. Candles in the wind, man, that's deep.
Crow: [spaced] Wooooooo!

> After the Doctor had computed the correct values, and corrected some
>faulty circuitry he decided it was time to leave. Adric, Tegan and
>Nyssa joined the Doctor in the TARDIS after all of them said their
>goodbyes to the X-Men.

Crow: I'm starting to get the feeling Clyde doesn't like the companions.

> The Doctor went out of the TARDIS and
thanked
>Xavier. "No, I have to thank you!" said a happy Xavier.

Mike: [Xavier] It's a strapping young boy!

> The Doctor entered the TARDIS and operated the central console. The
>central column rose slowly and the TARDIS dematerialised promptly. A
>groaning noise could be heard before it dematerialised.

Tom: [Mitchell] Ooh, oh, yeah. Mmph. Just a little - yeah, ahhh...

> "Farewell Doctor" said Rogue looking at the spot where the TARDIS was.
>"and good luck."

Tom: You have to appreciate Clyde's audacity in putting Rogue in such a
pivotal role of little to no importance.

>
>Roma looked at the hologram in her room. She could visibly watch what
>was going on - she saw the Doctor leave. She saw the Phoenix traverse
>the interdimensional barriers.

Crow: What the hell does the Phoenix have to do with anything?

> "Adric's sacrifice will not be in vain. He will be rewarded by the
>ultimate of abilities. And no great power comes without great
>responsibility."

Mike: Oh, dear lord. That's Marvel's way of saying 'Watch for the sequel,
folks!'

>
>THE END..?

Crow: Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease say it's the end.

>
></pre>

Tom: Huzzah! We've to returned to HTML! It's almost over!

>
><p>
>Comments to: <a
>href="mailto:cm...@jaguar.is.unimt.mt">cm...@jaguar.is.unimt.mt</a>
><p>
> This fanfic may be freely archived on ftp sites, but please inform the
>author.

Crow: Why, oh why, would someone want to?

><p>
> I believe it is the first and only Doctor Who/X-Men crossover.

Tom: There's an excellent reason for that. Come on, fellas, we are *outta
here!*
All: Woo-hoo!
[1...2...3...4...5...6...*...]

[SOL. Everyone is visibly tired. Even Cambot is slumping a little, meaning our
view is lower than normal.]
Mike: Wow, that was a tough one.
Crow: Yes.
Tom: Yes.
Mike: Yes.
Crow: Yes.
Tom: Yes.
Mike: Ye - hey, wait a minute! What's going on?
Tom: It's as if the will to live has been sucked from me.
Crow: I'm ready to bow down before whoever proclaims to be my lord and
master.
Mike: Huh, I guess Doctor Forrester finally won.

[Deep 13]
Dr F: [oblivious to the state of affairs on board the SOL] Frank? Frank,
where are you? [He pokes around in the computer garbage some more]
Frank, you had better get your hinder out here before I find it!
Frank: [voice only] Hee hee. Can't catch me! I'm the Teletubbie Man!
[There's a rustling of computer tape in the back, then to the left,
far to the right, and then all around, always accompanied by giggling. Dr F is
turning wildly, trying to figure out where Frank's hiding. Frank's head pops up
in the back from under a big heap of magnetic tape. He makes a 'shsh' motion
towards the camera and ducks under again.]
Dr F: [cajoling] Frankie, Frankie, Frankie, I've got *potato cakes.* Potato
cakes heavy with ketchup and...ah, well...whatever you put on potato
cakes.
Frank: [again, from anywhere] With jelly?
Dr F: Um, sure, Frank. I've got potato cakes with jelly.
Frank: Yaaaaaayyyyy!!! [He jumps out of his hiding place and runs to Dr F,
only to find there are, in fact, no potato cakes.] [accusing] Hey, where
are the potato cakes?
Dr F: [angry] Right here, Frank!
[Dr F pulls an old monitor frame out from the rubbage and bops Frank
on the head with it. Frank falls forward and hits the button with his head.

\ | /
\ | / Pssshhhh!
----- O -----
/ | \
/ | \

"Mystery Science Theater 3000" is copyright Best Brains, Inc. This is
an homage and done for non-profit.
The X-Men are copyright Marvel (rapidly deflating zeppelin that it
is), and used without permission.
Same goes for "Doctor Who" and all associated characters, which belong
to the BBC.
Source text belongs to Clyde Meli.
The 'Pssshhh!' comes from Jamie Plummer's MSTing of "A New
Generation."
The idea for Joel's cameo comes from someone at alt.tv.mst3k. If I knew who, I
would say so.
Thank you, good night, and godspeed.

>They had given their lives of their free will, and they were now dead.

--
Tyler Dion E-mail: TDi...@aol.com
?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_
"So eight 5 and 1/4 inch floppy disks hold the key to time travel?"
- Tom Servo, Mystery Science Theater 3000: 821 Time Chasers