[MiSTed] "Double Vision" (4/4)

[Mike Barklage]

[SoL. Mike, Crow, and Tom are standing in an orderly row looking
at the camera.]

MIKE: Are you a writer of cheesy fanfics?
TOM: Would you rather not bother with learning correct grammar because you
don't have time, or just don't care?
CROW: Are you a big Shatner fan?
MIKE: If you answered 'yes' to any of those questions, then you may be
a candidate for "..."!
TOM: Yes, "..."! "..." makes writing fanfics easy by removing the need
for that nasty grammar stuff!
CROW: Want to include a lot of pauses in your story without a lot of work?
Then try "..."!
MIKE: We've put together a presentation of "..." in action! Roll it,
Cambot!

> No......no, this wasn't Dana.

> I........am I dead?"

> Poor guy, Mulder reasoned.....

> "No......I......

> "But it's not blurry...it's as if you're....."outlined"....

> The presence he
> felt was not Evil, or harmful...in fact it was almost....loving,
> nurturing.. in a way, even protective.

> There's something wrong with the car,....get it checked.

> "So...what?"

> the woman in the
> crowd.....she was....killed, his fault...he was too slow.

> "There's no time...whatever I need to do or find out....it's
> important--and time is running out.

> he pushed on and...on...

> It could be tonight, could be tomorrow or a week from
> tomorrow...I don't know....just *soon*.

> she breathed in the scent of him....it's funny,

> "I know about it, Habib....it's AMAIR flight 422.....a ghost told
> me....

> Is he gonna do it today....or maybe he'll
> wait....and do it tomorrow...

> "having big feet cones in handy occasionally.....I
> tripped em'"

MIKE: See how easy it is?
CROW: And with easy monthly installments of only $19.95, the power of "..."
can be yours!
TOM: "..." slices and dices!
MIKE: "..." cuts through our old "..." in nothing flat! And never needs
sharpening!
CROW: "..." is sensitive and just wants to be your friend!
ALL: Try "...", won't you? Thank you!

[Movie sign lights and buzzers go off.]

ALL: AH! WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIGN!

6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1... *...

[They re-enter the theater.]

TOM: Brought to you by the Council for the Advancement of "..."!

>
> From: imast...@aol.com (ImAStinker)
> Date: 11 Oct 1994 09:16:01 -0400
> Newsgroups: alt.tv.x-files.creative
> Subject: Double Vision #8

MIKE: Okay, guys, we're coming around the home stretch!

>
> Mulder decocked the gun,

ALL: <clear throats>

> spun Habib around and gave him a shove toward the
> waiting SWAT captain.

CROW: <as captain> Ha! Now it's *my* turn to dance!

>
> "Get this piece of shit out of my sight," he growled with disgust,

TOM: Geez, clean up after your dog, will ya?

> then
> lifted his eyes and smiled almost shyly, "Well, it was worth a try,
> anyway."

MIKE: Ah. This must be the 'up' part of his manic depressive mood swings.

>
> The captain stopped, gave Mulder an appraising stare and chuckled
> approvingly,

CROW: "Have you ever considered modeling?"

> "Agent Mulder, should you ever decide that Bureau work isn't
> sufficiently challenging, come and see me. There's alway room in my
> department for someone with the balls to pull off what you just did."

TOM: Room in my department for someone with balls... Mike, is that dirty?
MIKE: I don't know.

>
> "Thanks, I'll keep that in mind," he answered jokingly.

MIKE: <as Mulder, muttering> Dickweed.
CROW: <as cop, also muttering> Jerk-off.

>
> He turned just in time to see Dana glaring at him from behind a counter.

CROW: <as Scully> Can I help you?

> He knew that glare...they both knew there was no time to pursue the
> meaning behind the glare and what he was sure would be an ensuing lecture,

TOM: ...plus a recitation and weekly study sessions.

> so he prepared himself for the 'reader's digest' synopsis of the longer
> version that he was sure to get later when everything was over.

MIKE: I'm sorry, but I just don't find "Life in These United States" very
funny.

>
> She came over to him and started to say something when he cut her off
> with,

CROW: --a 12-inch machete.

> "Yeah, I know...make notes...

TOM: Nag, nag, nag.

> and we can discuss it later...over
> dinner?" he hedged.

MIKE: I don't think I've ever 'hedged' in my whole life.

>
> "Why, so you can weasel out of the discussion? I'm a big girl...

CROW: I know! Just look at the episodes where you're pregnant!

> I can
> take care of myself. You don't have to be my "knight in shining armor."

TOM: Or even my "violent, abusive FBI agent with no respect for proper
police procedure."

> I want you just the way you are...

MIKE: Dumb as a doorknob.

> alive. You take too many chances and I
> would hate to think any of them were because of me."
>
> "Oh come on Dana,"

CROW: Next time on "XXX-Files"!
MIKE: CROW!

> he complained defensively, "You know I have respect for
> your expertise and your abilities

TOM: <clears throat> *If* you know what I mean.

> to do your job. I mean you've pulled my
> butt out of a sling

MIKE: --and my thumbs out of my butt--

> on more than one occasion but I don't harangue you

CROW: Mmmm... lemon harangue pie.

> for
> taking the chances when you do...

TOM: that voodoo... that you do... so well...

> I might think about it...but I don't do
> it. Sure....sure

MIKE: Raise your hand if you're sure!

> I'd take a chance on risking the big "dirt nap" if I
> thought it'd keep you safe. Are you honestly telling me that you wouldn't
> do the same?"

CROW: Well, *yeah*!

>
> "Dirt nap?" she snickered.

TOM: You're so thilly...

> "Ok, so we're both guilty of risk
> taking....but you have to admit that you do it more often than I do."

MIKE: That depends. Do you have more of a social life that I do?

>
> " I don't have to admit any such thing," he stuck his chin out stubbornly.

CROW: So there.

> "Ok, if taking risks means that I can keep some fanatical nut from
> blowing your brains out....Yeah, I'm guilty as fucking charged

MIKE: That reminds me, I've been meaning to do something...
TOM: What, Mike?
MIKE: Oh, you'll find out later.

> and I'd do
> the same goddamn thing over again if the situation repeated itself. So
> you can lecture me till your blue in the face and it's not gonna make one
> bit of difference about the way I feel or change what I'd do." He'd
> gotten red in the face

TOM: Or blue.

> and raised his voice to her and realized that he'd
> reacted emotionally

CROW: Oh no! I've neglected my Vulcan training!

> and hoped that she wouldn't be too angry with him for
> he hated it when she gave him the cold shoulder treatment.

MIKE: And he also was talking in sentences that ran on and on and he hated
that for he liked good grammar and now he was mad at himself.

>
> She looked him in the eye, obviously startled by his uncharacteristic
> outburst

TOM: Ewww! All over the floor!

> and walked across the room to stand by his side.

CROW: <as Scully> Okay, I'll be subservient again!

>
> He bowed his head and sighed loudly, then whispered, "I'm an idiot...

MIKE: No arguments here, buddy.

> I'm
> sorry, I didn't mean to yell...."

TOM: <as Mulder> It was an accident. I have no control over my vocal cords.

>
> She reached up and with her thumb and forefinger,

CROW: --and picked both nostrils at once!

> gently lifted his chin
> so that she could look into the honesty of those beautiful soulful eyes

ALL: <sigh loudly>
MIKE: I think someone has a *big* crush on David Duchovny.
TOM: You mean a certain stinky author who shall remain nameless?
MIKE: Exactly.

> and smiled forgivingly. "It's ok....I love you too. Let's get out of
> here, we're wasting time."

CROW: Let's get right to the lovin'!

> He placed his arm around her shoulders,
> gathered her close and escorted her through the double doors and out of
> the building.

TOM: Violence to others makes our love stronger!

>
> "Damn it," Mulder sputtered in frustration

ALL: YAH!
MIKE: Jump cut! Sudden transition!

> as he hurled an unsuspecting
> book across the room

CROW: Stupid book! I hate you forever!

> and into the "E=MC2" poster of Einstein on the
> opposite wall.

TOM: Hey! What did Einstein ever do to *you*?

> Scully, who entered the room just in time to witness his
> little temper tantrum remarked wryly, "testing Einstein's Theory yet
> again...are we?"

MIKE: I don't think so. He didn't throw that book at the speed of light,
did he?
CROW: That was a "wry" comment? She ain't Seinfeld.
TOM: She isn't even Gallagher.

>
> He rolled his eyes upward and if she didn't know better,

MIKE: ...and she doesn't...

> she'd say he was
> pouting.

CROW: Mulder, the Immature FBI Agent.

>
> "Dana, I've gone over flight paths, departing and arrival times, cargo
> lists, crew personnel, blueprints,

TOM: ...my old high school yearbooks...
MIKE: ...the nutritional information panel on a box of Lucky Charms...
CROW: ...the new issue of Hustler...

> any damn thing I can think of and
> nothing "clicks."

TOM: Except my revolver. I've got to buy more bullets.

> I've got one of those "feelings" that the information I
> need is here....it's here and I just can't find it."

MIKE: Dammit, I need a card catalog!

> He absently shoved
> the pencil he'd been using

CROW: --up his nose.
ALL: OW!

> down the cast and began working it up and down
> in a scratching motion.

TOM: Is that another Stinky fantasy?
MIKE: Huh?
CROW: Oh yes... work it up and down...
MIKE: You two need to get your mind out of the gutter.
TOM: I will, if this fanfic cooperates.

> She smiled at the uselessness of the action and
> pulled the pencil out of his hand.
>
> "You're gonna hurt yourself doing that," she said in a placating tone.

CROW: First she throws herself at him, now she's treating him like a
three-year old.
MIKE: I wonder what Freud would have to say about this scene.

>
> "It's either that or gnaw my arm off at the elbow," he whined desperately.

TOM: Immature *and* whiney.

>
> She laughed lightly, "Guess you'll think twice about jumping out in front
> of speeding cars next time....won't you?"

MIKE: Yeah, no more sacrificing yourself to save others!

>
> "Can't promise anything...but I'm sure it'll cross my mind."

CROW: ...just before the tire crosses it, too.

>
> "Maybe you should check the passenger manifest again," she suggested.
>
> "Passenger manifest? Of course....how could I have forgotten about the
> manifest?.....God, I've had shit for brains lately."

TOM: There is so much you could say to that...

> He sorted through
> the clutter on his desk, pulled out the passenger manifest and ran his
> finger down the page until two names practically jumped out and bit
> him...literally...

MIKE: Practically literally?
CROW: Uh-oh! Another acid flashback!

> a sharp pain pierced his fingers as they touched the
> names on the list and he yelped out loud....Nicolai and Yanna Yeltsin....
>
> "Dana, call Dullus.

TOM: Please, this fanfic is already Dull enough!

> Tell them there is or will be a bomb placed on
> tonight's 6:30 AM AIR Flight 422....

CROW: It will be called "Wyatt Earp", and it will star Kevin Costner.

> What time is it now," he mumbled to
> himself as he looked at his watch....5:30...

MIKE: <as Mulder> Dana, flip on the local news, will ya?

> "Shit, let's go...

TOM: You should have thought of that before you left.

> call them on
> the cellular in the car on the way. Tell them to get the people away from
> that plane and to keep all portable radios out of the concourse...

CROW: Those radios might be playing New Kids on the Block, so be cautious!

> after
> you've done that, notify the bomb disposal unit and get them out
> there...

MIKE: ...to clean up the port-a-potties.

> tell them to keep it low key,

TOM: I hate it when people sing out of tune.

> God knows where the asshole will put
> the thing if he can't get it on the plane."

CROW: Now, I *know* that's dirty. I just can't quite figure out why.

>
> They arrived at the airport before everyone else

MIKE: Of course! They are the heroes, after all!

> and were met by airport
> security.

TOM: Halt! No bad fanfics are allowed inside the airport!

>
> "What get's loaded first...

CROW: Let's get loaded first? Woo! Sounds like a plan to me!

> who are the first people to get near that
> plane," he asked the airline rep.

MIKE: I don't know. Do you know.
TOM: Are you talking to me. What was the question.

>
> "Luggage and freight," she said matter of factly.

CROW: That's my only line.
MIKE: Let's give a round of applause for the airline rep!
ALL: <cheer, clap>

>
> "Good, get me down there quick," he replied as he followed her down to the
> luggage loading area. "Scully, check with the boarding officers and
> don't let anyone on that plane."

TOM: <Brit accent> Okay, then, we can't leave the room until you get back.
CROW: <ditto> No, *he* can't leave the room until I get back.
TOM: <again> Oh! You can't come in the room until we leave.

> Be careful, she thought to him....as she headed back to the operations
> desk.

MIKE: Operation! The goofy game for dopey doctors!

>
> I'll try...he thought back to her....amazed at his ability to receive the
> thought in the first place...

CROW: <as Mulder> Oh yeah. I'm psychic. I forgot.

> Well, Kava...I hope you take this back after
> this is all over cause I don't *want* to know everything that goes through
> Dana Scully's mind, he thought ruefully."

TOM: Why not? I would!

>
> He watched the loading from a corner of the building, looking for anything
> unusual or out of place and not sure that he'd know it even if he saw it.

MIKE: Suddenly, he saw an old lady coming after him. He knew that it
was time for MENTOS to go into action!

> Men in coveralls marched back and forth between the loading tram and the
> plane...

CROW: It's Tractor Pull Night at the airport!

> then he saw it,

TOM: A beer that is less filling *and* tastes great!

> they all wore rubber soled, sneaker type shoes

MIKE: Those stupid Nikes with the red light in the sole. Shoot them now!

> except for one man who appeared to be carrying....a large radio.

CROW: Oh my God! He's playing Whitney Houston! GET HIM!!

> He drew
> his weapon and approached the tram from an angle so as to hopefully come
> up on the individual unnoticed.

TOM: I'm going to arrest him for possesion of an unauthorized radio!

> When he was close enough, he shouted the
> required warning," Federal Agent, don't move."

MIKE: Stupid required warning! We should be able to just open fire!

> The man turned and upon
> seeing the weapon, held the radio in front of him, jumped into the tram

CROW: I'm taking this tram to Disneyworld, and there's *nothing* you can
do about it!

> and took off down the runway.

TOM: Great job, Mulder. Let's see if you can screw things up any *more*.

> Mulder holstered his Glock,

ALL: <clear throat>

> and grabbed the
> end of the tram with his good arm and hauled himself over the stacks of
> luggage, making his way haphazardly to the front of the tram where the man
> tried to use the radio as a club to knock him off.

ALL: <explosion noise>
MIKE: Using an explosive radio as a club is really not all that bright.

> When that failed, he
> applied the brakes which flipped Mulder heavily to the pavement and onto
> the cast which emitted a loud cracking noise when he landed.

CROW: Ow! That'll never heal!

> The suspect
> then jumped from the tram and ran toward the hangars at the far end of the
> runway with Mulder, though slightly shaken, still in pursuit.

TOM: Re-broken arm? Ah, only a flesh wound. No problem.

> He caught
> up with the man halfway down the runway and again drew his weapon.

MIKE: Not only is it not a problem, but he can run faster now, too!
CROW: That which does not kill you only makes you stronger, right?

>
> "It's over," he yelled, "put the radio down and step away from it."

TOM: Your Michael Bolton reign of terror is over!

>
> "It is not over," said the man in a fevered tone,

MIKE: What, the fanfic? I wish!

> "Until I say.....I will
> die before I will go with you," and before Mulder could move any closer a
> loud blast sounded in his ears and a flash blinded him as he tumble
> backward onto the tarmac.
>
>

CROW: Huh. The end?

> From: imast...@aol.com (ImAStinker)

TOM: Nope.

> Date: 11 Oct 1994 09:18:02 -0400
> Newsgroups: alt.tv.x-files.creative

MIKE: I'm beginning to seriously doubt that "creative" part.

> Subject: Double Vision #9

CROW: This story is longer than a Robert Jordan series.

>
> He couldn't hear and he couldn't see

TOM: Lucky bastard. I wish *I* couldn't see or hear the end of this thing.

> but he felt hands lift him unto a
> gurney and he felt the motion of the vehicle and the familiar gentle touch
> he'd grown so used to over the past two years,

MIKE: Has it really been two years since we started reading this?
TOM: Feel like it.

> brush the hair from his
> eyes.
>
> "Dana?" he moaned slightly. A hand patted him on the shoulder. She was
> there. He knew it and that was all that mattered now.

CROW: Well, that, and whether or not he's going to *live*.

>
> "You're a very lucky man," the doctor told him as he placed the bandages
> over his eyes.

TOM: That's what *we* said.

> His hearing had returned, abeit slightly ringing.

MIKE: Hello? Would someone please answer the phone? Hello?!

> "You've
> got a nasty case of flash burn, but in a few days we'll take off the
> bandages and everything should be back to normal."

CROW: Uh-uh. I call no way.
TOM: Okay, this bomb is big enough to blow up *at least* the tail section
of a plane...
MIKE: ...then Mulder gets caught at ground zero when it blows up...
CROW: ...and he comes away with just a few burns? There'd be Mulder bits
all over the runway!

>
> "Normal?' Did you say normal? Honestly doctor, you don't know what
> you're saying....

TOM: <as Scully> We're suing for malpractice!

> This man's *normal* would curl your toes."

MIKE: <as Mulder> Ha ha ha! Bite me!

>
> "Are you certain that you want to take responsibility for him?" the doctor
> inquired.
>
> "Oh yeah, You listen to me Fox Mulder....

TOM: <as doctor> But... my name's not Fox Mulder!

> you will behave and do what
> you're told or you're gonna come back here and I'll have them put you in a
> body cast."

CROW: Kinky... but okay!

>
> "Jesus Dana,

MIKE: Ah yes, one last Scully-as-Christ reference.

> I didn't know you had such a cruel streak,"

TOM: I *like* that!

> he said as he
> tried to get the tongue depressor down the new cast they'd placed on his
> arm.

CROW: No, no, no, that goes in your *mouth*. You know, that big open maw
on your face that you open way too much?

>
> "And stop putting things in the cast."
>
> "It itches," he complained loudly.

ALL: SHUT UP!!

>
> "Just remember, all the things that would itch in a body cast."

MIKE: Just remember, those incomplete sentences.

>
> He frowned slightly but remained silent, dropping the tongue depressor
> quickly to the floor.

TOM: ...right in the pile of puke that they *still* hadn't cleaned up!

> "Point taken," he finally conceded.
>
> He slid carefully off the table and she grabbed him around the waist and
> guided him out of the door and down the hallway.

CROW: Wait! Where are you taking me! I have my rights!

> His hand dropped
> slightly off her shoulder and rested lightly over her left
> breast....

MIKE: I just want to slap this fanfic. Hard.

> "Oops, sorry," he managed to comment,

TOM: Duh... girl pretty...

> not quite keeping the
> smile off his face. "You wouldn't hit a blind man, would ya?"

CROW: <as Mulder> I'm sure my boyish charm and good looks will get me off
the hook...

>
> "No, I don't believe I would. Wait until we get home.....I'll teach you
> the Braille method," she answered teasingly.

MIKE: End! Please, END!!

>
> "But I only have one hand..."

CROW: Well, that's plenty for what *you'll* be doing!
MIKE: Crow... oh, who cares.

>
> "Necessity is the mother of invention," she retorted

TOM: And weird science fiction shows are the mothers of cheesy fanfics!

> as she turned her
> head and placed his fingers in her mouth.

MIKE: ...and then bit down, neatly slicing them off at the knuckle.

>
> He nearly collapsed on the floor as she supported his weight, and
> explained to a group of passing nurses...."It's all right,

CROW: Just another coma, nothing to worry about.

> he's just
> feeling a little "faint.""
>
> "Dana," he whispered, "You don't play fair."

TOM: It seems fitting that this fanfic should end with more stupid
dialogue.

>
> Faint laughter echoed in the hall as they walked out into the night.

MIKE: ...then were jumped by muggers and brutally beaten.
CROW: We wish.

>
>
>
>
>
>

TOM: Is that it? Where's the end?!

>
>
> FINE
>
>

TOM: There it is! It's over!!
CROW: "FINE"? No, I am *not* fine! In fact, I have a bone to pick with
this Stinky person!
MIKE: Let's get out of here while we still can. And that reminds me...

[Mike picks up Tom and they all leave.]

>
>
>
>
>

[SoL. Mike is scrubbing the inside of Gypsy's mouth with soap. Tom and
Crow are standing by, and all three bots have soapy foam coming out of their
mouths. Crow is making gagging sounds, and Tom is unsuccessfully trying to
spit out the soap. Mike finishes scrubbing Gypsy.]

MIKE: There, that oughta l'arn ya.
TOM: But Mike! <spit> We didn't say anything!
CROW: Yeah! <spit> It was Mulder who was saying all those dirty words.
GYPSY: And I wasn't even in the theater!
ALL THREE BOTS: Yeah!
MIKE: Well, this is in case you ever *think* about saying those words.
I'm teaching you a lesson.
TOM: Geez, Mike, I didn't know you were such a Puritan...
MIKE: Yeah, well... I've also been wanting to do this for a long time.
I can't tell you how much fun this is!

[All three bots just kind of stare at Mike.]

MIKE: <weakly> Um... anyway, what did you guys think of today's experiment?
TOM: Heh, what a loser.
CROW: That fanfic had about as much spookiness in it as a Halloween
epiode of "Full House".
MIKE: I don't know. I didn't think it was that bad.
TOM: What?! Are you completely forgetting the sappy yet stupid conversations
throughout the whole story?
MIKE: No.
CROW: What about the characterization of Mulder and Scully, who just did
*not* act at *all* like they would on the show?
MIKE: I know.
TOM: And all the god-da--

[Mike looks sternly at Tom.]

TOM: Uh, I mean, the gosh-darn ellipses?
MIKE: Taken into account.
CROW: And the fact that the whole thing was just a big ripoff of "The Dead
Zone" by Stephen King?
MIKE: It still wasn't as bad as it could have been.
TOM&CROW: HOW?!
MIKE: It could've been a John_-_Winston post.

[A short silence as the bots mull this over.]

CROW: Point taken.
MIKE: So, back to you, Evil Overbites, and thanks for not sending such a
bad post this time!

[D13. Dr. Forrester and Frank are still at the spot they were in at the
beginning: Forrester at the camera, Frank at the computer.]

DR.F: Don't be so grateful, Wormie! This post is only the *beginning*!
We have not even begun to tap the evil that is alt.tv.x-files.creative!

[Dr. Forrester laughs evilly for a few seconds, then suddenly stops and
turns to Frank.]

DR.F: Push the button, Frank!

[Frank continues to stare at the screen.]

DR.F: <exasperated> Would you STOP playing Solitare and please push the
button?!

[Still no response from Frank. Finally, Dr. Forrester sighs deeply and
pushes the button himself.]

DR.F: That's it. No more Windows Entertainment Pack for you.
FRANK: Awwwww...!

\ | /
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[roll credits]

Mystery Science Theater 3000 and all characters and situations therein
is copyrighted by Best Brains Inc. I am not selling this work, and I
don't have any money, so don't sue me. X-Files and its characters, etc,
is a copyright of Chris Carter and Ten Thirteen Productions. Ditto on
the sueing part. In addition, this MiSTing is NOT a personal attack
on ImAStinker (aka Cheryl Cohen). It is meant in fun and games, and
should not be taken seriously.

> "Huh? Oh, now *that's* a real comfort," he commented dryly, as he slapped
> his forehead with the palm of his hand. Go figure.