[MiSTied] Mars Invades DC 3/3
Claye Hodge
>"...pathological hatred of Martians...spirit guides may direct him
>to...potential.." She put the chart down, saying, "I can't read this."
CROW:.."With a straight face."
> Jackson, senior board member said, "A lot of malarkey, if you ask me. I
>don't care if he hates Martians. He's got no record of bothering people.
>I vote we process him out of here."
TOM: And people are complaining about the court systems??? Look at who's
letting THESE nutcases out.
> Clarence's landlady in a rundown apartment house in downtown Washington
>was a sweet old redneck. As she opened the door to the little kitchenette
>she told him she was glad to rent to "one of us," tossing a glance over
>her shoulder at a black tenant.
CROW: She's crazy, too?
> Clarence didn't follow her glance. It
>wouldn't have mattered, since Martians came in all colors to the
MIKE: Green, blue, turquoise, pasley...
>unknowing. But he saw them as they were, gray, with great dark eyes, as
>the flying saucer contactees described them.
> She added, "I don't mind saying I'm afraid of 'em. They're taking over.
> It seems like only yesterday when just our kind were here."
TOM: I've lost the whole idea of what this is.
MIKE: I think the writer lost it, too.
> "Only yesterday," Clarence repeated. "Don't worry, though. Help is on
>the way."
CROW:[Shatner] On the next.. Rescue 911.
> Just then there was a commotion as a little girl pushed a small boy down
>the stairs. R The landlady handed Clarence the keys and bustled off to
>see if the child was hurt.
> "So she can see them too," Clarence said aloud to his guides. "But
>she's too busy with unimportant things to be of use."
TOM: Oh sure... Seeing martians is MUCH more important than a child that
was just in a life-threatening accident.. MUCH more important.
> He then went inside and looked around. "It seems all right," he said to
>them. "You heard her say it was only yesterday. We'll have to get to
>work."
CROW: Turn me off, I can't take anymore of this!
> As he unpacked his suitcase he answered one of his guides, "Yes, I can
>do it if you point out the targets. I don't want any Earth people to get
>hurt, unless they're pro-Martian. But now I have to go out and buy the
>stuff we talked about. Of course I know what to buy. I had chemistry all
>through high school. You know that."
MIKE: Course, I FLUNKED Chemistry, but that doesn't matter.
> As he opened the door to leave, he said, "I'll talk to you when I get
>back. I have to concentrate now."
TOM:[Clarence] Ok... gotta concentrate.. How do you close the door???
> His strategy was to make and use ammonium nitrogen itri-iodide. This
>is a substance which when dry, will explode at any vibration; the touch of
>a feather, a breath, a rise in temperature.
CROW: A lame story being posted on alt.slack.
> The "undefusable" bomb!
> He walked to the nearest drugstore and asked the pharmacist for a bottle
>of iodine crystals but he had none. He went from one drugstore to the
>next until he neared a large hospital. That pharmacy stocked it for
>hospital use. The pharmacist asked Clarence what he wanted it for.
MIKE: Ok.. gotta be cool.. I'm.. going... to take over the world from the
martians. DOH!
> Clarence was a smooth talker and had a cover story ready. "I rented
>this old house and it's a mess. The landlord gave me cheap rent to clean
>it up. But it smells like eight people died there. What you do is put a
CROW: Jeffrey Dahmer's house?
MIKE: Ohhh, that was bad.
>teaspoonful of iodine crystals in bowls in every room and it dissolves in
>the air and fumigates the place. Kills all the germs, too.
TOM: And fights Gingivitis!
> "My grandma did it that way. Of course, you shouldn't be in the room
>for twenty-four hours while it's working."
MIKE: Or this is what will happen to you.[points to the screen.]
> The a pharmacist commented that he'd heard of that and sold Clarence a
>four-ounce bottle.
> Next, Clarence went to a supermarket and a hardware store and bought
>lots of odds and ends.
CROW: What would MacGyver do?
> There was cleaning ammonia, four cartons of book
>matches, four four-foot lengths of one-half inch PVC tubing, a package of
>thirty #7 Water Gremlin split shot fishing sinkers, coarse sand paper,
>rubber tape, two half-inch dowels, Super Glu Gel, a hacksaw blade, etc.
MIKE: Isn't that a list for Robot parts?
BOTS: HEY!
> When he got back to the little apartment, Clarence set about making a
>simple still from quarter-inch plastic tubing, a light bulb, two tin cans,
>Goop, a No. 6 cork, a Tums bottle and a two-quart plastic container. When
MIKE: He'll need a baby's car seat. [Gypsy comes in the theater.] OH! Uhh..
Hi, Gypsy... he he he..
GYPSY: Behave yourself. [Gypsy leaves the theater.]
>he got it set up, he quickly distilled two ounces of very strong ammonia
>from the weak and soapy mess sold as a cleaner. While he worked he
TOM: Whistled. [singing] Whistle while you work...
[Mike whistles the tune.]
>gleefully explained aloud to his guides every step and the impact of the
>project on the Martian in xvaders.
MIKE: Never heard of that one.
> Then he cut off all the match heads from the four cartons. He put them
>in a shallow bowl and poured boiling water over them. Next he stirred
>them until the potassium chlorate and sulfur making up the heads dropped
>away from the cardboard. He then scooped out the cardboard and put the
>bowl in the oven at its lowest heat to evaporate the liquid.
CROW: We must HAVE segwayed into an episode of MacGyver.
> Then he proceeded to cut the PVC tubing into 128 one and a half inch
>lengths. Next he sanded the edges of both ends of the dowel before
>cutting off one-quarter inch at each end. This was so they would go into
>the tubes easier.
MIKE: Noooo?? REALLY???
> He repeated the process until he had over 200 tube
>stoppers.
> Clarence was fortunate that his landlady was health conscious and had
>chronic indigestion and that she saved everything. He had seen rows of
>plastic bottles of Tums, Rolaids and vitamins in her office. When he
>asked if she had any empties she was happy to give him a sackful. He took
>them to x his apartment and chose thirty which would hold just over six
>ounces.
TOM: Why are we reading THIS?
> His next step was a visit to two different gas stations with a gas can.
>He had decided on thirty gas bombs and was vexed that he had to make two
>trips. He was short fifty-four ounces and so had to make that extra trip,
>and to another station so as not to be noticed. Weren't twenty-one gas
>bombs enough? But orders were orders.
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> When he got back he put six ounces into each of the thirty bottles.
>Then he upended them to test if the lids could be screwed on tight enough
>to prevent leakage. They didn't leak.
CROW: Clarence can stop leaks.. WOW.
> His next job was to put Super Glu Gel around the inside of the PVC tubes
>and press in the stoppers.
> By the next day the water was evaporated from the match head mixture and
>he scraped it off the bowl and powdered it with the bottom of a spoon. He
>put the thirty sinkers in tubes and filled them two-thirds full with the
>powder and set them aside. When Kthese were done he put the same
>amount of powder in the other seventy.
TOM: What is this? How to make your own Martian repellant?
> Then he crushed a half ounce of iodine crystals to a powder, poured it
>into a pill bottle and poured in an ounce of the strong ammonia. After
>snapping the lid on tight he let it set for a half hour. He then poured
>the liquid and mush into two piles onto a newspaper and let most of the
>liquid be absorbed. He scraped one pile up while it was still quite
>moist and left the other pile alone until it showed little moisture.
CROW: That's it. I'm out of here! [Crow gets up and walks out of the
theater.
> "You see," he said to his guides, "I have to put in just enough crystal
>to ignite the powder. If I put in too much and it breaks the tube so the
>gasoline floods the powder, the powder won't explode and vaporize the
>gasoline. Also since there will be more vibration on the bus, the
>moisture in the crystals will dissipate and dry quicker. So E the
[Mike gets up and brings Crow back to the theater.]
>moister crystals will go in those twenty for the buses. Since there will
>be no vibrations in the mail boxes except for maybe bunches of letters
>hitting, the dryer stuff will go in those ten gas bombs. The seventy for
>the car gas tanks will be dryer since they'll just be lying in there until
>the cars are well on the road.
MIKE: Sit down.
CROW: I don't want to.. Waaaaaaaaahhhhh...
> "Of course mail boxes. We agreed we should disrupt communications. I
>don't care: don't argue with me. I'm not going to argue about it.
TOM: Oh great.. Now he's argueing to himself.
> "The sinkers? Oh, they're to make the gas bombs explode up instead of
>down, like it would if the tube was floating."
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> Clarence had to test the product, so he used a razor knife to pick up a
>bit of the dryer crystal and set it aside while he filled a spare tube
>three-quarters full with powder. Then he dropped in the crystal and
>sealed the tube with a dowel piece smeared with Super Glu Gel. Next he
>put it in a small cardboard box, wrapped the box in a blanket and put it
>in the oven.
CROW: He's making Shrinky Dinks!
> Before his guides had taken him over i in his last year of high
>school, Clarence had been an A student in chemistry. He loved novel
>chemical reactions and was quite a practical joker then. He had played
>with iodine bombs and other stunts so often he knew within a half hour
>just how long it would take for one to dry and then explode.
MIKE: So that's why he was in the Asylum.
> After a little over an hour, he opened the oven door slightly and
>jiggled the bundle with a stick. There was a muffled bang and couple of
>PVC particles came through the box and blanket and hit the sides of the
>oven.
TOM: I wish this post was in the blanket.
> After the testing Clarence proceeded to load the tubes for the car gas
>tanks. He filled them three-quarters full of powder and measured out a
>piece of the least moist paste about the size of a quarter grain of rice.
>When it was in, he put Super-Glue Gel around the bottom of the stopper and
>pressed it flush with the tube. After doing ten he put them into the
>freezer compartment of the refriger aator to keep them from drying.
CROW: What does Ator have to do with it?
>When the seventy were done he began the gas bombs.
> Clarence had thirty gas bombs to make. He dropped a sinker in each and
>put in the two-thirds powder. He set ten aside and dropped in a bit of
>the moister crystal in the twenty and put in the dowels. Then he put them
>in the freezer compartment and started in on the ten for the mail boxes.
> Since these would not be jostled much and needed to dry faster he used
>the dryer crystal. He also put the ten in the freezer. He put all the
>gasoline bottles in the refrigerator to cool, giving him a few minutes
>more before the tubes would warm up enough for the crystal to dry.
TOM: Drink it DRY...
> About 2:30 p.m. Clarence uncapped the gas filled bottles and dropped
>twenty tubes in and marked them. After closing them tightly and putting
>them in his airline bag, he did the same for the ten for the mail boxes.
>Then he left for the bus stop !a block away.
MIKE: That had the word ACTION written all over it.
CROW: Yeah, BACKWARDS.
> His first targets were bus-loads of Martians. The buses he chose were
>those serving Washington proper, avoiding those headed for the suburbs.
>Of course, his guides would direct him. Even so, most of the local buses
>were filled with Martians.
> Some of the passengers were children. But Clarence remembered a movie
>wherein General Philip Sheridan said of killing Indian youngsters, "Nits
>make lice."
ALL: HUH???
> Just before the first bus reached him he had a thought.
CROW: That's a first.
> Or maybe one
>of his guides gave it to him. At any rate, if it worked, the guide would
>take credit for it. The thought was that maybe someone would see what he
>thought was a lost bottle of Tums and take it.. It needed a disguise.
TOM: Ok.. try writing the word "TUMS" on it.
>There was a trash receptacle nearby so Clarence reached in and got three
>dirty fast food sacks. He put two in his pocket and stuffed a gas bottle
>in the last. No one would care to pick that up.
> Just then the bus stopped and he got on. He then follo Owed the
>procedure he had rehearsed in his mind with his guides. After putting the
>coins in the box he pretended to drop one. He backed up slightly, facing
>the front and bent down.
[Tom makes a noise.]
MIKE: EWWW..
> Then he put the bottle of gasoline in its paper
>sack under the driver's seat.
> He then straightened up and made his way back to the side exit. After
>two blocks he pulled the cord and got out. Looking around, he spotted a
>public mail box. He opened his airline bag and popped one of the ten into
>the hopper and then crossed the street as another bus going back stopped.
>He got on and repeated the process. In a little over half an hour he had
>gotten on and off twenty buses and planted the other nine gas bombs in
>mail boxes.
> As his last bus passed near his apartment house he got off. He went in
>and emptied four ice trays into an Igloo Little Playmate drink cooler.
>Then he put the seventy gas tank bomblets i 'n a large zip-lock baggie
>and pushed it down into the ice.
CROW: Well, THIS guy has no life at all.
> Off he went again and took a bus to a large parking lot he had passed
>before. He removed several bomblets and put them in his pocket. As he
>passed among the cars he opened the gas flaps and checked to see if they
>had locking gas caps.
> Few did. Since most gas tanks had baffles to prevent siphoning, they
>were not needed. Besides, Martians didn't use locking gas caps. One
TOM: He sure does know what martians do and what they don't do.
>after another he poked a bomblet into the gas tanks of seventy cars. It
>was now nearly four p.m. By shortly after five the crystals would be dried
>and, as the tubes were jostled by the cars' motion, they would carry the
>Martian drivers to a fiery doom.
> Instead of getting back on a bus that might have a bomb on board, he
>walked the ten blocks from the parking lot to the apartment house. He
>stopped at an appliance store and bought a cheap black and white TV.
MIKE: Must have gone in a Radio Shack.
> At 5:22 p.m. the first bomb went off on Pennsylvania Avenue. The bus
>was pack Eed,
CROW: The bus was pack eed???
> as usual for that time of day. Fifty cubic feet of flame
>engulfed the Martian driver and passengers crowded at the front of the
>bus. The driver could not have opened the door, even had he had the
>presence of mind, for the press of burning bodies blocking the entrance.
> The bus lurched drunkenly out of its lane, smashing into several
>oncoming cars and blocking the street in both directions.
TOM: Oops! That car didn't have martians in it.
> Inside the bus, flaming clothing spread a pall of choking smoke toward
>the rear. Those standing at the side exit pulled the cord in vain.
>Whatever emergency exits there were were not used in the panic. As the
>flames spread, the smoke killed every Martian on the bus.
CROW: By this time, their lungs were aching for air.
> An Earth person on the sidewalk with a Camcorder caught the scene just
>as a Martian in a postman's uniform opened up a mail box. As smoke seeped
>out the cracks in the bus, the postman automatically reached down for an
>armload of mail. The Camcorder caught him just as one of the bombs
>exploded in his face.
MIKE: That's gotta burn.
> As this scene was sh Eown on TV an hour later, Clarence was reminded
>of the old Blondie and Dagwood movies showing the ever late Dagwood
>running into the mailman and scattering his letters to the four winds.
>Only the letters on TV were on fire.
TOM: This guy is really, really sick.
> At 5:30 the large parking lot was nearly empty, with most of the Martian
>targets well along on the streets and freeways. But three cars of late
>leavers went up almost simultaneously. One exploded spontaneously.
>Another erupted just as the driver opened its door. The last blew up
>just as the driver and its passengers neared an exit.
CROW: Oops! There goes another Earthling.
> On the freeway, a car burst into flames and careened until stopped by
>several others. This caused a classic jam, piling up several hurrying
>vehicles and stopping hundreds of cars behind. Two stopped cars then
>flamed almost in unison, endangering the surrounding autos and causing
>their passengers to get out and clamber over those nearby.
> Within minutes of the initial explosions the TV and radio blasted forth
>panicked warnings. U"Washington is under attack! Buses and cars are
>being bombed all over the metropolitan area and even on the freeways. Do
>not board buses.
MIKE: Ralph Kramden isn't going to be happy about this.
> Stop your cars and get out, NOW!"
> "Reports are coming in that even public mail boxes are exploding. At
>least one postman collecting from a mail drop on Pennsylvania Avenue has
>been incinerated."
> Every station had similar reports. As the minutes wore on, these
>reports became more hysterical. They reminded Clarence of the anguish of
>the reporter covering the Hindenberg tragedy.
> Within an hour, anchormen told of hundreds, maybe thousands, of lives
>lost,
CROW:[anchormen] Amazingly, most of the fatalities were martians!
> fifteen or more horrific traffic jams, the inability of fire
>engines, police or ambulances to get to the scenes of destruction.
> Government spokesmen editorialized on massive terrorist attacks on the
>nation's heart. "It's obvious that these outrages have been orchestrated
>by Saddam or Quadafi
ALl: QUADAFI??? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
> or bo uth in concert. The carnage is terrible.
>It's estimated by top government intelligence agents we've been able to
>reach, that this assault on our capitol has been perpetrated by dozens of
>highly trained terrorists armed with the most sophisticated destructive
>devices."
TOM: But it really was caused by a nutcase who was let out of the psychiatric
ward.
> Three Egyptian tourists running from a burning car were shot down by an
>off-duty Secret Service man. Middle Easterners were being arrested on
>sight. Clarence remembered the documentaries showing Japanese-Americans
>being rounded up after the bombing of Pearl Harbor.
> A commercial for Jiffy-Pop was interrupted by a screaming anchorman,
CROW: How ironic. OW! I said don't hit me!
>along with an on-the-spot live film, "Hold on. Wait a minute, oh, NO!
>Eight troop-filled helicopters sent to guard the president tried to land
>on the White House lawn. Two have run into each other and as you can see,
>one has landed in the street crushing several cars and, good God! the
>other is in flames and w Oobbling through the roof of the White House!"
TOM: Hmmm.. now, was this during the Reagan years?
> Throughout the evening the reports continued. The body count was up to
>two thousand and rising. Martial Law was imposed and being enforced with
>as much lack of judgment as possible under the circumstances. All armed
>forces were on full alert and jets in the Middle East were being readied
>with smart bombs.
MIKE: As opposed to DUMB bombs?
> The mayor of New York came on TV and pleaded for restraint, as already,
>his Middle Eastern communities were being mobbed by vengeful rioters.
>"The outbreaks of violence against Moslems must be stopped," he warned.
> He had said "Moslems". Clarence heard "Martians". His next SSI check
>would be here in three weeks. He had always wanted to visit the Big
>Apple.
ALL: DOHHHH!! Waah Waah Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh...
> Next adventure, "Clarence and the Gay Martians", here soon.
TOM: Oh BROTHER!
> ******************************************
> ATLAN FORMULARIES
> P.O. Box 95, Alpena, AR 72611
> (501) 437-2999/FAX 437-2973
> CompuServe: 75721,55
> AOL: ATLANFORM
>
CROW: I hope Clarence sends ATLANFORM one.
MIKE: WHEW! Let's get out of here! [Mike picks up Tom and they leave the
theater.]
[@...2...3...4...5...6...{}...]
[SOL]
[Mike and the bots standing behind the desk. The TV is still on the desk.]
CROW: Let's see what's on the TV now.
MIKE: Ok. [Turns the TV on.]
TOM: Oh.. Still Xuxa. OH, wait.. something else is coming on.
[Mike and the bots look closer to the TV.]
ALL: PENN & TELLER???? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
[Mike grabs the TV and throws it.] BOOM!
MIKE: Remind me to never look at that manual again.
CROW: Ok.
MIKE: Tom, you want to give them the address?
TOM: SURE! Fans of Mystery Usenet Theater 3000 who would like to MiST Usenet
posts, send your requests to.. misties...@jg.cso.uiuc.edu with
SUBSCRIBE in the body of the message! Send them in TODAY!
MIKE: Well, whaddya think, Sirs.. and why are you still in your costume,
Dr. Forrester? [Mike taps Mads light.]
[D13]
[Dr. F is wearing the same costume as he was in the beginning. Frank is
wearing a dress.]
DR.F: Well I think it makes me look younger.
FRANK: Do I really have to wear this dress?
DR.F: YES! [The door to Deep 13 opens. It's the rat. He walks towards the
screen.]
RAT:[NY sort of accent] Ya know, this is VERY insulting.
DR.F: Push the button, Lester.
[The rat punches Dr. F, who then falls down unconscious. The rat walks
towards the door. Stops. Glares at Frank and walks out of Deep 13. Frank
walks towards the screen. Shrugs and pushes the button.]
[End Credits]
THE END
directed by Claye Hodge
written by Claye Hodge
music composed and arranged by Claye Hodge
produced by Claye Hodge
edited by Claye Hodge
rat costume supplied by Pinky & the Brain Inc.
Special Thanks
RATM Posters Everywhere
Teachers of America
mis...@jg.cso.uiuc.edu
edited in SHADOWWAMMA!!!
Mystery Science Theater 3000 and related characters and situations are
trademarks of and (c) 1995 by Best Brains Inc. All Rights Reserved.
Use of copyrighted or trademarked material is for entertainment purposes
only. No infringement on original copyrights or trademarks held by Best
Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred.
> The mayor of New York came on TV and pleaded for restraint, as already,
>his Middle Eastern communities were being mobbed by vengeful rioters.
>"The outbreaks of violence against Moslems must be stopped," he warned.
> He had said "Moslems". Clarence heard "Martians". His next SSI check
>would be here in three weeks. He had always wanted to visit the Big
>Apple.
---------------
[One last time... If you like the MiSTings that are being done, and would]
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Claye Hodge
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