MSTed: "Doctor Who and the X-Men" [4/5]
TDion34
[SOL Bridge. Servo's lying on his side, the top of his bubble facing us. Mike
is rummaging around beneath his hoverskirt. Crow's standing off to Mike's left,
next to a tool box. "E-Z Bot Repair" is propped open on the tool box]
Mike: Crow, would you hand me the inkle grommiter?
Crow: Mike, no functional arms, remember?
Mike: [sheepishly] Oh, yeah, right. [He turns to the tool box and pulls out
the grommiter.]
Crow: Mike, what *is* an inkle grommiter?
Mike: [Looking up from his work] I dunno. These repair instructions on the
inside are hard to read. All that back history blew Servo's power cells
and leaked battery acid *everywhere.* It's disgusting. [Mike makes one
final turn with the grommiter and sets Tom upright.] There, that should
do it.
Crow: Mike, don't ever use that phrase when you want something to work.
Mike: Oh, sorry. [Mike makes an adjustment to the control panel on Tom's
chest] Okay, there we go.
[Tom straightens up and his head turns all the way around]
Tom: [Scottish burr] I can do anything I like! After all, I am Phoenix!
[He hops up and down, his head still turning] Ha ha! It is I, Hemingstein,
the Pumpkin King! [He stops abruptly and sinks down so only his bubble
shows over the desktop] Oh my word! The Krull are bound to win for
sure, Marrissa! Quickly, Brigadier! Call MacGyver!
[Mike, who's been watching in silent horror with Crow, leaps into
action. He deactivates Tom and steps back, still shocked]
Crow: The hell was *that*?
Mike: [nervous] Heh. Heh. I think I, ah, may have, um, misconnected a few
wires, heh.
Crow: So whaddya gonna do now, huh?
Mike: [visibly distressed] Uh, uh...I know! [Mike gives Tom a great whack on
the back of the bubble]
Tom: [suddenly blaring into consciousness] Now I'm a highly sophisticated
robot, Mike. And I'm telling you this is *not* a sound you should be
hearing... [realizes he's not where he thought he was] The hell?! What
happened?
Crow: [dryly] Ask Wonderboy over here.
Mike: [nervous again] Well, uh, you see, Tom, what happened was uh, well...
[Sirens and lights go off]
Mike: Never mind, Tom! We've got Movie Sign!
[They all exit running stage right]
[6...5...4...3...2...1...*...]
[Again, they enter the theater]
Tom: Will you just tell me, already?
Mike: It doesn't matter, Tom. Ssh, the fic's starting up again.
> The Doctor looked at Xavier and asked him whether he could talk to him
>for a moment in private. Xavier replied "Well of course you can." and
>promptly asked the X-Men to leave the room.
Tom: Sheesh, this guy would probably jump off a building if you asked
nicely.
Mike: As soon as they all sit down, they're all sent out. Makes sense.
> "Xavier, is Gambit a telepath?"
Crow: That's a rather personal question.
> "No he is not. He never was one." was the Professor's reply.
Tom: But he might be one tomorrow, it all depends on what the writer
feels like.
> "Well he is one now.
Tom: Told ya.
> I can sense that for certain. So my
suspicion is
>correct." commented the Doctor.
Crow: [Doctor] You really can tell it's not butter!
> "He is a telepath, but not
in the way
>you know telepaths. His ability is not mutant in nature."
Crow: It's a result of the Green Gem of Gizmon -
Mike: Copyright, Crow.
Crow: Oh, sorry.
> The X-Men entered the room after the Doctor had finished speaking to
>the Professor.
Tom: [Cyclops] Are we going to be sent out again? I've got an angst session
with Alex at four.
>
>The purple-haired Psylocke was currently facing quite an identity
>crisis, as she was trying to reconcile being an English telepath and
>an Asian martial arts expert at the same time.
Tom: Hmm, that wasn't bad. Short and bitter.
Mike: But was it neccessary?
Tom: Of course not.
> "Roma was a captive of the Adversary." the Doctor explained.
> "Again? Has he escaped from Forge's prison?" she asked.
> Forge, an American Indian
Crow: [coughs] Native American, please.
> known as the Maker, had the unique
mutant
>ability of creating any tool, machinery or weapon, but he also had a
>knowledge of shaman spells. Once he had to use this to banish the
>Adversary and had to use the X-Men's lives as sacrifices for the
>spell. Thanks to Roma afterwards,
Crow: [announcer] Roma Afterwards, for the morning after death.
> the X-Men were given
life anew and
>placed in the Australian outback where they could work undercover for a
>while.
Crow: It's the plot for "dueSouth"!
Tom: It's happening again! [He shakes slightly.]
Mike: [soothing] It's okay, Tom, it'll pass.
> "I'm afraid so. He has help now, in the form of the Mara."
> "The Mara? We have never heard of this Mara before. Who is he?" said
>Rogue.
Mike: Oh, he's that nice repairman from the Jiffy Lube.
> "More precisely, it is a They, not a He.
Tom: Please get your personal pronouns correct!
> But since they
are one, we
>may call them a he or it.
Mike: Actually, they prefer the term "corporeally-challenged anti-
therapist."
> The Mara is evil itself from the dark
places
>of the inner depths of man.
Tom: What about women?
Crow: Roseanne Barr.
Tom: Good call.
> Every Mara carries a snake emblem
on its
>arm. It is the emblem of primeval evil.
Mike: It's got to be hard to spread evil when you're wearing the equivalent
of a sign that says "I'm Evil!"
Crow: Sounds like the Mads.
> The last time I
met the Mara I
>managed to defeat it with the use of
Tom: [scientist guy] A really big pair of pants!
> large mirrors, since
the only
>thing a Mara fears is itself. I banished it's spirit back to its own
>dimension." explained the Doctor.
> "How did it end up here?" asked Bishop.
Mike: He took the turnpike.
> "The place were the Mara was imprisoned was the same place the
>Adversary was cast to by Forge.
Crow: And wasn't that a handy turn of events!
> Now the Mara could not
leave its
>prison. The last time it used Tegan as a bridge to our universe. This
>time it found the Adversary, which could be its bridge to another >universe,
>yours."
Tom: Golden Gate, Brooklyn, or Tower?
> "What??" said LeBeau, better known as Gambit. "Do you believe this
>stuff this man says?"
Crow: [Gambit] As soon as he showed up my accent disappeared!
> "I am speaking the truth." replied the Doctor in a stern voice.
Mike: [Doctor] But I'm dancing with lies.
> "Unlike someone we know, LeBeau." said Bishop ironically.
> "Can anyone of you read my mind to see the truth? I will lower my
>mental barriers to allow you to do this."
> "He is truthful" said Xavier. "I can read his thoughts though they are
>alien to me and can ascertain he is being honest with us."
Tom: Doodley-doodley-doop! Your brain's been scanned!
> "You said he is an alien. Where are you from Doctor?" asked Gambit.
Mike: Oh, he's from Gallifrey; it's in Ireland, donchaknow.
> "So many questions from such an untrusting person. Why, I am a Time
>Lord, from the planet Gallifrey. Possibly it does not even exist in
>your universe." answered the Doctor.
Tom: That would certainly explain how all these mutants can gad about the
timelines so freely.
> Gambit's eyes flashed and flashed again.
Mike: [singing] Flash on, flash off, the flasher!
> "The Doctor
may ruin my
>plans", he thought. "He has not recognised me yet. Yet if he does, I
>will be forced to reveal myself."
Crow: [deep voice] I've got to stop speaking my thoughts out loud.
> "My TARDIS is a time machine, it is capable of travelling through time
>and space. At times I have even travelled to other universes and
>dimensions." the Doctor stated.
Tom: The hell prompted that?!
Mike: I thought the Doctor didn't like to talk about his TARDIS.
> "Quite a strange craft you've got Doctor." said Xavier.
Crow: [British accent] Did you know I've suddenly become British, eh? Eh?
>
"And a small
>one too." said Storm.
Crow: You know what they say, it isn't the size that counts!
> "Small? You haven't looked inside yet, have you?" answered the Doctor.
Mike: Actually, it's kind of hard to when the thing's sitting in an alley on
the other side of town.
>
>Part 7.
Mike: [singing] Hope there ain't eleven.
>
>The Doctor's Diary
Crow: Now airing on Showtime!
Tom: Warning, this show is rated Mature.
>
>I took a deep breath when I arrived at the TARDIS doors.
Mike: And held it. And held it. And held it...
Crow: 'Til I finally passed out and the fanfic ended!
>
I turned
>slowly and looked towards the unbelieving mutants. I unlocked the
>doors, opened them and went inside.
Tom: It's more Ratliff!
All: Aaaaah!!
> "Well, won't you follow me, come in!" I told the X-Men.
Mike: How can he tell them if he's inside?
Crow: Does it really matter?
Mike: Well...no.
>
I had told my
>companions Nyssa, Tegan and Adric to stay at the mansion while I
>showed the X-Men my TARDIS.
Mike: [stern] Bad companions! Go lay down!
> Storm, Cyclops and Xavier were the first to move. "Astonishing!" was
>Xavier's first reaction. Cyclops and Storm were speechless.
Tom: No real change from their normal characters, then.
> Jean Grey and Gambit entered next. "It does seem larger inside,
>actually." commented the telepath.
Crow: [Jean, bored] Oh, hmm. My hair appears to be on fire.
> Rogue, Psylocke and Bishop stepped inside and looked around
>themselves.
Mike: [Bishop] That smell is definitely coming from the hatstand.
>"The room is definitely larger than the exterior. And I can see other
>rooms and corridors. Large corridors. This is not possible." said
>Bishop.
Crow: You're right. You're all standing in an impossibility. That's it,
everyone's dead.
Mike: How can Bishop see through the walls?
> "It is possible." I corrected him.
Tom: [prudish] Grammar, young man, remember your grammar!
> "This is illogical actually." Bishop kept muttering.
Mike: [Bishop, muttering] Lousy, no-good, illogical pooh-heads. I'll make
'em all pay. Just you wait, jerk.
> "You've got a lot to unlearn. They all find it hard to understand,"
>I mumbled under my breath. Well.
Mike: They mumble in this 'fic an awful lot, don't they?
Crow: Must be former postal workers.
> "Hm, what did you say?" enquired a confused Bishop?
Tom: Meli's not sure what he's writing about anymore!
> "Nothing. Nothing important." I replied.
Crow: [Doctor, breezily] Just planning how to kill you, that's all.
> "Let me show you around the TARDIS" I said then.
Crow: That'll take eight or nine years.
> "All right. This ship of yours is extremely interesting." replied the
>Professor.
Mike: [Professor] I could've have done it with coconuts, you know. What do
you think of that?
> I took the X-Men to a number of different rooms, until I reached a
>circular room which had a reflective surface.
Tom: He doesn't even know his own TARDIS, how's he supposed to be able
to fly the thing?
Crow: He can't, at least, he isn't supposed to be able to. Meli's forgotten,
that's all.
Tom: You mean you *hope* that's all.
>
Suddenly to everyone's
>astonishment, there was a strange reaction.
Mike: Must a cut scene from "Chain Reaction."
> "No... Get that mirror away...." Gambit shouted!
Crow: Meli's really getting into this story, accentuating statements and
what not.
Tom: [Gambit] I've got acne!
> "What's going on?" asked Rogue. Gambit's eyes glowed a fiery red.
Mike: He drank the Acme Tabasco Sauce!
Crow: Watch out for the flames shooting from his ears!
> "I.... must.... not.... be...discovered..." muttered Gambit.
Tom: [Gambit] I must..be like...Shatner...
> Xavier attempted to use his telepathic abilities to read Gambit's
>mind.
Mike: So much for Xavier's morals.
> To his astonishment his mind was different, almost alien,
>indecipherable.
Tom: He must be scanning Pauly Shore's mind.
> "So it is you!" I told Gambit.
Crow: [Doctor] You ate the last Pop Tart!
> "You are the traitorous one as I suspected all along" screamed a
>viciously angry Bishop. Bishop pointed his large weapon at Gambit.
All: [snickering]
> "You are the Mara!" I claimed pointing to Gambit. "No, Bishop, do not
>shoot him. You will kill both of them!"
Tom: And why, pray tell, is this a bad thing?
> I then said "Look at his arm, it has the sign of the Mara, the
>snake!".
Crow: Watch out! All of Hell's Angels are Mara, too!
> The snake was released from his arm, because of the circular
>reflection, and it started hissing.
Mike: If only rashes came off that easily.
> "That is the form of the
Mara in
>this world" I explained calmly.
Tom: [Doctor] We're going to die now, so we may as well be calm about the
whole thing now.
> It lashed its fangs out at me "....you have not defeated me
>Doctor...we shall meet again later..."
Mike: [Mara] Yes...we shall meet again...somewhere...someday...in some way
or fashion...Oh, cripes. Look, I'm going to start again.
> it said while it kept
growing
>in size, similar to what had happened on Deva Loka.
--
Tyler Dion E-mail: TDi...@aol.com
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"So eight 5 and 1/4 inch floppy disks hold the key to time travel?"
- Tom Servo, Mystery Science Theater 3000: 821 Time Chasers