MSTed--"Aliens Meets TNG"
Tom Salyers
All right...this is my first attempt, so please be kind.......=)
Mike: Hello, everybody, and welcome to the Satellite of Love, where my two
robot friends are having their monthly debate over which cartoon
character is sexier---Velma of _Scooby Doo_ or Gadget of _Rescue
Rangers_.
Tom: You've never been more wrong, Crow. Velma has that sweet innocence
that translates into an irresistable allure. She typifies the very
essence of "sexy".
Crow: Fembot! Gadget is a two-legged engine of furry lust just waiting for
the right 'bot, which I am. I tell you, she's just leading Chip and
Dale on!!!
Tom: "Engine of furry lust?" Crow, you are so high! What do you think,
Mike?
[Mads light starts flashing]
Mike: I think you both need to get out more. Hey, settle down, you
two---Aqualung and Cross-Eyed Mary are calling!
Dr. F: Greetings, Microbe. Personally, I favor Elmyra. But enough of this
frivolity--make with the invention exchange, Amaryllis!
Mike: Okay. Our invention exchange is the Juliana Hatfield Auto-Shutoff
Switch.
Crow: It shuts off Juliana Hatfield? Oh, joy!!
Mike: No. Just listen. This handy little device plugs right into your stereo
tuner and, at the first whiny strains of "My Sister" or the like,
generates an immediate shutoff signal to the stereo. Never again will
you have to hear insipid rhymes and ear-splitting voices.
Tom: You're forgetting Whitney Houston, Mike.
Mike: Well, that's for version 2.0. Over to you, Herr Doctor.
Dr. F: Well, Mike, our invention exchange is inspired in part by today's
fanfic. Gone are the days when you had to fumble for your keys while
carrying a double armload of packages. Here's Frank to explain more.
[Frank is standing next to a front-door mockup carrying two grocery bags]
Frank: Thanks, Steve. Yes, now you just....ergh.....eck...
[he convulses, then makes the "Frank noise"]
Frank: Aaah! Why, dear God, why?
[suddenly his chest bursts open, revealing a "baby" alien, which proceeds
to open the door for him---Mike and the bots stare in disbelief]
Mike: That's....evil.
Dr. F: Say what you will, Mike....the infomercial is coming out soon. Your
fanfic this time around is "Aliens Meets TNG", a not-at-all
interesting fusion of two universes doing perfectly all right by
themselves. Ahead warp factor "die", Frank...
[fanfic sign--Mike and company run around screaming "fanfic sign!"]
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
> Aliens Meets TNG
Tom: And they both meet Abbot and Costello.
Crow: I feel queasy, Mike......
>
> "Sir, there is a small ship of unknown origin on our scanners," Data
>said.
> "On screen," Picard said as he stood up. The viewscreen changed from
>it's familiar star field to an old, beat-up escape pod. "Any life signs?"
Tom: In this fanfic? Nope.
> Data scanned his controls. "Yes sir. I cannot clearly identify
>exactly how many, though."
> "Very well. Number One, assemble an away team," Picard said.
> "Aye sir. Data, Troi." Riker motined them to follow him. The three
>officers entered the turbolift.
> The hazy image of four officers slowly appeared on the unknown ship.
Mike: Not the actual officers---just the images. The crew were taking
no chances.
>Each officer quickly opened their tricorders and began scanning the area.
Tom: And just as quickly disregarded grammar.
>"The life signs are coming from over here," Dr. Crusher said as she
>entered another room. Data, Troi and Riker followed her.
> The room contained four life pods. "These resemble cryogenic chambers,"
>Data stated.
Crow: But are actually Barcaloungers.
> "Oh no, not more of them," Dr. Crusher said, remembering the last group
>they had saved. Troi looked at Beverly and smiled.
Tom: Saaaayy....
Mike: Stop that right now, mister.
> "Let's get them back to sickbay," Riker said. He tapped his
>communicator. "Four to beam back. And Chief, lock onto these cryo tubes
>and beam them to sickbay."
> "Aye sir," the familiar voice of Chief O'Brien said. The away team
>slowly began to fade away, along with the cryo tubes.
Crow: Along with any hopes we might have had of being interested.
> Once on board the Enterprise, the away team went directly to
>sickbay to examine the cryo tubes. Dr. Crusher walked over to the
>pods and examined each person with her tricorder. The first person, a
>man, seemed to have severe acid burns to the upper body.
Mike: But actually only had very dry skin.
>A nurse handed
>Beverly a small unit that resembled a syringe. Beverly magically moved
Crow: [Bullwinkle voice] Hey Rocky--watch me pull a spleen out of my hat!
>it over the man's burns. Within a matter of seconds, the burns had
>disappeared. The next tube contained a woman in her thirties. The third
>tube held a young girl around ten years old.
Tom: The burned man was too hot. The woman was too cold. But the
young girl was *just* right!
> The fourth and final tube was perhaps the most fascinating.
Crow: But still dumb.
>"Data, take a look at this," Dr. Crusher said as she stared at the upper body
>of a man who had apparently been ripped in half. His lower half was no
>where in sight.
> Data examined the torso carefully. "It is obviously an android. This
>series, I believe was discontinued in the 23rd century."
Mike: Your series, I believe, was discontinued in the twentieth.
> Captain Picard entered the room. "I heard you found more cryogenic
>tubes." Under his breath, Picard mumbled, "I hope this group is a lot
>more ruley than the last group."
> "What was that sir?" Riker asked Picard, a twinkle in his eyes.
Crow: ...a song in his heart, rings on his fingers, bells on his toes, a
lump in his throat, a bulge in his--
Mike: Crow!
>Picard ignored Riker as he looked in each tube. When he came upon the fourth
>tube, he stopped to examine it. "What is this?"
Tom: "Stopped to examine it"? What had he been doing with the other three
while looking in them?
Mike: Hush. That way lies madness.
> "It appears to be an android," Data said again.
> "I can see that. Is there anyway to see if he's still active?" Picard
>asked. Data examined the upper body again.
Mike: [Data voice] Well, you are getting on a bit, sir....
Tom: [Picard voice] Not *my* upper body!
> "I think so, sir." Data connected some wires to the upper body.
>After a few minutes, the torso slowly began to respond. After another
>minute or so, the torso was completely alert.
Mike: The head, however, remained unconscious.
> "I am Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the Starship Enterprise. We came
>across your ship floating lifelessly in space.
Tom: While acting lifelessly in space.
>We examined it closer and found these cryogenic pods.
>Do you mind telling me your name."
> The torso pushed itself up a little in his tube with his hands.
>"My name is Bishop. I'm from the planet Earth." Riker looked at Troi.
>Troi shrugged.
Mike: As she so often did.
> "Who are these other three people?" asked Dr. Crusher.
> "Corp. Hicks, Ripley and the little girl is Newt. Tell me, are they
>alright?"
> "Corp. Hicks seemed to have some severe burns, but I've already taken
>care of them. The other two seem to be fine. They're still resting,"
>Dr. Crusher said in her soft, caring voice.
Crow: And in her sheer, silky, revealing--
Mike: Crow!
> "Can you wake them," Bishop asked. Dr. Crusher looked at each of the
>officers.
> After affirming nods, Dr. Crusher shrugged. "I don't see why not."
Mike: And *I* don't see why she looked to everyone else for a medical
judgment.
Tom: Oh, now who's treading down the path of madness?
>She walked over to Newt's tube and pressed the appropriate buttons.
> "Ripley!" A little voice shouted. The little girl sat bolt upright.
>She quickly looked around the room before jumping out of her cryo tube
>and onto the floor.
Tom: Where her body shattered from the extreme cold of cryogenic sleep.
Crow: *Wow*, that's dark.
>She climbed underneath a medical bed, clutching her doll head.
> "What was that?" Asked Riker.
Mike: A doll head. Don't you pay attention?
> "Newt?" Turning to Dr. Crusher, Bishop said, "If you had asked,
>I would have suggested you awaken her last." He turned back to where
>Newt's yell had emanated from.
Mike: Her mouth?
> "Where are you?"
> "Bishop? Where are we?" Called a tiny voice from under the bed.
> "It's alright. You can come out," Bishop calmly said. A small head
>peered out from under the bed. A moment later, Newt crawled out and
>walked over to Bishop. She looked at him and held his hand.
Tom: Which she had found under the bed.
>The bed was a little high for her to see inside, so she had to stand on her
>toes.
> "Where's Ripley? And who are these people?" Newt whispered to Bishop
>in that soft child voice of hers.
Mike: "That soft child voice of hers?" We're getting into a whole weird
area here....
> "She's right next to you. Hicks is there too," Bishop said.
Crow: And Auntie Em, and...
> Newt pulled herself as close to Bishop's ear as she could.
Mike: Which wasn't very close, considering it was on the ceiling.
>"Are there any of them on board?" she asked. If Bishop weren't an android,
>he would have had to strain to hear her.
> "I don't think so," he said.
>Troi pulled Riker aside. "What is it," he asked.
Crow: [Troi voice] Spanking time!!
> "I sense grave fear from the little girl. She seems to have calmed
>down a little since talking to Bishop, however she is still frightened,"
>Deanna said.
> "I'm sure she is. She is on an unknown starship. If I were her, I'd
>probably be scared to."
Tom: Scared to what?
>Riker smiled at Troi. "Don't worry. I'm sure it's nothing."
Mike: Just leave it, Crow.
> "I don't know..." Deanna said. She walked over to Newt and kneeled
>beside her. "You look like you could use a bath." Newt hugged her doll
>tighter. She carefully looked at Troi. "I promise I won't hurt you."
Tom: Wait--Newt won't hurt Troi, or Troi won't hurt Newt, or the doll head
won't hurt either of them, or....my dome hurts.
> "I want to wait for Ripley," Newt said. Troi looked up at Beverly.
> "I'll wake her up along with the Corporeal."
Mike: "Corporeal?" Ouch.
Crow: Seems like corporeal punishment to me.
>Beverly woke the sleeping Ripley. In a matter of seconds, she was fully
>alert.
Tom: And screaming to get out of this fanfic.
>She sat up in bed, a serious look on her face. She looked around
>the room, carefully taking in her surroundings. She caught site of Newt
>standing beside Bishop's bed. A broad smile spread across their faces.
>Ripley hopped out of her bed and hugged Newt.
> "Something weird's going on," Newt softly whispered into Ripley's ear.
> "Like what?" Ripley asked.
Tom: Like a bad fanfic, only worse.
> "I don't know." Ripley stood up and looked at the crew. Beverly then
>woke Hicks. He slowly sat up, rubbing his head, moaning.
> "Do I feel hung-over. What did I drink last night?"
> Ripley smiled. "Acid."
Mike: You were tripping for hours. You thought you were the Archduke of
Austria, remember?
> "Oh yeah." Hicks slowly got out of his pod. Stiffly, he walked over
>to Ripley and Newt. Kneeling beside Newt, he hugged her. "And how are
>you beautiful?" Newt smiled.
Crow: Beautiful? Nah. Cloying? Yep.
> "A-okay," she said. Hicks stood up and looked at Ripley.
> "And how 'bout you? You alright?"
> "I'm fine but you look like hell," Ripley said.
Crow: Ripley is no diplomat, as you can see....
> "Yeah, well I feel worse," Hicks said as he leaned up against one of
>the cryo tubes.
> "I'm afraid you're going to be a little stiff for a few days,"
>Dr. Crusher said.
Tom: Yes, but you'll be stiff for the rest of your acting career, lady.
> "That's alright. I've felt worse," Hicks said as he worked out a crick
>in his neck. He turned and looked at Bishop. "Bishop, you actually look
>worse than I do. How do you feel man?"
> "I don't feel much of anything," Bishop said. Ripley turned to Picard.
> "Where are we?"
> "You're on a Federation starship, the Enterprise," Picard said.
> "How far away are we from Alpha Prime?" Ripley asked.
> "Alpha Prime? I'm not familiar with that planet." Picard turned his
>attention to the computer. "Computer, locate Alpha Prime," he said in his
>stern command voice.
Crow: Not his "bow" command voice, but his "stern" command voice. Pay
attention---there'll be a quiz later.
> The delicate computer voice replied, "There is no such planet as Alpha
>Prime. That name was last used in the 22nd century for a planet ten light
>years from here. That planet has since been destroyed."
Mike: To make way for a hyperspace bypass.
> "22nd century? What century is it now?" Ripley asked with anxiety in
>her voice.
> Hesitantly, Picard began to answer. "I'm afraid we're in the 24th
>century." A horrified look entered Ripley's eyes. A shiver went up
>Troi's spine. She gasped softly.
Crow: She licked her lips longingly--
Mike: One more of those and I'm going to make you run spreadsheets for
a month.
>Ripley turned away from everyone and looked off distantly.
>"I know this must come as a shock to you, but-" Picard was interrupted.
> "I had a daughter. The first time I left I lost 20 years of her life.
>And now..." Ripley's voice trailed off.
Tom: ..."I don't have to put her through college. Huzzah!"
> "The first time you left? I'm afraid I don't understand. This has
>happened to you before?" Picard asked. Ripley turned around to face him.
>Her eyes were bloodshot.
> "It's a long story," Ripley said.
> "Why don't we let you get settled into your quarters before you explain
>everything to us?" Picard suggested. "Number One, why don't you show our
>guests to their rooms?"
> "Certainly sir," Riker said. "How many rooms will you be needing?"
>Hicks looked at Ripley and smiled.
All: Bowmp chicka bowmp bowmp......
> "Oh no, we're not...I mean the two of us..."
> "Two would be fine," Ripley said. Hicks put his hands in his pockets.
> "Why don't you
Tom: Bite me?
> follow me," Riker said.
> "What about Bishop?" Newt asked.
> "I'll be alright, sweetheart," he said.
> "I'll see what I can do to aid in his repair," Data said. Riker walked
>out of Sickbay followed by Hicks, Ripley and Newt.
Mike: In the wackiest conga line in Starfleet!
>
> ***
>
> Ripley was sitting in the living room, staring out at the stars when a
>freshly washed Newt walked in.
Mike: Accompanied by a sanitized gecko and a power-scrubbed salamander.
>She walked over to Ripley and put her arm around her shoulder.
>"You miss your daughter, don't you."
>Ripley continued to look out the window.
>"I miss my brother."
>Ripley turned and hugged Newt.
>The door chime sounded.
> "Come in," Ripley said. The door slid open, revealing Hicks. He walked
>over and looked out the window.
> "Man, I never thought I'd be able to see them again."
Tom: What...windows? Boy, is he easily amused.
>Starring at the stars
Mike: Is redundant.
>he turned and looked at Newt. "Wow, look at that. There's a little
>girl under all that mud and grime."
Tom: Mud and grime? But...but...it just said she was freshly washed...
[starts crying]
>Newt smiled. "How are you holding up?" Hicks asked, looking at Ripley.
> "She misses her daughter," Newt whispered. Hicks nodded.
> "I heard what happened to you after the first trip. I know it must be
>rough on you, but..."
> "Just drop it. I'll be fine," Ripley said. The door chime sounded
>again.
> "Who is it?" Newt asked.
> "Commander Riker."
> Hicks smiled at Newt's innocence.
Crow: A dark, perverted, corrupting smile.
>"Come in," he said. The door slid open and Riker walked in the room.
Mike: Or the door walked open and Riker slid into the room, depending on
your opinion of him.
> "If you're up to it, the Captain would like to meet with all of you.
>He's very interested in finding out what happened to you," Riker said.
>Hicks looked at Ripley.
> "It's happening all over again," Ripley said.
> "It'll be okay this time," Hicks said as he placed a hand on Ripley's
>shoulder. "C'mon, the Captain's waiting." Ripley slowly stood up and
>gazed out the viewport for another minute or so before she turned to leave
>the room.
>
Tom: Hey, Mike--what are those stars for?
Mike: Scene transition markers, I guess. Or maybe warning signs to people
who might otherwise read this unprotected.
> ***
>
> Picard sat in his chair at the head of the long oval table in his
>ready room. Troi, Geordi, Worf, Beverly and Data sat in their usual seats.
>"Counsellor, have you been able to sense anything in the three travellers?"
>asked Picard.
> Troi turned in her large chair to face the captain.
Crow: Large chair to accomodate her large--[Mike looks at him]--um, ahem.
>She placed her folded hands on the table before her. "From the child,
>I sense grave fear. From all of them, actually, but Newt's is the strongest.
>Ripley feels lost, almost destroyed.
Mike: Yes, well, missing out on "Ghostbusters II" would do that to anyone.
>And Hicks seems to feel sorrow mixed with anger."
Tom: With a whimsy chaser.
> The door slid open. Riker walked in and stood by his usual chair.
>He motioned for the others to find a seat. Ripley sat down next to Geordi
>followed by Newt and Hicks.
Crow: All of them next to Geordi? Wow, those seats are roomy.
> "I trust all of you are well rested," Picard said.
> After an awkward moment of silence, Hicks decided to answer. "Yes sir."
> "Could one of you tell me just what exactly happened to you?" Picard
>asked.
Tom: We got appropriated for a fanfic.
> "We managed to runaway with our tails between our legs," Ripley said,
>looking at no one in particular.
> "What she means is we discovered some kind of fucked up alien,
Mike: Balki from _Perfect Strangers_, in other words.
>if you'll pardon my language sir," Hicks added as he looked around the room
>at each officer. Picard shifted in his chair.
> "Can you describe it in a little more detail," Picard asked.
> "They're big and scary and they have acid for blood and they don't
>like people very much," Newt said as she shuddered in her seat.
Crow: Republicans?
> "Acid for blood? I find that difficult to imagine," Riker said.
Tom: Well, that's not so surprising coming from Riker.
> Ripley slammed her fist on the table and stood up, turning away from
>the table. "Damnit, don't you see?"
Mike: Ooh, I hope Geordi doesn't resent that.
> "What? Calm down Ripley. We're not going back there. The planet
>doesn't exist anymore, remember?" Hicks said. He sighed and shrugged his
>shoulders. "It's over, give it up."
> "I will not give it up," Ripley said as she turned around to face
>Hicks. "This is how it all started the last time. I told everyone about
>the aliens. No one believed me. Next thing I know, I'm on that god
>forsaken planet again. How many were there in the beginning? Huh
>Hicks?" Ripley leaned over Hick's shoulder.
> "I don't know."
> "How many?"
> I don't...ten, maybe fifteen," Hicks finally said.
Crow: And maybe sixty, or three hundred. Objection! Counsel is badgering the
witness!
> "And how many of us made it out alive?" Hicks didn't answer. Ripley
>straightened up and walked over to the viewport. "I'll make a formal
>report and that's it. No more."
> The room was silent for a few awkward moments. "I'd very much like
>to see that report when it's ready," Picard said. Ripley slowly turned
>to face the captain.
Mike: Slowly she turned, step by step, inch by inch....
>
> ***
>
> Picard was in his office, sitting behind his desk. In one hand, he
>had a hot cup of Earl Gray.
Tom: Earl Graywater.
>In the other, Ripley's report. The door chime sounded. Without looking up
>or emptying his hands, Picard said,"Come."
[Crow opens his mouth]
Mike: [looking at Crow] Don't. Just don't.
> The door slid open and Beverly walked in. "Gee, I wander what you're
>reading," she said with a sly grin.
Tom: "Naughty Nurse Comics", why?
> Picard put the computer pad down and finally looked up. "Beverly,
>please, have a seat." He motioned with his hand.
> "Thank you," she said as she sat down in front of his desk.
> "Have you read Ripley's report?" Picard asked.
> "Yes I have. I find it most extraordinary."
> "Yes, so do I. What interests me the most is what she discovered
>on her first visit to the planet. She explains she discovered another
>spaceship that crashed. When examined closer, it was obvious that the
>aliens had been there," Picard said. He took a sip of his tea, then
>leaned back in his chair. "I wander..
Mike: Who wrote the book of love?
>do you think the aliens came to the planet on that ship, or do you think
>they attacked it once it had already landed?" Picard placed a finger on his
>chin.
Crow: And up the chimney he went!!
> "I don't know. Ripley seems to think they arrived on the planet
>through the ship," Beverly said as she crossed her legs.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Tom: And small wonder, with Picard *and* Riker around.
> "Do you think it's possible there is an entire planet full of these,"
>Picard spread out his hands before him and shrugged his shoulders, "acid
>bleeding creatures?"
Tom: Oh, sure. Just go to any Grateful Dead concert.
> "I suppose it is possible. It's odd, however, that there are no other
>incidents such as this one."
> "Yes, it is odd," Picard said.
----------------------------------------------------------------
Crow: It's odd that there are no other fanfics like this one!! What
happened, Mike? Where's the action?
Tom: Yeah, where's the pulse-pounding suspense and gut-wrenching horror
we've come to expect from the whole Aliens subgenre, huh?
Mike: I don't know, guys. Look, I just work here, okay?
Crow: You work...I'm bitter.
[Mads light flashes]
Dr. F: Hope you enjoyed your little taste of boredom, boobie. Until next
time--push the button, Frank.
Frank: Argh.....eck...arrrgh!
[chest burster leaps out of Frank's chest and pushes the button]
*DISCLAIMER: All the above characters are the property of whoever owns
them, and this MSTing is in no way a personal attack on the author. It's
all in fun (until somebody dies =) ).
--
Tom Salyers "Now is the Windows of our disk contents
IRCnick: Aqualung made glorious SimEarth by this Sun of Zork."
Denver, CO ---Richard v3.0
Ned Raggett
>Mike: Okay. Our invention exchange is the Juliana Hatfield Auto-Shutoff
> Switch.
>
>Crow: It shuts off Juliana Hatfield? Oh, joy!!
>
>Mike: No. Just listen. This handy little device plugs right into your stereo
> tuner and, at the first whiny strains of "My Sister" or the like,
> generates an immediate shutoff signal to the stereo. Never again will
> you have to hear insipid rhymes and ear-splitting voices.
>
>Tom: You're forgetting Whitney Houston, Mike.
>
>Mike: Well, that's for version 2.0. Over to you, Herr Doctor.
I want one. And I'd customize it for Michael Bolton, Rage Against etc.,
mainstream country, Blind Melon, Stone Temple
Yahoos, 4 Non-Talented Non-Blondes, classic rock stations, a good hunk of
the K Records roster, the Black Crowes, and a good number of other
things that I've vented my utter contempt against over time. Such a device
would probably render KROQ rather devoid of a playlist, which is just
fine by me. A fine invention, if you ask me!