MSTed: "Doctor Who and the X-Men" [1/5]

[TDion34]

MSTed: "Doctor Who and the X-Men"
MSTing by Tyler Dion (TDi...@aol.com)
Source text by Clyde Meli (cm...@jaguar.is.unimt.mt)
This is my first MSTing, so any advice or critiques would be welcome.
Thanks go to Clyde for being a good sport, and Best Brains for
thinking up such a great show.

But first, a good cast deserves an introduction:
Mike Nelson - host of the show, he was a hapless temp shot into space.
Crow T. Robot - companion of Mike, he's hopelessly in love with Kim Cattrall.
Tom Servo - the intellectual, he enjoys graphic novels and a good Swiss mint.
Doctor Clayton Forrester - the mad scientist who's evil experiment of shooting
a man into space and forcing him to watch/read bad movies/Internet posts this
is.
TV's Frank - once a Junior Steak Boy at Arby's, Frank is the unappreciated
assistant of Doctor Forrester.
* * * * *
[Season 6 opening (Yes, Season 6)]
[1...2...3...4...5...6...*...]

[SOL. Tom, a gumball machine on a Tupperware hoverskirt, and Crow, a gold
spidery thingy with a lacrosse wicket for a head, are behind the desk. Mike,
the average Joe, is missing.]
Crow: Listen up, Servo! "Brady Girls Get Married" was *the* definitive
Brady movie!
Tom: You've got it all wrong, Crow. "A Very Brady Sequel" was the best, it
was the movie that confirmed what everyone knew, that Jan and Greg
were lovers. Sheesh!
Crow: I suppose you're going to say next that "A Brady Christmas" is the
definitive Christmas movie?
[In the background, Joel walks by from the left.]
Joel: Hey, guys.
'Bots: Hey, Joel.
[Joel exits to the right. A few moments later, Mike walks ir mind,
we've got commercial sign. [He taps the button.]

[Commercials: Lactaid, Metamucil, Rogaine, Tylenol, Richard Simmons]

[SOL.]
Mike: Look, just tell me, who *was* that?
'Bots: Who *was* who?
[Mads light flashes]
Mike: Oh, just, oh, never mind. Benton and Yates are calling.

[Deep 13. The whole place is covered in circuit boards and magnetic computer
tape. Doctor Forrester is up to his knees in motherboards. He's vigorously
poking one particularly large mound with a broom handle. The mound is
groaning.]
Dr F: [Looks up and sees the SOL crew on the monitor] Ah, Rimmer, Cat, and
Kryten, how good of you to answer. I'm just doing a little, ah, cleaning.
Frank was helping, I wonder where he is now...
[The mound Dr F was poking shifts and moans.]
Frank: [voice only, muffled] Doctor? Doctor, can I get up now? It hurts and
I lost my Beanie Baby...
Dr F: No, not yet. [Gives the mound another jab] Just a little longer, then
maybe I'll let you play in the atomic pile. [Jabs Frank - oh, er, the
*mound*, again].
Frank: [weakly] Yay! [groans] Ohhhh...
Dr. F: Well, as I was saying, I'm doing a little clean out. You know, throw
away all that useless stuff I don't need anymore. For example, see
that pile over there? [He points to a heap of circuit boards in the back]
That was the guidance computer we used to get the Satellite into
space. [Grins evilly] And, of course, we don't need it anymore, so I'm
chucking it!

[SOL]
Crow: Hey! You said you would let us get down some day!
Tom: How're you gonna do that without a guidance computer?
Mike: Yeah! Now I've got nothing to live for! [Mike pulls a noose from under
the desk and begins to hang it from the ceiling]

[Deep 13]
Dr F: [startled] Aaah! No, the experiment! Wait, Mike, wait! I was only
joking, you know, a joke. Heh...heh. No, it was only a joke. That wasn't
the guidance computer. Nooooo, no, no, that was the, ah, squaredance
computer, yeah! You must had misheard me. Heh.

[SOL. Mike looks down from the chair he's climbed up on to reach the noose]
Mike: [suspicious] Really? We can still get down?

[Deep 13. Dr. F's visibly sweating.]
Dr F: Of course, of course. [Chuckles weakly] Do you think I, of all people,
would trap an innocent man on a rackety old satellite millions of miles
from home with no way off? How evil do you think I am?
Frank: [weak] But, Steve, earlier you said that was the guidance computer,
and that before he ever got down he would have to go to He -
Dr F: [kicks Frank] *Shut up,* Frank.
Frank: [quiet] I'll be good.
Dr F: Well, now that's out of the way, Mike, let's go straight to the
experiment, shall we? Today's troglodytic treat is entitled "Doctor Who
and the X-Men." Let me give a hint as to the horrors ahead: the author, a
Clyde Meli, has his own version of just who the X-Traitor is. [Smirks
evilly] Bon appe-vomit!

[SOL]
[Hullabulloo muchly.]
All: We've got Movie Sign!!!!!!!!

[6...5...4...3...2...1...*...]
[Mike and Co. enter the theatre]

> Doctor Who and the X-Men by Clyde Meli

Mike: Gee, look at that, no headers or nothing. The Mads must editing the
'fics now.
Tom: Nah, that just means someone actually archived this.
All: [collective shudder]

>
>Part 1.

Crow: Oh come on! How are we supposed to mock this?
Mike: How about 'Look out! Part 1's got a gun!'?
Crow: Nah, it just doesn't do it for me.

>
> The Doctor was worried.
> Extremely worried.

Tom: He hadn't been worried for a good five minutes. He found that
worrying.
Mike: Huh, a Doctor that's worried. I guess we all know who that is.
Crow: Who?
Mike: Peter Davison's version. 'Cause he was the most sensitive -
'Bots: Fanboy! Fanboy!
Mike: No! It's just that, well, ah... [sighs] forget it.

> He was looking for the X-Men and he had found them. The TARDIS
>materialised in the centre of the X-Men Mansion Grounds, resulting
>in a number of security systems being triggered.

Tom: [announcer's voice] Here at the luxurious X-Men Mansion Grounds you
will find all your favorite sports: tennis, golf, and, of course, being
attacked!

> "Doctor, we're being attacked!" screamed Tegan.

Crow: [Tegan] There are all these icky potato things crawling around! Help!
Mike: You're never going to forget "Frontios" are you, Crow?
Crow: Nope.

>Beam pulses were being fired at the TARDIS,

Crow: Or fire was being beam pulsed at the TARDIS.

> the
Doctor had barely the
>time to dematerialise the TARDIS again. It disappeared into nothing,
>making some of the on-looking mutants wonder what it really was.

Tom: So, this is a remake of 'Mawdryn Undead'?

> "No need to panic, calm down Tegan"

Mike: [monotone] I'm perfectly all right, I'm just speaking in a monotone.

> The Doctor had
miscalculated the
>materialisation point resulting in the TARDIS materialising inside
>not outside the Mansion Grounds.

Crow: I never realized just how important commas were to a sentence.
Mike: Yeah it's like talking continuously in a straight line without pausing
for breath I think that's really annoying. [Mike begins to gasp for
breath.]

>
>A small distance away from where the TARDIS was, Rogue had been
>playing baseball with some of the other X-Men.

Tom: Why is it every story seems to involve the X-Men engaging in
wholesome activities when in the last issue they totalled at least one
large mall?
Mike: I think it's the only way the writers know how to begin a story.

>
"What was that?
>Ah think we'd better go inside and see if Cerebro can give us
>a clear identification."

Crow: Yeah, better make sure that disappearing police box was really a
police box.

>
>The Doctor punched some keys on the central Console, and plotted a
>path towards a street not too far from the Mansion.

Mike: [Picard] Mr. Who, engage.
Tom: What happened to the fact the Doctor couldn't steer the thing?
Crow: Oh, it's in the closet right next to the HADS and his "Brain of
Morbius" lives.

> His mind went back to some days ago when he had materialised back on
>Earth, with the difference that this Earth was in a nearby dimension.

Crow: [sarcastic] Gee, an alternate Earth. What an original idea.

>
>Part 2.

All: Electric boogaloo!
Tom: Ah, the old ones never die, do they?
Crow: It's an oldie, but a goodie, Servo.

>
>A few days ago, The Doctor, Tegan, Nyssa and Adric were travelling in
>the TARDIS when suddenly something shook the TARDIS. The floor and the
>walls of the rooms of the TARDIS were vibrating. Not just a bit.

Crow: Nyssa must still be using that vibrator she built.
Mike: Crow!
Crow: It's true, Mike! Didn't you ever watch "The Visitation"? What did you
think I was talking about?

>
>Tegan had just had one of her recurring nightmares.

Tom: It was the one with the vat of chocolate sauce and the Australian
sci-fi writer.

>
She could not
>understand why she kept

Mike: Eating and eating. Her trips to the buffet began to last up an hour
apiece.

> having these since she was now free of
>the Mara, according to the Doctor. On the Kinda's world, Deva Loka,
>she had been possessed by the Mara for its evil purposes. But the
>Doctor had found a way to banish the Mara back to where it came
>from, using a circle of mirrors.

Mike: But what do nightmares have to do with possession?

> "Doctor what's happening" Adric couldn't stand and fell down.

Tom: Oh-ho! Looks like Adric's been having a little nip from the bottle!
Crow: This fic's just a jumble of unassociated paragraphs!

>
A light
>blinked. Adric looked at the light. It was labelled 'Chaos Danger
>Level'.

Crow: Talk about covering every contingency!

> "Adric we must be in some kind of extra-dimensional vortex, but with
>a difference. Allow me to explain." replied the Doctor.

Mike: [Doctor] Allow me to explain the premise of this extrordinarily bad
fanfic while we're all in mortal peril.

>"Normally the TARDIS travels in the vortex of this universe. However
>with some dimensional shift we seem to be in an impossible state.

Tom: Your state, should you choose to be in it... [hums 'Mission: Impossible'
theme.]

>Here and not here. Materialised and Not materialised. Stabilised
>and Not stabilised. Phased and Not phased."

Mike: Interesting and boring.
Tom: Holmes and Moriarty.
Crow: Diaz and MacPherson.

> "How can that be" Nyssa asked. "Isn't that against the laws of logic?"

Tom: The laws of physics cannot apply inside a twisted being's mind. For
example, take the mind of this writer.

>"Against the conventional ones certainly. But it depends which logic
>you apply." counselled the Doctor.

Crow: [Troi falsetto] Captain, I'm detecting a high order of blandness.

> "We'd better take a look
outside
>using the viewscreen. We must be in a different dimension from ours.

Tom: Isn't that always the way? The ship shakes, and *boom!*, you're in a
new dimension!

>Quickly, Nyssa, press the

Mike: Right button twice and gently tap A and B together. That should get
you across the Pit of Daveron.

> VORTEX OVERRIDE button which should
>stabilise us, and release us from this chaotic position."
> "Wait!" said Tegan. "What's this? I've never seen anything like it."

Mike: [Doctor] Well, Tegan, it's a button that the writer placed on the
console so he could us lead us into an extraordinarily bad story.

>"Neither have I, at least in this way.

Tom: [Doctor] The hell?! Wait a minute, this isn't even my console!

> Nyssa don't press
anything,
>let's see what happens." said the Doctor.

Crow: Yeah, let's just turn off the lights, sit real still, and hope the thing
shaking the TARDIS will go away.

> A grim figure
was visible
>outside.

Tom: Sandman?

> A large figure.

Mike: Santa?

> The figure was involved in some kind of
>ritual, magical perhaps.

Crow: It's Really Dull Old Guy!
Mike: Who?
Tom: Other guy movie.
Mike: Oh.

> The figure was mostly black, seemingly
human >but
>in a mockery of human form.

Crow: Must be a Picasso sketch.

> Next to the figure was a smaller
one, very
>much humanoid in aspect, a woman who was encased in an energy cube.

Mike: [deep announcer voice] Can you rescue Princess Zelda from the evil
Xantar? Coming soon: Final Phantasy Ultima Force XII!

>At a
>close distance was another humanoid figure, this time one which had a >large
>snake design visible on his arm.

Tom: So much for the idea of an infinite universe being populated by an
infinitely varied population.

>
>The occupants of the TARDIS could listen to what was being said.

Mike: Which was rather odd, considering that the speakers had been
missing since that little stopover in Woodstock.

>
>"Roma, you are going to meet your end!

Crow: Front, meet end. End, this is your front.

> I, The Adversary
have returned,
>and enslaved you.

Tom: Right, uh-uh, gotcha.
Crow: Mm-hmm.

> Together with the Mara,

Tom: With you so far.
Crow: Understood.

> We will be
rulers of all
>that was, all that will be, all that is, all that can be and all that
>cannot be!" said the large figure.

Tom: Whoa! Back up!
Crow: Ooookaaay.
Mike: Awfully specific there. Could you be a bit more vague?

> "Thanks to you, Adversary, I can now enter other dimensions and
>realities at ease! Together we will be supreme!" said the humanoid with a
>snake design on his arm.

Tom: Yes! The burrito supreme is mine forever!

>
>Part 3.

All: [singing] Watch out for that tree!

>
>Tegan exclaimed "Oh my God, that's the Mara which possessed me.
>Doctor, please don't let it take control of me again."

Crow: [Tegan] It might give me a personality or angst or something!

>Nyssa said "calm down Tegan, the Doctor will find a way as he always
>does."

Mike: Funny how most of his solutions rarely work until he kicks the
console.

> "Doctor, what do we do now?" asked a young Adric.

Crow: How many are there?
Tom: [Minnewegan] Oh, they come six-packs, donchaknow.
All: [shudder]

--
Tyler Dion E-mail: TDi...@aol.com
?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_
"So eight 5 and 1/4 inch floppy disks hold the key to time travel?"
- Tom Servo, Mystery Science Theater 3000: 821 Time Chasers